PAPAAAAA!

Ben's rage crashes into Rey at the precise moment her child's screams tear through her. It's as if she's caught between two tremendous waves, like when it stormed on Ahch-To. Something is horrifically wrong. Her baby's Force signature is erratic and Ben's is turbulent, ugly, raw.

This isn't like how it had felt when his guilt over his father had consumed him, the knife of his self-loathing had been turned inward, but this, this shreds everything in its path.

The terrified, frantic sending of their daughter renders her barely able to think. All she knows is she has to get to him. Now. She stagers from her work station in the hangar, tasks forgotten. His emotions are so dark, so kinetic that she's having trouble seeing. The fear is deafening, bloody, utterly overwhelming.

Every instinct she has is screaming at her to run to his side, but she doesn't want anyone else to see him like this so she forces herself to walk purposefully, all the while trying to calm down her daughter.

PapaPapaPapaPapaPapaPapa!

"Shhh, shhh," she murmurs as she rubs her abdomen, sensing the fluttering, panicked heartbeat beneath her palm.

"He'll be alright, Mama will make sure he's alright." Force, she hopes she hasn't just lied to her baby.

She keeps her eyes faced front, not acknowledging any of her Resistance acquaintances. Maker, she hopes she doesn't run into Rose. Finn's work rarely brings him to the hangar, but Rose is a frequent visitor.

The meandering corridors grow less populated as she walks on and the waves of pure pain grow stronger as she nears his quarters. His agony becomes an almost physical presence as she reaches his door, thick and cloying. It feels like walking through mud and she can vaguely make out his voice. He makes muffled, inhuman noises. She doesn't even bother to knock, just swiftly disables the security measures and the heavy durasteel swings open.

She's not sure what she expected, but this feral, out of control beast is so outside her sense of who Ben is that for a moment she freezes. He looks crazed as he slashes and screams. She can't see his eyes, but his hair is a tangled mess. She can't see her Ben anywhere in his animalistic bearing.

One particularly loud howl snaps her into action and she closes his door immediately. She has to hide this. They'll never let him stay if they find out he's capable of … this.

He swings and swings at his wall as molten glass pools on the floor. It glows an oddly beguiling orange and with each slash it only gets more intense. Harsh breathing punctuates his screaming. She should be afraid of him right now. She should run from his room and never look back. But she doesn't.

She tries to figure out how to approach him but her years on Jakku have taught her to treat wounded animals very carefully. They don't know you're there to help and she's not sure Ben is capable of rational thought.

Their baby takes that moment to use all of her fledgling strength to reach out to Ben and it leaves Rey gasping from the sensation of pure light moving through her as her child's frantic cries scream outward.

He drops his saber immediately and becomes deathly still. But through the Force she feels him soothe their daughter and she can almost think clearly again. Her head has begun to hurt from everything rioting through her, buffeting her battered consciousness.

At first he only stands stiffly, facing the melted, scarred wall. Panting raggedly, he keeps his back to her for an age. But then he turns. His large, dark eyes are full of anguish and shame as he whispers, "Oh gods …"

"Ben?" she asks shakily. She's not sure it's safe to approach him and his whole face crumples.

"Rey … I would never, ever hurt you." His voice is pleading. Desperate.

She wants to believe him, she truly does, but he'd seemed … mad.

His head falls into his hands and then he looks to the ceiling as he takes a long, shuddering breath. When his eyes again meet hers, the depth of regret makes her take a timid step towards him.

"I never wanted you to see me like this," he admits in a low, mournful voice.

"This … this has happened before?" Will it happen again? Their daughter is so new, so small … she won't remember this. But … will it stay with her anyway? What does it do to her to be constantly bathing in the intensity of both of their emotions? And if this happens when she's a little girl … Rey remembers Plutt's harsh words and harsher beatings. What would it do to her to see her papa like this?

"Yes … it's happened before. I don't … I don't know how to control it. I never have," he sighs out bleakly. "I had hoped … well, it doesn't matter I suppose." His eyes swim with powerlessness.

"No, please tell me."

He sighs in resignation. "I had hoped—now that I've found you—that I would be able to control myself. But it turns out that nothing makes me lose myself more completely than you do."

Rey frowns, filled with a perverse sense of responsibility. "I don't … I don't want that."

"It's not … I don't mean it's your fault." He scrubs his face with his hands and goes to sit on the bed with shoulders hunched. She hates when he looks like this, a beaten dog.

On some level she knows she should be afraid of him, but it's like all the anger just bled out of him the minute he had realized he was affecting his daughter.

"And you," he offers.

"What?"

"I'm sorry, I know you hate when I pick things up, but right now it's like your thoughts are practically leaping into my head. The … storm passed as soon as I felt you. Both of you." He looks up and his eyes are intense and serious. "I meant it. I will never hurt you. It won't matter how far down I am, I'll always stop myself when it comes to you."

"How can you know that?"

"I'm not sure … I just sense it, that I can't hurt you."

"You did once," she says softly, remembering being thrown into that tree.

"And it felt incredibly wrong, discordant. You … you didn't feel it when you …" He gestures to his scar.

"I did," she admits softly.

Suddenly, she can't be away from him any longer. She's so out of her depth, but she can sense how badly he needs her. It's obvious he won't reach for her, a steady beat of unworthy beating through him, so it's up to her.

In the back of her mind, she knows this is a serious problem, that he may have already profoundly traumatized their baby with this outpouring of pure fury and complete lack of control. But the need to tend to him, to run calming hands along his back, hold him close, these are far more immediate.

So she goes to the bed, sitting next to him and taking his hand in hers.

Looking over at her, he starts, a look of incomprehension tinged with awe crossing his face. The minute she touches him it's as if she's released him and he's wrapped around her, murmuring, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," into her hair.


Leia has to grab her desk to keep from stumbling, Ben's anguish and fury so potent. Oh, she remembers this. His room always needing new furniture after his bouts of destruction, her boy's pain written so plainly in splintered wood and bent durasteel.

She'd learned the best thing to do was to let him rage. Luke had told her the tantrums had receded at the temple, but now she's not so sure. Maybe he just learned to hide them.

He'd fled her office, clearly needing to get away. Perhaps before he'd lost control. She just hopes he's secluded himself. She suspects they've only gotten worse. If she interfered he might do something he can't take back.

So she slowly sits in her chair, stealing herself to wait and clean up the fall-out when and if it comes. Shutting her eyes against the cacophony in her head helps somewhat and she begins her Jedi breathing exercises.

Tears stream down her face as she finds her center.


He'd been so sure she was going to leave him, so sure he was going to lose her. And now she's letting him cling to her. It makes him want to fall to her feet, beg her to forgive him for his behavior.

Now that the chaos in his brain has receded, he sees he's behaved abominably. Rey had made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want Dameron, but he just couldn't hear. The terror came to fast, too hard and even he's afraid of how dark his thoughts had turned.

She's given him absolutely no reason to question her love for him. None at all. Yet he can't remember the last time he'd spiraled to such a terrifying, murderous place. He has no doubt that had he crossed the pilot's path on his way to his room, he would have killed him.

Shuddering in her arms, he can only babble how sorry he is, how much he loves her and she simply reassures him. Has there ever been another person made of such goodness?

Maker, he's made himself so unworthy for her grace. But, selfish creature that he is, he'll take it.

Eventually he calms and silence descends. Their child went quiet once she'd known he was alright. She clearly takes after her mother, having an odd instinctual sense about what he needs. Because right now, he desperately needs Rey.

He always needs her, all the time. He'd completely lost his mind when he'd faced even the idea of losing her. If he were to actually lose her … he would clearly go truly insane.

Softly, she asks, "What happened?"

Oh. Of course she'd want to talk about it … it was far too much to hope they could simply move on now that he's back under control.

"I lost perspective."

She pulls back, looking into his eyes, but still keeping him close. "In what way?"

"I … I just … I was convinced I was going to lose you … that Dameron would take you from me."

A little crease of hurt forms between her brows. "But … I don't want him. I never have. How could he take me if I don't want to be taken?"

Letting out a long breath, he says, "In my experience, everyone I love either sets me aside or betrays me … and I've never loved anyone or anything with even a fraction of the intensity of what I feel for you. It's as if you've invaded every one of my cells and I can't breathe without you."

"Oh …"

"I know. I know it's too much. That I'm too much."

She gets a thoughtful expression on her face. "Maybe for someone else, but … I'm not sure I would believe you, that you love me, if you didn't love me like that. As soon as we're apart, I start to doubt."

That physically hurts, his chest constricting. "You doubt me?"

"I doubt me. That … that anyone could love me. But when we're together, I feel it, I see it on your face, hear it in your words. I believe you when you tell me you love me. Yet … when we're apart, all my history comes for me."

He lets out a mirthless laugh. "This I understand. I can't hold on to anything, it's like I'm caught in the waves and I can only give into the undertow."

This would be the perfect time to tell her how deeply his fear goes, how truly damaged he is. Explain how he got to this place where everything hurts. How everything always hurt—until her. But … he just needs her too much and he's certain he'll lose her if she knew all of it.


She should talk to him about how this affects their daughter. She should ask more about these … spells. She should ask for time to think about all of this.

But she doesn't want to. He feels so right and she just wants to make him feel loved, make herself feel loved. Besides, he'd acted like this because he thought he was going to lose her. If she makes sure he never has a reason to worry about that again, maybe this won't happen ...

Suddenly, she's not close enough. Not nearly close enough. If he holds her she won't have to think, she can just be. Forget. Float in their singular connection.

She stands and he cries out, "No!" and his powerful arms wrap around her waist, pulling her in so tightly that she gives a little squeak.

"Ben, I just want us to get more comfortable, that's all," she reassures.

Going to her knees in front of him, she starts to take off his boots while he watches her curiously. Then she pulls off her own shoes before gently pushing him to lie down. He finally understands what he's doing and the hopeful vulnerability in his eyes tells her this is the right thing to do.

He's on his back, and she snuggles in next to him, on her side. Fitting her head at the hollow of his shoulder, she finds an opening between the clasps of his tunic. Gently, she starts to stroke the hot, firm flesh with her fingers find, trying to soothe him. Trying to soothe herself.

Shuddering out a little, "Oh," he clasps her hand, pressing it flat against his heart. "Aren't you … angry with me?" He pauses, then his voice cracks as he continues, "Afraid of me?"

A voice she refuses to listen to screams, "Yes!" but she pushes it away and lies to both of them. "No. I believe you. I believe that you would never hurt me." But didn't it hurt to have her baby so distressed, to see him so animalistic? Again she shoves it away. If he'd just let her keep touching him, she knows she won't have to think about this anymore.

Swiftly, she moves up his body and slings a leg over him so that she's now completely on top of him. His eyes fly open in shock and she pounces, stealing a kiss in his confusion. It doesn't take him long to return her attentions.


Shouldn't she be furious with him? He'd behaved like a jealous lunatic then had a temper tantrum that would put any toddler to shame. His walls paint a lurid picture of fury and pain. Why isn't she upset?

Is he really this lucky? Is she really just going to accept this and continue to be with him? Then she quickly rolls on top of him and before he's gotten used to her welcome weight, she's kissing him. Oh, oh Rey … His lips meld with hers and he eagerly welcomes her tongue, stroking his own into her mouth.

She's sinking into him, her hands diving into his hair and he strokes his hands along her back. Of course he stirs in his trousers, but he's feeling almost fragile so he pulls her up his torso, making sure she's well away from temptation. He needs intimacy, not passion.

Swallowing her whine of frustration, between kisses he says, "Shhh, just let me kiss you. Please, Rey."

Nodding, she kisses him deeply and he's drowning, drugged. The terror of losing her melts away into her ardent caresses until he can't even remember why he'd been afraid in the first place.


Every time she tries to shift herself against him, he stills her with his hands on her hips and she's getting frustrated. She has managed to undo his tunic halfway, giving her wonderful access to his chest. His hands have wandered under her tunic, still covered by her work clothes, and every time he flicks her nipple she gasps.

Why does he keep stopping her from escalating? Hadn't he enjoyed it before?

Why doesn't he want her?

No. No, she's not going to think like that. Not anymore. She's going to believe in him. He's kissing her and kissing her, with no indication of stopping, so it's something else.

Maybe she should … ask. It makes her feel so exposed, but when they talk, things do go better. She puts her hand on his sternum and pulls back, looking into his unfocused eyes.

"Rey?"

"I … why do you keep stopping me when I try to do what we did before?" she asks bluntly.

His eyes slide away and his expression grows pinched. "I just … I just want to kiss you, hold you."

"But why only that?" she asks with a bit of a whine.

His lower lip trembles and he says, "Because … because I need your comfort … after my behavior, I shouldn't … I shouldn't take advantage." As he finishes his face has that shamed look to it again. "Besides … last time … it opened me up, I felt so deeply connected to you. It was overwhelming."

"You don't want to feel connected?" Now she is getting hurt.

"No! I do! That's not it, not at all." Swiftly, he takes her hands and pulls her fingers to his mouth, kissing them everywhere. Slowing his attention to her hands, he offers, "I was feeling … vulnerable." His cheeks flush and Rey frowns.

"And that makes you want to protect yourself from me?"

"What? No … gods, this is hard." He breathes in deeply. "After I have one of my … explosions, I'm so drained. I couldn't focus on pleasure. I needed comfort."

Finally it clicks. She'd been trying to tend to him in the wrong way, take what she needed. She wants to bury her thoughts in that heady bliss, but he'd wanted to be quiet … soft. She smiles at him with a small, open smile.

"I understand, I do."

A relieved breath escapes him. "I want to explore that aspect of our relationship, I promise you."

"Maybe tonight, after dinner?" she asks with a shy yet seductive smile.

He barks out a laugh. "Yes, yes I think that's a perfect idea. Oh! That reminds me."

She squawks as he lifts her and unceremoniously plunks her on the bed next to him, scrambling to his feet.

Confusedly, she watches him go to the corner of his room and begin to paw through packages and she remembers what started this whole spiral of stupidity. He'd left to waste more credits on her. While scolding him feels like what she should do, instead she's a little excited to find what his journey yielded.

"Alright. This is for your bed." He places a large and heavy parcel in her hands.

Furtively, she opens the paper to find a luxurious blanket, thick and so, so soft. She excitedly pulls off the rest of the wrapping and throws the sumptuous cloth around her shoulders. Rey groans in happiness as the fluffy blanket settles around her shoulders. "Ben, this is … I've never felt something so soft!"

"You like it?"

"I do, I love it. I love you!"

He ducks his head, but the proud smile on his face makes Rey's heart flutter.

"I love you, so much. I wanted to make sure you're warm even if I'm not there."

Rey gets a puzzled expression. "Why wouldn't you be?" That panicky feeling comes again, the one that makes her doubt.

His eyes fly open. "I assumed last night was … an exception."

"Do you not want to sleep with me?" Her chest tightens and she suddenly feels foolish for assuming that was just how things would be now.

"What? Of course I do. I've never slept better in my whole life."

"Me too. So I think it would be pretty silly to sleep apart." She manages to keep the hurt from her tone.

"Really? You want … you want me to stay with you … every night?" he asks cautiously.

Oh, she sees. He hadn't wanted to presume. The panic falls away and she's grinning. "It makes sense. Anyway, it makes our daughter happy to have you close. Now we'll both be happy."

Ben sinks to his knees in front of her and kisses her forehead softly. "All three of us will be happy." He's trembling slightly when he whispers, "Thank you."

His voice is thick when he eventually stands up, saying a bit too brightly, "Now, let me show you what else I found for you."

When she catches his eyes, they're wet with unshed tears.


A/N: Thank you ArtemisBare! You always have my back and it's da bomb!

Thank you readers! I'm terribly sorry it's been so long since an update. I had a rough week and it seriously messed with my writing. But I'm back! Thank you all so much for continuing to give your time to my story and for being so wonderfully supportive!