Sorry, I got sidetracked, at least it wasn't a day.
So, here should be most of the answers you wanted.
Read on!
28. Sister
I spent the weekend at La Push, too cowardly to return to Forks where Edward might be waiting. Waiting to dump me, or waiting with her. Either was gut wrenching, as long as I was in La Push I didn't know what happened in Forks. As long as I was in La Push I could imagine Edward was waiting at home for me, annoyed I was with the dog rather than with him. As long as I was in La Push Izzy did not exist. As long as I was in La Push I could pretend everything was okay. As long as I was in La Push I could still feel wanted.
I went and saw the pack a few times – Paul wasn't the only one upset they had missed a fight. To make it worse most of the included wolves bragged all the time about how they had taken down this many vampires. I listened happily to the stories, gruesome as they were, as many showed the Cullens and werewolves working in unison. Seth was the only one who had come to Seattle that had whined. He had only seen the aftermath of the fight.
Leah glared at me the whole time – for putting her brother in danger (however minor) or something else I didn't know.
Somehow talks of fights had turned into real ones. Well, real to the extent that they were actually happening in that time, the fights were them just playing and involved a lot of laughter.
Then somehow I found myself in the fights. Paul had announced fighting me would be so easy they'd have to fight on their knees to make it interesting, and even then. I had glared at him and turned off the function in his arm for a moment.
The guys went easy on me when they fought (not on their knees) but most of the time I ended pinned to the floor. I still found it interesting, revising my fighting skills and learning a few more. I ended up with bruises but that was fine with me, battle wounds.
Charlie came up, and decided that we should invite a few people over for dinner at the Black's – he only had one request, Embry's mother Tiffany Call.
Billy invited the Clearwater's too, and eventually a bunch of others were invited, but I was curious of my father's request.
I found out why at the dinner. Tiffany had greeted Charlie with the warmest smile, and he had opened his arms for a hug. "Charlie, you just keep popping up in my life don't you?"
"Who said you're not popping up in my life?" he teased, she blushed a little. Tiffany was a pretty woman, not amazing or gorgeous but pretty. Her smile was very white against her russet skin, and stretched widest whenever her eyes found Charlie.
They sat close all night, and chatted to each other as often as they did with all the others combined. I smiled at the sight. Maybe that was one thing I could check off my list.
Embry sat by me while I sat with Jacob. He was watching his mother interact with my father with almost the same rapture I did, his smile softer. "If your Dad keeps it up like this she might be in a good enough mood to un-ground me until next morning."
I felt sorry for Embry, his mom didn't know he was a wolf and kept punishing him for sneaking out whenever the pack needed him. Judging by the smile she had she might indeed be kinder to her son.
Billy too seemed happy by the possible peering, smiling at his old-time friend's happiness when Charlie wasn't looking. He didn't seem jealous at all, which seemed to prove something to me. It was unknown whose Embry's real father was, and Billy was a suspect, but I refused the notion after that night.
A lot of people talked to Billy, marvelling when he showed them he could indeed walk. He stayed in his chair most of the night though, probably for the convenience of having a chair wherever you went rather than having to stand or move your seat.
Too soon it was Sunday afternoon, and I had to go home. I felt irrationally scared, my heart was beating fast ever since the clock stroke 4 pm.
Jacob offered another night for me to stay, but I declined – I'd run out of clean underwear and my jeans were disgusting. Jake had let me borrow his shirts to wear, and offered that I just wear his shirts several times. I had slept in only his shirt and underwear on Saturday night; Jake seemed to enjoy that too much.
I felt jittery as soon as I was sure I was passed the Quileute border. My palms were sweating against the steering wheel and I imagined Edward would step out from behind every tree I passed, jump at my car in any second, Izzy by his side. Her red eyes had haunted my dreams, not angry or threatening but joyously happy and smug.
I was amazed that I got home without being attacked, even more amazed when I went inside and Edward wasn't there, in my room or elsewhere. Well, I was amazed at first, relieved, but then sad and angry. He really didn't want to see me, he was avoiding me now. I shouldn't have told him I didn't want to talk to him I would give anything to hear his voice.
I didn't cook, only heated up the frozen leftovers that were slowly depleting in number since Charlie had stopped working so hard. He had all but discarded the folders; there hadn't been even one death all week. I saw in the newspaper an article suspecting that Seattle serial killer may have left the city.
Charlie was interested when he heard of the suspected bombing of an empty warehouse. He had gotten very worried when he heard it, believing I could have been killed in a bombing the same night I was mugged. He forbade me to go to Seattle for the next few months or until he was sure the city wasn't a crime centre of the country anymore.
That was fine with me. If I ended up having a graduation party I think I would keep it local, too many bad things had happened when I had gone to other cities lately. I couldn't wait until I was indestructible and didn't have to worry about these things.
I gasped when this thought crossed my thoughts. Would, or could I still become a vampire? If Edward didn't want me, would any of the Cullens? Would Carlisle still change me? I dropped the plates I had been washing; they clashed loudly in the sink, thankfully not breaking. Had I lost my entire future? My knees went weak, I leaned against the counter so as to not fall.
"You right there Bells?" Charlie asked.
I nodded, smiling and shaking my head at myself. "They were just slippery, there's no problem." Charlie believed my lie easily, and moved off to the couch to watch some sort of sporting program in the television.
There was a problem though, a massive one. I washed our largest knife, feeling it was not in my hands, but having had enough fun twisting in my heart it had decided to slice down my torso. I felt empty inside, like every small remaining part of me has been slowly, painfully removed.
I made some excuse to Charlie, not feeling my body as I moved to my bedroom. I felt dead, my future life slipping out of my fingers. How did I survive before I came to this world, knowing I would grow old, get diseases, could be killed at any second?
I had showered already at Jake's, so I went straight to my bedroom, barely seeing anything around me. So this is what book-Bella felt like when Edward was away – with no hope he would come back – like a zombie.
I opened the door, and almost dropped to the ground, I only just bit back my gasp. Edward was standing there, perfect and gorgeous as ever, more than handsome. I had two immediate reactions that I had to suppress, one of those was to attack him with my gift and make him jump out of the window, the other was to run and throw myself at him.
I did none of those things, instead standing as still as I could, not reacting further to the fact he was there. I all but ignored him. Unfortunately I could only keep this staying still, so I stood in the doorway, unmoving.
I blinked and Edward was gone, then I felt cold on my waist and found myself a metre forward, the door closed, and Edward resuming his previous position. "Bella," his voice was so smooth and deep, "we are going to talk."
I crossed my arms, tilting my head and raised an eyebrow. I didn't trust myself to say anything witty or sharp. I kept thinking this was how Jacob and Edward both used to feel, I hated it when they snapped at me. I would be calm while Edward spoke, show him I was just as good as that other Bella.
"Bella, I need to explain."
"So talk," my voice was blank. Somehow that made him cringe more than when I had yelled at him in my truck on Friday.
"I knew you'd jump to conclusions," he muttered, exasperated. "If only you hadn't gone to the reservation this weekend, I would have had time to explain, to show you."
I took a deep breath, sighing and forcing a small smile on my face. I walked passed him and sat on my bed, patting beside me. I wouldn't be angry – I promise myself not to be angry and overreact. If Jacob could be civil so could I.
"We have time now," I said softly.
He moved slowly to sit beside me, hesitantly. And he sat far from me, almost as far as he could on the bed. That hurt, I bit the side of my mouth to keep a tear from falling. I would not cry either.
"Bella," he began, "Isabella is a newborn. She is only days old, she needed to learn how to be a vampire. After you came back from Seattle, after I learned what you had really been doing, I was a little ... angry.
"I was already out hunting, so when Carlisle left I didn't notice. Then I realized he was gone and returned to the house. I was so confused and worried, I wanted to run to your house and check if you were back yet but I knew that you wanted me to hunt and it was probably good for me. My eyes had been pretty black."
His eyes were light gold now, swimming and beautiful, but I was focusing on his words, bracing myself for when he announced his new mate – Izzy. "I waited, waited until Carlisle came back. I heard his thoughts, I got angry. Esme is making me pay for the wall. I almost ran to find you, to shake you until you realized how stupid you had been. I didn't want to risk hurting you in my anger, so I stayed back at home, sick with worry. I knew you were alive, were fine, but I wanted to see it for myself, check for broken bones, sooth your bruises."
I hated how what he said was affecting me, it sounded like he still cared really strongly for me. I suppose at the time he was describing he did. I hoped he still cared a little about me, if just for old times' sake.
"Then Rosalie came home, and with her was a newborn." The remains of my heart felt like there was acid being poured over it, soon it would be nothing, a hole. "Her eyes were glowing red, I knew she was days old. I was still angry, still knew my body needed blood even if I could not feel it. I decided it would be better to cool off, find something to take my mind off you. I decided to teach her – it would give the other couples a time to talk to each other, explain what happened, and revel in their victory. I didn't want to hear their celebratory acts.
"Izzy is a fast learner, and amazingly controlled for a newborn. She said she never like blood in her human life – it would make her spew – and I think that's why she has such self-control. You saw her before; she stood beside you and didn't try to kill you even before you took away her thirst."
Yes, he was starting to compliment her. He was trying to explain why he was choosing her instead of me, showing how amazing she was. I gritted my teeth and made sure not to drop the small smile on my face, though now I was sure it was bordering on a grimace.
"I also cannot read her mind, ever since the first second I saw her I couldn't read her mind. I have no idea why, maybe I can only read certain people's minds. Like your brain and her brain run on different frequencies. Except I don't know about that, because I once heard your thoughts."
I remembered that, when Edward was running from me. That had been instinctual; somehow my gift had lifted something or moved something that had let him hear my thoughts. I hadn't considered it before, never went further into researching that part of my gift.
"She is very kind, smart, and funny. It was so unexpected for a newborn – Jasper was adamant that this was just a ruse; once we trusted her she would turn and attack the humans. I refuted that after a long talk with her. She is the most human newborn – human vampire – I've ever met that has no mate."
Has no mate, no mate, no mate, the words swirled in my head. He said has, not had, has as in presently. Hope somehow rose in me from some recess of myself I hadn't been aware existed. My inhale came a little like a gasp, but I made sure my exhale sounded normal.
"I liked her, and I wanted to protect her, make sure she could protect herself. She hadn't yet decided whether she wanted to stay with us or become a nomad – I actually hadn't asked her yet – when you came.
"I almost died when I saw those tears in your eyes, your face contorted in such pain. I thought the dog had died or something and that was why you were so sad. I wanted to run to you, to kiss away the pain, but Izzy was there and she had never been so close to a human before. She had stopped herself when she smelt a hiker and ran after them, but you were metres away from her. I had to stay by her side, in case she couldn't control herself.
"And she did control herself – and I was so proud of her, my student who I had taught well. I hadn't realized you had made assumptions until you said, 'I guess that's common for those that you love. Or used to love...'
"I was shocked, my mind had gone blank. How could you have believed I had stopped loving you?" His voice was almost outraged; the slight blankness in his eyes as he had recalled the past was gone, now he focused on me, grabbing my arms. "How could you think my love would ever change? I was still trying to think straight, to understand when you were already on the highway."
"I ran after you, and when I found you in your car... You were so angry, so sad, and I knew you felt betrayed. I wanted to explain it to you, explain what had happened like I am doing now, but you were so angry. You wouldn't see reason, and your anger started to fuel mine. You were jealous, and angry, and I realized how you must feel in the situation was exactly how I felt, every day you run off to the dog.
"I'm sorry I yelled at you, but what I said was true. You said you were going to agree to marry me, yet instead of talking with me you went to the reservation. It was like you had torn out my heart and intended on making a stew from it and feeding yourself and the werewolves with it.
"Izzy was there for me, I talked to her about our situation. She took your side," he grinned sadly, eyes falling to the ground. "She's been berating me all weekend. She forced me here tonight."
He looked back up to me, eyes burning, leaning closer and dropped his hands from my arms to seize my hands. "Bella, I don't love her like I love you. Yes, somehow she's wormed her way into my heart, but it's the same way Alice has forced me to love her. Izzy, well, she's like a sister to me. She's a good person, a good friend, but she is not my mate nor does she own my heart like you."
It was then I decided I wasn't going to control myself. I let the tears fall, let a sob burst from my lips. I squeezed his hands.
Edward immediately wrapped me in his arms, lifting me so he could cradle me on his lap. "Bella, what's wrong? Bella, please tell me."
I couldn't answer, I didn't trust my voice. Instead I turned my head and kissed him - that was all the answer I could muster. My tears were not of sadness, they were of intense relief and happiness. He still loved me, he hadn't moved on to the other Isabella. He still, inexplicably, loved me.
I moved my head back, trying to express all the love I had for him through my eyes. It didn't seem enough to me. I knew what I wanted to do, what he had said had made me remember. I pushed my thoughts out, shouted the images and feelings I had at him.
Edward's eyes widened in that fraction of a second I managed to let him hear. It was only a fraction; I couldn't maintain it any longer. It was enough, because Edward was looking at me with so much love in his eyes that I melted.
He attacked me that time, crushing his hard lips against mine. I kissed him back, trying to display my love for him in that kiss. His lips too turned gentler, moving slowly against mine. He moved his hands, to my head, running his fingers through my hair. One of my hands stroked the back of his neck, the other moved along his jaw. I revelled in the feeling of his silky smooth hair, his polished stone skin, his hard, cold, thick arms around me, his sculpted body curling to try and make my soft one more comfortable.
I didn't care if my leg was being squished between his knees. He didn't have to make me comfortable. My whole body was meant to be with his, it almost hummed, almost purred to be in his arms. I was not whole when I was not with him.
It crashed down on me then, a full blown crash. I pulled back from Edward, gasping.
I had always thought more of me belonged to Jacob than book-Bella. I always thought it was about 3:1 ratio of Edward's Bella to Jacob's. I realized now that was not the case. As much as I loved Jacob (which seemed to dwindle by the minute) I loved Edward exponentially more. I needed to be with him, or I would die.
Before I had thought I loved Jacob because I always knew that when I came home Edward would be waiting. When I thought I had lost Edward I had broken down. If a quarter of me was Jacob's then maybe I wouldn't have been such a mess, wouldn't have resulted in what I did.
Jacob's Bella wasn't me, she didn't exist. There was only the Bella in me who knew Jacob loved me, and wanted to make him feel better. She loved him, and it wasn't even like she would love a brother or a best friend, she did love him romantically, but even she wasn't owned by Jacob. I was Edward's, all Edward's. I just wanted to see Jacob happy as well.
"Bella, what is it?" Edward asked. He shifted me to the side so I could sit on the bed. It was only slightly more comfortable, but it wasn't what my body wanted – especially after my new revelation.
"I have to talk to Jacob, tell him there is no chance of us ever being together. I think his hopes were raised this weekend. I did make some assumptions and he would be stupid not to guess what had me like that."
"You're going back to the dog already?" Edward pouted.
I shook my head, grinning a little. "No, right now I think I have found something better to do."
We kissed slowly and gently until I was tired enough to sleep. I curled up onto his chest, and dreamed happy dreams for the first time in what felt like months.
888
School was... it wasn't amazing. The teachers watched me suspiciously. I mustn't have noticed how they had acted on Thursday of Friday; they were looking at me with annoyance and a slight amount of anger in their eyes. When anyone made a question about something we had supposed to have learned on Tuesday of Wednesday they rolled their eyes, sent a specific look my way, before answering.
Edward smirked at every encounter. I asked him what they were thinking, and he refused to tell me. He found my interest equally as funny and my pouting and slight tantrum at the fact he was keeping it from me made him bemused.
I didn't press him though. I felt really bad now, like our positions had switched. Ever since he had left me I always had something to hold against him (as bad as that was). Now he had something against me, or a whole army of somethings.
That was my deciding factor in telling Jacob. Edward had promised to let me see Jacob as much as I wanted after he left me – now I think that promise had been fulfilled. I couldn't hurt Edward anymore, and as much as I didn't want Jacob hurting I think the effort to find him an imprint wasn't happening, I was just letting him attach more stings to me that would hurt us both when they broke.
Edward thought it was silly of me to think he wouldn't allow visits to Jacob. Somehow, as much as he hated Jacob (I knew how that felt now) he wouldn't want him hurting because he knew it would hurt me. Jacob didn't really feel that, but that was probably because he was less mature and his understanding of mine and Edward's relationship wasn't as clear.
I felt amazingly guilty for Jacob – far guiltier than the Victoria and newborn situation. My headache that had resulted from the emotion was large and throbbing, I was tempted to turn off my own pain receptors but as no one was carrying me I thought the side effects may not be worth it (I may step on glass and not notice or something along the lines). Anyway, I deserved the pain, I knew how much Jacob probably felt and it sucked balls for him. Maybe I'd even let him fight me a couple of times again; a few bruises won't hurt me.
I really wish I could find him a great girl. He is one of the sweetest kindest guys I know, and pretty damn good-looking to boot. I would have to find a pretty chick for him, who is just as good on the inside as on the out.
I wonder if there is still a nice girl stirring somewhere inside Leah. I wonder if she would consider dating someone so many years her junior. Jake certainly didn't look his age.
But I knew Leah hated me, she despised me for reasons I didn't even know of. I hoped she would find someone too; her heart had been shattered by Sam and needed someone to make it whole again before it got even more infected.
So, still those things to do on my list – as well as get married, and somehow graduate... Yay (cue tired laugh)!
So Izzy isn't all bad, I still don't like her but that's me personally, I'm sure once I write more about her I'll like her more.
Review, I love your input, and I'll try to answer any questions (though most I may have to still keep secret to leave some suspense)
