Chapter 29
"How are you feeling today Raven?" Dr. Manson asked.
The very next day Raven went to therapy, it felt like the right thing to do. Everyone was walking on eggshells around her, Eun Gi was trying not to act weird but she was. Oddly enough it felt like she should give everyone some space. Too bad she couldn't relax – like everyone was getting the chance to do. Raven had to talk about her feelings. Her cumbersome, messed up and twisted feelings.
"… Grounded." She had to lie down in the couch. It felt easier on her chest that constantly keeping her back straight. She was careful not to have her shoes touching the actual couch. One of the many polite rituals Janos had all but beat into her. "I feel grounded," she repeated.
"What do you mean by grounded?" Dr. Manson scribbled.
"Like myself I guess."
Raven can't outright say, I feel like I do most days, sinking because I'm depressed and realizing what a joke my life is. I feel like garbage because I made my girlfriend cry. I feel like a monster because everyone thinks I'm some damaged thing. I want to talk about myself honestly but I don't know how. I miss my friends.
Dr. Manson sensed her holding back. "You said you wanted to be more honest with me. Then let me ask you some word association questions, to break the ice. Okay, Raven?"
She nodded, bracing herself instinctively.
"Red?" Dr. Manson began.
Raven saw Tony's suit flash across her memory. In the next instant she remembered the color of one of her mother's dresses. The one she wore when they all went to the beach one Sunday, the way it rippled in the warm breeze. Her laughter and freckled arms as she waved from the shore.
"Blue," replied Raven.
"Up?"
She thought about her foster father lifting her up to sit on his shoulders. Her next thought was the sensation of when her heart failed for the first time, as she was climbing a tree. The way the air tore along her body as she hit the ground, hearing Janos's faint shout from the kitchen.
"Fall."
"Hot?"
The first thought she had when she the unknown chemical poured on her back. Her head was spinning from her head bouncing on the table. Oh this is hot, she thought, the millisecond before it began to eat through her shirt and then her skin.
"Burn."
"Home?" Dr. Manson asked a slightly more dubious question.
Her bed when she was four, the smell of her foster father's aftershave, her old school where she went to with Colin. Everything she held dear from the country she left behind.
"Dublin."
"Safety?"
Felix was always there when she needed a place to hide. His hands never hurt. Not even when he was furious with her, he never hit or grabbed her. He was always gentle, loving. No one had held her like that in years, not since her mother.
"Felix."
"Suffering."
The room Janos left her was like a cell, no windows or natural light. She was shackled to the bed, belly down left alone for hours, if not days. In Russia they tied her down only when they tortured her, face up. Other days she was left alone – so many days in the dark.
"Cell."
"Happiness?"
When she was little she was her happiest. Playing Pirates and Knights with Colin, Janos pushing her on a swing, having ice cream with her foster father.
"Children."
"Childhood?"
But she had been miserable underneath it all. Missing her mother, wondering why her Papa didn't love her, who was the man she really came from. She was bullied in school, her tragedy followed her like a brand of shame. No one cared that she lost her mother only that she was killed for sleeping with another man.
"Miserable."
"Girl?"
She was no hero but she couldn't turn her back on everyone. Sometimes things happened and she had a choice to help people or let them hang. The latter wasn't in her nature.
"Protect."
Dr. Manson looked genuinely puzzled while Raven kept her eyes to the ceiling. "Men?"
People wanted to control her, she learned that from Janos. She would have the world if she let herself be led. She would be destroyed from the inside out if she let them. Raven vowed never to let herself depend on any man who offered her solace. Studies did show that children without healthy paternal figures grew up to have violent and dependent relationships with older men. She refused to let some man she hadn't met also control and hurt her by his absence. If someone wanted her they had to catch her first.
"Run."
"Obey?"
She played this video game once, Alice Madness Returns. This line always stuck out to her, Authority must be obeyed or it must be overthrown. She liked that line, a lot. An oddly logical thing for the Queen of Hearts to say.
"Overthrow."
Dr. Manson mentally reviewed what stood out most to her. Tony had called ahead mentioning slightly what had happened the past few days. Typically agendas shouldn't be planned around minors, but Raven was a special case. "Who's Felix?" She asked.
"A friend," Raven said honestly. "My best friend. He looked out for me."
"In Hydra?"
"No, his family's just corrupt, but he's nice. He was sweet." She clutched at her necklace. When she first met Felix she imagined he was what people thought of when talking about princes. He had a welcoming handsomeness about him. She liked him on sight despite how much he was annoyed by her. "He's family."
"Did he know you were being abused?"
If Janos wasn't so dangerous she feared Felix would have killed him years ago. But some people you just couldn't kill. Not that Raven made it easy for him to protect her. But he always left the door open for her.
"When he found out, he let me stay with him. It was mostly safe…"
"What do you mean mostly safe?"
Raven's fists clench on top her stomach. She takes in a sharp breath. "Well, mercenaries and weirdos came in and out on the estate. One time someone tried to sneak into my room and Felix caught them. I don't remember much, I just heard a lot of noise. Screaming, fighting and then a gun shot. Whoever he was Felix shot him. I never saw who he was I only saw the blood on the terrace that I could see from my window. I was scared but I knew I was safe with him that he would never let anyone hurt me if he could help it."
Dr. Manson folded her hands across her crossed knees. "Someone attempted to molest you and your friend had him shot, just like that. Did you tell anyone about this?"
"Me and Felix know… Eun Gi – my girlfriend knows, a little but not everything."
Dr. Manson hadn't known about that development. Her surprise was apparent. "You're in relationship? Does Mr. Stark know?"
"She's back at the Tower. And before you ask yes, she's from Hydra, she's an assassin with slightly bigger daddy issues than me, an intense mum, a distant brother who likes me more than her and she's eighteen."
Raven wasn't in the mood to repeat this information over and over. But Eun Gi pleaded with her to unload on her therapist, even about the ugly things.
"And she was a part of a botched experiment to recreate the Winter Solider program. And I murdered her father right in front of her."
"What?" Dr. Manson gaped. There were one too many red flags in that statement for her to ignore. Raven braced herself for the inevitable lecture. "You killed her father in front of her, Raven you -"
Dr. Manson's whiplash didn't stop her in the slightest, she wanted this off her chest and flung at her feet to detangle. "I killed him because he was going to kill her. He broke her damn jaw because she tried to get him off me when I was rescuing her. I didn't have a choice – at least that's what Eun Gi always says."
The words come gushing out her Raven's mouth before she can filter them. It's been so long since she allowed herself to dwell on those horrible months.
"And because of that I drove her mother into a mental breakdown and made her brother try to kill himself. When I brought him to the hospital, Madame Lee showed up, she slapped me and called me a plague of death on her family. Like I brought out the worse of them." She lets out a big breath. "But we're good now, though."
Dr. Manson pauses, relaying all of this to herself while taking aggressive notes. At least she didn't lose the ability to write. When Felix heard everything he barely had the capacity to blink. "And you and Eun Gi are still in a relationship?"
"It happened after all the drama. I was ready to walk away but she… wanted to be with me, despite everything." She laughed at the memory. "Sometimes I secretly wonder if her father hadn't fried her brain to hell if she'd still love me. She says she would, that she always did. I always had a crush on her so it wasn't like she forced herself on me or something…"
"I think we need to extend our session today Raven." Are the only words Dr. Manson can immediately form. "Just an extra half hour."
Raven sighed, irritated, "You see why I don't like having honest therapy sessions. Too much shit to comb through."
She keeps her eyes toward the ceiling. For a moment she thinks of the time she was in Italy, wandering around the city hoping that when she came home Janos would be there. All the secret places she found, the historical buildings and churches. Oh, the churches were wondrous, borderline fantastical.
"Don't underestimate me Raven. Let's talk about Eun Gi and work our way back around to when you were nearly molested." When Raven didn't object, she continued. "Tell me about Eun Gi."
"Well, she was always outgoing but after the accident, she's more impulsive, she gets jealous fairly quickly, she's a party girl – tends to get out of hand sometimes. She loves photography, she takes amazing pictures. Behind her parents back we would have little photoshoots, she would make me pose and give me these weird directions. Think of a pretty sunset," she mimicked. "Think of a nice pair of shoes. She would also cake me face with makeup, lipstick, mascara, the whole works."
"How long have you two been together?"
"Since I was fourteen going on fifteen. So two years – she wants to count the time I was being tortured." Raven tugs at her jigsaw pendant. "No one at Hydra knew. Only that she had a massive crush on me. They kinda tried distracting me."
"Explain."
"I got set up on a blind date when I was thirteen, Eun Gi didn't speak to me for a week until Felix told her I was set up. Nasty business it was. Nowadays if she thinks someone is trying to cozy up to me she takes it out on them. There was this business man who tried schmoozing me and his Jaguar ended up off a ledge."
"She's violent." There was a slight tone of disapproval in her voice.
"Not with me," Raven muttered, displeased with her misjudging Eun Gi. Was everyone pretending Raven herself wasn't violent? "She doesn't try to pressure me into stuff I don't want to do, or anything like that. She's actually really nice, she's always there when I'm low or disassociating, and if I ever lose me head she's right there. But everyone always focuses on the bad stuff," she grumbled. "Everyone likes to say she encourages me to misbehave, and I let her go off the handle."
"What does, go off the handle, mean?"
"Uhhh, one time she got pissing drunk and started dancing on tables and stuff. I ended up bottling a bloke trying to feel her up, and we sorta stole his car to get away from his friends."
"… Does this happen often?"
"It was just how she coped with her dad trying to turn her into a meta-human assassin. Her mum refused to acknowledge it for months and drove Eun Gi and Kyung Gi bonkers. I couldn't turn my back on them for two seconds without hearing about some shite going down." Raven folded her arms. "And Auntie Lee got miffed with me for their behavior. It wasn't my fault she married a psychopath."
"It sounds like you tend to look after everyone."
"Well someone has to, or we'll all be screwed. I was juggling so much crap along with their family drama, I was losing me head."
"What else were you juggling?"
Here it was put up or shut up. If she wanted to get better she would have to tell the truth, the whole truth. Raven sucked in a big gulp of air, bracing herself. "I made people disappear."
Dr. Manson stared at Raven, unsure of how to take that statement. "Why did they have to disappear?"
"They did something horrible… I had to stop them, before they hurt more people – children."
"Raven?" pressed worriedly.
"They were using them for experiments, caging them, dissecting them, doing things that drive adults insane. I had to stop them, no one else would do it. No one wanted to try, so I had to do it." She rubbed her arms fretfully. "Everyone wanted me to make it all go away. Bury it and move on, but I couldn't." Her voice shook and shrunk, and her eyes welled up with tears. "It might have been humane. Tactically sound but I couldn't. I," she sniffled overwhelmed with the feelings she pushed down for so long. "I didn't want to be like them."
Dr. Manson handed her a box of tissues. Raven took several and blew her nose. "Raven, tell me what you did."
"After what happened to Eun Gi, I went looking for anyone who was still interested in the Winter Soldier program, and I found something. There was this base, in Kazakhstan, a lesser one left behind from the Soviet era. Hellish place, cold as bollocks, poorly lit, dilapidated. I read about it in file from a man I killed. I stole everything dealing with Soviet and North Korean overall corruption and violation of human rights. This base came up a lot, but I knew it was no longer in use because I would have heard of it before. I went there because figuring I would have found some discarded papers at the most. After all, Pol Pot had his guerillas document every person they tortured and killed in Cambodia, maybe I would be so lucky – that feels like the wrong word to use."
"What did you find?" Dr. Manson had momentarily stopped taking notes.
"It was in use, technically." Her body curled into a fetal position despite the pain the angle created for her bruised chest. "Three people managed this shell of a place, and I came in to find them wrangling with someone. Who was shaking the place apart. I went in by myself not thinking someone else would be there. It ended up being smart."
"Who were they fighting with?"
"Not fighting, wrestling… It was girl. They were trying to get her to lie still. I think they were prepping her for surgery. She was too small for the restraints and two of them were trying to hold her down, so the other could inject her with something. But they couldn't get close to her. She was screaming at the top of her lungs, and the screams seemed to shake the whole base. They hadn't seen me watching from an observatory deck, but I did see when one of them pulled out a gun. I didn't know if they were going to wound her to put her into shock or kill her out of impatience. But I shot first, and killed two of them. When they fell, the girl stopped screaming and the other man ran, I shot him in the spine before I lost him."
"What were they going to do to her? The little girl?"
"Glorified dissection…" She curtly replied before returning to her story. "I had no clue if she might kill me out of fear or survival. She just said, in Russian, a really weird Russian, crying, don't hurt me. I'll be better I promise. Over and over."
"What else happened?"
Raven stared down at the child writhing on the rusting operating table, this a bit too Silent Hill for her. She heard about this place being a part of the Red Room regime, but most of those places disbanded shortly after the Soviet Union feel apart. Well, not quite. One of the Avengers, Natasha Romanoff, was the most well known graduate of the Red Room – by the US government anyways. Raven knew two survivors, and one den mother. But this was different, this was some Winter Soldier level experimentation. She made her way down from the upstairs observatory to the operating table. The little girl had a mask on, like a helmet. Hearing the shots and the lack of weight on her didn't persuade her to move or even run. In Russian, an odd type of Russian she murmured,
"Please don't hurt me. I'll be better I promise," over and over, occasionally hiccuping between syllables.
She was a test subject, Raven realized. They were trying to put her under. And now that she stopped panicking, the room had stopped quaking. She had caused that. Was she some enhanced human, or something else? Raven had found papers talking about people who were born with powers; mutants. With the way the world was nowadays, she was inclined to believe anything with a pinch of salt. This girl was going to be a weapon. She could be faking her crying right this second. The girls in the Red Room were like that. Logically she could kill her, she had a gun, it would be merciful almost kind. Who knows what they did to her and didn't she say that her life would be better off if someone had put her down? If she truly believed that, this should be nothing. She should be able to do this.
Gun raised, already cocked all she had to do was pull the trigger, right in her exposed neck. It would be fast, instant numbness before permanent darkness in minutes. But Raven's hand shook, trembling, as she thought about herself in this girl's shoes. Afraid, tied down and alone, crying out for someone – anyone to help her. Killing her would be the Hydra way and dammit was she ever going to do things like them.
"I won't hurt you," she told her in her clearest and slowest Russian. "Do you understand me?"
"Yes… Please, I'm scared. I'll be good. I'll be good."
"I'm going to untie you. Since I won't hurt you, you don't hurt me. Deal?"
"I'll be good. I'll be good." She repeated those words feverishly to the point of blubbering.
"I believe you, I believe you." Raven told her for each repetition, until they were whispering echoes in the empty place.
It was nothing to untie her, but the helmet was worse. It seemed clamped down around her skull. The only reasonable way to open it seemed like cracking it like a nut but, that might hurt her and spark and instinctive out lash. "Jesus, Mary and Joseph," she muttered to herself.
"Don't…" One of the man rasped on the ground, the one she shot in the back. "You can't control her… That's why we froze her. She needs to be contained… tamed… You release her, she'll kill you."
The girl didn't seem to hear him, too shaken at the stranger fumbling around helmet. Raven held her hand and made him hold onto the table. "Stay here. I need to find something to take it off. I'll be right back, okay? If you're scared you can come with me and hold onto me."
"Don't go…" She whimpered.
"Alright, alright. We gotta do this the hard way." Taking her clammy hand she had her trot along behind her. Raven went to the man, kicking him lightly in the side. "Go on, you must know some English."
"You heard me… You'll be damning us all… What are you eh? Some junior Shield agent? You think you can… save her? She's a weapon. The next fist of Hydra, the new world."
"How cute," grumbled Raven. "And what do you mean by froze her? What era is she from? Don't bother lying, because I'm gonna find out. It would be in your best interest to get on my good side while I can still save your life."
The scientist chuckled, sweating bullets from the trauma of his unattended wound. "You? Who are you to save me?"
Raven glanced at her wrist watch. "You're wasting my time." She pulled out her gun, cocking it. "What were you about to do to her?"
The man tensed, weighing his options. "What… they did in Sokovia…"
They were going to harvest the source of her power and make more enhanced humans. Winter Soldiers with more than super strength. "You bastards…"
"She has no life… why care?"
"I care!" And Raven shot him once, in the skull. The little girl yelped at the sound, clutching her head tightly. "Hey." She turned around, kneeling in front her. "Hey, hey, hey, it's okay. The bad men are gone. No one is going to hurt you. I'm going to protect you… My name's Raven. Do you have a name?"
"Raye-veh-en?"
"Like the bird. Vorron," she annunciated.
"Vorron?" She repeated.
"Yes, like the black bird. But in English it's Raven. Can you say it?" Since she was distracted she could try something a little risky. Like prying her helmut open with her butterfly knife. As she put it into place she said, "You never told me your name."
"Ilya…"
Raven twisted the blade, the girl gripped her blindly for balance. "That's a pretty name," she grunted. "I wish I had a pretty name like that."
"Birds are pretty…"
"Yes but most people don't like ravens. People like bluejays, robins, sparrows, even squawky parrots but not ravens." She felt it spacing apart, this just might work. "Hold the sides of the helmut. I think it's going to come off. This is gonna feel weird, close your eyes okay? So you don't hurt your eyes."
"Will it hurt?"
"No. Of course not. It'll just feel weird, and annoying."
"I don't understand."
"You will. Hold on… One. Two. Three… And - !" The helmut made a hollow, splitting open at the sides. "Ta da!"
"Oooo…" The girl's hands went limp as the weight of the helmut was too sudden it fell to the ground, split open like a morbid shell. Slowly she blinked open her eyes, wincing at exposure to light. Upon seeing Raven, she was taken back at her youth and her healing facial scar. "Vorron," she said, awestruck.
She was too little for any advance Red Room girl, most of them were at least eighteen when they graduated. She seemed barely old enough for sparring practice – that often ended in death, if so old. She didn't look like the stereotypical Red Room girl, the pale Russian type, wraith-like and the picture of pseudo-innocence. Ilya had narrow eyes, a shaved head, round face, a teddy bear in a hospital gown. She stared up at her, mouth open and breathing nosily, wondering what's going to happen next. Raven herself was unsure of what to do, she didn't kill her, so now she was responsible for her. The gravity of that was now sinking it, she made herself a guardian to this girl with powers.
"Hello." She smiled her brightest. "Does that feel better?"
Ilya nodded. "Are you going to give me a mission?"
Oh boy, Raven thought. Not this shit again. "Not technically. Let's concentrate on getting out of here and getting something to eat. We can talk, and I'll answer whatever questions you have."
"We're leaving. Right now?"
"Do you see anyone here to stop me? Or do you want to stay here for a bit?"
Ilya blinked, startled at the polite accommodating. Testing the waters she said, "Stay… a little."
"Okay," Raven said. "We'll stay for a bit, walk around, chat and then we go somewhere warmer? Deal?"
"Are you going to put me in a dark room, later?"
"No."
"Am I going to do tests?"
"Not the tests you did before, no."
"Are you Hydra?"
"Yes, but I'm different."
"Good different?"
"For you? Yes. For the bad men, no."
Ilya reached shyly taking Raven's gloved hand. Without a word of where they were going to the two girls walked around the deserted base. She smiled down at her again, and Ilya uncertainly returned it. It was a fake smile, one she knew well.
"You don't have to smile if you don't want to. You won't be punished okay?"
"Then… I don't want to."
"Then don't. Do you want me to carry you? You look tired."
"… Okay."
Raven scoped her up, balancing her on her hip. "There we go. Better?" Ilya nodded. "You can tell me whatever you want. I won't be angry with you, I'm not like the people you normally know. Are you scared?"
"Yes…"
"It's okay to be scared. I'm a little scared too. I wasn't expecting to meet you."
"Is that okay?"
"Sure!" Raven exclaimed. "Surprises are good for you. Keeps you on your toes. Life's no fun if you can predict everything."
Dr. Manson's face was unreadable. This was the last thing she expected to hear. Tales of abuse, experiences of horror and episodes of self-loathing, but never this. She took a deep breath, leaned back into her chair. There was this stiff silence that Raven felt compelled to fill.
"Ilya's a sweet girl, quiet but she's a dear. She loves Star Wars, likes to pretend she's a Jedi. The last one that came out really spoke to her, she likes to say that she's Rey and I'm Leia. She was born in the eighties, but it might as well be the fifties, she had no clue about anything. Cartoons fascinate her, seeing kids go on adventures while maintaining some degree of innocence. I bought her a DS for her birthday, she has to wear reading glasses because the light is intense but she loves it. The Wii is her next favorite thing, we can play Mario games for hours. I tried teaching her to skateboard, but she prefers rollerblades. The thought of balancing on a board freaks her out, but she likes watching me board dance."
Raven folded her hands in her stomach. "I sent her away to stay with a friend of mine before I went to Russia. I promised her I would be back. I did my best to forget about her in case I got brainwashed by Hydra and babbled about her. She cried when I left, she thought I was abandoning her. I told her it was to keep her safe, she understood, but she was angry. I told her she was allowed to hate me a little because I upset her…"
Raven wants to do nothing more than lie down after her grueling therapy session. Heading downstairs to the lobby, she expects to see Tony there. Grinning like she didn't confess to several murders and harboring a human experiment from Hydra's glory days. His optimism was contagious at times, somedays she genuinely believed everything was going to be okay. Then sessions like today happened and she was reminded at the long climb before her.
"What the bloody hell?" Raven had come down to the lobby expecting to see Tony waiting for her. Instead she saw Bucky, his metal arm covered, Eun Gi pouting while on her phone, and the source of her exclamation, Steve Rogers. The three all looked at her and she genuinely considered going back upstairs. Surely there was something else she could pull out of the depths of her mind to scare Dr. Manson.
Bucky saw where Raven's gaze stayed. "Stark can't make it. He said we could -"
"I wanted to pick you up and Iron Old Man said to let Idiot Number One come along," Eun Gi summarized, gesturing to Bucky. "But then this guy wanted to come too." Her eyes rolled scornfully at Steve.
Raven groaned, rubbing her tender face. This was not what she needed after what she talked about upstairs. Eun Gi shot her a sympathetic look. "You were up there long."
"Doesn't matter," she grumbled.
Eun Gi was no doubt more upset about their chaperones than she was. Before she left for therapy she hinted at an anniversary date. That they were finally going to get their girlfriend rings. Now they had two babysitters. No one had supervised them since they were both twelve. It felt like they were being watched, not safeguarded.
"Well I don't want to go back to the Tower," Eun Gi declared in Korean. "Do you?"
Raven shook her head. Might as well try to have fun somehow. "So what now then?" Raven grumbled to the two super soldiers. "We wanted to drive around for a bit. Get out the Tower for a bit."
Steve bravely replied, "Tony said to make sure you take it easy."
Both girls regarded him as he though spoke complete nonsense. "Jesus what do you think we want to do?" Raven remarked.
Eun Gi shook her head. "Let's get something to eat." She got up and Raven got an eyeful of what probably inspired Tony to request two escorts. Dressed in a backless romper, showing off her mile long legs, platform sandals putting her nearly level with their babysitters. Her red lips painted on with the precision of an oil painting. Raven bit back a smirk as she followed Eun Gi. Maybe it was a good thing that Tony didn't come after all.
"You're not allowed to drive!" Bucky called to Eun Gi.
"I bet that's not all you're not allowed to do," snarked Raven.
Sorry for the delay guys, I was sick and couldn't bring myself the edit this beast of a chapter. To be honest I think I'm going to do updates every two weeks so I can take my time and edit. So what do you guys think about the all the dirty secrets slowly coming out about Raven's life at/in Hydra? Want more details, do you have any predictions/guesses?
Please let me know and as always review, review, review, hearing from you guys really brightens my day and lets me know how to improve the story.
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