I would like to say my trousers were completely dry the whole time, and there were no piss marks on them at all in this particular instance. With that out of the way, I was a true manly man who ever was a man and said in direct response to the utterly not scary bird monster, "So w-what's going on?" My voice is clear of all stutters and voice cracks.

"Nothing much," she said. Her voice was monotone. "You seem to be lost."

"Yep, I guess it definitely uh…" I looked around for somewhere to not escape to. Because I didn't need to. Because I was a man. "Definitely seems like that." Fuck.

"Joker, right?"

"That's me!" I spat a little too loudly. It was to intimidate this totally harmless looking monster. Not because my voice keeps cracking or anything.

"I have something to show you." I felt something grasped my shoulder. That was all I had before my entire world turned around, and I saw the door with claw marks all over it.

"Hey, that's pretty cool, but I think my room was in the opposite direction," I quickly said, still fearless. Korak then pushed me, still keeping her hand grasped on me. She pushed me closer to the door, and I could hear her heavy plods behind me. "Hey, that room seems off limits, so I'll just go the other way if that's okay with you, okay buddy?"

"No, this room is completely open. Nobody's in it right now," she replied, the second sentence really strangely spoken. Once I was in front of the door, she practically smashed her fist on the door button. The door opened slowly. Like, very slowly.

And I got a very good view of some dried blood stains on the floor. Paint was scratched off. Other strange liquids were present, including some really strange iridescent green goo that seemed to have leaked onto the floor. All in all, my 'nope' meters are off the fucking charts.

Then, I got an excellent view of a chair with straps, several tables with weird, sharp objects on it, bundles of syringes upon counters, green-goo filled containers, and several other strange devices with straps. If I had to guess, this was a torture room. Or a crackhouse.

"Now, Joker, we don't explore the darker parts of the ship," she said darkly, her voice ringing in my ear. It was as if she was hunched down, ready to nibble one of my ears. "Bad things happen to those who seek darkness."

"Yep, I think I got the message," I said as bravely as possible, then felt her grip disappear, and the door slammed shut. Being spared from the gruesome sight and of the tight grasp of my captain, I turned and fucking ran. I sprinted. I booked it. Whatever you want to say, I got out of there.

"Good," I heard reverberate in the dark halls.


We stopped at a port after a week, or what felt like a week. The weird part about this ship, besides the obvious xeno torture undertone, was that we utilized warp travel rarely. Every ship I've been on has two different ways of travel: void and warp. Warp was way faster, but some guys were on edge during it and occasionally there were daemons or something. I've only met one, and it was pretty alright.

Anyways, we got to a port, and the captain let us know we had three days to relax. I wasn't about to let this opportunity pass up, so I got my melta gun and my armor minus helmet. Those fucking thieves. I asked around for where we left the ship, and soon, I found myself outside the vessel.

And boy, the sight was grand. It was basically a city with an overall medieval appeal with several large metal things poking out of it. There was a tall spire in the middle. I saw other ships docked, too.

Overall, pretty cool. When I got off and officially entered the port, I honestly didn't know what to do. Why the hell did I get off the ship? What is there to do? I went through a long corridor, and found myself in a little place with a few people walking around. There seemed to be little stalls set up, and a single guy who looked like Judge Dredd was overlooking the area.

Being the boring guy I was, I decided to turn around and hike it back to the ship when I ran into somebody I knew. "Joker, there you are! I didn't find you in the room, so I assumed you were already off," Clare said while coming up to me.

"Well here I am. If you had been one minute earlier, you probably never would have found me."

"What a shame that would have been," was her response. Sarcasm was not my forte, but I could detect it from a mile away. "What do you wanna do here?"

"I honestly don't know, dude."

"I don't either. I've never been on a port," she idly said. We began walking together into the port city thing. "Well, I've been at one, obviously, but I've never really left the ship since I always had paperwork or was stationed aboard."

"That sucks, dude," I replied. An idea popped up into my mind. "Wanna go on some sort of quest to solve something?"

She looked at me with a very disapproving stare. "A quest." Her voice was very disapproving, as well.

"A quest," I replied.

"And what would we be solving?"

"I dunno, illegal shit. Gang stuff, dude," I tried to say as cool as I possibly could.

"Why would we deal with gangers when the Arbites would deal with it better than us?"

"Okay, dude, think of it like this, right. We're not guard, we're more or less random crew guys for a ship. So, here's the thing: We're allowed to weird stuff and get away with it." Her disapproving stare only got worse.

"It doesn't feel right. I think I'd have more fun on the ship." Wow, she was no fun at all.

And I'm okay with that. "Sure. Let's go, then." I turned around, but she stopped completely.

"Wait, really?"

"Well, we don't know what to do here, so why not spend time on the ship? It's a lot less dangerous."

She took a moment of silence before following me. "I agree with you. Let's spend some time together on the ship." She had a small smile on her face. Of course, I am nothing if not attentive.

"Woah, together?" Her smile got a little deeper. I know it sounds horrible, but I want it to dip down a little bit just so I could make it better. "I dunno, man, I told this one chick I'd chill with her."

"One chick? Who would that be?" She asked in a knowing tone.

"You know that one in the black armor back on that one planet?" Extremely vague, but it'd suffice. She looked at me incredulously.

"Her? Really, Joker? Really?"

"What, do you think this is a joke?" Clare completely stopped in her tracks, and I followed suit like a good sheep.

"Her."

"Eh… Well, I guess there's somebody more important to me I could spend time with," I sleazily said. Clare's little smile came back. "The captain definitely seemed lonely."

"Joker, stop teasing me," she said, her smile a little bit wider.

"What?" I asked, a joking tone in my voice, "I can't help it, those xenos, man. Irresistible."

"That's the talk of a heretic," she tried to say seriously.

"What're you, an inquisitor?"

"I'm Inquisitor Clarissa. I'll have you burned at the stake for that kind of xenos worship," she said with a masculine voice.

"That's pretty hot."

"What does that even mean?" she asked.

It was gonna be a good three days.


This was gonna be the worst three days. Let me elaborate: Have you ever been in the middle of something fun, but then life knocks at your door and, if you don't answer, you die? Yeah, that happened to me. Clare and I were just chatting it up, and the intercom says, "Joker, to the bridge."

So I get there as quickly as I could, and what happens? I see Korak, Astok, and some random guy all standing there, looking ready for combat. Astok has what appears to be Cadian guard flak armor on her chest, and a chainaxe. Korak had her everything. The random guy has a helmet on, a scarf around the helmet, what I think is called carapace armor, and a silk cloak over it. In one hand is a laspistol of some kind and in the other, a god damn power sword. It actually looked Eldar-ish. AP3 is still pretty nice.

"What is this?" I asked before anybody got a chance to say anything.

"We're going on an adventure!" Korak exclaimed.

"We have business to attend to is what the captain means to say," said the guy in armor. His voice was quite familiar. In fact, it sounded robotic, and not just because of the helmet.

I decided to take a stab at it. "Albertus?"

"The one and only," his monotone voice said. "You are to accompany us, Joker."

"Why me, again?" I asked.

"I like you," Korak explained.

"The captain likes you," Albertus said at the same time.

"Hey, you don't have to say everything for me, Al. I'm a big girl!"

"You're a xenos, and imperials don't like xenos. I'll do the talking."

"But I'm a Hero of the Imperium!"

Albertus sighed, an awful sound. "I know, sir, but they won't care for that."

"I met the Emperor and everything! I got a tattoo, and I have a hat. There is no reason why they should view me as anything but a faithful Imperial." Back up, what? Met the Emperor? Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but this kroot is insane, right? So if that's any indication, she hasn't actually done that. I could be wrong, however.

"Sir, it's because you… Look, I can't explain it all here."

"You always say that!"

"And you always forget to ask me later."

"But you always say you don't want to talk to me unless it's business!" Korak sounded much like a child.

"And asking me about Imperials and Xenos relations is not business."

"So I'll never have that answered?"

"No. Now, our mission is awaiting us. Let's go." Albertus took one foot in front of the other, and I saw fit to join him there. His head turned towards what I could only assume was my weapon before looking back towards the exit. He stopped next to me, then said, "I don't like melta guns." The plot only gets thicker, I swear. And I feel so left in the dark!

"Care to elaborate?" Time to turn on a light.

"Has Korak talked about Dorian?"

"A little bit."

"He's my best friend in this universe. Melted half of my body in order to slay a daemon. I didn't like melta guns from then on, and still don't." Shit dude, that's deep.

"So you guys aren't friends anymore?"

"I told you that he is my best friend," he replied. Either Albertus really doesn't have friends or he is secretly a really chill guy. I'm voting on the former.

And thus, we all left the ship, looking like quite the mish mashed group. I never got told what the mission was about.


"We demand entry to the holy Ecclesiarchy's cathedral here," Albert yelled at some guy.

"You have foul xenos in your company!"

"They are sanctioned, you old fool," Albertus replied.

"What does it matter? This is holy ground of the Emperor!"

Korak busted in with something I honestly didn't expect, pushing Albertus to the side. "Love the Emperor for He is the salvation of mankind. Obey his words for He will lead you into the light of the future," Korak knelt before the old man. "I ask to seek that light, as I have been, holy priest. I mean no disrespect upon His holy name, as I am unworthy to speak it."

The old man was aghast for a solid minute before moving off to the side. "Honour His servants for they speak in His voice," the man said quietly.

Korak got up, and said just as quietly, "Tremble before His majesty for we all walk in His immortal shadow."

What the actual shit, dude. A xenos was entering a holy imperial church. It seemed the few people inside that caught a glimpse at the entrance were in utter terror at the entrance of us. I was in tow, so I had a pretty good view of the whole thing.

The room was huge, and there were benches that people were sitting at. A few were staring at us, of course, but most were turned towards the altar that rested in what appeared to be the middle of the room. There were three other sections of the place that mirrored the section we were in. The whole place was ornate and quite golden.

Korak stopped halfway into walking towards this altar in the middle. A man was kneeling before it. This was no priest, I could tell. What I could tell was that he had some strange aura that rubbed me the wrong way. Don't get me wrong, I try not to hate people the moment I see them, but this guy was unnatural.

Korak whispered, "Ricard?" The name bounced off the walls of the cathedral, a ghostly effect. The man kneeling over seemed to hear as he straightened up. "Ricard?" she asked once more, louder.

The dude turned around, and he looked hella old. I'm not going to lie, I saw wrinkles upon wrinkles, and a white as fuck mustache resting on his face. He was bald, too. He stood, and I got a better look at him. Two bolt pistols rested upon his hips.