Chapter twenty eight – Nameless fear

Gerard's POV

Chemo was tough, but what could you expect? A war between life and death are devastating and it broke me into a thousand pieces.

But it's working. Slowly, but steady, the cancer cells are disappearing. But he is tired, feeling the strength fade away for each day. Even though he tried to smile, keeping his hopes up, it was easy with so much support from family, friends and the hospital. Everyone was positive from the chemotherapy, but he was still going to die. They could just postpone it a few months, even years from the treatment. And I was happy, it meant more time with my loved ones.

It feels good to look at Mikey and Frank. They are really good for each other, pulling the other one up when one of them are falling. I know that Frank is still in the morning proses after the loss of his parents, and with Mikey still having a hard time with his PTSD, I knew we were all kind of fucked up. But who cares? I know I don't.

Ray was still a pixel in the picture, and I had grown to really like him. Almost fallen in love. And it felt fucking amazing. Ray is a kind person, and I had nicknamed him my bear.

He worked as a music teacher at the local school, leaving him with weird working hours. Usually involving around 9 am till 16 pm, but sometimes he had to work at home with everything form planning the class till putting grades on papers. He was a hardworking guy, which would high five his student if they improved themselves and one time he bought ice cream for the hole class because they nailed "rock around the clock".

He would come and eat lunch with me almost every day, making me feel loved by something different than brother and friend love. His hugs and kisses had me giggle and blush all so often, and I used to steal five and six kisses before he left. I was falling and falling hard. Fuck...

The hospital had gotten me a therapist to talk to, since I was going to die. I told them I didn't need one, since I had such good support from home, but they insisted, and suddenly I found myself sitting face to face with a blond, blue-eyed women called Dr. Moore, or Stephanie as I was tolled to call her. She was really nice, but I have never felt comfortable with opening up to strangers. But I couldn't be more wrong.

Her eyes never left mine, and they were almost swallowing me whole, hypnotizing me. My mouth fell open like a fish out of water, just staring at her. My body frozen and my mind just slowly going to a halt. It was almost like my soul and heart had seen the red light and decided that this was a good time to shut down. Really not cool.

But as on que she opened her mouth and asked me a simple question.

"What do you feel about dying, Gerard?" Her eyes never leaving mine, and her voice as steady as a stranded whale.

What did I think about dying?

"Fucking terrible, just so fucking unfair." I felt myself crack just a tiny bit, but I never let my breathing go out of control, so I stayed strong.

"And you are entitled to feel that, it is unfair. Nobody deserves it, but you know what? Everything that happens has got a purpose, you just" I cut her off, not looking at her, but speaking my mind.

"I just what? I just need to accept it? That I'll be dead, and nobody knows how long I have left or how I will die." Taking a deep breath, I raised my head to meet her gaze, she was still way to calm and looking straight at me, looking my eyes in a death grip and refusing to let me slip away just yet.

"I often wonder if I have done something terribly bad to deserve this. Did I do something to make Mikey's life a living hell with kidnapping and our so-called parents dumping us at the orphanage? And now I'm dying from cancer. It's like a fucking soap opera!" I laughed out loud, but stopping before she could admit me to the psych ward.

After my oh so uplifting hour with the "hypnotists", I was waiting for Ray to pick me up. I wasn't allowed to drive a car, because of a little incident a few weeks ago. Just a small seizure, not a big one, but enough to freak out everyone that was around to witness it.

So, I was currently walking around the parking lot, looking at the cars, noticing the different colors, shapes and tires. Yes, I like tires, different sizes and patterns. I've got cancer, I'm allowed to be weird. I started to get a bit cold in the chilled october air. It felt like snow was on its way. Closing my eyes and lifting my chin, I felt my head throbbing away giving me the feeling that Thor with his hammer is banging inside it. Letting out a sigh, I find a curb and sit down on the edge, having a long enough coat that I can slip it underneath my butt to sit on. The last thing I want is now cystitis from the cold ground. I grab my knees and snuggle into them, letting my chin rest on them.

"Hey, what are you doing down there! Get in the car, now!" I looked up, seeing a concerned and almost angry Ray sitting in his car. He had pulled down the window on the passenger door, having a fancy car with automatic windows. I got up, and shook my arms and legs to life. I tried not to show how cold I was when I dumped down in the seat, but Ray was a fucking mind reader, sending his concerned glances piercing through me.

"Why weren't you waiting for me inside the hospital?" He reached to turn up the heating.

"I don't like the smell and I spend more time there than anyway. I'm so sick and tired of that place." I huffed, sounding like a kid.

"So you would rather get pneumonia?" I felt like one of his students, getting a lection from a grumpy teacher.

"Yes, maybe that will kill me faster." I couldn't help it, being in therapy just got the darker out of me.

Silence filled the car, and I heard a sniffle. A chill crept down my spine, and I felt bad. Bad for letting my mood over on Ray, he didn't deserve that. I let my hand travel over to his thigh, squeezing and let my eyes find his.

"I'm so sorry, Ray. I didn't mean that. Of course I don't want to get sick and die. I'm so sorry…" Tears threatened to spill over my eyes, as I refused to blink. Ray parked the car, before he grabbed both my hands and held me tight.

"Never ever say such things again, please? I just can't stand the thought of losing you, it's way to soon. I haven't even got to know you in every way. And there are so many things I would like to share with you. I have even booked a double bed at a retirement home!"

Smiling, I locked gaze with him and leaned forward to peek his cheek.

"Why are you making me fall so fast for you?" He smirked and kissed me on my lips.

"It's just because of my Toro-charm, it's in the family."

"Oh fuck, our kids are going to be so cute." Snuggling in Ray's neck, I kissed along his collarbone making him struggling to hold back a moan.

A few minutes of kissing after, we suddenly heard high music blasting from a house.

"What the…" I looked up, and to my house.

"Is that?" Ray only nodded with big eyes almost popping out of his scull.

"Shawn Michael's music?"

With ease, we let ourselves into the house, holding our ears and trying to find the source for this noise. It didn't take us long to see.

"What the hell?" I looked over at Ray who couldn't stay up from the way he was laughing out loud. Holding onto his stomach at a crocked position.

Frank and Mikey was dancing and showing out to the blasting sound of "Sexy Boy".

I think I'm cute.

I know I'm sexy.

I've got the looks,

That drives the girls wild

I've got the moves, that really move 'em.

I send chills up.

Up and down their spines.

Their hips shaking, and flexing their muscles, both of them looking like a pair of idiots.

"Goof balls..." I was shaking my head with a smirk forming on my lips. They were way too cute.

I'm just a sexy boy,

Sexy boy

I'm not your boy toy,

Boy toy

I'm just a sexy boy,

Sexy boy

I'm not your boy toy,

Boy toy

I almost ran over to the CD player, franticly trying to hit the stop button. When I finally did, two heads snapped my way.

"No fair! We were listening to that!" Mikey pouted.

"Listening? More like creating an earthquake with your bad "dance moves". Ray was still laughing, and sat down on the couch.

A piercing sound made it's way to my ears. Fire alarm?

"Fuck! The pizza!" Frank mad a run for it, but it was way to late. It looked almost like a black hole, making it hard to visualize what kind of toppings that was on it. Frank held it in his hands, almost crying over the state it was in.

"My masterpiece, my precious… It was the best pizza I had ever made." Mikey quickly came to the rescue, wrapping his arms around him and talking softly in his ear.

"Shh, it's ok Frankie. We can just order one."

And that we did, and we all assured Frank that his pizza was probably way better than the one we were currently eating. Frank was all smiles and totally agreed.