CHAPTER #29: Back to the Beginning
Italics means thoughts, emphasized word or action. Bolded is a flashback. (….) is an indication that time has passed.
A small knock sounds at the door but with the pressure of the hand, the dorm door opens slightly. Seems as if the door was never fully closed.
Alex gently pushes the door and goes to announce her entry but before she could say anything, she sees Aria sitting on the floor in front of the couch, her back towards her. Still in her dress from Spencer's ceremony.
"Aria?" Alex calls out in a light voice. She's not sure what she's walking into but the smaller brunette sat perfectly still. Not even flinching at the thought of someone walking into her dorm at 9 in the morning. She curiously squints her eyes and turns to close the door, making sure it's actually locked. With how anal Spencer is with locked doors and just common campus safety, Alex could just feel how off things were upon stepping into their dorm. There was this incredibly heavy energy that expanded like a thick cloud that fell to the ground and she didn't know what make of it.
She carefully walks around the couch with her defenses up towards Aria. She didn't know why but her current situation reminded her of a horror movie where you find someone eerily quiet with no movements and when you turn them to face you, they are either dead or some kind of zombie.
"Aria, are you okay?"
Alex walks in front of Aria to see her staring into the distance with her makeup completely ruined. Although not a dead corpse, the sight of her friend still made goosebumps run through her arms. She instantly crouched down and put a hand on her shoulder with her eyes scanning over Aria's stiff body and empty gaze.
"Aria, what's going on? What happened?"
Aria's eyes stayed in the same position of staring without a single blink. This made Alex nervous because she's never seen anything like this before in real life and wasn't sure what exactly to do. The only way she knew that Aria was actually alive and not a dead body set in rigor mortis was because she could see the small rising and fall of her chest. Alex looks farther into the distance, deeper into the dorm for some kind of explanation.
"Spencer?!" she yells out to wake up the possibly sleeping brunette. She probably has no idea of Aria's current state. She should be here. She knows Aria more than anyone and would know what to do.
"Spence!"
"She's gone….." a barely audible croak sounds.
Alex switches her sights onto Aria immediately at the acknowledgement of her voice. It was hoarse and cracked as if she hasn't had water in days. It didn't even sound like her. It sounded deeper and more mature than Aria's usual tone.
"When is she coming back?" Alex asks.
Aria eyes drift gradually to the side before they connect with a pair of overly concerned ones already staring at her, patiently waiting for a response that seemed to take forever to come out. Aria blinks slowly with her eyelids drooped low.
"…..she's coming back to leave me again…."
Alex couldn't be any more confused at what's going on with Aria's reply. Her hands reach up and cup her friend's face to really look at her. Her once bright hazel eyes that seemed to twinkle in the sunlight was now dull and matte-like swimming aimlessly in the red sea. It seeped in with the colors of her eye makeup that was ruined. With the blending palettes grey and brown to create her smoky eyes, the upper lid stayed somewhat intact while her lashes and mascara looked a fright. One eye had no fake lashes while the other had the lashes barely hanging on. Her under eye appeared to be irritated as if she was constantly rubbing them and smeared her eyeliner completely. There were streaks all down her face that rolled to her jaw along with one earring attached to her ear while the other one was missing.
What the hell happened last night?
"Aria, how long have you been here like this?" Alex looks deep into her eyes enough to see tears beginning to form. After a few quiet seconds, Aria's chin began to tremble and before she could open her mouth to speak, she breathed in a strangled gasp with tears now flooding down her face. Alex pulled Aria into her as she now started to cry all over again.
"Okay, it's okay. Come on. I got you." Alex soothes Aria as best as she could as she strokes her hair. Although she has only known Aria for a semester, she feels as if they've been best friends for years and never has she ever seen her cry let alone cry this hard. Right then Alex decided that her Saturday was going to be spent in this dorm, taking care of her. There is no way she's capable of standing on her own feet at this time.
With a bit of resistance from Aria's side, Alex is able to bring her to stand after being on that floor for who knows how many hours. Aria's weak legs drag underneath her while she leans on her friend for support. She didn't feel like getting up nor walking; she just wanted to stay on the ground and do nothing. She had absolutely no ambition for anything today and it bewildered her. She's been through break ups before and they have stung but, although not official, the way her and Spencer separated was such a stab in the heart, she felt like a piece of her was ripped out.
"Come on, we have to get you out of this dress."
"Alex, no..." Aria groans out as they walk towards the bathroom. She pushes back slightly only for Alex to hold her firm grip to prevent her from going anywhere.
"Aria, yes. Trust me, when you're nice and clean in a clean bed, it'll help you more than you think. You can't stay in this dirty dress. Look at it." she points to Aria's once beautiful black and purple train dress to something dusty and grey coated. "It looks like you turned yourself into a mop and picked up every piece of dirt out in the outside hallway."
Aria continues to slowly sling as she glanced down at herself. Alex was right. After a failed attempt of chasing after Spencer, Aria had a panic attack on the top of the staircase. The beginning stages of her empty aching started to kick in and she barely found enough strength to get back to her dorm. That is, until she heard a couple making out at the bottom of the stairs and didn't want to hear or be around anything remotely intimate. It made her want to throw up.
"You're going to take a shower and I'm...I'm going to do something." Alex tells Aria as they finally make it to the bathroom. Aria stands around idly as she feels her body being tugged in several directions. Alex already foresaw Aria sitting on the bathroom floor still in her dress, so she decided to move her a couple steps forward and help her take her tight dress off. If she hardly had any energy to stand on her own, Alex knew she would not have the energy to strip down and hop in the shower. However, she couldn't help her do everything so she was going to bring her as close as she can before she gave her some privacy.
Aria takes a glimpse downwards and sees the top of her dress bunched around her waist, exposing her dark colored bra. If she was in a different frame of mind, she would thank Alex for her help when she didn't have to do anything but leave her in her own self-pity but she could not find the words to even formulate the thought let alone verbalize it.
A few more tugs and pulls later, the dress falls to Aria's ankles, leaving her standing in her just her undergarments. Which, quite frankly, Alex was glad she wore because if she decided to go commando, it would have made this a tad bit awkward.
"Now..." Alex crouches down and gently grabs a hold of Aria's ankle, lifting it out of the dress. "I need you to get washed up. If you need to take a long hot shower, then go ahead. We're going to get through this, okay?"
…
Alex turns off the sink faucet and rips a nearby paper towel to dry her hands.
"I don't know what went on last night but I can tell you this is pretty much 'red alert, sound the alarm' cry for help kind of thing."
"I've tried to call Spencer but I keep getting her voicemail." Mackenzie's voice sighs in response on the other end of the call. A few minutes after she left Aria in the bathroom, she went towards the living room and examined the remains of what used to be Spencer's phone before she called for backup like a crime scene detective.
"That's because her phone is shattered in the living room with parts all over the place."
"What? What do you mean shattered?"
"Like sweep it up and toss it in the trash, shattered." Alex casually explains as she opens their fridge door. Her eyes widen as she's silently taken back by the fullness. Never has she ever seen their kitchen so packed with food.
"I'm….I'm so lost!"
"Look, I normally don't fall for dramatics because there are so many people who like to overdramatize things for a pity party but….." Alex lowers her voice to a small hush as she takes a brief moment to listen for the shower running before she continues talking lightly. "I've never seen Aria like this before, Ken. She looks like one of those patients that are on the brink of death but you still have to get them up and walk them around the hospital just to get some exercise. And Spencer? She practically lives with that phone on her forehead like a politician on their 5th shot of expresso and it's destroyed like that? And she's MIA? What the fuck happened last night?"
Aria stands under the hot water raining onto her hair and skin with her head bowed. She imagines parts of her melting down the same drain she stared at. Her insecurities. Her passive aggressiveness. Her ability to mess up anything that looks promising. When she reflects on what happened last night, every path leads to her. No matter what direction she takes, what answers she gives, they all end up at the same conclusion.
Aria.
...
Alex pulls out a drawer and grabs a spoon when she turns around to see her friend now freshly clothed out of the shower.
"Hey..." she smiles at her while she sets a bowl on the kitchen bar in front of the seat Aria takes. Aria looks down into the bowl and sees the steaming hot soup Alex has made. She didn't expect her to cook. She didn't even expect her to come over. What time is it?
"How are you feeling?"
"Can you call Mackenzie? See if he's seen Spencer or if she's with him?" Aria scratches her arm, keeping her eyes away from Alex.
"I did speak to Ken and he hasn't seen Spencer since-"
"I have to know where she went because she didn't come back last night."
"Well, I'm no-"
"There are very limited places she'd go because she pretty much hates everyone..." Aria cuts Alex off once more, seemingly to indulge in an out loud conversation with herself rather than actually conversing with her friend.
Alex turns back around and grabs herself a bowl out of their cabinet. "I know for sure she didn't come see me nor Mackenzie so those are two names you could cross out."
Aria continues to scratch as she stares off into the distance. Although her face appeared empty, her eyes moved in front of her as if her brain was a computer and she was processing information in front of her.
"This is so unlike her, though. I mean, with all the work she does and how much pressure she puts on herself, maybe sh-"
A push of a chair scraps against the floor, causing Alex to turn around and already see Aria heading towards the door.
"Uhh…. Aria, where are you going?"
Aria slips on a pair of scandals left by the entrance and snatches her key off the hanger, all before she swings open her door and heads out.
"Aria! Shit!" Alex burns her fingers by accident when she misses the bowl while pouring her hot soup. She quickly sets the bowl on the counter and runs towards the door with her mouth cooling her throbbing index and middle finger.
...
Knock! Knock! Knock!
A long moment passes before locks are heard untwisting and the door opens to a short, pale faced Aria whose hair was still damp from the shower on top of her black long sleeved pajama top with small black athletic shorts underneath.
"Hey, lovebird. What brings you down to my side of the swamp?" Vanessa smiles as she leans against her dorm's door frame. She notices Alex lingering in the background and gives her a nod of acknowledgement although she's never seen her before.
"Is Spencer in there with you, by any chance?" Aria plays with her fingers nervously awaiting Vanessa telling her yes. All she could see herself doing is running through the door to either the couch or Spencer's old room if it's not occupied and jumping on her, promises never to pressure her to do anything else while she riddles her with kisses.
"Uhmm no, actually." Vanessa furs her brows as she crosses her arms. "I haven't seen her in months. Shouldn't she be upstairs with you?"
And just like that, Aria's vision of making up was shattered.
"N-No...no, she uh...she left for a second and I was...I was kinda wondering where she went."
"Oh okay. Well, then yeah. She definitely isn't down here."
"Okay, thanks." Aria musters up a short-lived smile that immediately turned into a frown when she walks away before she even finishes her sentence. Vanessa watches Aria disappear from her door and glances up at Alex.
"Thanks." Alex gives an awkward smile and a wave before she walks after Aria. She only makes it down the hallway before Aria turns around, hand on her mouth as she starts processing again.
"Who was that?"
"Spencer's old roommate." Aria answers quietly, still looking past Alex, yet to make eye contact with her. "She doesn't have many friends here. Not friends she likes enough to stay over. Where would she go?"
"Ar, I think we should just-"
"She had this friend." Aria bows her head in thought now, not listening to Alex but instead jogging her own memory. "Uhmm...Uh...Andre? And...erson? Do you know where he would be?"
Alex sighs in defeated. "I have no idea who you are talking about."
"He was tall with blonde hair and they studied together!"
"Aria. Did you go to a banquet last night?"
"Uh yeah." Aria answers as if the question didn't require an answer that was anything less of obvious.
"Other than you, your date, and Ken, who was at the banquet last night?"
"Her family."
"Exactly." Alex steps into Aria, putting a hand on her shoulder. "Think about it. Don't you think she crashed with her parents? Just because they're probably still in town?"
Aria only keeps her eyes on Alex's for a few moments before she glanced down, subtly nodding her head. "...You might be right..."
"I know I am. Just because you have one fight, I doubt that you are broken forever. You guys live together for Pete's sake. You both were bound to fight over something." Alex jokily smiles as she puts both hands on Aria's shoulders and turns her around, walking her down the hall back to her dorm.
"Plus this is a very stressful time for all of us, especially Spencer. After stretching herself out like an elastic band, she finally hit her pressure point. And now? She has to recuperate, she has to do a reset so she won't kill herself. It's perfectly okay to get some air without your girlfriend or boyfriend in order for you to find calmness. Spencer isn't going to leave you, Aria." Alex leans over Aria's shoulder to look at her with reassurance. "Okay?"
...
After another two hours of staying with Aria and trying to soothe her out of her frantic mind, Alex leaves to handle errands but vowed to come back when she was done. However, when she left, Aria locked the door shut with no intention of reopening it. She needed to be alone. Alone to stand motionless in her living room, staring at the broken phone on the floor. The only way of contact, shattered and disconnected.
A sudden, sharp inhale rocks Aria's small frame as she feels herself about to break down again. Although what Alex said is most likely right, she can help but to feel ripped apart inside by everything. Alex didn't see it. Alex didn't see her. Spencer pushed her off and ran. Ran out the dorm, and down the hallway. When she ran after her, Spencer picked up speed and disappeared.
That was more than a fight. It felt like disgust. Loathing. Felt like a desperate attempt to get away from something that she could no longer stand.
As the time passes, Aria would sit on the couch, waiting by the door like a faithful puppy waiting for their best friend, their owner. The love of their life. But one thing she learned as she painfully sat in the same spot for three hours in silence? She has never realized how long 24 hours were until she was avidly waiting for something. She was just hopping at any second now, Spencer would open the door and walk in. But for as long as she waited, that moment never came.
She's left her phone on, made sure it was fully charged with the ringer on high just in case Spencer called her from another number. She kept the blinds open so she had full visual of the courtyard in front of her dorm in case she sees Spencer walking by. She's took the pre-baked cookies the Hastings' brought and cooked them, leaving it on a plate in the kitchen so when Spencer walked in, she'd be able to apologize with baked goods in her hands. She did everything as she waited for a door that never opened. A girlfriend that never came back.
8am turned into noon.
Noon turned into 3pm.
3pm turned into 6pm.
The concept of time disappeared as the dorm stays as noiseless as it did at 2 in the morning when she was left on the living room floor in her dirty dress.
It's just too damn quiet.
…...
Aria lays in Spencer's bed as she flipped through the pages of the magazine in her hands, ever so slowly. The magazine of them. The magazine of her. Finding out in a more abrupt way than expected, Aria has been taking the photos she's snapped on her camera and developed them, blowing them up into full-page sizes. This idea hit her in the middle of her workshop club and she wanted it to be a secret, hidden away from Spencer until it was absolutely perfect in every way. Her fingers softly glide across the fine pages as she gazed at a picture of Spencer on the couch with her laptop on her lap as she absentmindedly chewed on her pen, watching one of her TV shows. Sometimes she loved to just sit there and watch Spencer, almost like observing this mystical creature in its habitat. The concentration in her face and the slowness of her breathing, Aria remembered that moment well. And as she flips through the pages, each picture came with a story that she could just hear playing in her head.
Snap!
"Aria, are you serious right now?" Staring at her in the mirror, Spencer mumbles out as she stops brushing her teeth as soon as the camera flash went off.
Aria brings the camera down from her eye and looks at the picture inside her gallery. "It's called a candid shot. It's supposed to be natural when you're not expecting it therefore no posing."
"But while I'm brushing my teeth?!" Spencer complains, spitting a wad into the sink water before she begins scrubbing again.
"Why not? It's candid."
Snap!
"Aria!" Spencer spins and lunges for her as Aria moved out of her grasp with just a second's reflex.
"You're not supposed to look at the camera!" Aria shrieks with a laughter as she moves her camera in different directions just so Spencer couldn't grab it.
"I'm going to break that camera, that's what I'm going to do! Delete it!"
Snap!
Aria chuckles to herself as she gazes at the picture of Spencer with her toothbrush hanging out of her mouth, hand extended at the camera to cover the lens. That was a fun and relaxed day as she recalls it. It was the weekend – no major assignments to work on, no clubs or societies that needed their presence, just a slow and relaxed day. Aria frowns a bit as she stares at Spencer's face. Aria always titled herself as a hopeless romantic, and with that, she felt a lot. Her heart beats right on top of her skin, vulnerable and exposed for everyone to see. She knows that Spencer won't be gone forever but the knowledge of her disappearance currently made her hurt more than she ever anticipated. They might have not even been together that long but living with each other, seeing each other's face nearly 24/7, it microwaved everything. At least for Aria anyways. She wonders if Spencer felt the same…
"Fuck…." Aria murmurs to herself, "Fuckfuckfuckfuck! Shit!" she closes the magazine, tossing it to the side. She curses herself for how aggressive she was – for how blind.
Why couldn't I just drop the issue the first time? Why did I keep pushing and pushing and pushing?! What was even the gain from it? Just so we can hold-hands in public? Was that worth all of this!
Both hands fly on Aria's face, covering the shame she is sure she was wearing before she raised them to settle into her hair. She sits silently to herself, her eyes trained on the white wall in front of her before she hopped off the bed and darted across to her room. She unplugs her laptop from its charger on top of her desk and leaps onto her mattress as she opens the computer. Speeding away to type in the password to unlock it, she hurriedly clicks Google chrome. If there is one thing she knew about Spencer, she lives, breathes, and sleeps with her phone in her hand. Why? She has to be in the know at all times. If someone calls, texts, emails, or messages her, she has to be able to have access to it at that exact moment. Never has she ever been not connected, especially when she's committed to so many things. Her phone might be broken from a fight of rage but if she has learned anything, she knows Spencer is using some way to check in on her notifications.
Aria speeds over to her Penn WebLogin.
"AMontgomery…55…." Aria mumbles her university email address, her fingers flying over the keyboard letters to sign in. Once given access to her account, she passes over her current unread emails, making sure she's not missing anything important like a deadline, financial aid notice, or anything that can derail her attention. She clicks the compose button and scrolls through her established contacts to find Spencer's email.
Everything slows down.
The cursor blinks on the empty message body and Aria ponders to herself. She thought of the idea of how to potentially message Spencer but didn't think about what to say. What could she say? There were a plethora of words flowing through her head
"I'm sorry…"
"Please come back…"
"This was all my fault…"
"I miss you…"
"Are you safe? Are you okay?"
"Call me, please."
With every meaningful line she comes up with, she backspaces until no black letters were imprinted. There is a possibility Spencer might see this message and she had to make sure that she gets this right the first time. She only has one rock to skip across the water and she needs this to shoot far and not sink.
"I hope wherever you are that you're safe. My behavior yesterday was completely out of line and I'm horrified at what came out of it. I know you need your space - and I completely encourage it - but can you please call me? Just so I know you're okay? It's really quiet without you here and I-"
Aria bites her lip as the tips of her fingers hover above the keyboard.
"I miss you. I miss the sound of your voice and didn't realize how much I appreciated it until it was gone. I'm not saying you shouldn't be upset with me but I wish you could be upset here within these walls where I know you're alright. You can lock the doors, not come out unless I'm inside my room, and completely avoid me but I would rather get the silent treatment with your presence still around than for you to be out there somewhere with no form of connection. I'm not sure if you're going to get this message but if you do….please call me…. I love you."
Aria exhales harshly as she leans back, silently reading over her email to make sure it's exactly what she wants to say. Her eyes scan the screen relentlessly before she goes up to the subject title, thinking of what to put there as well.
"Please read me."
Aria holds her breath, proofreading it one last time and checking the address to verify she was in fact sending it to Spencer and nobody else by mistake before she pressed send.
Now…she waits…
…
Aria's head gradually bows off to the side before she's jerked awake, not even realizing that she nodded off. She laid on her bed with her laptop on her stomach, watching some YouTube videos to pass the time as she waited by her inbox for a message she desperately wanted to come. She wiped at the corner of her mouth and adjusted herself to sit up right when she glances over to her email tab window. To her surprise, she had one unread message.
Aria's heart thumps firmly against her chest as she snaps into attention. Her fingers quickly swipe at the mouse pad to open her inbox when she sees a bolded subject title from the unread message.
Dear Aria Montgomery,
This is a friendly reminder for you to check your account statement online! Checking your account regularly can help you manage your money more effectively!
Aria rolls her eyes shut with a groan. She keeps them closed for a few moments before she opened them again and peeked over at the time
9:29pm
She's been sleeping for roughly three hours and within those three hours, Spencer didn't respond back. As a person who can go from calm to anxious in a record-breaking 0.12 seconds, her restless meter kicked all the way into high gear. Did she actually send the message or is it sitting in drafts when she thought it sent? Was it to the right email? Did she send it to someone else?
She clicks over to see her sent mail and, indeed, she sent her heartfelt apology to Spencer's email. The same email she lives and breathes with.
Aria throws her hands onto her face, pulling the skin down she got to her mouth where she started biting on her nail. She has no idea where she is, she can't call her, and she can't message her. She felt like she was in total isolation with nowhere to breathe. A part of her is almost desperate enough to try and figure out Spencer's parents' number – just to double check if she's safe there with them. However, what if Spencer isn't there and has decided to go over to someone else's place and now she has her parents worried about her whereabouts? Spencer's frustration would grow even more with Aria because of her latest track record and cause her to end things between them once and for all. No matter what her heart tells her to do, all she does is lay back in bed and wait. Wait for something.
Wait for anything.
…
Aria walks inside the freshly-roasted scented Starbucks that has a few people lingering here and there. She stands by the front counter as she looks at the menu to see what she'll have. After battling what to order, she casually glances at another customer, who looks disheveled and tired, waiting for an order in their pajamas. After a moment of looking at the waiting customer, she realizes, once again, who she ran into.
Spencer feels eyes on her as she turns her head in the direction of Aria.
"You've got to be kidding me," she mumbles under her breath as she hangs her head. Aria takes a step towards Spencer. "Please don't." Spencer tiredly protests, "If you've came here to make my night even more of a hell, you've already won."
"Look, Spencer, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. For everything." Aria apologizes as she steps closer, "I just want to start over. No games, no fighting, just a restart."
Spencer suspiciously eyes the smaller brunette, not knowing if she should trust her or not. "How do you know my name?"
"I came by your dorm earlier today. I got your roommate who told me. I wanted to apologize then but you were already gone."
Spencer finally caves in as she sighs, "Ok. We can restart. What's your name?"
"Aria. Aria Montgomery."
"I'm Spencer Hastings." Spencer responds.
7:45am
Aria looks at her phone screen before she cupped her warm drink in her hands, glancing out the window to the lightly dimmed streets that barely had a sunrise. She was the only person sitting at a table while the workers started up the machines for the day. Some of the employees even wondered themselves – what is she during here at seven in the morning…..on a Sunday? If asked, Aria would respond with a simple answer.
Waiting on her girlfriend.
All night she waited on Spencer's reply to her, whether it came in a form of an email, text, or even phone call. But no matter how patiently she waited, nothing came. Now, she was at the point of desperation. She decided to really channel Spencer if she wanted to get a sense of where she was or how she could find her. What is one thing Spencer does every morning without fail?
Drink coffee.
She is one of those modified human beings that require coffee just to open their eyes and Aria knew that she relied on their coffee maker to get her though the mornings. Without Spencer being at the dorm, she has to get it somewhere else. This caused Aria to go to the spot where they decided to drop their act of pettiness and get to know each other. She will never forget how Spencer looked when she locked eyes on her – like hell. But it was humorous to her; the pajamas, tired gaze that said I will kill you if you try to talk to be before I swallow this sip.
Maybe she'll run into her like that again? At least that's what she wishes for as she sat there alone at the Starbucks that just opened 15 minutes ago.
"Yes, I have emailed you the said forms through email earlier this morning." Spencer holds her phone between her right ear and shoulder as she fills her black and white striped traveler's mug with the freshly brewed coffee, Aria besides her filling her purple thermal with the tea she made.
"Yes, the only thing I need is the email authorization from you that all the information is correct and up to date so that I could turn in the application before the deadline." Spencer lowers the coffee pot back into the maker, turns around to the kitchen bar and begins putting her folders and notebooks into her bag as Aria seals the cap on her lid, readjusting her purse on her shoulders.
"As long as you scan the paperwork with your signature at the bottom, you can forward the email back to them. They'll accept it that way instead of sending it via postal service." Aria reaches over Spencer to reach for the buttered croissant placed by her bag, trying to not make a lot of noise removing the cover. Opening the package, Aria quickly grabs the bread and rips a piece off and shoves it in Spencer's mouth knowing with her scattered brain, she'll forget to eat before she leaves.
"Mhmm." Spencer quickly chews on the croissant, "Whenever you have the time, there is no rush."
Aria places the lid back as Spencer swings her bag over her shoulder. She bends down and gives a kiss to Aria goodbye before she grabs her coffee mug.
"Bye," She mouths to the brunette as she makes her way to the door.
"Bye," Aria whispers back with a small smile.
Spencer unlocks the front door and transfers her phone from her right shoulder to her right hand, giving the last wave to Aria before she closes the door behind her.
Aria turns around to grab her tea mug when she reaches for a black and white mug instead of a purple one. Aria sighs to herself as she stands in the kitchen, counting down softly to herself.
"7….6….5….4….3….2…."
Spencer emerges from the other side of the door, holding the purple tea mug in her hand. Before she could say anything, she sees Aria standing in the kitchen, holding Spencer's correct mug in the air. Spencer sighs out a relief as she rushes towards the smaller brunette and exchange the cups.
"Thanks,'' she whispers as she gives Aria another kiss on her cheek. Aria amusedly nods her head before Spencer spins around and rushes out the door.
10:28am
After a look at the time and the cafe buzzing around her, Aria realized how foolish she probably looked. She didn't even process what she was doing until that moment. She woke up at six in the morning, just to sit at Starbucks from the moment they opened. Now, three hours later, she is still sitting there with no kind of payoff.
She glances around to see people socializing nearby her.
This is crazy….
Aria faces forward at her computer screen that she had before her, working on an assignment with her email opened as a popup window just in case.
I'm crazy. This is crazy.
In a hesitant motion, Aria closes her laptop and slides it into her bag. Alex was right. People need space. Spencer has to reset and find calmness. A weekend without Spencer won't kill her. As much as she dislikes it and as much as the ending of their Friday night burns her, people need their space. You have to give it time.
…..
With classes resuming back into session the following Monday morning, Aria pushes through the door of her art class to be, yet again, the first person inside. The professor wasn't even present as he unlocked the door and left to handle things before class began. Aria takes her usual seat at her group's table and makes herself comfortable for the first lecture of the day. This morning, she made a point to make herself look presentable. She knew that Spencer would show. She wouldn't ruin her perfect attendance over a fight they had just to avoid her.
Ten to fifteen minutes later, the class starts filling up with other students with the professor making small talk to the small crowd. It wasn't long before her table was joined by Mackenzie and Alex. And when they did, it was an instant game of 21 questions.
"Okay, what exactly happened after the banquet because this whole thing is confusing as hell to me." Mackenzie moves in closer to Aria as he takes his seat with a hushed voice. Bringing to light the important question, Aria guiltily sighs, her eyes falling down to her textbook.
"One moment we're at the banquet and things were fine and now I'm hearing that a phone was smashed and Spence is now MIA."
"Were things really fine at the banquet, though?" Alex interjects, making Mackenzie look back at her. "You said at some part during, Aria glared at you like she wanted to snap your neck."
Mackenzie goes to comment on that small occurrence when Aria finally speaks up.
"I was drinking…" she admits for the first time, now ashamed. "Carson brought some whiskey and I drank it only to ease my anxious nerves. But instead, it just heightened my bitter feelings to the point we ended up fighting and that's when Spencer told me that I was making her life miserable, basically. That's about it."
Hearing all this for the first time, Alex's eyebrows raise as Mackenzie shakes his head, rubbing his face.
"I should have never gotten involved. This blew up bigger than we anticipated."
"No, it's not your fault. It's mine. I apparently don't understand the concept of boundaries."
"Speaking of…" Alex nudges Mackenzie under the table and nods her head towards the direction of the door. Aria follows her gaze when her breath hitched slightly at the sight of Spencer walking through the doors.
She felt a mixture of emotions - from being relived to excited to anxious, however, Spencer's appearance definitely added concerned to that list. Everything on her was baggy. Baggy sweater, baggy sweats, hair in a ponytail, the ultimate lazy look. Most lazy looks are still "put together" in a way but this look was as if she put little to zero effort in getting dressed this morning. Oddest thing about it was that she walked in with shades. Even though all her clothes are at their dorm, where did she get these clothes from? Doesn't she have clothes at home? Isn't that where she went?
Spencer drops a single notebook and a pen on the desktop, not even acknowledging the people at her table, takes a sip of her water bottle and raises her sunglasses to the top of her head as she turns her body to face the front of the class. Aria scoots her chair closer to the back of Spencer with a trying, soft smile.
"Hey, baby." she tenderly greets her girlfriend, gently touching her elbow with affection and a small rub. She waits patiently for a response back, whether it was a head nod, tiny "hi" back, or even a hand wave, something to recognize her yet, nothing comes. Spencer is as still as a rock. Almost as if Aria was a ghost and Spencer didn't hear her.
Maybe she was too quiet.
"I've missed you." Aria tries again, this time a little bit louder, just enough for Spencer's ears can catch. Her hands caresses the small of Spencer's back as she inches in closer.
The silence from Spencer speaks louder than the chatter in the room. After being away for the entire weekend, she was still continuing her silent treatment.
"Spencer, would you look at me, please?" Aria now sounded desperate with the blatant disregard for her presence. She opened her mouth to speak again, to apologize, to ask for forgiveness, to get her attention, when Dr. Hasleberger clears his throat to begin his class. As he talks, all Aria could so is slowly remove herself from Spencer in shame. With the time they spent apart, Spencer still had a problem with her.
….
The dismissal of class came after what felt like slow, agonizing hours with Spencer moving pretty swift to get to her next class. Aria rushes, throwing her things whichever in her bag when she quick steps after Spencer in order to finally get her attention.
"Spencer." she calls after her in the hallway that was hastily emptied with students trying to get hell out of there. After her not responding nor slowing down, Aria jogs up to her to cut her off.
"Spencer! Please, give me a chance to amend this!"
With no way to escape her now, Spencer stands face to face with Aria who was basically panting now. She lets out a deep sigh and Aria is nearly taken back by her appearance up close. Her mouth sagged, posture was slugged, as her eyes were blocked by sunglasses again. However, with the limited time she had, she decided to skip her concerns and go straight to issue at hand.
"What happened Saturday was completely out of line from my behalf. I have no jurisdiction over you and what you should do when it comes to your family. That's where I messed up – and I know I messed up. I recognize it this. Now, I'm not asking for you to forgive me, although I would be grateful if you did, but….can you please come back?" Aria exhales as she spoke hurriedly in just one breath. Her head falls to the side as she stared at Spencer, affectionately.
"I've missed you like crazy."
"Right now is really not the time." Spencer croaked out with mutter as she looked out the door behind Aria. "I have a class to get to-"
"And I'm not trying to hold you up-"
"But here you are doing just that." Spencer retorts coldly.
Aria takes a second to look at Spencer. Really look at her.
"Why are you wearing sunglasses indoors?"
"I see we didn't cease the continuation of making me explain myself at your demand." Spencer lightly shook her head with a roll of her eyes, despite Aria being able to see it. Aria goes to rebuttal that inaccurate statement when Spencer speaks again.
"Anyways, I have more important things to focus on right now so-" and at that moment, she walks past Aria as if she didn't even know her and Aria felt defeated. Didn't even have the energy to protest back or defend herself. She simply turns around and watches Spencer walk down the hallway and out the exit doors, leaving her by herself in the complete silence.
….
"I fucking hate this so much." Aria sniffles, wiping her eyes. But no matter how much she tried to clear them away, the tears kept coming. The hurt didn't leave.
"The way she talked to me was like a reset back to when we first met with her being incredibly condescending. Except this time, this isn't some kind of back and forth game anymore. I have feelings and she just….I fucked this all up."
She began to lightly cry with her head bowed shamefully just as Mackenzie reaches for Aria's hands, intertwining them together and pulls her in-between his legs as he sat watching her on her couch. He tries to give her some kind of support in her trying time of vulnerability, not liking the tension between his friends.
"I don't know what to do."
"Sometimes there is nothing you can do. You have to let her figure out things on her own."
"Okay but what if she figures out that she doesn't want to be with me anymore? What do I do then?"
"She'll come back to you soon, I prom-"
The front door unlocks and pushes open when both their sights jolt on Spencer coming in from the other side, now briefly stopped.
"Spencer." Aria gasps, pulling away from Mackenzie immediately. She quickly wipes her eyes again as Mackenzie raises to his feet, surprised at her sudden appearance as well.
"Hey, Spence."
Spencer pulls her key out of the door, closing it behind her, as she then sets out to walk past them to her room. Aria gives Mackenzie a knowing look, whispering that she'll see him later before they part ways with him leaving her dorm and Aria moving towards Spencer's room. Lightly opening her door, she sees Spencer placing her sports bag on top of her bed, throwing clothes inside of it. This instantly twists Aria's stomach upon the sight because for a split moment, she thought she would walk into Spencer settling back in not packing up.
"Wh…What's going on? Why are you packing?"
Spencer strolls towards her closet where she opened up the doors and took a moment to take inventory of what she had. It wasn't long before she started removing articles off their hangers, folded them, and placed it inside her bag.
"Spencer." Aria tries for her attention once more. When she realized she was actively being ignored, she decided it was now time to put her foot down.
"Spencer. Spencer, answer me!"
"I need my things if I want to pass my classes." Spencer finally responds to Aria growing anxious but in a non-caring tone of voice as she continues on.
"There is a reason your things are here. Why are you moving them?"
Silence.
"Are you this mad at me? You cannot be acting out this much because of last night. No way. There is something else that you're not telling me."
Silence.
"Talk to me, dammit!" Aria blows over, stomping right behind Spencer with her fist bawled at her side, nearly shaking. With a single zip, fitting just enough, Spencer throws the strap of the bag over her shoulder and goes to get a few more parting items.
"Cut the dramatics, Aria." she says, grabbing her laptop. "You're just wasting your energy."
"I want to know what has you this mad! Why are you leaving! Where are you going! Why are you acting like this!" no matter how much Aria urged to understand their current situation, the only thing Spencer was doing at this point was grabbing her purse and heading out her room door with no emotion on her face other than annoyance.
"I was wrong about everything, please!" Aria followed after her, now on the verge of tears again. "Spencer! I love you! And-and-and if you walk out that door, if you leave, you're telling me that you don't care. That you don't love me anymore. That everything we worked for was for nothing."
Spencer stops completely, her back facing Aria as she looked right at their front door.
"Don't walk out on me again. I can't handle that. Not for the second time. I need you-" the words catch themselves in Aria's throat with a hitch, a single tear falling down her face as she slowly approached Spencer with a hand extended, wanting to touch her.
"I need you here."
Aria places her palm gently on Spencer's waist with the intention of twisting her around so they can look at each other, however, Spencer turns her head, looking over her shoulder at the floor.
"…Then why don't you call Mackenzie to keep you company."
Aria's hand leaves Spencer's body as she walked off with a harsh step away from her girlfriend to the door. Aria stood there in dumbfounded shock while Spencer leaves their dorm once again. There is nothing but stillness surrounded by quietness as she stands almost wide-eyed, staring at the door Spencer just left through. Tears, now freely, roll from her unblinked eyes before, in a snap, Aria grabs the first thing beside her – one of her assigned folders for class that rested on the kitchen bar – and chucks it like a Frisbee with a guttural yell that rumbled deep within her trachea. Tens of papers fly out all over the living room with Aria's anger starting to rise to frustrated levels.
I cannot believe it's been a whole year. An entire year. Are you guys still alive? I'll be honest, the main reason why Different Gazes hasn't been touched in so long was because I lost motivation for it. Worst timing with 3 chapters left, if you asked me. I've mentioned this before in prior author notes but I felt as if I was starting to sound like I was begging. Maybe I kinda was.
I think we've heard this thousands of times in the fanfiction world and in other creative aspects of fandoms – feedback is practically gold for creators. The difference between an ambitious creator and an indifferent creator is feedback, whether it's comments, reviews, shares, or any other form of communication between a creator and their audience. And trust, I know Sparia is a crackship and I do not expect the same level of attention as an Ezria or Spoby story, however, you guys are not as small as you think you guys are!
When I say Different Gazes sometimes goes toe-to-toe with some of my popular Emison stories when it comes to monthly views, it honestly does! And I have so much appreciation for you guys who have been supportive of this story after all this time. But with these last chapters, before my hiatus, it really felt like I was talking to a crowd of about four people and it really confused me. Especially when the views go in the thousands. And after some not-so-successful attempts of encouraging readers to be vocal with their opinions towards this work, that's when my drive to continue this story took a massive it. Unfortunately, here we are a little over a year later.
But the thing is, I really, really, really love this universe I created here. I love everything about it. And because of that, it would really bother me that I couldn't finish it. I would think about it just about every day about how I need to get back to my babies. So, one day, I opened up word doc and just tried to spit out as much as I could – taking it a step at a time. And here we are!
We've had happy Sparia for so long that this Sparia almost seems unnatural. Just as Aria stated, it feels like they had reset and restarted back to how they met. Aria believes that Spencer could not be this mad at her from their fight and that it had to be something else but is it really? Could it be that Spencer needs space after their blow up? Or is it truly something else? But most importantly, how long will this last?
Two more chapters left until the end…thank you for those who are still here with me.
