Here we go. I had to rewrite it once, and I like it a little better. Hope it is satisfactory.
Disclaimer: I am not a mother and I am definitely not wise.
Chapter 29: Mother's Wisdom
Emptiness unlike any she had experienced before pulled at her insides, yanking them out through a hole near her navel. Like a fountain of pain draining into her stomach, waves of misery crashed against the hollowed shell before pushing out the devilish exit all her hope and left an entrance for despair. It hurt as much as her rage for the death of her father. More so than the hate for the man who had forcefully taken her innocence. With the entirety of her life centered around her savior for six months, Kaoru was unsure what he expected her to do now that he had severed himself so harshly from her side.
And it was different. So very different than just picking up the pieces and moving on. This was not a boulder in the path of her life. She could not simply find a way around it. This was an avalanche that threw her back down the mountain she had struggled to climb and buried her under its unforgiving weight to suffocate and leave her for dead.
"Kaoru?" Focusing dazed eyes on the woman kneeling before her, a soft, cool hand touching her face, Kaoru pulled in a deep breath. "My love, did you want him to stay?"
"H-he said he would never tire of me." New tears fell from her lashes, and as she lifted a hand to wipe them away she hiccupped and leaned into her mother's strong shoulders. "He said… he wanted to be with me forever." Close to sobbing, the fountain churning her insides reversed, flowing up her throat and choking her words.
Nago frowned darkly, her fingers trembling as she forced her daughter to look her in the eye. As painful as it was to see her in such turmoil, she would not let her cry for someone who did not deserve it. "Listen to me, my daughter, men can be tricky in such ways. There are some who do not just take so forwardly what they want, as the men in that village do. This kind of man enjoys deception and will convince a woman of their commitment before taking what she would willingly offer."
Face crumpled, thick lashes clumped together, Kaoru shuddered as she cried. "But Mama… he never took anything… he never…" Cobalt eyes closing, her head fell forward as she let her sorrow take over. There was no reason for her to fight it.
Looking to Okami in shock, they shared a look of disbelief. Then Okami smiled, showing her own joy over the transformation of a demon they both knew to be selfish. Nodding, Nago smiled as well, holding up a hand when the older woman bowed slightly and shut the door. This was going to be a personal matter, and as a mother she would handle it alone. Letting the young girl lean into her once more, she took a deep breath and waited for her to calm.
"Now, little one… I want you to tell me everything." Smiling in reassurance as Kaoru tensed in surprise, Nago nodded at the question in her eyes. "Yes, it was very apparent you were not telling me everything before, but it is not a story that is for everyone, ne? What you have experienced is very personal."
"I… I'm not sure you will understand, Mama."
"Kaoru… do you not think I know what love is?"
"Papa…" Waving her hand out as if in concession, Kaoru half-grinned when her mother smiled. "He loved you very much and when you…"
"I know. I felt it in my heart, and I always knew that if he had survived he would have found me and we would have been together again."
Twisting her hands into her lap, Kaoru looked away. "That's not the part I meant… I just… I don't think… you will forgive me for what I have done."
Frowning, Nago brushed a hand over her hair. "What could I not forgive you for, baby-girl?"
Breathing deeply, Kaoru took hold of the hands wrapping around her arms and pushed them gently away. Placing distance between them, Kaoru sat up straight, looked her in the eye and started from the beginning.
At first it was hard. More so as she had to confess her demand of the demon and what he had done to the village. Her mother's features stayed passive, giving no hint as to whether she was horrified or not, and realizing she would not get her answer until she was completely done, Kaoru continued. She stumbled over those first intimate moments, hoping she was able to accurately portray the demon's actions without condemning him, wanting her mother to understand it was simply the way he was. As their journey progressed, she knew she would only be more embarrassed by her own reactions.
It took over an hour to finish, including her answers of questions posed critically from her mother.
"He let the rest of the women and children go free?"
"Yes. I was amazed as well, but I do not think he would have had the heart to kill them."
Smiling, Nago brushed a hand through her bangs. "It seems, Kaoru, that he did not have the heart for a lot of things. My little girl, you have changed him in more ways than you know."
"But…" Seeing her chance to finally ask a question that had bugged her since the beginning, Kaoru sat up straighter and leaned forward eagerly. "how do you know Kenshin, Mama?"
Grin turning secretive, Nago tilted her head much the way Kaoru did. "I think it is time you heard the entire story."
.
It was very early spring when Nago found herself in the unforgiving arms of the river. Icy waters pulling and pushing at all sides, freezing her limbs and numbing her mind. A part of her recognized her folly in stepping so close to the bank with melting ice rimming the edge, but she had been thirsty. Now, she realized that drink would be the construction of her death.
Several hours later she awoke on a bank many miles downstream, frozen and unable to move. She would be food for the predators when night fell and though she had no strength left, she nearly shivered. Preferring to die by drowning then by the hungry teeth of wolves. Dazed, her eyesight already dim, she looked up and nearly laughed at the face of a demon.
With his red hair like fire in her already delusional mind, his amber eyes were as harsh and unforgiving as the sea she remembered her daughter loved. It had been the reason they moved to that forsaken village in the first place, wasn't it? Creasing her brow as she couldn't quite recall, she watched him turn away without a second glance, ready to leave her for dead. Expecting no less of him, nor in any state to feel resentment for his callousness, Nago spoke only what her brain could conjure from the receding depths of darkness.
"M-my daughter… she would enjoy your hair, sir-demon." Raspy and coarse, Nago struggled with her vocal cords. "Would you give me a lock… so that I may gift it to her… when I join her in the afterlife?"
For a moment he paused, returning his attention to her, and she could see curiosity in his gaze. "Is she already dead then?"
"I-I hope not… though I fear it is not a small possibility. I have not seen my daughter in seven years."
"And you don't think my appearance would frighten her?" Cocking his head to the side, he lifted a brow. "Are you not frightened?"
Lingering in life on the last vestiges of thread and air, Nago truly laughed. "What is left for me to fear? I am embracing death as we speak." Cold, blue lips smiling Nago looked away and saw not her surroundings but the laughing face of a child she had given birth to. "And my Kaoru enjoys exotic things. You would not frighten her, for she fears little." Coughing splashes of river water from her lungs, Nago's pale cyan eyes closed as the pain ripped up her body. Blinking heavy lashes apart, she jumped when she found his face pressed close to hers.
"Does she have eyes as blue as yours?"
"Bluer… prettier than anything… like the ocean after a summer storm…" Voice becoming weak, she felt the muscles in her body relax into a state of coming rigor mortis.
Something close to excitement filled his yellow irises and she wondered what she had done to please him. "I will save your life, but you must tell me more of this daughter. I require it, as payment."
It took several weeks for her to come back to consciousness, and during this time she was aware only of brief flashes of light and warmth from blankets and fire. Food, though she was unsure if she could call it such, was forced down her throat, and with the substance came energy and the returning of life. Though she would never fully be well again. One does not tangle with death and come away unscathed.
During her stay in a cabin with the demon he questioned her constantly, demanding she tell him more, or to simply repeat to him stories he had already heard. He was fascinated by the girl she called daughter, more so, Nago began to suspect, because she painted her personality into such a strong and challenging spirit. At times it frightened her, as she wondered at her own selfishness in allowing this demon to buy her life with images and tales of her only child. What would he do with this knowledge? Was he intending on finding her, if she was even still alive, and what, if he did, would he do with her then?
As Nago's strength returned, her wits came back as well. She could see that there was some reason she had been thrown into the path of this demon, and from there it was up to her on how she used this gift. Was it merely a chance for her to live on? Or was there more to the story? I care not for my own life, but it is my daughter that may need help. Knowing her child would be nearly sixteen, Nago feared that if she had survived for all those years she may be living with a damaged spirit if she was submitted to what she had been. Coming to a decision, Nago set herself in to wait and plan.
Studying the demon, she came upon certain key traits that were to her advantage. He always demanded something in return for any favor asked of him. This she could use. His anger as well was a weakness, as he took offense easily. She would have to be careful, however, as it was a double-edged sword. Nago herself could be cut if he found no more use for her. Timing herself and his mood, Nago made her suggestion in mid-April.
"You seem to like my daughter, Himura-san. Would it anger you to know what her fate most likely entails?"
He frowned as they walked, glancing to her briefly. "What fate? You said she was more than likely already dead."
"Yes, she may very well be gone. However, my daughter was always strong, and I being weak have never gained the courage to go back and see her fate with my own eyes. If she is alive, the village that she would be living in is a place of dishonorable men. They care nothing for others and look upon women as lower than even the fish they eat. She would be sixteen this year. And though I know my daughter to be fearless, she would be of an age that would not last much longer among such men." Meeting his gaze, she let her own pain from such experience echo onto her face. "They will break her, and her fire would be lost forever." It was with no small amount of triumph that Nago glimpsed anger in his eyes, an offended rage that did not speak of worry but a wrath that did not take kindly to someone touching what he coveted. "As it is now, I am positive she will precede me into the afterlife. Will you still not give me a lock of your hair? I am sure she will enjoy it."
Struggling angrily, he looked away. "Why should I care for her fate? It is not my concern."
Seeing how her plan could crumble before her, Nago stopped and gripped him by the arm. "Please, I cannot stand the thought that she might still be living there a moment longer. And if you save her… there will be plenty more tales for me to give you. In fact, you will be able to speak with her yourself. I am sure my daughter will delight you with her stories. She was always the one to speak of worldly things."
"No." Grabbing her by the arm in return, the demon pushed her back and glared, his eyes meaningful and dark. "I do not want your stories any longer." Lip trembling as her hope shriveled and died, Nago felt tears in her eyes for the first time in years. "If I save the girl, you will give her to me as payment."
Aqua eyes widened in horror, her mind unable to foresee this end. "But… I cannot." Swallowing as his anger heightened at her refusal, Nago stepped out from under his reach. "Kaoru is not mine to give, Himura-san. Your requirement would be impossible for me to pay."
Growling, his hand pulled back to circle around the hilt of his katana. "You will give her to me or I will leave her to her destruction."
"You don't understand. I cannot do that." Clasping her hands together as his lip twitched and he jerked as if to walk away, she pleaded. "Only my daughter can give herself to you. It is her choice and her choice alone. You cannot demand it of her."
"Then in what way do you expect me to convince her? I would not save her for nothing." Disgusted and irrational, as he was not getting his way, the demon growled.
Heart sinking, Nago sighed and followed as he continued on the path. "Kaoru will give herself only to the man she loves. Not to a demon who will demand her life as payment."
.
"He left me here only the day after, and I did not hope for his return because of that conversation." Smiling sadly, Nago lifted a hand to brush over her daughter's pale cheek. "It seems, though, that he was unable to keep himself away. You were too tempting a prize."
"A prize?" Laughing softly, Kaoru turned away from her touch. "I can see now that Kazumi was right. He would have forced me to believe my debt was great whether I asked anything of him or not."
"But my daughter, you are missing something very important."
"Oh?" Bitter, Kaoru let her lip tremble downward.
"He underestimated you." Smiling when azure irises lifted curiously, Nago tweaked her nose. "Why else would he go through so much trouble not to take what he had convinced you was rightfully his?"
"I don't…" Blushing, Kaoru dropped her gaze to her lap and thought of every moment that suggested his interest in more than just talk. "I do not see why."
"My darling, you should remember how interesting he found you to be, even before having met you. Finding out how clearly you despised even the notion of such an intimacy must have made him wary. After finally having you within his grasp, do you think he would so carelessly make you resent him?"
"But that doesn't explain anything, Kaasan."
"Kaoru, I am not going to pretend I know everything that has passed through his head. I have a feeling Himura-san has witnessed many things others have and should not. His experience has molded his character and by whatever design he chose not to exploit your willing acceptance of his terms. Even going so far as to try and make you happy. Speaking with him of your innocence was what fascinated him the most, and I remember well how easily excitable you are. The first time you saw the ocean you could not have contained your delight even if you were capable of restraint."
Spoken with such fondness, Kaoru smiled and yet dropped her head. "If I am such a fascination, why am I now here alone, Mother?"
Wrapping her arms around the girl and holding her to her heart, Nago's lip trembled over her next difficult words. "My dear, it could be just as his letter has said. With nothing but your presence you have given him happiness, and he is now giving you your freedom in return."
"But what if it's not what I want?" Tearful and shaking, Kaoru buried her face in the front of her mother's kimono.
"Within the answer I must give, there are two possibilities. The first is in taking his words literal. He has no more use for you, and therefore has no more interest. The second is he is completely unaware of your wish to continue to be with him. And in his ignorance he has left you here thinking you will be happier without him. Though for my own selfish reasons I wish to say the former is true, so I may keep you here with me and enjoy your presence as I have been denied for these long years, I must admit, my daughter, that I am inclined to believe the latter."
Irises as dark as the sea rose to meet her gaze, a guarded hope blossoming in their depths. "You think… that he may still want me?"
"If only with the truths I have witnessed myself today, I do. But with your words, I see it much clearer. His reactions to you, his words spoken so carelessly, his refusals of affection and yet demand of your attention contradict all of his roughness. Like the ocean patiently smoothing away rock, you have softened his jagged edges. What idiot would wish to give away that which makes him happy? He must have expected your affection to turn to resentment after today, if he kept you."
"Because of you, Mama?" Nago nodded silently and Kaoru's hand shot out in a gesture of disbelief. "Then why didn't he just keep going? Why bring me here at all? He knew I thought you had died, there was nothing stopping him from keeping me so ignorant."
"I do not know, love. Though I am extremely grateful, like I have said before, I cannot know his mind. I can merely speculate. Perhaps he brought you here at first to gloat, and later rethought his plans. Perhaps, Kaoru, he understood my words. That you would not be able to love him as a demon, demanding payment for his actions, but would only give your love away to a man who let you choose freely."
Still unwilling to believe, still slightly bitter of her abandonment, Kaoru looked away. "How can you expect me to believe… that a demon would want my love? And why should I give it to him when I cannot even see him loving me back? A demon cannot love."
"Silly girl." Voice snapping as Nago lost patience, Kaoru jumped. "I thought you would see better than I." Cupping her face in both hands and sighing, Nago smiled. "He is only a man." Cerulean irises widened in insight, her hands moving in vague patterns.
"But…"
"Merely a man misguided and untutored in peaceful society. He is a product of war, Kaoru. He has known nothing but violence. You are the only good thing that has happened to his life, and child… you have changed him. Today I saw a much calmer man sit at our table and eat than a year ago. You have helped him find his peace, after everything that has happened to him, you have quelled the fire in his soul."
"But his appearance… even he has named himself a demon." Unearthing smaller details, Kaoru did not wish to argue with the wonderful dream, but could not find it in herself to hope.
"I am sure he has heard it enough times from others to actually believe it himself. And as for his appearance, I have thought on this too. Who is to say his family is not from another land? Maybe his mother or his father traveled here… perhaps both… and settled to have a family. It is sad to think that their deaths could be the direct result of their foreign looks, but not impossible. You have the better imagination, Kaoru. It surprises me that you have not already thought on any of this."
"I guess I simply… I never…" Shrugging her shoulders with a small laugh, Kaoru blushed. "I guess I liked the idea of him being a demon better."
"Silly child." Voice much more affectionate, Nago patted her on the cheek. "I am sure this is why he likes you, though."
"But… none of this changes the fact that he left, Kaasan. And his letter…" Swallowing, Kaoru waved it half-heartedly. "He said… that there's nothing more that he wants from me. What if you're right? What if his words are true?"
"My child… do you love this man?" Letting her hands fall to her shoulders, Nago held her attention steady.
"I… I do."
"And will you stay here and mourn his loss for the rest of your life, regretting for eternity that you did not chase after him and demand he tell you his decision to your face? Will you let him get away so easily?" Shaking her, Nago challenged the spirit inside her daughter, hoping to rouse her strength and stubbornness. "Will you give up and waste away in this place as I have? Is that what you want?"
"…No."
"Then you had better leave quick, before he gets too far away."
Already lifting up to her feet, Kaoru paused, her eyes unsure as they searched her mother's. "Mama… are you disappointed with me? With the request that made of Kenshin?"
Smiling sadly, Nago rose to her knees and hugged her daughter fiercely. "I will not say that I am pleased, and I do not think your father would have wanted you to feel such vengeful notions either, but baby girl… you are my daughter and I will love you no matter what you do." Sitting back and taking the letter from her hands, Nago tore it in half. "Besides, I trust that you have learned from your decisions, and I approve of the ones you have made afterwards. I am proud of you, Kaoru, and I know your father would be too. I only hope you will continue to live your life in the peace you have found. Which means, my love, that you must hurry before it disappears completely."
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A/N: It was fun writing Kenshin as he was before he met Kaoru once again. I had to actually pause and rethink his character. After going through so many chapters and developing his attitude and softening his personality with his growth, I almost stumbled over the transition. lol I hope it sounds the way he would have been. My original chapter was giving too much away and I almost made Kaoru's mom too informed over Kenshin. So I had to rewrite and make her a little less know-it-all. I'm a little more pleased with it now, and I hope that everyone likes the conversation and interaction between Kaoru and her mother. I got some mixed reviews about having her still alive since I pretty much tried to convince everyone that she was dead from the very beginning. Sorry if some of you were a little disappointed. Some people actually thought they were going to Master Hiko's, but if you remember Kenshin was traveling with a destination in mind ever since the third chapter, and he wouldn't intentional go to his master... ever. Not with the background that I have given to him. Not with his disposition being the way it was and his soul in such turmoil. Only after being with Kaoru for quite awhile did he even speak of his master, and it was only then that he actually confessed his sorrow of the last encounter he had with him. So there would be no reason for him to go visit Hiko, especially with Kaoru in tow. He hasn't even really thought about atoning for anything. Hope that clears that up.
On to the mother thing, if you remember Kenshin asks Kaoru about her mother quite often, and even after learning that Kaoru thinks her mother dead he never really acknowledges, or argues, about her assumption. You see, since Kaoru told Kenshin that the men, especially her uncle, had chased Nago off into the woods, where they supposedly raped and murdered her. All they had to do is go back and say they did and no one could prove them wrong, especially since it happened in winter, since Nago spoke of snow, and even if she did get away from them (which she did) they simply assumed that in the condition they left her in there would be no way she would survive on her own. Little did they know that Kaoru took a lot after both of her parents, so even though Nago speaks about her lack of courage... when placed in a dire situation, anyone is going to have a strong will to survive. Ok... so that was a lot more explaining than I had hoped to do. Hope I didn't bore anyone... and I hope this chapter explained a few things by itself without these author notes. Thanks once again for sticking with my story. I'm glad there are so many people that like it so much. Leave a review and tell me if this was good and hey... only four more chapters to go! That actually makes me more sad than happy. :(
