A/N: So I have been recently going through a lot of emotional crap with family, school, love blah blah blah. Which is why I haven't written anything in forever. I really hope to keep writing now that things are getting back to normal. I am so sorry to keep everyone hanging with this story. I had hoped to have it done by now. But alas, we are almost half way. At some points I want it to end because I'm excited to see everyone's reaction but then it'll be over and I'll be sad. Ha ha... don't worry I wont drag the story out. I hope I'm not doing that now.
Thank you for sticking with my story.
-P
P.S. This chapter has some... mature content. If you want to skip it you wont miss much and I wont be offended. lol
"THAT'S IT! I QUIT! THIS GIRL REFUSES TO PAY ATTENTION!" Lady Regan screamed as I smirked at Ceecee while trying to waltz around the garden. It had been 4 months since I arrived and every day I suffered through these horrible lessons, from after breakfast right to prayers.
"Lady Regan, she just has a short attention span. She's still a child after all." Maria said giving me a scolding look. She sat mending a pair of wool socks that Hubert had chewed.
"She's going to be a queen in less than a month and she can't even waltz. She'll be the laughing stock of all of England and we'll be to blame." Lady Regan poured herself a drink of brandy, which she did consistently through my lessons, and rubbed her temples. I raised my eyebrows at Ceecee and she covered the laugh that was dying to escape her lips.
"Now, Susanna," She said taking a deep breath and placing the empty cup back on the table. "You must let Cecily lead. She is the man after all."
"But I have always been a leader, thus making it almost impossible for me to start following." I said smirking at Ceecee as she placed her hand on me waist and I placed my hand on her shoulder.
"Yes following instruction seems like the most difficult task. That we can agree on." She pushed us closer together, repositioned our hands, tilted my chin up to an uncomfortable angel and stepped back. "Now one, two three. One, two three. Remember to bring your feet together. One, two, three. One, two three." Ceecee and I were doing well this round, until we turned and I stepped on her dress making us fall to the ground. We erupted in fits of laughter as we lay on our backs in the grass.
"Oh for the love of God." Lady Regan sighed. Just then the sound of a million dogs barking caught all of our attention. Ceecee and I sat up and all four of us stared at the door leading into the house.
"Someone must be here." Maria whispered.
"Hide." Lady Regan hissed. Ceecee laughed as she struggled to pull my up onto my feet and the two of us raced to the guest house, slamming the door behind us. We collapsed against it and burst out laughing.
"I'll never make a good queen." I said with a smile. "I can't even waltz."
"In all fairness, you're dancing partners wont be wearing dresses."
"Yes but they will have big feet." I said and we started laughing as we remembered all those times I had stepped on Stewart's toes when he was my dancing partner.
"I wonder who's here." Ceecee whispered as we noticed it was oddly quiet. We slowly stood up and peeked out the window at the top of the door. The garden was empty apart from Maria's stockings and Lady Regan's flask.
"Let's go see." I said turning the handle.
"Do you think it's safe?" She said giving me a worried look. "What if someone sees you?"
"Then they see me. I'll say I am just visiting my loving family." I said and slowly opened the door. It creaked loudly and we froze. When we were met with silence we left the guesthouse and quietly crept to the backdoor. Soft voices were coming from inside the house and we looked at each other before creeping into the house. I held Ceecee's hand tightly as I led us to the sound of the voices. It was coming from the parlor and the doors were shut.
"Who's here?" Ceecee whispered and I shook my head and frowned at the doors.
"They never close the doors." I whispered back. I pressed my ear to the door but the oak was so thick that it was just muffled sounds. "I can't hear anything." I whispered and then a shadow passed over the key hole in the door. I smiled at Ceecee and dropped to the ground.
"What are you doing?" He hissed at me and I smirked at her.
"Listening!" I said quietly crawling to the door. I froze as I heard footsteps walk in front of the door. Then they walked away and I exhaled. I looked at Ceecee's worried face again and then knelt up to look in the keyhole.
"It is only going to add more stress to her if you tell her that." Spencer said. He was sitting in his chair in front of the window. His leg was still healing but he could walk around now. He was looking at someone who was out of my view.
"And besides she's only just started gaining weight again. She finally looks healthy." Maria's voice came from somewhere to the right, close to Spencer.
"She's still as clumsy as ever." Lady Regan spat and I rolled my eyes at Ceecee.
"What's going on?" She whispered.
"They're talking about me."
"To who?" She was kneeling on the floor just outside of the doorframe and her hands were clenched. I looked back in the key hole and shrugged.
"The wedding has taken its toil on everyone Your Grace." Lord Michael's voice was the loudest which let me know that he was the one closest to the door.
"Are you sure you can't postpone it?" Lady Regan sounded like she was begging. I shook my head at her and then held my breath as Adam came into view. He looked tired as he rested his elbow on the cold fireplace.
"It's not possible. We must marry in the month." He said and then turned to his audience. "I've already made a public announcement and arranged for the people to have a holiday." Everyone was silent for a moment then Maria sighed.
"She will be devastated." Maria said sadly. She sat on the arm of Spencer's chair and he held her hand lovingly.
"I know. How do I tell her?" Adam said rubbing his face.
"Well we have time." Lady Regan said. "She's still in the garden practicing her waltzing." She said. Adam looked up towards the doors and I ducked.
"Let's have something to drink and we'll discuss a way to handle this." Spencer said. "Eliza? Will you bring us the scotch in the kitchen?"
"Yes sir." She said and then door handle turned. I squeaked and scurried to the other side of the door and Ceecee and I pressed ourselves against the wall. Eliza came out and shut the door behind her. When she turned around she jumped.
"Oh sweet Jesus." She said clutching her chest. "What the bloody 'ell are you two standin' 'ere for?" She said and I grabbed her hand tightly putting a finger to my lips and leading her into the kitchen.
"What's going on?" I asked in a hushed voice once Ceecee closed the kitchen door.
"I have'ny the slightest." She said turning away from me. She could never lie to someone's face.
"Eliza?" I placed my hands on my hips and stared at her.
"I'm only supposed to stand there, not listen."
"Everyone listens." Ceecee said.
"I canny tell yea." Eliza said with a sigh. She gave me a sad smile and nodded. "But his majesty is quite the looka. Oh to be a girl again." She said fondly as she placed five cups onto a silver platter and grabbed the crystal vase filled with Scotch.
"Eliza please." I said gently grabbing her arm.
"My dear… Be patient." She said, smiling and then left the kitchen. When the door swung closed I sighed.
"I hate that everyone talks about how to tell me things, instead of actually telling me." I said and flopped down onto the bench. I rested my elbows on the table and sulked.
"Maybe its nothing." Ceecee said sitting across from me.
"It's bad. He was stressed about how he was going to tell me." I said and started tracing one of the table's old battle wounds. Ceecee was silent for a second and then sighed.
"I bet they'll tell me." She said and I looked up hopeful.
"They would."
"Even though we are best friends…" her voice faded and I shook my head.
"But they don't think like that. They think that we've just grown a fondness because you are my lady-in-waiting and we're of the same age." I grabbed her hands tightly. "Will you go find out?"
"Now?"
"What better time will there be?" I asked eagerly.
"A time when it doesn't look suspicious." She said and smiled. "I can not just walk in there demanding answers Suze."
"You're right." I said with a sigh and went back to sulking. The door burst open as Lucan padded in. I smiled at him as he put in head on my lap and whined.
"Looks like he wants to go for a walk." Ceecee said and Lucan's ears perked up.
"We walk to the same place everyday. It's boring now." I whined and Lucan put his head back down. He let out a high pitch whine and I sighed. "Alright lets go."
The three of us quietly snuck out the backdoor and walked towards the forest. As we walked everyday, we traveled down the path to Theodore's grave. As we were about to go into the forest my name was called and we turned to see Alexander leaning against a tree eating an apple. I squealed and raced to him. He wrapped his arms around me and swung me around.
"What are you doing here?" I asked kissing both of his cheeks before releasing him.
"His Grace seems to like my company. If I didn't know any better I'd think that he wanted me." Alexander said as he kissed Ceecee's cheeks.
"Get stuffed. He's in love with Susanna and everyone knows it." Ceecee said with a smile.
"Yes well… We'll see." He gave me a playful wink and then linked arms with us. "Where are we off too?"
"We're taking Lucan for a walk." I said happy to see my friend. It had been almost a year since we had last seen each other and I never realized how much I missed him. In the year he had grown about another inch and a small beard was starting to grow on his face.
"Well let's go then. I'm pretty sure His Grace does not require my assistance while he's visiting." Alexander said leading us back to the path that we always took.
Today however I noticed a fork in the path for the first time and after tens minutes of trying to convince Ceecee to take it, she caved and we found ourselves strolling through new territory. It was a beautiful day for walking; warm but not too hot and the ground was dry. The bugs were the worst part. As we got farther along the trail they got worse and worse, biting at every inch of skin that they could find. Even Alexander was starting to lose his humour because of the bugs. Then the trail led to a muddy pond about the size of Maria's fountain.
Lucan was the one who discovered the way to rid our bodies of the flies. He jumped into the pond and started swimming in small circles. The flies instantly backed off and he looked as happy as can be.
"Come on." I said unlacing my pink dress.
"Are you crazy?" Ceecee said shocked. "Look at how gross the water is! There could be fish in there."
"There's no stream connecting to the pond Ceecee." Alex said throwing his shirt behind him and pulling down his trousers.
"Besides there's nothing worse than these flies right now." I got her there. She watched as I flung off my clothes and we raced into the water. I left my hair in its bun and welcomed the cold muddy water as he kissed my skin. I didn't dare put my head under the water for fear that Lady Regan would complain about having to wash my hair again.
"Come on Ceecee. It feels great." Alex said and I kicked water at her. Lucan chose that moment to exit the pond and shake the water off his fur right onto Ceecee's dress. She squealed and then laughed.
"Well I guess since I'm wet anyways." She dove into the water with her dress on and appeared beside me.
"You are crazy!" I said laughing.
"You're crazy. What if someone walks by as you're putting your clothes back on?" She said and I raised my eyebrows and shrugged.
"Guess they'll have something to gossip about." Alex said and splashed water at her. As she splashed water back at him I noticed something floating on the top of the water.
"What is that?" She asked and I swam closer to it. I picked it up and its slimy body squirmed in my hand. I screamed a blood curdling scream and through the snake to the other side of the pond. "I'm getting out of here!" Ceecee screamed and struggled against the weight of her dress to get to the shore.
Once out of the water the three of us sat on the bank and breathed deeply. We looked at the water and then erupted in laughter.
"Why do those things always happen to us?" I asked as I lay back and let the warm sun dry off my body. Ceecee laughed and they joined me in sunbathing.
"I agree we always seem to have the most peculiar adventures." Alex said. We lay side by side in silence. Then Lucan barked and we became aware of the sound of footsteps.
"Oh my God!" I exclaimed and rushed to my clothes. Ceecee burst into laughter as she tried to help me dress quickly.
"Who walks down here?" Alex hissed as he raced around retrieving his clothes.
"I told you that you shouldn't have taken your clothes off."
"So they could be dyed like yours?" I think Lady Regan would beat me if my dress looked like yours." We both looked at Ceecee's once blue dress that was now a faded brown-blue colour.
"This was my favourite dress too." Ceecee sighed trying to brush the mud off.
"Worry about that later!" Alex hissed as he continued to struggle with his clothes.
"Susanna?" his voice made us jump and Ceecee instantly stopped laughing. Our eyes met and I blanked and then Ceecee nudged me and we curtsied, an art that I had finally mastered.
"Your Highness. I, uh we weren't expecting to see you for another month." I said as I turned to lace up my dress.
"Yes well. We heard a scream. Is everything alright?" He said his eyes taking in our damp, wrinkled clothing. His gaze landed on Alex who was currently lacing up his trousers.
"We were swimming in the pond." Ceecee said stepping closer. She seemed to have a bond with Adam, where she felt comfortable in his presence.
"I saw a snake." I said with a smile.
"She grabbed it actually." Alex laughed.
"And I screamed and through it to the other side of the pond." I said with a proud smile. Adam's gaze flicked from my smile to Alex's pants and I blushed.
"It's not what you're thinking." I said moving towards him. His eyes were cold as they met Alex's face and they didn't move until I touched his arm. "Adam?" I asked in a quiet voice and he blinked and looked down at me. He smiled. He touched my face and sighed.
"Would you mind excusing us for a moment? We'll be right behind you." Adam said to Ceecee and Alex.
"Of course You're Grace." Ceecee said curtsying again and the two of them scurried off.
"I've missed you." I said grabbing my shoes and quickly slipping them on before he head off for the house.
"Susanna." He caught my arm and held it tightly. I was shocked at the pressure he was applying to my arm. "I enjoy seeing you smile but this…" He looked at the pond and then back at me. "This can never happen again."
"I understand. It was just very hot and the flies were biting so we just wanted to-"
"When you are queen you will be watched by everyone. You are lucky that it was me who found you and not someone else." He said squeezing my arm tighter.
"Ouch, you're squeezing me too tight." I said trying to loosen his grip. Lucan growled loudly from my side and Adam blinked at me and then at him then let go.
"I'm sorry darling. I just… I'm stressed about the wedding and this war. Our wedding was to supposed to bring people hope for the country, to support the war but…It seems our troops are failing again. Our numbers are rapidly decreasing." He said rubbing my sore arm.
"Decreasing? Why?"
"A sickness has taken over France. Do not mistake me, the French numbers are dropping as well, but we need our men. It costs so much to ship them through the canal." Adam said rubbing his face as we started walking.
"You look tired." I said slipping my hand into his. My stomach was unsettled and I felt nauseous. He sighed and kissed my hand.
"I am darling. But seeing you makes me feel better, hopeful." He smiled at me and I couldn't help but smile back.
"We will be married soon." I said swinging our arms excitedly.
"Are you looking forward to being the Queen of England?"
"The better question is am I ready?" I said with a sigh. "According to Lady Regan I am not. Apparently I'm a lost cause. She tells me to ask Saint Jude for help every night." As I frowned Adam burst out laughing and my frown instantly turned into a smile. "Don't laugh. I am trying. I just can never seem to please her."
"No one can please Lady Regan." Adam said. "She's a cold hearted bitch. But she's loyal and a dear friend of my parents. She will keep our secret." He said kissing my head. "That's why I asked her."
"I was wondering what miracle she must have done to win your favour." I shook my head and the house came into view. I could practically see Lady Regan's cold stare of disapproval through the dark window.
After yet another bath and lecture from Lady Regan it was dinner time. Maria knocked on my door as I was about to put on my blue spring dress.
"I have something for you." She said holding out a large package. She closed the door behind her.
"What is it?" I asked taking it from her and placing it on the bed.
"It used to belong to me." She said and watched as I tore open the paper and lifted the lid off the box. Inside was a beautiful crystal headband. It was a single line of over 100 small crystals. When you turned it light erupted and sparkled all over the room.
"It's beautiful." I said smiling at her.
"There's more." She said nodding to the box. I smiled and placed the headband on the bed and pulled the white fabric out of the box. As it unfolded I gasped. It was a white dress with laces sleeves and the same matching crystals on the bodice. "Let me help you." She said nodding to Ceecee who stepped back. Maria helped me into the dress and laced the back for me. It had a low neckline that reached the tops of my breasts and sat just at the top of my shoulders. And lace completed the sleeves that, when my arms were at my sides, reached my knees. The skirt wasn't heavy and the body wasn't tight. It was a perfect fit and lay flat against my body, gently touching the ground.
"It's gorgeous." I said looking at myself in the mirror and touching the crystals on my stomach.
"Sit and I will do your hair." My hair was still damp and was starting to curl in ringlets. So Maria decide to make to braids starting that the side of my head and connecting in the back, leaving the rest of my hair down. She placed the headband in my hair and stood back.
"You look radiant." Ceecee exclaimed and they both smiled down at me. I studied my reflection in the mirror and smiled.
"I don't know what to say." I said looking at the light that shone through the headband and studying my dress. "I am so grateful."
"I'm just glad that my old dress can be put to good use." She said and kissed my head. "Now come. It's time to eat." She checked her elegantly dressed hair, that was in a high bun with many twists and turns you were constantly wondering how she managed that on her own. She pressed her hands down her dark blue dress and smiled at us. "Ladies?" We smiled and followed her out of the room.
The voices coming from the dinning room were loud and full of laughter. I stopped walking and placed my hands of my stomach. I still felt nauseous and I looked at Ceecee.
"You look so beautiful." She said misjudging my uncertainty and gently pushed me into the room. I was staring at the floor as we entered and then remembered that Lady Regan told me to always keep my chin up. You are the Queen, for heaven's sake. Act like it. I smiled at everyone as they stood, and strode to my seat beside Adam, who sat at the head of the table. The room was silent and as I looked around the room they were all staring. Maria gave me a knowing smile and Lady Regan actually looked impressed.
"Well?" I said and everyone laughed and sat back down.
"You look beautiful." Adam whispered grabbing my nearest hand and kissing it. His eyes twinkled and I felt my stomach turn with butterflies.
"Thank you." I whispered back and he let go of my hand as Stewart served Adam wine.
"It is such a pleasure to have you in our house Your Grace." Maria said as she raised her cup to be filled.
"We have a special room prepared for you in our guest house." Spencer said and I looked at Ceecee, but she just blinked. She was more likely the one who was going to be out of a bed tonight.
"I am very grateful. But I will not force someone out of they're sleeping space. The parlor couch should be fine for me." He said with a smile to Maria and then I felt his gaze land on me. My thoughts instantly went to Jesse last summer when he has spent weeks sleeping, or pretending to sleep, on that same couch. I felt queasy as the bowl of mushroom soup was placed in front of me.
"The parlor couch is no place for a king." Maria said with kindness but embarrassment.
"I barely sleep these days." Adam said with exasperation. "It would give me something to read while I attempt to sleep." He said and shared a laugh with Spencer.
"Do you like dogs Your Grace?" Spencer asked.
"I have never taken a liking to one in particular. But Susanna seems to have a special bond with her canine and therefore I must learn more about him." He said looking at Lucan who lay at my side.
"I have been working with him." I said jumping when I noticed he was laying on the floor. I snapped my fingers and he groaned as he got up and left the room. He lay just in the doorway, where he could still see me but wasn't near any guests. Adam raised his eyebrows at me and Spencer laughed. "It's a start." I said with a smile and Adam shook his head.
"It seems like there will be three of us walking down the isle on our wedding day." Adam teased and everyone laughed. I looked at Lucan who stared at my miserably and I felt sadness for him. It wasn't his fault that he was so attached. Maybe I did baby him too much. But I couldn't imagine not babying him. He was. in a way, very much my baby. When the chicken was served I whispered to Stewart for an extra slice of chicken and placed it in my napkin, making sure that no one saw me. I smiled at my baby, whose tail thumped the ground two times, before turning back to the conversation.
Dinner went late into the night and Lord Michael was the first one to leave. Naturally Lady Regan bide goodnight and left with him, but there was a look in her eyes that said she wished she didn't have to go. Ceecee had drank a lot of wine and was drifting off to sleep when finally Adam said that it was time for everyone to sleep.
I stood naked in my room and touched the beading on the dress and was thinking of my wedding dresses. Would they be as beautiful as this? Lucan barked from the bed as he finished the piece of chicken I had saved for him and I smiled. I through my night gown over my head and blew out the candle before climbing into the bed beside him.
"Don't worry darling. You are still my favourite." I said as he licked my face. He rested his head on the pillow next to me and I curved my body around his. I petted his fur as I listened to his breathing become deeper and finally he started snoring. But for some reason I could no sleep. I tossed and turned for at least an hour before I decided to get up. My stomach was all over the place and I could do nothing to get the feelings to go away.
I quietly opened the door and listened for any sign of people before I left the room. Lucan surprisingly didn't wake and I closed the door slightly behind me to let him sleep. The hallway was cold and dark, except for the light coming from the parlor. I quietly tip toed to the door and gently knocked on it. There was no response but I opened it anyways. The fire place was roaring and the room was warm but the blankets were empty and Adam was no where to be found. I blinked unsure of what I was seeing until I felt a breeze coming from the front door. I hadn't noticed that it was open.
I left the house without even thinking of shoes or a jacket. It was like I was being drawn to something and I couldn't stop moving towards it. I walked through the darkness past the brightly lit parlor window, past the dark barn where a horse, probably Lea, whimpered at me. I walked along the edge of the forest, down the gravel path and kept walking for ten minutes before I found him. He was sitting on a log, with his head in his hands. He was muttering something to himself and asking God why?
"Why what?" I said from behind him and he visibly jumped.
"Susanna, what are you doing out here?" He asked standing up. My eyes had adjusted to the night and I could just make out his face. "Its not safe for you to be out here."
"It's not safe for you to be out here." I said touching his arm. "What is it?"
"It's nothing." He said with a sigh and turned away from me.
"Adam please." Something in my voice made him turn back to me. He touched my face and then kissed me. He rested his forehead on mine for a minute and then sighed.
"Do you love me?"
"You know I do?"
"Say it. I need to hear it."
"I love you." I said and kissed him.
"I have to keep telling myself you do. I'm afraid that one day you'll stop loving me." He was shaking. "That one day you'll realize that I'm not the man you thought I was."
"That day will never happen because I love you. I love you more than anything and I always will." I said smiling. He stared into my eyes and then kissed me again. This time this kiss was more fierce. It was full of all the kisses that were missed from days we had been apart, it was full of longing for the days where we weren't allowed to kiss each other when we were together. I wrapped my arms around his neck and grabbed onto his hair as he slipped his arms under my knees and lifted me up. He gently laid my down on the grass and kissed me. His hands gently touched my face and then traveled to my waist as his mouth moved to my neck.
I gasped as his hands grabbed hold of my breast and gave it a tight squeeze. He looked at me and smiled. "I've missed you so much." He said and then kissed me again. I shivered as he unlaced the top of my night gown and started kissing between my breasts. My hands managed to pull his untucked night shirt over his head with ease and I felt the muscles in his back work as his mouth moved to my neck and then to my breast. I shuddered when his cold hand touched my bare leg and stayed on my hip as he sucked on my breasts.
I managed to unlace his trousers and he groaned when I started stroking him slowly at first and then more vigorously as the heat in me grew. When his cold fingers reached inside me my back arched and a cold shiver went through my body. We paused for a second breathing heavily on each other before he kissed me gently and forced his fingers up inside me. I gasped and tried to focus on pleasing him the way he was pleasing me but at one point he gasped as I squeezed to hard. I laughed and apologized and then he bit my left breast rather hard. It hurt but the pain set Goosebumps over my body and his hand worked furiously between my legs. Our stroking and forcing worked in rhythm with each other and before long we were both sweating and panting and groaning. Then as if we were one person, bliss took over both of us and we both froze, as if time itself had stopped, and let the feeling take over us.
Then it started to rain. It wasn't a light rain either. It was torrential downpour and within seconds we were soaked. I squealed as the ice cold water soaked through my nightgown and he laughed as he helped me off the ground. Together we raced back up to the house and into the entry way just out of the rain's reach. I leaned against the wall and tried to catch my breath. He stared at me with a hunger that made me shiver. He placed both hands on the wall, trapping me there and smiled. "I love you more than anything in this world. And I will let nothing stop us from getting married in a month." He said and I giggled. He bent in and kissed me fiercely, as if it was the last time he would ever kiss me. Yet when he kissed me, when we lay on the grass loving each other, the sinking, unsettling feeling in my stomach didn't go away. As I walked to my room, realizing that my nightgown revealed my entire body and not even caring, the feeling in my stomach seemed to have gotten worse and after shutting the door I grabbed my clean chamber pot and threw up.
