Huh...
(Sigh.) Jinjer, your pleas have touched my heart. So...an early chapter, just once, just for you.
But really though, things happen. I need a cushion, some chapters in the bank in case stuff comes up or I get writer's block or something. Knowing that I have a little slack sooths me. So don't...well...heck, ask all you want, but I'm not going to do it again. I'd run myself out of chapters and then it'd be two or three or four weeks between updates. That'll probably happen anyway, but I want to put it off as long as possible.
Next chapter on Friday as usual.
You know, I wanted to work in either Citadel or In My Head by Anna Nalick, but I just couldn't quite make them fit here. Maybe later. I am going to use Rob Thomas' Ever the Same soon. I really think it's perfect for them. I'd like to use a Hoobastank song sometime. I like the idea of Hoobastank, but the actual songs... Could still happen. I'm slowly coming around on Gwen Stefani. (Hey, I know most of you don't care about the music notes. But it's my AN.)
So. Major spoilers. Disclaimer: FFX isn't mine. (I keep telling you.) Follows the story, but kind of AU. (Think I should change the summary?) It's an Aurikku. (Didn't start that way.) This is about characters and the gradual building of a relationship.(But almost out of the 20s now.) Still-T-.
So--out of sequence--for Jinjer. Thank you for reviewing.
And really guys. Wear your seatbelts.
Soldier of Spira
Auron:
This was supposed to be a journey into my past. A kind of act of contrition for my failures. But at least one other reason that I came on this trip was to be away from the girl. I wanted to be away from her so that I could begin to sort out just what my feelings are for her, and then consider the appropriate response. I thought it would be easier when she wasn't around, that I could think more clearly. But it looks as though I'm not going to have that luxury. She followed me. And I believe now that this has become a sort of journey of discovery for the two of us. At the end of it we will both know more about the other and about both of us together.
It's not what I meant at all.
Am I happy she came?
I shouldn't be. But I am.
All the Broken People
Auron:
"Hey, Auron," the girl smiled, walking beside me. "What's Seymour's favorite kind of sandwich?"
We were moving steadily uphill. It was midmorning, a cool, sunny day on a mountain near Macalania.
"Guadosalami! Ha!"
She had been telling me horrible jokes for miles.
"Hey, Auron," she grinned, "Knock knock!"
She seemed happy and cheerful. I didn't say anything. She stepped closer and bumped me with her hip.
"Com'on! Knock knock!"
Frantically happy.
"Okay, you big meanie! Knock knock! (Deep Voice.) Who's there? Welc. Welc who? Welcome to Rin's, may I help you? Ha ha!"
Desperately cheerful.
"Hey Auron! What HUGE fiend did the guardian meet on the golf course?"
"A nine-iron giant."
"A nine...oh, uh...yeah. That's right."
"Rikku. Stop."
"Stop what?" she asked, looking down at the ground as she walked with her hands behind her back.
Rikku's Diary:
"Don't," he said.
"What?"
"You don't have to cheer me up, Rikku," he said. "You don't have to try so hard."
I felt the smile kind of fall away from my face while we walked. It felt a little strange, not to be smiling, but...also, sort of a relief, in a way. I guess...it really isn't all that easy, to be cheerful all the time.
But, I've been doing it for so long. It's hard now to do anything else.
So I didn't say anything for a long time after that, and neither did he. And I wasn't trying to be perky and upbeat and I didn't tell any jokes, or even sing. We just quietly walked next to each other up the side of the mountain, looking at the view sometimes, watching out for fiends, and just sort of keeping each other company. And you know, I guess it was kinda nice. We'd been walking for hours. And sometimes I'd look up at him. No reason, I just wanted to, and sometimes he looked at me.
I still didn't know where we were going, but we were together. And he let me hold his hand some of the time, like when we would have to climb over something and then he wouldn't let it go right away. That was nice.
You know, I had a dream last night, after I collapsed on the road and he carried me and cared for me and wrapped me up in his warm coat to sleep. I dreamed that I told him I loved him, and in my dream he said he loved me too. And I was the happiest that I've ever been in my life. Isn't that funny? The happiest I've ever been was in a dream. And being that happy didn't feel at all like I thought it would, but it felt amazing. And I know it was just a dream, but...
I glance over at him, and my heart skips, and I wonder...am I really falling in love with my best friend?
I woke up this morning wrapped all comfy in his big red coat. He was already up. I don't know if he had slept beside me or not, but I had a dim memory of something warm next to me in the night. Maybe it was just another nice dream. He was making breakfast, and he didn't even let me get up right away. He brought it to me while I was still rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, like breakfast in bed. I guess it wasn't much, really. Just mush, but he'd mixed some berries in with it. Anyway, it tasted wonderful to me. While I was eating he pulled up the bottom of his coat to look at my feet, holding them and turning them in his strong hands.
"They're better," he said.
"Well, I hope they didn't get any worse," I smiled, wagging my big toe at him.
He pulled the coat down to cover me up again, and said, "You rest a little, Rikku, then we'll get started."
"Both of us?" I asked quietly.
He nodded, sitting down next to me.
"Both of us."
Yesterday I had been so mad at him, because he had tried to run off and leave me behind. I suppose he guessed all along that I'd try to follow him. And I sorta thought it was FUNNY. I was mad, but I was also feeling all superior and smug and thinking he was being kind of a DOPE because he was trying to outrun me! I'm FAST! I'm a hundred times faster than slowpoke Auron! So I ran around him in circles. I ran around him singing. I ran backwards. I guess I wanted him to feel stupid for thinking he could outrun me and maybe I wanted to punish him a little for trying.
And then he just ran me into the ground.
"There's a little more, Rikku," he said, looking over at me. "Are you still hungry?"
"Huh?"
I saw that I had emptied the bowl, and I looked up at him and nodded, and he took it and got up to refill it and brought it back to me.
Yesterday he ran and ran for hours and never stopped and I know that if I wasn't here he'd run like that again today. You know, I thought I had Auron's measure, physically. Oh, not inside! I know the man has depths, and under those, more depths. And he'll always be able to surprise me with the things he knows. Auron's like an onion. Not stinky! I don't mean he's stinky. I mean there are layers to the man, and you peel off one and you find something even more interesting underneath. I think it might take someone a lifetime to get to know everything about Auron.
The little blonde girl that lives in the back of my head was jumping up and down, waving and shouting, Me, me, where do I sign up?
But that's inside Auron. On the outside I thought I pretty much knew all there was to know. He was a tough, strong fighter, with a few special ki-abilities. And that's about it. I didn't think there were any more surprises there. Certainly he wasn't fast. That just wasn't part of the Auron package. And I never would have thought that I would ever underestimate Auron. But I guess I did, and then he just ran me into the dirt.
I sat and ate my mush and watched him moving around, packing things up and getting ready to go. I guess...I really am going to slow him down after all. I didn't think I would, but I guess I will, but he hasn't said anything about it.
He turned and asked, "Are you finished, Rikku?"
And I looked down and saw that my bowl was empty again, so I guess I was.
So he picked up the big pack and I pulled on some new socks and my old, bloodstained shoes that he had tried to clean up while I was asleep, and I handed him his coat and we started up the mountain. I didn't ask where we were going. I guess I'll find out when we get there. And it was really kind of quiet on the mountain as we walked, with just the sound of the wind blowing through the leaves, so I did what I always do. I tried as hard as I could to fill up the silence with chatter and jokes and riddles and songs and smiles smiles smiles!
What do you call it when you have a little accident riding a chocobo? A chocobooboo.
What's black and sticky and all full of needles? Qactuar.
What do you call it when a jelly fiend is throwing flame spells at you? A flame flan fling.
And then he told me that I could stop. He said I didn't have to try so hard. I didn't have to entertain him. I didn't have to be so Rikku. I could just be...me. So I stopped. And after that we walked through the quiet together. I never really liked the quiet. I never liked being around quiet people. They made me nervous. I thought that if people were being quiet it meant they were sad and you had to cheer them up or who knows what might happen, you know?
And then I met Auron, and he scared me a little at first, and he was always quiet, and I think he was sad sometimes, so that's like three strikes, but now here we are after everything that we've been through and we're walking together up the mountain all quiet and not smiling, just together and quiet, and it's kinda nice.
A little past noon we stopped to rest. I know he wouldn't have stopped if he was alone, but he didn't say anything. He just put down his pack and sat against a rock and said we should rest for a while and probably eat a little something. So he made a little fire to brew some tea, and I made some sandwiches. (Guadosalami. Ha.) And then we sat for a little while eating and looking out over the view back the way we came from. Auron pointed out the spot down the mountain where we spent the night. We'd been walking for hours and it still seemed so close!
I took a big bite of my sandwich and said, "Auron?"
He turned and looked at me.
"Auron," I said, swallowing. "Do you ever sing?"
He cocked his head looked at me. I waited, and after a little while he said, "I sing too much."
Well sure.
Of course.
Naturally.
I shook my head.
"Auron, what does that mean?"
He turned away, and I heard him sigh, and after a minute he said, "I sang the death song for my parents and my sister. And for Braska and Jecht, and Vedec."
Oh.
He looked up at the sky. Neither of us said anything, and after a while he said, "I sang the death song for Mighty Evrae. And For Kinoc."
Oh. The humming.
And then he looked at me and said, "And I have sung the death song for too many of the young people that I've trained in my life."
I sat there next to him while he stared out over the mountain. Then I shifted a little closer to him and slowly laid my head on his shoulder, slow so he could pull away if he wanted to and I could pretend that it wasn't what I was going to do at all. But he didn't pull away, and after a moment his arm came up and wrapped around me. I sat there with my head on his shoulder, breathing in the willow tree smell of his coat and looking into the small fire. When I was little my mother used to tell me I had to be careful staring into the fire or tiny red flame fiends could pop out and burn off all my eyebrows. Then the fire would snap or crackle, and I'd jump, and she'd laugh and hug me.
"Auron," I whispered, "Do you ever get tired of being who you are? Tired of being the person you've spent your whole life becoming? And do you ever wish you could run away, Auron? Like it's all just too much, and you wish you could just go somewhere where nobody knows you and nobody wants anything from you and no one expects anything? Auron...?"
I waited. And after a while he answered softly, "Sometimes, Rikku. Yes."
I sat there against him with my head on his shoulder and thought. I've been Rikku so long. And it's not like that's a bad thing, but...
"Auron, I've tried so hard. I want Yuna to be happy. I want to save her, but if I can't, I at least want her to be happy, just a little. So I joke and laugh and tease, but Auron, sometimes I get so tired. Are teenagers supposed to get this tired?"
I heard him take a breath, and he looked up into the blue sky above us.
"She is...happy that you are with us, Rikku. You make her happy just by being there. You shine, for all of us."
Then he cocked his head to the side so he could look into my face.
"But Rikku, you don't have to do that with me. Not here. You don't have to try to cheer me up."
"No...?" I breathed.
"No. You can...rest."
I sat watching the flames dancing in the small fire where we made our tea.
"You know," I said after a minute, "I really am a happy person...most of the time," I told him, "I really do like to laugh and sing and make people smile. And I really do love to dance.
"But...when I was eight..."
I grabbed his arm and pulled it tighter around me.
"...my Mom died," I said softly.
I heard him take a deep breath, and let it out slowly.
"Fiends?" he asked gently.
"Everyone always asks that," I said. "As if there wasn't any other way to die on Spira. No, sometimes back then some of the machina would just go berserk. No one ever figured out why. But one of them...caught Mom, and she was killed."
Auron didn't say anything, but he held me a little closer. I couldn't stop blinking, and I closed my eyes for a moment.
"I guess when you're eight, your parents are your whole life. I stayed in my room and cried for weeks. I screamed and broke things and even prayed. I'm not sure to who. I was so messed up, so miserable and alone and caught up in my own pain that I didn't even realize how messed up Dad was. He and Mom really loved each other, you know? She was a thief, and they met when he caught her trying to pick his pocket. She had to pick his pocket five times before he finally caught her. They were married a month later. Well, that's the story they always told me.
"Auron..." I said, my breath catching in a little gasp, "It's getting harder for me to remember her."
I shut my eyes tight and tried to concentrate. What did her nose look like? And her chin? And her hands? Were they small?
"I know she was really pretty, and soft, and she smiled all the time, even when brother and me fought. And I remember she took me shopping and showed me the things she stole from fiends and she made me cupcakes. I remember that. When I finally came out of my room, when I just stopped crying because I finally realized she was dead and she was never ever coming back no matter how much I cried, they took me to see my Dad. He was in his office. He used to hate his office. It made him feel cooped up. Dad always wanted to be out doing things, checking projects, overseeing repairs, inspecting plans. Now, he never came out.
"They sent me in, all the cousins and aunts and uncles sent me in, I guess to see if I could maybe shake him out of it. Stupid plan. He was sitting behind his desk. He had some papers in his hands, some project reports or something, but he was just sitting behind the desk not looking at anything. I walked up to him, and he finally noticed I was there after a while. He hugged me, and patted me on the head, and told me I looked like I needed to go get some rest, and then he turned away and looked down at his papers like he was reading them. But he wasn't. I didn't know what to do, so I left.
"He was crying."
Suddenly, sitting there on the mountain, I felt like the whole world was closing in on me, shrinking, pressing me and squeezing me. I tried to move a little closer to Auron, and I couldn't really, but he noticed and put his other arm around me too and both of them held me tight. Then it was better, but I had to stop a few minutes before I went on.
"It was the only time I ever saw Dad cry, and it really scared me. I had lost my Mom and now I was so scared I would lose my Dad that my heart just sort of froze up inside me, so I started to do everything I could to cheer him up. I laughed and sang and skipped and baked cookies, and all the time inside I was just begging please please please be my old Dad again. Sometimes I'd feel like I couldn't breath, couldn't catch my breath, and then I'd run to my room and just lie on my back on the floor trying to breath in and out."
I breathed in and out, sitting there with Auron's arms around me, remembering those days as I told him about it. I've never told anyone all this before. About back then.
"But it worked, you know? Dad came out of it, bit by bit. He started laughing at my jokes, and smiling when I sang or showed him a picture I drew. I even burned some cookies on purpose, and he'd still eat them and tell me how good they were. I still cried, cause of Mom, but I cried in my room, never where Pop could see me. I never cried in front of Dad, or anyone else except Brother, sometimes."
It wasn't cold, but I was shivering as I talked. Talking about it seemed to bring those days right back, the desperate fear and the feeling of being alone because I couldn't show anyone how afraid I was cause then Daddy would worry and I didn't want him to worry, I wanted him to be happy and smile and be my Dad again, and that's when I started writing in a diary, writing to get the pain out before it could just tear me apart, writing to try and remember the happy times, writing to just try and work things out and try to think and figure out who's Rikku before I just got lost forever and faded away.
And now, talking to him, telling him, now those feelings were sharp and clear like it was only yesterday and not years ago and I felt like all that kept me from just shaking apart into a million pieces were Auron's arms around me holding me tight, holding me together while I remembered those days.
"And now I'm Rikku. And I bounce around and laugh and sing and dance and joke and cheer everyone up because what else am I for? And I know I really am good at stuff, lots of stuff, and I know I have family that loves me, and I really am happy most of the time, I AM, and I want other people to be happy too...
"But not always," I whispered, my head against his shoulder, "And the rest of the time...I don't let people see."
Neither of us said anything for a while. I hugged into his chest, clutching him, and he looked up into the sky, his arms around me, his chin resting on the top of my head. Maybe he was trying to keep me warm. Or maybe he was trying to protect me from the bad memories. I don't know. It kinda worked, a little. He was all warm and solid and his coat was soft and comfortable and I wondered what Auron would think of me now that he knew how broken I was. I wasn't worried. I knew how much he cared about me. I knew he wouldn't turn away from me because I wasn't really happy all the time. I was just curious. I wondered what he would say. Then he was speaking. His voice was like mist in the morning.
"I was born on our family homestead," he said. "On the side of a nameless mountain between Macalania and the Calm Lands. My family are the hereditary keepers of the first celestial weapon, Masamune. In the hour that I was born my father took the sword from over our fire and put my hand on its hilt, so that we would know each other."
His voice was soft but clear, smooth and steady, only inches from my ear, and the words caressed me, stroked my cheek, and gently crawled inside me and settled feathery and warm in my stomach. I think I could dance to his voice. I closed my eyes to listen.
"My parents loved me," he said, "And my childhood was spent in hard work and training. I was six when they had my sister Mari. It made my mother very happy. The day before I turned twelve, I was gathering wood in the forest with my father when we were attacked by a fiend swarm. There were at least thirty, all of them powerful. My father shouted for me to go and warn my mother and sister, and take them to safety while he held the creatures off, but there were too many for him to stop, and they were behind me as I reached our home.
"I yelled for my mother and sister to run. I had a good sword but I ran into the house to get Masamune. When I got back outside my sister was already dead. They were playing with her body, tossing it back and forth until it came apart. My mother was still alive, running toward me. They pulled her down in front of me and tore her to pieces, and I stood there and laughed, and everything went red."
"The next thing that I remember is lying on the ground, the morning light in my eyes. Nothing moved but a few pyreflies, and I was the only thing alive. I was hurt, but there were potions scattered nearby. I went into the woods and brought out my father's body and buried him and my mother and sister in the small family graveyard just down the mountain. Then I took Masamune to the highest cliff that I could find and threw it as far away as I could. It was my twelfth birthday."
Oh Auron, I thought. Oh poor Auron. No wonder you're broken too. No wonder you want to save us all.
"I lived on my own," he went on. "Caring for the homestead, tending our gardens, and training. None of our animals survived the attack, and I preserved the meat as best I could. After a couple of months a wandering summoner and his guardian came by on their pilgrimage. They had come to speak to my father. They stayed for two days, and when they left they convinced me to go with them. At age twelve I became guardian to a summoner for the first time. I don't know if they thought they were just helping an orphan, or if they knew I was a trained warrior. They had known my father after all.
"We traveled to Macalania Temple, and then on to Bevelle. We stayed in Bevelle a few days, and I saw the young warrior monks training there. Before we left, the summoner released me from my vow, and told me I should stay with the monks if I thought that it was the best way I could serve Spira. I stayed, and they went on without me. The summoner Mark died later on the slopes of Mt Gagazet. I sang the death song for him."
He stopped talking, and we sat there a long time with his arms around me. Then I sort of pulled away from him and he let me go, and then I wrapped my arms around him and pulled his head down to rest on my shoulder, and he let me, and I held him tight, and we sat some more in silence.
"Is that where we're going?" I asked him quietly, holding him. "To your home?"
"No. I've never been back."
"Auron, you never wanted to visit their graves?"
"I keep my memories inside."
"Auron—"
"It's getting late," he said, lifting his head. "If we want to go any farther today we need to start."
"Um..."
I didn't want to leave yet. I just wanted to stay here with him, close to him, holding him. I wanted to close my eyes and listen to his words.
He started to get up, but I didn't let go of him.
"Not yet, Auron..."
"Rikku..."
"Please..."
So he settled back and we sat there a little longer, talking about nothing at all—isn't it a nice view, and can't you see a long way, and I wonder what the others are doing right now—and after a while he stood up, and this time I let him. He stretched out his hand, and I took it and he pulled me to my feet, and he picked up the pack and we started up the mountain again. I wasn't smiling, or laughing, or joking. I was thinking about him. Sometimes he is the Red Guardian, implacable, unstoppable, Death Walking Among Men. And other times he's just Auron. Quiet Auron.
...my Auron?
Rikku's Diary:
We ran! To hell with the pilgrimage and to hell with Sin and to hell with Spira! We ran away, the both of us, and we never looked back! We ran from the others and from everything they wanted and expected from us because it's NOT supposed to be that HARD! We ran from them and from ourselves, we ran from red guardian Auron and from cheerful, little Rikku, we ran away from them both and we ran toward US! The two of US! The both of US, together! I knew I loved him. I loved him from the moment I first saw him, and he...
Without his summoner, and without his secrets, and without his legend, and without everything else that had ALWAYS gotten between us, when we ran away from ALL of that and there wasn't anything else in our way, then then THEN...at last he loved me BACK!
We finally kissed, really kissed that first night, slow at first, and even clumsy, but eager and real and in love. His lips on mine were warm and firm and I loved the taste of him. It was wonderful but I wanted more, and he said, Wait. Wait one more night, he said, Tonight was just for kisses. And so we held each other and kissed each other as the moon rose and swung across the sky, and then we slept, and woke and kissed some more, and he was right, because I will always remember that night of nothing but kisses under the stars, our every heartbeat a perfect moment in time stolen from that bitch Spira...it was the night he first said he loved me.
On the second night we made love, our hearts beating/pounding/racing in rhythm with each other. It was my first time, and it hurt a little, but soon the pain was washed away in feelings of pleasure and completeness and, yes, love. Always love! I loved him and he loved me, and I've never had sex with anyone else so I guess I don't know but I really don't think sex without love could be as good and I really, really, doubt that it could ever be better!
He took me to his home. On the morning of the third day we reached the clearing on the side of a nameless mountain between Macalania and the Calm Lands. A ruined stone house was there, and the remains of a kitchen garden, and a small graveyard down the mountain. It wasn't much perhaps, but it was his family...it was OUR...family home. We started cleaning the house out. The walls were still standing but there was no roof. When we replace it we'll live here the rest of our days, and love each other, and raise brave sons and talented daughters. Maybe one day my father would come and visit us and see his grandchildren, and maybe Yuna—
No. Don't think about Yuna.
The first day we started cleaning out one room so we could move indoors, but we slept and made love outdoors that night. We moved in the next day. We were home. And no, we weren't married, not officially, but in our minds we were. We belonged only and completely to each other. We made love every night, but also in the morning when we both woke up, and at noon sometimes, or whenever the fancy struck us. He would be working without his shirt in the hot sun, and he'd glance up from his labor and see me standing there looking up at him with wide, innocent eyes and a wicked, little smile and he would smirk a little and drop his work and pick me up and lay me down and we would lose ourselves in each other for a while. Over the next few days he split his time between helping me clear out more of the house, working on the roof, and working on the kitchen garden. It was all hard work, but it was work we were doing for ourselves and one day our children and that made it good.
The first week passed, and I was even happier. I didn't think I could be, but I was, and part of it was that I knew I was making him happy as well. He smiled more, and even laughed sometimes. And when the day's work was done we would sit together and talk quietly about our lives and our past. We wanted to know everything about each other, and there wasn't anything, not one single thing that I wanted to hold back from him. And he told me about his childhood and young adulthood, and all the secrets that he had to keep from me once. We talked about everything. Except...
Sometimes, he would start to tell a story, and then he would stop, abruptly. And I knew he had been about to mention Tidus. He never mentioned Tidus, and I never mentioned Yuna, and we never talked about any of the others that we had left behind. Sometimes, we almost did. Sometimes, one of us would almost mention one of them, but at the last minute we would stop ourselves, just shut our mouths tight and not let the words out. And we both knew, and we wouldn't say anything for a while, and then we would take off our clothes and lie down together and make ourselves forget.
But it got harder.
It's been almost two weeks. They would be there soon, waiting for us. Might be already if they came early. They would worry about us, might look for us. Of course they would look for us. They might look for months, and finally when they couldn't find us, they'd shake their heads sadly and say their goodbyes and go on without us. They would finally leave us alone.
They'd go to face Sin without us.
NO! Don't think about them! I'm here, with him, and I don't HAVE to be Rikku, and he doesn't HAVE to be Auron, and we're happy and in love and building our lives together! Don't we get to do that? WHY DON'T WE GET TO DO THAT!
He found me crying. He came home and found me crying and he put his arms around me. He didn't ask. He knew why. We stayed one last night, and tried as hard as we could to forget and to pretend that we would be here tomorrow and the next day and for years after that, and the sounds of our family would fill the place. And the next morning we wandered hand in hand around the house and the garden and the yard, saying goodbye, I guess.
And then we started down the mountain to meet them where they would be waiting for us, counting on us, depending on us. And yes I cried, but it wasn't all sad. We were still best friends, and husband and wife even if no else knew it, and maybe even mother and father before our journey is done. But I cried because for a little while we had been us. Just us. Just him and me, together.
Now we were going back to Spira. People needed us.
Grim Auron and cheerful Rikku.
Auron:
"Ouch...!"
I stopped and the girl bumped into me.
"Hey! I hit my dose! Auron, why'd you stob?"
"It's getting dark, Rikku. This is a good place to stop for the night."
"Oh, all right then," she said, rubbing her face.
It was a tiny hanging meadow, with only one way in and cliffs falling away to three sides. We would be able to defend it easily, and if we had to retreat we could go over the side on ropes that we would get ready before we slept. I had stayed up and watched last night, and if I had to I could go any number of days without sleep, but I would pay a price later. This would be safe enough if I set tripwires and left the coat and glasses on sentry mode. It's not something I do too often. Not good to get dependent on machina.
Also it's a real power drain.
We set up the camp, moving some branches and gathering enough wood to keep a small fire going through the night. We brought water from a small stream nearby and washed up, and then I started getting the meal ready. It was a kind of oatmeal. Very convenient, it was filling and easy to carry. It was all that I needed, but I think Rikku was going to become extremely tired of it before our trip was done. Strictly speaking, of course, I didn't actually have to eat at all, or drink, or sleep. I do grow hungry, but only because I continue to eat. If I were to stop, the hunger would eventually fade.
Unsent don't really have those needs, but I continued to do all of those things that others do. To feel hunger, and thirst, and weariness—it's all a part of the human condition. And that's important because, simply said, I have found that the more human I act, the more human I feel. There was a period in Zanarkand where I began to wall myself off from people, even from Tidus and others who cared about me. And I found my thoughts starting to drift in...odd...directions. I believe now that it is when unsent start to lose their connections to humanity that they drift towards...
It's not...
I wasn't becoming a fiend. I think that has more to do with strength of purpose. How else has Mika lasted so long as an unsent? But Mika has drifted far from human nevertheless. And in that period of time in Zanarkand, I was becoming less human. I was becoming something else, something like Mika and Seymour. And I knew I didn't want that.
So I reforged my connections with the world and the people that I cared about, and I continue to act as human as I can. I continue to eat, even though I don't really need to, and because I continue to eat, I continue to feel hunger. Yes, sometimes it can be useful to go days without sleep, for instance, but it is not something I do normally. Instead, I eat, and drink, and sleep, and shiver as though I were still alive. I choose to continue to feel hunger, and thirst, and cold.
And pain.
And loneliness.
It is the bargain that I make to retain my humanity, and I make it gladly, and with gratitude.
I looked at the girl sitting next to me in the firelight. She was very quiet as we hiked up the mountain. I was pleased. I think her nerves were a bit stretched, and she could use the rest. Every so often during the day, she would reach out and touch me, like she was reassuring herself that I was still there.
I always was.
I watched Rikku play halfheartedly with her food while we ate. She would scoop a big spoonful, and hold it and slowly turn it over until it plopped back into her bowl.
"Rikku? Are you all right?"
"Oh, yeah Auron," she said. "It's just, well, I guess...you said I didn't, you know, I didn't have to be so Rikku with you, not all the time. And so I'm not, and it's a relief, it is, but..."
She shook her head. "I guess I'm just not sure who to be if I'm not always joking and laughing. And sometimes I used to feel like I had to keep moving all the time because if I ever stopped I thought I'd maybe just collapse and never move again. And now here I am all sitting and quiet, and I just...I'm just not used to it, is all."
"It's no wonder you were tired," I told her. "Trying to act happy when you're not is one of the most tiring things anyone can do. Rikku, you are a happy person, and you can joke and laugh when you want to. It's all right to BE cheerful, Rikku. But you don't have to be cheerful all the time if you don't feel like it."
"Thanks, Auron," she smiled. "I know. I'm just, I dunno, trying to find a balance."
She stopped playing with her food and started eating, staring into the fire. She does that a lot. Of course, I probably shouldn't say anything, as much as I stare up into the sky.
"Auron?" she said after a while. "Are you ever going to train me again?"
I ate a couple more spoonfuls before I answered.
"Yes, Rikku. There are still things that I can teach you, and I enjoy teaching you. But Tidus will still handle most of your training. It's good for both of you."
"Because he's a light fighter?"
"Yes, and he's really very good."
"But you're better. So shouldn't I train with you?"
"Rikku," I said. "Why do you think I never spar with Tidus in training?"
"Uh...no challenge?"
"Exactly, Rikku." I saw her nod to herself, then I continued. "No challenge. In any kind of fair fight, Tidus will beat me five times out of five."
"Huh?" she asked.
"It isn't even close. The first thing he'll do is cast Haste on himself, then Slow on me, then he'll hit me five or six times before I can move."
"Uh..."
"And when I do move, I can either use a remedy to unSlow myself, and he'll simply recast the spell, or I can attack, and miss."
"Miss?"
"Almost always. Then he attacks five or six more times and it's over. As I said, not even close. And that's what I want for you, Rikku," I went on. "That's what I want him to teach you."
"Auron, I thought you were the greatest warrior of your generation?"
"Fair enough."
"But if Tidus can beat you, shouldn't HE be the greatest?"
"He can beat me in training, Rikku. He can beat me in a fair fight. But I have never in my life been in a fair fight, and I never will be. And in a real fight, Rikku, would you bet on Tidus or on me?"
"Huh," she said, smiling. "Next stupid question? So, you want me to be able to beat you up? In a fair fight?"
"Using all of your skills, and everything you know, I want you to be able to beat up anyone, anytime, including me."
Rikku's Diary:
We finished eating and just sort of puttered around camp, not wanting to go to sleep too soon. You know, this is what I wanted. What I always wanted really. I was spending time with Auron, and we were getting to know each other. I opened up to him today, and told him things I'd never told anyone, and he opened up back to me. And I just had this feeling that this wasn't over. That before we got back and rejoined the others we'd talk more and share more, and I'll probably know Auron better than anyone else. Not that it would be difficult. No one else really knows him at all, except Tidus.
Ha. The only fly in the potion was the food. It was okay this morning, and we had some sandwiches for lunch, but we didn't have that many sandwiches, and mush for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, not to mention those odd little snacks during the day, didn't sound too tasty. Hey, I'm still a growing girl! (Mental note. Don't put it that way to Auron.) And I was planning to bring some stuff cause I just had an idea that Auron wasn't really going to bother, but the way it worked out there wasn't really any time.
So I'm pulling stuff out of my pack, looking for something else to eat sometime, even my emergency rations, when I find the little bag that Lulu threw at me just before I left. It's a small velvet bag tied with a yellow ribbon. I hold it up to my ear and shake it a bit. I can hear a kind of clinking. I notice Auron's looking at me kind of strange. I smile and shrug at him, What, and he turns back to the fire. I pull off the ribbon and open the little bag.
Oooo! Spheres! I shake them out into my hand, wondering where they came from!
Auron:
I heard a happy squeal from the girl and looked around to see her staring at something in her hand. She turned and held it out to me, wide-eyed.
"Auron, look!" she breathed. "Spheres! There's a luck sphere, and a fortune sphere, and an HP sphere! Hey! Hey, these are our spheres. I mean, they're spheres that the party's found. Lulu's been keeping these."
"Hm. Where did you find them?"
"They were in this bag that Lulu gave me just before I left."
"She didn't say why?" I asked as she handed me the bag.
"I was kinda in a rush," she answered wryly. Fair enough.
I turned the bag inside out. A piece of paper fluttered out and she caught it in her free hand.
"Oh, Auron!" she said, looking at it. "It says, Be safe. Signed, The Gang."
The Gang?
"I, uh..." she said. "I don't think these are for my collection."
"No Rikku," I said, slowly. "I think they gave you these because they wanted you to use them. To make you safer."
"Us safer, Auron," she said, looking up at me. "They wanted us to use them to make us safer."
"No, Rikku. They gave the spheres to you."
"Yes, Auron. The luck sphere and fortune sphere for me and the HP sphere for you."
"Rikku..."
I heard her sigh and mutter something under her breath about some legendary pigheaded male.
"Auron, if you're harder to kill, I AM safer. You know it's true. Auron, think tactically. That extra protection could make the difference some day when a fiend hits us with an area effect spell. You could survive it and then revive me. Right? Right? Or when you're guarding us, taking hits for us, you can't do that if you're dead, right?"
I suppose she's right. It's hard to keep others safe when you're out of action.
"All right, Rikku," I said, handing them back to her.
She smiled and took them, and then cocked her head all the way to one side and looked at them for a while, a puzzled expression playing across her face.
"Auron..." she said, slowly, pushing the small spheres around her palm with a finger. "It was awfully nice of them to give us these spheres, Auron. You know, everyone's sorta been extra nice to me lately. I mean, Tidus gave me that key-sphere that he won. And Yuna and Lulu and Wakka are always asking me if they can do anything for me, and the other day I asked Lulu for kind of an embarrassing favor, and she did it without making a single smart-ass Lulu comment."
She raised her head a bit and looked at me sideways.
Rikku's Diary:
"Auron," I asked him. "Do you know what's going on? Why they're all being so nice all of sudden?"
"They like you, Rikku."
"And they didn't before? Come on, Auron. I know there are some secrets you have to keep, but is this really one of them? Tell me."
It's...a little embarrassing, Rikku."
Embarrassing? Did he mean embarrassing to him? No, he doesn't get embarrassed. So...?
"Auron?" I said. "To me? You mean embarrassing to me?"
He looked at me and nodded. I looked down at the ground and thought for a minute, blowing loose strands of hair away from my face.
Huh.
The only thing I can really think of...
"Uh, Auron," I asked slowly, "Was it...I mean, a couple of weeks ago, my...uh..."
I could feel my cheeks getting red. I lifted my head just enough to peek at him through my hair. "Auron," I said, scrunching up my face. "Do they know about that dream I had...you know, with you and me? Do they know?"
He looked back at me calmly.
"Yes Rikku."
Aw, man...
I hung my head back down again, and he came and put an arm around my shoulder and I leaned against him and kinda hid my face in his chest and I just bet the blush on my cheeks was redder than his coat.
"Did they hear me?" I asked.
"Excuse me?"
"Did they hear me?" I asked, pulling my face away from the coat. "Did they hear me moaning and calling your name?"
"Yes Rikku. And panting."
Poop.
Not being embarrassed cause Auron heard me is one thing, but all of those guys?
"Hey Auron?" I said.
"Rikku."
"Were they...laughing at me?"
After a minute he said, "The Ronso didn't. They didn't mean any harm, Rikku, and they are all very sorry."
"Really?"
"Believe me," he answered, in a cold, distant voice. I did.
"So..." I sighed. "I guess I might as well face it, everyone knows, huh?"
"Yes."
They already knew I had a crush, really, but now...now everyone knows I've got a great-big crush, a big, huge, shoopuf sized, Take Me I'm Yours crush on him.
Well. That's kinda humiliating, but I'll get over it.
Hm.
"And...well," I said, sorta hiding behind my hair a little. "I guess...you know, right?"
I heard him sigh.
"I...know there's a crush, Rikku. And I know that aside from that you also truly do care about me, and I know that you know that I care about you too. And I know that crushes end. And I know that when this crush ends, I will still be your friend."
Huh.
"Auron," I said slowly. "You know, I've had crushes before. Lots of them. I've never been in love for real, but I've had plenty of crushes. I know crushes. And I'm starting to think that this is no crush, Auron."
I turned and looked him full in the face.
"And if it isn't a crush, Auron," I said to him, "Then what do you think it could be?"
And he looked back at me, looked into my eyes for at least a minute, before he said,
"Trouble."
But he smiled.
Rikku's Diary:
We didn't say much after that. I thought that this was going to be, you know, The Talk. I mean, it's been a long day, and we've said so many things, that I guess I just thought we'd naturally have The Talk now, about sex and love, and he's too old and I'm too young, and everyone's broken, and the pilgrimage comes first, and he still has secrets, and I could live with all of that, really, so long as he doesn't say, Rikku, we'd better stop hanging around together. And I don't think he would say that, I really don't, and if he did I think I could change his mind.
But I guess he just didn't feel like having that conversation tonight, cause he said we should sleep. He said we have a long way to travel in the morning. And I said, All right, Auron, and climbed under the blankets next to him. Blankets because he had laid his coat on the ground a little way away.
I thought you could see a lot of stars in the Calm Lands, but up here on the side of this mountain when I lay down next to Auron and looked up, it seemed like there was a river of light running through the sky. There had to be millions of them.
He called me a star, once.
"Auron?" I said when I had gotten under the blankets, "Auron, I... Good night, Auron."
"Good night, Rikku."
We both lay there for a long time, not saying anything, looking up with wonder at all the stars in the sky.
Or maybe he had just fallen asleep.
"Auron...?" I said softly.
He didn't answer. But he put his arm around my shoulders and sort of squeezed to let me know he was awake and listening. I swallowed.
"Auron," I said slowly, "Do you think Yuna and Tidus have...you know, done it?"
Auron:
Oh lord.
Rikku's Diary:
Well that sounded silly, and he tried to pull back his arm, but I got hold of his hand and wouldn't let him. I went on in a rush before he could say anything.
"I mean, back there at the sphere pool, when we got out of Bevelle, it kinda looked..."
I ran down, and heard him sigh.
"I don't know, Rikku," he answered quietly after a bit. "That was a private moment, just between them. Tidus never said anything. I wouldn't expect him to. And I didn't ask."
Now I barely heard my own voice asking, "Do you think she loves him?"
"I just don't know, Rikku."
"But Auron," I said. "I don't know if Yuna had ever had...sex...before. I mean, we never talked about it. Maybe Lulu knows. But, if she hadn't, well then, she's on her way to Zanarkand. And maybe she just wanted to do it at least once before she died. And Tidus was there, and he's nice, and he's good looking, and there because you keep putting them together. Isn't it important to you Auron? Doesn't it matter to you to know whether they've done it and why? If she loves him or she just...just..."
He sighed. I felt his chest expand next to me as he drew in the breath, and I felt the breath stir my hair as he exhaled, and I heard him murmur, "...puppet..."
"Auron," I said to him in the dark. "You put them together. Don't you feel any responsibility?"
"Of course I do, Rikku. I care about both of them. But all I did was put them together. Their ultimate decisions are their own."
"Auron, if...if they were in love, and they...you know, would...would you be happy...if they did? And...and would you be happy for them?"
He answered me slowly. He really seemed to be thinking the answer through, working it out as he said it.
"I... Rikku, you know I want a relationship between them, even if you don't know why. But, aside from my reasons for that... The best answer I can give you is if it made them happy, then I would be happy for them."
"And, Auron..." I whispered. "Even...even if they weren't in love, or, or weren't sure they were in love, but if Yuna just wanted to...to do it at least once before she...dies, doesn't want to die a virgin, and she liked him, really liked him, even if she wasn't sure she was in love...Auron, would that be all right too? Would you still be happy for them?"
He didn't answer for a while, and I thought maybe he really had fallen asleep. But finally he said quietly, "Yes, Rikku. If it even gave them one moment of happiness, then I'd be happy for them both."
I lay there in the dark, next to him, with his arm around me.
"Auron..." I said in a whisper. "I'm a virgin..."
And I waited for him to say something.
"...Auron...?"
"Auron?"
Huh. Hey. Would he...? Do you think...?
Would the legendary red guardian Auron pretend to be asleep just so he didn't have to have this conversation?
Auron:
Yes.
Next: Starfall
