Author's Note: Where have I been? Who knows. School took over for a while, but I'll be back up and running much faster this summer. Expect real updates instead of the semianual ones I seem to have become accustomed to. Forgive my absence, and please continue to read this seemingly neverending fic (finally hit 200 reviews, yipee!). Thanks as always to the dedicated and meaningful reviewers, this ones for you.
always – adv. every time without exception
Nathan slammed the door behind him and dropped his books on the ground. It had been a long day.
"Haley?" his voice echoed through the small apartment. He slipped his jacket onto the couch and went into the bedroom to find Haley rummaging through old boxes. "What's going on?" He sat down on the bed, moving the dark blue comforter over an inch or so to make room.
"Well," Haley whipped her head around, making her long ponytail swing in the process. "I thought that if I looked through some high school things and pictures I could trigger my memory and I did!" She jumped up from the floor with a smile as wide as the Atlantic Ocean on her face. "Look," she said, pointing at a cheerleading picture from senior year. "That girl is Rachel. She's the one who Jake knocked up. Oh, and Lucas. And he's my best friend. I remember it now. There's a tide in the affairs of men…" Haley drifted into her own world remembering a quote from a Julius Ceasar book her and Karen, Luke's mom, had bought him years ago. "High school is coming back to me!" She twirled around the room like a tipsy ballerina and fell back onto the bed, laughing next to Nathan.
"Oh no," Nathan smirked. "Please tell me you don't remember what I was like in high school."
Haley stopped for a second and looked up into Nathan's blue pool eyes. "See, that's the weird thing. I can place everyone else together now, but not you." Haley's eyes watered up like at any given second she would burst into tears again.
"Oh no," Nathan whispered. He laid down next to Haley on his side so they were face to face. "Listen, this has been a very long day." He paused to laugh slightly. "Now, I can order us some pizza and tell you all about it and what went on with our friends, or I can just lay here with you and hold you because I really miss doing that too. But it's up to you."
Haley wiped a stray tear and sniffled, gaining composure.
"Both?" she suggested, her bottom lip quivering.
"Of course." Nathan slid their bodies under the covers and wrapped his arms around her small frame. He grabbed the chain that was hanging from her neck and felt a small round circle attached on it. "Always and forever."
"I don't get it." Haley turned around to face Nathan. "Always and forever what?"
"Us," Nathan said, grabbing her tiny hands and kissing them. "You might not remember me but you will soon. I promise. And we're going to make things work because we will be together always. And I'm going to love you forever." He looked deeply into her eyes and moved his forehead up against hers, like he was transmitting memories to her brain.
There was a moment of silence, tension even maybe, and then Haley suddenly shrieked and rolled out of bed, taking all the blankets with her. She fell to ground with a thud and started kicking her legs and flailing her arms with tears of random childlike laughter.
"Haley!" Nathan yelled as he crawled onto the floor and tried to calm her. "Breathe baby, breathe!" His attempts to quiet her down proved futile as she kept rolling away from him. She whacked into the boxes of photos and almost knocked over a lamp. "Hales!" Nathan commanded, finally taking a stronger grip on her. "Stop it!"
Haley stopped herself after hearing Nathan's hurtful voice. No, you'll be sorry. The words played over in her head again and again in the same tone Nathan was using now. Helly, because you from hell.
"Baby?" Nathan crept closer to his wife's side, laughing. "I was just joking around, I'm sorry." He saw the tears pouring from her eyes like waterfalls and a knife of guilt stabbed his heart. "I'm sorry Hales, come on. I was playing with you. You know I didn't mean it."
"Get away from me Nathan!" she screamed suddenly and sat up against their night stand, bringing her legs to her chest. "I mean it, stay away!" The tears were no longer of joy.
"What?" Nathan shrugged his shoulders. "I didn't mean it baby. You know that, come on. Let's go have that pizza. I'll make it all better." He inched closer to her side as she leaned her head against their bed and sobbed.
"Really?" she snapped. "You think those scars can go away? Do you think I'll ever actually forget what happened? Can you take back what you did to me? No, I don't think so. So until you can, you can't make anything better and don't for a second think it's alright!"
It took Nathan a second, but he finally realized what was happening, sooner than he expected.
"Haley, please. You need to let me explain this to you!"
"Explain?" she chortled. "That must be a joke Nathan! You could have killed me. I could be dead right now; should I spell that out? D-e-a-d, as in not alive! You can explain all you want but that won't change what you did."
Nathan sat still and started to cry silently as Haley's words stung him. "You don't think I know that?" he grimaced, making fists and digging his fingernails into his palms. "You're right. I can't take it back and this will stay with me for my whole life, just like it will you! You probably got off easier. You'll have some scars, but you can't see them. I wonder if this will go away though." Nathan slid a sleeve on his shirt up to reveal a slicing mark on his wrist.
"Nathan." Haley cried.
"Oh, don't go there. I didn't try to kill myself; even my life hasn't come to that. I did that the other night while I was asleep and fell out of bed. I scratched it on the side of the night table. I had another seizure. They came back Haley."
"What does that have to do with anything?" she whimpered.
"Well I went to the doctor. He told me stress causes them and he asked if I was overstressed lately. Why yes, I told him, I almost murdered my wife by accident the other night while I was drinking because I missed her. I miss her so bad I physically ache at night, enough to almost kill myself too. I miss her more than is probably humanly possible. I miss her because I realized she comes home late and my eyes were opened that she hangs out with her friends more than I get to see her. I miss her because she was out at a church with her engaged friend, and I missed our wedding and how strong our love was before a lot of shit started happening to us. I miss her because I feel like we're never together, or at least not enough. It could never be enough with you Haley. I miss you when you're not home. I miss you the nights you sleep at your friends rooms to comfort them, because I need you to comfort me. The pressure is finally getting to me and I miss having you just hold me and rub my back and tell me it's all going to be okay. I miss making love to you all night long, and the way you tickle me in the mornings. But most of all," Nathan finished with a deep breathe. "I miss when you talked about babies because I finally wanted a family to make you happy. But I guess I ruined all chances of that. Go ahead Hales, call a lawyer, get divorced or annulled from me even. I wouldn't blame you one bit. But I'll always love you no matter what. I'll never stop wanting you, aching for you. But if you'd be happier apart from me, I'd rather die from seizures than keep you from that happiness. You deserve everything the world can give you, but I can't. I'll miss you though. Always. Always and forever."
It took Haley a moment to respond, but she finally wiped away the last of tears. Slowly, she crawled closer to Nathan who was sitting Indian style, looking at the ground. She tilted his chin upward just enough to see his big eyes, filled with teardrops just waiting to fall. Why did she always have to be the bigger person, the one who would pretend not to hurt even when her insides were pouding with pain?
"Let it out," she whispered. With those three words, the second trilogy of them he had wanted to hear, Nathan cried openly, letting the tears pour freely. "Hey now." Haley said. "I can't leave you, as much as I'm tempted to, because I'd miss you too much. You were my whole world Nathan and I want to work back to that. I think we just need time and a lot of it." She nodded, confident in her choice, and cried just a little bit more. "One last thing Nate."
He looked down at her mascara-stained face. "Yeah?"
Like she knew it would make Nathan smile, she said those three words. Although they may be the smallest in length, they are the strongest in meaning. Eight letters, two people, and one undeniable bond. "I love you."
