Look who wasn't being a lazy writer. Me, that's who. I've got a brand new spanking chapter. Hot off the press. I'm not going to lie though, I cried a few times writing this. I hope this chapter touches you in some way, and you enjoy it as much as I do. It just might be my new favorite chapter.
Chapter 28
"You're impossible."
"And your pregnant." Christina throws a dirty look. "What? I thought that we were just going to sit around and state the obvious. What are you having? Boy? Girl? Can I do the ring trick to see if it actually works?"
"I can't believe I thought that you were actually a civil human being. Is that whole thing you do with Tris an act? Or are you just generally a nice person when you're only around her?"
"No, I am actually a nice person, but you irritate me sometimes. Not to mention, I'm sitting here, on a bed getting another stupid check up when I'm perfectly healthy. I mean look at me, I'm the golden boy of health."
Christina takes his pointer finger and puts it in a clasp that with take his blood pressure and measure his heart rate. "Everything may be good right now, but your girlfriend is slightly concerned about your limp. You weren't limping that bad before, and it only seems to be getting worse. The doctor might put you back on drugs, that equals no fun." She writes somethings on the clip board. "Okay, I think the room is open now, let's go get your height and weight."
He hops of the bed and follows her down the hall. Shoes off, onto the scale. She'll make a joke about how fat he is, then he'll fight back how it is all muscle. Then she will get his height and call him a giant and he'll make immature noises like he doesn't care. They've been through this process plenty of times. But this time, it doesn't come she's quiet through it all. "What day is it today?" She asks.
"March 19? Nothing too much happened today. Except that-" he drops of getting her drift. He completely forgot.
"Have you takes to Johanna yet?"
"No, she's been trying to ween me away from her, and ween me off of medication. Don't tell her, I just went cold turkey on the medication." He tries to pay it off that the date doesn't bother him.
Christina shoots him a look. "Don't think your girlfriend hasn't noticed about that. She hasn't said anything about it because she thinks that you're getting better." She flips the page on the clipboard. "How often do you have a flashback?"
He's quiet. "Once a week, usually while I'm asleep."
"You aren't lying?"
"No."
She writes some things down. "I'm going to give this sheet to Johanna. Pay her a visit today, see if she'll get you something else, or what she'll want you to do. But for now, cover your right eye and read the second to last row."
He does what she says. "O, H, S, X, K, N, C, L, B, no, V."
She sighs. "You didn't even bother to get your eyes checked from the last time you were here?"
"No, I've been busy. I got a girlfriend."
"A girlfriend who with kill you if she found out that you completely got the whole row wrong. Go get your eyes checked. I'll even have the doctor give you a pass that will let you in right away. If not, I'll tell your girlfriend and let you deal with that mess." She shakes her head. "Geez, I can't believe that you haven't killed anyone yet. And you drive almost every day."
"I make out shapes just fine. Besides my vision isn't that bad. I'm standing like 20 feet away from that sign, making out small letters. How's that going to help me in life? I'm a sniper, as long as I can make out my target just enough, I know where to shoot."
"I can't believe the Marine's accepted you, but whatever. Go to exam room 6, your doctor will be there shortly." She hands him a note, and he heads that way.
Tobias sits down, and sighs, trying not to go in and out of flashbacks is tough. He just has to do something that Johanna has taught him to do. One thing that has happened recently. Tris told him that she loves him, they were babysitting Grace. One thing in the present. The room smells sterile. One thing in the future. They will be leaving for Abnegation, New Jersey, in a few weeks for Easter, on Tris's side. Now make one detail about each event. Tris's hair was all messed up from Grace playing hairdresser, she still looked beautiful. The air is kind of strong. To get Abnegation, they'll have to take a plane. Tobias hates planes.
"Mr. Eaton, it's been a while since your last visit. How is everything?"
"Fine." His voice sounds weak, so he clears his throat. "Or so I think it is."
"Everything looks like it is in place." Dr. Matthews sits down in front of him. She reads all of his charts. "Except your leg. I take it that you don't have many concerns with it, but everyone else does. So tell me, does it hurt when you walk on it?"
"Kind of, but it's like a three on the pain scale."
"Get up and walk for me."
He does, and she watches him intently.
"You say it's a three, but it looks like an eight. I'm going to need you to have to get an x-ray. If it's nothing, you'll be good, all on your way. If it is something, I'm afraid that you will need more tests done. Maybe even surgery."
Surgery? Tobias's brain starts spinning, just trying to wrap his head around the concept. Sure he's had surgery a few times before, but it didn't mean he'll like the out come. He leans back in his chair and gross the arm rests, maybe that will stop the spinning.
"Mr. Eaton, are you alright?"
"What? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine."
"Here." She hands him a green slip. "Give this to the receptionist at Radiology, she'll put you in the list. Wait an hour after you get done before you come back here. I'm sure you can find something to do during that time." She means talking to Tris, or even bothering Danny.
"Oh, okay." Tobias stands up and walks out of the room.
The Radiology department is filed to the brim with people broken one way or another. The only open spot is next to a couple with a screaming baby. At least Tobias can see Tris's station perfect from here.
She sits at her desk, talking to that guy, Ryan. To Tobias, Ryan is a noob. He care to much about himself, and is too self centered. At least Tris has no intention of dating him, or even thinking about dating him. Though it rubs him the wrong way when he sees him laughing with her.
Maybe it's because he's just so annoyed and paranoid, or maybe it's just the fact that he can't stand children under the age of three, Tobias feels like he's going to go insane. That baby needs to shut up. The apologetic looks that he's getting is not helping.
Tobias doesn't want kids. Never has, probably never will. Kids are too messy, they ruin relationships. Or at least, that's how he's seen it. By a young age, he knew that he's the reason his parents never stayed together. His father needed attention, after being over in Afghanistan, he had severe PTSD. His mother couldn't give him the attention that he needed. She had a bouncing blue eyed baby boy to take care of. When Marcus retired, he went into a stressful job, taking out his anger on his wife and son. Evelyn left with the other two kids, leaving Tobias alone with the man who hated him the most.
That hate had dissipated over the years, especially since now, Tobias is able to rely all on his own. His father is even impressed that he hasn't asked him for money yet. That's what he was told the last time they spoke.
Though, Tris wants kids. Evelyn wants to be a grandmother, Paige wants to be an aunt. It's almost painful to see how much Tris wants kids. She used to be quiet about it, but now, she shows it. Though, Tobias knows that he just can't give it to her. It's not that he's physically unable, he can do the job alright. He just doesn't want to repeat history. It's a scary thing. He has PTSD, anything can be his trigger. The only reasons why he keeps Tris around him is because she's stubborn, and refuses to leave him alone. The other reason is because, she keeps him sane and grounded, and it's amazing. Just imagine adding another human being into that equation. It will all fall apart.
He's told Evelyn and Paige that he doesn't want kids to their faces before. They were taking about it one day, and he got annoyed and told them that. He also told them that he doesn't want to get married either. After seven months of dating Tris, that idea fell apart. He told Zeke that he thought about picking out rings.
The screaming stopped, or it was in another room. The couple left a plush, little yellow duck on the floor though. It rattles when you shake it. "Oh, thank heavens." One of the duck's owners says. Tobias hands him the duck. "Thank you, and I'm sorry about all the crying."
"It's fine man, I understand." No I don't, I really don't, and I don't want to understand. Tobias lies right through his teeth.
No, Tobias has come to the conclusion that he will never have a small little screaming pile of flesh that looks like him.
"How did your appointment go?" Tris asks, she found Tobias sitting on a bench outside of the physical therapy ward. The bench sits right over the sky walkway. You can see cars driving below them.
"Fine, I'm apparently blind and crippled. But we are still waiting on the cripple theory."
"So I've heard from Christina. I'll be on my break in a bit, do you want me to come to the rest of the appointment with you?"
"No, I've been going to the doctors by myself for quite some time. I don't need my mommy, or my girlfriend there to explain everything and hold my hand." He snaps, throwing the empty Styrofoam cup in the trash.
Tris leans back in her chair. Tobias hasn't been like this for a while. "Okay, sorry, I'll just leave you alone. Text me tonight, I guess." She gets up and starts to walk away, but Tobias snatches her wrist not letting her go far.
"I'm sorry, it wasn't supposed to come out that way. I'm just a little on edge from everything. Will you please just stay with me for a little longer?"
"Yeah, sure."
They sit in silence together, holding each others hand. Tris rubs circles on his with her thumb, but she knows that she'll have to go check in soon. "Babe, I'm going to go, just let me know what's going on, okay?"
"Okay." He says quietly. She kisses his hand, and disappears down the hall.
"I've thought about it again, only briefly this time, but I've thought about it."
"Is this being the same 'it' that we talked about in December? Or the 'it' that we've talked about in September."
"The first thing I've told you about when I was sent to you."
Johanna sits in front of him, stirring some tea. "Suicide?" She raises her eyebrows and sets the cup down.
"Only briefly, then I talked to Tris. I kind of snapped at her, but-"
"Today has been a stressful day for you. I want to say it's normal for anyone to think that on a day like today. Do you remember what I've told you to do about it?"
"Yeah, I've done that three times today. I feel so selfish because of it. If I were to take my life, I'm imagine all the lives I would ruin because of it." His mind starts spinning again.
Johanna smiles at him. "You've come a long way."
That stops Tobias short. "What?"
"Tobias, I'm proud of you. Remember a year ago, when you came into my room, and you first admitted it to me? I had to tell you about everything that you would leave behind. This time you did it all by yourself." She takes a sip of her tea. "Would you still do it the same way?"
"Are you sure I should be talking about this with you still? Wouldn't that put bad thoughts in my head?"
"I don't think so, you've talked yourself out of suicide, easily now. I don't think it will trigger you into it again. Besides if it comes to it, you know I have two lackeys standing outside my door ready to pin you down and place you in a straight jacket. That cushy room is still open, and I can still give you plenty of medication that will take those thoughts out of your head." She laughs getting a weak laugh out of Tobias.
"Thanks Johanna, and yes, I would."
"I can tell you haven't thought about it too much if you would still do it the same way."
"How did your appointment go?" Tris asks walking into the noisy apartment of his. He sits at his drum set playing a song. His headphones are in and he ready can't hear anything. That question was pointless.
A new bag of medicine sits at the counter. It's not the usually antidepressant concoction that Johanna gives him. It's something different. She reads the facts about the medicine knowing that he won't. He can drink with these meds, without getting horribly sick. He'll like that.
His x-ray is also on the counter. There's drawings of pins and plates, telling her that he'll need surgery. It will happen on Wednesday. That's tomorrow.
"I'm going to have surgery tomorrow. Matthews explained that I'm missing cartilage, and things are rubbing, basically my whole right leg is a mess. You can probably read that better than I can." Tobias sounds like he's out of breath.
"Yeah, I can see that. Did you tell your mother? I know she was wondering about it, and I don't want her mad at me because she didn't know."
"Yeah, I just called her up not to long ago. Could you please get me to the hospital tomorrow by seven? The surgery is supposed to take about the hours, they say it's minor-"
"Sounds like a plan. I have Wednesdays off, so I'll be there while everything is going on."
"Okay." He sits up and walks over to the couch, and he pats the spot besides him. "Babe, I need to talk to you. It's important, so will you just listen until I'm done? I promise that I'll try not to make this sounds too morbid."
"Yeah, yeah, of course, you can tell me anything."
He sighs, mumbling about how there is no good way to start it. He had to wrap his arms around her, just to get the courage to start. "Did I ever tell you that I wanted to kill myself?"
"No," Tris's voice is shaky, "but I've figured. Most Vets want to commit suicide-"
"I don't want to scare you, but I want to be honest with you. So I'm sorry, if any of this scares you, but I have to be honest." She nods, and he sighs. "A year ago today, I was hit with the bomb. Three weeks later, I was back in the states, being operated on. A week after that, I was sent to Johanna's for trying to hang myself." Tris gasps, grasping at his black cotton tee, for something more to hang onto.
His arms tighten around her. "I was miserable. I had no way of knowing if anyone on my crew was still alive. I was told that I could probably never walk again. I had dreams that kept me awake at night, they were so bad I couldn't do anything. I a paralysed. I was in so much pain, and I felt ugly, ugly inside and out. So I decided that the only way to get over it was to end it.
"It took me only a day to figure out how I was going to do it. Hanging. It would be the slowest, the most painful way to go. But it would also cut off all circulation to my head, stopping the blood flow, making all means of my brain stop working. I almost was able to go ask the way through with my plan, but a nurse caught me trying to climb up high enough-" he breaks off, during his eyes trying to get away from that memory. "They sent me to Johanna the next day.
"I wanted to forget it all. Everyone I knew, or killed, died a painful death. I figure that's how I needed to go. It took Johanna months to get those thoughts away from me. God, I feel selfish, I never felt so selfish in my entire life. I had some of those same thoughts today. It was only for a second, but it was long enough to hate myself for it. I couldn't do it, I've got so much to lose now, my life means do much more to me-"
"Stop. Tobias. Stop." Tears slide down Tris's cheek, she's pale. "I love you Tobias Eaton. I love you so much. You may hate yourself some days, but on those days I will never stop loving you. I'm so happy that you were completely honest with me. Now I feel selfish-"
"Shush, let's not talk about this anymore, let's just hold each other for a bit. The past, is the past, and I've learned from my mistakes." She nods and hiccups into his chest, probably because she was crying.
In life, Tobias has learned that life is a constant hand of chess. There are constant small battles before you can get to the bigger one.
