Damn, I thought this would be the last part of The Two Towers I had to post, but there was so much action left I had to split it into two chapters. I am thwarted once again! But the Return of the King is just upon the horizon…
I also wanted to thank the reader who nominated this fic in the Golden Quill Awards recently. Unfortunately, since this story is not yet complete it did not qualify for the competition, but I really appreciate the gesture ^_^ It's the first time I've been nominated for a fanfic award and I was very flattered, especially since I am pretty clueless when it comes to award communities in this fandom!
XXX
As the battle continued to rage on outside Aragorn and Gimli were inexplicably able to sneak out of the side door unnoticed by all. Quietly they closed it behind them and peered around the wall towards the causeway below; it was swarming with Uruk-hai, still intent upon bashing down the door and forcing their religious pamphlets upon the Rohirrim inside.
Gimli studied the orcs for a moment and then turned back to the ranger excitedly.
"I have a cunning plan," he murmured, tapping his nose conspiratorially.
Aragorn rolled his eyes.
"This cunning plan wouldn't happen to involve dwarf tossing, would it?"
"Of course." The dwarf puffed out his chest. "I've been waiting for this scene since the Council of Elrond. This is my moment!"
Aragorn leant back against the wall and sighed heavily.
"Fine then," he muttered. "But promise me you will dispatch Legolas at some point and make it look like an accident…"
"Deal."
And the two shook on it. Then Aragorn grabbed the dwarf by the scruff of his neck and flung him towards the causeway below. With a sexy cry, the ranger leapt across after him. Soon the two were battling in back-to-back tandem, and making short work of the CGI Uruk-hai which continued to swarm up the causeway towards the gate.
On the other side, the Rohirrim were still busy attempting to shore up the gate as Théoden yelled pointless orders at them, mostly to the effect of 'hmm, you see that huge gaping hole over there? Maybe you wanna patch that up, huh?' A group of soldiers rolled their eyes and hurried forward at his words, carrying with them a huge plank of wood; Théoden directed them where to brace it against the gate, with seemingly no intention of actually bothering to do battle himself (much to Gamling's relief).
On the plain below the Uruk-hai were busy loading enormous hooks onto their war machines; with a shrill whistling they flew over the battlements of the fortress and latched themselves against the walls. The defenders rushed over to try and somehow dislodge them with their bare hands, even as the Uruk-hai hauled upon the ropes and lifted huge ladders loaded with orcs up into the air and towards the battlements. They promptly latched onto the walls with tight steel grips.
Legolas, who felt as though he wasn't getting enough screen time in this scene, noticed the ladders being hoisted up and pulled an arrow from his quiver. Quickly he aimed with his bow and severed one of the support ropes; the ladder attached to this enormous hook came unbalanced and toppled backwards into the swarm of Uruk-hai below. There was many a girlish squeal as dozens of orcs were crushed under its weight.
Legolas gave a smug smile.
"Who says that I am useless?"
Below, the soldiers trying to hold the gate were fighting a losing battle, and Théoden soon stuck his head out of the gaping hole in the shattered gate and gave Aragorn and Gimli a huge grin as they continued to battle the swarm of Uruk-hai upon the doorstep.
"Um yeah, patch job's all done now. You wanna get your asses back inside now, kthanx?"
Aragorn rolled his eyes as he ran his sword through another orc.
"Now you tell us…"
And the ranger was just about to slip back somehow unnoticed through the side door when, unsurprisingly, he was prevented from doing so by a particularly huge Uruk-hai which seized him and Gimli about the neck. Much to the fangirls' disappointment, however, Aragorn quickly slipped from the orcs' grip (Gimli did too, but they didn't care about that). From above Legolas suddenly appeared at the top of the battlements above the gate.
"Aragorn!" he yelled. "Here is some rope!" And the elf threw down a length of rope towards the dwarf and the ranger below. The only problem being that he did not bother to keep hold of the end of it. The entire coil of rope simply slumped down uselessly at their feet.
Aragorn looked up wearily towards the elf.
"Legolas, were you ever dropped upon the head as a child?"
The elf pouted.
"What is with the constant digs at my father? Where did everyone get this idea I was abused as a child? Is it the way I dress or something?"
Aragorn took up the rope, slipped the coil about his shoulder and proceeded to spin it round and round his head like a lasso.
"Legolas, it is called fanfic. It doesn't need to make sense, you know."
And just at that moment Boromir came strolling by with a surfboard under his arm. Gimli gave him a cheery wave as the ranger flung the rope back up towards Legolas upon the battlements. Soon the elf had secured it and was hauling the two up the wall with the assistance of an invisible Arwen.
All around, more and more hooks were launched towards the battlements of Helm's Deep. One soldier was hilariously impaled and thrown back against a wall as Aragorn and Gimli were slowly hauled up towards the battlements. With Herculean strength, Legolas finally grabbed Aragorn's hand and pulled his companions over the top of the battlements. Soon they clambered over the wall and found themselves safely on solid ground again. The elf did not celebrate, however, as he began to dance about, waving his hands frantically.
"Rope burn!" he cried, blowing desperately on his hands. "Sweet zombie Jesus, it hurts!"
Aragorn just folded his arms without sympathy.
"What did you think was going to happen, you twonk? You just hauled a fully-armoured man and Gimli up a wall."
And the ranger took up his blood-stained sword and hurried after the other defenders, who were pulling back to the Keep with all due cowardice (much to Gamling's delight). Below them the Uruk-hai finally burst through the gate, rendering Aragorn and Gimli's efforts completely useless. Legolas simply stood there, his hands still throbbing painfully. Gimli approached and placed a friendly hand upon the elf's shoulder.
"Thank you, Legolas," he said cheerily. "Put 'er there." And the dwarf slapped the elf an enthusiastic high five.
The resulting scream was heard in Valinor, where many of the elves looked up and exchanged worried glances, getting increasingly freaked out by all the screaming they kept hearing from the neighbours.
XXX
Elsewhere, Treebeard continued on with his eternal walk through the forest, carrying an increasingly suicidal Merry and Pippin with him. They had been utterly thwarted in their attempts to squeeze anything of worth out of the Ents in the last half hour of this movie, and were now both thinking hard about claiming compensation for the fertility problems which were sure to follow their time upon this animatronic.
"I will leave you at the western borders of the forest," Treebeard told the hobbits. "You can make your way north to your homeland from there."
"Lazy bugger," muttered Merry. "Why can't you take us the whole way? It's not like you have anything else to do…"
Beside him, Pippin suddenly realised something and cried out: "Wait! Stop! Stop!" Treebeard duly came to a halt. "Thanks so much," said Pippin, slipping down from the Ent's shoulder. "I really need to make a pit stop…"
Merry gave a sigh as his friend disappeared into the surrounding trees, and then removed the pencil from behind his ear and went back to his crossword. He chewed on the rubber end thoughtfully for a moment and then asked aloud: "Can you think of a nine-letter word, usually appearing at the climax of a joke or comedy scene?"
Treebeard tapped his chin with a few spindly fingers and thought for a bit.
"Punchline, is it?"
Merry nodded and jotted it down.
"That's the one…"
XXX
Again with the tiresome cutaways, as a protesting Sam, Frodo and Gollum were being marched unwillingly towards Osgiliath. Smoke rose in the distance from the ruined Gondorian city as they reached the crest of a grassy ridge.
"Why do we have to go to this stupid place anyways?" Sam was moaning. "My feet hurt, all this fresh air is making my wig move, and I don't know how much longer I can complain…"
Frodo turned and gave the hobbit a questioning look.
"Do you wear wigs?"
Up ahead Faramir rolled his eyes and then turned on his heel and marched back to go and give the hobbits a metaphorical kick up the ass (as well as a literal one). The other rangers paused in their tracks as there was a couple of thuds and a yelp.
"We're all being short-changed in this movie," Faramir said exasperatedly. "Me, especially, what with the whole evil persona and lack of any sexual release, so would you kindly please stop bitching and just hurry up? You've barely done anything of worth in this movie and all I keep hearing is bitch this and moan that…"
Frodo rubbed his backside with a frown.
"Dude, don't moan to me about a lack of sexual release! The most I get to do in this bloody trilogy is kiss Sam on the forehead! And then only in a very manly way. For Eru's sake, I'm going to sail away to the Grey Havens and remain a virgin forever!"
Despite himself, Faramir could not help but nod along in agreement.
"Tell me about it," he muttered. "You know whose fault all this is? That bloody Aragorn. He's got all these women throwing themselves at his feet, and there's none left for the rest of us! I mean, there's what? Maybe four females of note in this movie, and two of them are already taken. No wonder the men of this world are always waging constant war…"
And so the men, the hobbits and Gollum all continued on towards Osgiliath without another word, feeling very much in need of a cold shower.
XXX
In terms of screen time it wasn't long before Treebeard, Merry and Pippin had reached the southern edge of Fangorn Forest. To the hobbits, however, it felt like a lifetime.
Treebeard was rattling off another painfully boring tale when he stopped short and fell silent; the trees suddenly thinned out to reveal a devastated landscape scattered with the stumps of felled trees. They had reached the outer edge of Fangorn, and Isengard was visible just across the plain. The tower of Orthanc rose before them like a smoking chimney.
"Many of these trees were my friends," said Treebeard quietly. "Creatures I had known from nut and acorn…"
Pippin frowned sadly: "I'm sorry, Treebeard."
"I'm not," muttered Merry beside him, his arms folded.
Tears were starting in Treebeard's eyes as he spoke: "They had voices of their own…" Absently his gaze trailed towards Isengard. "Saruman!" Treebeard growled suddenly. "A wizard should know better!"
And the Ent threw back his head and let out a furious roar which echoed throughout the forest for miles around. Merry winced upon his shoulder and put a hand to his head in obvious pain.
"Dude, do you mind?" he protested. "You just yelled right in my bloody ear! Talk about rude…"
Treebeard just shook his leafy head, apparently oblivious to the hobbit's now-shattered ear drums: "There is no curse in Elvish, Entish or the tongues of men for this treachery," he growled. "At least not in a PG-13. My business is with Isengard tonight, with rock and stone!"
A series of unearthly howls came from the trees behind them. The hobbits turned to see a host of Ents suddenly emerging from the forest, marching determinedly towards them and pausing in line behind Treebeard. How they had gotten there in such a short space of time nobody bothered to explain.
Orchestral music began to swell around them as Treebeard fixed his murderous gaze upon Isengard: "Hoorarooom," he growled. "Come, my friends. The Ents are going to war. It is likely that we go to our doom… The last march of the Ents!"
Merry rolled his eyes.
"Well, it's to be hoped," he muttered. "At least it'll give us something interesting to do in this movie, eh Pippin?"
Beside him his fellow hobbit stared blankly ahead in horror.
"I think I've lost the will to live…"
And so the Ents, Treebeard at their head, marched across the devastated landscape towards Isengard along with two psychologically-scarred hobbits. There was much creaking of tree limbs and dramatic music as they went; Pippin glanced around and rubbed thoughtfully at his chin.
"Hmm, this whole setup seems somehow familiar …"
Merry nodded beside him.
"That's because Tolkien took it from the 'Scottish Play'."
Pippin thought about this for a moment, and then turned to his friend with a frown: "By the 'Scottish Play', I assume you mean Macbeth?"
Merry slapped himself in the forehead.
"I was avoiding mentioning the name of the 'Scottish Play' because to do so brings bad luck, you tit."
"What's that?" Pippin asked.
Merry rolled his eyes.
"Being but a mere hobbit, you will not know the great theatre tradition that one does never speak the name of the 'Scottish Play'."
"What, Macbeth?"
Merry put his face in his hands.
"Ugh, never mind. We're all doomed to be typecast as hobbits forever anyways."
XXX
Osgiliath was heavily under siege as Faramir and his rangers steered Gollum and the two hobbits amongst the ruins of the war-torn city. Soldiers stormed in all directions, brandishing spears and dodging missiles sent flying by orcs from across the river. All in all, it was probably the stupidest place in the world to take a hobbit brandishing the Ring of Power.
Somehow, Madril had beaten the company to Osgiliath without any decent explanation. He looked worried as Faramir and his rangers approached: "Orcs have taken the eastern shore," he told them. "Their numbers are too great. By nightfall we'll be overrun."
Faramir frowned.
"Bugger."
Next to him, Frodo looked to be in a very bad way. Sam turned and gave him an anxious look: "Mr. Frodo?"
The hobbit just continued to shake like a sissy.
"It's calling to him, Sam," he said melodramatically. "His Eye is almost on me."
Sam held his eyes and spoke calming words, but Frodo could not hear them; the noise of the world around him seemed to fade out for a moment. Undaunted, Sam clicked his fingers in front of the hobbit's face.
"Hello? Earth to Frodo?"
Faramir eyed the two hobbits with one eyebrow raised. Then he turned back to Madril and said: "Take them to my father. Tell him Faramir sends a mighty gift - a weapon that will change our fortunes in this war."
"A couple of midgets?" Madril asked in disbelief. "This is your secret weapon?" Faramir gave a nod, and the soldiers gathered around him exchanged anxious glances. Thoughts of desertion flashed through their minds. Nevertheless, they began to lead the hobbits away. Sam tried to brush away the firm hands upon his shoulders.
"Do you want to know what happened to Boromir?" he yelled back at Faramir. "You want to know why your brother died?" Faramir turned back to him in interest, but then Sam stopped short as he realised he had no bloody clue why or even how Boromir had died. He closed his mouth again, frowned and snatched a look at Frodo. "Well, I buggered that one up, didn't I?"
Faramir stood there with a dumb look upon his face, but there was no chance for him to give an answer; a rock was suddenly catapulted into a tower above them. They all looked up in shock as it crumbled, whilst Frodo's eyes rolled up into the back of his head as he became apparently possessed.
Sam gave him a queer look: "Mr. Frodo? Are you high or something?"
"They're here," Frodo said in a faraway voice. "They've come."
A fell shriek rent the air above them. Faramir and his men looked up towards the sky.
"Nazgûl!" Faramir cried. His soldiers all stared at him a moment, uncomprehending. The ranger rolled his eyes and cast about. "Um, Ringwraiths? Black Riders? Geez, try cracking a book sometime…"
As if to illustrate to the casual audience what on earth he was talking about, the scene suddenly shifted to the sky to show the Nazgûl upon his Fell Beast swooping down over the smoking city. Down below Faramir grabbed Frodo by his cloak and quickly thrust him into a more-or-less safe corner amongst the ruined buildings; Sam and Gollum followed behind.
"Do us a favour," said Faramir in a firm voice. "I know it's difficult for you but, please, stay here and try not to do anything stupid…"
XXX
Back at Helm's Deep, the battlements of the Hornburg were overrun with Uruk-hai, who started up the stairs towards the Keep as banners bearing the White Hand were hoisted up onto the many flag posts. Ignoring all of the food stockpiled outside, the Uruk-hai instead began ramming the doors of the Keep and demanding entrance and religious toleration.
Inside, the defenders were desperately trying to barricade the entrance with more random pieces of wood that they had just happened to find lying around in a fortress of war; Théoden was grinning from ear-to-ear as he contemplated the gruesome death he was certainly soon to endure, whilst beside him Gamling stood quaking in his boots. Aragorn and Legolas were busy helping the Rohirrim to barricade the doors. Théoden shook his head in resignation as he watched their efforts.
"The fortress is taken," he insisted. "It is over." He paused and gave a smile. "Isn't it wonderful?"
Aragorn marched over with a scowl upon his face.
"This is all your fault, you know!" the ranger cried. "If you hadn't bloody jinxed us all before this battle even started then we wouldn't be in this mess!"
"Yes, well." Théoden puffed out his chest. "I'm going to die in this story, anyways. Best not to drag it out."
Aragorn rolled his eyes.
"Whatever happened to your survival instincts?"
In the Glittering Caves somewhere below, the women and children looked around with stereotypical fear as the Uruk-hai continued to batter the doors down. Éowyn stood there with an awkward expression upon her face as Morwen cried hysterically and clung to her in terror. Apparently she had forgotten all about her children.
"Again with the lack of positive female role models in this movie…" Éowyn muttered to herself, patting Morwen upon the back with apathy.
Up above in the Keep Aragorn stood there, casting around desperately.
"Is there no other way for the women and children to get out of the caves?" he asked aloud. Nobody answered for a moment. "Is there no other way? A little help would be nice, kthanx."
A morose Gamling nodded and gestured absently down the hall.
"There is one passage," he said. "It leads into the mountains…" He took a cautious step backwards, with one hand upon his sword. "I could show you the way if you like?"
Aragorn shook his head as he turned and gave Théoden a queer look; the king was bouncing back and forth upon his heels with glee.
"That won't be necessary, Gamling," Aragorn said. "Just send word that-" The ranger trailed off into silence as he turned his gaze back again; Gamling was gone. Nothing but a thin silhouette of dust remained where the soldier had once stood, and the sound of pounding footsteps could be heard fading down the corridor. A weak yelp dissipated in the air.
Aragorn snatched a look with Gimli, who was hovering nearby.
"What was that you were saying about us all being royally screwed?"
The dwarf gave a small shrug. In the background of the scene the defenders were still struggling to hold the doors against the Uruk-hai and their battering ram. Loud booms echoed through the chamber.
"So much death," Théoden murmured emptily. "What can men do against such reckless hate? The darkness is falling around us; it beckons us on to our doom. Alas, the shadow! The shadow is approaching! I-"
"Oh, fuck off," Aragorn growled, nursing the beginnings of a migraine. "Enough with the bloody soliloquies already! We get your point."
Again, the doors of the Keep shook worryingly upon their hinges. They all fell silent as they considered their impending doom; Legolas whistled cheerily as he hoisted a table from the floor and hauled it over to help barricade the door.
Eventually, Aragorn turned to Théoden with a heavy sigh.
"Fine then," he conceded. "I guess we are just going to have to go with your emo strategy. Ride out with me. Ride out and meet them."
Théoden's eyes widened.
"Really? You're not just saying that?"
Aragorn gave another sigh.
"Yes, death and glory and all that. Let's go get slaughtered, m'kay?" He gestured towards the doors. "We can send Legolas ahead as a scout party…"
The elf heard his name and beamed over at them.
"I'm being useful!" he enthused.
A beeping suddenly echoed in the chamber; Gimli looked down at his watch, and then quietly nodded towards the window: "The sun is rising."
Aragorn turned in the direction the dwarf indicated; conveniently enough, a shaft of sunlight was beginning to stream through the window at that moment to illustrate his point. He recalled an earlier conversation relevant to this moment: "'Look to my coming at first light on the fifth day. At dawn, look to the East…' 'On the fifth day of what? Lent?'"
"Oh yeah," Aragorn muttered to himself. "I forgot about Gandalf…"
Gimli frowned.
"Gandalf? Which one is he again?"
Beside them Théoden broke into a smile.
"Fuck yes!" he cried, pacing excitedly. "Yes! The horn of Helm Hammerhand shall sound in the deep one last time!"
Gimli frowned in the background and hooked his thumbs in his belt.
"Does this mean that I have to go run up a bunch of steps?"
Théoden nodded.
"Afraid so." He thought for a moment. "Come to think of it, we do have a stairlift…"
And so Gimli rushed off to the spiral staircase which wound up towards the summit of the fortress tower; sure enough, there at its base sat a working stairlift. He promptly settled himself in it and pushed down upon the button. The seat slowly creaked into life and started up the stairs with a mechanical whirring.
Théoden reached out and put a hand upon Aragorn's shoulder. In the background the stairlift juddered to a smoking halt, and Gimli wrestled for a moment with the controls in frustration. Eventually he gave up and took the stairs.
"Let this be the hour when we draw swords together," said Théoden with gusto. "Screw Éomer."
Aragorn smiled in determination. The next moment it was assumed that they had mounted their horses. Théoden donned his ridiculous helmet as the door of the Keep continued to shake upon its hinges before them.
"Fell deeds awake," Théoden cried. "Now for wrath! Now for ruin! And a red dawn!"
Aragorn drew his sword with a steely look in his eyes. One of the soldiers on the ground, however, shook his head and gazed up imploringly at his king.
"But sire, this is madness!"
Théoden drew his own sword. A malicious smile spread across his face.
"Madness?" he murmured. "THIS. IS. SPARTA!" Everyone in the chamber stared at him with blank faces, whilst the soldier quietly wiped the king's saliva from his face. Théoden gave a shrug. "Or, you know, Forth Eorlingas, whatever."
And so as the horn of Helm Hammerhand rumbled pathetically through the fortress Théoden led a courageous charge out of the Keep and through the shattered gate, cleaving a path through the army of Uruk-hai along the causeway which had swarmed out to meet the king and his riders. Amidst all of this impressive hacking and slashing Aragorn was forced to rub his eyes a couple of times, for he swore that he kept seeing a mysterious white horse and glimpses of a dark-haired woman fighting amidst all of the Rohirrim.
Just as the riders were really beginning to get into the business of slaughtering their enemies, Aragorn looked up and saw a white rider at the head of the ravine, backlit by the rays of the rising sun. The horse upon which he sat reared majestically and gave a whinny. It was Gandalf (the rider, not the horse).
Aragorn frowned.
"Show off," he muttered.
Shadowfax settled to the ground once again as Gandalf surveyed the battle raging in the ravine below. Many of the Uruk-hai noticed that the attention of the defenders was elsewhere and turned their heads towards the commotion.
"Théoden king stands alone," said Gandalf.
Éomer came riding up and paused behind him.
"It's King Théoden, you dolt." He rolled his eyes and then unsheathed his sword. "Rohirrim!" he yelled.
A great host of men suddenly came rushing up behind him. They halted at the head of the ravine behind Gandalf and Éomer.
The wizard winced and put a hand to his head.
"Do you mind?" he moaned. "You just yelled that right in my ear…"
Below, the battle had all but ceased as the Uruk-hai stood transfixed at the sight of the riders at the head of the ravine. Théoden smiled as he recognized his nephew.
Éomer raised his sword in the air and cried: "To the king!"
And so the two riders checked their horses and led the huge host of Rohirrim in a majestic charge down the slopes of the ravine towards Helm's Deep. Many of the Uruk-hai turned and rushed to meet the riders as they rode down the ridiculously vertical slope, and brandished their hooked spears to skewer them as they came.
It was not to be, however, for the sun conveniently broke over the edge of the rise at that moment, and the Uruk-hai, who had forgotten to don their sunglasses that day, were blinded and raised their spears in dismay. With many a stupid battle cry Gandalf, Éomer and the Rohirrim tumbled head over heels upon their horses and crashed straight into the battalion of Uruk-hai with less grace than Samwise Gamgee at a buffet. Aragorn rolled his eyes as they brushed themselves off and proceeded to do choreographed battle.
