If you check my profile you already know this but my Macbook crashed. Luckily, all of the chapters I've written so far were backed up; unluckily a couple of my final edits before posting were lost. Apple also had my Mac for a few days fixing it aka more delays. That said, I have my Mac back now and can finally update. That said, I'm almost just a little bit nervous about finally posting this chapter. These next few have been a long time coming and I'm so so so excited for you guys to finally get to read them.

Just a reminder, I published this fanfic before we learned anything about Dan's book. Like that Nate and Eric were combined into one character and obviously the names I used are all over the place since we didn't know them yet other than a couple. I've listed the names I used below for clarity's sake. Another important note. If it's in the book or discussing a book character, I'll be using the book names. If it's something Chuck is remembering I'll be using the real names.

Alias list for reference:
Dylan Hunter – Dan Humphrey
Bianca Windsor – Blair Waldorf
Clark Banks – Chuck Bass
Sabrina von Nesson – Serena Van Der Woodsen
Nick Albright – Nate Archibald
Evan von Nesson – Eric Van Der Woodsen
Siobhan "Shiv" Alistor – Stephanie "Steph" Astor (Dan's Wife)
Genevieve "Gen" Cummings – Gwenivere "Gwen" Chancelor
Daniela - Dorota
Lex Genoa – Louis Grimaldi
Alina Albright – Anne Archibald
Lydia von Nesson Hunter – Lily Van der Woodsen Humphrey
Jacqueline "Jacq" Hunter – Jenny Humphrey
Violet Adams – Vanessa Abrams
Bitch Buzz – Gossip Girl
James Banks – Jack Bass
Baron Banks – Bart Bass
The Hotel – The Empire
Vintage - Victrola
Aiden Drayton – Austen Davenport
Isis Hayes – Isobel "Izzy" Hastings (A friend Blair meets at Duke but moves in with in California)
Kara – Kieran (Blair's sorority sister & roommate at Duke)
Lena – Lexa (Blair's sorority sister at Duke)
Garret and Layla Thompson – Greyson and Layne Thorne (The couple Chuck and Blair spent time with in the Hamptons)

Shockingly no actual songs are in this chapter but I listened to several on repeat as I wrote it.
Paris - The Chainsmokers
When You Sleep - Mary Lambert
All of Me - John Legend
Young God - Halsey
Foolish Games - Jewel
Say Something - A Great Big World

One last important note: IF you recognize a scene I almost certainly used it as a flashback earlier in the fanfic – there's one of those in this chapter – if you want to skim or skip those feel free I don't blame you. I made the decision it was better to weave them in for Chuck's reaction than assume you all remember them (especially considering how long it's been since some of them were last seen). Later in the book chapters I do have some of these scenes from other viewpoints so I'll try to warn you when that's the case.

To everyone reading and reviewing. Love you all and hope these chapters are worth the wait. I know some of you have been waiting to hear Blair's side of how things went down for a while now. Hope it doesn't disappoint.

To my beta kosoul7, seriously you've gone above and beyond on all of these book chapters and I'm sooooo grateful for your help.

LASTLY – there's a VERY M rated scene about 2/3's of the way through this chapter. Consider yourself warned.


Chapter 28
Taking a Bite of Eden's Apple

Flashes of light decorated the plane cabin like those from a disco ball as the 18K diamond reflected light from the window while its owner tilted it just a little to the right, a little to the left, noting its perfection of place as it rested on her slender finger. The brilliant glow shielded from any onlooker the worry pulling at the corner of her eyes, a worry she didn't know how to broach.

"Love, you're going to blind one of the flight attendants." Clark spoke, placing a hand on his fiancé's shoulder as he approached from behind. He was lying, he'd just wanted an excuse to touch her. He'd barely been able to stop the entire time they were in Tuscany. He was already dreading their return to the real world where it wouldn't be acceptable to constantly have his hands all over her.

Crinkling her nose, Bianca tilted her head back to look up at him, a smirk on her face even as her love for him twinkled in her eyes. "You and I both know you sent the attendants out ages ago so we could make use of that bed."

Leaning down he laid his lips on hers from above. Kissing her softly before moving his kiss to her jaw and to her neck. "True. Something I wouldn't mind doing once more."

"Clark!" She laughed as he began slipping her dress off her shoulder. "Wait, I wanted…"

He heard the change in her tone before he'd pulled away far enough to see the seriousness of her face. Before she could continue, he slid down into the seat next to her. "Anything. Anything you want is yours." His voice tender as his hand came up to rest on the side of her face.

Tilting her head to rest in his hand, Bianca closed her eyes for just a moment, allowing his touch to comfort her to center the wildness she was feeling. Before opening her eyes, she exhaled and spoke. "We have to go back to the real world today. These are our last few moments in our perfect bubble."

Reaching for her other hand, Clark brought it to his lips. It was always like that with them, their thoughts in the same place. He waited until her eyes opened to meet his to speak. "Nothing material will change, I swear that to you."

"What if I want it to?" Bianca asked, her words almost a whisper.

Clark's eyebrows shot upwards in surprise, but she cut him off before he could speak.

"The reasons this didn't work before are still there. Just because we love one another and we're finally fully committed to making it work, doesn't mean our issues have magically gone away." She spoke quickly, knowing she needed to make him understand before he started to panic. "The last few weeks, our Italian bubble has been perfect, but you know I can't just go home and become the Soon-To-Be-Mrs. Clark Banks. I still want to be a powerful woman in my own right."

Brows pulling together, Clark found himself scooting closer to her on the seat. He could see that it wasn't that she didn't think he had changed, didn't think that he wasn't secure enough in their relationship to know he wouldn't lose her, this was about who they were together. "And you will be."

"Clark, I can't be seen as weak, I won't. Especially with how things turned out with Lex and how public everything was leading up to that." She continued, feeling his presence trying to calm her; yet feeling her own heart rate pick up. The words that seemed to pull from her felt frantic and a little misplaced. "I have to be able to be my own person."

He could feel her pulse racing as he leaned forwards even further. "I know that. I would never expect you to play the wife. You know that's not me." Before she could speak again, he traced her pulse point with his finger. "Your heart is racing. What are you afraid to say to me?"

"It's not that I'm afraid to say it…" She started, meeting his gaze head on so he could see that it wasn't saying it she was scared of. It was a deep seeded fear that no matter what they said, it would happen. "I won't be second to the company again."

"Bianca…" Clark started, a darkness pulling at him. She had to know that he wouldn't do that to her again; he thought they'd moved beyond that.

"Wait, you know I've forgiven you. For all of it, even the incident last year with James and the Hotel." She continued, the words tight in her throat, hands almost shaking. Her eyes locked onto his, so he understood how serious she was. She'd completely forgiven all of it, but if they were going to make this work, she had to make him realize how real this fear was for her. Finally, she repeated the words she needed him to hear, the ones she needed to make sure he processed. "But you have to understand that I can't handle being second to the company again. I won't."

"You never will be." Clark spoke intensely, his earnestness obvious in not just his words, but his eyes and the way he clutched her hand. She was the most important thing in his life, he'd just gotten her back, he wouldn't let the company come between them. Not again.

Bianca exhaled shakily before leaning into him and letting her heartbeat match to his. She could still feel the fear lingering in places she didn't want to acknowledge but she trusted him. They were different people now, different than they had been before; they were being open and honest in ways they hadn't been. This time, things would be different.

Chuck frowned. He remembered that conversation so clearly and yet…it felt different reading it. He remembered sitting on the plane, discussing what things would be like in the real world; how things would be different but reading it, there was a new element - one he'd either missed or erased from his brain. Her fear was almost palpable. Hell, his own heart was racing.

He was around 280 pages into the book, barely a dent it seemed; but up until this point there had been "relatively" few surprises. He didn't fail to notice that the start of the book coincided almost exactly with the start of their romantic relationship; any other moments told in flashback through the lens of Bianca's memories.

Most of what he'd read so far, he'd already known; the later years of high school, their love story and hers with Nate. Her complicated relationship with her family, her subjects, and of course Serena. Her year at NYU, the hotel incident and his failed overture at the Empire State Building. How she dealt with his disappearance and their struggles through the year she was at Columbia, their push and pull on each other. It had been harder than expected to read about the end of that year, how he'd fought against her relationship with Louis, how completely out of control he'd been the night of their engagement, and his stupidity in letting her go. So yes, he knew because he was there.

But still, it had been interesting to read it from her perspective; the lies, backstabbing, sex, manipulation, revenge and everything in between. Even the way Bianca described the simple act of a Nair-tini made it seem like an ancient art form. Yes, the filter with which she seemed to coat things was fascinating, Dan really had done excellent work getting inside her head. Yet he knew her well enough to see that the way Bianca portrayed herself was a house of lies that even she seemed to believe.

There were other things Dan had clearly fictionalized. Chief amongst them a romantic relationship with Blair. Though at least through Bianca's eyes it was clear that was one-sided. Dan had admitted as much in his notes as well. Other things, it was clear Dan had light details on and had filled in the rest; he of course didn't know that Blair had been pregnant when she left Lex and their trip to Tuscany was mostly improvised. Chuck HAD been surprised to see a fairly accurate retelling of the day he taught her to drive. Of course, Dan was missing the most important part, Blair asking him to marry her then instead of waiting. A smile slid onto his lips as he turned back a few pages, intending to read what Dan had written about that drive again but before he could his own memories of the moment took over.

"I thought for sure you would have a town car waiting for us when we got here." Blair said with a laugh as she twisted her hair up into a ponytail, while the wind whipped around them as they drove over another hill through the Tuscan countryside in a bright red BMW convertible, with Chuck behind the wheel.

Chuck couldn't help but smile at the look on her face. This was the closest to carefree that he'd ever seen her. She looked blissfully happy and that filled him with a warmth so unbelievably powerful that he could almost cry. She was marrying him, his ring was on her finger, glistening in the sunlight, they were finally together again, this was real, she was his and she was happy. He'd never known that love could feel quite like this – as though he could survive off her smile alone. "Would you have preferred the town car?" Chuck asked a smirk settling on his face.

Blair's head immediately snapped towards him. "Are you kidding? Of course not! This is amazing." She called out rolling her head back against the seat rest and enjoying the view.

Chuck smiled again, yes, he could spend the rest of his life making her smile like that – no, he would spend the rest of his life making her smile like that. "I thought so."

Tilting her head to the side once more, Blair met his gaze, barely believing how content she felt in that moment. Her life had been in chaos for as long as she could remember, but this past year had been a new low for her. Over the years she'd lost herself bit by bit, some to her mother, some to her father, some to Nate, some to Serena, and some even to Chuck – but right there in that moment she felt whole again. For the first time in a really long time she felt normal, no better than normal, she felt like life was exceptional. "I will say though, I was shocked that you could actually drive this thing."

At that, Chuck had to laugh. "It's one of only a few things you don't know about me."

Blair couldn't help but scoff – she knew Chuck as well as she knew herself. The fact there was one thing that she didn't know was surprising; that there could be more was almost hysterical. "There's more? Oh do tell."

Chuck shook his head, his tone unfamiliar even to himself. He felt so incredibly lighthearted. "Maybe I don't want to tell you everything all at once. Maybe I want to be mysterious."

Tilting her sunglasses down Blair looked at him over the rims. "Hey, I'm marrying you – I deserve to know everything if I'm going to be your wife."

"So, no more mysteries then?" Chuck asked, reaching over and taking her hand in his. The feeling that rushed through him, hearing her say those words…your wife, made everything inside him explode with sensations he never knew he'd feel.

The second his hand touched hers, Blair felt her heart beat quicken. It amazed her how even now he had that effect on her. "At least tell me how you learned to drive."

Chuck smiled to himself. They had the rest of their lives to learn all the little secrets they had left between them and there was nothing that could make him happier than that. But this, he didn't mind telling her now. "Jack taught me. When he was in college, he used to stay with us during his breaks. I was thirteen I think the first time he took me driving. That was back when he was more like my brother than my uncle."

Blair lifted her eyebrows. "So, Jack Bass, taught you how to drive? I knew he taught you some…other things but driving was not one that I had pictured."

Laughing Chuck ran his thumb up and down her hand, loving the shivers he could tell he was giving her. It was good that they could talk about Jack now so comfortably, so much had happened since then that it felt like so long ago. They were practically new people. "Yeah, he also took me to get my license, and then for my 16th birthday he took me to a race track and really showed me how to let go, it's great for clearing your head."

Blair couldn't help but be impressed. Almost no one they knew drove – they were from Manhattan after all. "Did you know I don't even have my license?"

"Really?" He asked, trying to mask his surprise. Blair was technically the oldest of their friends, she had to be first to do everything – getting her license hadn't been any different. He thought she'd gotten it as soon as she could just like the rest of them, not that most of their friends ever drove but it was just one of those things you did. Hell, he was pretty sure he even remembered the day she went to the DMV – she'd made a huge deal about that stupid red headband that she was sure Serena had taken when she took off. "Why not? I thought you went right when you turned 16, you were all worked up because you couldn't find your headband."

Blair nodded, a smile on her lips that he even remembered the very day she'd gone. "A secret for a secret, right?"

Chuck looked at her curiously but nodded. Now he had to know what she was going to say. He was almost tempted to pull over so he could really look at her for this. He had a feeling it was going to be good.

"I failed the driving part of the test." Blair said almost laughing as she said it. The idea of her failing anything was absurd. She'd been mortified of course and sworn at the time that she hated driving and she didn't need a license anyway.

The car halted as Chuck stepped on the break and looked over at her. "You're kidding." He stared at her for a long moment looking carefully for each of her tells. "You're really not joking, are you?"

"Nope." Blair spoke, a smile lighting her eyes. "I've never told anyone that. Only Dorota knows, of course that's only because she was there."

An awed smile slipped onto his face. Only Blair would be able to keep something like that secret. "How did you…how did none of us ever notice?"

Blair scoffed. "You say that like we drive or ever use our real ID's anywhere other than the airport."

"Touché." Chuck conceded with a smirk. His smirk broadened as an idea struck him, looking over at her he gave her a half smile and pulled the car to the side of the road. "Come on, switch with me and I'll teach you."

"Chuck…no. I'm good over here." Blair said with a quick shake of her head. But that didn't stop Chuck from walking around the car and opening the door.

Chuck angled himself toward her, practically leaning over her. He placed one hand on her door, one on the side of the car. "It's all clear roads for at least the next couple of hours. We've only seen a few other cars all day. There's absolutely no reason not to…unless you're scared in which case it's…"

A determined look rose to Blair's face as she lifted herself over the console, not even allowing Chuck to finish. "I'm not scared." She spoke as he shot her a triumphant smile.

After fiddling for a moment and careful instructions from Chuck, Blair was moving onto the road, if somewhat jerkily. She could hear her heart pounding and the slightest shake in her hand but having Chuck beside her actually made everything feel okay.

Chuck nodded as he instructed her. "You've got this. Just direct your gaze further out, instead of right in front of the car. That's it. Okay now through the turns, ease your speed into the turn and accelerate halfway through. Good, good. That's it." He could sense that she was starting to get the feel for the road and felt a rush of pride.

"Okay, I think I've got the hang of this." Blair said, trying to keep the nerves from her voice as she drove on down the road.

"Blair, you're driving 30mph."Chuck spoke flatly as he glanced at her. She shot him a look that said 'don't start with me,' but he returned the challenge with raised eyebrows. Blair turned back to the road, jaw set determinedly as she allowed her foot to press down on the gas. "Open her up." Chuck instructed softly as he placed a careful hand on her thigh.

Blair barely registered Chuck's hand; she was so concentrated on the road. But still it instilled a sense of safety Chuck was with her, he was never going to let anything happen to her. Her heartbeat sped dramatically as the car began accelerating as she let her foot press down on the pedal. She couldn't believe the rush that filled her; it was like nothing she'd ever experienced. "Oh my God this is amazing!" She exclaimed as she finally relaxed into the seat.

"Told you." Chuck said with a smirk, slowly rubbing his thumb on her inner thigh.

Blair found herself pressing her foot down a little harder on the gas as she shook her head back and forth sending her ponytail flying about, laughing in a moment of absolute happiness.

Chuck just smiled at Blair. It was so rare for her to let anyone see this side of her. He knew he saw it more than most, the side of her that just completely let go, let herself be free. The reckless abandonment was beautiful to witness. As he watched he even saw a certain innocence emerge; what he wasn't ready for was the sudden surge of protectiveness he felt for that part of her.

"So, this is why you drive?" Blair asked finally coming back to the real world. She even began to slow down a little.

Chuck nodded. "Driving clears my head; it helps me remember what's important or in some cases helps me forget."

After a few more moments Blair furrowed her eyebrows before glancing at Chuck. "Any clue where we are?"

Chuck laughed, neither of them had looked at a map or the GPS in at least an hour, she'd been focused on the road and he hadn't been able to take his eyes off her. "No clue."

Blair couldn't help the laughter that peeled from her in waves, pulling to the side of the road she smiled brightly. "Okay you drive, I'll navigate."

Once they were back on track Chuck looked over at Blair and couldn't help but smile. She'd taken her hair back down and her head was leaned back against the seat as she looked at the scenery around them. Her hand was resting in his and she was almost so still he thought she was asleep. "This is how it should have been the first time, three years ago." He spoke sad at the thought of how long he'd spent pushing her away.

Blair flipped her head to the other side to face him and smiled. "No, it's not."

Chuck's eyes widened, was she placating him? "Just think how perfect everything would have been. How happy we would be. All of that time that we've wasted."

"Chuck," Blair started, smiling almost gently. "Three years ago, we were a couple of hot messes who had no clue what we were doing. We were children, you'd never had a relationship at all and I'd never been with anyone other than Nate; who let's face it at that point was little more than a childhood crush. We aren't those same people today and thank God for that."

Before Chuck could say more she leaned in. "I mean honestly, do you think we would have made things work? Do you think we would have even survived that summer? We weren't ready." Her smile broadened as she continued; filling with a fresh wave of warmth and emotion. "And if you had gotten on that plane with me, we might not have this, we might never have really fallen in love, had our hearts broken, and helped fix each other. I might not know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And I wouldn't trade that for anything."

All Chuck could do for a long moment was gape as he stared at her. Blair was the type of girl who was constantly in control and as such usually when she said something she was certain about it. But as calm and in control as she always was he'd only seen Blair this certain a few times. Usually he remembered her having this kind of certainty about her plan with Nate; he realized now that certainty came from a place that she'd never had to question before he'd come along. But sometimes he'd see it on her face when she talked about them and that meant so much more. It meant more because it wasn't something that had been laid out for her, it wasn't something that she'd never had to question; she hadn't planned what they had become and with them there had always been questions. So, certainty from her about them was big and certainty from her now about their future just days after she'd agreed to marry him was huge.

He could feel the hot sting of tears burning his eyes and all he wanted to do was kiss her. Somehow, she managed to turn one of their lowest points into something he didn't hate remembering. She was right, if they'd gotten together then, who knew where they'd be now. Just as he was about to speak, they crested a hill and seemingly out of nowhere they pulled up alongside what had to be the most beautiful vineyards he'd ever seen and it wasn't exactly like he wasn't well traveled. "Whoa."

Blair's eyes widened as she took in the edge of the vineyard, she could see a grand gate rising up ahead, slower now that Chuck had slowed the car to take in the view. Blair looked down at the directions for arriving at the chateau, she wanted to be sure that they hadn't taken a wrong turn because this didn't look like how she imagined the next step looking at all. When she read the words, she couldn't help but laugh. "We're supposed to drive up along the 'white picket fence'."

Chuck looked at Blair, then over at the fence which was much more of a grandiose gate lining the edge of the vineyard. "They call THAT a white picket fence?"

Blair smirked. "Yeah, I almost feel like they've insulted the fence."

Chuck turned his head towards Blair, tilting his head slightly as he observed her. He had heard the slightest ounce of derision in her voice. "Got something against white picket fences, Waldorf?"

Blair shrugged, her lips turning up in what was almost a smirk as they drove along the side of the never-ending fence. "I mean, don't you? Think of everything they represent. It's everything we hate. The suburbs, monotony, a boring little life, with boring children, a boring house, and a boring marriage filled with boring missionary sex."

A low chuckle rippled through him as he shook his head. "Ready for another secret?" He couldn't believe he was about to say this. Maybe it was her openness with him earlier, or maybe he was just tired of keeping anything from her.

Blair's eyes flashed with interest as she rotated her body to face him. Their game had stopped abruptly earlier with her driving revelation and she knew whatever this one was, it was serious; she could see it in his eyes.

"I used to hate white picket fences too." Chuck spoke, diving straight in. As he did he slowed the car and pulled to the side of the road. "I remember a time with you that I actually despised them because they were the symbol of everything that I never wanted us to be."

"We could never be boring." Blair echoed with a nod of understanding. She knew exactly the moment he was referencing.

Chuck grinned to himself, reaching up and tracing the side of her jaw with the back of his hand, before slipping his hand onto her shoulder and into her hair. "But over the last year I've found myself picturing it. A house maybe not in the suburbs, just somewhere not in the city, maybe in the Hamptons, maybe it's our vacation home." He added with a small smirk. "Or maybe it is in the suburbs, I hear Westchester is nice."

Blair couldn't begin to temper her facial expression, she was too taken aback and she knew right now hers was likely a cross between a smirk and utter disbelief. But she didn't even consider interrupting; she probably wouldn't have even had words.

Chuck continued onward, the words he was saying dancing through his head like the images he'd conjured so many times. He'd seen them form in his mind, becoming more vivid every passing day from the time she'd rejected his first proposal, through the hate sex and their journey to become powerful, and stronger even as he'd watched her get engaged to another man. And now, recalling them was as easy as breathing. "And you're this high-powered attorney while I've struck out on my own, out from under the umbrella of Bass Industries. You don't wash dishes or walk around in a dress, pearls, heels, and an apron – unless of course we're playing dress up, which we still do all the time. But maybe, maybe we sometimes cook just because it's something new and fun to do together."

Shaking his head, he continued, silently praying that this wasn't too much – especially what he was about to say next. "And there are these kids running around and they have your hair and my eyes and I already know that I'm going to have to beat the boys off our daughter with a stick when she's a teenager and he's going to be even more trouble than I was. They're spoiled of course, because they're ours, but they're loved. There's even a dog running around in the yard, a mangy little thing because at some point we picked up a stray."

As he finished talking he took a deep breath and smiled at her, noticing that her warm brown eyes were shinning; he could see in those eyes just how much she loved him so he nodded and continued. "So now, I picture the white picket fence. I picture the white picket fence with you. We're never going to be boring, but with you I think maybe I could like the normal thing, with you I could picture us being the type of people that have a perfect life.

Blair swallowed and shook her head. She thought after hearing all of those things she'd feel overwhelmed or something. That was a huge revelation; they hadn't ever even talked about kids before now, not seriously anyway. But she wasn't overwhelmed at all. All she felt was the same love, strength, stability and warmth she'd been feeling all day. And her next words flew straight from her heart past her lips. "I never thought I could be more in love with you than I already was; but hearing you say those things, makes me want them too. I want it all Chuck, I want it all with you. White picket fence or Upper East Side brownstone – all I want is to spend my life with you."

At that a tear did slip from Chuck's eye and he shook his head. That certainty from earlier was back, but now it was shining even stronger than before. She meant it, she really wanted this, the whole thing. "You'll never know how good it feels to hear you say that. All I want, all I need is you – for the rest of forever. And I honestly cannot wait."

Blair could feel tears of her own pooling in her eyes as she reached out and placed a hand on the side of Chuck's face. "Who says we have to?"

Chuck swallowed tightly as he came back to himself, his eyes scanning the words Dan had written there with Chuck proposing to her on the side of the road. That Dan had gotten wrong, they'd gotten engaged in New York, during the blackout. Dan didn't know about that so it made sense that he'd put it there instead. He still wondered the context under which Blair had explained anything about that drive in Tuscany to Dan when so much of that trip was a bit of a blindspot in the book.

Dan also had a bit about Blair getting sick in Tuscany but Chuck was even less surprised he didn't have those particular details. Blair had been so out of it that day. His heart clenched involuntarily at how scared he'd been, so terrified that he could lose her. Blair probably didn't remember it enough to have ever told Dan, he'd never told her the things she'd said that day. Again feeling uneasy he returned back to his place in the book and yet the uneasiness lingered.

Some of those things he'd read so far were terrible. He'd forgotten just how badly he'd hurt her leading up to Tuscany. Yet, it was only now as he read the scene on their flight home from Italy that a weird sort of dread was building. Nothing prior had done more than cause a flicker of surprise or pain; but this, this felt different.

As he continued reading, his stomach began to twist into a painful knot.

He read through pages of their return.

Of the increasing rate of her nightmares and anxieties.

Of her arguing with her mother on the phone about leaving Louis; her mother practically banning her from helping at the company anymore until she'd proven she had her life together. That he did remember, she'd been practically inconsolable after that fight.

Of him locked in board meetings day in and day out that had been pushed due to their trip to Tuscany. And her sitting around waiting for him every day. Had he really been that busy? He wasn't sure. The fact that the time felt like a hazy blur wasn't to his credit. It meant he probably had been.

Of a business trip he had to go on; one with major investors. He flinched reading the words he'd said to her. "No one else is bringing their fiancé, Bianca" He knew what he'd actually said that day had been worse. He'd been in a mood and he'd taken it out on her.

"Chuck, there's an easy solution here. I'll just come to Paris with you; we can even meet my mother for lunch, start bringing her around." She spoke obstinately.

Chuck shook his head, pacing around the penthouse suite, a suite she'd moved into since returning. He didn't have time for this today. Taking as much time away as he had from the company had half the deals he'd been working on hanging on by a limb. This business trip, it was a necessity and he couldn't be distracted; if she came he would be. "Can't you just go spend the weekend with Serena in the Hamptons?"

She frowned. "Serena doesn't even know I'm back. Besides I thought we were waiting until the end of the summer to tell everyone? And you know I'm not going to be able to see her and not tell her, even if we have been arguing." She added the last part quietly almost to herself. An uncertainty creeping into her words at the dismissive tone in Chuck's voice.

Running a hand through his hair, Chuck sighed with exasperation. "No one else is bringing their wife, Blair. I can't show up with mine hanging all over me and dragging me away to lunches with parents."

"Excuse me." She spoke a hardness to her voice. "Did you just call me, Blair Waldorf, clingy?

"Blair…I didn't mean it like that." He tried to backtrack but didn't know how to say what he needed to. "It's just lately…things at the office are a mess, I have to get through the next few weeks and things will slow down. Then I'll have more time for you. I promise."

She frowned, forcing the tears back. "Fine, just go."

Chuck shook his head, that business trip really had been a necessity. But he'd made up for it when he'd gotten home. He'd brought her favorite macaroons back from Pierre Herme, peonies from the florist she favored across town, and taken her to dinner at her favorite restaurant. Continuing to read his eyes narrowed. Dan had included that too. As well as a phone call he'd received in the middle of dinner that had him rushing back to the office and a well-placed thought by Bianca that Clark always thought gifts were the way to smooth things over. His stomach twisted tighter still as he continued to read.

It was her perfume that had alerted Clark to her presence, of that she was certain. She could tell by the slightly glazed look in his eyes as his head twisted as though looking for her. She knew better than to wear Chanel if she wanted her presence to be a surprise.

"You certainly are a sight for sore eyes." Clark spoke, leaning back in his chair, a smile sliding into place.

Bianca smirked in return as she lazily strolled into his office, her wrap dress flowing around her thighs from the air condition clearly turned on high. "I don't know how you stand this office, it's freezing in here."

Slinging out his arms, his grin widened. "Ah the luxury of being a man in corporate America, the temperature is always set for the 3-piece suit."

Rolling her eyes, Bianca couldn't suppress a laugh. "Well, want to leave corporate America for an hour and join me for lunch?"

The grin slid from his face as his hands came to rest on the desk in front of him. "I want to. I can't tell you how much I want to; but things are crazy around here today. I'm still not caught up from our escape to Italia."

"Anything I can help with?" She asked coming to perch on the side of his desk. There was an almost desperate need in her to spend some time with him, even if it was just helping with his work. She'd be happy to, just to see him for longer than a few hours.

Pressing his lips together Clark shook his head. "Unfortunately, brilliant as you are, it would take even longer to explain."

Nodding, and seeing the crinkles at his eyes that meant he was stressed. Bianca quickly relented, instead reaching for the tie of her dress and giving it a sharp tug ensuring it came undone before leaning into the desk. "Some stress relief then."

Clark's eyes widened at her La Perla lingerie now on full display just before her lips crashed into his. He couldn't help but fold himself into her pulling her quickly into his lap as her arms and legs tangled with his, papers from his desk falling around them. It was the papers, the Donnelley account, that brought him to his senses.

Placing his hands on her shoulders he pulled her back as gently as he could. "Bianca, I love you, and I love this, but I have a meeting."

"You're the CEO, skip it." She whispered, immediately going back in with her lips.

"Bianca, I can't." He replied, turning his head ever so slightly to the side so she couldn't go right back for his lips.

His face turning away from her was a bucket of ice water being dumped on her head. "Clark, I've barely seen you since we've been back. I miss you. And now you're telling me you don't have time for a quickie in your office?"

"When have we ever been quick?" He asked with a smirk. But his smirk slid right off his face when he saw the look on hers. This wasn't something he could joke his way out of. "I'm sorry okay, I'll be home early tonight." He realized she wasn't quite meeting his gaze, so he reached out and cupped her chin, forcing her to meet his eyes. "I promise."

Swallowing tightly Bianca could feel the hot sting of tears behind her eyes. She hated this, this wasn't her. She'd never needed anyone in her life. Not like she needed him. "In time for us to have dinner?" She asked, knowing her voice would crack on the words.

Clark nodded quickly, ready to say anything to make the hurt currently in her eyes go away. "Yes. Order out, call Le Cirque, Sirio owes me a favor or two."

A slow smile slid back onto her face as she read the seriousness of his gaze. He never promised anything lightly, she just hated that she'd had to guilt him into it. But he was busy she knew that, he'd been away from the company with her for weeks. And he was clearly trying to make her happy. "All I want, all I need, is you." She spoke, kissing him quickly before sliding off his lap.

Clark couldn't stop the smile that spread onto his face at her words, theirs really. "I love you, you know that right?" He spoke, reaching forwards to help her retie her dress.

Leaning down she placed one last lingering kiss on his lips. "You might have to remind me later." Taking a few quick steps backs she turned and waltzed towards the door calling over her shoulder. "Love you too Banks." Though even as she said it her smile slid from her lips. That was the first time she'd seen Clark for more than a few minutes outside of the bedroom in weeks and she ached for him. Not just her body, it was like her soul needed to be near him. But based on that dismissal it didn't feel like he felt the same.

This couldn't be right. he couldn't have been spending that little time with her. He wondered for a moment if maybe Humphrey had left a note about this, that that's not how Blair actually remembered those months. There didn't seem to be anything there but maybe the post it had fallen out?

Even as he thought it he groaned. Great, he was looking for absolution from a post it note. But even that wouldn't change that as bad as this seemed already, it was worse if she felt this way as his wife. And he couldn't say she hadn't been trying to tell him. She clearly had; he'd just been too wrapped up in his shit to listen. He remembered being busy, but wouldn't he remember not seeing her at all? And he knew for a fact that they'd had some of the best sex of his life later that night; he'd had to replace the pool table afterwards.

Bianca smiled to herself. This was good. She'd had all afternoon to get ready and she'd certainly achieved that. Hair blown out, freshly waxed, perfectly manicured, and wrapped in layers of La Perla and Lhuillier, she was dressed to kill though she'd settle for simply recapturing Clark's attention for the evening.

She flinched slightly at the thought but brushed it aside. This was just a little bump in the road for them. Things would slow down at work and they'd be back on track. Her appearance tonight, that was just a little confidence boost, it wasn't very often she got turned down for sex, she thought wryly; this was just to give her a bit of her mojo back.

Walking into the kitchen she grabbed a bottle of wine to go with the seafood that had just arrived. Clark would probably swap to scotch after dinner but, scotch wouldn't pair well with the meal. Looking through the bottles she puzzled for a moment over the perfect compliment.

Clark had been right, Sirio had been only too happy to oblige a Clark Banks request and sent over the full tasting menu. It was heavily seafood based, a nice New Zealand Sauvagion Blanc should pair well, she reasoned before pulling a bottle from the wine fridge. It was just past 8:15pm, Clark should be there any minute, she'd have a glass ready and waiting when he got there.

Bianca found herself refilling her wine glass for the second time around 9:05pm, unsure if she should call someone to place the food in warmers. If she did, it wouldn't be nearly as good; but it didn't have too much longer left before it would go bad. She'd texted Clark earlier, he'd gotten caught up with the Donneley's but based on the time now, he should be there any minute.

It was around 9:38pm when she'd brought the bottle of wine to the living room and turned on Charade. Currently, she was almost two thirds of the way through and the bottle of wine was officially empty. Running a hand over her face, Bianca exhaled shakily. The last thing she wanted to do right now was cry. He hadn't responded to her last few texts, but it would be her luck that he'd walk in the door the second the waterworks started. She'd heard him a few weeks ago, and she'd heard the unspoken words a few times since. He felt like she was being clingy, tears were the last thing she needed.

But she hated this. She hated it with her entire being. She felt weak and useless, and powerless to do anything to change it. She'd been trying to give him everything he needed and yet…he didn't show up.

This isn't who she was, was it? She didn't lie around pining for a man, even her fiancé. Yet that felt like that's all she'd done since they'd returned. She pined and she played house and then he didn't even show up. No, this wasn't who she was. She was fucking Bianca Windsor.

She'd been playing the role of the perfect wife for him, gone to every single dinner party and business event he'd asked her to and charmed every one of his associates. Even at those events, they never actually spent any real time together. Sure there were shoulder kisses at the parties with whispers of how she was his secret weapon in handling the board and of course hot sex in the limo after, but she could barely remember spending a single moment with just him over the last few weeks.

And she knew that even once the society groups were back to their regular meetings, her association with Clark wouldn't be doing her any favors. She'd learned that lesson last fall. She made him more successful, but he, he made her weaker. This time was supposed to be different, she'd believed him when he said it would be different. She felt pathetic, a word she'd never used to describe herself in her life, even at her lowest. No man had ever reduced her to this before, she never would have let them. Yet even with all of that, she would do it again for him; go anywhere, be anywhere, become whatever he needed. She could swallow her pride and choke down the other emotions as long as she got to have him. Right now she wasn't even sure she had that. Squeezing her eyes tightly together to force back the tears, Bianca knew she was fighting a losing battle. Maybe in more ways than one.

Clark brushed back his jacket sleeve as he checked the time. Fuck it was past 12:30am. He'd heard his phone buzz a couple of times but after Mr. Donnelley left, he knew he was close to a breakthrough and had to give the proposal one last go before heading out. He just didn't realize that had taken hours.

Walking into the penthouse, he called her name, hoping she was still awake, that he could give his apologies. He could see the food, set up in warmers along the kitchen bar, with a single glass of white wine sitting on the dining room table. Continuing into the apartment he saw the TV on, it looked like the load screen of Charade. Walking into the living room he felt his breath catch when he saw her.

She was fully clothed, expect for a lone shoe that had dropped to the floor next to an empty bottle of wine. Her hair was straightened, a rarity for her, it hadn't been like that this afternoon, she'd probably gotten a blowout. That same hair was splayed across the head of the couch. Her face, which he assumed had been perfectly made up, had the tiniest of smudges near her eyes which were closed in sleep.

He knew a Monique Lhuillier when he saw one. If he didn't get her out of this dress, she'd be furious she'd ruined it by sleeping in it. Holding her to him, he carefully tugged down the zipper, slowly revealing a full set of La Perla lingerie. One he knew was new. His heart twisted in his chest as though trying to rip free. She'd done this for him, he knew that. And he couldn't even be bothered to let her know he was running late. He cursed himself under his breath as he draped her dress over the back of a dining room chair before returning to carry her to bed.

Kneeling, he pulled her into his arms, he couldn't help but stare for a moment at her angelic face, she was the most gorgeous thing he'd ever seen. Gaze unbreaking, he noticed again the slight smudge of her eyeliner, realizing that it might have been from tears. The realization felt like a weight slamming down on his chest. He hated the thought that he would have been the reason she cried. She was the most precious thing in the world to him, and she had his heart, his whole heart held in those perfect hands of hers. He adjusted moving her to a more secure position like the precious cargo she was, allowing her head to fall to his shoulder before carrying her.

It was as he was standing that he saw her eyes flutter open. "Hello beautiful." He spoke softly, not wanting to rouse her if it was just a reflex.

"You're home." She spoke, sleep clouding her voice as her hand came to rest on his chest. "It's a little past dinner time."

He tilted his forehead down to rest against hers, almost unable to meet her gaze. "I know. I'm so sorry." Taking a deep breath, he spoke resolutely. "It will get better, I promise."

"Clark." She started, speaking against his lips. She needed him to know that he couldn't keep saying that if he didn't mean it. Because then his promises wouldn't mean anything to her anymore. She just…needed more.

"I promise." He repeated adamantly, a furious intensity to his voice.

Nodding against him, she tilted her head upwards and brought her lips to his. She felt more than heard him exhale into her, almost in relief. Bringing her arms up, she clasped one around his neck and used the other to grasp his collar, giving herself leverage to pull deeper into him, her kisses becoming almost desperate in nature.

Surprised at her reaction, Clark quickly adjusted, using his arm around her waist to steady her against him, as he flipped the one under her legs to grasp her hip and pull her against him. Her legs immediately latched around him, hips jerking to meet his. Her hands tore wildly at the tie she'd tied that morning, freeing it and slinging it across the room. She needed this, she needed him, right now.

One hand around her waist, his other climbing her back, tangling in her hair Clark moved them towards the only surface he could find, as she continued clawing at his collar, ripping buttons off his shirt and pushing at his jacket. The moment he felt his thighs hit the pool table he sat her down on the edge, releasing her to shove off his jacket as her hands found his belt. Pulling the belt free she looked up at him, rolling her lip between her teeth she dangled the belt suggestively, one hand coming to clasp each end.

Clark cocked an eyebrow in surprise as she twisted her arm, starting the process of wrapping her own wrists with his belt. She wanted to play. He couldn't hold back the growl that rose from deep within his throat as he took her cue and grasped her wrists together above her head. Again she surprised him, with the slightest shake of her head eyes lighting as she separated her hands, tugging his along with hers, before rejoining them behind her back.

Locking her hands behind her, Bianca knew her eyes held a challenge. Her entire body was on fire, her feelings for him flames licking her skin, shooting out from every pore in her body. This…this is what she needed, this connection.

"Such a naughty girl." He spoke, his voice barely a rasp against her throat as he did as she directed, wrapping her wrists behind her, tightening the Armani belt until her shoulders pulled back behind her. Straightening back up he looked to her face, meeting her gaze to make sure she wasn't uncomfortable. What he saw there made the uncomfortable feeling in his pants become unbearable. Her eyes were lit with a fire that seemed to burn straight through to his soul. Leaning into her he grasped behind her head, directing her mouth to his, almost ravenous in the intensity of his kiss, making quick work of his zipper with his other hand.

Bianca felt him directing her back onto the pool table, mouth not breaking from hers as he reached for the small triangle of fabric between her legs. As he twisted the fabric she arched her hips making it easier for him to tear the offending piece of lingerie away.

Guiding her hips, Clark shot his eyes to hers, the smirk clear on face as he brought her knees to rest on his shoulders and dipped his head down to her core. Keeping his eyes on hers, he licked once, twice, three times teasingly before bringing his mouth all the way to her center. He could hear the gasps coming from her mouth, feel her hips tightening, as her pelvis seemed to thrust into him. He was content to do this all night, he would never get tired of the taste of her, but her gasps were quickly turning into whines.

She held out for as long as she could before a gasp tore from her so strongly that she lost her breath. "Clark…I need you inside me." When he gave one more teasing lick she practically screamed, her arms jerking against the belt wanting to reach up and yank his head to hers. "Now. Clark. Now."

"Your wish is always my command." He spoke, adjusting her hips to align with his, knowing that she was more than ready for him. His eyes connected with hers, sensing more than seeing as she bit her lip. She didn't say it but he could practically feel her pleading with him as her hips wiggled closer. Unable to deny either of them any longer he thrust deeply inside her, both of them gasping at the connection.

Her legs instantly hiked around his hips, pulling him into her as tightly as she could, forcing him towards her the only way that was within her power. She arched her back with every thrust, spine lifting from the table.

His hands reached for her, touching her where ever he could manage, her hips, her waist, grasping her breast, flicking his tongue across the other. One hand found its way into her hair, grasping tightly as his lips climbed their way up her perfect neck, nipping the flesh as they journeyed upwards towards her jaw, finally finding her mouth.

Unable to move her arms to touch him she found her fingers grasping onto the surface beneath her for purchase, nails clawing the felt of the pool table with every movement of their hips. Her toes curling as she quickly neared the edge of her control feeling the waves of pleasure crashing all over her body. "Clark…" She gasped, hearing the way her voice dragged his name.

The sound of his name on her lips was the sweetest thing he'd ever heard. He knew what she wanted, what she needed. He pulled back his hips finding resistance from her legs, clasped so tightly around him that he could feel the scrapes from her toenails as they pointed and dug into his back. Lifting his head to meet her gaze, feeling the almost visible cord connecting them tighten, he thrust into her, rocking his hips to hit the spot he knew she needed. He felt as she came undone in his arms, quickly bringing about his own release. His head dropping into the crook of her neck as her entire body seemed to shake.

Gasping for air, Bianca turned her head into his neck, finding his pulse point and biting down, allowing her teeth to scrape his skin, almost in an effort to claim. "I love you." She gasped against his skin, releasing her teeth.

Finding the strength in his arms to lift himself he met her gaze, still hovering just slightly above her body. "I love you, more than you know."

Her eyes connected with his intensely, almost searching, she could sense a deep desperation in him for her to know that and though she swore she did, the tiniest part of her wondered if he knew just how much she felt for him; how completely incapable she was at dealing with the strength of those feelings.

After several moments, that could have been seconds or could have been hours, he pulled back enough to slide out of her and set her up. Moving quickly to release her wrists from his Armani belt, he caught his first sight of the pool table and laughed, even that a low rasp.

Turning her head, Bianca found herself smirking a bit at what she'd done; her eyes glancing across the almost impossibly long and deep claw marks her nails had made in the pool table.

"Considering you were restrained I don't even know how you managed that." Clark spoke, gently rubbing her shoulders to ensure she wasn't uncomfortable with the returning blood flow.

Turning her eyes back to his Bianca smirked. "Kitty has claws." With that she leaned forwards pressing her lips to his, pulling back with his bottom lip between her teeth, tugging lightly to pull him towards her. She wasn't ready to stop, if they did, they'd go to sleep and this connection that she felt with him would ease and she'd be alone until the next time he pulled himself from his work. She couldn't let that go. Not yet because if she did, she didn't know how much longer she could hold on to everything else.

Lifting his brows, Clark stepped back out of her legs, kicking his pants and shoes the rest of the way off as he did. He shouldn't be surprised, but after the intensity of their love making he figured they'd both need longer than it appeared either of them did. Stepping next to her, he ignored her pout and tugged her back into his arms, one leg under her knees and the other behind her back. Again seeing the pout still present on her lips he smirked. "I'm just moving us to somewhere less likely to see damage from your claws."

Smirking, her eyes lit once more in a challenge, the pout immediately dropping from her face as relief filled her to her very core. "Oh you think I can't do the same damage to your sheets?"

Clark laughed darkly as he gave his head the smallest of shakes while he carried her to their bedroom. "No, I'm quite sure you can."

"That's what I thought." She whispered, feeling more alive than she'd felt since getting back from Italy and relishing every moment of their time. Arching up once more she brought her lips to his. Not caring that he was still walking and she was obstructing his view. She trusted him to ensure her safe journey to their bed and something in her needed every part of her touching every part of him, for as long as she could. It was only with him, in his arms that anything felt right.

"FUCK" He cursed aloud. His anxiety seemed to build with hers; an anxiety he'd never realized was there. Maybe that wasn't true…maybe he'd known but he couldn't believe he'd known it was this bad. That summer was busy; but he knew they'd spent time together. Still, now that he was racking his brain for any interaction they had all he could remember was the sex. Their connection, every time was so strong, it felt like more than just sex but now he couldn't even place a conversation that didn't happen either during or after intimacy.

How had he been so negligent? And yet when she left he'd been so shocked, reading this, seeing how she felt, god damn it he was such an idiot. The sinking feeling in his stomach deepened as he read back some of Dan's words, his heart clenching painfully.

He couldn't help but stare for a moment at her angelic face, she was the most gorgeous thing he'd ever seen. Gaze unbreaking, he noticed again the slight smudge of her eyeliner, realizing that it might have been from tears. The realization felt like a weight slamming down on his chest. He hated the thought that he would have been the reason she cried. She was the most precious thing in the world to him, and she had his heart, his whole heart held in those perfect hands of hers.

Blinking quickly as he read it back his brow furrowed. He remembered that, remembered thinking it and he was fairly certain he'd never told her that. If he had maybe she would have been more direct with him about her feelings, maybe something could have been repaired before everything fell apart.

It was then that his eyes lit on a post it note; one he'd missed likely due to how intensely he'd been reading the first time around. Looking at what Dan had written his heart skipped.

So, yeah these are your words. I found one of your journals in a box of
Blair's things Serena gave me. I don't know what it was doing there or if
she ever read it.

Chuck's eyes were wide. Dan had one of his journals. A journal he assumed he'd destroyed in a drunken haze after she left. He wondered for only a moment what else it meant Humphrey knew before letting loose a self-depreciating chuckle, what did it matter what was in the journal, Dan clearly knew every detail of his and Blair's personal life even without it.

Scanning back through Dan's words, he searched for any other notes and paused only a few lines later, not because of a post it but because Dan had begun to scribble something in the margins before marking through it. Chuck's only clue as to what Dan had wanted to say was that Dan had underlined one of the lines.

"It will get better, I promise."

"Clark." She started, speaking against his lips. She needed him to know that he couldn't keep saying that if he didn't mean it. Because then his promises wouldn't mean anything to her anymore. She just…needed more.

"I promise."

He could remember saying those words to her, he could remember the desperate plea in her eyes. And yet…he knew now that it hadn't gotten better, in fact, if he was placing this correctly, it had gotten worse. His stomach flipped remembering that only a few weeks ago, he had accused her of breaking all of her promises to him; screaming that her promises didn't mean anything anymore.

How had she not thrown this back in his face? How had she resisted berating him for breaking every promise he'd made to her that things would be different when they returned? That she wouldn't come second to his company, that he would be there for her? And he couldn't say he didn't know, he knew. This was proof that he knew. God he felt sick and Dan's next note to the side of a passage that had rocked him from the moment he read it, didn't help.

With that she leaned forwards pressing her lips to his, pulling back with his bottom lip between her teeth, tugging lightly to pull him towards her. She wasn't ready to stop, if they did, they'd go to sleep and this connection that she felt with him would ease and she'd be alone until the next time he pulled himself from his work. She couldn't let that go. Not yet because if she did, she didn't know how much longer she could hold on to everything else.

This came straight from one of her journals, a song I think she was
trying to write, this and the first paragraphs of page 332.
She never finished the song.

Chuck flipped quickly back to page 332, tears burning his eyes as a hatred he'd been holding onto deep within himself, a hatred for what she'd done to them, turned its ugly head back on him.

She'd learned that lesson last fall. She made him more successful, but he, he made her weaker. This time was supposed to be different, she'd believed him when he said it would be different. She felt pathetic, a word she'd never used to describe herself in her life, even at her lowest. No man had ever reduced her to this before, she never would have let them. Yet even with all of that, she would do it again for him; go anywhere, be anywhere, become whatever he needed. She could swallow her pride and choke down the other emotions as long as she got to have him. Right now she wasn't even sure she had that. Squeezing her eyes tightly together to force back the tears, Bianca knew she was fighting a losing battle. Maybe in more ways than one.

This time the turning of his stomach wasn't something he could hold back and he found himself rushing towards the ensuite bathroom to expel the limited contents of his stomach.

His stomach continued to roll, even as he washed out his mouth. Pressing his hands against the marble of the sink, he looked up at his reflection in the mirror and almost flinched. He could barely look at himself.

Dropping his head again, he felt an almost primal scream build from his gut and rip from his throat. He felt his knees give out before he stopped the guttural yell that didn't sound human even to his own ears. Slamming his hands against the sink edge, once, twice, three times before his forehead came to rest between them against the marble; he felt the deepest tremor he could imagine pulse throughout his body.

Hands shaking, heartbeat thumping, legs barely able to hold him steady on his knees; every part of him felt like it was collapsing in on itself. He'd taken a bite of Eden's apple by reading the book and now…now he was choking on it. He forced his body to turn until his back was against the sink, his legs bent on the floor, something more stable. His head dropped back and he exhaled. He was less than 350 pages in on a book that might be 700 pages long and already he felt like his entire world had been flipped upside down.

He was culpable, in all of it. He'd broken his word to her, countless times. Part of him wondered how she even lasted as long as she did without tearing him to pieces. And he wouldn't do her or himself the disservice of pretending he'd had no idea, the book and his own fucking journal were proof that he did. His anger began to bubble to the surface once more, almost overwhelming the pain.

Was that what Dan had meant yesterday? That the person he should be angry at was himself? Thinking about Dan reminded him of what he'd said earlier…something in there would make him mad at Dan too.

Chuck wasn't so obtuse that he missed the way his entire body seemed to jolt at the idea that there might be someone else to be pissed at other than himself. Rolling his eyes he pressed himself to standing, almost smirking at his renewed vigor, hearing the voice in the back of his head telling him that no matter what was to come, a burden he thought was hers alone to bear was his too and it always had been.

Splashing a bit of cold water on his face, he walked back into his office, feeling ready, if not overjoyed to continue. Walking into the room he saw his assistant standing there, a bagel with cream cheese in one hand, coffee in the other, and a bottle of bourbon tucked under her arm.

"I heard-" She started then stopped, thinking better of it. He knew what she'd heard. "I thought you might need, something." She said with a slight shrug of her shoulders.

"Good morning Dahlia. You can leave them on the desk." He replied, closing the door to his ensuite. He noticed her sit down the first two and hesitate on the third so he continued. "All three please."

She looked up, eyes meeting his and nodded. "Your schedule is taken care of for today. I've also put tentative holds on your calendar tomorrow, just in case."

He nodded. She was young, but exceptionally bright and she knew him well. He was aware it was getting time to move her to a better position within Bass but he wasn't quite ready to let her go as his assistant just yet. Perhaps he could just shift some of her responsibilities slowly? Shaking himself out of it he realized she'd said something. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?"

"Was there anything else? I'm assuming you still want your calls held?" Dahlia spoke, taking a step back from his desk, to give him the space to return to it.

"Yeah." He spoke before tossing her his cell phone as well. "Hold on to that for me."

Her eyebrows lifted but she didn't utter a word. She'd been working as Chuck Bass assistant for just over a year now. And not once during that time had she so much as had his cell phone in her possession. "And no exceptions?"

"No-" He started before pausing for a moment. Pressing his lips together he exhaled, fingers itching once more to click on the email waiting in his inbox. "Blair Waldorf." He supplied with a tight swallow. "If Blair Waldorf calls let her through."

Dahlia didn't show a reaction on her face, but he saw the quick flicker of her eyes to his phone, the one he'd unplugged earlier. He smirked. "Ah yes, that. Okay, if Blair calls, come in and let me know."

Nodding once, Dahlia turned and walked from the room, knowing he'd let her know if he needed anything else.

Taking a seat back at his desk, he looked back at Dan's manuscript, tugging out the bottom page at just the corner. Fuck this thing was as long as The Goldfinch. Unless there was a drastic turn of events, he'd be lucky to survive reading it to the end without clawing out his own heart and mailing it to her in a box.

Inhaling, he restacked the manuscript since some of the pages had come loose in his haste to get to the bathroom. Looking down, he exhaled and began reading again. With each new page, his spine was forced straighter; it was just as bad as he thought, maybe worse.

God, she had been so lonely. He'd assumed she'd been busy too, that she hadn't made her life revolve around him. Sure he'd known their friends were in the Hamptons and she and her mother were still on the outs. But she'd been a member of dozens of organizations. He'd assumed she'd be doing things for one of them. But he'd never bothered to ask.

Which is why he hadn't known that the New York Public Library Board had rejected her application for senior membership, or that the DAR had her on a year's probation for something she'd missed while they were in Italy, or that the Women's Auxiliary Board had a problem with her broken engagement to Louis, or that the New York Preservation Society had a problem with him. And she'd never mentioned any of it, not wanting to waste what little time he gave her talking about something bothering her.

His brows pulled together as he read on, she'd planned a trip to France to see her dads, one he was supposed to join for at least a few days. Not only did he back out, but he had persuaded her to stay; feeling as though he had to have her by his side for some dinner. And once more, she'd worked her magic, charming his business associates and he'd gotten locked in a heated discussion with the Chairman of the board excusing himself immediately after dinner.

He'd gotten the infrastructure deal he'd wanted that night, because of her.

That was just five days before she left.


Until this point in the fanfic I've leaned pretty heavily into the idea that the fact that Chuck and Blair aren't together is Blair's fault. As you can see that depends on the point of view at which we look at things. And I know some of you might be pretty mad at Chuck right now, just remember that Dan's book is just Blair's perspective. It leaves out how Chuck may have felt about things. There are two sides to every story, some have three or four

I can't wait to hear your thoughts!

Reviews are love and not to bribe you or anything but might just get you another chapter sooner ;)

xoxo
kate