Author's Note:
This is my Chanukah present to everyone on the last night. Or it can be an early Christmas present. Or just a present because I love you.
Thank you to me best friend and beta. And to everyone who keeps reading despite Glee being over and my writing taking so long.
March 2010
Blaine sat at his desk frowning at the open email on his computer screen, sent by his agent. Kurt was lying atop his boyfriend's bed on his stomach, feet crossed in the air, fingers steepled beneath his chin.
"He says Broadway is looking like a bust for me for the season, but Papermill is doing Les Mis in the fall," Blaine read. "I could maybe do Marius."
Kurt understood how the idea of coming full circle was appealing. "What about college?" Kurt asked pointedly.
It was an ongoing discussion. Kurt knew there was no chance that Blaine would go to college in Ohio. He knew that no matter what, they'd have to deal with another year apart. But for some reason he felt less left behind with the idea of Blaine at school rather than out in the real world, performing.
It was selfish. He knew it. But he couldn't help it.
Blaine's mother must have agreed because despite not letting Blaine's relationship with his father affect her decisions, she had agreed wholeheartedly with the man that Blaine was going to apply for college, do whatever auditions he needed to, and then seriously consider attending.
Blaine intended to seriously consider attending. And then he intended to hit the audition circuit and get back out into the real world as soon as he could.
Cooper of course was pulling for him to head to L.A. for pilot season and if Blaine was honest with himself he thought that his brother had a point. He had a face for television. He was known, if not for himself than as Cooper Anderson's little brother. But there was one thing that a television series didn't allow for.
And that was Kurt. Kurt who would be 2,257.1 miles away until he graduated Dalton, according to Google. Kurt who had no real interest in moving to Los Angeles after high school. Kurt who could put up with a lot of separation, but years and years of a bi-coastal relationship wasn't something that either one of them really wanted to put into motion, no matter how remote the possibility was.
They wanted to be in New York. Together. They just had to get through one more year apart.
"I won't hear from colleges until April and I have to plan for the summer anyway," Blaine said. "We both do."
Kurt let out a huff and sat up. "Well unless I get another job I won't be headed to New York. I am as broke as the Phantom's chandelier."
"And it's not like I have a place to stay if I don't get work or do another program," Blaine said. "Apparently your father almost dying wasn't reason enough for mine to start to talk to me again so…"
"Come here." Kurt opened up his arms to Blaine. He knew how much it hurt. Blaine liked to make light of it and pretend it didn't matter, but how could it not matter that his father hated who he was so much that he wouldn't even speak to him? Everyone had told them it would hurt less once he understand but in a lot of ways it hurt more. Even if there was something to blame, which there wasn't, and even if they understood that Blaine's father was blaming himself, which they did, it sure as hell seemed like the only one suffering was Blaine.
Blaine shut down his computer and walked over to the bed, climbing up and into Kurt's arms. No matter how much tension he had in his muscles trying to make sense of a future after Dalton and a father who for all intents and purposes had abandoned him, the feel of Kurt around him always made it disappear.
Especially now.
Blaine would never forget what he knew happened to him. But he also didn't have to remember it anymore. It was a part of him, like it was before, settled in his skin and his heart and in his soul and he had let it go that night in the flames and in his love. He had released it in every way and just like he promised his brother, he wouldn't let it define him. He wouldn't let it hold on to him or change him or make him feel like someone he wasn't.
He was Blaine. A revolutionary. Onstage, if he couldn't be one off.
"Do you think if I did a show this summer that Santana would sing with me? A Waltz for Eva and Che?"
"I think she would do anything for the opportunity," Kurt said.
Blaine grinned. "Well, all she has to do is say yes," he pointed out. "What about you? Will you sing with me?"
"I'll always sing with you, you know that," Kurt said. "Whether it's this summer or while you're living the life in New York in the fall."
"You're very calm about this," Blaine commented.
Kurt peered up at him. "What am I going to do?" he asked. "It's not like I expect you to stay in Ohio. There's nothing to do here."
Blaine was leaning over him in a second, straddling him, eyes twinkling. "There's you to do here," he said.
Kurt grinned. "Mr. I want to wait now can't get enough," he teased.
"I was waiting for the right time," Blaine said. "Now it's always the right time."
But Kurt had to adamantly disagree. "It is not always the right time Blaine. The middle of Warblers practice is not the time."
Blaine just shrugged, his smile bright. "What can I say, I have good memories in that room."
Hard as he tried to stop it, a blush blossomed on Kurt's cheeks. "Well for that," he said, giving Blaine a quick kiss, "I am grateful. But just maybe you should try to have a little self-control. You are the older one in this relationship after all. You should set a good example."
Blaine gasped and gave a mock frown. "I thought I was setting a good example. But if you think I need more practice," he smirked. "Or a demonstration…"
There was nothing Kurt could do but laugh. "Oh my god, you are impossible."
"Impossibly in love with you," Blaine said.
Kurt sighed, his smile quickly growing nostalgic. "I'm going to miss you so much."
Blaine wrapped him in his arms and held him close. "I'm going to miss you too. But we'll have email and Skype and texting and phone calls-"
"And letters," Kurt reminded him. "We will always have letters."
March 29, 2010
Dear Blaine,
Today I was walking down the hallway at Dalton, the one that leads from the science wing to the cafeteria, and I had to stop and catch my breath. This feeling came over me, this wave of…what's the opposite of déjà vu? Anyway, it was like I was making the same walk only it was a year from now and you weren't at the end of the walk waiting for me in the cafeteria.
I try to put on a brave face. After all, if you think about it, we've spent more time apart than we have together in the last nine years. One last year should be nothing. But it's different now. Because I'll be the kid still in high school and you'll be the adult, out in the world, in a dressing room full of guys who are just wishing to get their hands on you and I know you love me but sometimes love isn't enough. Even if you were in college it would be hard to tell them no, I have a boyfriend back in Ohio in high school. But on Broadway, working, a real adult. I'm not naïve. And it's not that I think you're not willing to wait for me because I know you are. It's that I worry what temptations there will be while you wait.
And I guess I worry that I'd be holding you back. Childhood sweethearts are cute and all once they're married, but before that, this year apart that I'm sure so many people have to go through…
I don't know what I'm saying. I guess I've just always hated that I'm younger, that it feels like you're miles ahead of me in life and I'm always running to catch up.
You're staring at me, from across the room. Even though I try to pretend I'm just doing homework, you know it's a letter I'm writing and I know that you're worried, I can see it in your face. Every time I've let you go it's been hard, but I just feel like this time it's going to be so much harder.
We need to spend the summer together. I don't know what we should do or where we should go, but I know that I need that. I need that time together. We need it.
I'm sorry. I don't mean to be so pathetic and I certainly don't mean to say I don't trust you because honestly I do. I just wonder if part of my job in September is to set you free. Then come spring if you fly back to me, we'll know it's meant to be.
Love,
Kurt
The note came flying toward Blaine in the form of a folded paper airplane.
"Good aim," Blaine said with a grin when he caught it in the air.
He'd watched Kurt writing while they were supposed to be studying history. Blaine looked at the clock. Curfew was inching up, and now that the airplane was out of his hand, Kurt was packing up, both actively avoiding his gaze while at the same time trying to catch a glimpse.
Kurt threw his backpack over his shoulder. "Love you," he said casually, no nerves in his voice. He leaned over the bed and kissed Blaine quickly on the lips, a kiss that Blaine wanted to hold on to, so he threaded his fingers through the hair on the back of Kurt's head and pulled him forward. Blaine deepened the kiss. He didn't know what the letter said, but letters like he knew this one was always needed extra reassurance.
"I love you too," he said, smiling up at the love of his life. "Have a good night."
Kurt waved at the door with a smile before walking out to head across campus back to his own dorm room. Blaine put the airplane down and took his toiletries bag to the bathroom, brushing his teeth before bed. Back in his room he undressed and pulled on his t-shirt and pajama pants and sat down on the edge of the bed. He unfolded the paper.
Top drawer. I'll give it a 7 or 8 on the angst scale. Read at your own risk.
There wasn't a risk Blaine wouldn't take when it came to Kurt and he retrieved the letter from where Kurt had slipped it inside. He climbed into bed, got comfortable and read the thoughts that had been plaguing his boyfriend.
It was early the next morning when a knock sounded on Kurt's door. He usually met Blaine at the cafeteria for breakfast, but sometimes Blaine showed up first, uninvited but always welcome. Kurt hadn't showered yet, but his hair was a beautiful mess and he'd chosen pajamas well the night before. He opened the door to a serious looking but absolutely gorgeous Blaine and he could see plain as day that Blaine had read his letter.
"Hi-"
"We need to talk," Blaine said. He walked in and closed the door behind him, then grabbed Kurt's hand. A wall length mirror, once belonging to Kurt's mother, had been carefully transported to Kurt's Dalton bedroom and Blaine pulled him in front of it, standing behind him. Kurt looked through the mirror up at Blaine, but Blaine put one hand on either side of his face and urged him to look straight. "What do you see?"
Kurt shrugged. He wasn't insecure, he knew he was good-looking, especially when he had the time to truly put himself together. He didn't know what Blaine was getting at. "I don't know."
"You know what I don't see?" Blaine said pointedly. "I don't see the little boy I fell in love with before I even knew what love was. And I don't see the eleven year old who kissed me for the first time and showed me what love was. And I don't even see the teenager who was my light when everything else was dark. Who was my anchor when the world seemed to be moving too fast."
"Then what do you see?" Kurt asked quietly.
"I see the man I have loved, through the hardest times of my life. Across distances large and small. No matter the time we spend apart or the time we have together. I see the man that I can't imagine my life without. I see the man that I hope someday will stand by my side and make vows and make me his husband."
Kurt turned, brushing his thumb against Blaine's cheek. "I see that too. Those aren't the things I doubt in my letter."
"You're talking sex," Blaine said.
Kurt's gaze fell to his fingers. "It's Broadway. It's a large number of gay men and Blaine, I don't know if you understand exactly how fucking hot you are." Blaine chuckled and lowered his head with a blush. "And those other guys back there, they're fucking hot too, I mean we drool over them now online all the time. And I am certainly not saying I want an open relationship Blaine because I don't, but I also don't want a moment, whether it's of weakness or desire, to end everything that we've worked so long for."
"Then what are you saying?"
Kurt led Blaine by the hand to his bed and they sat down beside one another. Kurt turned with his knee on the bed, looking Blaine clear in the eye. "I'm saying I want honesty. Like when I was in camp and you were in Boston. If someone interests you, you tell me. We talk about it. No jealousy, no cheating, open communication. Neither of us will have to worry about what ifs because we'll talk about everything."
"Kurt." Blaine moved closer to his boyfriend and squeezed his hand harder. "You know I don't want anyone but you."
"And if your Boston boyfriend, now Broadway star, wanted to kiss you again, would you still not want anyone but me?" Blaine sighed. Kurt knew that the thought had crossed Blaine's mind as much as it had crossed his. "I'm just trying to be realistic here. The worst possible thing we could do is keep each other guessing the entire time. If someone new comes into my life and I'm tempted, I'll tell you. If you meet someone who tempts you, you tell me. And we deal with it."
"How?"
"Whatever way is right. We won't know how unless the time comes. But I'm not losing you because we didn't prepare for this. Okay?"
Blaine looked at Kurt. He was serious, full of that maturity that Blaine could never quite muster for himself. And as much as he wanted to tell Kurt he was full of crap, that he'd never be tempted by anyone but the man in front of him, he wasn't naïve either. "Okay," he said. "It sounds like a good plan. On one condition."
Kurt raised a brow. "What condition?"
Blaine smiled and he reached beneath Kurt's t-shirt, slowly slipping it off over his arms. "You show me right now what those guys would all be competing with, because if I remember correctly, they'd have a pretty high bar to reach to even hold a candle to you."
Kurt pushed Blaine down on the bed and straddled his hips. "Well that is certainly not an invitation I can say no to."
"I think that you're crazy to stay."
Brittany's house smelled of cotton candy and lilacs, her room was as pink as it ever had been as a little girl, and Kurt was curled up on her bed reading Vogue and listening to Santana rant at him.
Basically a sleepover as typical as every other one they'd had for the past 8 years.
"I left McKinley for a reason, Santana," he argued. He'd been arguing it a lot with her over the past few weeks. No matter what he said, she didn't seem to get his reticence. "A reason that doesn't change just because Blaine isn't at Dalton anymore."
"You left because Karofsky and his idiot friends wouldn't leave you alone. But you're going to be a senior Kurt, and they are up for football scholarships and the last thing they need is to be suspended or worse, kicked off the team, just for roughing you up. They'll leave you alone."
Santana had a point, Kurt had to give her that. But there were other ways to hurt people. More subtle ones. "The stares and the sneers are enough Santana. I'm safe at Dalton."
"You're trapped at Dalton," Santana snapped. A soft hand pressed to her shoulder and Santana looked up to see Brittany staring down at her in disappointment. It made Kurt wonder if the two were back together or not as Santana sighed and turned back to Kurt. "We miss you."
Brittany was better at the gentle approach. "We need you back in Lima," she said, sitting down next to him. "Or at least close enough for you to come back to the performing arts academy. We're seniors! We started there together, we have to end together."
"What will there be for you at Dalton?" Santana crossed her arms and leaned back against the wall. Her stare was piercing but so were her words. What would there still be for him at Dalton once Blaine was gone?
"You can write to him from anywhere," Brittany reasoned. "Doesn't matter if you're in Westerville or Lima, Dalton or McKinley. "Unless you have friends better than us-"
Kurt's smile was soft. "I do not have friends better than you there. No one other than Blaine knows me like you guys do."
"You know the problem Blaine had with performing at Dalton, you wouldn't have that problem in Lima. Think of the resume you could build your last year before New York. At Dalton you'd get, what, one good show? At ACPAA, you could get four or five. Plus masterclasses, a trip to New York-"
"You're very convincing," Kurt said, rolling onto his back. He stared at the ceiling. He planned to go to college, but where he wanted, moving back might be a better move than staying at Dalton. Even with the Warblers and the better academics, it wouldn't be enough for a performing arts school. "Okay, I'll talk to my Dad and Blaine about it. See what they think."
"Fabulous," Santana smirked. She crossed the room and flopped down on the bed. "We better get you caught up on all the gossip." She took Brittany's hand. "Starting with us."
"The apartment in midtown would be perfect for us Blaine," Rachel told him over the phone. He was sitting in his dorm room, moping because Kurt had gone home for the weekend to visit with his family and the girls. Sure he had the Warblers he could have gone and hung out with, but thinking about Kurt giggling with Santana and Britt, he'd missed Rachel. He'd missed home. "One of my costars lives at The Wellington and it's beautiful Blaine; stone countertops, hardwood floors, fitness center, laundry and a doorman."
"It's also $5,000 a month Rachel," Blaine sighed. He had to admit it was hard to say no. He'd grown up with money. Hell, he knew if he asked Cooper for it he'd get it in a second. It was the life he was accustomed to. But he had to be practical.
"It's $1700 a month between you, me and Jesse, and in a year we'll have Kurt and it'll be down to a more than reasonable $1250."
"You're assuming I'll have that Rach," Blaine said. "There's no guarantee I'll get work and if I go to college-
"I don't even understand why you applied to college Blaine, there are people here just waiting for you to get back so they can hire you," Rachel said.
Blaine doubted that was true. "That's very nice of you to say, but the truth is I'm out of practice-"
"You're selling yourself short Blaine," Rachel argued. "You have fans, your Warbler videos are spread all over, there are countdowns online to your graduation and return to New York. There are producers with whispers of your name on their lips-"
"But what happens if I'm accepted to Juilliard or NYADA or Columbia?"
"Then you defer." Blaine could hear the exasperation in Rachel's voice. She didn't understand. He didn't know if she could. "College will always be there, but do you really want to set your return to the stage back another 4 years? Haven't the past 4 years been long enough to be gone?"
Blaine was quiet. She was right, he knew she was. College wasn't what he wanted. But still… "I'm not sure I can say no," he said, voice heavy.
Rachel let out a breath and with it he knew she understood what was holding him back. "You can't live your life for him Blaine," she said gently.
"He's my dad Rach." Blaine closed his eyes, pressing his hand to his forehead. His stomach tightened as it always did when he talked about him…with Cooper, with Kurt, with Rachel. Even with his Mom. "I just want him to be proud of me. That's all I've ever wanted."
"He left you Blaine. When you needed him most, he left you. Why do you care?"
"If one of your dads left you, wouldn't you do everything you could to bring him back?"
Rachel though wouldn't even entertain the thought. "My dads would never leave me."
"What about your Mom?" They rarely talked about her. From the moments that they did, he had early on realized that one of the reasons Rachel pushed herself so hard was in the hopes of grabbing her attention. "You have wanted her to be proud of you your entire life, even though she was never there for you. If anyone should understand this Rachel, you should. He's my dad. He always will be and I will always want nothing more than for him to love me and be proud of me."
There was silence, but Blaine knew she was still there. He could hear her sniffle and shuffle. He'd gone too far. "Rach, I'm sorry-"
"Your job is to do what you love. To love who you love. To be the person you truly are. It's not to be the person he wants you to be. His job is to love you for you. To be proud of the things that matter to you. I love being on Broadway and I love that she's proud of me for that, but I don't do it for her Blaine. I do it for me. Would you be going to college for you, Blaine?"
Blaine picked up one of the catalogs that was sitting on the bed beside him. The classes sounded amazing, but the thought of being there, it made him feel trapped. "No," he admitted. "Not without trying to get back on stage first."
"So over Spring Break you'll come look at the apartment with me?"
He shouldn't. It was too expensive and he had reservations about being the third wheel for a year before Kurt could join them. But it was also everything they'd been dreaming of since they were little kids backstage at the Imperial Theater.
"Of course I will," he sighed. "You always knew I would."
Cooper had promised himself he would remain calm. He kept his promise for about sixty seconds until he was pacing back and forth on the deck outside his house in Los Angeles.
"What do you mean you're not going to his graduation?" Cooper ran a hand through his hair. His heart was pounding with his fury and he knew it was a good thing that his father was a thousand miles away.
His father's voice was tired. "I can't Cooper."
"Yes you fucking can," Cooper snapped. "You get on a goddamn flight to Ohio, you sit in the stands and you clap for him when he gets his diploma."
"It's not that simple."
"The only one making it hard is you."
"I'd ruin his day," John Anderson said. "It would end up being a scene and he wouldn't want that, not in front of all his friends."
"The only way it would become a scene is if you made it into one." Cooper clenched his fists. Yes, his father was incredibly lucky he was a thousand miles away. "All Blaine wants, all he has ever fucking wanted, is for you to be proud him. And now you have a chance to attend probably the only graduation he'll ever have-"
"He'll have college," John muttered.
"No, Dad, most likely he won't. I know you'd rather he go to college than become a star in the big gay world of Broadway, but I'll be damned if he makes a decision to follow your dreams instead of his own."
John was quiet. Cooper fell into one of his lawn chairs.
"He wouldn't want me there," John finally whispered.
"He wants you there more than anything," Cooper corrected him. "All he has ever wanted is for you to be there for him. He treats your silence like some endearing quirk you're too stubborn to change rather than the hateful, intolerance it truly is. He and Mom both do." Cooper scoffed and shook his head. "Maybe you're not afraid of losing him, but you better fucking be afraid of losing me. Because if you don't show up, this will be our last phone call ever."
"You don't understand Cooper-" John protested
"I understand that it shouldn't matter whether Blaine loves boys or girls. The only thing that should matter is whether Blaine loves you. And it's only because he's a far better person than me that he still does. This is it. You throw his love away and you can throw mine away too." The line was silent, but he knew his father was still there. "June 5th. Goodbye Dad."
June 5, 2010
The entire campus was abuzz with the excitement of graduation. Family was all around, being introduced to friends, being shown around campus. Trunks were being dragged down stairs and loaded into cars. Boys too tough for emotions tried to hold back their tears and resist reaching out. The rest cried with a mix of happiness and nostalgia as they hugged one another, possibly for the last time.
Kurt had fretted over how he looked for an hour before it was time to go, which he knew was unnecessary given that it wasn't his graduation. But he was leaving Dalton and he wanted his hair and his uniform and the pale skin around his eyes to be just right. Sure they were red from crying the night before, a pathetic mix of missing Blaine months before he was gone and leaving a school that had likely held him back more than pushed him forward. But there were so many memories at Dalton, he'd told Blaine. Blaine reminded him that there were memories everywhere.
A little touch of makeup and some eyedrops banished the sadness from his face and he raced out to catch up to Blaine, Cooper and their Mom. Blaine's father hadn't come. No one had been surprised by that. But the strange thing, Kurt realized as the day went on, was that Cooper was far angrier about it than Blaine was.
"Hey. Hummel." Kurt startled from where he was staring out into nothing to see Cooper snapping his fingers in front of his face, smirking at him. "Do I even want to know what thoughts had you so distant?"
Kurt blushed even though sex had been the farthest thing from his mind because now it was not. He looked over at Blaine. Blaine looked incredible. He always did in his Dalton uniform but there was something about today that made him just glow. Blaine looked up at him from where he was talking with his Mom and smiled. "You have a dirty mind Anderson," Kurt replied with fake reproach. "Always have. I'll have you know I was just thinking that it feels like my own graduation even though it's not."
"Always trying to steal my spotlight," Blaine joked, grasping Kurt by the hand. "I suppose it's inevitable."
"I think the word you mean is impossible," Kurt corrected. "Your spotlight is brighter than a thousand suns."
"And big enough for the both of us," Blaine added.
Kurt just smiled. He couldn't argue with that.
Cooper laughed. "Okay, you two are cute, but I'm pretty sure you both need to get to the staging area because you have Warbling and graduating to do."
As if right on cue, and of course he was, thought Kurt, the loudspeaker blared: "All graduating seniors and undergraduate performers, please come to the staging area."
Blaine's mom took Kurt and Blaine's hands in hers and squeezed them tight. "Remember this day," she told them. "It only comes once but the memory can last forever."
Blaine looked to Kurt with love overflowing, then back to his mom. "We will," he said. He kissed her gently on the cheek. "We promise."
A hint of perfume tugged at Kurt's senses and for just a moment he wondered what his mom would have said at his graduation. He knew though that his father was sure to talk enough for the both of them.
"Come on," Blaine said, tugging at his hand. "Wes would kill us if we're late to our last Warbler performance."
But Kurt didn't budge. "Is this our last song together? I mean, with us both moving on, nothing is certain."
"I am certain," Blaine said, his eyes strong. "This doesn't even come close to our last song together. Now come on."
With a smile Blaine pulled him and Kurt couldn't help but laugh. The Warblers were in high spirits. They'd practice the graduation song for weeks, idea after idea thrown around until Blaine had dropped the only song they could possibly sing on the Council's desk. One look at Blaine and Kurt and the vote had been unanimous.
"You better put on your robe," Kurt said, holding the cap that had been waiting backstage for him. Blaine draped the black graduation gown over his shoulders and zipped it up. Kurt straightened his tie, then set the cap upon his head. "So handsome."
"Yes you are," Blaine replied and not even Wes could stop them from kissing.
"Alright places everyone," Nick called and he slipped in between the boyfriends. "Sing your faces off today you two," he said.
"Our faces are too beautiful, but we will sing our hearts out," Blaine said.
With controlled chaos and too much chattering in the excitement of the day, the boys arranged themselves on the risers next to the stage, Blaine and Kurt front and center. They squeezed each other's hands.
"Ladies and gentlemen, good morning and welcome. It's my honor as Headmaster to welcome the graduating class of Dalton Academy."
"Do you wish you could have walked in with them?" Kurt whispered as they watched most of the class file onto the stage and take their seats.
"I'm happy to just be standing by your side," Blaine whispered back.
The Headmaster introduced the faculty and staff and the concert choir, who sang the National Anthem. The Assistant Headmaster gave his speech, and then it was their turn. "Ladies and gentleman, it is my pleasure to introduce to you, the award winning Dalton Academy Warblers."
Blaine and Kurt gave one last look to one another. Behind them their friends, those graduating with Blaine and those to whom he would pass the torch, began the melody. Kurt nodded. And Blaine stepped forward and sang.
I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
Breaking himself from the ensemble, Kurt stepped down to join Blaine.
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
The Warblers had been searching through pages and pages of graduation songs, but one Google search, one look at the title, and they both immediately knew. There was no other song they were meant to sing together.
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
But the Warblers weren't defined by their lead singers, it was the comradery of brothers, the harmony of voices, the way their sound rose up and out to the entire crowd. That's what made them special.
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
As Blaine sang alone again he looked back on his childhood, never following the traditional path, coloring outside the lines. From Broadway to Dalton he'd made mistakes but he couldn't regret a single one because each one had brought him closer to the man he was today. And closer to the man who stood next to him.
I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way
Joining in, Kurt remembered the first words he'd written on a blank page to a boy far away in New York City. Words that had opened up a world to him, let him see and understand and find the words for things he had never before been able to express. And he knew that writing had done the same for Blaine.
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
The truth had always been easier from a distance, their love had been safer. But it was there, from the start, so close they could almost taste it. Until they both came here, to Dalton Academy. And they learned that they didn't need the distance to be safe or loved. All had they had to do was let it in.
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
Everyone joined in, clapping, smiling, and celebrating their past, their present and their future. Every one of them would take next steps, separate and together.
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Blaine and Kurt reached out to one another, closing any distance between them, singing hand in hand. Neither of them knew what would be written in the future. But they did know that Blaine's graduation wasn't the end. It was only the beginning for both of them.
The rest is still unwritten
June 5, 2010
Dear Blaine,
My father was always very quick to anger and even slower to forgiveness. Maybe that's why it's been such a hard thing for me to learn.
I never could forgive myself for letting someone hurt you. What I could do was vow to protect you. And I tried, your whole life. 9/11, theater, NYC itself. Being gay was something that I knew put you at more risk than everything else combined, and I couldn't protect you from that. So in my fear I tried to prevent it. And in your bravery, you wouldn't let me prevent it or protect you. So all I had left was to protect myself. Because you see, you were always a survivor. Born six weeks early, you fought your way out of the NICU and home. You survived him hurting you, you survived 9/11, you survived living in an adult world and when I took that from you, you survived growing up without a father. You were always a survivor, but when you were hurt, it nearly killed me. And I couldn't bear it again. So I pulled away, to protect myself.
I'm not asking for your forgiveness. I'm not even asking for your understanding. I just wanted to explain why I couldn't be there today. At Dalton, you were safe. That campus gave you the love and protection that I never could. It was strong where I was weak. And I didn't want to bring my poison into your safe place. Maybe it would have been fine, but I didn't want to risk a scene or upset you. Your high school graduation is far too important. And I am very proud of you.
I'll be spending the summer in London for work. Your mom will be pretty lonely in that apartment all summer. I'm sure she could use your company. I think she'd like to get to know Kurt better too.
Don't try to smooth things over between Cooper and me. You don't need to get in the middle. He has every right to the anger he feels. As do you.
I do love you. I guess I have a terrible way of showing it. But I have always loved you. And I have always been proud of you.
Someone once said, "Sometimes the one thing you need for growth is the one thing you are afraid to do."
It must seem so ironic, but my biggest fear has always been letting you go. But I shall try. And I hope that in letting you go, we can somehow find our way back to one another.
Love,
Dad
Kurt walked in from the bathroom in his pajamas and hung his towel up next to Blaine's cap and gown. The campus was half empty, no one was watching the dorms. Tomorrow they would leave for Lima for a week and then…
He turned to see Blaine leaning back against the wall, a letter in hand dangling by his thigh, a small smile on his lips. Kurt's brow quirked in curiosity. "That's not from me."
"It's from my Dad," Blaine said. His eyes shimmered gold, even in the evening light. "Mom gave it to me earlier."
Kurt would have expected anger or sadness, but Blaine's voice was full of wonder. He wasn't sure he'd ever understand how Blaine gave his father chance after chance. He knew that he never could have been that strong. But it was one of the things that Kurt loved most about him.
"You can read it." Blaine held the letter out to him. "If you like."
Whether Kurt really wanted to or not, he knew Blaine wanted him to and he took it and sat down on the bed. He was still as he read, taking in each word, trying to see it through Blaine's eyes instead of his own. And he knew that among all the things that hadn't been said, the two most important things had been.
Blaine's dad loved him. He was proud of him.
He'd invited Kurt to stay with Blaine in the apartment for the summer. Even if he wasn't ready to be there himself, Blaine's dad had welcomed him home.
"Well," Kurt said, looking up at his boyfriend. Blaine was watching him intently. "I think we have our summer plans set. Don't we?"
Blaine could hardly breathe. "If it's okay with you. I thought you'd want to talk about it."
"Oh there's a lot I want to talk about." Kurt tossed the letter aside on the bed and stood up. He closed the gap between them, wrapped his arms around Blaine's waist and held him tight. "But not now. I don't want to take that look off your face."
"What look?"
It was a look that Kurt used to see in a child on a barricade. "Hope. Peace. Relief. Freedom. I'd go anywhere with you Blaine. Anywhere with you is okay. New York City though, is the best."
The relief in Blaine's eyes glistened gold and he let out a small laugh. "Kiss me?"
Kurt smiled. "I thought you'd never ask."
Author's Note:
Happy Holidays everyone!
Unwritten, by Natasha Bedingfield
