The Morning After (Part 2)

"This is all the make-up you have?" Rosalie asks, combing through my vanity drawer as I sit mutely on the bed. It's the third times she's scraped through that drawer, unwilling to relent to the scarcity of my cosmetic collection.

"I don't use it often, and when I do I usually just borrow from Alice." It doesn't miss me that my natural human complexion is so akin to the paleness of my vampire girlfriend, and it doesn't miss Rosalie either judging by the scoff and slight roll of her eyes. She gathers everything she finds useful and drops it onto my bed before folding her legs and sitting on the bed in front of me.

This feels weird.

Rosalie being in my house is bizarre enough, but having her in my room is like being in an alternate universe. We've never been particularly close, despite the spontaneous slices of kindness she's granted me in the past especially where Alice is concerned.

She grabs my hand and squirts a blot of concealer from each tube onto the back of it, then blends them together with a cosmetic wedge. The color is off, so she repeats the process of adding different shades until she finds a balance between them that matches my skin tone. Satisfied, she dips the wedge into the mixture she created and begins applying it to my neck. Her hands are soft and cold like Alices', but strong and tentative like Edward, and her hair falls in soft golden spirals around her face as she focuses pensively on her task. She looks like some great Greek goddess, carved from flawless marble, and I can see how she does it, how she makes people fear her just as easily as they fawn over her. Seriously, what a talent.

She tilts my chin up to reach the lower areas at the base of my neck, and I hear her click her tongue disapprovingly at the exposure of even more bruises. I swallow hard, stiffening the instant her hands contact my neck. My body language must be louder than the words we aren't saying, because she sighs and stops what she's doing.

"How are you still this nervous around me?" She sounds more annoyed than anything, but there's a hint of curiosity there too.

I shrug. In my defense I'm nervous around most people, and the question she's posing isn't helping subdue those nerves.

"I don't mean to be, but you can be pretty intimidating. I guess...I still feel like I don't really know you."

She considers me for a long moment before slowly picking up the sponge and continuing her initial task. "You know enough." Her tone is flat, although not unkind.

"Blonde hair, piercing stare and an adversity to smiling. Hardly enough to give a decent description to a police sketch artist, definitely not enough to form a friendship."

Her smile is humored but dripping with incredulity, "A friendship? When have you ever been open with me? All the things I know about you are either learned through Alice, Edward, or when I show up somewhere no one expects me to be." She doesn't need to mention the time she caught me and Alice in the forest, the mess she tried to clean up when I showed up to their house soaking wet and crying over Alice, or the fact that she more than likely saved my life the first time Victoria tried to kill me. She doesn't need to mention it because I remember.

Maybe I do know enough?

"You're right, and I'm sorry."

"Sure, whatever." She says dismissively, finished with the concealer on my neck, now moving to my face.

I touch the hand that's lifting to my face to get her attention because I want her to know, "I'm sorry. I took what you did for granted, but I didn't mean to."

Her eyes explore mine for a beat, before she slowly acquiesces. "Okay, but since we're being honest maybe you can answer something for me?" It sounds simultaneously like a trap and a test, a test to see if I really am willing to be open with her, and I can't help feeling I've just backed myself into a corner.

"Sure." I choke out with a hard swallow, my heart already thumping nervously.

"Do you want to talk about happened before we showed up?" Why didn't I see that coming? Of course she wants to know; I was bleeding all over the place.

I hug my knees into my chest, feeling comforted by the shrinking gesture. "Sure."

She waits expectantly, but the words don't come easily. "But not with me?" She guesses wrongly, sounding for the first time disappointed.

"No, that's not it." I don't want to seem hypocritical by avoiding her question, but it still feels so raw. I've never felt that way before. My heart was beating so fast I thought it might explode inside my chest like an over-inflated balloon.I felt so...powerless. So, it takes me a few minutes to balance the emotions that stir up when recalling what happened earlier.

"When Alice left this morning, I was scared that James would come back, and I panicked. I know it doesn't make a ton of sense because they're gone, but I'm still afraid of the next threat. I don't know how to move on if I can't even be alone for 15mins without having a full-on panic attack." I watch Rosalie's eyes drop and follow her line of sight to the death grip I have on my wrist. I didn't even realize I was squeezing it again. What's the matter with me?

"You still feel him here?" She gestures faintly to my wrist, then pries my hand away.

"How do you know that?"

"Experience." Her expression goes hard and stony, like the coals of whatever memory she's recalling are still smoldering hot inside her. I can feel the heat of that memory burning like I'm sitting too close to an oven. I want to know what has scarred her so deeply, but the opening for any inquiries closes quickly and I'm afraid to bring it up again. "Go on. It helps to talk about it." She says, while pointedly not talking about whatever is setting her on fire.

I take the leap.

"He's in my head, I feel him on my skin, and when I close my eyes…" My eyes drift shut, and the memory of his blood-stained smile force them open again. "…I'm reminded of the same powerlessness I felt that day. I don't know how to make it stop, and I'm afraid what I'll have to give up to feel safe will be even worse than what I've already experienced."

Rosalie sighs deeply. "I thought the suffering my family endured as humans wouldn't be relived with you. You were supposed to be different." Her fist is clenching the concealer tube, she drops it before it pops under the pressure.

"I wish I could tell you that there's an easy way to get it all back -your safety, the carelessness of adolescence, and a body that doesn't ache with what they did to you- but I'm not good at sugar-coating, and we both know it would be bullshit. The scars on the inside aren't as easy to fix as the ones we can see and that's what makes them so dangerous. You've been through some terrible things, but you survive by keeping it together in here." She taps her temple for emphasis. "You are not powerless. You're just hurting, and it's not weakness to let yourself feel it, it's quite the opposite. If you need to cry, or smash shit, or scream, do it. Just let yourself feel it, because locking it inside will rip you apart, and you'll only hurt yourself in the process."

I shake my head, what she's saying sounds like self-destruction. "I don't know if I can do that. I don't want to feel any of it, that's the point. I feel too much. I remember everything about that night, right down to the moldy lumber smell of the building, and the way the rope felt on my wrists." The rope was damp and dirty like it had been left outside in the rain too long. The roughness of the braids itched my skin. A shiver runs across my back at the thought.

"Memories don't go away because you ignore them. If you don't confront how they make you feel they'll always have power over you."

It's not the memories that took my power. It's him. He took something from me -they all did- and I was wrong before…

"I should've let Alice kill him." I feel a deep satisfaction at the thought. A relief that seems to spread the longer I ruminate on the idea. "Why did I stop her?"

She fixes me with a hard stare. "Because you love her more than you hate him. You did the right thing."

"Did I? Because he's out there somewhere with the taste of my blood still in his mouth. He knows where I live Rose! What's stopping him from coming back?" I feel the heat of angry tears swelling in my eyes, but I indignantly resolve not to let them spill.

"We are."

"I thought we were beyond sugarcoating?"

"I have nothing to gain from lying to you. None of us can keep you safe always. I'm sure Alice has made that clear to you by now, but when it comes to James..." And here her jaw tightness so taut I think it must be painful. "…he will never touch you again. I won't let him. Do you understand?" I don't fully understand, but I think I'm starting to. I have a rotten feeling in my gut that makes me think Rosalie's past has memories that, like Alice's, would break my heart to know. I'm not brave enough to ask what those stories are, so instead of asking I simply nod.

"You don't need to worry about him coming back, just focus on yourself from now on Bella." She pushes the collar of my hoodie to the side with her index noting the discolored skin hidden beneath the jacket. Her jaw tightens, and a flash of something fiery appears in her expression. Suddenly, as if she can't possibly keep the words inside a second longer, she blurts, "…and you should start with stopping Alice from hurting you if you're going to be sleeping together." There's that look again, the same one she had in the living room. Anger and disapproving judgment. I thought it was about Victoria, but it's about Alice. She's angry with her for hurting me.

"It wasn't her fault." I can't for one second allow her to believe that Alice had done any of this carelessly. I'm human and humans are…softer. In the harsh light of day everything seems more extreme, especially from an outsider perspective. "It was our first time…it will get easier for her."

Rosalie isn't nearly as forgiving. "No, it won't. Sex complicates everything, and Alice knows better."

"She can handle it." I retort defiantly.

She shakes her head as if she's dealing with someone completely inept. "Why do you think that she's above what every other vampire on the planet is a slave to? You must know better than to think she can handle this. My family chooses to resist the temptation of human blood, this is not a natural lifestyle for us. We can only keep this diet for as long as we want to keep it; the instant our instincts become louder than our willpower we lose. Vampires with human mates are in a constant battle for control, and once you introduce sex it only gets harder for them."

This conversation is frustrating, even more so because I know she's right even though I'm being defensive. Rosalie must realize her tone has taken a badgering nature because she immediately softens. "I can be here for you if you want me to Bella. I honestly just want to help you." She says it with such sincerity it's impossible not to accept the guidance I'm being offered.

I deflate, lowering the walls I was beginning to build up. "Okay. What should I do?"

"I would say abstinence is the best prevention, but since I'm sure you won't listen to that logic, you need to learn how to control her." She says it so severely it's as if we're talking about a wild lion and not my girlfriend. Although one could make the argument that there is no distinction between the two since Alice is a vampire.

I didn't anticipate starting my morning with a sex-talk led by Rosalie Hale, but I'm curious, and since I want sex with Alice to be safer than what happened last night I need to know, "How do I control her?"

"For starters don't let her top you." The inflection in her tone attests that she knows with certainty I allowed Alice to dominate. My face flushes quickly and I suddenly find it even harder to meet her eyes.

She nudges my knee, "I'm not judging. Vampires are predators and when you submit you're inviting her to treat you like prey. Keep her away from your neck, and never bare your throat to her. It's a bit of a weak spot for us." She says this with a little glance to my pulse point for emphasis. "If you pay attention to the signs her body tells you then you'll be one step ahead of any behavior that might be dangerous."

"How do I know the difference between all that and -I don't know- her just being turned on."

"Besides obvious things -like her eyes, baring teeth, or growling- our predatory senses act like a siren to humans so if you ever feel fearful at any point you have to stop her." Alice was giving me every one of those signs last night, and I did nothing to stop her. That's more than luck. I wonder if her ability played a larger role in my safety than I initially thought?

"There's one more thing…" She looks uncomfortable with whatever she's going to say next. "If you let her penetrate you there could be blood, so you need to find other ways to-"

"I get it." I blurt. "We didn't…umm…she didn't-"

"You don't need to explain." She saves me the embarrassment of my next few words. "Alice knows what not to do, but if she gets too distracted I want you to know how to bring her back. You're stronger than her -your judgment and your emotions aren't clouded by vampiric instincts- you have more power than you think as a human." She's the first person to ever make that assertion. I've always felt like my humanity was a weakness, a skin I needed to shed to become better. The notion that's it's the opposite is as comforting as it is confusing, because it doesn't help answer the question of whether I should let Alice turn me, and it doesn't resolve whether or not I want her to.

Rosalie starts to gather the make-up items she was using into a pile, scooping them up and returning them neatly to the drawer she found them in. I tap my fingers lightly over my neck and face, blindly inspecting the heaviness of the product under the tips of my index. She turns back to me with a mirror outstretched.

"You did a great job." I comment, while staring into the mirror pleased to finally see a familiar face reflected. The bruises are completely unnoticeable. Welcome back Bella.

Rosalie snorts. "Don't sound so surprised. Everything I do is great." My eyes lift at the cocky comment to see here sporting a playful (but notably smug) smile.

I hand the mirror back to her. "Thank you." I say, remembering to be grateful this time around.

She nods, appreciative but clearly unfamiliar with the expression of sentimentality. "Any vampire will still be able to tell but humans will be fooled. You'll have to do this everyday until you're healed, or at least wear something more concealing. Alice can help you if I'm not around."

She hesitates, "If you ever feel the way you did earlier you can always talk to me. Even if it's about Alice, I won't hold any sibling bias."

"Sure." A friendship with Rosalie Hale is starting to feel less weird, and more like something I wish I'd started a lot sooner.

Abruptly, her head cranes towards the door and she lifts her nose slightly to sniff at the air.

"What is it?"

She rolls her eyes but a slight smile curves at the corner of her lips. "Emmett went outside the moment we started talking to give us some privacy. I guess he forgot to take the waffles from the oven before leaving."

"Oh no." Even to my own ears the words sound disingenuous, and the smile that accompanies them doesn't help.

"Good thing Esme packed extra." Rosalie comments, heading to the kitchen with a thinly concealed smile of her own.

Dammit.


I kill my first deer with more force than necessary, redirecting every violent impulse into the unsuspecting doe so that I don't carry that urge back to Bella. Twice last night I felt myself slipping, only moments away from hurting the one person I care about more than anything, and who I swore I would protect. I'm conflicted between celebrating my self-control at resisting her blood or reprimanding myself for being too weak to resist the temptation of her body. Subduing my monstrous urges are the bare minimum of what I need to do to be a good mate, I don't get to pretend to be the good guy when I'm still hurting her.

I give a frustrated shove to the deer slouched at my feet. It was a messy kill, and most of the blood was wasted in the hunt. What's left has gone cold and unappetizing, and I'll have to find another which will undoubtedly make me late. I pull my cell phone from my jacket pocket and shoot a quick text to Bella, then Rose, letting them know I'll be longer than expected.

Bella's reply is an immediate…

"It's okay. Rose and Emmett are keeping me company. Thank you for sending them!"

Rosalie's is a curt…

"Fine."

She's angry with me. Lately it seems like everyone has a reason to be, but I must admit I'm growing tired of being the whipping child of the Cullen household…even if I do deserve it sometimes. It's their own expectations that disappoint them when I'm not what they want me to be.

Alice knows the future.

Alice can tell us what we should do.

Alice can handle it.

I'm just trying to keep myself from breaking into a thousand disjointed fragments of personality. Everything I've believed for decades is a lie. I can't rely on my visions, my family has no idea who I am, Victoria is as much a devil as she is a savior, and the one person who makes me feel whole is being pulled to pieces by my presence in her life. I knew being with Bella, with someone human, would have its share of challenges, but I never expected the threats to come from every corner of the Earth. I was prepared for Edward hating me, Jasper leaving me, even the crass whispers and mocking from our classmates when they thought I couldn't hear. I'd steeled myself for everything I'd seen in my visions the moment I decided to be with Bella, but Victoria and the Volturi are a variable that scares me.

I dust myself off and drag the deer carcass into a nearby brush, keeping the mangled animal out of sight of any humans who might wander into the area. I catch the scent of a smaller animal blowing in from the East. Second time's the charm?

When I return to Bella's house, golden eyed and washed clean of blood and mud, it's two hours past the time I promised. Emmett's Jeep is parked in the driveway, and I can hear him talking inside, but Rose is sitting on the porch. Waiting. Her eyes stare right through me as stands up and walks past, wordlessly gesturing for me to follow.

"Do you have any idea how vulnerable she is right now?" We've been walking for a few minutes, and her back is to me, but she gives a small half-turn in my direction to check that I'm still following. "Do you know how vulnerable she makes you?"

"You know I do." I say, exasperated.

"So, why did you do it?" She pauses for the first time and turns to face me, crossing her arms across her chest and looking rather unforgiving.

I lose my patience with her questions the moment Bella is involved, meeting her accusation with a avalanche of words I can't stop from rolling. "You're asking why I had sex with my girlfriend? Really. You're judging me, even though you and Emmett carry on like two dogs in heat?"

Rosalie looks like a match flicked to flame. "Emmett isn't human, and he's not in danger of having his skull crushed if I kiss him too roughly. You know this isn't about us."

"You're right, it's not about you. Bella is my mate, not yours, so stay out of it Rose." I turn away from her and start toward Bella's house, but she grabs me a second later and spins me around so strongly I almost lose my balance.

"You've got to be kidding me. You put me in the middle of this…" One perfectly manicured index shoves me hard in the chest for emphasis. "…so, if you want me to stay out of it then keep me out of it! Your mate is having panic attacks, her body is covered in bruises, and she's so anxious her heartbeat has been hammering the entire time we've been here. She's traumatized, and you're just trading one trauma for another."

"So, my loving her is a trauma?"

"You're making her dependent on you, you're tying her emotional stability to your company, and you're doing this all while knowing we have to leave this town without her. It's cruel, and it's selfish, and it's not who you are."

"You have no idea who I am." I grit, feeling the steam from my earlier ponderings re-ignited by her words. "I'm not leaving her."

"Go ahead and keep lying to yourself Alice. You know what Carlisle's going to say at that meeting tonight, and you know he's right." She walks away, but only gets a few feet before she turns and adds, "And fyi, there's only so many times I'm going to let you get away with talking to me like that. That was strike two." I scowl, but I know better than to say more in this moment. Rosalie has a temper that isn't easily appeased, and I don't want to escalate this argument any further.

I follow her back to the house, but I can't stop her words from coiling through my mind, like tendrils from an invasive vine. My hands are shaking and all I can think is…

I'm not leaving her.


I'm gonna try to stop doing "parts," but no promises. I'm writing these chapters wayyyy too long (like 10k), so I needed a quick fix to the too many words problem. Also, I wanna give a shout-out to my first reviewers since my hiatus:

Gabuoo, Faol Ban, Can Someone Say, darkideaki, Sebastian Shuu, and a nargle! Thank you for reading, for waiting, and for supporting. It's well appreciated. :) And to all my secret readers, thank you! Next chapter up in a few. Don't worry, they'll actually be in the same room this time. ;)