Chapter 29 – When A Man Loves A Woman

'When a man loves a woman, he can't keep his mind on nothing else. He'll trade the world for the good thing he's found. – Percy Sledge

The woman behind the counter at the coffee shop raised her brow inquisitively after Castle placed his order.

"Only one this morning?" she asked.

He smiled warmly. "Yes, just one."

"Oh," the cashier said, a slight lilt in her voice. "She's mad at you again, isn't she?"

"No, she isn't mad at me," he answered with a laugh.

"You're mad at her?"

"No, nothing's wrong," he assured.

She regarded him with suspicion that spoke of disbelief. "How long have you been ordering coffees from me?"

"Is that your way of telling me it's our anniversary?" he quipped, earning himself an amused smirk from the motherly woman who had been making his and Beckett's coffee all of these years.

"Don't be glib, young man," she chastened lightly. "I've been around long enough to know a thing or two, and among those things is the knowledge that when you only order one coffee, something is wrong between you and your lady detective."

He laughed lightly. "Rachael, I assure you that everything is fine between Kate and I. She's busy this morning. I won't be seeing her until later."

She studied him for a moment, obviously gauging his truthfulness. "Alright, I'll take your word for it…for now."

"That's kind of you."

"When you only order one coffee or no coffee at all, I worry about the two of you," she said as she prepared his order.

"Sometimes we worry about us too," Castle commented.

"When are you going to bring her in here so I can properly meet her?" Rachael asked. "I've only seen her in pictures."

"I'll bring her in one day," he promised.

She shot him a look. "You've been telling me that for awhile now."

"And I mean it, I'll bring her to see you, and then she can tell you how much she loves your coffee," he said with a wink.

Rachael smiled and handed him his cup. "Make sure you do. When's the new book coming out?"

"September," Castle answered. "And as always, you will receive a special autographed copy."

"I look forward to it," she said. "And I expect you to be in here tomorrow buying two cups of coffee."

He grinned. "I'll be here."

"Have a nice day, Rick," Rachael told him as she smiled at him fondly.

"You too," he replied as he gave her one last smile and then turned away from the counter. As he walked through the shop, his gaze landed on a pensive looking Jim Beckett sitting at a table by the window.

Curiosity got the best of him and he walked towards the table without thought and when he reached it, he said the man's name, catching his attention.

"Hello, Rick," Jim said as he glanced up at the writer. "Are you getting Katie's coffee?"

He smiled. "No, this one's for me."

Jim laughed as he nodded to the seat across from him. "Sit down, Rick. How is she going to feel about not having her coffee delivered?"

Castle chuckled. "Oh I make her fend for her self once in awhile. It makes her appreciate me more."

"You think so?" the older man asked in amusement.

He shrugged, his own gaze full of humor. "If not, she's at least gracious enough to allow me to think so."

"Women are good for that."

"I'm off the hook for coffee delivery today anyway," Castle commented. "She's not home."

Jim looked at him in surprise. "She isn't? Who's with Johanna?"

"Johanna's with her. They're going shopping; I believe she termed it retail therapy."

"That means Johanna wants to go to Macy's," Jim replied. "Katie didn't tell me they were going out when she called this morning to demand that I be there this evening because she has plans with you and she doesn't want to hear any excuses."

Castle gave a short laugh. "She can be a little bossy."

"So can her mother."

"I've noticed," he replied good naturedly.

Jim caught his eye. "So are you and Katie dating or not?"

Castle sighed. "She says we're unofficially together."

He smiled sympathetically. "That sounds like something Katie would come up with."

"It was a little discouraging at first," Rick admitted.

Jim regarded him with a knowing look. "But then you changed your mind about it."

"I had to focus on the right word in that sentence."

Kate's father laughed. "Which is why there's been the sudden appearance of flowers, candy and spoilers for the new book."

Castle nodded. "Pretty much."

"What's next?" Jim said lightly. "Jewelry?"

Castle smirked at him, his eyes still dancing with amusement. "Is this the 'what are your intentions with my daughter' conversation?"

"Should it be?"

"I guess that's up to you. You're her father…you'd be well within your rights to interrogate me if you so choose."

Jim chuckled. "Oh believe me, Rick, the day will come."

"So you're letting me off the hook today?" he asked.

He nodded. "For today…but not permanently."

"Understood."

"Truth is, Rick, sometimes I feel sorry for you," Jim laughed. "Katie's just like her mother…it makes me sympathetic to your cause."

"Someone probably should be," he said lightly, feeling camaraderie with the man.

"Of course, when the chips are down, then I have to be on Katie's side, I'm sure you understand."

"Absolutely," Castle said and when silence fell between them for a moment he took the opportunity to ask, "What are you doing here this morning, Jim?"

"I needed to get out of the house," he answered. "And I figured there was no reason to show up this early at Katie's, I figured I owed it to Johanna to give her a few more hours of peace. Although now I know I would've shown up for nothing if I had decided to go."

"I'm sure she missed you yesterday," Castle commented.

Jim looked at him humorously. "I'm sure she didn't, and I don't blame her."

"Did you miss her?" he teased.

"In a way," he answered. "But then on the other hand, I was kind of glad for a little space…I think we needed a break."

"Understandable."

"Do you ever need a break from Katie, Rick?" he asked lightly.

Castle's eyes gleamed merrily and he leaned closer. "Is this conversation confidential?"

"Absolutely," Jim said.

His gaze darted around as if he were afraid that Kate might pop up behind him and hear what he was about to say. "Sometimes," he began, "When she's being a tad bit too stubborn…I feel the need to go away for a short while."

Her father laughed. "Your secret is safe with me."

Silence fell between them but Castle made no move to go. He waited, debating about whether or not to gently prod the man into telling him what was on his mind, when finally he began to speak again.

"Johanna and I will have been married for 35 years," Jim stated.

"Kate told me that you had an anniversary coming up soon," Castle remarked.

He smiled. "The 18th. 35 years...add to that a year of dating and three years of being friends…and more than friends," he added with a laugh and Castle laughed with him in understanding. "Add all of that up and you get a total of 39 years," Jim said, "And you'd think after that many years of being wrapped up in Johanna Elizabeth McKenzie Beckett, that she would have lost the power to drive me crazy…but she hasn't. She hasn't lost one damn ounce of that power."

"That's a good thing, isn't it? Doesn't that just go to show that she was and still is the right one?"

"I suppose so," Jim answered; but there was no mistaking the love in his eyes as he spoke of his wife. "I can remember a time when I wasn't so sure about it though."

"What did you do about it?"

Jim laughed quietly. "In a moment of desperation to figure it out, I took the matter to my father."

"What did he say?" Castle asked; intrigued by the topic as he could admit to himself that it was the type of question he wouldn't have minded asking a father figure about…maybe he could've avoided a few mistakes along the way if he'd had a little more guidance in that area. His mother had always done her best and he loved her for it…but there were some things that he figured could only be passed on from one man to another.

Jim leaned back in his chair, the memory making him smile. "Well at first he looked at me and said, 'I already told you that she's the one; now go buy her a ring and be done with it'."

The writer chuckled. "So he was a fan of Johanna's even before marriage?" he asked. "I've heard her mention that she was close to your father."

"My father adored her from the first moment he met her, which was even before we were dating. He always claimed that he knew the first time he met her that she was the one I was supposed to be with. I thought he was crazy," he remarked with a laugh. "I didn't think it was possible for a parent to look at someone and know that was who their child was meant to be with…but I've since revised my thinking."

"Because he was right?"

"No," Jim stated as he held his gaze. "I've revised my thinking because I look at you and know you're the person that Katie is meant to be with."

Castle looked at him, his mouth opening and then closing as he found himself at a loss for words. What was he supposed to say to that? Thank you? He wasn't sure, although he briefly considered saying, 'Could you please tell your daughter that', but he didn't think that would be appropriate.

Jim chuckled as he looked at the expression on Castle's face. "That's probably how I looked when my father said it to me about Johanna."

"How accurate is this 'detection' by fathers?"

Jim shrugged. "Well, I married Johanna. My siblings married the people my father thought they would…in the case of you and Katie, I guess only time will tell, and maybe one day you'll have first hand experience when Alexis introduces you to a man she cares about and you suddenly know that he's the one she's meant to be with."

This time his face blanched at the thought, causing the older man to laugh all the more.

"Don't worry, Rick, it's not going to happen tomorrow. You probably have a few years before you have to worry about that."

He shook his head. "I'm not ready to think about that…she's still too young. She's…"

"Your little girl," Jim finished for him, "And you don't want to give her away, but you will one day when the right one comes along…just like one day I'll walk Katie down the aisle, but that doesn't mean we relinquish our claims on a piece of their hearts as the men who loved them first."

Castle smiled. "So they're always going to be their fathers little girls?"

"Always," Jim told him and then after a moments pause he looked at the writer and teased, "Which scenario worries you more, Rick? The fact that I said you are the one Katie is meant to be with or the thought that one day you'll be giving Alexis away?"

"Both scenarios are worrisome in their own way," he admitted. "But at the moment, the win may have to go to Alexis. I'm having a hard enough time knowing that she's going to be moving into a dorm room in a few weeks…the thought of her getting married is downright terrifying."

"Don't worry, when the time comes, you can always threaten the man before the wedding."

He regarded Kate's father with a raised brow and a hint of a grin. "Do you have a speech prepared for your future son-in-law?"

Jim smiled. "Most definitely."

Castle laughed and hoped that one day he would be the one hearing it. "Did Johanna's father threaten you?"

"Not really. Jo's father was a difficult man where she was concerned. Their relationship wasn't like mine and Katie's or yours and Alexis's."

"Why was that?"

"I don't know," Jim replied; "But it was painful to watch at times. Every now and then she would make an effort to try and make things better between them but he always rebuffed her."

"Did the two of you get along?"

"Frank didn't seem to have a problem with me, but I didn't like him. I tolerated him for Johanna's sake and Katie's but I didn't condone the way he treated her and I made that known to him on occasion, not that it made a difference. The only thing he said to me the day of the wedding was that I better take care of her, and that I better intend on being with her for the rest of my life because he wasn't about to be one of those parents who allowed a divorced daughter and her children to move back home so they could be a burden to him."

"Nice," Castle stated.

Jim nodded. "And that was one of his good days. He didn't need to worry, even if something would've happened and Jo and I had split up, she would've never gone home to her parents. She would've never even considered it."

"Was it ever good between them?"

"From what I know, no, not really. We'd been married for ten years when Frank died, and in all of that time he showed her very little affection. I still remember this time we were at her parents for dinner and it was in the newspaper about a case she had won, it was a rare moment when Frank actually acted proud of her and when he walked past where she was sitting, he kissed the top of her head. You should've seen the stunned expression on her face; she caught my eye and whispered, 'Did that really happen or did I imagine it?'."

"That's terrible," Castle replied. "I can't imagine treating my child like that."

"Neither can I."

"I guess it was a good thing Johanna had your father," he told him.

Jim nodded. "He tried to fill that role for her the best he could."

"Did he ever give you better advice about how to know if she was the one?" he asked.

"He told me that I would know she was the one if she was the first thing I thought of when I woke up in the morning, and the last thing I thought of before I went to sleep. He said she was the one if she made bad days good and good days better. She was the one if she made me happy, if she made me laugh, if she was the person I sought comfort from. She was the woman I was meant to be with if I put her and her needs and feelings above my own; if I would go out of my way to protect her, to solve her problems, to take away her pain, if all I wanted was to make her happy. She was the right one if I couldn't stand the thought of her being with someone else, and I would know she was the one if when I pictured the future, I saw her there with me," Jim told him.

He digested all of that, found that it all applied to a certain woman in his life and then looked at Jim. "I think your father must've been a very wise man."

"He was," Jim agreed.

"Does Johanna still fit all of those things?" he asked cautiously.

Jim was quiet for a long minute and then he held Castle's gaze and gave him a hint of a smile. "Of course she does. I've never stopped loving her, she's never stopped being the one, but we've run into something that isn't as easily dealt with as other issues we've faced over the years."

Castle hesitated for a moment as he debated broaching the topic of Johanna and his opinions in regards to the current situation. "Listen," he said quietly, catching the other man's eye. "I don't want to overstep my bounds and I don't purport to know Johanna like you do or Kate does…but I just really don't think she's done what you think she has."

"Why is that?" Jim asked, although he was sure he had figured out his feelings already but he was curious about what the writer thought of his wife and her character.

"Because I know from personal experience what a cheating wife looks like," Castle answered, "And Johanna doesn't fit the description."

"And what is the description?"

"It's always in the eyes," Castle said as he recalled Meredith's lying eyes. She had always been so transparent.

"Is that all?"

"No, there are also the flimsy answers and excuses…the distance…the gut feeling that something just isn't right."

"Which one of your wives put you through this experience?" Jim asked.

"Meredith," he answered. "Alexis's mother."

"And you don't think Johanna fits the criteria?"

Castle shook his head. "No, I look at her eyes and I don't see any lies there. I see a lot of pain, remorse, longing, and love, but no lies, no sign that she's hiding something. The answers she's given don't seem flimsy, they sound honest; and I don't even think we can accuse her of making excuses, because her excuses for leaving are rooted in fact and she's accepted responsibility for that and she's desperately trying to make amends, which is definitely not a trait of a cheating wife. She isn't distant from you; from what I've witnessed she's affectionate towards you and obviously still very much in love with you."

Jim smiled. "Maybe you should've been a lawyer, Rick. You make a good case."

"If I was a lawyer I'd probably be disbarred within the first week. I'd probably encourage witnesses to make their stories more entertaining," he laughed.

"That wouldn't go over well," Jim agreed.

"Probably not," Castle said, "So it's probably a good thing I became a writer and can only wreak havoc on the lives of fictional characters; but getting back to Johanna, there is something else in her favor."

"What's that?"

"Throughout this current issue, Kate has never once given any indication that she's doubted her mother's word, and in my opinion, if anyone was going to doubt her, it would be Kate…but she hasn't. She's been there for her, offering her support and trying to keep her spirits up. If Kate believed or had any doubts that Johanna had betrayed you in that way, the progress they have made would be gone and she'd be backing you up a hundred percent on this."

"You really think so?" Jim asked.

"Absolutely. If Kate thought for a moment that her mother had done this…Johanna would be right back where she started with her and there would probably be no hope of a come back."

It was a sentiment that rang true within him, and in all truth it was something Jim had thought about himself the night before. If Katie trusted her and believed her innocent, then didn't that count for something?

"My mother doesn't seem to doubt her either," Castle threw in. "And when the occasion calls for it, my mother can be a good judge of character. If Johanna was lying, I'm sure she would've picked up on it when they talked and she would've called her out on it."

"How did they enjoy their day together?" Jim asked.

"They both said they had a nice time together and hoped to do it again. They seem to get along pretty well."

"Good, I know Johanna needs someone other than me and Katie to talk to, a friendship with Martha would be good for her."

"And maybe Johanna can be a good influence on my mother," Castle quipped.

"Don't let Jo fool you, Rick; she's had her moments of troublemaking and mischief," he laughed.

"Well, in that case, at least they'll have each other in the holding cell until we get there to bail them out."

"What makes you think they'll need bail money?" Jim chuckled.

"They're planning a girl's night out in the future," Castle answered. "You know that can't be good."

"I don't know any such thing, although if there is a need for bail money, she'll probably call Katie first."

They laughed and silence fell for a few moments before Castle looked across the table at Jim.

"I had a conversation with Johanna not long ago, she told me all she wants is to go home and I made the remark that she was home; but she corrected me, she said she wasn't there yet, that home was with you, in the house you bought her when she was pregnant with Kate, where her heart and memories are. I don't doubt for a moment that she meant those words, Jim. There was too much anguish and longing behind them, too much love in her eyes. She just wants you; she just wants to go home."

"I know," he said quietly. "I've never doubted her any time that she's said those things to me."

"So do you think that the two of you can work this out?" Castle asked, "Because even though Kate hasn't said anything, I can tell she's starting to worry, and Johanna is obviously more than worried."

"I guess we'll see," he answered, but his tone and the look in his eyes seemed to imply that he had made up his mind.

"You're not going to tell me?" Castle said lightly, easing the mood. "That's not fair, especially when I was ready to let you interrogate me about my intentions."

"I can still do that if you want," Jim told him as he laughed.

"Forget it, you already let me off the hook, and you won't give me the answer to the Jim and Johanna saga, so now you'll just have to wait."

"I've waited this long," he quipped. "I suppose I can wait awhile longer."

"That's only fair."

"So does that mean you're confident that things are going to work out between you and Katie?" he asked; turning the tables on him.

Castle thought it over. "I'm confident that I'm going to do everything in my power to make it that way…now if your daughter cooperates…that's a whole different story."

He grinned. "Good luck, Rick."

"You too," he told him. "And if you find yourself in need of flowers, there's a little shop down the street, the owner is named Ricardo, tell him I sent you."

"Thanks for the tip," Jim replied. "I'll keep it in mind."

Castle nodded and picked up his coffee cup in anticipation of rising from his seat. "And thank you for the advice."

"What advice?"

"About how to know when you've found the right one…and about daughters and the threatening of future son-in-laws," he told him.

"Any time, Rick," Jim said as he extended his hand to shake the author's.

"We have to stick together," Castle quipped. "Those Beckett women are troublesome."

Jim laughed. "They're trouble all right…and complicated."

"A wise woman told me that it's the complicated ones who are worth your time and effort."

"Do I know this wise woman?" Jim asked; a knowing look in his eyes.

"It's possible."

Jim held his gaze. "They're trouble, they're complicated…but they're also very special."

"I agree," Castle told him and then he said his goodbyes and left Jim alone with his thoughts once again.


"Do you think we'll run into Melanie today?" Johanna asked as she and Kate meandered through Macy's.

"I hope not," Kate answered; and then catching the slight gleam in her mother's eye that suggested she might be hoping for a repeat of their last trip, she stated, "Running into people isn't something we want to do."

Johanna gave her a pointed look. "I know that, Katie. I was kidding."

"I don't think you were kidding all that much. You enjoyed that little fiasco and I'm sure you'd like another one as a pick me up but we can't make a habit of running into people or we're going to find ourselves in a situation we don't want."

Her mother sighed as she looked at her. "Kate, don't take this the wrong way."

"That's never good."

"I understand our situation here," Johanna told her. "I know what's at stake; I know we can't afford to run into people, I know all of that. You don't have to keep telling me, I haven't forgotten and I don't enjoy being lectured like I'm a five year old."

"I don't lecture you like a five year old," Kate replied.

"Yes you do; there are moments when you sound more like my mother than my daughter."

"I don't mean to sound like your mother, but you have to know how things are, and like it or not, it's my job to take care of you."

"Can't you do that while respecting the fact that I'm a grown woman who is still in her right mind with a reasonable amount of intelligence and well aware of everything that we're dealing with? Can't you do your job while respecting the fact that I'm your mother, instead of acting like you're mine?" Johanna asked gently.

She felt chastened, and it wasn't a feeling she enjoyed but she bit back a sharp retort and thought over what her mother had said. Maybe she did make her feel as though she was treating her like a child…after all she had made that remark before. She didn't mean to make her feel that way…but she had a job to do…she had to keep her safe, but, she reasoned, that didn't necessarily mean she had to make her mother feel like a five year old who was being punished.

"I'm sorry," she replied. "I don't mean to treat you like a child or imply that you're not aware of the dangers."

"It's okay," Johanna told her. "You don't have to be sorry. This is difficult for both of us, but I had a wonderful mother who I loved very much, and there isn't a day that goes by when I don't wish that she was still in this world with me, but she's gone, and I don't need a substitute mother…I need my daughter."

"I'm sorry," she repeated again, because she wasn't entirely sure what to say. "I'll try to do better."

"My mother always said that we are all works in progress, all we can do is our best and keep our minds open to improvement."

"I said I'd try," Kate told her, feeling as though she was still being lectured, even if it was being done in a soft tone of voice that implied it wasn't meant to be taken that way.

Johanna studied her expression and she didn't like what she saw there. She feared that Kate had taken it the wrong way after all. "I wasn't trying to hurt you," she said quietly. "Please don't be angry with me."

The statement softened her. "You didn't hurt me, and I'm not angry…I get it. I guess I just didn't realize how I was coming off sometimes. We're fine."

She gave her a small smile. "Then wipe that look off of your face. We're at Macy's; Macy's is supposed to be a happy place," Johanna said lightly; hoping to diffuse the situation.

Kate laughed. "The place where troubles go to die…in the shoe department."

Johanna grinned. "Exactly. You can't be unhappy here."

"Shall we go to the shoe department first?"

Her mother shook her head. "No, you always save the best for last; and believe me; we will be going there…I need a new pair of shoes."

"Again?"

She nodded. "I need the right pair for this new part of the game."

Kate had a feeling that meant she needed something to give her a little extra confidence when she faced her husband that evening. They wandered around the store companionably, each of them picking up an item here or there and Johanna eventually, discreetly, turned them into the direction of the nightgowns and lingerie department.

She looked through a few racks of various nightgowns and pajamas, trying to make it seem as though she wasn't looking for something specific before she turned her attention to a rack of nightgowns that were sexier and made in various materials, ranging from lace to satin to silk.

Johanna sighed as she looked through the nightgowns. It used to be easier, she thought to herself. When she was in her 20's it had been relatively easy to be sexy…she didn't even really have to work at it, all it took was the right dress, or the right lingerie, or an enticing little nightgown.

In her 30's sexiness had came with confidence, she was madly in love with her husband, their marriage was stable and passionate. She didn't really have to try back then, but she made the effort from time to time…and she could feel her cheeks warm with the memory of date nights that usually only found them out of the house for a few hours before they returned home, spending the rest of the night passionately wrapped up in one another until dawn, secure in the knowledge that their daughter was tucked away with a grandparent or aunt until the morning.

In her 40's she had been secure in the knowledge that her husband still loved her and desired her…that after more than a decade of marriage he would still take the opportunity to pull her into a secluded spot for a searing kiss, and his hands were still known to wander…like those times during lunch dates when his hand would be on her knee one moment and gliding upwards the next, a smirk on his lips as he waited to see how far she'd let him get, and she knew that when she turned out the light at night, there was always the chance that he wouldn't let her go to sleep. Memories of that skimpy dark blue satin nightgown that she used to own flicked across her mind and she smiled, it always spent more time on the floor than it did on her.

She spent her 50's alone. She frowned as she thought about that, it wasn't a new thought of course, but still, that was a whole decade of her life that she had spent without him…without that comfort and security that she was still enough. Another sigh escaped her lips as she pushed the hangers down the rack. Yes, it had been easier in the past. Now she was 60…1, she forced herself to clarify, she was 61, and while she had inherited her mother's good genes and was as Kate put it, aging gracefully, the fact remained that she was older. She had managed to keep in shape; there were times when her troubled mind led her to spend more than one day a week at the gym, running on the treadmill, and she thanked God every morning for the fact that her hair was still its natural color. Sure, once in awhile she'd found strands of grey mixed in the strands of dark brown…but they never stayed there long because she always yanked them out…even though she knew she wasn't supposed to, but she wasn't at the point where coloring was necessary and she was grateful. But with that said, there was the matter of those little lines forming around her eyes…the reading glasses that were often perched on her nose…and that damn number that signified her age.

It wasn't that she thought that Jim didn't desire her, their few steamy encounters had confirmed that he did, and really she probably didn't need to go through this trouble, but she wanted to. If she played her cards right and the opportunity presented itself…then she wanted to look good for him…she wanted their first time back together to be special; but of course she could be jumping the gun here…there was no guarantee that her plan would work. She could be tormenting herself about sexiness for nothing…and wouldn't that just be her luck?

The sound of Kate's quiet laughter broke her reverie. She had been so lost in her thoughts that she had forgotten that her daughter was standing next to her. "What?" she asked.

Kate regarded her with amusement. "Nothing, it's just that I've never seen anyone look so serious while looking at nightgowns."

Johanna rolled her eyes. "I'm sure it wasn't as bad you're making it seem."

"Oh but it was," she replied. "You looked like you were trying to decide if you should give someone your kidney or something."

She narrowed her eyes at her but there was a light smile on her lips. "You just behave yourself, Katherine; or I'll be forced to punish you."

"Like watching you shop for 'seductive' wear isn't punishment enough," she retorted playfully.

"Who said anything about seduction!" Johanna exclaimed quietly, as her hand fell away from the rack.

Kate laughed. "Why else would you be concentrating so hard on silk nightgowns?"

"It's not like that."

"Sure it isn't," she said in teasing disbelief.

Johanna looked away from her and went back to searching the rack, everything seemed to be geared towards younger women and she was becoming discouraged until her hand fell upon a dark red silk nightgown. She smiled, it was reminiscent of the blue one she had long ago. The straps were thin and it would fall a few inches above the knee. It was understated; it had an air of simple elegance that wouldn't make her feel out of her depths and it seemed as though it would be more appropriate for her age than some of the things she had seen.

"That's pretty," Kate told her.

Johanna hazarded a glance at her. "Is that a legitimate opinion or sarcasm?"

She laughed. "I wasn't being sarcastic. I think it's pretty…although I'm not sure if my input is wanted on something of this nature."

Johanna blushed. "Oh hush. I told you this isn't about seduction."

"Then what's it about?"

She hesitated. "It's about…laying my cards on the table…and hoping for the best."

"While wearing a silk nightgown," Kate said; in a mood to tease her mother.

She shot her a look. "I didn't say that."

"You don't have to; it's all over your face."

"It is not," she protested as she looked the nightgown over. "Am I too old for this?" she asked, although she hated having to ask Kate's opinion on the topic.

"No, I think that's fine for your age."

Johanna nodded and draped it over arm with the other items she had selected and then spotting a black silk robe at the end of the rack; she grabbed it too and continued on, Kate trailing along behind her.

"See this is totally about seduction," Kate teased as she followed her to a table that was near the rack of nightgowns.

"What makes you say that?"

"Because now you're looking for underwear," she stated. "We all know what new underwear means."

"It means I like to wear underwear," Johanna retorted. "Most people do."

Kate laughed. "Yeah, but this looks like special occasion underwear," she taunted playfully as she eyed the dark red lace garments her mother was considering.

Johanna smirked at her. "Well you have a date tonight, maybe you should buy something new," she told her as she picked up a lacy pair of white boyshorts and tossed them at her. "Here, try those, you could use a different color. I swear I've never seen so many pairs of black underwear in my life."

Kate shot her a look. "You know you really don't have to do my laundry. It's not like I asked you to."

"Well I noticed that it starts piling up. You know things like that drive me crazy," she said lightly.

Kate rolled her eyes. "Well I'm busy, Mother; sometimes I get behind."

"I know, dear. It's alright; I don't mind doing your laundry with mine. It's like old times."

"And by old times do you mean that you've been keeping anything you find in my pockets?" she asked. "Because I'm still kind of mad about that cherry lip gloss incident."

Johanna laughed. "Hey, I told you and your father to start cleaning out your pockets and if you didn't, I was keeping whatever I found. You didn't listen, so the lip gloss ended up being mine."

"You didn't have to wear it," Kate retorted; a hint of a grin tugging at her lips as she pretended to still be dismayed about the incident.

Her mother laughed. "Of course I did, how else would it bother you and teach you a lesson?"

"That's just cruel," Kate replied. "You knew how much I loved that lip gloss."

Johanna smiled at her indulgently and wrapped an arm around her waist. "Well since it meant so much to you, we'll just go over to the make up counter and I'll buy you a new one. I don't want that kind of black mark on the record of my parenting."

Kate laughed. "I'm picking out the most expensive brand they have just to punish you."

"Oh please do," Johanna said dramatically. "It'll make me feel so much better; I mean you probably should've called child services on me."

"I was tempted," her daughter quipped.

She gave her a light playful shove and they giggled together. It was moments like this, Johanna thought to herself, when it felt as though time hadn't stopped between them; that the clock had rolled back, giving her a taste of what it always used to be like. She cherished these little moments, and even though she didn't think that Kate would take kindly to being hugged in the middle of a department store, she pulled her to her for a brief moment and embraced her, how could she not?

Her marriage might be shaky at the moment, but at least she had this perfect little moment with her daughter, this little burst of warmth that spread across her heart soothing her wounds. She felt an arm come around her, and squeeze her tightly and she smiled as she breathed in the scent of cherries. They still had progress to make but they had come a long way and she was so very grateful for the second chance it seemed as though Kate was willing to give her.

She quickly picked out the garments she wanted, as Kate stood by smirking and she swatted her arm as they walked away. "I don't know what you're laughing about," she told her. "Don't think that I didn't notice that you didn't put back that pair of underwear I handed you."

"Well they're my size," Kate defended, "And I kind of like them…I'm not buying them with the intent of letting someone else see them, unlike you."

"Uh huh, you keep telling yourself that," Johanna teased, turning the tables on her.

Kate's cheeks flooded with color. "It's not like that, and even if it was, I wouldn't…go out with that intent wearing underwear my mother approved."

She laughed. "It's not like I have bad taste."

Kate narrowed her eyes at her. "That's it; we are not talking about my underwear."

"Alright," Johanna said, "But if we're not talking about yours, we aren't talking about mine either."

"That is a deal that I am happy to make with you. Where to next?"

"Shoes," Johanna answered.

They browsed aisle after aisle in the shoe department until finally Johanna found a pair of red heels that she felt were right.

"I take it you're in a 'red' mood today," Kate commented as she looked at the items her mother had collected.

"Variety is the spice of life," she retorted.

Her daughter nodded. "And we see which variety of spice you're going for."

"Just for that, I'm not buying you a new lip gloss," Johanna retorted.

"Yes you are," Kate said lightly. "You owe me and I'm not leaving here without it."

"Fine," Johanna said, "But if I'm buying you something, then this talk of seduction ends here and now or the deal is off and I'll keep it for myself."

"Deal," Kate laughed, figuring she had tormented her enough for the day, although she had to admit that tormenting her mother was a lot of fun.


"Can you do me a favor?" Johanna asked later that day as she leaned against the door frame of Kate's room.

Kate's gaze flicked towards her as she picked up her mascara, "Depends on what it is."

Johanna remained quiet for a moment, weighing whether or not she really wanted to ask this favor since she knew how it would be taken…even though she was hoping things would turn out the way she planned, which wouldn't make Kate's assumptions incorrect…but still….

"Change your mind?" Kate asked as she waited for her to say something.

"No," Johanna finally stated. "Can you…not call while you're out tonight?"

Her gaze darted towards her mother once more, she had a feeling she knew where her mother was hoping the evening would go…especially with the remembrance of the items she had purchased earlier in the day, but she wasn't going to make this awkward for her by making it obvious that she knew what was going on.

"I can do that," she answered; "But your phone has to stay on."

She nodded, "I'm fine with that…just don't call until you're coming back."

"Alright," Kate told her as she pushed a few strands of hair back into place.

"When do you think you'll be back?" Johanna asked; trying to make it sound as casual as possible.

Kate bit back a laugh, although a shadow of a smile was apparent on her lips. "I'm sure I could arrange to stay gone until morning…if you want."

"Could you?" Johanna replied; her gaze looking hopeful and apologetic all at once.

She laughed softly, "Yeah, I can do that…but if something changes and you want me to come back earlier, just call."

"Okay," her mother agreed as she shifted on her feet, adding "I'm sorry," to her statement.

"For what?" Kate laughed.

"Everything," she replied with a small laugh of her own, and as her gaze met her daughter's it was obvious that she was sorry for the favors she had just asked for and even sorrier that her daughter knew what they implied.

Kate stepped into her shoes and then walked towards her. "We talked about this," she reminded her as she held her gaze. "It's fine. I want the two of you to work out your issues…and I know you need privacy and time alone to do that so don't worry about it. It's okay, we're both adults…and besides, I'd rather you try to fix things than be the child of a broken home," she said lightly, hoping to put her mother at ease.

Johanna laughed, "It probably would be a tough adjustment for you to make at this age…and I wouldn't even be able to collect child support for you."

She grinned, "I know, you probably wouldn't even get alimony. You can't win at this stage; you'll have to keep him."

She smiled wistfully, "I'd like nothing more than to keep him…if only he'll cooperate."

"Do you have a plan?" Kate asked; "Or are you just going to wing this and hope for the best?"

"I'm going to lay my cards on the table," Johanna answered; "And then I'm going to hope for the best."

She nodded, "Good luck."

"Thanks, I'll probably need it."

"Maybe having a day apart has mellowed him a bit," Kate suggested, wanting to give her a bit of hope.

"I guess I'll find out."

"Sooner rather than later," Kate stated as a knock sounded at the door.

Johanna took a breath, trying to steel her nerves as she got ready to face her husband. As Kate moved past her to go answer the door, she grasped her elbow and held her back for a moment.

"Can I ask one more favor?"

"What?"

"Can you make it sound like it's your idea that you're not calling or coming back tonight?" she asked quietly.

Kate was getting the picture; her mother had a plan in mind but she didn't want it to seem too obvious that she had set the scene for their reconciliation to be more than what it had been up to this point. She didn't want it to seem like a set-up, even though she doubted it was her mother's intentions to set him up in some way.

"Yeah, I can do that for you."

"I owe you one."

"You bet you do," she teased as she walked off to answer the knock that was sounding at the door again.

Johanna lagged behind her, waiting until Kate had opened the door before she stepped into the living room.

Once Jim was inside, his gaze automatically sought out his wife as she stood towards the edge of the room. She said nothing, but her expression was serious, and he figured his own probably was too as he'd been sitting in the car for the last half hour trying to figure out what to say to her.

"When will you be back, Katie?" he asked; wanting to know how long he and Johanna would have to discuss their issues.

"I'll be back in the morning," she answered; and then seeing his surprised look, she added, "And I won't be calling."

"Why not?" he questioned.

"Because I expect the two of you to use this time to settle your problems," she stated. "This situation can't keep going on, so settle it…one way or another."

He smirked slightly as he recalled Castle's statement that Kate was bossy. He hadn't been lying. "See you tomorrow, Katie."

"Have a nice time," Johanna stated.

Kate gave her a smile, "You too," she told her and then she grabbed her purse and keys and made her escape.


Kate knocked on Castle's door 15 minutes before seven and she was greeted by his warm smile as he opened the door and allowed her in.

"I'm a little early," she said as she handed him her purse to put away in the closet.

"You're fine," he told her, ushering her into the kitchen area and directing her to take a seat at the counter. "Dinner will be ready in a few minutes."

She smiled as she took in the soft, dim lighting, and the table that had been set for two and was adorned with candles and fresh flowers. She took the seat he had indicated and accepted the glass of wine that he handed her.

"You cooked dinner for me?" she said, the smile remaining in place.

"Yes, I did. I figured I would return the favor."

"That's sweet of you," she told him; and after a pause to take a sip of her drink, she admitted somewhat sheepishly, "I don't think a man has ever cooked dinner for me before."

"Well then the members of my gender have been seriously remiss in their treatment of you; although I'm glad they have been because that means I get to be the first and you know how much I enjoy being first," he said with a grin.

"We all know about your love affair with being number one, Castle," she laughed as she watched him stir the contents of one pot and then lift the lid of another to check its progress. "Need any help?" she offered.

"No, all I need is for you to sit there, relax, and enjoy the peace," he replied. "You'll notice that we are alone; no Broadway diva, no teenage daughter, and no bickering married couple."

Kate grinned. "Sounds great."

"Speaking of the bickering Beckett's," Castle said. "How is everything at home?"

"My mother has a plan. I didn't ask for details, I figured I didn't want to know, although I can guess what part of it is; she asked me not to call tonight…and told me not to come home until morning."

Castle smiled wickedly. "I knew I liked your mother for a reason."

She smirked at him playfully. "So I guess that means I can stay?"

"Anytime you want."

A comfortable silence fell as she watched him prepare their plates and carry them to the table. She followed behind him and he pulled out her chair for her.

"Such the gentleman," she commented as she took her place.

"It's just to lull you into a false sense of security," he teased. "When I have you under my spell then my true nature shall reveal itself."

"I've seen your true nature, Castle," she quipped. "It doesn't scare me."

"Does it at least impress you?" he asked in mock indignation.

"Depends on what day it is."

He looked thoughtful for a moment. "I can live with that."

"This looks great by the way," she commented as she picked up her fork and prepared to sink it into the fettuccini dish he had prepared.

"Thank you," he replied. "I am a bit of a culinary master."

"You seem to think that you're a master of everything," Kate teased.

"I can't help it if I'm gifted, Kate," he replied in amusement. "Just enjoy all the things my many talents provide you with."

She laughed as she lifted her glass for a sip of wine, and then she recalled how she had told herself that she was going to make more of an effort to know more about him. "Have you always liked to cook?" she asked.

"Yes, ever since I was a kid. I had a nanny who took cooking classes. She often did her 'homework' while looking after me and it's probably needless to say that I was her guinea pig."

"Well I hope she was good at it if you had to test it."

"Depended on what it was," he answered. "She was pretty good with treats, except for pies; and she made wonderful Italian dishes, but she was lousy with Mexican."

"Must've been quite the experience," Kate said.

He smiled. "It was. She was one of my better nannies."

"I always meant to ask you if that story you told in the acknowledgements of Heat Rises, about the cherries flambé incident from when you were a kid was true."

"Oh it's true," Castle remarked. "Mother was not amused…to say the least."

She grinned. "Did you get it good for that one?"

"Mother yelled for hours," he laughed. "She didn't see the humor in it that I did…of course I didn't see the humor that she found in grounding me, either."

Kate laughed. "I bet you didn't; but I have to say, Cherries flambé seems kind of sophisticated for a kid to be craving."

"What I can I say, even as a kid I was a person of refined tastes" he replied, his eyes sparkling with amusement.

"When I was a kid the only thing I remember craving was…" she trailed off, breaking into laughter.

"What?" Castle asked.

"I probably shouldn't say."

"Oh now you have to tell me," he replied, his own laughter mingling with hers.

"Macaroni and cheese," she stated.

"Are you just saying that so you can call me macaroni?" he laughed.

"No, I swear to God, I really did crave macaroni and cheese a lot as a kid," she giggled.

"Well that seals it," he stated as he looked at her. "It's fate; you were destined to be the cheese to my macaroni."

"You think so?"

He nodded. "The universe makes it so…and you know that I respect the universe."

"I remember," she replied. "What about that other story you wrote in one of the acknowledgements about climbing up the drywall like a mountain climber?"

"True story," Castle told her. "Mother took that one better than the cherries flambé incident…although she still wasn't happy with me…but I wasn't happy with her either, she pulled me down before I could reach the summit."

"Mothers. They just have to ruin your good time, don't they," she said dramatically.

Castle laughed. "They do have a special knack for it."

"Tell me more stories about your childhood, Castle," she said as she continued to eat.

"Why are we talking so much about me?"

She shrugged. "Maybe I'm interested; or maybe I'm going to write a book and I'm doing 'research'."

"I knew it," he said. "You're going to write a tell all book about me and expose me to the world."

Kate laughed. "You rode a police horse naked, what's left to expose to the world?"

He thought it over for a moment. "I'll have to get back to you on that one."

"You do that, in the meantime, tell me a story."

He indulged her request and as they continued their meal she kept poking and prodding him into telling more, although he kept trying to turn the conversation back around to her. She allowed that once in awhile so he wouldn't feel singled out, despite the fact that they were alone, but she always took the discussion back to him and she wondered why it seemed like he didn't like to talk about himself.

She didn't comment on that however, she probably would've been a hypocrite if she had, after all she wasn't particularly fond of talking about herself either, and yet Castle always seemed to draw out her secrets and stories without her noticing until it was too late. They lingered around the table, devouring the chocolate cake he had bought them for dessert and then sitting together companionably, with their glasses and the bottle of wine between them which was already half way gone when he rose from his chair and held out his hand to her.

"Where are we going?" she asked.

"Kitchen," he remarked, leading her the short distance. He left her standing in the middle of the floor as he turned on the radio. "We haven't tried this in my kitchen yet," he commented as he gently tugged her into his arms for a dance.

Kate smiled. "You really do like this, don't you?"

"What's not to like?" he asked before stealing a kiss from her.

"You don't know how happy it makes me that you like to do this, Castle," she whispered.

"Maybe I do."

"How?"

"The look in your eyes," he told her. "And that smile…you don't smile like that all the time."

"Maybe it's just for you," she commented, capturing his lips in a long, slow kiss.

"Then we should dance all the time," Castle replied as he pulled her a little closer.

"I wish we could."

He smiled. "Maybe we need to schedule special time for it."

Kate laughed softly. "Like date night?"

"We can schedule more of those too," he said.

"I'd like that."

"Good…because I had already planned on it."

She smiled at him, so much affection in her eyes that it made his heart flip. Things weren't perfect, but it was damn close, he thought to himself as they swayed slowly in the dim light of the room. Romancing her was having a positive effect…and she had done something that the majority of the women he had dated had never done…she dug deeper into who he was, pried out stories about his life, stories that weren't part of the best selling author, playboy persona that was given to the public. She went after the real story, she saw him…she always had, and maybe that was what made her different all along. Maybe that was part of the reason why he loved her the way he did…maybe that was why she fit into all those categories of how to know you had found the right woman, and he had no doubt that she was the right one…after all, even her father had said so.

He smiled; he was going to have to buy Jim season tickets for the Yankees.


Jim glanced at his watch and sighed heavily, good lord what was taking her so long, he wondered. He knew that she liked to linger in her bath but it had been over an hour. She was stalling and it made him nervous. He knew as soon as he walked in the door and looked at her that Johanna had made up her mind about something, he could see it in her eyes and read it in her body language. It was funny how well he could still read her after 13 years apart, he thought to himself; or rather, it was funny how easily he could still read her when he was calm and rational and allowed himself to read her as he should.

He sat forward on the sofa; his head falling into his hands, feeling like his life was hanging in the balance. They needed to talk and even though Kate had issued her demand that he be there for the evening, he had come with the intent to talk to his wife…although what he was going to say, he didn't know and now he was worried, because her expression had looked so very serious and that look in her eyes…there was definitely something weighing upon her mind. She had obviously been ready to unleash it upon him, but then Kate had left and the door had been locked and it was just the two of them and he saw her confidence falter as she faced him, and so she had gone off to regroup and had yet to return. It couldn't be good…and thinking that way opened up a whole box of insecurities. What if he had pushed her too far? What if he had hurt her too deeply? What if she was giving up on him, what if she had enough and had decided to leave? What if Jack suddenly looked better in comparison to a husband that doubted her word and accused her without evidence?

He brushed that thought away, there was no relationship with Jack…further discussion with Jeff, and a sleepless night full of reflection and in some part even his conversation with Rick had helped solidify his belief that Johanna hadn't lied to him, but as he thought those words, he raised his head and he caught sight of her phone lying on the coffee table. Usually she carried it into every room with her in accordance to Kate's wishes but she had left it behind. Was it a test of some sort, he wondered as his hand inched forward and picked up the sleek device. Had she left it there as a way of telling him to check it, to prove that there was no evidence of wrong doing? Or had she merely forgotten it or had she truly believed Kate when she had told them that she wouldn't be calling and felt it unnecessary to carry it with her?

Somehow he knew it wasn't a test. Johanna wasn't one to take measures such as that. If she wanted him to look at her phone to prove that there was nothing incriminating upon it she would've shoved it in his face herself and forced him to look. A part of him wondered why she hadn't done that, but then again, in his state of mind it probably wouldn't have done her any good.

His gaze remained focused upon the phone as it rested in his hand, his fingertips rubbing against its glossy red case. He smiled; not long after she moved in with Kate she had asked him to get her a new case for her phone as hers was white and she feared it would get mixed up with Katie's and cause problems. He had gone that same day and bought it for her, choosing red because it had always been her favorite color. She had smiled in approval, and then he had asked her if she was crazy when she actually tried to pay him back for it.

It would be easy enough to touch the screen and bring the phone to life, and a little voice in the back of his mind whispered that he should, egging him on to look through it and make sure that there had been no further contact with Jack. He could just look through her calls…he could search for the elusive last name of this mystery man who seemed to think he had a claim upon his wife…he could look for pictures. He could do all of that…all he had to do was touch the screen. The phone was like his, it wouldn't be hard to find what he was looking for, and if he was quick and she continued to linger, she wouldn't even know he had done it.

Jim frowned as his eyes remained locked on the black screen of her phone, she might not know that he had done it but he would and he didn't think he could live with the knowledge that he had stooped so low. He didn't want to be one of those husbands who searched their wives belongings in search of evidence that wasn't there due to some irrational fear. Besides if he touched that screen and searched her phone it would only go to prove that he wasn't worthy of the trust she so willingly placed in him and the last thing he wanted was to give Johanna a reason not to trust him.

He couldn't do it, he couldn't betray her trust, he couldn't invade her privacy. She was his wife, not a suspect, and more than that, it would just be wrong. It would be so very wrong and if she were to catch him…well he felt as though it might do irreparable harm to their relationship. He clutched the phone for a moment more, no, he wouldn't do it. He didn't need to, he felt secure that there was nothing to be found on her phone that she wouldn't willingly tell him about. He wouldn't stoop that low, that wasn't the kind of man she had married…and if he wasn't the man she had married than who was he?

Carefully he laid her phone back down on the coffee table, taking care to place it exactly as it had been. He had more faith in her than that. He settled back on the sofa, running a hand through his hair in agitation and was about to check his watch again when he heard the bathroom door open. Without thought he rose to his feet, why, he didn't know, maybe because he felt like there was a curve ball ahead and he wanted to be able to see it coming…but then again when had he ever been good at anticipating Johanna's curve balls? He hadn't anticipated that one back in 99, nor the one back in 79 when she looked at him from across the dinner table and blurted out 'I'm pregnant' right in the middle of a tirade about a case that was giving him trouble. He didn't have time to reflect on the others as she stepped into the room and his breath caught.

Now he knew what had taken her so long, he thought as his eyes roamed over her. She must've spent a few minutes taking the curling iron to that dark hair of hers that he loved so much, because now it was laying in soft loose curls that he wanted to bury his fingers in. She had put her makeup on, although he didn't know why, she was just as beautiful to him without it but still he appreciated the sight that was before him, the skillful swipes of eye shadow and mascara that made her eyes look even greener than they were, and those glossy lips that were begging to be kissed.

His eyes moved lower, and he swallowed as he looked at her clad in a black robe that appeared to be silk. She had tied it, and it clung to her figure alluringly and he couldn't help but wonder what she was hiding beneath it…there were no clues to be found, only exposed skin between her throat and the lapels of the robe, and no hints sticking out beneath the hem line which grazed across her skin, a few inches above her knees, giving him a generous view of those bare shapely legs that he had always loved, and he followed them downward to her painted red toenails which were peeking out of red open toed heels. She was a sight to behold, and he couldn't even find his voice to tell her so.

Somehow he forced himself to release the breath that he had been holding. Either she wanted to look damn good while she ripped his heart out or she was trying to kill him, he mused.

As she came closer, the smell of her perfume filled his senses and he couldn't help but think that if he were a betting man, he'd definitely bet on the theory that she was trying to do him in. He reached for her, his hands settling against her waist, his fingertips rubbing against the smooth material. He had been correct in his assumption, it was silk.

"You're beautiful," he murmured as he pulled her close, pressing a kiss against her temple and preparing himself to repeat the gesture in a path along her jaw line until he reached the goal of her lips, while one hand slipped away from her waist and reached for the silken sash of her robe.

"No," she whispered, pushing him back a step as she untangled his fingers from the sash.

Yeah, he was right, she was trying to kill him; he was certain of it now…but he figured it wasn't necessarily a bad way to go.

"We have to talk," Johanna told him.

"Talk," Jim said to himself as he forced himself to push desire aside. They needed to talk…he knew that, but suddenly it seemed as though it might be a little more difficult to focus on that task than it had been before. He took another step back, space was good. If he wasn't so close to her than he wouldn't be as tempted to keep her mouth occupied with kisses instead of words.

"We can't go on like we have been," she said quietly before he could even utter a word.

"I know," he said finally. "I don't want it to be this way."

Johanna locked her gaze upon his and he could see the pain lying in their depths, the scars upon her soul that spoke of a long torturous journey that she had been on alone. There was hurt in those eyes, and it made his heart ache as he continued to gaze into them, but there was also love and determination but there was something else there at the edges…something that he didn't want to see her in gaze, because it looked like resignation…and resignation couldn't be good for them.

"I don't know where to begin," she admitted. "All day I've tried to figure out the best way to do this…but I just don't know."

Jim shook his head, "You don't have to say anything. I was the one who acted like a fool. I was the one who pushed you away and wouldn't listen. I'm the one who's supposed to make this better…," he said before trailing off. I'm sorry still sounded as inadequate as it had when he was sitting in the car and he felt she deserved something more profound but at the moment he had nothing although his mind was working furiously to come up with some term that would be more meaningful than those two simple words that even toddlers could utter.

"Why?" Johanna asked; her voice steady but he could hear the undercurrents of vulnerability in her tone.

"Why?" he repeated, unsure of exactly what she was questioning about his statement.

"Why are you so convinced that I had betrayed you like that?"

"I'm not convinced," he answered. "Not anymore."

"Which means what, Jim?"

He looked her in the eye, "It means I believe you…I trust you and your word that nothing ever happened between you and…" he waved his hand as the name died on his lips; he just didn't want to say it.

"But why were you so convinced up until now?" she insisted upon knowing.

He rubbed a hand over his face and he began to pace, "Because there's this whole part of your life that I wasn't apart of. I didn't know anything, except the basics, about the life you lived without me. I didn't know how you spent your time or who you spent it with."

"You never asked," she reminded him gently. "I would've told you anything that you wanted to know…all you had to do was ask me. I was too afraid to try and volunteer too much, Jim. I was never sure how it would be taken and I… I just didn't want to make things worse than they already were…and a part of me just wanted to forget. I was home and I was with you and that was all that mattered to me. As far as I was concerned, Meagan Stevens and Wyoming could go to hell…but I would've told you anything, I would've answered any questions you had."

"I didn't want to know," he confessed to her. "I couldn't ask you because I didn't want to know how you had managed to go on…without me…because I've never been able to go on without you."

"I didn't go on," Johanna said quietly. "I told you the other night how it was…I wasn't making any of that up. I didn't live without you, Jim."

"I know," he answered. "I believe you…it's just, I couldn't help but wonder when I saw that name and heard that conversation and then the answers you gave me, and I admit that I was an ass and I went off the handle about it all…but as Jeff likes to say, you're my girl, Johanna," he said quietly. "You've been my girl since that first day I saw you, and I know, it took me a long time to figure it out, but you were always here," he said laying a hand over his heart, "You were always mine."

"I'm still your girl," she whispered. "I always have been, just like you said, and I always will be, no one can change that. I'm yours…no one could ever replace you; no one could ever even try because I wouldn't allow it. I know that you say you believe me now but I'm going to say this anyway," she stated. "I swear to you that there has never been anyone else. The last night we were together…that last time you made love to me, was the last time, Jim. I've never broken my vows to you; I was never unfaithful to you, never even considered it. I'm still yours…I will always be yours."

He nodded, he believed her, but there was still emotion welling up within him, "But you left me, Jo," he said quietly. "That day we met, you looked at me and told me I had no idea what you were capable of," he told her, a wistful smile on his lips for a brief second. "And you were right, I had no idea…and I used to think that I had no idea what you were capable of in all the right ways but then I realized that I didn't know what you were capable of in all the wrong ways too…because you left me."

"I didn't want to," she told him, choking on her own emotions that she was desperately trying to keep pushed down within her. "I didn't want to leave you, Jim; you have to know that. I've told you a hundred times that I didn't want to do it…and if they hadn't scared me so badly with thoughts that you and Katie could get hurt because of me, I would've told you everything back then. I swear I would've but I just didn't see any other way and it ripped me apart inside, Jim. It didn't feel good to know I was lying to you but I just didn't know what to do…I didn't want to die," she stated, and the look in her eyes begged him to understand. "It sounds so selfish but I didn't want to die…not for something that wasn't my fault, not that way. If it had been for you or Katie…I would've died willingly but not for some case, not for someone else's sins. I convinced myself that it would all be over in a few months…that they'd catch him and I could come home…I'd just have to be away for a little while…and a little while was so much better than being dead, because…"

"Don't," he begged her. "Don't say it."

She swallowed the words willingly because she didn't want to say them anymore than he wanted to hear them and really there was no need to speak them, the rest of that sentence hung in the air even without being spoken.

"I didn't want to leave you, I didn't want to leave Katie…and I didn't want to die," she repeated; her voice cracking. "I'm sorry…I know it doesn't make it better but I am…and I don't know how many times I can say it before you believe me."

"Do you think I would've preferred you to die, Johanna?" he asked, anguish in his tone as old wounds were exposed. "You don't ever have to apologize to me for wanting to stay alive. You don't have to apologize for being in fear for Katie's safety. I hate what you had to do …and what its done to us, but I'd rather be separated from you than have you dead. God, Johanna; you don't know how many nights I laid awake wishing it had been me, that I could've taken your place, because I would have. I would've died for you…I'd still die for you to keep you safe. I'd do it without hesitation. Someone took you away from me, Johanna; someone ripped you out of my life and that still hurts. I know you didn't have a choice but I didn't want to live in a world without you…you were my world and if you weren't here to walk in it with me then I didn't want any part of it," he paused for a moment and swallowed hard. "And the whole time everyone kept telling me that I still had Katie…that she still needed her father and all I could think was how wrong they were. She needed her mother, she was nineteen but she was still a kid and she needed her mother to continue to guide her…what the hell could I offer her to help her make the transition of teenager to a grown woman. I love her with all my heart, but she wasn't enough, Johanna. Katie wasn't enough to make me want to go on and I let her down…and sometimes I thought she'd be better off without me. She just wasn't enough and I hated myself for that, still do on occasion. So you don't have to be sorry for wanting to be alive, because that's all I've spent the last thirteen years wishing for… and I know you're sorry and I already accepted your apologies for that and I forgive you for leaving me, because I know you didn't have a choice, but it still hurts…and there's still fear."

She swallowed back a sob and blinked rapidly, keeping the tears at bay. "I know," she whispered, "And if I could rip my heart out and give it to you, I would if it would make it better; but I can't…I can't change what's been done and I don't know how to fix this. You say there's still fear…you don't say what kind but I know what it is…you think I'm going to do this again, you think that you'll find out something terrible about the life I've been living in Wyoming…that's why you jumped all over that phone call, Jim. You don't trust me, you said it yourself…but I don't know what to do to fix this, I don't know how to prove to you that you can trust me, that I've always been faithful to you, that any other doubts you may have about me are unfounded…I just don't know how to make it better. I love you, Jim…but we can't go on like this."

"What are you getting at?" he asked quietly, that look of resignation still in her eyes, even though he tried to will it away.

"What kind of marriage can we have if you don't trust me? Trust is the most important thing in a marriage and if we don't have that… how are we supposed to have a good relationship if you're always suspicious of me? What kind of life can we have together if I'm always walking on eggshells, afraid to say the wrong thing…afraid of having what I've done thrown into my face every time we have an argument?"

"I have trust in you," he stated firmly.

"Do you?"

"Yes…if I didn't, I wouldn't keep coming back."

"And what about the other things?" she asked.

He looked at her, "You never have to be afraid to tell me anything. I might not like what you have to say but you don't have to live in fear," he stated, his expression grim as he contemplated the fact that his wife had used the word 'afraid' in regards to him. Is that what he had become? Had he turned into one of those husbands who made their wives fear them? The thought turned his stomach and he was forced to swallow the lump in his throat. "Good god, Johanna; I never thought I'd see the day when you feared me."

"I don't fear you," she told him. "I fear your reactions and I fear having this thrown in my face every time I turn around. I'm not in danger of forgetting what's happened, so do I really need to be constantly reminded?"

He shook his head, he knew she was right and he could admit to that. "No, you don't need to be reminded," he told her. "And I'm not going to be the type of person who keeps throwing salt in your wounds…that's not the type of person you married, and it's not the kind of husband I want to be and I'm not going to hold it against you anymore. You've already paid for whatever role you were forced to play in this…you're still paying for it."

"We all are," she said quietly.

"I know."

"That night the bullet grazed my arm, you went on a well deserved tirade about what I had done," Johanna stated. "You told me that I had taken away your options and choices."

"What are you saying, Jo?" he asked quietly, his stomach suddenly tied in knots as a new type of fear slid down his spine.

"I'm saying that I'm giving you back your options, Jim."

"Meaning" he asked, although a part of him was afraid to know.

"Meaning that the last time…I left you…and now, I'll give you the chance to leave me."

The statement stunned him and stole his breath. She couldn't be serious, could she?

"You have two doors to choose from," Johanna told him firmly but softly. "You can choose that door," she said with a gesture to the door of the apartment, "And tell me that you don't want to do this anymore…that you think it's too broken to fix. You can walk away and be free of me…you can go and find happiness…because I want you to be happy, Jim. I can't lie and say I don't want you to be happy with me, because I do, but if I don't make you happy, if you don't think I can, than you have every right to try and find happiness where you can. If you want to go, I'll let you…it'll kill me but I'll let you go, Jim."

He stared at her, barely breathing as he listened to her utter those words. Was she really saying these things? Was his wife really telling him that it was okay to leave her? To say it was unexpected was an understatement and he had to force himself to focus on her as she opened her mouth to speak again.

"If you choose that door," she stated, "Then you don't come back here and sit with me every day, regardless of what responsibility you feel towards me. That would be too painful for both of us, so if you go, you only come back here to see Katie, you don't come for me."

Johanna studied him for a moment, making sure he was listening and he was, she found. He was listening intently to every word she was saying and she geared up for the second part of her speech…the choice she hoped and prayed he'd make.

"Or you can choose door number two," she told him. "I'll be behind door number two."

"Johanna," he whispered.

"Shhh," she said; moving closer and laying her fingertips against his lips, "I'm not finished."

He gave a slight nod that he'd allow her to finish and she continued on.

"If you choose the second door," she said quietly with a flick of her wrist in the direction of the hallway and the door to her room, "Then we both make an agreement to do everything we can to make this work, we agree that we both want this, that we both want to be in this marriage and are committed to it. If you decide to stay then we make a pact that there will be no more secrets, no more lies, no more grudges, no more fear…just complete trust and honesty. We go back to talking about things…even if they're painful, instead of allowing them to fester and blow up later on over something inconsequential."

She paused to take a breath, her gaze never leaving his, "If you choose me…then we agree that this is worth fighting for…that we're worth fighting for…because in my heart we are. I love you…and I don't doubt that you love me and I think that if we work together, like we used to, we can repair our marriage and we can have our life back. I'm not saying it will be easy…I'm sure it will be hard at times, but I'll never give up on you if you choose me. I'll fight to the finish with you."

"Jo," he breathed, his hands settling upon her waist once more but she shook her head, telling him that she still wasn't finished yet and he fell silent, allowing her to get it all out.

"If you choose to walk through that second door," she whispered, "Then you lock it behind you…and you come to bed…and you make love to me and we lay this to rest, just like we always did at the end of a stalemate…and when we get up tomorrow, we start over with a clean slate and together we make it work…but just in case you don't choose me," Johanna said quietly, moving even closer, her fingers grazing along his jaw, "I want to kiss you one more time."

He felt choked as that statement sank in and before he could find his voice, her lips were claiming his and he was drawn into her kiss, his arms wrapping around her, holding her to him like a vice as he realized she had kissed him this way once before.

Fear slammed into his heart at the memory that it invoked. This kiss she was bestowing upon him…this kiss that was so full of love and desperation was the same one that he had misread that day in January of 1999, that final kiss that had been seared into his memory. 'No,' his mind screamed, he couldn't let this happen again. He couldn't lose her again. His hold tightened even more and he returned her kiss with a bruising intensity as he desperately tried to change the feel of it. It felt too much like a goodbye, like they were ending and he hated it. He didn't ever want her to kiss him that way again.

She began to pull away and he tried to hold her in place but she gently managed to remove herself from his grasp.

"I love you," she said softly, "But it's your choice now. I already made mine when I chose to come home to you…this is where I stand and now you need to decide where you stand…and I'll respect whatever choice you make. If you decide to leave, then text me and I'll come lock the door…and we'll let it go."

With that said, she shared one last, long look with him and then she turned, picked up her phone and headed for the hallway…and the sound of her door clicking shut filled the air around him as he stood there alone, staring in the direction that she had gone.

Johanna closed the door to her room and leaned against it for a moment, praying that she had done the right thing. She kicked off her shoes and placed her phone on the nightstand before climbing onto her bed and taking a seat in the middle of it. Her ears strained for the sound of the apartment door opening and closing, but she heard nothing, no movement at all. What if he didn't choose her, she wondered, a tear breaking free and slipping down her cheek despite her efforts to blink it away. What if she had played the wrong cards and he leapt at the chance to be free from her?

She allowed a few more tears to escape. If he chose to go then she'd just have to accept it like she had told him she would…but she didn't want to…she just wanted him. Maybe she'd been a fool, maybe she should've just begged him not to give up on her, to stay with her, to tell her that everything would be alright like he always had in the past, but even as she thought those things, she knew it would've been wrong. She couldn't ask him to stay with her if it wasn't what he wanted. That wasn't fair to him, especially when the demise of their marriage would rest solely upon her shoulders.

She was still listening for the sound of the locks releasing on the door, or the buzz of her cell phone to confirm her worst nightmare, but then her door opened, and he came inside, closing it behind him and she heard him turn the lock. Cautious relief flooded her as he walked towards the bed and she moved towards the edge, rising up on her knees so she could reach for him.

His arms went around her willingly and tightly and she breathed in his scent as she held onto him.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered into her hair, his throat tight. "I'm so sorry, Johanna."

"It's alright," she said softly. "I understand. I forgive you."

He pulled back from her enough to look into her eyes. There she was, so easily offering him forgiveness despite the fact that he had obviously hurt her with his accusations. She always forgave him...because she loved him. "I love you," he whispered before cupping her face and kissing her.

"I love you too," she managed to whisper between kisses that were steadily growing in intensity. She could feel the heat of his hands seeping through the silk material she wore, and his lips were against that spot her neck and she was ready to let go, to be with him, to have him make her forget for awhile as they forgave one another.

He felt her fingers on the buttons of his shirt and gently grasped her wrist, stopping her for a moment, as he forced himself to pull back from her. He didn't want her to think that he had chosen her for the wrong reasons. He wanted her but he didn't want her to feel forced into doing something she wasn't comfortable with.

"We don't have to do this," he told her quietly as he held her gaze.

"I want to," she whispered. "I want you…," she trailed off as a terrible thought entered her mind. "Don't you want me?" she asked; thinking that maybe she had waited too long.

"Of course I want you," he told her, pulling her back against him. "I just didn't want you to think that we had to do this, that it was some sort of deal breaker. If you're not comfortable then we'll wait. I won't be angry with you…if that's what you're afraid of."

"I don't want to wait anymore. I just want to be with you."

"You sure?" he asked one final time.

"I'm sure," she answered before kissing him to prove it, her fingers going back to work on the buttons of his shirt. His hand fell to the tie of her robe and he pulled on it until it opened and then he slipped it off of her shoulders, tossing it aside as he parted from her, his curiosity about what she had been hiding beneath it, making him want to see what he had revealed. He smiled as his eyes roamed over her, taking in the sight of that little dark red silk nightgown. His gaze made its way back to her face, a coy smile on her lips.

"You said you liked me in red," she reminded him.

"You're incredible in red, Johanna," he stated appreciatively as he pulled her back against him. "But of course you're incredible in anything…although I will admit that at the moment; red could be my new favorite color."

Her laugh was cut off by a searing kiss, the air becoming even more charged than before. It wasn't going to be the way she had thought their first time back together would be and she knew that. It wouldn't be a slow, tender affair, not this time anyway. There was too much behind it now, their bubble of contentment had been burst and now all of those feelings of grief, longing, and anger were at the surface, mixed with the need to prove, to claim, and to erase this one final barrier of their separation. He was already grasping the hem of her nightgown, pulling it up and over her head and tossing it to the floor to join his shirt. She couldn't find it in her to ask him to slow down, especially when her own hands and lips were being just as greedy as his was. She pulled him against her, beckoning him to join her and he gently laid her down, his weight pressing against her as they resumed their tasks of removing layers, and giving into all the things they had been denying themselves.

When it was over, and they were still tangled in one another and the sheets, he remained hovering over her, looking down into her face, waiting for those things he had been thinking of just the other night, and then he felt her reach for his hand, her palm sliding against his, their fingers entwining and his throat felt thick with emotion as she whispered that breathless 'I love you' before giving him that smile that was his and his alone.

He kissed her tenderly, and then shifted, pulling her against his side and holding her tightly. She was his, he was hers…and they were going to be together, just the way it had always been supposed to be.


As the hours passed while they danced and made flirtatious comments, the atmosphere between them grew more and more charged, until finally the dancing had ceased and they were locked in a passionate embrace, each kiss more heated than the last as hands roamed freely, seeking out skin and exploring new territory.

This was usually when she pulled back and put a stop to things, Kate thought to herself, and yet she couldn't find it within her to do so now. She enjoyed the feel of his hands on her too much; their kisses were too intoxicating to give up. She always wondered what it would be like to be with him…probably incredible, she mused as his lips grazed her collar bone. She could find out what it would be like; they were alone, there was virtually no chance of interruption. There was no reason why they had to stop…and she decided that she wasn't going to.

It was time, she figured. They had held out long enough, and as she found herself being pressed back against the door of the refrigerator, she began to flick open the buttons of his blue shirt, eager to slip her hands inside and feel the skin of his chest against her fingertips. As he realized what she was doing, he pulled back from her, breathlessly.

"Kate," he said; his tone asking everything that he hadn't found the words to say.

"I want this," she whispered.

"Are you sure?"

She nodded. "I'm sure. I don't want to stop."

He grinned at her like a kid who had just gotten exactly what he had wanted for Christmas, and she laughed as he lifted her up, her legs wrapping around his waist automatically, and carried her to his bedroom. He deposited her on his bed and wasted no time joining her, picking up where they left off in the kitchen, with intense, heated kisses and touches that were growing bolder, stoking the desire that had been building within her. It was playful and it was passionate, just as she had always imagined it might be, and she rid him of his blue shirt, just as his hands found their way back beneath hers, his fingertips trailing up her side in just the right way that he managed to find her ticklish spot, causing her jerk away and giggle.

His eyes danced with mischief as he looked at her. "Ticklish, are we?" he said wickedly, swiping his fingers across the spot again, making her laugh in the process.

"Don't" she giggled as he repeated the gesture for a third time, this time dragging his fingertips back and forth across the area, keeping the sensation alive.

"But it's so much fun," he teased as she squirmed.

"I can play that game too," she said breathlessly, her hands moving up and down his chest, back, and sides, desperately seeking out an area where he might be ticklish.

"You're not going to find a spot," he laughed before capturing her lips in a kiss, her hands stilling against his back and then pulling him closer to her. His hands continued their journey as he kept her lips occupied and then he jerked away as he felt her fingernails trailing against a sensitive spot beneath his arm.

Kate laughed. "Found it."

"I've been told that it's unattractive to be smug," he retorted, a smile tugging at his lips.

She shrugged. "I'm okay with that," she said as she dragged her nails along the spot again, making him laugh as he captured her hands and pinned them above her head.

"Now let's see you misbehave," he taunted.

She smiled seductively. "Oh I assure you that I can still misbehave, Castle," she said coyly and to prove it she wiggled against him.

"Minx," he stated as he returned to his ministrations with renewed vigor thanks to her little trick. He let go of her hands and she allowed one to sink into his hair as he worked his way down her neck. He pulled her up into a seated position long enough to slip her top off of her and discarded it on the floor as he pushed her back into place. His eyes roamed over her, along with his hands as he admired what he had uncovered. His fingers came in contact with the scar from her surgery, and he studied it for a long moment before tracing it with his fingers a few times and then he lowered his head to kiss it before moving on, his hands gliding upwards; the soft black material of her bra rubbing against his skin. His eyes sought out the scar from the bullet and when he found it, he repeated what he had done before; he studied it, traced it, and kissed it several times while murmuring that she was beautiful.

Her eyes had been closed until she realized that he had been lingering upon her scars. When he had moved on from the scar on her side, she had hoped that he wouldn't repeat the process when he came to the round scar she bore from the bullet, but he did, and as she looked at him hovering over her, his eyes on that wound, her mind flashed back to that day a year before when he had been hovering over her as she laid on the ground, and in her mind she heard his words once more.

"I love you, Kate."

She squeezed her eyes shut, willing it away, but it all came back with a vengeance and worse of all was the weight that suddenly pressed against her in regards to the lie she had told him about not remembering the shooting. How could she go through with this with that weight on her shoulders? If they did this now and then he found out…it could ruin things between them…but then again, it could ruin things between them regardless if they made love or not and she wanted to be with him…she wanted it so much and yet she could feel the moment slipping away no matter how hard she tried to hold on to it. She bit the inside of her cheek as she felt his lips against the skin of her stomach.

His fingers were on the snap of her jeans when he realized that something was different. Her demeanor had changed, she wasn't participating or responding as she had been and he looked up at her face, and saw the tension in it and felt it taking over her body.

"Kate," he said softly.

He watched as she winced at the sound of her name and he knew that this wasn't going to happen tonight.

"Kate, are you sure you want to do this?"

She swallowed hard, "I do…but I can't. I just can't," she whispered.

"Okay," he replied, moving off of her, settling at her side and pressing a kiss against her cheek. "We don't have to do this tonight."

"But I wanted to, it was my idea…"

"Kate, it's fine if you changed your mind," Castle told her, keeping his tone soft so she'd know that he felt no anger towards her for stopping.

"No it isn't," she said as she pushed herself off the bed. She grabbed her shirt and fled in the direction of the bathroom.

She shut the bathroom door and locked it and then tugged her shirt back over head, before burying her face in her hands. It never failed to amaze her how quickly things could go from amazing to disastrous. She glanced at herself in the mirror and took in the sight of her distraught features; she closed her eyes, she couldn't stand to look at herself. Her conscience picked a hell of a time to jump up and slap her in the face; but of course that wasn't to say that it didn't bother her on occasion about the lie she had told.

Kate turned on the faucet and splashed cold water on her face. She couldn't blame her conscience; she had to blame herself and her actions. She was pathetic…no, worse than that, she thought to herself, she was just a terrible person.

Her teeth sank into her bottom lip as tears stung her eyes at that thought. "Truth hurts," she whispered quietly as she forced herself to look at her reflection in the mirror, and at the moment she felt terrible. She was terrible for lying to him, especially when he was always so good to her, and she was even more terrible for the fact that she couldn't bring herself to open the door and face him and give him the truth like he deserved. He deserved so much better than her.

A part of her felt like she shouldn't have stopped, that she should've just pushed those awful memories away…but she hadn't been able to. The way he had been hovering over her, looking at those scars…it was too much…it was too similar to the way he had been kneeling over her as she laid on the grass that day, bleeding from that wound. A few tears broke free and rolled down her cheeks, he had said that she was beautiful as he kissed those marks…but she didn't feel beautiful. She felt ugly inside, she felt tainted in some way.

She could only imagine what he must be thinking of her now, changing her mind like that and then locking herself in the bathroom like a panicked teenager. He had already accused her of leading him on…he must be convinced of it now, she thought, and when he found out the truth he was going to think even less of her…and she didn't know how she'd bear it…because she had a feeling she'd lose him for sure this time.

Castle sat on the foot of the bed, trying to be patient and allow Kate time to calm herself down, but he was so desperate for her to re-emerge from the bathroom that he was sure his stare would burn a hole through the door at any moment.

He didn't know what had gone wrong when everything seemed to be going so right. He wracked his brain; had he done something that made her uncomfortable? He didn't think he had; she had been responding and engaging in a manner that had told him she was enjoying things just as much as he was…at least she had been up until those last few moments when he felt the change in her and then he recalled that he had lingered over her scars, looking at them, tracing them, kissing them. Maybe she was self-conscious about the marks upon her body, maybe she thought they made her less attractive. She couldn't be more wrong if she did, he had even told her she was beautiful as he kissed them and traced them with his fingertips; but he knew from the experience of being raised by a single mother, and then raising his own daughter, that when a woman saw what she perceived as a flaw with her body, no comment to the contrary could change her mind.

This was probably his fault, he thought to himself. His attention to those marks had probably made her insecure…or maybe it was something else. Maybe she had suddenly felt like they were moving too fast…maybe she was still afraid to make that final leap. If so, that was fine, he could wait for her; he'd already proven that time and again. He wasn't one of those men who got angry when a woman changed her mind about intimacy; and he hoped to God that Kate wasn't standing in the bathroom thinking that he was. He respected women and their choices, if she wasn't ready even when she thought she had been, well then, there was no reason to be upset with her; you just switched game plans…and he'd be happy to switch to a different plan for the night if she'd just come out of the bathroom; but then again, he thought, maybe she should stay in there, because he knew when she finally did emerge, she was going to try to run…and he just couldn't let her do that. Not now, not again, not when they were finally making progress.

He gave her five more minutes and then he got up and knocked on the door.

"Kate," he called gently. "Please come out. It's okay."

She squeezed her eyes shut at the sound of his voice but she knew that she couldn't stay in there all night…although she was tempted.

"Kate," he called out again.

Slowly she moved to the door and opened it, stepping back into the bedroom, her gaze not meeting his.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"No," she said to herself, but she nodded instead of uttering the truth of the matter. "I'm fine," she whispered and then forcing her gaze to his, she murmured, "I'm sorry, Castle."

He shook his head. "No, you don't have to be sorry. It's fine."

"No it's not," she said as she began to pace. "I wanted it…I do want it…I just… I'm sorry," she uttered again, because she just couldn't tell him the real reason right now, not in this moment which was already so terrible.

"Did I do something?" he began to ask, just to be certain for his own peace of mind.

"No! You didn't do anything wrong…or anything that I didn't want. It's not you, Castle…it's me…it's always me," she said as her voice cracked a bit.

He cautiously wrapped his arms around her but she remained tense in his embrace even as she returned it. "You don't have to apologize," he assured once again. "Tonight wasn't the right time, it's okay. Maybe we got a little ahead of ourselves, we're still figuring things out and getting used to this new stage," he said rationally. "We can wait a little longer, that's not a problem."

He was being so understanding about this and it only made her feel worse as she pulled away from him. "I should go," she stated.

Castle shook his head. "No, Kate."

"What do you mean, no?"

He locked his gaze on hers. "I mean that I'm not going to let you walk out of here tonight."

Her brow rose in challenge. "I can go if I want."

"But you're not going to," he said firmly, "Because I'm not going to let you run away from me. If you walk out the door, I'm going to be hot on your heels, following you every step of the way even if I have to ride on the top of your car," he told her seriously.

"Why?"

"Because I know you," Castle stated. "If I let you walk out of here over this…we'll be right back to square one and I'm not going to let that happen. We've taken too many steps forward; granted they're baby steps, but steps all the same, and we've come too far to go backwards now. I'm not willing to lose the progress we've made just because we started something that we're not going to finish tonight. Are you willing to lose that progress, Kate?"

She said nothing, but he could tell that he had struck a nerve. "There's nothing I'd like more than to make love to you, Kate; but you should know by now that that's not the only thing I want from you, and that I care about you and I respect you. When it happens I want it to be right. I don't want there to be regrets, so if you needed to stop because you weren't ready to go there yet, then that's fine, no harm done, but don't run away from me because of it."

She wasn't going to get her way this time, and she knew it. She had no doubt that he'd chase her all over New York City if he had to and as much as she wanted to flee there was that part of her that wanted nothing more than to stay and take whatever moments she could before this all blew up in her face…because it was coming and she knew that too.

"Besides, you told your mother that you wouldn't be home until morning," he reminded her, playing the only other card he had.

Kate sighed, that was true, she had promised to stay gone…and she hoped that her mother was having a better night than she was because hers was all shot to hell now. "Alright," she replied quietly. "I'll stay."

He smiled at her and held out his hand which she accepted after a moment's hesitation.

"Where are we going?" she asked.

"The living room," he replied. "We'll have a movie marathon…maybe we should make it a comedy movie marathon."

She nodded. "That sounds good."

He led her to the couch and then he set things up for their movie marathon. He could tell she was still on edge so he did his best to lighten things up, giving commentary about the movies, as he had the night he took her to the Broadway show. He managed to get a few smiles out her, eventually a soft laugh or two, and finally she was relaxed enough that she allowed him to tug her close, wrapping his arm around her, settling her against his side, and two movies later, when they had shifted around and were stretched out on the couch, he breathed a sigh of relief as she willingly curled up against him, her head on his chest, her ear pressed against the sound of his heartbeat. He ran his hand over her back in a soothing motion until finally she fell asleep and then he allowed himself the luxury of pressing a kiss against her hair.


Johanna was lying against Jim's chest, using him as her pillow and his fingers were buried in her hair, threading through it when he broke the comfortable silence between them.

"I have to tell you something," he said quietly; as if speaking in a normal tone would disturb the peace that they had found, lying there together in the aftermath of their lovemaking.

"What?" she asked; her tone full of sleepy contentment as she snuggled against him, finding a more comfortable position.

"Jeff knows," he told her.

"Knows what?"

"About you, I told him…he knows that you're alive."

Her head rose from his chest and her sleepy gaze locked upon his. "Katie is going to have your head on a platter."

"Who said anything about telling Katie? We agreed that there wouldn't be anymore secrets between us…we didn't say anything about Katie."

She laughed softly. "Look at that; you've already found a loop hole."

Jim grinned. "Well I did take loop hole 101 in law school."

She smiled and brushed a light kiss across his lips. "We can discuss the specifics of the contract later. How long has he known?"

He told her about how he had confided in Jeff during that first big fight they had and when she asked what had made him tell his best friend, he answered, "He was suspicious, he knew something was going on with me and I guess by that point I just needed to tell someone. I just needed to get it out. I knew I could trust him…I just needed to talk to someone about everything."

"I understand, I know it's not easy to keep everything inside all the time and while I know Katie won't be happy if she finds out, I'm glad you told him and that he's been there for you like he always has," she said with a smile.

"We're careful about it," Jim replied. "We never talk about it unless we're alone and we never discuss it on the phone. He knows what's at stake."

"You don't have to explain," she said as she shifted and made herself comfortable at his side so she could hold eye contact with him. "I know that we can trust Jeff. I know he'd never do anything that would hurt us."

"I just wanted you to know. You said you didn't want anymore secrets between us…not that I was really keeping it from you. I would've told you sooner but I was afraid Katie would overhear."

"It doesn't matter," she told him. "You told me now, and we'll keep it between us."

He rolled onto his side so he was face to face with her and he kissed her as he wrapped an arm around her.

"How did he take it?" she asked.

"Better than me and Katie."

"The circumstances are different for you and Katie."

"I know," he replied and then he set about telling her what Jeff's reaction had been to the news.

"So he doesn't hate me?" she asked when he finished.

"Of course not," Jim told her. "He can't wait to see you and talk to you…that's why I told you not to worry that night you asked about him. He's still calling you 'Sassy' and thinking of you as his little sister."

Johanna smiled. "I feel better knowing that. I'd hate to think of not having him as a friend and I wouldn't want my presence to somehow hurt your friendship with him."

"You don't have to worry," he assured. "Jeff is in our corner just like he always has been."

She nodded and then after a few moments she looked him in the eye. "So, we're going to start fresh tomorrow?" she asked; wanting to clarify that they were most certainly letting things go.

"Yes," Jim told her. "I agree with everything you said; we need to let the past where it belongs, and I'm ready to do that because having you back in my life is more important to me than who did what and why. I know there's still things we'll have to talk about, but I think we can do that better now that we've decided and agree that we can get past this. I want us to get back to what we had…and I'm willing to work with you for that. I love you and you're worth fighting for."

There were tears in her eyes as she whispered, "I was afraid that you wouldn't choose me…I was afraid we were done for good this time."

"We've never been done, Johanna," he said quietly. "Even when I thought you were never coming back…I never let you go. I could never not choose you; you're the person I'm supposed to be with, you're the one who makes me whole. I know it's not always going to be easy as we work on things…but you don't ever have to worry that I'm going to leave you."

"Do you promise?" she asked softly as a tear slipped free.

"I promise," he replied as his thumb brushed across her cheek, brushing away the tear that had fallen. "Do you promise not to leave me again?"

"Yes," she answered. "I promise."

He drew her to him and kissed her slowly, his hands beginning to move over her once more, and before he wiped away her thoughts completely, she thought to herself that maybe she wasn't going to have to wait long for that slow, tender lovemaking after all.


It was after six when Kate woke up the next morning, her mind still jumbled and her eyes tired from a restless night. She had jerked awake several times throughout the night, but she had made no effort to slip away from Castle and sneak out the door. She had remained there, planted firmly against his side, drinking in the feel of his arms holding her securely and his scent that always seemed so soothing to her. Each of those times that she had woke, she had laid there and wondered how much longer she would have the luxury. She needed to leave…it was cowardly but true, and since it was morning she figured he wouldn't be able to object.

"Castle," she said quietly, nudging him awake.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I'm going to go," she told him.

He raised his wrist to look at his watch. "It's only 6:30, Kate. Wait awhile longer. I'll make you breakfast and get you some coffee."

She shook her head as she untangled herself from him. "No, I better get back. I should check on things at home," she said; using her mother as an excuse, but she figured it was true, she did need to check in…although maybe not quite this early but she was antsy, she needed space to work through the jumble of thoughts in her head.

"I'm sure they would've called if something was wrong."

"I need to go home, Castle," she said softly, hoping he'd understand and wouldn't fight her.

He sighed in resignation as he rose from the sofa and followed her to the door. "You're not going to push me away, are you?"

"No," she told him, looking him in the eye as she said it. "I promise."

To test her, he hooked a finger beneath her chin and pulled her close, kissing her with tenderness and understanding. She returned his kiss, even allowed it to linger and he figured that had to be a good sign and so he didn't pressure her to stay any longer as she went to the closet and retrieved her purse.

"We'll talk later?" he asked.

"We always do," she replied. "Thank you for dinner last night; it was wonderful…everything was wonderful…until," she trialed off and then once again murmured the words, "I'm sorry."

"Let's just leave it at everything was wonderful."

She nodded in agreement and whispered goodbye and then was gone.

Castle found himself staring at the door again. He'd give her a few hours to regroup and then he'd go get her coffee and go knock on her door.


For whatever reason, Kate found herself at the playground, sitting on a familiar swing. The one she had been sitting on nearly a year ago when she and Castle had their talk when she reappeared in his life after a three month absence. As messed up as she had been back then, she felt as though her mind was even more weighted now. Maybe she should've told him the truth that day, maybe then she wouldn't be in the mess she was in now.

She was embarrassed to say the least, and the thought crossed her mind that she could've told him the truth the night before, but she had panicked and kept her mouth shut. What was it about her that made her do these stupid things? Was it some kind of deeply rooted character flaw? She ran a hand through her hair and pushed her foot against the ground, giving the swing a small touch of motion. She had thought about going to Lanie's and laying her burden on her best friend's shoulders, but then she had thought better of it. She didn't want to show up unannounced, just in case her friend wasn't alone, and then there had been the thought of the lecture that Lanie would dole out to her. She didn't think she could handle one of Lanie's well meaning yet stern no nonsense lectures at the moment. She needed a softer touch, and the thought of Johanna entered her mind. Maybe she needed her mother…but confiding in Johanna could get awkward at the point of the story that involved the events of the night before.

She sighed, it would be great if she had someone who was a nice combination of her mother and best friend, but since she didn't, she'd either have to choose one of them or keep the burden to herself, and keeping it to herself wasn't very appealing. She really knew how to make a mess of things.

He'd been so kind about the whole thing and it only made the knot in her stomach worse, and for the thousandth time since she had pulled away from him in his bedroom, she thought about how he deserved so much better than her. She swallowed hard, her and her lies, and her stupid habit of running, and that damn wall that was just about demolished. Why did she have to be so screwed up? She leaned her head against the chain of the swing; this was all going to blow up in her face…and then what would she do? What would she do if he walked away from her? He'd been close to it only months before, and she supposed that he would be well within his right to follow through with it once she told him what she had done.

Kate didn't know how long she sat there, thinking about all the ways this could go wrong, and then trying to convince herself that it was possible it could turn out alright…but she wasn't very successful in her attempts to think positively…because she knew there was no way he was going to take this revelation without getting angry. She would be angry if he was making the same confession to her. The sun was growing brighter, and she cast a glance at her watch, finding it to be a little after 7:30. There was no point in sitting there all morning, thinking of all the possibilities of how epic of a fail this was going to turn out to be. She needed to go home and sort through her thoughts and regain some type of control over herself. With that thought in mind, she slipped her phone from her pocket and hit her mother's number and when she answered she asked if it was safe for her to come home.

She got the all clear and she ended the call and rose from the swing, making her way back to the car. Why did people lie, she mused. Lies always came back to bite you in the ass.


Kate entered her apartment and dropped her bag and keys on the stand. She could hear her parents in the kitchen, and she paused for a moment to listen to them, gauging the tones of their voices. They sounded normal, her mother was laughing. Obviously peace had been restored, thank God, she thought to herself. She forced her feet forward, the light throb in her head forcing her to seek out caffeine to soothe it.

"Good morning, Katie," Johanna said as she stepped into the kitchen.

"Good morning," she answered, taking in the scene at the table. Her father was finishing breakfast and she looked at him and said, "I see she's feeding you again…does that mean we're back to be the loving dysfunctional family I'm accustomed to?"

"I wouldn't say we're dysfunctional," Jim commented with a smile in her direction.

Kate's brow rose. "What would you call it?"

"I don't think there's a word for it," he laughed.

"There is," she told him. "The word is dysfunctional."

"Did you have a nice evening?" Johanna asked as Kate poured herself a cup of coffee.

She was quiet for a moment, the question was innocent but it brought all of those feelings forward and she kept her head turned, not daring to meet her mother's gaze because she knew if she did, she'd be liable to burst into tears and tell her everything and that wasn't something she wanted to do with her father sitting at the table.

"It was fine," she answered.

"Just fine?" her mother inquired; her suspicions on the rise. Kate wasn't acting like herself and obviously something had gone wrong.

"Yeah," she said as she turned, her coffee mug in hand. "It was fine. I'm going to go get a shower."

When she was out of ear shot, Johanna looked across the table at Jim. "Well that can't be good."

He nodded in agreement. "Yeah, that didn't sound like the good kind of fine," he stated as he finished off his coffee and rose from his place at the table. "And since taking care of those issues is your department, I'm going to get out of here and let you be a mom."

She stood and walked into his arms, savoring the feel of his embrace. "You don't have to go," she whispered.

"I don't think she's going to tell you anything if I'm around, and I'd rather go and let her talk to you, instead of having her keep whatever it is bottled up inside. She does too much of that."

"You're probably right," she conceded.

Jim kissed her and told her he loved her. "If I need to go kill Rick, call and let me know and I'll take care of it," he said as she walked him to the door.

Johanna laughed softly. "Hopefully it isn't that bad."

"I hope not too, but if it is, you let me know," he told her before stealing one last kiss.

"I will," she promised. "Although if it's that bad you may have to take a number and get in line."

They said their goodbyes and Johanna went and cleaned up the kitchen as she waited for Kate to reappear. When an hour had passed and she still hadn't returned, she knew it was going to be up to her to seek her out and try to pry the problem out of her.

Johanna entered Kate's room and found her curled up on her bed, facing away from her. She remained quiet as she crossed the room and took a seat on the opposite side of the bed.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked softly.

She bit her lip for a moment. "Kind of."

"Kind of?"

"I do, but part of the story could be…awkward," she admitted quietly.

"That's alright," Johanna replied. "Remember you reminded me that I told you awhile back that we could talk about those things…and then there is that other reminder that you keep giving me about how we're both adults and we can handle those types of discussions."

Kate gave a short soft laugh in response. "But still."

Her mother chuckled. "We don't have to look at each other during that part of the story," she told her. "And you can just give me the general idea, without details that I don't want to hear."

"You don't have to worry about that," Kate replied.

"Alright then, are you ready to tell me what's wrong?"

Kate was quiet for a moment before speaking. "I'm going to blow this."

"Blow what?"

"This thing with Rick."

"Why do you think that?"

Tears began to sting her eyes. "Because I'm a terrible person," she whispered.

"You are not!" Johanna protested.

"Yes I am. You don't know what I've done."

Johanna dropped a hand onto Kate's head and lightly raked her fingers through her hair in a soothing motion. "I'm sure it isn't as bad as you seem to think."

"But it is," she cried. "I lied to him…I've been lying to him for over a year."

"What have you been lying about?" Johanna asked; no trace of judgment in her tone. "And why?"

Kate wiped away the tears that escaped and spilled down her cheeks and then she sat up and turned to face her mother. She looked into her face and saw the same patience and compassion that had always been in her mother's eyes when she poured out her troubles when she was young, and she felt certain that she had picked the right person to confide in. Her mother would understand just as she always had; and with that thought in mind she unburdened herself to her, telling her about Castle's confession in the moments after her shooting, and the lie she had been harboring.

Johanna gave her a moment to compose herself after she revealed her secret and then she softly asked her why once again.

Kate quietly explained her feelings in the aftermath of her shooting, the constant fear and how she had wondered if Castle had only said those words because he thought she was going to die. She spoke of how she felt when he allowed her to push him away so easily and how it seemed to only confirm her doubts during those dark days, but in the end she had known that he had meant what he said. She paused for a moment and then allowed even more of the story pour from her lips like a fountain. She spoke of her return after three months, his anger, their talk on the swing set and how they had resumed their friendship, and she even confessed to her about her therapy sessions with Doctor Burke and how he had been helping her overcome the past.

When she finished, she found herself being pulled into her mother's embrace as she apologized for what she had to go through and commended her for seeking out help to get herself to a better place and when she started to apologize for upending her life just when she had been making progress, Kate cut her off and told her that she preferred knowing the truth and having her back in her life.

They both took a few minutes to allow those revelations to settle and when they were calm once again and Kate had been released from her mother's embrace, Johanna asked, "What happened to bring all of this up now?"

Kate told her about how nice their evening had been going and then she dropped her gaze and said, "This is where it gets awkward."

"I had that feeling," Johanna replied, "But go on, if we survived those conversations about me, we'll survive this one about you."

"At least we hope so," Kate stated before taking a breath and giving her a scaled down explanation of where things had been heading between her and Castle the night before.

"But I stopped," she said, her voice almost a whisper.

"Why?"

"Because…he was…there was just this moment when he was looking at my scars and…the way we were…it just reminded me of the shooting and that made me think about how I had been lying to him and then I just couldn't…I just couldn't go through with it."

"So what happened?" Johanna asked.

She told her how she had put a stop to things and how she had taken refuge in the bathroom until she could get herself back under some measure of control.

"I probably looked like a skittish teenager," she said with disdain for herself.

"Was he angry with you?"

"No, he was very understanding and kind about the whole thing."

"Which only made it worse for you," Johanna said, having a feeling that Kate had left off that part of the sentence.

Kate nodded. "Yeah, which just goes to show how horrible I really am that I almost would've preferred him to be angry with me."

"You're not a terrible person, Katie," Johanna told her. "You're human and you make mistakes like everyone else does."

"Yeah, but I always seem to make the really big ones."

"You probably get that from me," her mother stated. "Look at the mess I've made. At least you can say that you haven't erred that epically."

"That's not as comforting as you probably hoped it was," Kate remarked.

"Sorry," she replied. "What did you tell him; because I'm sure he asked why you were upset."

"I didn't really tell him anything. I mainly let him assume that it had to do with him seeing my scars and that maybe we had rushed things when we had been taking them slow and that I wasn't quite ready yet."

"Why didn't you just tell him the truth?"

"I don't know," she whispered. "I guess I'm afraid to tell him, especially now. I don't want to ruin what we have…I don't want to lose him. I don't know what to do," she said as a few more tears slipped free.

"You're going to have to tell him, Katie. He deserves the truth."

"I know," she cried, "But he'll hate me."

Johanna shook her head. "He's not going to hate you."

"Well he's not going to be happy."

"No he isn't," Johanna agreed. "He's going to be angry and things will probably be rough for awhile, but if he loves you, like I think he does, once he works through his feelings, I think he'll want to work things out with you and make a fresh start."

"But what if you're wrong?"

Johanna held her gaze and she hated the words she was about to utter, just as she hated them when Martha had said them to her. "Then it wasn't meant to be," she whispered.

That thought slammed into her heart and made it ache. She wanted it to be meant to be. She just wanted Castle; she wanted him to be the one. "But I want it," Kate whispered. "I love him."

"I know, but it takes more than just love. You have to work at it, you have to communicate and compromise…and sometimes you have to admit when you've been wrong and suffer the consequences for it, but that doesn't mean it will be the end of things. I think the two of you are stronger than that, you just have to give each other a chance to prove it."

"I'm afraid," she murmured as she looked at her mother.

"Sometimes we have to do the things we fear the most," Johanna replied gently. "I've had to do that more times than I cared to, like this mess I have here, I was afraid to go and I was afraid to stay and then I was afraid to come back…and last night I was terrified when I looked at your father and gave him the choice to leave me."

"You told him he could leave you?" she asked in surprise.

Johanna nodded. "I gave him two options, one option was that if he didn't want to do this anymore and thought it wasn't worth fighting for then I'd let him go if he wanted. I was afraid of what I had done, terrified that he'd take the opportunity to be done with me for good and I wouldn't have blamed him…but he choose me and we agreed that we want to be together and that we can get past this. It doesn't fix everything, we still have work to do and we know that, but it feels like we can finally put the past behind us in some respect, we can move forward…and if you want to move forward with Rick, then you're going to have to face your fear, like I had to face mine."

"I don't know how to tell him…I don't know how to do this."

"You don't have to do it today," Johanna told her, hearing the panicked urgency in her voice. "You can prepare yourself and work out the best way to tell him what you've done and why; that you love him and want to work things out, but I wouldn't wait too long," she instructed. "You don't want to end up in the same situation you were in last night and have to explain it that kind of moment, because I don't think he's going to buy the same excuse twice."

"I know, but it's not going to be easy."

"No, it isn't," her mother agreed. "But I'll be here for you. You can cry on my shoulder, we can stay up late eating ice cream and talking about it, and I'll listen when you just want to rant and rave when he's taking too long to come around…and I'll even throw in cupcakes if it helps."

Kate smiled as she swiped at the remaining tears on her face. "Thank you," she said as she leaned forward and embraced her.

Johanna held her tightly. "You don't have to thank me. I'm your mother, it's what I do. I love you."

The words welled up in her throat, choking her, and she was tempted to swallow them but she didn't think it would be fair to do so. She'd already denied her for a long time, and maybe it was time to say the one thing she had spent over a decade wishing she could say to her one more time. "I love you too," Kate said softly.

Johanna closed her eyes, allowing those words to wash over her and settle upon her heart as she squeezed her tighter. She had almost given up hope that her daughter would utter those words to her, and now that she had, it opened up a dam of emotion that she had been holding at bay in regards to Kate and she cried as she held onto her.

"We're a damn mess," Kate said several minutes later when they had each finally gotten themselves and their various emotional issues back under control.

"Yes, we are," Johanna agreed. "But one day we'll be better."

"I hope so," she laughed, "Or we're going to end up being committed."

"If they haven't put us away by now, chances are they never will," Johanna replied as she got up from her place, Kate following behind her as they moved into the bathroom to wash their faces. Someone knocked at the door, and Johanna went to answer it as Kate finished drying her face.

Castle was standing on the other side of the door when she opened it, a cup of coffee and a flower in his hand.

She smiled at him. "Hi, Rick."

"Is she home?" he asked.

Johanna nodded. "She'll be out in just a minute."

"You okay?" Castle asked taking note of the redness of her eyes. "You look like you've been crying."

"Happy tears," she told him. "My daughter loves me."

He smiled. "I could've told you that."

"But it was better to hear it from her," she stated.

His eyes widened slightly in surprise. Kate had actually told her mother that she loved her? That was…surprising, he thought to himself, not wanting to detract from Johanna's moment of happiness.

"I'm glad you got to hear that," he told her honestly.

Kate entered the room before she could reply and she felt somewhat awkward as she met Castle's gaze. "Hey," she said quietly as her mother quietly retreated to the kitchen.

"Hey," he replied, holding out the cup for her. "I didn't get to make you coffee, so I thought I'd bring you your usual."

"Thank you," she told him as she accepted it and took a sip. "You didn't have to do that."

"Why wouldn't I? I bring you coffee almost every day."

She nodded, he was trying to make things normal for her, he was trying to show her that he really wasn't angry with her for pulling back the night before and she appreciated it, despite that part of her that wished he wasn't being so kind about it.

"And this is for your collection," Castle said as he held out an orange summer flower for her.

Kate smiled and thanked him and then she looked at him, another apology on the tip of her tongue and he must've sensed it, as he held up a hand silencing her just as she was about to speak.

"Don't," he told her gently. "It's okay. We'll get there one day, and I'm fine with waiting for you. You don't have to be sorry, and I don't want you to feel like you need to be. We had a nice evening together and let's not let that moment take away from it, okay?"

She nodded but that knot in her stomach tightened and she knew her mother was right; she was going to have to tell him soon. Maybe she should just get it over with now.

"Castle," she began to say, her tone wavering a bit, but before she could say anything more her phone rang, causing her to roll her eyes which made him smile.

She pulled the phone from her pocket, and seeing Esposito's name on the screen she answered it. "What?" she asked.

"We have a lead on our middle man Shadow," he told her.

"How?"

"We'll explain when you get here."

"I'm on my way," she said and then she ended the call.

"What is it?" Castle asked.

"They guys have a lead on Shadow," Kate stated as she walked to the kitchen and beckoned her mother back into the living room.

"Call Dad and tell him to come back over," she instructed her. "I have to go to work."

"What's going on?" Johanna asked her, as she noticed that she was acting somewhat differently than she did when it was a routine case.

"Esposito says that they have a lead on Shadow," Kate told her.

"He's the one that was behind the hiring of the person who left the notes and the one who broke in," Johanna stated to be clear.

"Yes, he's our middle man. If we can get him…I'll make him break and tell us who is behind this and then we can end it," Kate said, motivation and hope beginning to thrum through her.

"That would be great," Johanna said; a little flicker of hope coming alive within her as well as she grabbed her phone and went off to call Jim.

"Are we going to wait for your Dad to get here?" Castle asked as he followed behind Kate as she made the trek to her bedroom.

The fear that a sudden lead might be some type of set up made her feel cautious, despite her urge to get moving. "Yeah, we'll wait," she answered as she deposited her flower into the vase with the other. "For my peace of mind."

He nodded in agreement and held her coffee while she strapped on her gun and badge and shoved her cuffs into her pocket.

Twenty five minutes later, she and Castle were in the car on their way to the precinct, their relationship problem temporarily shifted to the back burner as they each hoped that a capture of Shadow would be the light at the end of the tunnel.