Title: Bonne Foi
Author: Amethyst Jackson
Category: Drama, Romance
Rating: M
Summary: AU. Edward Masen was changed in 1918 and abandoned by his sire. He feeds on human blood, unaware of any other way…until he stumbles across college freshman Bella Swan for a night that will change everything.
Disclaimer: A writer is like a goddess in her universe…but only one writer is making the money off Twilight, and that's Stephenie Meyer. These are her characters, and I'm just having fun with them.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Our weekends were usually blissful escapes from reality, with a lot of time spent in bed and just being, but the looming memorial kept me slightly on edge. Bella was always a little distant, too, and even though we talked and kissed and even had sex, I felt far away from her the entire weekend.
The memorial took place Sunday afternoon. Bella tossed and turned all Saturday night and ended up sleeping late Sunday morning. I had the chance to say barely two words to her between her eating breakfast and getting ready; she wouldn't let me help her. I put on a decent pair of slacks and a black shirt and waited for her in the living room. She came out in the one dress she owned, appropriately black, with slight make-up and a black ballet flat on her good foot.
"Are you ready?" Bella asked me, clumping forward on her crutches.
"Yes, I'm ready," I said. I had the sense that I should feel something more than I did, and the emotionlessness made me uncomfortable. Something was expected from me that I wasn't delivering; I could see that much from Bella's face. Did she want me to express remorse? Have some kind of breakdown?
"Okay, let's go," Bella encouraged, headed for the door. I followed after her and grabbed her by the arm when she made to go down the stairs on her crutches.
"Let me help you, please?" I all but begged. It wasn't so much my need to protect her speaking, because I knew I could catch her if she were to fall, but I very much wanted her to accept my help, to place her trust in me.
"All right," Bella sighed, holding her crutches in one hand resignedly. I fought a smile as I picked her up, one arm under her knees, the other supporting her back. I much preferred going down the stairs this way to following at a crawl behind her.
"Thank you," she said flatly after I set her down carefully.
I arched an eyebrow. "You're welcome."
Bella opened her mouth to reply, but at that moment, a car door slammed, and we both looked up to see Alice and Jasper approaching. They were both wearing black, and I deduced from Jasper's uneasy thoughts that they were attending the memorial with us. Alice carefully blocked her thoughts, and I knew intuitively that she was withholding a vision from me.
"What are you doing here?" Bella asked, and no one bothered to point out the obviousness of the answer.
"Going to the memorial with you," Alice answered perkily. "Thought you could use the support."
"Oh. Thank you," Bella said, smiling for the first time this morning. "Are we riding together or separately?"
I opened my mouth to say we could ride together – even though I very much wanted to be in the driver's seat today – but Alice spoke first.
"Separate is best today," Alice announced. "We'll follow you."
While I was wondering why separate cars would be necessary – would Jasper have trouble around so many humans? Would Bella get upset? Would I have some unforeseen reaction? – Bella was already moving toward the Aston Martin. Quickly, I rushed forward to the passenger side door in order to help her inside. She slid in without a word, and I strolled with a sigh to the driver's side. I could only hope things would be better after the memorial. Maybe it would release whatever tension had hold of Bella, or…something. I had no desire to go on this way anymore.
The drive to the church where the memorial was being held was, predictably, silent. I hated churches. All the God-this and God-that and never a word about actual people drove me insane. And the thoughts that went on inside churches were a great testament to the hypocrisy of humankind. Sometimes even the priests were thinking about money and sex.
As promised, Alice and Jasper followed us in their vehicle, and they pulled into the spot next to ours in the parking lot. We strolled up to the entrance, where two girls flanked the doors, handing out programs. I accepted mine reluctantly.
"We should sit in the back," Alice advised in a whisper, leaning between Bella and I. "You know, in case anyone needs to make a hasty exit."
Bella frowned. "Is that going to be a problem?"
Alice squeezed her shoulder reassuringly. "Nothing to worry about. Just trust me on this."
"Okay, in the back," Bella agreed. Alice slid into the back pew first, followed by Jasper. I let Bella have the aisle seat, knowing it would be easiest for her with the crutches. She began to flip through the program, and I read over her shoulder, seeing each name, and with it, a face in my mind's eye. Save for the last name, the latest "victim" – a meal for Victoria and James, no doubt, and perhaps whoever the third vampire was that had traveled with them.
Bella didn't speak, though her hands shook, and I didn't know what to say. Anything I thought of seemed just as likely to make things worse as to make them better.
I turned my mind to the thoughts around me. Alice remained focused on keeping me out of her head, and I did my best to make her job easy. Jasper already felt overwhelmed, and a quick dip into his thoughts made the reason apparent – the sadness in this room was thick and heavy.
Toward the front of the room, the families of the victims were seated. All the girls had been given funerals, proper Christian burials, but today's exercise was a kind of group support. Several of the mothers had bonded over their shared tragedy, and when concerned students had contacted them with the idea of a memorial service, they had been eager to participate. I didn't understand the sentiment. I only loved one person, but if I had lost her, I did not think I would take comfort in the sympathy of others, whether they were friends or strangers. The reminder of the loss would help nothing. It would be pouring salt into an already fatal wound, needless cruelty. Humans, evidently, were masochists.
Amongst and behind the families sat friends and significant others. I followed the sound of a particularly distraught mind to see a boy sitting at the far end of one pew, close to the wall. A space remained between him and the next mourner, as if the others instinctively sensed the extremity of his mental state. He wasn't crazy – not by far – but he wasn't fully rational, either.
As I continued to peer into his thoughts, I realized he'd been involved with one of the girls. Very involved. His memories were intimate, of lazy days in bed and taking her home to meet his parents. His arm moved, and I followed the train of his thoughts. His fingers clutched a ring in his pocket.
He'd been planning to propose to the girl. Alex was her name.
I shut out his thoughts. I couldn't stomach any more.
For the fifteen minutes we waited for the service to start, I tried to shut out any thoughts and focused on Bella breathing beside me.
A woman stepped up to the pulpit at the front of the room, though she was obviously not a pastor. For one, she looked about as young as Bella. For another, I doubted many pastors could get away with skirts cut halfway up their thighs.
"Thank you all for coming today," she spoke when her audience quieted. "My name is Cameron Mitchell and I was best friends with Kayla Anderson, the most recent victim in a set of murders that have devastated our small campus. I thought there ought to be a service to remember all of them together, to give the students a chance to grieve together. Friends and family members will be speaking today, but first, we have a slideshow put together by one of our mass media students."
The slideshow didn't do much for me. Just a stream of pictures of the girls in various situations – as children, in high school activities, at college parties, posing with friends. I had seen all the faces before, save for that last one, and I had seen the lives they were leaving behind in their minds. This was accompanied by the sadness of the people who loved them, and that was what made me sorry. The girls were gone, never to return, but the pain would remain for years. All that was left was for me to accept that I could do nothing to change the past – only change my behavior going forward. Which I had done, and would continue to do.
When the slideshow ended and the main lights came back on, I looked at Bella to gauge her reaction. Her face was pale and tense. I curled my hand around hers, urging her to look at me. Her eyes flickered up, and I urged her silently to see that I was not the monster who had done those things. Bella sucked in a breath and gently removed her hand from me.
"I just…need a minute," Bella whispered before struggling to her feet, waving off my attempts to assist her. I sat back helplessly and watched her go out the door, drawing a few stares with her clambering crutches.
Alice was up and moving then, sliding easily past Jasper and I. "Don't worry, I'll take care of her," she promised. I wanted to follow, but Alice shook her head at me before I could move.
"Let her handle it," Jasper urged quietly. "Alice knows what she's doing."
"I'm sure she does," I agreed. "I just wish I knew what she was doing."
"Don't worry about it," Jasper said, and I felt him forcing me not to worry about it. It was hard to be annoyed when an empath was working his voodoo. "Alice sees everything working out, okay?"
"If you say so," I agreed.
Alice and Bella went far enough away from the church that I couldn't physically hear their conversation, but I could still hear Alice's thoughts. The rest of the memorial went completely unnoticed as I listened in – eavesdropping, yes, but if Bella was having second thoughts about me, I needed to brace myself.
"All those girls, Alice," Bella breathed. "What was different about me?"
"You already know what was different. You're not worried that he'd hurt you, are you?"
"No, of course not," Bella said. "That's just it. I'm not worried at all. I knew all along that he wouldn't hurt me."
Alice sighed. "I'm not following, Bella. Where's the problem here?"
Bella tapped her crutch on the ground. "I feel guilty."
Alice was confused. "Survivor's guilt?"
Bella shook her head. "No, it's not that. It's like…I feel bad because I don't feel bad enough for those girls. I mean, they died because my boyfriend was thirsty, but if I had to choose between saving their lives and keeping him…I'd choose him. If he'd never become a vampire, so many people would have lived, and what kind of person am I that I'd trade all those lives to have him here with me now?"
"You're a woman in love, that's what you are," Alice answered. "If it's any reassurance at all, I know exactly how you feel. Jasper has a violent past, too."
Bella turned to look up at Alice. "He killed a lot of people?"
Alice nodded. "Jasper drank human blood for a long time. And then, there were the vampire wars."
"Vampire wars?" Bella repeated.
"That's a story for another time," Alice answered. "What's important is that I know, Bella. I know how it feels to love someone so much that you have to excuse his past because you couldn't live without him."
Bella nodded slowly. "How do you cope with it?"
Alice sighed. "I keep reminding myself that nothing I do can change the past. What are my options, after all? I could leave Jasper. Then we would both be unhappy, and he would probably struggle to keep to his current diet. It wouldn't change what's been done."
"And what about justice? Can we just ignore that?" Bella asked softly.
Alice spent a few moments formulating her answer. "Think about the human justice system. They put people in prison to keep them from hurting anyone else, with the hopes of rehabilitating them. Edward is rehabilitated, wouldn't you say? The same goes for Jasper, or any of our family. As for punishment…I promise you, Bella, he'll be punishing himself for eternity."
Bella nodded slowly. "If I become a vampire, will I be like that? Will I…kill people?"
"No, not necessarily. Accidents do happen, of course, but you'll have Edward to help you, and the rest of us. We can keep you from hurting anyone until you can control the bloodlust."
"How long will it take until I can control it?" Bella asked.
"I can't see that far yet," Alice told her. "It could be one year, could be several. It's different for everyone."
"Do you think I'm making the right choice? About becoming a vampire, I mean?"
"I don't know what the right choice is. I do know that you have to go where your heart takes you. It might not always turn out the way you want, but it will lessen your regrets."
"Okay," Bella nodded. "Thank you, Alice, for talking me through this."
"You're welcome, of course. But you know Edward would talk about this with you, right? He can handle it."
"I know he can. I just don't want him to think I'm having any second thoughts about him. I love him; there's nothing that's going to change that."
"I'm sure he'll see that, in time. Do you want to go back in now? You look cold."
"Yes, please," Bella agreed.
I focused on the chapel and the service again, relieved after hearing their conversation.
Eavesdropping much, Edward? Jasper's thoughts asked. The humans are getting suspicious of you – you've been zoned out too long.
"Sorry," I mumbled, shifting, pretending to be restless.
Bella and Alice returned, taking the seats they'd occupied earlier. This time, Bella reached for my hand, and I held hers securely.
"You okay?" I whispered. I wasn't sure if I would tell her I'd been listening in. Maybe I should wait for her to share those things with me herself.
"Yeah, I'm good," Bella agreed.
There was a reception after the service, but Bella wanted to go straight home. Our two-car arrangement had been unnecessary after all – Alice had had a vision of Bella demanding to leave early, but that crisis had been averted by their heart-to-heart.
Bella went to the bedroom, wanting to change into comfortable clothes, and when I offered to help, she didn't refuse me. Instead of getting new clothes out, however, she leaned her crutches against the dresser and sat on the bed.
"I'm sorry I made you go to that," Bella said, looking up at me as I stood in the doorway.
"Why are you sorry?" I frowned.
Bella stared at the floor, shaking her head. "I said I thought it would be good for you, but I think I was just trying to clear my own conscience. Instead, I ended up punishing you unnecessarily."
I took a step into the room. "Bella, I deserve to be punished."
She shook her head. "You were doing what you had to do to survive. Maybe it's…justified."
My lips pursed. "Justification is one thing. Still, every life has a price…some worth more than others, I would argue, but still, the price must be paid in some way. You can acknowledge that and love me at the same time…can't you?"
Bella nodded, and then used the bed post to struggle to her feet. I lurched forward, but she waved me off and limped toward me.
"Bella," I chided, "You know you're not supposed to be on your feet yet."
"I'll be fine," Bella insisted, eye-rolling my protectiveness. "I've had broken bones before, Edward; a few slips here and there are bound to happen."
I huffed, catching her as she reached me and holding her by the waist. "A slip is an accident. What you're doing is intentional."
"Shut up, Edward. There's something I want to do," she said, resting her hands on my shoulders.
"Okay." I waited, watching her gnaw on her lip. "Were you going to do this thing you wanted, or just stare at me?"
"Well, it requires your cooperation," Bella said, clenching her fingers against my shirt.
"Okay," I said more slowly. "Is this something I'm not going to like?"
Bella shrugged, eying me hopefully. "I'm not sure."
"You realize you will have to tell me what it is you want if we're ever going to do it?" I pointed out.
"I want you to tie me up."
I blinked. If I didn't have impeccable hearing, I would have asked her to repeat herself. Tie her up?
"Have you been harboring a secret bondage fetish all this time?" I wondered. "All you ever had to do was ask."
Bella blushed. "No…yes…I mean, it's something I want to do, but I want to do it now. I want…to put myself completely at your mercy. To show that I do trust you. That I know you."
I fought through a surge of tenderness. "Bella…you don't have to prove anything to me. Besides…you're already completely at my mercy." To make my point, I lifted her easily into the air and held her there.
Bella scowled. "Way to ruin the moment. Look, I know it might not make any difference to you, but I don't feel like I'm powerless when I'm with you. I know if I pushed you, you'd move, or if I asked you to stop, you'd stop."
"And you feel as though you need to prove you trust me?" I asked, smiling at her logic, or lack thereof. I set her gently back on the floor, keeping her close.
"Not that I need to, that I want to. Even if it's irrelevant…well, it'll be fun, won't it?" Bella said, eyes gleaming wickedly. Oh, I had been a bad influence on this woman, and I loved it.
"Hmm. What do you propose I tie you with?" I asked, pretending to consider Bella's proposal, even though I'd already been convinced. The idea of Bella offering herself to me, to that extreme, more than intrigued me.
"If you let me walk over to the dresser, I can show you," Bella said, playing coy. I snorted and opted to carry her over instead, which she bore with uncharacteristic patience. Still held in my arms, she reached into the top drawer of the dresser, one of the ones that had become hers, and pulled out two long, white, gauzy scarves.
I quirked an eyebrow. "Did Alice put those in there, or did you?"
Bella shrugged. "I asked Alice to get them. I thought it would be something we could…er…celebrate with. You know, after the cast comes off. But I'd rather do it tonight."
"Always full of surprises," I grinned, carrying her over to the bed. "I think we should start by taking that dress off. What do you think?"
Bella nodded seriously. "That's a good start."
I placed her on the edge of the bed and leaned over her to slide down the zipper in back, while Bella flattened her hands against my stomach. Then it was only a matter of lifting the black fabric over her head. I smiled when I saw her black bra and white panties.
"The black ones were dirty," Bella explained with a defensive hunch to her shoulders.
I chuckled and popped her bra clasp. "It's cute."
"If you say so," Bella muttered, reaching for my shirt buttons. I brushed her hands away.
"Oh, no. You're going to be tied up, remember? Hands to yourself," I insisted, picking her up easily and placing her strategically on the bed. Bella watched with her lip between her teeth as I picked up the first scarf and eyed the bedpost.
I grasped her wrist, so light and delicate under my hand, and carefully tied the scarf around it. Then I tied the loose ends around the bedpost. Already, I liked the effect, I decided. Her arm held away from her body left her that much more exposed to me. I repeated my motions with her other wrist and took a long moment just to look at her. She always looked vulnerable to me, but she appeared even more so now, arms spread, breasts thrust upward. The natural predator in me reacted forcefully.
Bella waited, watching me, chest rising and falling with her slightly rapid breath. I knelt beside her and slid her panties away. My eyes traveled from her feet to her face. Where to begin?
In the end, I began where I always began, with her lips. Hovering over her, I kissed her slowly, enjoying the simple brush of our lips. Without touching her, without her touching me, that simple contact was somehow even more electric.
Bella sighed, and I pulled away. She pouted.
"Patience," I whispered, placing a very careful kiss to her throat, right where the blood pulsed most strongly. I nuzzled against her shoulder and followed the natural path to her chest. I tongued a rosy nipple and felt her throaty moan. What more could I ever need than moments like this one?
I traversed her chest, suckling at her other nipple. Her back arched, her body silently begging. My hands reached for her thighs, stroking her lush skin. I'd never quite enjoyed her this way before, without the distraction of her hands on my body. It was a new and different kind of bliss.
I shifted into the space between Bella's legs and let my lips drift downward, over her soft belly, lingering briefly on the scar across her pelvis. The lure of her sex drew me down to lap at the silken skin, already slick with her essence. I wondered if I could ever tire of the taste of her. Would she taste differently, when she was a vampire? Oh, but if she were indestructible, I could devour her with abandon, languish in her heady sweetness without fear of being too rough, too hard.
Bella came quickly, her thighs clamping ineffectively around me as her cries echoed around the room. I waited for her to relax again before I pulled away, sitting back on my heels. Bella's skin retained a lovely flush, pink across her chest and cheeks.
"You're still dressed," Bella sighed. Fighting with a smirk, I stood and began to unbutton my shirt. Watching her as she watched me was fascinating. Her eyes flickered from my hands to my bare chest to my face, and on and on. She licked her lips when I shrugged off my shirt. Smiled when I plucked off my shoes and socks. Sucked in a breath when I unbuttoned my slacks. Her eyes followed the zipper, and then I shed my pants and boxers in one move. Her eyes darkened and fixed on my cock. I reveled in her stare for a long moment, loving what the mere sight of my body could do to her.
"See something you want?" I asked.
Bella blinked and her eyes flashed to mine. "What?"
"I asked if you saw something you wanted," I repeated, prowling over her. "And you should answer, because if there is something you want, you're not going to get it until you ask for it."
Bella squirmed. "You want me to talk dirty?"
I nuzzled her throat, grinning. "Just a little. You were brave enough to tell me you wanted to be tied up. Surely you can tell me what you want me to do next."
Bella took a shuddering breath. "I want you to fuck me," she said with shocking firmness. I groaned.
"I don't know why I love hearing you curse, but I do," I confessed, situating myself between her legs.
"I don't know either – ohh," she gasped when I pushed inside her. She was so slick. I started off at a slow pace, acclimating myself once again to the incredible heat and tightness. I listened to the subtle increase of her heart rate and her low moans until it wasn't enough anymore.
"Deeper, I need you deeper," Bella said as though she were the mind-reader. In a swift move, I lifted her legs onto my shoulders and grasped her thighs as the new angle let me get closer. I sank into her with even more ease, and she responded with a sharp gasp.
"Is this what you need?" I asked, taking her hard, fast.
"Yes," Bella hissed, clenching her hands into fists. "Feels so good."
I moaned my agreement and focused on the slippery grasp of her walls around my shaft, drawing me in before reluctantly releasing me again. The rest was a frenzy, a frantic escalation of moans and tremors. I could feel the sweat forming on her skin, could taste her on the air. It was a full-body experience.
"Oh God," Bella cried, and then her moans turned unintelligible, and her orgasm laid waste to us both. Her body's violent reactions, clenching so hard, blood racing, was too much to resist – and wasn't it always this way? My body was a slave to hers, craving her release more than its own.
When the ecstasy dulled into thrumming contentment, I reluctantly pulled back, carefully releasing her legs. I untied her wrists, but she lay languidly for a moment, arms spread and smiling.
"Alive in there?" I teased, lying down beside her.
"Very, very alive," Bella sighed. "Sometimes, I feel like my life didn't begin until the night I met you."
"Believe me, I understand that feeling very well."
A/N: Well, I made it within Mountain Time. Never mind that I live in Central. We hit 10k reviews, so the BPoV is now posted under the title Existence and Essence ("Existence precedes essence" - Jean Paul Sartre).
