Chapter Twenty-Nine

"And suddenly we're drowning in obligations… So we do what any sane person would do. We run like hell from our promises, hoping they'll be forgotten. But sooner or later, they always catch up." -Meredith Grey


The hospital no longer felt like a home…

That was the part Meredith still couldn't get over. The building she'd practically lived in for six long years, it was foreign to her now. It was ugly, tainted. And the people inside… they'd become ghosts, simply going through the motions. Maybe one day they'd return to their lives, but that day, it still seemed so far away.

She tried to keep her chin up as she walked down the hallway. The stares were hard to ignore, the whispering in the corners was almost unbearable. But that was the cost. It was the cost of having worked the wrong shift. And it was the cost of having walked out alive. In the grand scheme of things, she knew she was lucky.

She was still here. She was still moving, still breathing… no visible scars to speak of. And her family, they'd made it too.

They'd all made it. That was the one thing she needed to focus on.

And maybe if she did, this could feel like her home again.

"Mer!"

The voice made her jump, yanking her out of her mind and back to that place. The yelling, the monitors blaring… She screeched to a halt, her momentum nearly carrying her into a wall.

"Hey, did Lexie come in with you this morning?"

It took her a second to start breathing again. She wanted to spin around and throttle Mark Sloan, but instead she willed herself to calm down then shot him a glare as he jogged up beside her.

"Dammit, don't do that," she scolded him. "You can't do that here anymore."

Everyone around the hospital was already on edge. Unexpected noises, people appearing out of nowhere in doorways, it was enough to get hearts pounding all over again... and not in a good way.

Mark watched her for a minute then suddenly got it.

"Oh, sorry."

He surveyed the area with a sheepish expression, wondering if he'd frightened anyone else. But the rest of the world seemed pretty unphazed. Only Meredith had broken into a sweat. She straightened her labcoat, took one more deep breath and gradually started walking again, one foot in front of the other…

"So, did Lexie come in with you this morning?"

Mark repeated the question as he followed along, clearly struggling to make it sound casual. But Meredith could tell it was anything but.

"Why do you care?"

"Meredith, come on-"

"Hey, if you're digging for info on my sister, then you've come to the wrong person." She held up her hands, hoping to stop him. She'd gone down this road once before and it had not ended well. "I'm staying out of it. And trust me, it'll be better for all of us."

"This isn't about that."

"So you're not still trying to win Lexie back?"

"Who even…?"

His confusion confirmed what Meredith had long assumed. She'd seen the look on his face… before, when everything had been better. She'd seen the way he'd watched Lexie and Alex. He obviously still had feelings for her sister. And Meredith wasn't about to become some cog in his grand plan to make everything "right" again.

"Forget it, Mark," she dismissed him with a shake of her head. "I'm not doing this with you."

"This isn't about us." He didn't exactly deny her accusations, but apparently that wasn't what he wanted to discuss. He was emphatic now as he rushed to keep up with her. "I promise you, I don't want to cause you guys any problems."

"Fine," Meredith sighed, realizing that she'd have to throw him a bone. She was already late for her shift in the pit. And if she didn't give him something, he might chase her all the way to the ER.

"So yes, Lexie came in with me. No, I don't know where she currently is-"

"I don't need to know where she is." Mark dodged a patient then hurriedly fell into step beside her. "I just need… I need to know… Does she seem off to you?"

"What?" Meredith couldn't help but react to that. "What do you mean, off?"

"Fine, let's say different," Mark was trying to put it as delicately as possible. "Not herself."

They slowed to a halt as they reached the elevator. It was here Meredith knew, that Lexie and Mark had found Alex, laying in a pool of his own blood. "Everybody's a little different right now," she reminded him. "What else do you expect?"

Lexie had recounted that moment over and over again, every single detail, the amount of blood Alex had lost, the grey color of his skin, all the different procedures they normally would have attempted to save him... procedures that had eventually been done at another hospital. For once, no one envied her photographic memory.

"She's doing her best, okay?" Meredith glanced over her shoulder as the doors whooshed open. She forced herself to step forward, suppressing a shiver as her feet hit that floor. "We're all just doing our best."

Mark followed her inside, squeezing through the doors as they started to close. And now they were trapped in there together… in the same place where Alex had nearly died… in the same place her sister had discovered his bloody body.

"I get that, but Lexie-"

"Is fine."

Meredith cut the attending off in a hurry. She really didn't want to discuss Lexie's personal life, no matter how much he pushed. It didn't seem appropriate, especially after everything that had happened.

She watched the lights as the elevator began to drop, hoping to signal that she was done talking. But Mark still had his eyes trained on her.

"She's not fine."

"Mark-"

"She's not fine, Meredith."

"Well if she's not right this instant, then she certainly will be." Meredith was getting annoyed with this line of conversation. He'd made his choice months ago and Lexie's issues were no longer his business.

"Look, she just needs some time, okay?"

"You sure about that?"

"Yes…" She wished the car would move faster. "As sure as I am about anything these days."

Evidently, her answer wasn't good enough. She saw Mark reach for the stop button, pressing his palm across that red circle. The elevator lost speed and she felt a gentle bump as it came to a halt.

"Mark, come on," she protested. "I'm late! I'm trying to get back into surgery, and you are making me late for the one job I'm actually allowed to do."

"Patients are scared of her," he said abruptly, ignoring Meredith's apparent frustration. "They usually love Lexie, but today they're scared of her."

"No they're not," Meredith scoffed. "Trust me, I live with that girl and nobody in the whole wide world has ever been scared of her."

"Well, they are now."

Mark searched her face for any recognition, wondering if Meredith had seen it too. But Meredith was done with this. There were so many other issues swirling around and she didn't need Mark manufacturing more. Still… he wasn't about to let go, not when he had her trapped in this box.

"Lexie, she keeps spouting out all these creepy facts, stuff about guns and death." His voice echoed off the walls of the tiny compartment. "And she's running around this hospital like somebody's chasing her. She doesn't stop. I haven't seen her stop since..."

"Since the shooting?" Meredith turned on him. "Since that day a man shot a hole in her boyfriend?"

"Meredith, it's not just Alex," Mark sighed then glanced around the elevator. She could see how much he wanted to convince her, but she could also sense his hesitation. There was something he was hiding, something he didn't know if he should reveal.

"What?"

"It doesn't change anything," he said quietly. "I shouldn't even tell you."

"Tell me what?"

Meredith's heart was beginning to sink. Suddenly, she was scared of what he might say. Maybe they werepast his jealousy, maybe they really had moved into something much worse.

"What, Mark?"

Mark put his hands on his hips, still debating. He bit his lip as he studied the floor.

"Mark Sloan, I swear to god, if you don't tell me-"

"He found her in the hallway," Mark finally gave in. He wasn't particularly happy to share, but if he wanted Meredith's help, then he'd have to trust her.

"The gunman. When Lexie went to get supplies… We were trying to save Alex, so I let her leave, just for a second. And that bastard, he found her. He found Lexie and he nearly killed her."

Meredith's eyes widened.

"What are you talking about?"

"She didn't even mean to tell me, it came out by accident." His tone was filled with regret. "The guy saw her and basically... he was basically gonna execute her because, you know… he'd been looking specifically for Lexie."

Mark could barely put the words together. It was so hard to believe that anyone, let alone a patient's family member, would come into their workplace with a plan to kill Lexie... or Derek or Webber for that matter.

"He was about to the pull the trigger when the SWAT guys got him… And then she ran-with the supplies-and that was it."

Mark let out a breath, gesturing towards an invisible hallway, to the place where her sister had nearly been murdered. It took Meredith a moment to wrap her mind around that. She had realized, of course, that Mr. Clark had been searching for Lexie. But she'd never even considered that he might have found her.

"Why the hell didn't she tell me?"

"Meredith, she didn't tell anyone." Mark was just as exasperated by that as she was. "People were shot, people were hurt. Derek nearly died. She doesn't believe it's important."

Meredith tried to think back, tried to see Lexie in a whole different light. She had been acting strangely, but then again, so had everyone else. Things were bad right now, but at what point were they really bad? She had no idea where that line was.

"Maybe she's fine," Meredith needed some reason to be hopeful. "Just because he... I mean, he nearly shot me too."

"And what?" Mark regarded her skeptically. "You're doing so great yourself?"

Meredith narrowed her eyes and Mark quickly backed off.

"I'm sorry, I know."

He seemed genuinely apologetic.

"I know you guys went through a lot. Believe me, Derek's my best friend. But Lexie... there's something wrong with Lexie."

"She's been okay," Meredith made an effort to be reassuring. "She's working again-"

"Is she sleeping?"

"Nobody's sleeping." She couldn't remember the last time her house had been quiet. "Jackson wakes up screaming with nightmares. Derek's up watching those stupid racecar movies. And April just cries."

"And Lexie?"

"I'm not sure what she's doing." Meredith was rather ashamed to admit it. "She just stays in her room whenever she's home. I figured I'd give her some space."

"What about Alex?"

Alex... well he was definitely giving her space. He barely spoke to Lexie anymore. He was generally indifferent to everyone around him except when he made jokes that bordered on cruel. And Lexie... well some of those jokes had been directed at her. Meredith had put a stop to it, but she couldn't tell Mark any of this. It didn't matter if Alex had taken a bullet, if Mark heard the truth, he might still kick his ass.

"Alex is..." she trailed off, searching for a suitable explanation. "Well, he's coping the best he can."

Mark was waiting for something else, something that pertained to their immediate problem.

"And no," Meredith said slowly. "His version of coping does not include Lexie."

"Meredith, you need to do something."

Mark was dead serious about this. He took a step forward, his gaze locked on hers. His concerns… maybe there was something else to them, some lingering hope that he could get Lexie back again. But if he wanted to play the white knight, then why was he pushing the burden to Meredith?

"I don't know what you want me to say." She was beginning to get claustrophobic. "Honestly, Mark-"

"You're her sister."

"Yeah, but that doesn't make me her therapist."

Meredith was hardly trained for this. Hell, she was still dealing with her own crap. The miscarriage her husband wasn't even aware of, Christina's hasty wedding plans...

"Lexie's seeing that counselor just like the rest of us. If there's something wrong, he should be able to figure it out, shouldn't he?"

"Has he figured you out yet?" Mark raised his eyebrows. "Has he cured Yang? Or Derek for that matter?"

"It's not the same thing," Meredith argued. Derek had been shot, Christina… she'd had to operate under the very worst conditions. "It can't be the same thing. Lexie was fine. You were there with her…"

"Just keep an eye out."

"Mark-"

"Meredith, I'm telling you…" His hands balled up into fists as he fought the urge to reach out and shake her. "You need to keep an eye on your sister."

"Fine, I will."

"Just pay attention-"

"I will Mark, okay?"

She moved farther into the corner, away from his hovering presence. By now, she felt guilty that Lexie hadn't been able to confide in her. But that guilt was turning into irritation. She already had so many people to worry about. Her sister should have been the easy one… the one who came out unscathed.

"I'll try and talk to her," she repeated. "I will, I'll try."

"Good."

Mark gave her a nod, but he seemed disappointed, as if he'd expected far more from her. Maybe Meredith was supposed to call Lexie instantly. Maybe she was supposed to go straight to that doctor they'd brought in to help. But she wasn't ready for any of that. All she could promise is that she'd make some attempt to get through to her sister...

That was it…

Mark watched her for another second then eventually reached over. He punched that red button with the side of his fist… then waited as the elevator rumbled to life.


"So he was still holding onto her?"

Meredith glanced over at Dr. Wyatt as she raised the question that had once bothered Meredith. Was Mark right or was he just seeing things? Were his concerns real or was this just one more chance to get closer to Lexie?

"It was more than that," she said finally.

Way, way more...

"And as usual I missed it. I wasn't paying attention and I totally missed it."

She remembered now that Dr. Wyatt had been gone during that period. She'd taken some teaching position and hadn't returned until months after the shooting. So she had no clue how this story ended.

"Does any of this even matter anymore?"

Besides the plane crash, if there was any other topic she really didn't want to discuss, it was the shooting and its god-awful aftermath. This should have been enough... just to know that Meredith had screwed up again... they could stop right here. There was no sense going through the whole miserable mess.

"None of this has to do with me or Derek or the reason we're fighting."

"But it goes straight back to the root of the problem."

Dr. Wyatt leaned forward and Meredith's stomach began to churn. She recognized her doctor's expressions and it was clear that her therapist had seen something, picked up on some issue that Meredith had blown right past.

"You still don't think you were a good sister to Lexie." She could make that case easily based on this session alone. "You feel bad that you didn't try to help her with Mark, you feel bad that you didn't see her problems after the shooting…"

Meredith's shoulders slumped.

"So what?" she murmured. "It doesn't change anything."

It wasn't like Lexie was around to complain. And Meredith, she could certainly hold on to the guilt. In some ways, it seemed like she'd earned it.

"Yeah, but this issue you have, it's interfering with other parts of your life," Dr. Wyatt explained. "It's all connected. The fact that you keep going back to these stories, that means something."

"So what am I supposed to do?"

Meredith realized that her doctor was right. Her quest to help Mark, her battles with Derek, her teary conversations with so many of her friends, they all revolved around the same thing.

"How do I fix it?"

"You keep following that line," the woman suggested. "You keep following that line and you see where it leads."

Meredith frowned. She acted like that was so simple. But she didn't understand… not any of it. Poor Lexie. Why hadn't Meredith seen it sooner? Why hadn't she just listened to Mark?

Dr. Wyatt shifted in her chair. Ready or not... Meredith knew that she'd have to continue. As if on cue, her therapist motioned to her.

"So tell me," she said quietly. "What happened after that day in the elevator?"


She might not have recognized him if it hadn't been for the hair. It was one of his signature features, the one interns noticed… well the female ones anyway. And then they'd talk about his eyes and his smile… but the hair always came first. And today, it was the dead giveaway. From the back, without his labcoat, he could have been anyone… But Meredith saw that wavy dark hair and knew it was him. The man hunched over the desk, scribbling in a checkbook… that was her husband.

"Seriously?"

She snatched the speeding ticket right out of his fingers. Derek lifted his head, his pen frozen, his signature half completed. She could tell from his startled expression that he hadn't heard her enter the doctor's lounge.

"How fast were you going this time?"

"I was only a little over the speed limit." He pinched his thumb and forefinger together, an easy-going grin crossing his face. "I swear."

"Derek-"

"Maybe five miles per hour-"

"Is that really the answer you want to stick with?" She glared at him. "Because I'm pretty sure honesty was implied in our post-it vows."

He stood and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, switching on that McDreamy charm.

"The guy didn't know me. He just wanted someone to yell at today."

"Good," Meredith muttered. "Because I bet you deserved it."

She loved him dearly, but his present need for speed was getting under her skin. It didn't help that most of the cops had been letting him off easy. The great Derek Shepherd, he'd earned a near mythical status after operating on various members of Seattle PD. But apparently, he'd finally run into one guy who wasn't impressed.

"I'm not bailing you out of jail again," she warned him. "And you're way too pretty to be spending the night in there."

"Pretty?" he joked. "You think I'm pretty?"

"Shut up and look in a mirror, Dr. Shepherd."

"Maybe I would, if I could get into even one of our bathrooms." He shot her a smirk, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "But last I checked, we're currently sharing our house with four different residents."

Meredith scowled, mostly because he had her on that one. Yes, he was speeding… but she… she was inviting lost doctors to stay in their home… without asking. April and Avery were the newest additions. She still had the bigger gripe, considering he was risking the life they'd worked so hard to save. But she'd lost a bit of leverage and they were both well aware of it.

"So what are you doing today?"

His grin spread as he steered the conversation away from his ticket. Luckily for him, he'd managed to touch on the one topic that annoyed her even more than his penchant for speeding. Her job, as it stood now, was completely ridiculous.

"I'm doing sutures-again." She plastered on a fake smile. "I'm doing the work of a first year intern. It's thrilling, really. You have no idea."

"Oh, I do actually." He met her gaze with genuine empathy. "But this thing, getting cleared for surgery, it's just a formality."

God, she hoped he was right. Derek wasn't even officially working yet. But he'd come in anyway, to visit and be around family and friends. The truth was, they were all dying of boredom. Their lives had become a mixture of ER shifts, charting, and therapy sessions… Those stupid, freaking therapy sessions.

"Hey, did you talk to Lexie this morning?"

She couldn't help but think of her sister. Lexie had attended every single group session so far and was the most vocal among them as it turned out.

"I saw her at breakfast before you guys left." Derek was already back at his checkbook. "Remember, she was complaining about Alex, listing all the possible complications of leaving that bullet in."

"Yeah, that was fun."

Meredith went for playful sarcasm, but the concern was creeping into her voice.

"What?" Derek glanced her direction. "What's wrong?"

"Well, Mark said something in the elevator the other day." She still hadn't had the guts to talk to Lexie about it. "He's worried about her."

"And that worries you?" Derek pushed the ticket aside then leaned back in his chair, giving her an appraising look. "I can ask him to lay off, if you want. After everything that's happened-"

"No, it's okay," she interjected. "I'm honestly not sure what's going on with those two, or with Lexie and Alex for that matter."

Derek rolled his eyes. That relationship was going nowhere fast and the tension in the house was getting worse by the hour. But that wasn't their only problem anymore. Meredith shifted her weight from one foot to the other, digging her hands deep into her pockets.

"It's just, yesterday, yesterday Lexie started yelling at April," she explained. "We were driving to work and she just started yelling."

"About what?"

"Just stuff about the shooting."

Meredith was still confused by the whole thing. It had caught her completely off guard and she was beginning to wonder if Mark's concerns might have been valid.

"One minute, we're listening to the radio and the next she's telling April that, statistically speaking, she should've died too, that her whole humanizing herself to the gunmen thing shouldn't have worked."

"Really?" Derek seemed equally puzzled. "That doesn't sound like her."

"No, it doesn't," Meredith concurred. "And when April began crying-again, she just kept going."

Meredith had watched the whole mess in the rearview mirror, grateful when Jackson had finally intervened. It was hard for her to scold her sister, since she knew Lexie was hurting too. But watching her berate poor April Kepner… it was so out of character for her.

"Lexie doesn't make people cry," Meredith said emphatically. "If anything, it's always been the other way around."

Derek gave a slight nod of agreement. He'd certainly seen Lexie's sensitive side.

"Well, have you talked to her about it?" he asked. "About the shooting? How's she's feeling? Anything like that?"

Meredith didn't respond… Instead, her gaze fell straight to the ground. And that was all the answer he needed.

"Oh come on, Meredith…" He wasn't angry or upset, just perplexed that they were still playing this game. "She's your sister."

"Hey, it's not like I don't care," Meredith said hastily. She wasn't about to debate that again. "Do you know how long it took me to find her after the shooting? Do you know how scared I was?"

"Then what's the problem?"

"Derek, this is her personal life."

Meredith had a terrible track record in that particular area. She'd nearly destroyed Derek's friendship with Mark over this. She'd tried an intervention out on a ferry, pushed her sister way too hard… When it came to Lexie, hands off just seemed better.

"All this stuff with Mark, she'd kill me if she even knew I was talking to him. And the last time I got involved, I just made it worse."

"But this isn't like the last time..." Derek reminded her. "Last time, she had a broken heart. This time, she watched a crazy man shoot up our hospital. She watched Alex nearly bleed to death... This isn't like the last time at all."

It was true… all of it. The two situations didn't even compare. But still, the butterflies flew in her stomach. How in the hell could she discuss this with Lexie?

"If I'm wrong..." Meredith let out a breath. "If I bring up all this stuff again just when she's working so hard to forget it… she'll hate me, Derek."

"Yeah, but if you're right... if Mark's right... then who else is going to do it?" The question clearly troubled him. "Who else will be able to get through to her?"

There was nobody left…

Meredith shook her head as the realization slowly dawned on her. Christina was about to get married, Derek was about to start working again. Mark was keeping a respectful distance and Alex sure as hell wasn't going to step in.

"Dammit."

There really was no choice anymore. She'd have to do something. She'd have to suck it up, sit her sister down and dive into a topic no one wanted to touch. At least it was nearly the weekend… Maybe she could push this conversation off until then, one more day, two at most, assuming that Lexie didn't lay into April.

That seemed like a great idea, the perfect idea in fact… until her pager suddenly buzzed.


Well now you know what I've been doing over my Labor Day! Yes, finally we've reached one of my favorite flashbacks. The whole story of Lexie's breakdown after the shooting was dealt with pretty quickly on the show. And I wanted to go back and explore that a little more. It has been part of this particular story since I first started writing it, because it ties together the primary characters in her life. You have Mark, who is the first to realize that something's wrong, and Meredith, who has so much else going on that Lexie seems the least of her concerns. Throw in Derek, who's got issues of his own but is still concerned for his family, and you have quite a bit of drama to work with. And we haven't even gotten to Lexie yet…

By the way, this scene was written after I watched the extended version of the season six finale. If you've never caught it, I'd recommend checking it out. You can clearly see them foreshadowing Lexie's problems. A few of the scenes got cut for broadcast, but those pretty much explain the first part of this chapter. Mark witnesses how messed up Lexie is from the very beginning (check out the ambulance scene especially) and that is why he is watching more closely. I wish they'd been able to include the additional scenes in the broadcast version of the episode, because Chyler Leigh is pretty great in them. But let's face it, even the regular version of that episode was packed. Thank goodness for DVDs!

So yes, the next chapter will continue this flashback. I'm heading out on vacation soon, but if it seems like people are around and reading, I'll try and squeeze it in before I go. This chapter didn't exactly end on a cliffhanger, but it's not a point where I'd want to leave you guys for a few weeks.

Anyway, let me know if you're out there… Since this flashback ties directly in with a major show storyline, I'm curious to hear what people think. So review if you can and thanks again!