WARNING: Expect OOCness from the characters (it's an omake, after all). Also, UNMARKED SPOILERS FOR THE TRANSFORMERS LIVE-ACTION FILMS. Well, there. You've been warned. Beyond here be ridiculousness...

As for the chapter itself, well...imagine Mystery Science Theater, only very poorly written and in text form.

Key: -Words- = stuff happening on-screen


It was one of those days.

There hadn't been any Hollows for about a week, and there was really nothing to do for Dante. Happy Hour didn't start until nine, and as the sunlight streaming through the Urahara Shop windows demonstrated, that wasn't for some time yet. As for the man in question, he had his feet propped up on the kitchen table and was leaning back in a chair, as usual. He'd been listening to the CD player he'd…"borrowed" from Lady, and had dozed off somewhere around the fifth track. He was now snoring loud enough to drown out the humming of the refrigerator behind him.

Which was all the better for the approaching figure. A smile formed on its face as it crept up on Dante, a large blade in its hand. It drew closer…closer…

WHACK!

The figure struck him with the side of the large blade, knocking him out of his chair and sending him rolling along the floor. "Imgonnakickyorassyousonnova-!" Dante said groggily, shaking the cobwebs and flashing lights out of his head. "The hell, Ichigo?!"

Ichigo grinned. "Sorry, but I don't think anything else would've woke you up. Besides, Lady doesn't know that you stole that, yet; now you can put it back in her room without her knowing. I did you a favor."

"Little bastard…" Dante growled. "You wanna scrap, just say so!" He began walking over to where he'd set Rebellion (the coat rack), but found Rukia blocking him. "What the hell is this?"

"We were told to wake you up and we did. Let's try to keep the violence to a very bare minimum."

He frowned, rubbing his eyes. "Whose genius idea was it to beat the sleep out of me?"

"Mine," a voice called out behind him.

He turned around. "Trish?"

She nodded, grabbing his coat and flinging it at him. "Put it on. We're going out."

"Trish, babe, we've been over this. You look just like my mother, and as such it would be extremely awkw-GHZZZZZZ!"

Trish flexed her hand, stopping the flow of electricity into Dante's body. "You know what I meant. We, as a group, are going out to the movies."

"Who's included in that 'we'?" he asked, picking himself up from the floor. As he got to his feet, he saw Urahara and a strange woman he'd never seen before (but who, for the sake of narration, we'll admit is Yoruichi) looking at him with interest. "Hi there," Urahara said, waving.

"This hurts already…"

---

The group, consisting of Ichigo, Rukia, Dante, Trish, Urahara, and Yoruichi, made their way inside the theater. Trish sidled up to the ticket counter. "Six, please."

The lady at the register quirked an eyebrow at Trish's outfit, but to her credit, didn't actually say anything about it. How on EARTH does that top stay up?! "For which movie?" After Trish answered, she punched a few buttons. "That'll be ¥2160."

Trish passed over a few bills. "Keep the change."

The lady nodded gratefully, handing the tickets over. "Second door on your right."

---

Dante frowned as he stared in. "Man, this place is empty."

"It's like a metaphor for your skull, isn't it?" a voice responded behind him.

"Lady? What the hell are you doing here?"

"What do you mean, 'what am I doing here'? Trish invited us."

" 'Us'? Then that means…" he peered over her shoulder. "Yep. It's the lovebirds."

Nero frowned. "Nice to see you, too. Now could you get out of our way so we can go through?"

"Fine." He walked in a few steps to let Nero and Kyrie past. "But still, it's just us?"

Urahara chuckled. "I…may have called in a few favors. Besides, did you really want to get kicked out when you got too loud?"

"You mean 'if'."

"Riiiiight. That's exactly what I meant."

They all plopped down in the front row, from left to right as follows: Urahara, Yoruichi, Trish, Dante, Lady, Nero, Kyrie, Ichigo, and Rukia.

"So, what's the movie, anyway?" Dante asked.

"Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen," Trish answered.

"There's no '2'," Lady remarked absently.

"But I haven't even seen the first one," Dante said, ignoring her.

Lady sighed. "Okay, I'll sum it up for you. Big, alien robots come to Earth. They beat the crap out of each other. The good robots win."

His eyes went wide. "And we're not watching something that awesome because…"

"Because somebody decided to break the DVD…" Rukia grumbled.

"For the last time, that wasn't me, it was Kon!" Ichigo exclaimed. "I was out killing a Hollow at the time, and I would know the difference between a DVD and a coaster!"

"Sometimes I wonder…"

"Hey, settle down over there," Urahara grumbled. "On a related topic, does anybody want any snacks? 'Cause if they do-"

"I'd like some Milk Duds," Yoruichi answered.

"Well, actually-"

"I'll have some popcorn," Trish piped up.

Urahara frowned. "Well, I-"

"Diet Sprite for me," Rukia remarked.

One of his eyebrows began to twitch. "Look, I-"

"Sour strawberry licorice straws," Ichigo stated.

The twitch became much more pronounced. "Hey-"

"Popcorn, lots of butter, lots of salt," Nero ordered. "And make it snappy, would you?"

"I didn't say that I-"

"You asked us," Yoruichi cut him off with a smile. "It's your own fault."

Urahara walked back out, his head hung low. But I just asked. I never volunteered!

---

He walked back in, handing everyone their items, grumbling while he did so. He glared at Yoruichi as he took his seat. "I hope you're happy."

She smiled. "Oh, I am," she purred. The lights began to dim. "And just think of how good my eyesight is in the dark," she whispered. "I mean, everyone else's night vision will be terrible. Just think of what we could get away with…"

Suddenly, going back to the concession stand didn't seem like such a bad deal, after all.

Dante scoffed. Typical. Whoever that woman is, she doesn't realize that my senses are still pretty good in the dark. Oh well…what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

The screen flared to life.

-"Earth…origin of the human race…"-

Dante nudged Lady. "Who's the guy talking?"

"Optimus Prime," she answered.

"Opti-what?"

"He's the leader of the Autobots-the good robots," she explained.

"Oh."

-"Our worlds have met before."-

"Is he that one?" Dante asked.

"No," Lady sighed.

"That one?"

One of Lady's eyes began to twitch. "I'll tell you when it's him."

"Okay."

They sat quietly for a little bit, looking at the action unfolding.

-"He's here. I smell him."-

"Can they actually smell other robots?" Dante wondered.

Trish frowned. "You know, I'm not sure. I suppose it would be possible, considering chemical content and-"

"Boring. A 'yes' would've been-"

-BOOM!-

He stopped, looking up at the screen hungrily. "Oh, yeah. The robots fighting. Finally…" he said, practically drooling.

Rukia frowned. "Why would they be unaware of its other form? Surely nothing that big exists."

Ichigo shook his head. "You'd be surprised. Some of that construction equipment gets pretty big."

-"We got a second Decepticon!"-

"Ugh, I hate Audis," Urahara grumbled. "The drivers are always such-"

"Well, in this case, the 'driver' is an alien robot, so I don't think that applies," Trish responded.

"But it's ALSO an evil robot."

She smirked. "Fair point."

"What's the deal with all the unicycle-robots?" Lady wondered aloud. "You'd think the stability on them would be terrible."

"Hey, alien robot," Dante pointed out. "Besides, motorcycles are less stable than cars to begin with, and they work just fi- Did that robot just crash through a building?"

"It would seem so."

"Just HOW have I never heard of this before?!"

"Because you don't own a TV?" Trish answered.

"Because the most advanced technology you have is a phone?" Lady added.

"Because you're horribly out of touch with modern times?" Ichigo piped up.

Dante scoffed. "I only admit to two of the previous three."

-"Bring in Sideswipe!" "Clear a path!"-

"Okay, for a car, that's not bad looking," he admitted. "Well, there you go, Lady. He's got TWO wheels for feet."

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, that's so much better."

"That reminds me of the time I got a pair of roller…" he trailed off as he stared at the screen.

"Are…" Trish began. "Are you drooling?"

-"Damn, I'm good."-

"I…think I've finally died. Died and gone to heaven…" Dante said, his mouth hanging open.

"You do stuff like that all the time…" Trish sighed.

Kyrie looked at the screen with wide eyes. "All those people…"

Nero nodded. "Yeah. Things have really picked up since the last movie; it's like a war."

-"Autobots! I'm in pursuit!"-

"…And that's Optimus Prime," Lady said.

"A semi with flame designs? Never actually seen one of- Okay, they just broke through a highway overpass. Even I never get quite that destructive."

"Not that you've got anything wrong with that, though, right?"

"Are you kidding?! I have a new GOAL now!"

"I sure hope you're more mindful about collateral damage than they are…"

"Well, duh."

-"The Fallen shall rise again…"-

"THE Fallen?" Dante asked, surprised.

Trish shook her head. "No, not the ones we've fought. It's a different one, within the context of the movie."

"How do they know any English, anyw- whoa, brutal execution. But yeah, if they're aliens, how do they know a language on Earth?"

Lady sighed. "They explained it in the first movie; they researched the Internet and picked up our language."

"Surprising they never picked up on memes or yaoi…" Trish said, giggling.

Lady smiled back. "I don't think giant robots would have any concept of yaoi. Shame…"

Dante frowned, scratching his head. "What's a 'meem'?"

"We'll tell you when you're older."

"But Laaaadyyyy…"

"Knock that off," she snapped. "You sound like Jerry Lewis."

"I wouldn't keep bugging you if you didn't keep talking about things I've never heard of," he pouted. "…Okay, who are these people?"

"Human Autobot allies. Another first movie thing."

-"March, young lady."-

Nero grinned. "It's like an older, married Dante…except without a sword…or long hair…or a red trench coat…and has a kid…okay, he's barely like Dante. Except for the perversion."

"I can hear you, you know…" Dante grumbled.

-"You'll see a lot of that in college, too."-

"Okay, firstly, sick. Secondly, what does he mean by that? There's a lot of dogs in college doing that to-"

"He means people having sex, you idiot," Ichigo said, a strawberry straw hanging out of his mouth.

Rukia blinked. "Ichigo, what's 'sex'?"

Ichigo spat the straw out, coughing. "W-what?!"

She grinned evilly. "Just kidding…or am I?"

You are an evil, evil midget… "You are an evil-"

"Um, Nero?" Kyrie asked softly. "What is that girl doing?"

"It looks like she's detailing," he answered, grabbing a handful of popcorn.

"Doesn't it…hurt to bend like that?"

"Ah, that's nothing," Dante scoffed. "I've seen Trish bend in ways that would make that look like kid's stuff…"

Urahara grinned. "Please elaborate."

Click-click! "Yes, please do elaborate," Lady said evenly, holding a pistol under Dante's chin.

He sighed. "Okay, that came out wrong. What I meant was that while we were fighting, she's bent in ways that would-"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it now," Lady sighed, putting the safety on and re-holstering her pistol.

"You brought a gun to the movies? You've got issues, Lady."

"I like to think of it as being extremely prepared," she sniffed.

"I like to think of it as being extremely psychotic," he shot back.

-"Oh, I love it when you say 'camshafts'. Whisper it to me." "…Camshafts…Why can't I hate you?"-

Dante gaped. "Okay, he's smooth. She went from breaking up with him to wanting to jump his- What's that metal thingy?"

"Another first movie thing. Kind of like a robot power source."

"Like a Green Orb?"

"Yeah, I guess you could say that…" Nero replied thoughtfully.

Lady frowned. "What the hell is a Green Orb?"

Dante ignored her, instead staring at the screen. "Okay, please tell me that that cannon didn't come out of his crotch."

Ichigo coughed. "Um…okay…that cannon didn't come out of his crotch."

"Smartass."

"Dumbass."

"Oh, shut up!" Lady hissed. "You're both asses!"

"But he started it!" they whined in unison.

Nero frowned. "Ugh…more dog humping…"

-"What was that?!" "The whole kitchen!!"-

"Okay, why are they trying to kill the kid?" Dante asked.

"Because they're feral," Lady said tersely.

"Really?" Trish wondered abstractly. "I thought it was because all of Earth's advanced technology had been reverse-engineered from Megatron, and so all Earth-based created Transformers began as Decepticons."

Dante blinked. "Ooookay…could you back up and explain that slowly, and in normal language?"

"No."

-"BUMBLEBEE!!"-

Yoruichi's eyes widened. "Soifon?!"

-VROOOM! CRUNCH!-

She frowned. "Oh. Never mind." She leaned back, scooping a handful of candy into her mouth.

"This reminds me of when we got a job to kill a Beelzebub, and it turned out to be twenty," Trish commented. "Messy."

-CRRRRRRRRRR…BOOM!-

Nero chuckled. "Extreme Makeover: Autobot Home Edition."

-"Get in the garage, NOW!"-

Dante sighed. "This is me after any given demon-slaying job."

"This is me after any given intervention," Urahara added.

-"I wanna talk to you about the college thing…"-

"So he can't talk himself, but he can talk through the radio?" Dante volunteered.

Lady tilted her head from side to side. "Well…sort of. He's kind of being cute."

"…WHAT? He's not taking the transforming robot to college? Why the hell not?!"

-"Freshmen aren't allowed to have cars."-

"That is the single lamest rule I've ever heard of, and sounds like an excuse for something," Dante ranted. "I'm guessing the dean had a really small-"

"DANTE…" Lady warned.

"…desk," he finished. "Whoa, she's taking her clothes off!…Why'd she stop?"

"Because this is rated PG-13, idiot."

"…Wait, so…he's breaking up with a giant alien robot to be with his human girlfriend that happens to be a mechanic?…I'm not sure whether he's a complete idiot or not, but I guess he's not as smooth as I thought he was…"

"I'm not sure he's really 'breaking up' with Bumblebee," Trish explained. "It's more that he's trying to move on with his life, and leave the past behind him…" She sighed, looking down.

He smiled. "Hey, for what it's worth, I'm real proud of you for doing that. Don't worry about it."

-"I…adore…you." "That's not the word I wanna hear right now…"-

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "What's her problem? I mean, he just said he adores her!"

"She wants to hear the 'L' word," Rukia whispered.

"Huh? What 'L' word?"

"…You are really dense…"

"The hell is that supposed to mean?!"

-"It can be." "Well, it's working…"-

Dante frowned. "Okay, how is it that she is so into him?"

"They survived a life-and-death experience together," Lady responded. "Not to mention that he grew a backbone while doing so."

"But you and I aren't like that!"

"We also don't have giant alien robots, either."

"Don't remind me…"

-"That hurt, man!" "It's supposed to hurt, it's an ass-kickin'."-

"So…they are Autobots, right?" Dante inquired.

Lady nodded. "Yeah, why?"

"They just kinda…grate on my nerves, is all."

"You grate on my nerves all the time, and as much as I hate to admit it, you're not evil…"

He held his chest, acting pained. "Oh, that hurt me! You shot me right in the heart, you vile, evil woman!"

"Keep blabbing and I'll do it for real…"

They sat quietly for a little while, Nero and Trish munching on popcorn.

"…What the HELL is he doing to that satellite?!" Dante exclaimed.

"He's hacking into it."

"Is that what you call it?" he asked, a smirk on his face.

"Okay, fine, a robot is linking up with a satellite in a very sexual way. What are you gonna do about it?"

"What I usually do in these kinds of situations." He pulled out a large bottle of alcohol.

"You carry that around in case you see something disturbing?"

"You don't?" he asked, taking a swig.

"…Okay, you've got me there."

"You're welcome to have some if you like."

She smirked. "It wouldn't last long with the way you drink."

"Ah, don't worry. There's plenty more where this came from."

"…How much more ARE you carrying?"

He grinned. "Plenty more."

She gaped at him.

-"But who are YOU to judge what's best for US?"-

Nero quirked an eyebrow. "A gigantic robot with a cannon five times the size of your head?"

"A machine with a foot bigger than most living organisms?" Ichigo offered.

"An alien with an arm almost as big as my-" Dante began, but paused. "You know, that gun is getting really annoying."

Lady glared at him, holding her pistol calmly. "Stop making innuendo and I'll stop pointing it at you."

-"Soldier, you're paid to shoot, not talk." "Don't tempt me…"-

"What kind of idiot insults someone that kills multi-ton death machines for a living?" Urahara wondered aloud.

"An arrogant prick?" Lady suggested.

"A pompous fool?" Rukia added.

"An asshole?" Dante supplied.

Urahara grinned. "All of the above, then."

-"So, what do we know so far?"-

"Exposition, exposition, get it out A.S.A.P…" Urahara, Yoruichi, Trish, and Lady sang.

"So if this is classified," Dante thought aloud, "why is this idiot blurting it out over a long-distance communication system?"

Rukia frowned. "I think you just answered your own question; because he's an idiot."

"You got that right…"

-"Decepticons, we have located the shard."-

"And…I'll get you next time, Gadget. Next time…" Ichigo rumbled in a deep voice.

"Raaaar…raaaaaaaar!" Yoruichi mewled.

-"Sounds to me like something's coming…"-

"Bwahaha! Captain Obvious strikes again!" Trish declared.

-"What if we leave…and you're wrong?"-

Dante grinned. "The leader of the Autobots: a quick-witted, down-and-dirty-fighting robot with the mass of a semi. You know, I'd join them if they existed…"

"I don't think they'd accept someone as small or as fleshy as you for a member," Nero said, chuckling. "But maybe you could be an honorary backup for their army."

" 'Backup for their army'? I sealed the Emperor of Hell away; I AM an army!"

-"Including girlfriends?" "Especially girlfriends."-

Lady's eyes widened. "Oh, no…there's another one!"

"Another what?" Dante asked.

"He's Sam…or what he used to be in the first movie…"

"Well, people probably tend to mature when they survive being attacked by giant, multi-ton robots…" Ichigo mumbled.

-"The Internet doesn't lie!"-

Trish snickered. "Suuuure. Just keep telling yourself that…"

Dante frowned. "I swear, it's like they're supposed to be symbolic of something. I just can't tell what…"

-"They baked it with reefer in it!"-

"Nero…" Kyrie whispered.

"Ichigo…" Rukia said.

"…what's reefer?" they asked in unison.

In response, both Nero and Ichigo palmed their faces, sighing.

-"His car…is a talking robot!! Hahahahaha!"-

Urahara frowned. "Um, marijuana doesn't work like that. Neither the effects or the speed of them…"

Yoruichi frowned. "And you would know because…?"

"In my line of work, you learn lots of little tidbits like that…"

-FOOM!-

"Oh, good," Ichigo remarked. "That was starting to get weird…at least we're back to normal."

"So, your definition of 'normal' is giant robots in space shooting dog-like robots down to earth?" Rukia said.

"Well, normal for Transformers," he said, scratching his head.

"…Are you sure that's a robot?" Dante asked. "Because if I didn't know better…"

Lady sighed. "It's an alien, not a demon." She wrinkled her nose. "Ugh, disgusting."

"Not really. I don't think robots can vomit," Trish pointed out.

"ALIEN robot, remember."

"Oh. Well…yuck."

Nero frowned. "And the point of that was…?" He watched as the small metal balls began forming into a shape. "Oh, great, a sentient alien razor blade. Because the giant dogs, vehicles, and satellites weren't enough. Can they transform into anything?"

"I would think so, if they are called 'Transformers'," Kyrie said softly.

Dante gaped at her. "Did…you just make a joke? Nero, you're slippin'; even your girlfriend is burnin' you!"

"Not as bad as I'm going to burn you…" Nero grumbled.

"Not in this theater, you won't," Yoruichi said sternly.

"HaHA! Now it's nighttime!" Trish called out.

"…A sentient alien razor blade…that can jump through people," Nero said, gaping at the screen. "Oh, yeah, I'm gonna have nightmares about this soon…"

"Hip-mounted guns…" Dante said to Lady thoughtfully. "Maybe I should try getting some of those; after all, in our line of work, the more firepower the better, right?"

"And how would you shoot them, genius?" she responded.

"…Magic?"

"Try again. And while you're at it, think of how much they're going to cost."

"You're not very fun sober."

"You're not very realistic ever."

-"Are you okay?" "No, uh…just gettin' a napkin for my drink."-

"Nothing says 'protagonist' like a descent into madness while scrawling an alien language," Trish remarked thoughtfully.

"Only in a Lovecraft story, I'm afraid," Lady shot back.

"A fair point, and well made," Trish nodded, grinning.

-"So how about…tonight, you pretend I'm your girlfriend…"-

Dante frowned. "Yeah, I WISH women acted like that."

Lady snorted. "Not everyone is as piggish as you. Besides, you said yourself he was smooth."

"And how am I piggish, exactly?"

"You offered a girl a 'shiny C-note' if she would take her top off and dance on the bar!"

"She was a stripper, and that was a very generous tip."

"But you didn't KNOW she was a stripper beforehand!!"

"Eh, details…"

-"We shouldn't stare…uh, share…"-

"Here's what I don't get," Dante stated. "If his car is an alien robot with a mind of its own, why couldn't he have it go with him, just not stay with him?"

"Not all heroes are perfect…" Trish said absently.

"And another thing…if this girl's coming onto him so strong, there's a simple solution. One girl has the hots for him, another has the hots for him, he gets both together…" He clapped his hands together. "BAM! Threesome."

Lady sighed. "I'm only not shooting you now because you have no idea how girls work. When this movie's over, though, I will, and then explain to you all the things that are wrong with that statement."

"…Trish?"

"You're not dragging me into a threesome…" she said, winking. "…discussion, that is."

"Um…awkward."

"Not really," Ichigo piped up.

WHAP!

Rukia sighed, pulling her hand back. "Yes, really."

-"We're not cheating…not yet…"-

"SUCCUBUS!!" Trish yelled, pointing at the screen.

"No, she's just really, really, really, really, really…" Dante trailed off. "Okay, maybe."

"HaHA! Now it's daytime!"

"Quit that, you."

-"I am not some alien ambassador. I'm a normal kid with normal problems."-

Nero snorted. "Your Camaro is an alien robot, kid. Your problems ain't anywhere near normal."

Ichigo nodded. "Plus, you've got the chance to argue why having giant transforming alien robots on your planet is a good thing. How can you lose?"

-"Sam, Fate rarely calls upon us at a moment of our choosing." "You're Optimus Prime."-

"And you're turning your back on a giant robot that puts bullets through aliens the size of excavators!!" Dante exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air. "How are none of you people realizing the awesomeness in front of you?!"

"Um, hon, you do realize that you've killed things roughly the same size before, right?" Trish asked.

"But they were demons, not transforming alien robots!"

"Demons to them might be just as far-fetched as transforming alien robots are to us," she pointed out.

"Which is why I kill the bastards," Dante explained patiently.

"Wait, how did that fisherman not hear the giant robot hit the ship?" Rukia asked.

"Well, you see, after being at sea so long, he's lost all sense of hearing," Trish offered.

"That's an even worse excuse than magic."

"Oh. Then it was magic."

Rukia's eyebrow twitched.

-"Need parts!…Kill ze little one!"-

Trish gasped. "Oh, no! Not ze little one! He was my favorite!"

Yoruichi tilted her head. "But isn't the tiny one 'ze little one'?"

"He means ze ozzer little one."

"But the one on the left was smaller than ze little one…" she shook her head. "Okay, stop that."

"Stop what?" Trish asked innocently.

Nero grinned. "So the way alien robots perform CPR is stabbing a robot in the chest with a metal shard? Nifty."

-"…now holds six contacts…"-

Dante frowned. "Wait, that's not right. If five went down, they killed ze little one, and brought the big one back up, there should still only be five…" He sighed, taking another swig of alcohol. "Ahh. Never mind."

Trish rubbed her chin. "Maybe they could detect the remnants of ze little one and Megatron."

"But ze little one wasn't rising up, and they said six contacts coming up fast."

Yoruichi palmed her forehead. "Ugh, not you too…"

-"Starscream…I'm home!"-

Lady grinned. "Well, if robots can have sexual tension…I guess that Mr. Decepticon Molester violating that satellite was just as wrong as we thought…"

-"Even in death, there is no command but MINE!"-

Lady gasped. "NOO! He killed ze little hatchling one!"

Yoruichi gripped her head tightly. "Oh, hell, it's spreading…"

-"And you will, my apprentice…in time."-

"The son of Skyw-er, Prime must not become a Jed-er, victorious," Urahara rasped.

-"Without Energon, the hatchlings will keep dying."-

Dante frowned. "So…can these things reproduce, or…you know what?" He took a long drink from his bottle. "Magic."

-"Space! Time! Gravity!"-

"Strangeness!" Nero barked.

"Arrogance!" Lady yelled.

"Overacting!" Trish shouted.

Kyrie frowned. "Why would she eat something that fell on the ground?"

Rukia shrugged. "You got me. Personally, I think that's disgusting."

-"Young man, there are no questions until I've reached the climax of my lecture."-

Lady snorted. "Wouldn't be the first guy that wouldn't stop until the climax…"

Dante grinned. "And you call ME the pervert. You hypocrite…"

-"I will not be 'punked' in front of the dean."-

Yoruichi frowned. "Wait, so he took a bite out of his apple, let it bounce off his foot and onto the floor, flirted openly with a student, and made several innuendo…in front of the dean?!"

Urahara nodded. "Guy's got balls, doesn't he?"

-"I am the Alpha and the Omega"…-

"You are the arrogant and the deluded," Rukia snorted, shaking her head.

-"Hey, Bones! You hungry?"-

Dante grinned. "Hey, Lady, it's just what you wanted! More robots with wheels for feet!"

Her eyebrow twitched.

-"Something just happened to me!" "What, you finally hit puberty?"-

Lady grinned. "I'm starting to like that girl…"

Ichigo tilted his head. "But Sam's mom said that he'd got his 'cherry popped'. Wouldn't that mean that he'd already gone through puberty, or at least far enough to get an erec-"

"AH-HEM!" Nero cleared his throat loudly.

-"You're hot, but you ain't too bright."-

Trish gasped. "Oh, NO! They've converted Spongebob to the Decepticon army! Quick, we need jellyfish, stat!"

Dante blinked. "What the hell are you babbling about?"

-"OW! That's my EYE, you crazy b****!"-

Dante frowned. "Yeah, I can see why Lady would like her…"

"Stop torturing Evil Spongebob!" Trish yelled. "He's locked in a vise and you burned his eye out! We're just lucky that as a sponge, he can regenerate…"

"Okay, first off, no. Second, stop making references I don't get!"

"Hey, blame Mundus for giving me pop cultural awareness!"

Ichigo winced. "Boy, they'd never get away with this kind of thing if all the characters were people…"

-"And have any strangers given you anything suspicious to carry on?" "…No."-

Trish sighed. "Ah, it's so nice to see the advancements in airport security in action."

Lady chuckled. "What, you're surprised about that when Dante can carry a sword in a guitar case? Which I still don't get why you'd need to do, by the way…"

-"…and it repeats itself and repeats itself and repeats itself and repeats itself and repeats itself and repeats itself kitten calendar kitten calendar kitten calendar…"-

"This is the part in the story where our hero loses his mind," Lady remarked.

"Oh, dear. I do hope he finds it again," Trish mused.

-"Sam, I knew there was something special about you."-

"So her turn-ons include mental breakdowns and alien languages?" Nero remarked.

"Keep in mind, this is AFTER the Camaro gave her head trauma and leaked antifreeze on her," Urahara added.

"Wow. She IS a trooper."

-"And I know you know what happens when two people in a room get together…"-

"…They shoot each other?" Dante offered.

-"They're genuinely amazing…"-

"In bed, right?" he snickered.

-"…in bed."-

"HA! Called it!" he cheered. "It's like the fortune cookie game on the big screen!"

-"I have needs, Sam…"-

"…In bed," Dante interjected helpfully.

-Hssssss…-

"I KNEW IT!" Trish yelled, standing up. "SUCCUBUS!" she screamed, pointing at the screen.

"Trish, that's a metal tail," Lady pointed out.

"Oh." She sat down, looking extremely put out.

-"You're very aggressive…"-

"…In bed," Dante supplied helpfully.

"That's the idea, Corporal Obvious," Lady snarled.

"What, I'm not good enough to be a captain?"

"Short answer: no. Long answer: nooooooo-"

"Very funny."

-"I can explain everyth-" "GROOARR!"-

"Little too much tongue for my taste," Dante commented.

"I think that's too much tongue for anyone's taste," Urahara piped up. "…No pun intended."

-"She's an alien robot! You gotta run!" "For real?!"-

Lady palmed her face. "No, she just has face paint to make it look like her face peels off and forms a metal exoskeleton. YES, IT'S REAL!!"

-"…it smelled like diesel! It had a dieselly tinge…" "Oh, you're such a little girl!"-

Ichigo snorted. "Double standard much?"

-"I'm the key to this! The aliens, they want me 'cause of my site!"-

"No, they want the other you. The one with a backbone," Nero corrected.

"Ya know, for all this talk about Sam being the one with a backbone, he sure screamed like a little girl…" Dante commented thoughtfully.

" 'Backbone' doesn't mean 'impressiveness'. Sometimes even brave people have their moments…" Rukia responded.

"Enough of your silly philosophy! BEHOLD! The truth is found in explosions! And fire! And fiery explosions!"

-"Back up the car, back up the car!"-

"WHAT did I say about the tongue?!" Dante exclaimed. "No means no!"

-"Saaaaaaaam!!"-

Nero rolled his eyes. "Oh, quit whining. We do crap like that all the time."

"We also have magical powers and the ability to heal from otherwise fatal wounds," Trish pointed out. "Him…not so much."

"…Touché."

-"It feels good to grab your flesh."-

Dante sighed. "And now it's weird again."

-"Doctor. Examine this…alien specimen."-

Ichigo gasped in mock outrage. "Never! Not when your last diagnosis was 'kill ze little one'!"

Nero frowned. "But zere is no little one zis time."

Yoruichi pulled on her hair in frustration. "It's an epidemic, I swear!" As long as the girls besides Trish and Lady are immune…

-Snap, snap!-

Rukia's eyes widened. "Oh, no…he is going to kill ze little one again!"

Kyrie turned her head away. "I don't want to see them kill ze little ones!"

Yoruichi banged her head against Urahara's shoulder.

"Hey, you still have me," he consoled her.

"Oh, hell," Lady growled. "They're re-enacting the interrogation scene from the Matrix. Damn you, Hugo Wea-er, Megatron, you sick bastard!"

"…Ewwww…" the ladies remarked in unison.

Dante shrugged. "Well, at least it can't get any weirder."

SLAP!

"You IDIOT!" Lady exclaimed. "You just HAD to say it!!"

-"We need ze brain on ze table! Chop, chop!"-

Lady sighed. "See, this is the crap that happens when you open your mouth."

-CRASH!-

Nero sighed. "You know, I think every time they want to end a weird scene, they just add a Transformer crashing into something."

Urahara rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Hmm…you may have something there…"

"SHH," Dante said, holding a finger to his lips. "The giant robots are fighting."

"Why is it you're quiet during the action, but you keep talking during the plot?"

"I only talk when I don't understand."

"…Oh."

They sat in silence for a little bit as Optimus Prime punched away at Megatron. Dante began grinning when Optimus heaved a tree into his opponent, and grinned even wider when the blade came out of Optimus's arm.

-"Decepticons!"-

They were quiet for a little bit longer. "BOOT TO THE HEAD!" Trish called out. "…sorry, Dante."

"It's fine," he said, waving her off.

For a few minutes, the only sounds they made were chewing (in Nero's, Yoruichi's, Trish's, and Ichigo's case) or drooling (in Dante's and Urahara's case).

-"Is the future of our race not worth a single human life?" "You'll never stop at one!" SHINK! "I'll take you ALL ON!!"-

"Oh, YES…" Dante gushed.

-"Piece of TIN…"-

"…Did he-?"

Lady sighed. "Yes, Dante. He ripped a Decepticon's head apart using two hooks."

"…On a completely unrelated topic, I think I found a new fighting tactic…"

-"You're so WEAK!"-

"…"

"…"

"…"

"NOOOO!" Dante wailed. "They killed the only one that was close to being as cool as me!!"

Lady frowned. "Why are you shocked? Optimus dies all the ti-"

"No TV," Trish pointed out.

"Ah. Um…we're sorry for your loss…"

They were all quiet for some time.

---

INTERMISSION

---

-THUNK!-

"Oh, you DICKS!" Dante exclaimed. "After all Optimus has done for you, you just drop him like a hunk of scrap metal?"

"Well, it IS a corpse…" Nero said hesitantly.

"This is NO time for logic!" He sighed. "Go back to blowing stuff up. That always makes me feel better."

-"Lower your weapons!" "Tell them to lower THEIRS."-

He sighed. "A noble effort, but it's just not the same. Besides, you really wanna be the dumbass pointing a single 5.56 mm rifle at five plus advanced alien robots that have CUT A CAR IN HALF before? I know the military is trained to follow orders, but I can't believe- Oh, no, it's the other dick…"

-"…we will explore every possible diplomatic solution…"-

"Ah, yes," Ichigo growled. "Walk up to the alien death machine and ask it nicely to leave. 'Cause THAT'S a good plan."

-"I really don't like that dude…he's an assHOLE."-

"THANK YOU!" Ichigo, Urahara, Nero, and Dante cried out in unison.

-"I had a bit of a mild panic attack earlier…" "That's 'cause you a p****."-

Dante blinked. "It's like they're taking the words right out of my mouth. Was Sam really that bad in the first movie?"

Trish shrugged. "Not really; they're kind of playing it up to show how much he's matured."

"Ah."

-"I think I know someone who can help…" "Who?"-

"Batman!" Trish answered.

-"Everything about anything alien, he's supposed to know."-

Trish raised an eyebrow. "Wow…and that was just a guess…"

"No, it's…GAH! It's John Turturro again!" Lady exclaimed.

"You mean Simmons?"

She looked at Trish blankly. "Let's face it, he's John Turturro."

"Okay, okay…"

-"You gotta be kidding me."-

"No, this cameo is happening, and you can't stop its awesomeness," Trish said fiercely.

-"Found these symbols all around the world...China, Egypt, Greece!"-

"Japan! Timbuktu! Zimbabwe! America-no wait, that was just a drunk archaeologist by the name of 'Jones'…"

"Shut it, Ichigo!" Lady growled.

-"How did they end up drawing the same thing?"-

"Plagiarism," Yoruichi suggested.

-"Aliens!"-

"That…works too, I guess," she shrugged, eating more Milk Duds.

-"That I…was…obsessed! Can you imagine that?-

"No need," Rukia chortled. "The demonstration's working quite well on its own."

-"And I'm not on speaking terms with any Decepticons…" "Actually…I am."-

"If by 'speaking terms', you mean 'burnt the eye out of and locked in a toolbox', that is," Nero pointed out.

-"I'm sorry about your eye."-

"No, you're not," Urahara said quickly.

-"But if you're a good boy, I'm not gonna torch your other eye."-

Dante shuddered. "It's always the pretty ones that get the weirdest. No wonder you liked her, Lady." WHACK! "That was unnecessary."

-"All I ever wanted to be was an astronaut." RRIPP!-

"GAAH! DO NOT WANT!" the men yelled out together.

"Speak for yourself…" Trish mumbled.

-ZZZZZZZZZZ!-

Trish sighed. "Electricity doesn't work that way…"

Dante winced. "Oooh…right in the testicles. Poor bastard."

-"HOW many times can you get TASED in the NUTS…before you CAN'T have KIDS?"-

"I don't know," Nero mumbled, "but I don't care to find-"

"Eight, with typical settings."

Everyone turned to stare at Urahara.

"What?!" he shouted.

-"Yo, freshman! Point the shard, and watch the magic happen…"-

Trish shuddered. "Evil Spongebob is creepy when he's excited."

-"It's a Decepticon!"-

Urahara gulped. "Oh…shitbees."

Lady blinked. "What-bees?!"

-"Behold! The eternal glory of…JETFIRE."-

"Mmm…ham…" Trish said, licking her lips.

-" 'Earth' ? What kind of name for a planet is 'Earth'? Might as well call it 'Dirt'!"-

"Well, it also goes by Gaea, Terra, Chikyu…" Yoruichi trailed off.

-"Who's your little Autobot?"-

Lady tilted her head. "Huh. Well, Dante, I will say that even with all your pickup lines and innuendo, you've always stopped short of humping my leg."

He nodded. "Not for lack of wanting, mind you."

"Ah, the double standard strikes back," Ichigo said casually, slurping up another licorice straw.

-"My father, he was a wheel. The FIRST wheel! Do you know what he transformed into?" "What?" "NOTHING! But he did so with honor! Dignity, DAMMIT!"-

"Oh, a large ham…delicious," Trish said, grinning.

"I don't think they should be taking dignity advice from a robot that just farted out a parachute," Nero said wryly.

"Maybe that was intentional, for the sake of irony," Kyrie suggested.

Ichigo nodded. "Yeah. If you want to see dignity in action, go find Byakuya. He doesn't scream about 'eternal glory' or cut one loose at odd times."

A picture formed in Rukia's mind of exactly that…and she began giggling madly.

-"Hold on, everybody! Stay still or you'll DIE!"-

"No pressure!" Yoruichi added helpfully.

Lady gasped. "Oh, no…a deserted wasteland with nothing of value for miles around…they've been transported to Dante's mind!"

He rolled his eyes. "Bahahahaha…"

Ichigo sighed. "Now that's just ridiculous…none of us landed on each other like that when we entered Soul Society."

Yoruichi chuckled. "Good thing, too, as there were three girls and five guys…"

Three? Dante thought to himself. Orihime, Lady, and…who? He shuddered. On second thought, maybe I don't want to know.

"Where did she get that gauze?", she added, chewing more candy.

-"…by our earliest ancestors, millennium ago…"-

"A millennium or more than one? 'Cause I get flack about saying 'millenniums' WAY too often," Dante grumbled.

"Alien robot, remember?" Trish prodded.

"…that's this movie's version of magic, isn't it?"

"YOU meet an alien robot and then we'll see what they can do."

-"Do you have any idea what it's like to fall apart and DIE?"-

Ichigo frowned. "Well, yeah. Matter of fact, we probably die sooner than they do…"

-"…called the Matrix of Leadership."-

Dante frowned. "Weren't you talking about that earlier, Lady?"

She shook her head. "Wrong Matrix."

-"A great battle took place over possession of the Matrix."-

"But in the end, the Fanboy Legionnaires were defeated, and the Wachowskis reigned supreme," Trish said solemnly.

Dante looked from Trish to Lady several times, then shrugged and settled on draining the rest of his bottle and pulling out a fresh one.

-"The Fallen was stronger than his brothers, so they had no choice but to steal and hide it from him."-

"His brothers were kind of dicks that way," Nero informed them.

-"Only a Prime can defeat The Fallen." "Optimus Prime?"-

Dante drew in breath sharply. "Oooh, too soon for destiny talk."

-"…be somehow used to re-activate Optimus and bring him back to life?"-

Dante's face began to light up. "Then again…"

-"It was never designed for that purpose…"-

He scoffed. "You can't touch such awesomeness with your pithy logic! We're bringing back Awesomus Prime, dammit!"

"Optimus Prime," Trish corrected gently.

"…Isn't that what I said?"

"Of course it is, sweetie. Of course it is…"

-"…divides Egypt and Jordan like the tip of a blade."-

"If by 'Jordan', you mean 'Israel'," Lady corrected irritably.

-"This is what's called blendin' in like a ninja."-

"Says the gigantic alien robot perched on top of a stone wall," Nero added.

-"It's me! Leo! Leo! Leo!"-

Lady gasped. "What? Could it be…Leo? I had no idea!"

-"Oh, great, a freakin' munchkin. Little people are mean…tell him he's tall!"-

"Ignoring the borderline discrimination," Lady said slowly. "wouldn't that just piss him off worse?"

"Never said it was good advice," Trish commented. "He's not the sharpest screw in the set."

"Hey!" Nero exclaimed at the screen. "Easy on the alie-uh, I mean, 'Camaro'. Yeaahhh, that's definitely what I meant."

-"You gotta blend in wit' your surroundin's. Gotta be part 'o da landscape."-

"Again, says the gigantic alien robot tiptoeing through the sand," Nero remarked.

-"Being my girlfriend is hazardous to your health." "Yeah, well, girls like dangerous boys."-

"Yeah…" Rukia and Lady both sighed.

-"Pyramids…" "Why do boys always change the subject?"-

"Well, usually, we stay on the same subject and refuse to change it," Urahara stated flatly, "but I suppose there is an 'End of the World' special exemption."

-"They all point due east, towards Jordan. The mountains of Petra."-

"And by 'due east', we mean 'about 258 miles due east'," Lady said, shaking her head. "For all they knew, the Tomb could've been in Israel."

Dante shrugged. "Yeah, but what's all in Israel?"

"…Please tell me you're not serious."

"I'm not serious," he said, grinning. "Seriously."

-"Alright, team, grab your chutes!"-

"Ta-da!" Trish announced cheerfully. "Optimus has disappeared!"

Dante sighed. "That's great Trish, but-"

"Ta-da! Now he's reappeared!"

"Okay, Trish, that's-"

"Now he's disappeared!"

"Look, dammit, I'm telling-"

"Now he's reappeared!"

Dante opened his bottle of alcohol, taking a large swig.

"…Did you say something?" she asked sweetly.

Glug, glug…

-"Not now, we're on the plane, you dumbass!!" "AAAAHHH!"-

All the guys (plus Yoruichi) applauded loudly, Nero even whistling.

-"Have we checked these coordinates?" "Egypt, sir."-

Lady's eye began twitching violently. "If by 'Egypt', you mean 'Jordan'…it's circled and everything!"

Dante patted her on the back. "Easy, girl…"

-"Bumblebee, what-" CRASH! THUMP! "…Now that's rude."-

"But effective," Nero pointed out.

-"Bee!" CRRRRRRRRRR…BOOM!-

"Ancient ruins exploration made efficient, and all it took was a transforming Camaro with a big gun," Urahara mused.

-"The Tomb of the Primes…"-

"You know, the music seems just a bit too peppy for a tomb," Trish commented.

-"The Matrix…"-

"They've managed to condense Keanu Reeves down to such small levels…they truly were an advanced race," Trish said reverently.

-Sssss…-

Dante's mouth dropped open.

Lady raised an eyebrow. "Okay, that one surprised me."

"They just don't make resurrecting artifacts like they used to…" Urahara sighed.

"They must've taken tips from Mayuri," Yoruichi noted dryly.

"Duuuust in the wiiiiind…" Ichigo sang softly.

Rukia expressed her feelings the best she could. "Huh."

"Oh, my," Kyrie remarked.

"Well, that sucks," Nero remarked.

-"The voices and the symbols in my head lead us here for a purpose."-

"Yeah, that line never works for me," Urahara said. "Just the opposite, actually; people tend to back away very slowly…"

-"You think you can bring him back to life with that pixie dust?" "Absolutely."-

"Well, I'm rootin' for ya, kid," Dante said.

-BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!-

He smiled. "YES! Now it is fighty time, fighty time…"

Trish smiled. "That's cute and all, but if you use Shoryuken on me while I'm watching the movie, I will zap you in the balls."

"Firstly…what the hell? Secondly…what the hell? And lastly…what the HELL?!"

-"OWOWOWOW!" THUD! "I can't take this guy anymore!"-

"DON'T TAZE ME, BRO!" Trish shouted.

"Look! It's as if Lady carried a taser!" Nero quipped.

Dante held up his hand. "Look! It's as if I wasn't punching you!"

-"I'll draw their fire with Huey and Dewey there. You get to those soldiers."-

Trish sighed. "I hate myself for doing this, but since I forgot to during the first movie, the other way of looking at it is that you need to GIT TO DA CHOPPA!!"

Lady sighed. "Ugh."

"…I know."

-"You tased me! You owe me!" "That was a test. You passed, alright?"-

"Yes, a test," Rukia said, tenting her fingers. "I was…determining how long you could withstand electrical shocks while under duress, and was in no way trying to silence you. Yeeessss, we'll go with that…"

-"How is it that we can't reach our men, but he can reach me from some random, Egyptian desert?"-

"He's such an asshole, he warps the laws of reality, bending things toward himself," Urahara posited.

"Kinda like a 'Warp Ass-Hole'," Ichigo suggested.

"YES!" Trish cheered.

"Again with the 'Egyptian'?!" Lady cried. "Petra is in Jordan, for crying out loud!!"

"Easy, Lady, easy…" Dante soothed her.

-"I don't think he's following us anymore." "That's what you think."-

"Whereas I've been in one of these movies before," Nero said in a deep voice, "and so I would know exactly when we're not being followed."

Yoruichi frowned. "Okay, if they know that their enemies take the forms of vehicles, why would they park right next to gigantic construction vehicles?"

"They're not the ones driving," Urahara offered.

"The point remains, then; why would the Autobots park next to the gigantic construction vehicles?"

"Well, they're not exactly the brightest bulbs in the array…"

She sighed. "Yeah, I guess not…"

-"Decepticons…"-

"ATTACK!" Trish finished.

-"Begin our assault!"-

"Aww…it's just not the same…" she pouted.

- "How many…?" "Thirteen of 'em…"-

"Look, it's Bonecrusher!" Lady said, pointing at the screen.

Ichigo shook his head. "Nah. Gotta be his younger brother or something. They can come back from a lot, but decapitation seems pretty permanent."

"Maybe he was only mostly dead."

"This is no time for a Princess Bride session; it's about to turn into a war zone!"

"Aww, you're no fun…"

Dante shook his head. "You dirty, dirty hypocrite…"

-"Is that good?" "Lotta people died…"-

All the males' mouths dropped open at the ensuing spectacle.

"You know, I heard the computer they designed this on melted," Trish remarked casually.

"Is that right?" Lady said lightly. "I heard it was several."

She shrugged. "Well, one way or another, at least one computer conked out just making this." She looked to her right. "You okay?"

Dante just stared dreamily at the screen. "Oh, yeah…"

-"What if it doesn't work?" "It's gonna work." "But what if it doesn't?" "It'll work."-

"Trust me, I read the script," Ichigo said forcefully.

Trish shoveled popcorn into her mouth with fervor. Dammit, he beat me to it!!

-ZZZZZZZZ!-

"Rip off the wings of a micro-fly," Nero sang.

"Nah, just the head," Urahara piped up.

Dante frowned. "So…why didn't they just have Bumblebee drive them over to Optimus?"

Lady sighed. "Because it's sand, and the only way they can get traction is by walking in their- wait, why do you keep asking me all this stuff?"

"Because you're smart enough to answer intelligently," he said simply.

"...Idiot," she whispered, a light blush creeping up.

"Besides, Trish is the only other one who knows anything about these movies, and since she's stuffing her face-"

"WHAT?!" Trish squawked, cheeks bulging out like a squirrel's. She gulped, getting all but a few kernels of popcorn down, the rest of which promptly fell on the floor. "I was not STUFFING my face…"

Urahara snorted.

She ignored him. "I was just really enjoying the movie, that's all!"

"Suuuuuure…"

-"I don't think the soldiers know we're here…"-

"HaHA! Now it's overcast!" Trish called out gleefully.

"Trish, we get-" Dante started.

"HaHA! Now it's clear-skies!"

"Knock that off!" he growled.

-"Mean robots SUCK."-

Ichigo's eyes widened. "It's like the Hoover from Hell. Also, another pun for the collection."

- "I don't wanna die! I don't wanna…Kung-fu grip!"-

"YES!" Trish yelled. "G.I.…nooo!"

Dante sighed with relief. "Good. He was kind of getting on my nerves."

"So you're glad to see the twin of a good guy fall to his death, then?" Lady blurted out. Oh, hell. So much for tact.

Dante blinked, utterly wrong-footed. "Did…you…"

-THUNK! CRASH! "You're NEVER eatin' me! I'm gonna BUST…yo…FACE up!!"-

Lady breathed a sigh of relief. Good…that conversation always ends up ruining an evening. I was an idiot for brining it up… "I guess he wasn't dead after all…"

"Well…" Dante said. "Okay. He's redeemed himself a little bit…but just a little!" he added hurriedly.

They sat in silence for a little while. Trish finished her popcorn and Yoruichi her Milk Duds, while Rukia sipped her soda.

-"This is what you want."-

Trish nodded, wiping the crumbs off her face. "Yes, the Autobot Tube Sock of Leadership…"

-"BUMBLEBEE!"-

Nero nodded in agreement. "Yeah, that's it! Float like a butterfly, sting like a…oh, right…"

Ichigo smirked at the screen. "Bumblebee Chiropractic Services. Serving Decepticons since 2007."

"Try to detect it!" Trish sang, bouncing in her chair.

"It's not too late!" Urahara called out.

"To whip it!" Yoruichi chimed in.

"Whip it good!" Dante finished, grinning.

"Aaa-ACHOO!" Kyrie sneezed, just at the moment when…

"HOLY…!"

"Did you see that?"

"I guess you weren't kidding about that Chiropractor thing, Nero…Damn."

Kyrie sniffled. "W-What? Did I miss something?"

Nero gulped. "Um…that dog-like Decepticon tried to sneak up on Bumblebee, and he…well…took care of it."

"Oh." She shrugged. It was probably nothing…

They sat quietly for a little while again.

-"You gotta let me go, Dad. You have to let me go…You have to."-

"Wow…this is really kind of emotional…" Ichigo remarked.

"Oh, the irony…" Rukia mumbled.

"Hey, WAIT!" Dante exclaimed. "If he's trying to evacuate them in Bumblebee, he could've used him to get to Optimus quicker!"

"But then his parents probably would've been killed," Lady pointed out.

"But he wouldn't have KNOWN that!!"

She blinked. "…You know, I think you're right."

"…Seriously?"

"Well, in the context and all that…"

-"We got Jordanians!!" BOOM!-

"Not anymore," Urahara observed dryly.

-"Remember what I did for my country. This is my moment…"-

Lady sighed dramatically. "Oh, John Turturro, you shall never be forgotten. We shall remember how you bravely threatened to keep a girl's father in jail, how you selflessly streaked into an aeronautical museum, how you heroically went over plot structure with an aging robotic entity…"

"To be fair, he also helped decapitate an evil alien robot that moved faster than most people, provided valuable information to the last known Allspark interface, and…is doing whatever he's doing now," Trish ranted. "Plus, it's John Turturro. You can't help but love the guy."

"Well, you've got me there…" she allowed.

-"Predator Zero-One…"-

"Except that it's a REAPER!!" Lady shouted angrily.

"Hey, I'm sure it's an honest mistake," Ichigo said hurriedly.

"Lady, maybe you get a little too nerdy with your tech…" Dante added cautiously.

She sighed. "Maybe so. It just pisses me off, is all…"

"Like when people immediately assume my last name is 'Sparda'?"

"Yes, exactly like that."

"Oooo…that rough, huh?"

-"Follow us, we'll take you to the pillars."-

"Again, why can't he just ride on them?" Dante asked, exasperated.

-BOOM!-

"That's why," Rukia pointed out.

"But there's two more…" he grumbled. He shook his head, guzzling down more liquor.

-"…Alright, Agent Simmons, I'm listening."-

"You know, to that guy's credit, he's taking the news of possible solar destruction pretty well," Yoruichi remarked.

"Again, I am baffled how smooth these guys can be," Dante said, shaking his head. "It's like they're coated in…uh…something that would make them smoother," he said, shrugging. "The point is, they're good."

The only sounds for a minute or so were the crunching of Nero's popcorn, the sipping of Rukia's soda, and the slurping as Ichigo finished his last strawberry sour straw.

-"Incoming!!"-

Trish licked her lips. "Ah, the giant ham returns. How we've missed you, and your juicy hamminess…"

-"Behold the glory of JETFIRE!"-

Dante blinked. "The old guy's really kickin' some ass, isn't he?"

-rrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRR-

"Aw, hell," Trish blurted.

"What?" Dante asked.

"It's Scorponok," Lady responded, her eyes wide. "He's one of the few Decepticons that survived the first movie. He's vicious, deadly, ruthless."

-CRUNCH! "I'm too old for this crap."-

"…"

Dante grinned. "And now he's flat. Guess he didn't survive this movie…"

Nero frowned. "For all the buildup, that was surprisingly depressing."

"Yeah," Ichigo agreed, nodding. "And what the hell happened to Barricade?!"

"…Who?"

"The Shelby Mustang."

"…Who?"

He sighed. "The cop from the first one."

"Oh…wait, I thought he died."

"That was the video game, not the movie."

-"I am directly beneath…the enemy scrotum!"-

Dante blinked. "But there wasn't even any wrecking balls on his original components…"

"But it's funny," Trish supplied.

"But it doesn't make any-"

"But…it's funny."

Lady frowned. "Why is he climbing up the pyramid if they're using a rail gun, anyway? It's not like you can punch in coordinates and pull the trigger. It's more like an actual GUN; you know, with the aiming."

"…alien technology?" Trish volunteered.

Dante responded by taking another swig of booze.

-"Hope these F-16's got good aim." "Yeah, why's that?" "I told 'em to hit the orange smoke." "…You mean that orange smoke?" "It wasn't my best toss, okay?"-

"Once again, their cool-headedness is nothing short of astounding," Yoruichi stated.

Urahara smirked. "Yeah, you'd fit right in with 'em."

-BOOM! BOOM! "Die!" BOOM!-

Dante blinked. "Oh, crap, they killed him…"

Lady quirked an eyebrow. "Well, that's strange…"

" 'Strange' is putting it mildly…"

They sat, staring at the screen with rapt attention.

-"Sam! SAAM!!"-

…Even more so.

-"Sam, listen to my voice…I love you…and I need you…please…"-

"He's dead, Jim- er, Mikaela," Trish said quietly.

-"Am I dead?"-

Yoruichi frowned. "Well, that seemed to be the general message they were sending us…"

-"The Matrix is not found…"-

Trish nodded sagely. "No, you cannot be told what the Matrix is…you have to-"

"Cut that out!" Dante snapped.

"Educate yourself," she replied in a sing-song tone.

"By watching movies?" he asked dubiously.

"You can learn lots of stuff from movies. Mostly what not to do."

-"YAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" zzzzZZZOOM!-

"YEAH, baby!" Dante whooped. "The big guy's BACK!"

-Myyy Matrix…-

"DAMMIT!"

"Easy now," Trish said softly. "Don't jump to conclusions so quickly."

-"Now, I claim your sun!!"-

"…"

"Well, Optimus is still alive," she ventured.

His face brightened. "Very true!…What the…telekinesis?! From a robot?!"

"ALIEN robot!" everyone else chorused.

Glug, glug, glug…

-"Take my parts…and you will have a power you've never known…Fulfill…your destiny!"-

"NOO! Jetfire!" Trish wailed. "We'll always remember you as going out in a blaze of glory. Hammy and geriatric…" she admitted sadly. "…but GLORY!"

Dante began drooling again. "Is he actually…?"

-"Let's roll."-

Lady could hear the saliva dripping on the floor (and not just from Dante). "Ugh…control yourselves!"

-CHIK…BOOM!-

"Too late!" Dante said, giggling like a madman.

-"Die, like your brothers!" "They were your brothers, too!!"-

They sat in silence yet again.

-BOOM! CRASH!-

Dante scratched his chin. "Thrusters as a weapon, eh? Looks like someone's borrowing my moves now…" He winked at the screen. "It's all right, big guy. I don't mind."

-"You picked the wrong planet!…Give me your FACE!!"-

Dante's mouth hung open. Nero's eyes went wide. Ichigo and Lady both raised their eyebrows. And Trish fell into an uncontrollable giggling fit.

-"I rise…you fall."-

Urahara whistled lowly. "Damn. I'm sure glad he's on our side…"

Trish managed to compose herself. "Yes, he's a lot more ruthless than most other Primes, isn't he?"

Dante grinned from ear to ear. "Hey, it gets the job done! And let's be honest, saying that line to your enemies practically guarantees loss of bowel control. Give me your FACE!!" he roared.

Lady whacked him over the head. "The movie's not over yet, oh mighty one."

-"…Sometimes, cowards do…survive…" "This isn't over…"-

"Missster Anders-er, PRIME," Trish hissed.

-VVRRR…CLUNKUNKUNK!-

Dante gaped. "Okay, Jetfire died to give Optimus his parts, and once he wins, he just drops the thruster and gun like garbage?!"

"Well, if you think about it, he was basically wearing a corpse," Lady said pointedly. "If it was necessary to win, fine, but afterwards, it might feel kind of awkward…"

-"Thank you, Sam, for saving my life."-

"Yes, THANK YOU!" Dante declared. "You brought back the coolest giant alien robot ever! Just be careful or he might…Give me your FACE!!"

WHACK!

Lady sighed. "Idiot."

Trish frowned. "Aww…with the size of him on that carrier, he would be TINY compared to an EVA." Seeing Dante's look she shook her head. "Not Eva, EVA. Long story, but that's the size of an average skyscraper…"

He grinned. "Oooo, maybe we should watch that!"

Her eyes widened. "Not a chance. You have enough issues…"

"HEY!"

-"Our races, united by a history long forgotten; and a future we shall face together. I…am Optimus Prime, and I send this message so that our pasts will always be remembered. For in those memories…we live on."-

They cheered as the credits popped up.

"Ah, ah!" Trish said, waggling her finger. "It's not over yet." They saw Sam and Mikaela share a kiss. "Not yet…

-"Ah, so glad you could join us…Professor Einstein." "Yeah…I was kinda busy…"-

"Okay, now it's over," Trish declared. "So, what did you think?"

"I loved it!!" Dante raved.

"Eh, not bad," Lady allowed. "Pretty light on the plot, and they got so many things wrong…"

Dante gaped at her, then frowned. "You do realize that they'll never have it perfect anyway, right?"

"Doesn't mean there's no reason to try…"

Trish shrugged. "Fascinating. And the rest of you?"

"Liked it," Yoruichi responded.

"Liked it," Urahara agreed.

"It was good," Nero voiced.

"Um…I don't know if it was my particular taste…" Kyrie said, frowning.

Nero chuckled. "There's nothing wrong with that. We've all got different ones anyway, right?"

"I enjoyed it," Ichigo announced.

"It wasn't too bad," Rukia allowed. "If some people weren't talking the whole time…"

That set off a whole new round of bickering. Trish grinned. "Ah, our loving little family…"


Result: TIE!!

Well, then, that was a VERY uncharacteristically long chapter, now, wasn't it? I will honestly and shamelessly say that I borrowed and referenced from a LOT of things in this humble little omake, none of which I own (unless you count buying the candy, but that's still not the same as owning it).

The idea for doing an MST3K-style chapter came from a very cool reviewer of mine, Assault Godzilla. I thought it was neat when he mentioned it, but when I started thinking more seriously about it, I actually thought I could pull it off. So I started writing a little bit today to test it out, and...well, you can see the chapter for yourself. :-) So while I'm at it, I'll call this my Chinese New Year chapter. *grins*

On a more canonical note, the always watchful Drifter-747-X has caught yet another of my many mistakes. But I'm glad; better to be corrected and learn, I think. So, thank you, and while I hope to make less mistakes in the future, I hope you'll be patient enough to catch me when I do anyway.

So, to both Assault Godzilla and Drifter-747-X, I salute you.

-Small side note: Holy CRAP, was Trish OOC! I mean, everyone was, but Trish especially. I'm kind of embarassed about it, but I felt guilty that she's more or less only had a cameo in this fic, so I tried to let her have a little fun. Ah, well.

Anyway, the product of an all-nighter, a sugar high, and idea that would NOT leave lies before you (or behind you, as it were). As crazy and as poorly as I threw it together, I hope you like it all the same!