Title: Journey
Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling (including the dialogue taken from OotP).
Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT
Author Notes: Gosh I'm sorry for the delay, but my internet broke down on Sunday and I had to buy a new router, I've just finished installing it. Unfortunately I couldn't upload sooner. As an apology I will have a bonus chapter ready by Saturday. It's about how Remus told Sirius that he's involved with Severus (it's not important for the story so you don't have to read it if you don't want to).
Also, do you like the Shakespeare sonnet? Another one in chapter 1 of HBP.
Kiraling: Yeah, the centaurs, I've been looking forward to them :) Love that scene. And yeah, actually I like it when there isn't much canon, but then again, to write something without the slightest hints as to how it could have been is difficult. Surely not everybody will share my view of things ;). Hope you like the last chapter of OotP, I'm wondering if it is more painful to Remus or to Severus.
Resevius: Ah, so so sorry to be updating one day late, this was uncanny timing. Fate wanted to punish me ^^ and it's raining too. I hope your conference was alright. Yeah, that parallel between Severus and Harry was important to me, and the differences at the same time. Unfortunately, Remus decided to go on that daredevil mission to the werewolves, so distance will be inevitable at least in HBP... And though there wasn't much Remus and Severus, we still know what they were doing during the time they weren't appearing, that helps. About the Patronuses: yeah, well, so many interpretations, actually I like it when I don't know for sure ;)
soniakay: You're so right, and this chapter will be more heartbreaking still, I suppose. But watch out for the next chapter, some more Sirius there :).
Emily-pino: That's great, because I always have that feeling when I read him in Harry Potter: yeah, Severus, I love you but that wasn't good ^^. The McGonagall moment, yeah, I always like the two of them because their relationship isn't normal or easy :). And I interpreted a lot in that moment when Remus jumps in-between Lucius and Harry in the DoM. But, yeah, Lucius is the Deatheater because Severus is so close to him ^^. Even though he's not the worst of them.
Grief
It was an unusual sight, indeed, Bellatrix was cowering to the Dark Lord's feet, trembling and whimpering pitifully while her sister was standing stiffly beside her, her face white and impassive. Severus stepped into the circle, looking around at the many gaps that were now once again gaping in it. The Dark Lord didn't speak at first, he looked furious in a dangerously calm way and Severus felt those to his left and right shudder with fright. Severus had not even thought about the possibility that he could be blamed for what had happened at the Ministry, he assumed that the Dark Lord had not expected him to help Lucius, but he could not be sure. The Dark Lord seemed so bad-tempered that his reactions were absolutely unpredictable.
He shoved Bellatrix roughly away from him with his foot and she wailed loudly. Narcissa didn't move an inch, didn't make a sound. Severus watched her with regret. He knew that the Dark Lord would make her and Draco pay for Lucius's mistake. That was what the Dark Lord did. That was why Severus would never allow his love for Remus to become known to him. He felt vulnerable once again.
"I am very … disappointed," hissed the Dark Lord and his voice even made Severus shudder. "You might wonder why those who were captured in the Department of Mysteries are still in Azkaban and not already back here with us? I shall tell you why: because they deserve punishment for their abysmal failure! Because obviously I cannot even trust you with overpowering a few teenagers to bring me my prophecy … obviously I was mistaken in placing my trust in those I have always counted my favourites …" Bellatrix wailed once more and tried to kiss the hem of his robe but he kicked her away again.
"The prophecy is destroyed, Potter is still alive and the wizarding world is now aware of my return, a whole year's careful preparation – for nothing! I daresay that the result of your fellows' blunder could not be worse!" continued the Dark Lord and as he looked around Severus could see in his red eyes the urge to punish somebody no matter whom and he gripped his wand tightly as he pointed it into Severus's direction. But it was not Severus who fell to the ground, writhing in pain, though he flinched when the cold voice hissed "Crucio!" and Wormtail wailed in pain. But for him, Severus felt no pity. After a few seconds, the Dark Lord seemed to be sufficiently placated and released Wormtail who remained panting on the ground. "It cannot to be changed …" the Dark Lord went on and the circle was as silent as it could be. "We will have to make the best of it. We need to move at once. The time of secrecy is past, which gives us more freedom to do what should have been done long before. In fact, why not be as loud and terrorising as you can, my friends?" A delighted murmur went through the previously subdued circle and Severus felt his stomach churning. "We may not lose time, now that the Ministry are on the move against us. And those of you who are still here will be well advised not to disappoint me as well. I will need … Ollivander."
The Dark Lord turned his head and looked at Selwyn who nodded and bowed, and the Dark Lord started pacing the circle. "Narcissa," he said after a while and for the first time Narcissa stirred, raising her head slightly but never looking at the Dark Lord, "I expect you to keep in contact with Greyback, since Lucius is currently not available. I will need the werewolves to do some dirty work for us. And …" he paused and gave her a malicious look, "do bring Draco to me, I have a special task for him."
Severus saw Narcissa tense but she nodded obediently and Severus knew that if she could, she would seize Draco and run away. But she could not leave her husband. And she knew the Dark Lord would find them. Severus swallowed hard. Now was the time that Draco got what he wanted, but not because the Dark Lord thought him worthy of becoming a Death Eater, quite the contrary. Lucius had obviously not been punished enough yet.
"I hope," said the Dark Lord loudly and everyone flinched, "that this reminds you that none of you stays in my favour without doing something for it … and that everyone can rise in my esteem," at this he looked at Severus and inclined his head and Severus gave a bow in return, "like Severus."
"I am glad that I was able to serve you to your satisfaction, my Lord," said Severus quietly and Bellatrix spat on the floor. Charming girl.
"Yes, Bellatrix, maybe you do not share my opinion but then again, you cannot expect me to heed your advice any longer," said the Dark Lord malignantly and she whimpered again. "Severus here is the only one who did as he was told all year, the only one who can say of himself that he did everything right."
Severus found it morbidly amusing that the Dark Lord was complimenting him on something he had never done or intended to do. And he had to admit that Hogwarts was a far safer terrain than the Department of Mysteries. When the circle was dismissed the Dark Lord held Severus back and waited until everyone else had Disapparated before he addressed him.
"Indeed, I am very pleased with your services, Severus," said he quietly, twirling his wand between his fingers. "You will be glad to hear that I trust you. In fact I trust you so much that I wish to consult you about a delicate matter." He looked at Severus and narrowed his red eyes. "I have now blocked my connection with Harry Potter," he continued and Severus succeeded to hide his satisfaction.
"May I inquire as to why, my Lord?" he asked with a little bow and the Dark Lord inclined his head with a wave of his hand.
"Though I did believe it useful to manipulate Potter's mind, and I was proven right with your help, I believe now that the dangers outweigh the advantages. And after Lucius and the others have wasted this one chance, Potter will not give me a second opportunity, nor will Dumbledore. And I must admit I do not wish Dumbledore to be informed of any more of my plans. When I was possessing the boy, I experienced … it was as if I was about to fall to pieces. This connection is dangerous. Dumbledore has not told you if he knows anything about this matter?"
"Dumbledore is merely speculating, my Lord," said Severus quietly. "He believes that it was Potter's grief that chased you out of his body."
The Dark Lord's features distorted in hatred. "Grief. Love. This weak brat. He wanted to die, Severus, so he could see his godfather again. Naturally I would be incompatible with him. I am above such emotions. I liked it better when he was with you, Severus, he was so full of hatred then." He smirked approvingly at Severus, his red eyes piercing him.
"It was requited, my Lord," said Severus quietly and found it unsettling that the Dark Lord had actually been looking at him through Potter's eyes.
"Understandable," replied the Dark Lord lazily. "After all he is the living reminder that someone else was chosen instead of you." Severus balled his fists and his head jerked slightly in his anger. He took a deep breath and cleared that emotion away, but the dull pain in his chest stayed and he wondered why it never disappeared, why not even Remus could make him forget. "But you know nowadays, that you were destined for more, anyway, do you not, Severus? You do not begrudge me that I didn't spare the girl, do you? Desire sometimes misleads us, but you agree with me that there are others waiting for you … worthier of you?" Severus nodded reluctantly, cold fury threatening to well up inside him. But he controlled himself and the Dark Lord continued. "That brings me to another matter … I know everybody believes that I want you to kill Dumbledore … I do not deny it. It would be a great service. Just not yet. What would you say if I told you that I had a special plan for young Draco?"
"Draco, my Lord?" asked Severus levelly. "I do not believe that he is up to any task you could set him."
The Dark Lord laughed icily and Severus hated him, hated him, hated him. "Oh, no, Severus, I do not intend him to fulfil the task I want to set him. No, no, no, my only intention is to show Lucius what happens to those who disappoint me. Again, and again. And, you might be aware of it, one hurts people most when one hurts those they love," he paused and made a hissing noise of disgust, "I think you will agree with me when I say that you and I are superior to those who lose their hearts and their minds and become vulnerable fools in the process, timid and careless. Pitiful. I regret that Lucius, too, fell prey to that primitive emotion."
Severus said nothing. Only somebody who had never loved could talk like that. He felt like a vulnerable fool. He wondered if the Dark Lord had never even noticed that he – Severus – had lost his heart and his mind as well, for the second time now. And as he was thinking about it, he realised that he had somewhere to go, someone to comfort.
"Do not touch Potter, Severus," said the Dark Lord, turning away from him. "I must kill him myself. And do not touch Dumbledore before I tell you so. As soon as we have cut off its head, the Order of the Phoenix will perish. But we still have some time. Time enough for Draco to try and prove himself …"
"As you wish, my Lord," said Severus and bowed. "I am sure everything will run smoothly."
"As long as able servants carry it out …" replied the Dark Lord and glanced at Severus with a lipless sneer. "I suppose that when the time comes it will be you whom I shall rely on. Very well, you are dismissed, Severus, my friend."
Severus couldn't wait to get away from him. He had to talk to Remus from fool to fool, right now. Remembering what Albus had said about Grimmauld Place having to be cleared out he Apparated to London and arrived on the doorstep of number twelve when the door was just being opened. Molly Weasley jumped with a cry of surprise when he materialised in front of her. He jerked his head in greeting and pushed past her into the dark hall.
"Is Lupin here?" he asked curtly as Arthur walked towards him through the hall.
"Oh," said Arthur, glancing up the stairs, "yes, he is upstairs in Sirius's room. He wanted to look through his things before he leaves."
Severus nodded and looked into the darkness of the first floor. "Have you … talked to him?" he asked slowly. "About Black?"
Arthur looked slightly uneasy. "Well, we tried, but he just avoided the topic. He seemed rather controlled so we left it at that. Dumbledore tried to talk to him too right after it happened … but after we had heard raised voices and some crashing he left again; he looked upset. Are you going to talk to him?"
Arthur gave him a curious look and Severus scowled at him. "Of course not! What do I care about his pain? I just don't want to be snarled at when I come across him." He felt angry with himself for what he had said and he swept past Arthur without another word, stomping up the stairs and peering into the rooms to find Black's bedroom. He had to ascend the stairs until they went no further and he passed through an open door with a nameplate on it reading "Sirius" only to find his werewolf standing with his back to him, gazing out of the window.
Severus took a step into the room, the room of a teenager, no doubt, with posters and photos on the walls and letters and magazines on the desk. When Severus took another step forward there was a crunching noise and when he looked down he saw he had stepped into glass shards that were scattered over the floor. "So, you have finally made it here," said Remus and his voice was flat and dull. Yet, Severus thought he had heard a reproachful edge to it and started worrying. "I was wondering if you had forgotten where to find me."
Severus cleared his throat, knowing that these remarks were Remus's way of ordering him to apologise. And he knew he must apologise. "I was …" he started, thinking about the excuses he had made up and deciding to forget about them, "forgive me …"
Remus turned his head slightly and Severus could finally see his face which seemed calm and tired as usual. He found it curious. He had expected a Remus dissolved into tears, or at least a Remus who was openly angry or desperate. But he was indeed controlled. Unhealthily so. "You are late," said Remus and looked back out of the window. "I would have needed you much sooner."
Severus rolled his eyes and looked at his feet, wondering what he was supposed to do. As he glanced around the room he found a picture lying on Black's desk. A photograph of the young Potter family, waving at the ceiling. He felt a lump forming in his throat when he looked at the back of Remus's head again. He walked towards him and stopped just short of his back, feeling his warmth touch his own body. "I believed to be the wrong person to be there for you in this situation," he said softly and it made Remus huff and jerk his head uncharacteristically. "I was wrong," continued Severus and reached out to take Remus's hand into gentle fingers to make him turn around. Remus turned but only reluctantly and his hands were limp in Severus's, but his eyes were not red, he had not cried, yet his hair had turned so much greyer in the mere week that they had been apart, and Severus knew that his grief was trapped inside him. "I know you are disappointed."
Remus shook his head and his brow creased. "I … everyone is treating me like a raw egg, but actually no one wants to talk about him," he said, his voice firm and irritated. "You neither, you are happy that he's dead."
Severus averted his eyes and glowered at the floor. "That is not true," he said and Remus did not contradict him. Severus raised his eyes to Remus's and knew it must be. "I cannot pretend that I am sorry he died, but … I am sorry that his death hurts you."
The tears started pouring from the golden eyes before Remus even realised that his body had given in to them. Severus wiped them away but they did not stop and when Remus started sobbing uncontrollably he stepped closer and Remus embraced him, positively fell forward and collapsed against his chest. Remus gave up all pretence and buried his face in Severus's shoulder, clinging so desperately to him that Severus thought his legs would give way. Though Severus felt slightly helpless, he knew that he did not need do anything from here, his being present was entirely sufficient. He realised now that he had not come earlier because he could hardly bear Remus's sadness and his tears soaking his robes.
"It's so unfair!" sobbed Remus desperately and there was such pain in his voice that it made the lump in Severus's throat grow despite the hatred he had always felt for Black. "Why give him back to me only to take him away again? Why not give him some happy years with us? Why him? Why not me, why not release me from this wretched body?"
At those words Severus grew suddenly livid and seized Remus by his trembling arms to shake some sense into him. "Because you don't deserve death!" he snapped viciously at him, but Remus shook his head vehemently.
"Nor did he," he replied. "No one needs me but Harry needs Sirius. How much more pain does he have to endure?"
"And how much more pain would you have me suffer?" said Severus loudly, insensitively. "That boy has plenty of people who care about him, he has never known loss, he didn't even know Black properly, doesn't need him! But I, I need you!"
Remus gave him a baffled look and fell silent, no retort left on his tongue. Severus let him sink back against his chest and the werewolf rested his chin on his shoulder, resuming his sobbing. "He was my friend," he managed, his breath hitching. "We were not the same as we used to be but …"
"I know," said Severus just to quiet him, just so that broken voice would stop hurting him.
When Remus's shaking shoulders stilled the werewolf shifted his head and took a deep breath. "It hurts so much," he whispered, his voice cracking still. "I was talking to him one moment, and the next he was … gone … just like that. He left me behind."
"And I am glad he did," whispered Severus harshly. "I thought something had happened to you."
"You were relieved to hear that he had died and not me?" asked Remus quietly.
"You are not alone," said Severus, ignoring the question stubbornly. "You may not forget that. You have lost someone who never really returned to you. A loss you have already coped with. But all this time it was I who was closest to you. The world does not end with Sirius Black, your plans for the future are the only things that change."
Remus was silent for a moment before he sighed. "You do not know how to give proper solace," he said but his voice was mild and his head still on Severus's shoulder. "Maybe it would be better, if you didn't say anything at all."
"Very grateful, that Remus Lupin," growled Severus, and the werewolf's arms tightened around him.
"I witnessed his will, you know?" said Remus softly, his voice slowly returning to normal. "I was surprised that he even wanted to make one. He wasn't usually sensible," a small chuckle disrupted him and Severus feared for a moment it would turn into a sob but Remus continued in a calm voice, "I told him he had all time in the world, but … he said he wanted Harry to have everything and that he wanted to make sure he got it, instead of the evil remnants of the Black family. I was looking for it when Albus came, I haven't found it yet, I have no idea where he put it."
"You will find it," said Severus, looking around. "He probably hid it from his house-elf. What did Albus want, anyway?"
"Talk about Sirius," mumbled Remus and suddenly he sounded very guilty. "Well, I was rather upset … I fear I blamed him for Sirius's death. I … I lost control for a moment." He looked round and waved his hand towards the door beside which Severus made out the glass shards he had stepped on, the remains of a whisky bottle, and sprays of the liquid that had filled it on the walls left and right of the door. "I, um, well, I hurled the bottle at him in my rage and … luckily he made it explode before it could hit him … I was … I feel so ashamed of myself, now that I can think clearly again. It was one of those moments, you see? The wolf broke through."
Remus rubbed his neck and stared at the floor, seeming utterly disappointed with himself. Severus imagined him hurling a whisky bottle across a room at Albus Dumbledore and found it an impossible picture. Thought that it must have been possible only because Remus had been alone with Albus. But he had to admit that this was a side of Remus that he had not yet fully explored. "You weren't wrong in blaming him," said Severus to show his solidarity, "he blames himself too."
"Oh, no," said Remus shaking his head and wiping his face with his frayed sleeve, "I was angry and needed to blame someone other than myself, and well, I didn't want to hear anything about how Sirius's death could've been prevented. All I wanted was you. And you didn't come."
Severus stiffened and looked away. He had apologised, what else could he do? "I am here now, am I not?" he snarled and laid his hand into the back of Remus's neck to pull him back against his chest. Strange how he sought closeness nowadays, when only a year ago he had been timid about it. He thought about the cold prison cell Lucius was sitting in now and laid his arms round Remus's waist. "You must not expect too much."
He was relieved nonetheless when he felt Remus's smile against his neck. "I'm sorry, I thought you didn't want to be there for me when I needed you, after all, but I was wrong," said Remus softly. "I just needed you. It is nice that you don't tiptoe around me."
"You are torturing yourself," said Severus darkly, looking around the room once more and finding so many pictures of their youth scattered over the surfaces that even he became depressed. "Sometimes distancing yourself is better than plunging headfirst into memories. You can look for that blasted will tomorrow we shall not stay here any longer!"
Remus didn't protest when Severus pulled him out of the room and down the stairs, until they had reached the first floor and Remus's bedroom. "I still need to pack some things," said Remus, stopping in front of the door and Severus nodded, entering after him. "You know, Severus," added Remus when he picked up his scattered books, "I barely dare say it, but you were right. About Nymphadora I mean."
Severus stared at him, puzzled by the sudden mention of the girl and crossed his arms, expecting a joke. "Right about what?" he asked suspiciously and Remus looked up, his arms full of crumpled clothes.
"Have you already forgotten what you told me?" he asked and a weak smile played around his lips. "You said that she had a crush on me and … well, you were right." Severus ogled him, rendered absolutely speechless. Remus chuckled but he didn't seem sincerely amused. "She told me yesterday. After we had seen Harry off at King's Cross she asked me to walk her home. Well, why wouldn't I? She had just left St. Mungo's, after all. And on our way she started explaining things to me that made no sense, I asked her to be more precise for an old man to understand her and then she said … she said that she loved me," he paused and smiled helplessly at Severus, "I had to ask her to repeat it. I couldn't believe that you had actually beaten me at interpreting affection."
Severus knew Remus was trying to diffuse the tension but it didn't quite work. Severus was thunderstruck. She had confessed something to Remus after having known him for a year and not even shared a kiss with him, which Severus had not even now found the courage to confess to Remus after all this time and all their experiences. He became furious at her for daring it and then he grew cold for he feared that it had reminded Remus of Severus's insufficiency.
"She … she said it," said Severus, his voice not nearly as firm as he would have liked it to be, "just like that?"
Remus looked at him when he closed his suitcase. "Just like that," he affirmed with a curious smile.
Severus averted his eyes and tapped his foot on the floor. "And you said?"
"I said that I wasn't right for her," said Remus shortly. "And that isn't exactly wrong, is it? Even if it wasn't for you …"
"But it is for me," growled Severus, not even trying to hide his anger.
"Well, I couldn't tell her that, could I now?" asked Remus with a warm smile. "I'm afraid I hurt her terribly when I rejected her feelings. But surely she will forget it soon. There are many men her age who are better matches."
"No," said Severus, rolling his eyes, "no, no, I have never thought her a very clever or talented girl and I am the last to speak well of her but this time I must compliment her on her choice. She didn't choose the first pretty boy that crossed her way, she chose you for your personality."
Remus rubbed his forehead and smiled sheepishly. "Anyway, I wish her to get over me fast, for I am unreachable. I am yours."
"You told him," said Severus softly, "that you are, didn't you?"
Remus sat down on the bed and heaved a melancholy sigh. "Yes," he replied wearily, "I fear he reacted just like you predicted. He didn't understand. I wish he could have been happy for me, instead he died angry at me."
"You have grown older and wiser, Remus," said Severus quietly. "He hasn't, he didn't have the chance to."
"It … it is kind of you to say that," said Remus and picked up his suitcase. "Thank you."
Severus gave him a flustered glance and shrugged. Letting Remus pass him and following him out and downstairs. They crept to the front door and Remus looked over his shoulder before he opened the door to step out and wait for Severus to join him and pull the door shut. "I can assist you in Apparating," suggested Severus as he noticed Remus's frown, "we wouldn't want this old werewolf to fall and break something after all."
Remus chuckled and took his arm for support when they turned on the spot and pressed through time and space to Remus's house. Severus's feet hit the mossy ground rather hard and though he felt that Remus had come along alright the werewolf bumped into him, dropping his suitcase and making them both topple over and fall to the soft ground. The breath was knocked out of Severus's lungs as Remus's weight came down on his chest and the werewolf rolled quickly off him, unable to stifle his laugh.
"Oh, I'm so sorry, I was slightly overenthusiastic, I should probably have left it to you instead of Apparating too," he said, amusement clear in his voice and Severus couldn't be cross with him now, for he was too relieved that the werewolf showed signs of happiness.
"Remus, Destination, Determination, Deliberation, it's all very simple," he mocked as he got to his feet and pulled Remus to his legs as well. Remus couldn't stop laughing all the way to his house and it was like honey to the ears.
"What would I do without you?" asked the werewolf as they were ascending the stairs to the first floor. "I don't even remember how it is to be lonely. I'm home, Dad," he added as they passed the small office to their right and he waved at the photos of his parents. Severus thought Remus remembered exactly how it was to be lonely. He found himself nodding at the pictures and thought himself a fool as soon as he had done it. Watching Remus unpacking, he sat down on the windowsill, folding his hands. When Remus turned towards him, he smiled sweetly – this was a properly sweet smile! – and came closer to kiss him gently, sitting down next to him.
"Maybe next term I will see you more often?" he asked quietly and his face turned sad again.
"Definitely," said Severus. "I doubt that Albus will allow another intruder in the castle." He looked at Remus and took a lock of entirely white hair between his fingers.
"It turned like that quite rapidly," said Remus quietly. "I suppose it was the shock. Strange … I never knew my father to turn grey."
He smiled silently and leant against Severus in that affectionate way that Severus loved. And he felt superior to Lucius, right now. He felt happy, right now. And then he didn't. "I should have tied him up after all, I shouldn't have let him come with us …" mumbled Remus, his eyes unfocused.
"Then you would have been one short," said Severus. "And you would have been injured."
"I was just fine, thank you very much," said Remus in mock haughtiness. "Though Avery gave me quite a hard blow from behind, the coward … and Dolohov did almost cut my head off. But that's nothing new, he's just so violent."
"Stay away from him, will you!" snapped Severus irritably, knowing that the gentle werewolf was no match for Dolohov who wasn't only a faithful Death Eater but also a ruthless, murderous monster.
"I had no choice at that moment," replied Remus with a shrug. "He got in my way … but for a rusty old teacher I did quite a good job, and I gave Lucius Malfoy a thorough thrashing!" he added with a smug smirk. Severus mirrored his smirk and Remus chuckled that chuckle that sent Severus shivering. "Ah, no, the poor devil … I always have to think of his wife and son. But I couldn't have him hurt Harry and Neville. I had come to protect them, after all."
"Don't worry about him, he is better off in Azkaban right now, the Dark Lord would only let out his anger on him," replied Severus and cleared his throat when Remus nodded. "Your plans for the future … have they changed?"
"No, not concerning us …" said Remus quietly. "My cellar is still reserved for your lab."
"Reassuring …"
"There should never have been a doubt about it, and I hope there is none now," said Remus with a vague smile.
"No, I have no time for doubts."
Remus clasped his hands and looked at the dusty floor, drawing circles on it with his foot. "I feel so empty," he said and his face turned sad again.
"More room for me," said Severus and really meant it. Felt inappropriately pleased by it. Remus gave him a grave look which dissolved into a reluctant smile in mere seconds.
"You really are dismal at comforting people," he said and tried stubbornly to suppress his smile.
"I am doing my best," replied Severus seriously, making Remus chuckle. Severus wondered if Remus even knew that he was not indifferent to his bereavement. He wondered if Remus even had the slightest idea how much Severus suffered with him. Severus had not even imagined that he would suffer at all. And now the lump in his throat just wouldn't go away, indeed, he felt reminded of the life he had taken with his own wand less than a year ago, and who had been hurt by his death, who had cried for him like Remus now cried for Black. How Severus had cried all those years ago until no tears were left in him, until he had been able to blame Albus like Remus had blamed him. He swallowed hard and caught the renewed tears his werewolf was shedding in his palm, wiped them away and kissed the corner of Remus's mouth because he had no words to ease that pain, knew it would not cease very soon, maybe never like his own.
"I feel fortunate to have you, you know?" said Remus and his voice was already wavering. "I am glad to have you back, I mean. I couldn't have taken that pain as well."
"Your pain is mine," said Severus and kissed him again, salty tears running into his mouth, trembling fingers cupping his face as Remus sobbed silently, sinking against him. The werewolf had many tears left now and Severus was determined to see them all fall until none would come anymore, since he knew that he would have needed someone to do the same for him, that Remus would have done it for him.
In the following days Severus often felt Remus's tears drying on his own skin, the word that was most often on his tongue had become 'shh', the fabric covering his chest was constantly wet. But as the days passed, the time that was spent without crying increased and Severus managed to distract Remus, being forced to cook because Remus had not learned in fifteen years of living alone, how to nourish himself properly.
"Cooking is much like brewing, only easier," said Severus, feeling a bit like a housewife standing before the stove. But as it helped stopping Remus from crying he endured it. What one didn't endure for love. Love was indeed a foolish feeling. "Naturally you would be no good at it …" How true for them both.
And when he thought that Remus had finally shed all his tears, the werewolf found Black's will in the wardrobe of his own bedroom at Grimmauld Place and returned to his house, waking Severus who was still sleeping in the white bed, collapsing on top of him with the will clutched in his hand and the grief pouring out of his eyes as he wept into Severus's neck. It made Severus dread the day when he had to leave Remus, in death or possibly even in life. And the request he had once been too timid to make, to die together if they must, seemed real now. Because he knew that he would follow Remus, would have nothing in life anymore that would keep him, would be too overwhelmed by the loss of the one who was his, after the loss of the one who hadn't been his, that he could not think of living on when Remus didn't. Remus, who was far more fragile than he, would, perhaps, do the same. Even though, or maybe because, he had once before outlived everyone he had held dear. For now though it was life they had to deal with, and life was not yet quite finished with them.
When to the sessions of sweet silent thought
I summon up remembrance of things past,
I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought,
And with old woes new wail my dear time's waste:
Then can I drown an eye, unused to flow,
For precious friends hid in death's dateless night,
And weep afresh love's long since cancelled woe,
And moan the expense of many a vanished sight:
Then can I grieve at grievances foregone,
And heavily from woe to woe tell o'er
The sad account of fore-bemoaned moan,
Which I new pay as if not paid before.
But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,
All losses are restor'd and sorrows end.
William Shakespeare, Sonnet 30
