It was only when Jaime saw Elena miscarry their third child did he realise how important she was in his life. It was only when he saw her laid on the bed, covered in a pool of her own blood and fighting for her life did he come to see that the woman he had never lusted after was the one he needed. The twins had turned eleven and Cersei was also due to give birth to her third child. Jaime had finally managed to impregnate Elena and she was carrying the babe well until the third month.
She had awoken in the middle of the night during their months at King's Landing. She had reached for Jaime and begged for him to find help. He had pulled his shirt over his head and his breeches onto his legs as he ran for the door. He had been banned from the room once Grand Maester Pycelle arrived with a flock of women.
"Father," Joanna had spoken his name from the door to her chamber from their solar.
Jaime was seated on the edge of the chair, bent forwards with his hands running down his cheeks as he heard Elena scream in pain. Joanna looked to the door to her parent's room and the colour drained from her cheeks. Jaime stood up and wandered over to her, taking her by the shoulder as she looked to the door.
"What is wrong with mother?" Joanna whispered. "Is it the babe?"
"I don't know, Joanna," Jaime whispered back to her. "Your mother will be fine soon. Why don't you go back to bed?"
The little girl looked hesitant and Jaime bent down to pick her into his arms as Elena screamed again. He closed his eyes and Joanna wrapped her slender arms around his neck, her curly hair brushing against his cheek as he took her back to bed. He gently rested her on the mattress, recalling how she had once complained about being too old to be picked up.
"Is mother alright, father?"
Harrold had sat up in bed and was rubbing at his eyes. The twins still shared a chamber during their stay at King's Landing. Joanna and Harrold were close, but they were no Jaime and Cersei. They bickered and they snarled at each other when necessary.
"She is...your mother...I...she will be fine," Jaime said, not sure whether or not he believed his own words. "Now, you two should go back to sleep. Your mother wouldn't want you to fret."
He looked at the two little faces in the darkness as they both sat up in their beds and he made his way back out of the room, unable to look at them for much longer. He closed the door and he knew that wouldn't stop them from listening. They wouldn't sleep so long as their mother continued her screams.
Jaime stood in the solar again and he finally realised that he could take no more. He opened the door to the chamber and looked over to the bed, wondering what was happening. The sight he saw shocked him more than he cared to admit. Jaime had killed before. He had seen a man die and he had noted the way the body decomposed from one simple hit. But never before had he seen something like this.
Elena was laid on the bed, her body now limp and a pool of blood staining the white sheets. Her head was turned to the side and her mouth was open, her lips parted and her eyes lifeless. Jaime feared the worst for a few moments before a woman took his shoulder.
"You shouldn't be in here," she informed Jaime in a sharp tone.
"Is...Elena..."
"Your wife is weak," the woman spoke. "She has lost a lot of blood and she has lost the babe. We do not know how, but we are doing what we can to save her. Grand Maester Pycelle is trying to stop the blood."
The woman took Jaime by his shoulder and urged him from the room once more. He was too shocked not to go with her. She closed the door again and Jaime waited with patience. He didn't know how long had passed since the woman came back to him. He had paced the room. He had tossed things to the side and downed a cup of wine. Nothing could stop him from his worrying.
"She's weak," Pycelle informed Jaime. "I am afraid I could not stop the babe. I do not know how this could have happened...but I shall speak with her when she is back to her full strength...for now I would advise sleep."
Jaime nodded, wanting to do nothing more than enter the room again. He did so and saw the women folding up the stained sheet and Elena was laid on a clean one. She was on her side, her hands stuffed under the pillow. Her face was pale, but she was sweating. Her brown hair stuck to her skin and Jaime could see that she was in evidential pain.
He wandered over to her as the door shut and they were left alone. He wondered what to say to her for a few moments as she avoided his stare. All he could do was look at her. All he could do was stare at her and long for her to say something. He worried that he would say something to make everything worse. He worried he would ruin her further.
Slowly, he perched on the edge of the bed and Elena reached her hand out across the mattress. Jaime took her hand into his and kissed her knuckles, squeezing her hand tightly.
"I'm sorry," she managed to say, her voice hoarse and Jaime shook his head.
His hair was in disarray and his clothes were askew over his body. "You have nothing to be sorry for," he whispered to her, his voice low and stern. "It was an accident, Elena. You did nothing wrong."
"I was carrying it...it was in my belly...and I..." she managed to croak and Jaime shook his head as he slowly moved onto the bed.
He pulled her up gently and took her into his arms, holding her to him. Elena clung to his shoulders and finally allowed herself to cry. Jaime kept silent for a few moments as he stroked her back. He remembered how his mother would always stroke his back when he was upset.
"You did nothing wrong," Jaime repeated. "You cannot blame yourself...it was not your fault..."
Jaime continued to hold her until she finally fell asleep, unable to keep crying anymore. He took a deep breath and closed his own eyes, wondering how it was he felt. Jaime thought back to what he had seen. He thought back to the sight of Elena...the sight of her and how he thought that...he had thought the worst. He had thought that she had died.
He shook his head back and forth, refusing to think of that. He couldn't. He would be lost without Elena. The twins would be devastated and Jaime would be just as devastated. He didn't think he would. He had never considered a life without Elena. He had never had to. He was so cocksure of himself. He was so confident. He thought that he could handle anything. But a life without his wife? A life without the woman he had grown to care for and admired? He couldn't handle that.
...
"I'm sorry about what happened," Cersei spoke once she saw Jaime the following morning.
She had decided to go to his private chambers to find him sat at a table, thinking about the child they had just lost. He had been brought breakfast, but he had scarcely picked at it. He had left it and wondered how he would tell the twins what had happened.
"Are you?" Jaime mumbled.
"I lost a child once before too," Cersei reminded him in a hushed tone.
Jaime looked to his twin and noted how she looked tired. Tommen must have been keeping her awake late at night. Jaime kept silent and saw that Cersei was being sincere. He could tell from the look in her eye. She meant Elena no ill will. Cersei had done nothing to jeopardise Elena since Damion. She had her twin where she wanted him and Elena had her children to take care of. Jaime confessed his love for Cersei, but Cersei also knew that Jaime loved his children.
He loved his legitimate children more than his bastard children. Cersei would not let him near her children. She didn't want him to grow attached to them and have people talk, but Jaime was fine with doing that. He was fine with keeping his distance. He knew that there were his. They all had golden hair and none of Robert inside of them. He cursed himself often for what he had done.
He had risked the twins and Elena to be with his sister. They would never understand. He thought that he could handle anything and have everything.
But last night showed him that he couldn't.
"How is she faring?" Cersei continued to ask.
"She's tired," was all Jaime could say. "I have to wake the twins soon and tell them."
"They are young," Cersei said. "They may not truly understand."
"They are cleverer than they let on," Jaime muttered. "You shouldn't be here. I don't want people to talk."
"There was a time when you didn't care what people said."
"There was a time when I didn't have a wife and children to think of," Jaime mumbled. "I'm not who I once was, Cersei. Please, just go...for now...I need to be alone."
Cersei felt rejected as Jaime stood up and waited for her to do the same and leave him alone. She remained perplexed for a few moments. How could he dismiss her so callously? She remained still where she was and cocked a brow.
"What are you trying to say?" Cersei asked.
"I am trying to say that I almost lost my wife last night," Jaime hissed. "I almost lost her and the twins almost lost their mother...and...I don't want to lose them. I don't want to lose them at all. I may not love Elena as I should, but I...she...I cannot let her go. We have to stop whatever we are doing. I have too much to risk."
"You didn't say that less than a year ago," Cersei snapped.
"Just go," Jaime urged her. "I don't want to talk about it."
"She didn't die," Cersei continued and Jaime rolled his eyes before he stood up and moved into the twin's room, ignoring Cersei as he went.
He closed the door and saw that they were already sat up. Harrold had moved to Joanna's bed, dressed in his breeches and a shirt. Joanna still wore her nightgown and her hair was still perfectly in place. Jaime wondered if they had slept since last night. He doubted it.
Slowly, he moved to sit on the bed and looked at them. They had grown so much and Jaime knew that they would only continue to grow. He longed to know what they would be like in later life. Joanna would always be a romantic and Harrold would train to be a great knight. The thought of Elena not seeing that caused Jaime to wince.
"Is mother alright now, father?" Harrold was the one to ask.
Joanna moved over to her father and Jaime wrapped his arm around her shoulders, kissing her tenderly on the top of the head as he squeezed her upper arm.
"Your mother is...last night...she lost the babe," Jaime informed his children. "She has a miscarriage and the babe didn't survive. Your mother is still here with us and we have to be thankful for that. She is very tired and upset. I am sure you can imagine."
Harrold's eyes widened and he nodded in agreement with his father. Joanna sniffed and a tear fell down her cheek as she looked up to Jaime.
"So we won't have a brother or sister?" she asked him.
"No, my little lady," Jaime replied with a sad shake of his head. "But the babe has gone to a better place and we will meet him again one day. I can promise you that."
Joanna let out a soft nod and Jaime kissed her again. "Your mother might be ill for some time so you need to understand if she cries...or becomes upset...but never doubt that she loves you very much."
The twins nodded again and Jaime took both of them into his arms tightly, holding them to him and sighing. It was only as he held them when he heard the door creak open. He looked over his shoulder, wondering if Cersei had dared to disturb them. But it was just Elena. He sighed and released the twins before standing up.
"You are supposed to be resting," he scolded her and noted how she walked tentatively.
She wore nothing but her white nightgown and Jaime's long blue robe on top of it. Her hair was tied over one shoulder and her face was still pale.
"I am fine," Elena lied and she allowed Jaime to guide her to settle down by the twins on the bed.
She sat on the edge of the bed and looked to them as they stared back to her. "Did your father explain what happened?"
"He said that the babe is in a better place and is waiting for us when we go," Joanna declared and Elena nodded, blinking back her tears as she stroked Joanna's hair from her face.
"He is right," she said with a small nod. "And you two must never forget that. Is that a promise?"
"Promise," they said in unison together.
Jaime remained stood, his hand on Elena's shoulder as he watched her hug the twins gently, making sure that she kept some distance between her and them. She looked up to Jaime and he saw that she was about to begin crying again. He nodded to her and helped her to her feet, tucking her under his arm and turning her from the children before they could see her tears.
"I will take your mother back to bed," Jaime said. "You two get dressed."
"They're so young," Elena whispered once they were back in the confines of their chamber. "They believe and have so much faith in the Gods."
"It is for the best," Jaime urged her, pulling the covers back and helping her back into bed.
He picked her legs up and placed them on the mattress before covering her up again.
"I worry what will happen if they lose that innocence," she admitted to Jaime. "I would keep them like that forever if I could."
Jaime gave a sad smile and stroked Elena's cheek, pushing a loose strand of hair behind her ear as he did so. She closed her eyes as she reclined against the pillows and Jaime kissed her on the cheek.
"Nothing stays the same forever," he whispered. "Now get some sleep. I shall check on you before lunch."
Elena nodded to him and went back to rest on her side, closing her eyes. Jaime watched her from the doorway for a moment or two, wondering what was running through her mind. He said nothing of the matter, knowing full well that their children would grow up soon. It scared him as much as it scared Elena.
...
A/N: I know this was a depressing chapter, but it is a form of turning point for Jaime! I've started the next chapter and hopefully it should be out later today!
