"Uh, yeah, there are cameras all over the island," Chris said, unimpressed. "So what, you just watched to see what he'd do?"

"Yes," the figure said. "And soon...very soon..."

"Yeah, whatever," Chris said. "All I care about is that next season is going to be the best season ever, thanks to your generous...offer, shall we say."

"Oh, it was my pleasure," the figure said. "After all, you've offered me so much in return."

"So you're sure nobody will stop us?" Chris asked.

"Who could?" the figure replied.


Enter...
RUBY GLOOM

Six players left. Just six players left. And I'm one of them.

I can't believe it. After all this time, where I've been telling everybody that I just wanna go home, I'm still on the island. What does it take to get out of this place?

The hardest part isn't being here, really. It's that nobody else wants to be here either. I mean, sure, they don't want to go home, well okay, I'm not phrasing this right, they don't want to go home without the money. But nobody actually likes the other people here. I'm pretty sure that everybody only voted for Steve and Andy to get immunity because they didn't hate them and didn't think of them as threats. Which sucks! People are more than just obstacles! They're human beings, with emotions and ideas and wants and needs and everything that makes them people! But nobody here wants to see the others as people, they just see them as problems that keep getting in their way, and that's why I just want to leave.

It's not working out the way I want, though. Everybody seems to be determined not to vote me off. I'm sure that if I asked him, Steve would say he voted for me, but I know he didn't. I know that he must have been lying to me this whole time, saying that he'll vote for me, and then voting for somebody else. I just can't figure out why. That's what's most frustrating. I know that it would be best for everybody if I just got to leave the island, but they won't let me go! It's horrible!

It's almost as horrible as how everybody's acting today. Everybody's sitting apart from each other. The only people who seem to be anywhere near each other are Steve and Andy, and they aren't talking either. Breakfast is just happening in complete silence, because apparently nobody has any friends, and while I know that I should find this sad I'm starting to become numb to it because it just seems so normal for this place, which is probably the saddest thing of all!

The doors flew open, and Chris stepped in with a huge grin on his face. It's never a good sign when he does that.

"Well good morning, campers!" Chris said smoothly. "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is, you're going to have another ex-contestant host today!"

"So what's the good news?" Steve asked through a mouthful of food.

"The good news is, he really didn't want to come back!" Chris said cheerfully. "And when I say he really didn't want to come back, I mean there was whining, kicking, screaming, biting, pleading, everything! We had to sedate the guy to get him out here! So of course, he didn't have time to come up with a challenge, and that meant I had to step in to take care of it."

"So the good news is that we have to do one of your challenges?" Wendy asked doubtfully.

Chris rubbed his hands together wickedly. "Oh, yes. One of my challenges. Chef, bring him in!"

Chef wheeled in a hand cart. Strapped to it was a large, muscular man wearing a blindfold.

"Chris?" the man said nervously. "C'mon, man, this ain't right! This ain't cool! Dude, let me outta here! Please? Chef, c'mon, you can't still be bitter about that Action thing, right? Guys?"

Chef stopped in the middle of the cafeteria and whipped the man's blindfold off. The man opened his eyes and began screaming.

"CHEF!" Chris yelled after a few seconds. Chef shoved the blindfold into the man's mouth, gagging him.

"That's better," Chris said. "So, I spent a lot of time thinking about what to do today. I mean, sure, I could have done something that played off of DJ's scaredy-cat persona. But that seemed like low-hanging fruit. And I suppose I could have done something with his muscles, but he never really used them for much on this show. So instead, I decided to go with something I knew would bring in the ratings and the injuries: animals!"

The new guy, who I could only assume was named DJ, began fighting his bonds more violently and trying to protest through the gag in his mouth, but none of us could understand him, and Chris just watched him struggle and laughed.

"That's right," Chris said. "Everybody is going to have to find an animal, make it their beloved pet, and teach it a few tricks. Then you guys have to bring it over to the stage and show it off to us. Me, Chef, and DJ will be the judges. Chef?"

Chef held out a box with a hole in the top.

"Inside this box are several cards, each with an animal on it," Chris continued. "You will each come up and select one. There is no trading! Whatever animal you get, that's the one you have to capture and train! So, Andy...you're up first!"

Andy walked up to the box, put his hand in, and pulled out a piece of paper with a picture of a rabbit on it.

"A rabbit? Seriously?" he asked. "This should be easy."

"Oh, it should be," Chris agreed. "But let's see if Steve thinks his animal is so easy!"

Steve walked up and pulled out another piece of paper. His eyes widened.

"I have to trap a raccoon?" he asked.

"That's right!" Chris said. "I just hope that the next animal is something tough."

"Tough?" Steve said, shocked. "I could get rabies! Or at least get really scratched up!"

"Yeah, but that's not really going to bring in the ratings," Chris said. "You know what will? Fighting a shark. So, Wendy, what are you gonna pull out?"

Wendy walked up and pulled out a picture of a beaver.

"Yes!" Wendy said excitedly. "I get to work with a fellow lumberjack!"

"What, you're not worried?" Chris asked, shocked. "You know, with the fact that you'll probably have to fight it all the way?"

Wendy shrugged. "My dad already made me fight some lumberjacks as part of apocalypse training. How hard can a beaver be?"

"Hopefully pretty hard," Chris said. "Anyway, Aunt Grandma!"

Aunt Grandma reached into the box. When she saw what she had gotten, her eyes widened.

"A bear?" she asked incredulously. "I'm supposed to train a bear in less than an afternoon?"

"Yep!" Chris said happily. "Good luck with that. Ruby!"

I walked up and pulled out a piece of paper with a picture of a deer on it.

"Oh come on!" Chris complained. "Is nobody gonna draw the shark? We put it in there three times!"

"So I'm supposed to make a deer friend?" I asked.

Chris groaned. "Yes. That's exactly how this works. Now Boris, get up here and pull a shark."

Boris walked up to the box nervously. He put his hand in and pulled out a piece of paper. When he saw what was on it, his nervous frown turned into a huge grin.

"Oh come on!" Chris said. "A snake? Really? Ugh, fine. Any questions?"

DJ mumbled something behind his gag.

"No, you can't go home," Chris said. "This is your challenge. Get over it. Anybody else have any questions?"

Steve raised his hand.

"Good!" Chris said. "In that case–"

"Is there anything we can get to help us with the animals?" Steve interrupted.

Chris frowned. "Did you just interrupt me?"

Steve shrugged. "Would you have answered my question if I didn't?"

Chris thought about it for a second and then smiled. "Fine. Here's your answer: no. You don't get to use anything to help you except for your wits, brains, muscles...y'know, all the things you lack. Chef? We roll!"

Chris walked out the doors, followed by DJ, who was wheeled along by Chef.

Aunt Grandma cracked her knuckles and her neck. "Well, I believe it's time for me to bag a bear."

"Yesssss..." Boris hissed. "A snake will find itself in my grasp very, very soon."

"Anybody seen any carrots?" Andy asked.


So there I was, faced with a conundrum. On the one hand, making friends with a deer would be great, especially since I really miss Doom. But on the other hand, I want to go home, and I might end up winning immunity from tonight's vote if I actually participate.

Who am I kidding? I was going to do it anyway. Having a deer friend is too nice an opportunity to pass up. The only question is where I'll find one.

I headed out into the woods to look for a deer. It took me a while, but eventually I happened upon one that didn't run off as soon as it saw me. I knew that this was my chance, so I slowly eased my way toward it. When it didn't take off, I gently petted it, and when it leaned into me I laughed and plucked some berries from a nearby branch. The deer ate the berries out of my hand, and I picked some more berries and held them out behind me as I walked away. The deer followed, and I kept feeding it berries as we walked back to camp. I had gotten most of the way back to camp when I spotted Steve, looking tired and frantic as he stared up into a tree.

"Hey, Steve, what's wrong?" I asked.

"Raccoon," he panted. "Up–a tree–scratching and running." He looked at me, and his face brightened. "But hey, I see you got your deer!"

I rubbed my arm nervously. "Yeah...say...you want some help?"

"That would be–are you sure?" he asked. "Because you probably have a lot on your mind with the training."

I shrugged. "It's not a big deal. Besides, what are friends for?"

Besides lying to your face, like Steve does. Wait, where did that thought come from?

I shook my head to shake off the thoughts about Steve lying to me and started to climb the tree. After a bit, I reached the middle of the tree, and I saw the raccoon sitting on a branch.

"C'mon," I coaxed it. "Help Steve out. He's friendly. You want a friend, don't you?"

The raccoon looked at me and chittered. I eased out onto the branch.

"C'mon, be my friend," I said sweetly. "And Steve's friend. Okay?"

The raccoon took a step towards me. I crawled further out towards it.

"That's it," I said kindly. "I'm sure–"

The raccoon leapt forward and dug its' claws into my face. I screamed as it scratched at me and lost my balance. We tumbled to the ground, the raccoon still scratching me as we fell.


"I keep telling you, she's fine! Don't you trust me as a doctor?"

I slowly blinked into consciousness. Everything hurt.

"Not really," Steve said. "I mean, I took some classes in medicine, just in case, so–"

"Buzz off, smart boy!" Chef said angrily. "I still have to give her a few more shots and some anesthetics, and I have to do it before she wakes...oh."

Chef noticed I was awake as he leaned over me.

"Uh, yeah," he said awkwardly. "Do you remember what happened?"

"I fell out of a tree?" I guessed.

"Yeah," Chef said. "And now we've gotta get you patched up. So just hold still..."

Chef shoved a needle into a vein in my arm. Seconds later he pulled it out.

"There," he said. "That's a local anesthetic. You shouldn't feel anything."

Chef turned away to pick up another needle. That's when the lights dimmed and went out.


ruby hey wake up

hey ruby hey wake up

i opened my eyes and saw flickering candles around my bed even though it wasn't dark outside

what's going on i asked

wake up ruby it's midafternoon

i got up and everything hurt

i pulled on my clothes and walked out of my room and into a gigantic foyer that looked like the one in my house only larger and with much different architecture

southern colonial instead of gothic

there were a bunch of people there dancing to music that hung over the hall casting shadows as it played

the people were all ghosts

and i found myself walking a tightrope while trapezes swung by below me through circles of flame

hey ruby she called

i saw her with her long black hair flowing out behind her and her one eye glistening with joy as she looked up at me

hey iris i called back how does the trapeze feel

fantastic she yelled up to me woohoo

and thats when i couldnt remember my name

hey ruby i figured out who my ancestors must have been

and i looked down and remembered skullboy and felt sorrow but not for long as an elephant stampede headed for us

so i grabbed skullboy and we ran until a trunk curled around us and the elephant lifted us onto its back and carried us

all the way to mr mummbles house

where the rides were running

and i looked up at the tiltawhirl

and everyone on it were ghosts

and they smiled and invited us aboard

you go ahead ill lock up everything mr mummbles told us

so we went aboard and the tiltawhirl spun into the blue lights and i looked over at skullboy and he looked back at me and we both looked away

everyone can see it you know mr buns said

what

everyone can see it youre not fooling anybody

i dont know what youre talking about

whatever you tell yourself to get to sleep

i threw my hand in the air and watched the dust circle around it and when i looked around again skele-t was sitting next to me

he raised his glass to me and took a swig and then threw it on the floor

i'll have another

so i got up and left and walked out into the desert where i lay down and stared up at the stars

the stars looked a lot like the roof of a tent


"You okay?" the mint ice cream cone asked me.

I smiled at it happily. "Never better!"

"Well, we're finished giving you your shots," it said. "How about you get up and walk around."

I hopped out of bed and walked over to the deer standing at the corner of the tent. It looked up at me with rainbows in its' eyes.

"See? I feel great," I told the ice cream cone.

"And no side effects?" it asked. "One of the warnings that comes with the anesthetic is that it can cause vivid hallucinations."

"Nope!" I said. "Everything is perfect!" I leaned down to whisper to the deer. "Isn't it?"

"Yes, it is," the deer said in a surprisingly deep voice. "Come with me, child of stardust, and we will walk the orchids ecstatic."

"Okay, I guess you're good to go," the ice cream cone said. "Good thing, too. The contest starts in fifteen minutes. Which reminds me, I gotta get going."

"Fifteen minutes?" I cried. "I'll never be able to train you in time!"

The deer laughed. "Of course not. I don't need to be trained."

"So you're ready then?" I asked hopefully.

"Of course," the deer said. "Take me to the stage, and we will amaze and astound everyone there."

"Okay!" I said happily. I waved to the ice cream cone. "Bye mint ice cream!"

"Yeah, yeah," it said, not really paying attention. "Wait. What?"


We showed up just in time.

"Good, you're here," a scarecrow said to me. "We were afraid you wouldn't show up."

"C'mon, Chris," the giant stuffed rabbit sitting next to it said. "Let me go, man! I won't tell anybody."

The scarecrow looked at the rabbit sternly. "Dude. It's your episode. Get used to it."

The ice cream cone rode up on a giant fox. "Sorry I'm late. Everybody ready?"

"Yeah, everyone's here," the scarecrow said. He whistled, and everyone snapped to attention. "Okay! Everybody's here, so let's start the show! First up is Steve!"

A ball of darkness dripping slime behind it climbed onto the stage and floated there awkwardly.

"Well where is it?" the scarecrow snapped. "We don't have all day, dude!"

"I didn't manage to get my pet," the ball of darkness admitted. It dripped slime more fervently. "So I didn't bring one."

"Zeroes across the board!" the scarecrow announced. "Next up is Andy!"

It's weird that the creepy ball had the same name as Steve. I mean, they're nothing alike. One of them is a nice guy who refuses to vote for me, and the other gives off evil vibes and wants to destroy everyone. I guess it just shows that names mean nothing. After all, there's probably somebody out there named Ruby who's an absolutely horrible person, although I hope that isn't the case, even though this show does its best to prove that people are horrible.

"Yeah," Andy said. He looked a little blurry. "I didn't get my pet either. Did you know rabbits are fast?"

The scarecrow groaned. "Fine. Did anybody get their animal?"

A bag of ice hopped onto the stage. "We have a demonstration about something both lumberjacks and beavers do: bring down trees."

"Oh, kill me now!" the scarecrow groaned.

"Chris!" the stuffed rabbit complained. It smiled at the bag of ice. "Go on."

"Well, we decided to demonstrate with these two logs," the bag said. It set the logs on the stage. "Here goes!"

A small robot danced onto the stage and ate one of the logs while the bag of ice swung a flaming sword at the other log, chopping it into pieces. When both were done, they bowed to us.

"That...was totally boring," the scarecrow said. "But at least it was something. I give it a two. Chef?"

"Three," the ice cream cone said. "It was pretty boring."

"Well I liked it," the stuffed rabbit said. "It was something both of them could enjoy, especially the beaver. I give it an eight."

The scarecrow rolled its' eyes. "Fine. Ruby?"

That's me, I think. I walked onto the stage with the deer by my side.

"So what're you gonna do?" the stuffed rabbit asked kindly.

"I don't know," I admitted. "The deer–"

"Gregory," the deer corrected.

"Gregory," I said. "Well, he said that I should just let him worry about it."

The three sitting at the table–the scarecrow, the stuffed rabbit, and the ice cream cone–all looked at me with disturbed expressions.

"I think I gave her too much medicine," the ice cream cone said.

Gregory cleared his throat. "Friends, gentlemen, ladies, assorted creatures of all shapes and sizes, allow me to welcome you to the world of magic and mischief!" His eyeball fell out, so he picked it up, licked it, and popped it back in. "Ignore that if you would. Now, allow me to demonstrate the power of magic by...turning Andy into a giant rat!"

Andy turned into a giant rat.

"Shit," Andy remarked.

"And that's not all!" Gregory said. "Now watch, as the rat dances to the sounds of a lullaby with a disco beat!"

A lullaby with a disco beat began to play, and Andy the rat began to dance.

"I'm not enjoying this!" Andy said loudly. "Dancing is forbidden!"

"Correct you are, it's mystery time!" Gregory announced. "Now marvel at the mystery that is me, growing dragon wings and flying off into the distance!"

Dragon wings unfurled from Gregory's back, and he flew away.

"Well..." the scarecrow said. "Since your pet did nothing and then left, I'm giving you four points, mostly because the weird story you narrated was kind of entertaining. In a dumb way."

"Dumb?" the stuffed rabbit said incredulously. "It made no sense! The deer was obviously completely confused! Three points."

"Uh, that's my fault," the ice cream cone said. "I think I may have given her too much medicine, and she's hallucinating...five points."

"Fine, whatever," the scarecrow said. "Aunt Grandma! Do you have a bear?"

A large red rectangle with burning green eyes dragged a small yellow triangle with scared blue eyes onto the stage. The red rectangle leaned over the triangle, and the triangle ran away as the rectangle gave chase. The chase went on for several minutes until the triangle fell over onto the ground. It eased along its' back, looking up at the rectangle with scared eyes. The eyes of the rectangle grew more fierce and hungry until the rectangle fell on top of the triangle, hiding it from view.

"Finally, some good TV!" the scarecrow said. "That was a bit mean, but I'm pretty sure we can get away with it. I give it a nine."

"No way, man!" the stuffed rabbit said. "She hurt that poor, defenseless animal!"

"It was a bear!" the red rectangle complained. "What was I supposed to do?"

"Not this!" the stuffed rabbit said. "I didn't want to be here in the first place, and now you're hurting animals? No way, man! No way! Zero!"

The ice cream cone rolled its' eyes. "Whatever. I'll give it a seven."

"And with...hold on...sixteen points, Aunt Grandma is now in the lead!" the scarecrow said happily. "And we're down to our last contestant. Boris, get up here!"

Two snakes slithered onto the stage. One of them was large and black, with glowing red eyes and anger in its' stare. The other one was small, green, and friendly. They came apart and then intertwined and hissed angrily at all of us.

"SNAKE!" the stuffed rabbit screamed. It tore itself loose from the hand cart it was strapped to and hopped off into the distance, screaming all the way.

"Well, that's a zero from DJ and ten from me. Hey, any time you get somebody to run away from your performance in terror, you must've done something right," the scarecrow said. "Chef, your verdict?"

"Dude, putting a snake card in the box? Not cool," the ice cream cone said to the scarecrow. "Three points."

"Whatever," the scarecrow said. "Aunt Grandma wins! I'll see you all tonight at the elimination ceremony. Good luck!"