Chapter 27: I'm Okay, Really

Just over a week ago, I found out what stats where for stories (I know, I know, I'm still a complete noob with this website). Today, I saw that this story reached over 1,000 hits, and it's all thanks to you guys. Seriously, you're the best, and I can't thank you enough for it.

Anyway, for this chapter, I plan on just clearing up a few things with Carter and Devlin. And no, I don't plan on making a love triangle with them and Odd. This story wasn't meant to be a romance.

Before I forget: I don't like Aelita's fourth season outfit, so I'm going to change it. The next outfit change she has should be the permanent one. The same thing applies for Carter, Devlin, and Stacey.


When I woke up, it was four in the morning. I rolled to the side to see Aelita snoring peacefully away. I stood up and crept to my armoire and grabbed my white bathrobe. I then slithered out of my costume and draped the short robe over my body. I grabbed my shampoo, conditioner, a white towel, and a brush, and quietly walked out the room.

It was near dark out in the hallway, save for the dim lighting. I squinted and made my way to the showers. I could hear the creaks and groans of the kids in bed as I walked down the hall. I had picked a good time to shower; not even Jim would be stalking the hallways at this hour.

The showers were completely empty, just like I had hoped. I went to the farthest shower stall in there, all the way in the back. I hung up my bathrobe and put my shampoo and conditioner on the small metal rack that every stall had. I then turned on the shower, letting a strong blast of lukewarm water wash over me.

Only then did I let the tears fall.


After I was done with the body-wracking sobs, I stood up from my crouched position and painfully straightened my back. I then washed my hair with my favorite lemon-scented shampoo and matching conditioner. I brushed out my hair while there was still conditioner in it so it wouldn't be a tangled mess later. Then I washed the residue off the brush. I quickly rinsed off and dried off with the towel. I put on my bathrobe and dried my hair with the damp towel. With the towel draped over my shoulders like a blanket, I grabbed all of my necessities, which had thankfully stayed more or less dry over the course of the shower. I then stalked out of the bathroom and back into my room.

It was now five in the morning. Aelita would be waking up soon. I spread the towel over my pillow and laid my head on it. I then closed my eyes and went into a state of restless and dreamless sleep.

Unfortunately, I woke up to my alarm clock. Aelita had already turned hers off, and was now rubbing her eyes. I quickly shot off mine and sat up, only to realize that my hair was plastered to not only my face, but to the towel as well.

And then Aelita remembered what had happened last night. "How are you feeling, Carter?" she asked as she threw off her bed covers. "Other than a slight chill, fine," I mumbled, trying to sever my hair from the towel. Aelita took in my outfit and said, "Do you remember anything?" I stared at her; how did she know? "How do you know?" I asked out loud, using my fingers as a comb and running them through my hair.

"Devlin shot you in the head. He said there was a good chance of you remembering the project," Aelita explained. I swallowed. "…I remember," I croaked. Aelita took one look at my face and gathered me in her arms, rocking me back and forth. "What are you, my mother?" I joked, but there was no humor in it. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked. "No. And I don't think I ever will," I admitted softly. I gently untangled myself from her arms and walked to my armoire. "Just because I remember the project doesn't mean the world has ended. We still have school."

"True. But you have to remember that we're always here for you," Aelita replied, staring at me. "I know that Aelita. I really do. But this isn't something just anyone can understand." I met her gaze. Her eyes shown with unshed tears. She really wanted to help, to understand, but no one deserved what happened to me. No one did. "Come on. We have to get ready for school," I concluded as I got out some clothes. Aelita walked over to her armoire and did the same.

All I wanted right now was to be normal. And the first normal thing that came to mind was school. I put on a pair of new jeans (my first pair of actual French jeans! It doesn't get any better than that), a pair of clean black Van sneakers, and a black Beatles band shirt with a color picture of their Abbey Road album; you know, the one where the Beatles are walking across that street. Look it up.

Aelita was still in her steam punk stage: she was wearing the pink corset she wore on Halloween, but she had paired it with a pair of thin solid pink arm warmers to cover her arms. She wore jeans with her tan boots, and she had attached her golden pocket watch to her waist. She also had the pink steam punk goggles to complete the look.

I studied her appraisingly. "Not bad," I told her truthfully. "You don't look so bad yourself," Aelita said with her usual smile. I was already starting to feel normal for a change.

But there were still the others that I had to deal with. When the two of us met up with them, they had immediately wanted to know if I was okay. Aelita's glare silenced them instantly. Devlin was nowhere to be seen. Just as well; I wasn't ready to face him just yet.

After a somewhat normal breakfast, it was first period English for Ulrich and me. The teacher was droning on about grammar. I was trying to engross myself into the lesson when Ulrich suddenly passed me a note. All it said was Are you really okay? I told him the truth: I will be. I passed the note back to him and ignored him for the rest of class.

The rest of the day passed by quickly. The others tried their best to act like everything was normal, but pretty soon they were going to snap and ask me what was really weighing on their minds. To be honest, I wasn't prepared for that. So I excused myself to the band room, hoping that it would be empty.


"Okay, seriously, why isn't she talking?" Odd demanded from Aelita after Carter was out of earshot. Odd's voice toned down when he saw the look on Aelita's face. "She won't say anything!" she said, desperately trying not to cry. "But it's not like any of us can understand what happened to her back at the project. Even if we tried…" Aelita trailed off, so close to tears. Yumi gave her a one-armed hug for comfort.

"There's only one person we know who can understand," Jeremy said solemnly. Everyone knew who he was talking about, and Odd did not look very happy about that. "Where is Devlin, anyway?" Ulrich asked no one in particular.


The band room was totally empty when I came by; the sign on the door said that band practice would be on the field for the day. And they had completely left the drum kit wide out in the open.

I needed to let out a whole lot of stress and anger. I wasn't angry at my friends, but I was stressed out over their concern. I know they do it because they care, but there was only so much I could take without feeling like I was suffocating in their sincerity.

And anger, lots and lots of anger. Anger at the scientists, anger at Uncle Henry for letting them experiment on me, anger at myself for getting duped by them, anger at my parents for not believing that Vivian was a real threat… I just couldn't keep it bottled up. I attacked the drums, not practicing any particular song, but just lots and lots of frustrated notes. I didn't stop playing, not even when my arms felt like lead and I could hardly breathe. Exhaustion was the only thing that stopped me from going any further.

Over my incessant drumming, I hadn't heard Devlin strolling in. I knew I had to be somewhat angry with him, but I just couldn't.

Neither of us said anything at first. Devlin looked at me with a poker face, and I was still breathing heavy. Finally, I asked, "Why didn't you say anything?" "What could I say?" he shrugged. "You didn't remember anything, and acting like best friends would have freaked you out." He looked calm, but that may have just been his color choice. He was wearing a lot of blue: blue jeans, blue and white sneakers, and a blue tee shirt with the Superman logo on his chest in red. He was still really freckly, and he had grown out his hair a bit, so it was barely touching his shoulders.

"Why didn't you help me remember?"

"I thought that you might have wanted to remember on your own. If I had just told you, who knows what would have happened."

I couldn't say anything to that. And besides, I wasn't all that mad with him to begin with. Confused, yes, but not mad. "Tell me, Devlin, were we just friends back on the Wasteland?" I asked straight out. The thought had definitely occurred to me, and I needed to know.

Devlin looked me straight in the eye. "Carter, I'll be honest. I love you. You were the closest thing to family I had back on the Wasteland. But we were just that; family, and nothing more." I believed him.

"You know, I've always wanted to be in a band," he said suddenly. No doubt he wanted to change the subject. "Like what?" I asked, thankful for the distraction. "Like singing," Devlin murmured, blushing beet red. I blinked. I hadn't been expecting that.

"Okay… Know any good songs?" I asked. I was still dead tired, but one or two more songs couldn't hurt. "I know one My Chemical Romance song by heart," Devlin admitted. "'I'm Not Okay (I Promise).'" I was already tapping out the beat. Devlin took a deep breath and started.

Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.
I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.
For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took,
Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?

I felt my eyebrows shoot up. Devlin was actually really good. Sure, his voice squeaked a little at a few of the higher notes, but he kept on singing. I honestly think Devlin could go pro if he wanted to.

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out


Devlin knew this song by heart, which is why he had let his mind wander when he was singing.

He had lied-no, half-lied was a better word- to Carter about before. When she had first arrived on the Wasteland, he felt an instant infatuation with her. Who could blame him, when the only other girl was a complete brat?

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?
(I'm not okay)
I've told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means
(I'm not okay)
To be a joke and look, another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook for the last time take a good hard look!

But then Devlin had realized that if he showed any feelings towards Carter, the scientists might use them. So Devlin had suppressed them, acting the part of the best friend in hopes of forgetting. And it had worked; after a while he only saw her as something close to a sister. His crush had ended, but Devlin hadn't lied about loving her. It was just familial love is all.

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out

Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
You said you read me like a book, but the pages all are torn and frayed

But occasionally, Devlin felt a little pang in his chest. It didn't happen when he saw Carter, not necessarily. It happened when she saw her with Aelita or Ulrich or any of their other friends. For the longest time the two of them only had each other; now Carter had made other really close friends. He had too, of course, but he still missed those instances in captivity when all they had was each other for company.

I'm okay
I'm okay!
I'm okay, now
(I'm okay, now)

But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I mean this, I'm okay!
(Trust Me)

But Devlin was a big boy now. He could handle this separation. Sure, Carter remembered their friendship, but things were different now. Things would never be the same, but it wasn't like they weren't friends anymore. It would have to take some adjusting. And hey, maybe they could close again; maybe not like before, but it was something to hold on to.

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Well, I'm not okay
I'm not o-fucking-kay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
(Okay)


I hadn't realized how repetitive that song was until just now. It sounds so much better on the CD, I swear.

I had kind of planned on Stacey making an appearance, but I'll leave that for next time. As usual, I want to hear your opinions. Review please!