Ano Hito no Jijō (That Person's Circumstances)
by
Saddletank
Chapter Twenty Nine – Seven Go Mad In Shibuya
Before I went to bed I checked the answer-phone. I had seen its single red eye winking at me earlier. This was odd. Because no-one phones me. Unless it's my sis checking to see how I am (and she phones in the evening when she knows I'll be in) or the mother of the swimming club captain needing messenger jobs doing when he's ill. Someone had left a message. Curiouser and curiouser. It had come in the middle of the afternoon. I played it.
"Oh, hi, Sakana, it's Maho. Um... boy I hate these things. I feel like an idiot. Oh, well, Miyazawa phoned me just now. She wants to meet up with some of her friends at Shibuya tomorrow afternoon. And well… I hardly know her at all. So, I was thinking, would you like to come too? At least you and I will have someone we each know. Or something. And Miyazawa is cool with that too. We talked about it. Well, I'll meet you at Musashi-Kosugi station, the Tokyu-Touyoko Line exit. At eleven. Uh, if you can't make it here's my mobile number…"
I had frozen, hair brush in hand.
That voice.
Her voice.
It was dark and soft and creamy like melted chocolate.
I played the message again.
Then a third time.
It was wonderful to hear her. And she had doubt and uncertainty and embarrassment in her voice. I tried to imagine what her face would be like with those emotions moving across it and I couldn't.
I wrote her number down.
I didn't even have a mobile phone.
I mean you need friends first don't you? That would be the way to do it, then get a mobile so you could call them.
Maybe tomorrow I'd buy one.
How had she got my number?
Miyazawa had it, maybe she'd got it from her?
I saved the message to the phone's memory.
Like a sacred thing I would keep it for ever.
I would sit and replay it and cuddle it like a precious possession.
- - - oOo - - -
She had thought of me to call!
Me! Boring, quiet, shy, and-hopefully-soon-to-be-no-longer-spotty Ryusaki!
At least you and I will have someone we each know.
Those words were like a beautiful healing medicine to me.
The beautiful warm life-giving spotlight of her attention had swung around and focused on me.
And like a ship in a storm seeing the beam of a lighthouse, I was saved.
Musashi-Kosugi was my nearest station. Did she know where I lived as well?
She had thought of me!
She had called me.
Maho had me on her mind…
Me! Me, me, me!
I lay in bed and thought about that call, that voice, that person thinking of me.
I had a wonderful night's sleep. The best in years.
Even his voice kept silent and didn't disturb me.
- - - oOo - - -
I didn't walk to the station next morning.
I floated gently, inches above the ground.
I was going to see Maho.
I would see her, wearing something other than school uniform!
What sort of clothes would she wear?
I had had a small tingle of nervous excitement inside me waiting for Asaba. But that was nothing compared to this feeling. This feeling fed me and quenched my thirst. It washed me and changed my clothes and brushed my hair and tucked me up in bed at night. This feeling was everything I could possibly need. I could live on this feeling.
If Maho went around thinking about me… well, the world was just a beautiful place wasn't it?
I got to the station and floated along the platform. I was a few minutes early.
And there she was. I stopped a few yards away and just looked. She was wearing a purple sleeveless shirt and cream trousers and white sandals.
And she looked…
…beautiful.
I hadn't seen her for almost two days.
I'd not forgotten how she looked but seeing her again reminded me of all the lovely little details, all the shapes like the hollow under her jaw near her ear. The curve where her nose comes down to join the piece of skin above her upper lip. The very tops of her ears where they are not a proper curve but ever so slightly pointed. The beauty spot which was closer to her lower eyelid than I remembered. The slight red patches on her elbows where she rested them on her desk too much.
I'm sorry Asaba, you're fun to be with and some things you do to me are really nice but I'm just using you. I like you. But. I don't love you.
This is the person I love.
I know it is.
No-one else makes me feel like this.
No-one else makes me turn their answer-phone messages into shrines.
No-one else, when they tell me they have been thinking about me can fill me with sheer joy.
No-one else, just by sitting on a station platform bench, not knowing I'm nearby looking, can make me stop, rooted to the spot and send my heart palpitating like this, up in my throat with raw, eager, beautiful, soaring nerves.
No-one else, just by being close, can make my armpits damp.
I walk up to her. She detects movement and turns her head.
She looks at me.
I don't know how she can see me.
Because I'm not there.
I'm off in heaven.
"Glad you could make it."
"Hi. Thanks for phoning. It was good of you to think of me."
"No problem. I'm kind of nervous myself. I hardly know Miyazawa and I don't know any of her friends."
"Me neither."
A moment of silence.
I sat next to her.
The moment became an awkward minute.
And then an uncomfortable few minutes.
"Ah, do you change trains here or do you live nearby?" I ask her, not being able to dig up anything meaningful to say.
"Oh I live just up the way here. I walk to school."
"You do? Oh, we're neighbours almost. I live a little further down towards Kawasaki."
"How long does it take you to walk to school?" she asks me.
"On a good day, about forty minutes."
"That's quite a walk. It takes me about twenty five but I vary the route. I like to go past various parks and gardens and see the flowers."
"Do you? Do you know the Kitazaki Park? They have some great flower displays there."
"Yeah, I know it, it's only fifteen minutes from my house."
"Wow, I never knew we lived so close."
"You've got a long walk though. Why don't you get the bus?"
"Uh," I try to hide my embarrassment, "Well, actually my family doesn't have much money, so I can't afford to get the bus all the time."
"Oh, well, at least you can get fit walking all that way."
"Hm. I run sometimes just for the exercise. And shower at the pool when I get to school."
"Hey, this should be her train."
She stood up and I stayed seated just for the pleasure of watching her move, watching how her clothes hung on her.
There was a scrap of dark fluff on the back of her thigh, on her cream trousers. I wanted to reach out and brush it off, but I daren't.
Trapped in a nervous sea of indecision and awkwardness.
Touching her would give away my secret desires. She'd know.
"Hey, Maho!"
"Domo," the girl I loved called out.
I turned.
"Hey, Sakana, hello. You made it! That's great!"
I stood up.
"Yes, Maho phoned me yesterday and invited me along. Is that alright?"
"Of course. She said you might come. Wow, this'll be a huge party," she beamed at us both.
She was a funny girl. I always thought of her in school being either very helpful and nice or being in fights and running around like a nutcase. But here she was behaving like a child, full of energy and zeal. It was strange. She dressed like a child too in a red vest top dress with a high waistline under her bust. A dress a ten year old might wear.
"Maho, you've got some fluff on your leg. Here."
"What? Oh, thanks."
Miyazawa stepped past me and gently brushed her hand two or three times over the back of Maho's leg.
See, Ryusaki? How easy it was? You can touch her without her thinking you're a pervert.
Yes, but she knows I'm a pervert. She knows I've got a crush on her.
Hey, she phoned you. She invited you. She can't be that bothered about it can she?
Yeah, fair point. That's a very fair point.
Silly, you could have done it for her.
And touched her leg…
- - - oOo - - -
We caught the Tokyu-Toyoko train to Shibuya. All the way Miyazawa jabbered on and on about anything at all. She was a powerhouse of junk conversation. She was the verbal equivalent of a dozen loan offers landing in my mailbox every day.
I would have liked more time to talk with Maho but if my conversation was limited to how expensive busses were, and train stations and how long it took to walk to school maybe it was best if I kept quiet.
I was hardly going to impress her with my opinions on public transport.
At Shibuya Crossing we met three girls. I didn't know them, but over time I'd get to know them all quite well, to varying degrees and in varying ways, and with varying effects on my life.
"Hey, there she is. Hey Yukinon!"
"Hey! Did you wait long?"
"Nope – we just got here," the tallest of the three was doing the talking. I'd find out she was their group's natural leader, just as Miyazawa had gravitated to be ours.
"Oh, that's good. I'd promised to meet up with these guys before coming here. Remember I told you there were two girls I wanted to invite along? This is Ryusaki Sakana, I got to know her just after the mid-terms. And this is Izawa Maho. They're both in my class."
"Ohayo," I said, a little nervously.
Hm, strangers. Shyness time. Cue Ryusaki to go all stupid and quiet and mousey.
"Domo," Maho said in her deep cool voice.
How come she can sound twenty and sophisticated while I sound like a twelve year old klutz?
The tallest girl who had short boyish hair like mine, came forward with an angry scowl on her face.
An arm came out, a finger pointed.
"I know you! You're the one who got all the girls to give Yukinon the silent treatment! What are you doing here? Get lost!"
She rounded aggressively on Maho. She actually raised her fists. I shrunk back, thinking she would hit her. Maho drew back too although she managed to keep her composure.
"Hey, calm down!" Miyazawa broke in before it came to bloodshed, "Its okay. That's all over now."
"Well… I'm not convinced. Can we trust her?"
"Why am I here?" Maho muttered, looking glum and resigned to this being a really crap day.
"Maho, hey, it'll be okay," I actually reached out to her but my fingers stopped an inch or two from her forearm. Not daring to make contact. But she looked at me and seemed to relax.
"This is normal?" Maho asked Miyazawa.
"But it's a good chance," Miyazawa went on, encouraging her, "We need to make friends. It'll be good for us. And you Sakana. If we all start from square one, it'll be better if we have company."
"Damn. Fine," Maho looked pissed, "I really couldn't care less about it. But I owe you, so I'll keep you guys company."
I said nothing.
I was shocked.
She was acting so pissed off. Like she might walk out on us before we'd started.
"Okay!" beamed Miyazawa, slapping a hand on each of our shoulders, "Friendship! And now," she indicated the tall aggressive girl, "this is Tsubaki. Sakura Tsubaki."
The tall girl nodded a welcome.
She turned to the others.
"Sena-san, Sawada-san. Chiwas!"(1)
The other two girls each raised an arm,
"Chiwas! You can call us Rika and Aya."
"Mm, these two seem the most normal, you know?" I said to Maho.
She looked at me. And I think she smiled, just a tiny bit at the corners of her mouth.
Or maybe she just looked a little bit less pissed off.
"Shibahime's late," Sawada observed.
She got a pack of cigarettes from her bag and lit one. Miyazawa jumped at her and smacked it out of her mouth. She grabbed the pack and crushed it.
"Cigarettes are bad! They're bad! Bad I tell you!"
The other girl recoiled in horror, her face pale and shocked.
"Uh… I… Uh… understand. Alright, alright. Whoa. Please excuse me."
The smaller girl, Sena Rika, gushed at Miyazawa,
"I'm so glad you're strong and you can tell her off. Aya won't stop smoking, no matter how much I tell her."
The other two girls had black hair, Sawada Aya's being shorter than Maho's although it was cut in a complete non-style, being straight and lank and she seemed to care little for looking nice. Both she and Sakura were very thin and flat-chested but I noticed straight away that the girl Rika was easily the prettiest of the three. She had brown eyes, an oval face, a lovely smile and beautiful auburn hair gathered into two long ponytails. She wore a yellow sundress and she had great boobs, I mean whoppers. A lovely shape. What a lucky girl.
Sakura was something of a tomboy as well as a leader and a fighter. She wore old faded jeans and a pale green tee shirt. I noticed she was the only one without a handbag, which said a lot. Sawada wore a shapeless dark brown spaghetti strap shift dress. That and her plain hair painted a fairly clear picture for me. Only Sena Rika seemed to have any make up on and I could tell she was a girl who took pride in her appearance.
She seemed the happiest too, the most relaxed and carefree.
Even though she was the quietest and that day we didn't speak directly, I took an instant liking to her.
I wondered what they thought of me. I'd put on a tight red tee shirt that was stretchy and a bit daring for me, and another knee-length pleated skirt, a yellow one. The tee shirt didn't quite reach the waistband of the skirt. An inch of stomach showed. For me that was very daring. When I was bigger I'd never have dared show any midriff. I have several of these skirts though and they're like a uniform for me. I just feel comfortable in them. I'd put a little make up on too, mostly to impress Maho and hide my dodgy skin.
"Yeah," I said, "Miyazawa's quite strong willed. She's much better to have as a friend than an enemy, isn't that right, Maho?"
"The normal ones like her," Maho responded, "are usually harder to deal with than the crazies."
"But still," Sakura mused, "Tsubasa's pretty late. She's been slacking off lately. Well," she glanced at her watch again, "I suppose there's no helping it."
"Sorry for the wait."
I turned at the sound of the voice.
- - - oOo - - -
How can I describe Shibahime Tsubasa's appearance? I've told you already what her personality and mind are like.
The origami is all there, only someone forgot to fold it.
A dash of soy paste short of a miso.
The samurai armour is complete, but it's resting on its stand.
But I can see how, despite the lack of intellectual dynamism, she would still be attractive to boys.
She was, not to mince words, bloody gorgeous. She was, I think, a real beauty; a classical beauty with a face so perfect, so pretty, so unbelievably cute that anime writers must use her as a model for every cute girl you ever see on TV.
And she was tiny. About four and a half feet, delightfully packaged. She was like a toy person, a fairy tale girl from a made up land.
She had big green eyes.
She had long red-brown hair that flowed like a waterfall to her waist.
And an oval face of clear white skin that just shouted out innocence.
It was in a way, a shame that behind that marvelous face, those bright beautiful eyes there was not much going on. But on the other hand that was also another part of her attractiveness. Had she been a rocket scientist that would have detracted from and not added to her cuteness.
The fact that she was basically stupid made you want to grab hold of her and hug her all the more. Protect her.
She was wearing blue and white sneakers, black shorts, a baggy white tee shirt that was way too big for her and a lilac and pink baseball cap. Around her middle was tied a red sweatshirt and she carried a cutsey pink make up box that looked like something a Barbie set would come in.
Miyazawa jumped at her.
"Oh wow! You're… You're so kawaii!"
She hugged her,
"Come to a clothing store with me! Big sis wants to dress you up! I'll find you all sorts of pretty clothes! I want you to show me how cute you can be! Ooooh…!"
Everyone else stood around watching, slightly worried by this odd display.
A week ago hadn't Shibahime been trying to beat the crap out of Miyazawa? Hadn't she been seen bawling her eyes out because Miyazawa had stolen her boyfriend?
Without looking at Maho I muttered,
"What were you saying about the normal ones?"
"Hm," she answered, deadpan, "Who have we chosen as a friend here? She's definitely borderline."
"Well, quite a gathering we have here," Sakura said, "Shall we go then?"
- - - oOo - - -
First stop, a karaoke bar. We took over a booth. Not my scene at all as I don't think I can sing.
But soon I found out that's not an issue.
In fact it seems the whole point is to not sing well and to sound as excruciatingly embarrassing as you can.
Miyazawa and Sakura couldn't sing either and they got right into it, wailing like cats. Some dire old monster song.
But they stuck with it and sang a half-dozen songs.
Then Sena and Shibahime had a go. They were both better. Both of them could actually sing. And they were both good to look at which helped. They did four or five songs. I could happily have watched Sena sing more.
"Alright," said Sakura, "We've had the fighters, and the cuties. Now it's the newbies turn. Ryusaki, Izawa, come on."
"Ah, no. I don't want to."
Oh, no. Embarrassment.
"No way. Get lost!"
Maho folded her arms.
"Come on now. We agreed. We're all in this together. Friendship! Yeah!"
Miyazawa was off again, she came at me and dragged me out of my seat, Sakura attacked Maho.
"Get up on that damned stage ya losers or we'll take the piss out of you all day!"
Sakura has this way with words. So ladylike.
Maho and I stood there. Loser #1 and Loser #2.
We were handed mikes.
The debut performance of an all-new girl duet. I hoped no talent spotters were around to sign up The Amazing Loser Sisters.
"There's the autocue, girls, it's easy, just sing the words as they come up!"
Miyazawa stepped back. Music started. I knew this tune, some jolly, happy, mindless silly J-Pop. But it was a cute song, the words were kind of fitting really. Something in me made me sing. I don't know why or how, I hate, hate, hate public attention like this. Nerves and shyness. I was probably rubbish but the words came into me and suddenly a shiver was tripping down my spine.
I've heard people say that sometimes in religious ceremonies when the monk is speaking he says words to a crowd of hundreds but the words fit their circumstances exactly. As though God was speaking specifically to them. Singling them out from those gathered around as though he has a message he wants only them to hear.
That's never happened to me.
Ever.
Until Saturday the 22nd of July, 1995.
In a Shibuya karaoke bar of all places.
I mean, that's not your usual place for a semi-religious experience is it?
Give me a mountain top, or a mist-shrouded shrine, or a view of Mount Fujiyama at dawn.
But it happened then.
And wow, I can tell you, I still have the goosebumps now. I shiver today thinking about that moment.
I sang. I just had to.
The words, at that moment, were written for me.
Hell, they could have been written by me.
After a couple of lines I heard to my left another voice. I looked.
Maho was singing too.
And now she, to my great surprise really could sing.
I think she might have even been better than Shibahime.
It was her voice, that deep cool sultry sound she makes. In song it came out that much stronger, that much darker, that much smoother.
And I have to say it - that much more erotic.
She was gorgeous. She sounded so sexy.
I was completely blown away.
Did she pick up on the words too?
Did they have a meaning for her as well?
If so, who was she singing for?
"What is it that you're looking for?
Is it something that's hard to find?
And you looked in your bag and your desk…
…but you cannot find it.
Do you still intend to keep on looking?
Wouldn't you want to dance with me instead?
Wouldn't you want to…
Wouldn't you want to…
…go off into a dream?
…crawling around and crawling around…
What in the world could you be looking for?
When you stop looking…
…its often the case that you find it.
Let's dance.
Wouldn't you want to…
Wouldn't you want to…
…go off into a dream?"
"Sagashi mono wan nan desu ka
Mitsukenikui mono desu ka
Kaban no naka mo tsukue no naka mo
Sagashita keredo mitsukaranai noni
Madamada sagasu ki desu ka
Sore yori boku to odorimasen ka
Yume no naka e… Yume no naka e…
Ittemitai to omoimasen ka…
Ooh, ooh, oooooohhh…
Ooh, ooh, oooooohhh…
(we whoo-hood like two owls on crack)
…Haitsukubatta haitsukubatte
Ittai nani o sagashiteiru no ka
Sagasu no o yameta toki
Mitsukaru koto mo yoku aru hanashi de
Odorimashou
Yume no naka e... Yume no naka e...
Ittemitai to omoimasen ka."
It was a great tune, quick, catchy and the words sent me somewhere new.
Like a religious experience it came. The words spoke to me, talked to me about my current circumstances, my struggle to find love and friendship and self-worth and a place to rest.
I realized I was dancing, just a swing of the hips and a leg one way then the other leg the other way. Raise my arms, clap.
I couldn't dance.
Never had.
Not one step.
But that day I danced.
Dunno what it was.
Joy, maybe?
The others were watching and clapping and wiggling in their seats and singing along.
I looked at Maho. Her eyes were shut. She knew the words.
She was really going for it.
I went for it too. I lifted my left arm and laid the hand on her shoulder. She glanced at me, transferred her mike to her other hand and put her right hand on my shoulder.
Where her bare arm pressed to mine I felt electric shocks run into me.
The warmth from her skin, the pressing contact of her muscles…
And connected, we danced.
"Wouldn't you want to dance with me instead?
Wouldn't you want to…
Wouldn't you want to…
…go off into a dream?
Ooh, ooh, oooooohhh…
Ooh, ooh, oooooohhh…"
And seeing her enjoying herself sent me further.
Is this what love is like?
When you see a person so happy that them going makes you even happier?
And so the two of you feed off each other, and grow off each other?
Is it like this?
If it isn't I like this anyway.
It feels good.
Being near her and seeing her happy.
And touching her.
And being touched.
It makes me happy.
Maho.
Be happy.
I was crying.
I can't explain it.
Suddenly it happened.
A great surge of emotion burst into me.
I sang a few more lines with tears streaming down my face.
Happiness and sorrow at the same time.
That tune. Those words. That heavenly girl beside me. The whole situation. The contact of her skin. The others cheering me on. Needing a place to rest. My past. My loneliness. The Incident. My aching heart. Being in love. A hopeless love. My friends. Having friends. I'd never had friends before. Never...
What a difference from a few months ago.
I stopped singing and simply broke down right there on the stage.
I sat down heavily and sobbed.
Miyazawa came up and squatted next to me. An arm came around me.
Someone else was on the other side.
"Sakana, what is it?"
"Gomen, gomen," was all I could blurt out.
To my right was a red dress, Miyazawa. She was hugging me. To my left was a purple and black shape and a smell I craved, a scent that every day is driving me mad. Arpegè.
I lunged to my left and hugged the scent of Arpegè. The Arpegè hugged back.
"What's the matter with her?" someone was saying.
"Dunno. She was fine a minute ago."
"Time of the month maybe?"
"No idea."
"Get her to a seat. Is there some water?"
Someone tried to move me but I clung tighter.
"No. Onegai. Just a minute. Gomen…"
I held on tight to the smell of Arpegè.
Pressed my face deep into it.
Someone was stroking my back, my shoulders.
My sobs got even stronger and great heaving sawing convulsions wracked my chest.
I was so unhappy.
And at the same time I'd never been so happy in my life.
For a few moments Maho was a rock.
Save me…
Save me from drowning.
I clung to my rock.
- - - oOo - - -
A few minutes later.
Calmer.
But still aching…
…still confused.
I was sat on the bench in the karaoke booth. Staring at my lap. People were all around me, looking concerned. My make-up was ruined. Someone wiped it off for me, cleaned me up.
"Gomen, gomen," was all I could say for several minutes, then "Guys, thanks. I… I don't know what happened. I've been through some funny times recently. But… I think mostly it's having friends. I've never had friends before, ever. You're all really… You know, kind to me."
Miyazawa hugged me some more and Maho put her hand on my other shoulder.
"Maho…"
"Hm?"
"Can we all have a hug? Us three?"
"Sure."
We did.
Really I wanted it to be just her, but I hadn't the guts to ask for that.
Minutes passed and I calmed down.
I saw Maho looking at me in a strange way.
She looked concerned and yet… there was a sort of helplessness there too.
She looked as though she wanted to help, but couldn't. As though something was holding her back.
- - - oOo - - -
Slowly I pulled myself together.
The moment passed.
The mood faded and recovered.
All readings nominal captain.
We went around some stores and I bought myself a mobile phone. I wanted to start putting people's numbers in it but it needed charging up. Bummer.
I had to content myself with writing them down in my notebook for now. I ended the day with five numbers written down. I didn't bother with Shibahime's, there didn't seem much point.
The top number was Maho's.
I doodled some little hearts around it.
In one department store Sakura and Sawada began teasing Shibahime.
"Tsubasa, you like Totoro, right?"
"Hm! Totoro…"
"Right! Totoro. A big Totoro doll just went walking that way."
"What! A big Totoro?! Really?! Yeah! For real?"
"It was really huge!"
"D'ya wanna go see it?"
"Oh, yeah, wanna see," you could actually see the little girl bouncing up and down in excitement.
"Then you'd better hurry, we'll lose sight of it."
The three of them ran off down the store, customers frowning at them, Tsubasa leading in her eagerness. After a short distance the two taller girls peeled off and dropped back then ran back to us.
"Back!" hissed Sakura, "Get back, behind those shelves!"
We all hid.
It was quiet for a minute.
"She's noticed. She's coming back."
Sniggering and giggling.
"Hey you!" Shibahime shouted.
"Hey, she's really pissed!" Sakura and Sawada were laughing, gagging, trying to hold it in. Shibahime came around the shelves looking grumpy.
"Hey guys," Sena chided, "That's really mean!"
The dwarf princess stood there, hands on hips looking seriously pissed off.
"You guys suck," she pouted.
Even angry she was gorgeous. Even without a brain I could easily see why these girls loved her.
"Is this friendship?" Maho asked me.
"It is, Jim, but not as we know it."
There was a small sound beside me. I turned. Maho had a hand over her mouth.
But her eyes.
They sparkled with something, something I'd never seen before.
"Are you laughing?"
"No, not really. That was a little funny though."
Inwardly I beamed.
I had made Maho laugh.
In my imagination I hugged myself.
- - - oOo - - -
We went to a coffee bar and the girls bought Shibahime a huge ice cream sundae as an apology. It was as big as her head. The cute girl sat there and set to demolishing it, oblivious to the world around her.
The rest of us had tea, or cokes or whatever.
Sakura took her tea spoon and dipping it in Shibahime's sundae fed her. Sawada did the same and the small girl slurped away on three different spoons. Miyazawa picked up her fork and cutting a slice of her sticky cake offered that to the pretty girl. She turned and wolfed that down too.
"Iced tea, Tsubasa?"
"Hn, yeah!"
A glass was put to her slips.
"Some of mine?"
"Yeah, please, Aya!"
The feeding and drinking went on, more and more junk was poured and shoveled into the girl. It was weird, like some surreal movie. Shibahime just wouldn't say no to any of the attention she was given yet she went redder and redder and began to gasp and choke. Suddenly.
"Nyaaaaah!" she pushed people away and tried to lift the table.
"Yeah! Tsubasa's lost it!"
"Whoa, scaaaaary!"
"Come on! Stop it! You'll get us thrown out!"
Sena played at being sensible as usual.
"Actually I might just leave now," Maho muttered to herself.
Miyazawa turned to Maho and I.
"I think I'm beginning to figure out the relationships between these guys. Tsubaki and Aya are just evil. Tsubasa is their plaything, like a wind-up toy and Rika, she's frustrated. Tries to play mom."
Maho and I exchanged a glance.
There was friendship. And there was friendship.
What we both wanted to know was, was this friendship?
Or something nuttier?
Something borderline.
Something "get thrown out of stores and coffee bars and get arrested" borderline?
Maho sat quietly, she looked at me over the rim of her teacup and drank, trying to generate a small corner of serenity at her end of the table.
She was wisely keeping quiet. Through choice I assumed.
I was keeping quiet through good old fashioned fear.
I nursed my skinny latte.
"You four went to the same middle school, right?" Miyazawa asked.
"That's right," Sakura answered, "We're from Hatadai Middle School."
Miyazawa stuck her hand up.
"South Shirakawa Middle School."
Maho spoke quietly into her tea cup.
"Horikawa Western Middle School."
My turn.
"Uh, Suginomiya Nishigawa Middle School in Tama New Town."
"Really?" Maho looked up from her tea, "That's a long way away."
"Hm, it's where I come from originally. My dad sent me there because he knew the head teacher from way back."
Maho said nothing but continued to look at me.
Which was fine by me.
"How did you all meet?" Miyazawa was asking the others.
"Tsubasa and I have known each other since kindergarten," Sakura replied.
"Rika and I are neighbours," Sawada said, "so we've been friends since we were kids."
"Tsubasa was really shy even back then," Sakura continued, "I went up to her one day because she was all alone and cute and she clung onto me and wouldn't let go. Since she was always hanging around me, none of the other cute girls would play with me. My school life was completely ruined because of her."
"Tsubaki," Miyazawa asked, "you really like pretty girls don't you?"
She turned to me and whispered,
"Who does that remind me of?"
Sakura was speaking again.
"But I feel honoured to have met such a cute girl in high school Yukinon. We should become good friends, heh heh heh heh…" her chuckle was a bit creepy.
A light went on in Miyazawa's face.
"She really is like him!" she said quietly to me again, "She's just like that creepy guy I know all too well…"
"Asaba!" I offered, seeing the connection.
It was odd. I saw it now, Asaba loved to be surrounded by pretty girls, to be distracted by them constantly. And this girl did too. I looked at her again and she sat there grinning easily, relaxed among friends, twirling her drink about, the ice clinking. Hm, yes, now I looked closer… boyish hair, boyish body, boyish clothes, boyish language, no make up, likes pretty girls… Was she gay too?
I sat and wondered. Miyazawa just thought it was amusing in a creepy way but I was bothered by it.
I don't know why.
I mean if she is that's no reason why she might suddenly jump on me is it? It's not as though her being lezzy gives her the power to read my thoughts or something.
Does it?
And I'm not sure anyway, so I can't say anything.
Hm, I sighed, it's all very complex this growing up stuff, these friendships and relationships. Trying to work people out is like stumbling about in a cellar blindfolded and gagged. You can't say anything in case you misread the situation and make an embarrassing mistake.
"The two of us…" Sena was saying,
"…have been together since we were babies," Aya continued the sentence, "We're always together."
"That's great," Miyazawa offered.
"I was always naughty when I was a kid. I'd sneak out of kindergarten and drag Rika with me. But she was always the one to get caught and yelled at. I'd play crazy dangerous games like haul her up a fence on a rope. And she would get told off for doing dangerous things. Once I made a real mess of my room. I knew mother would be angry but I didn't care. But Rika was worried about it and spent ages clearing up all the books and putting them back on the shelves. But they weren't in the order I liked so I shouted at her. I hated going to movies alone so I would always bring Rika along. But when she wanted to go see movies she liked I wouldn't go. I was always finding ways to get what I wanted at Rika's expense."
"Heh heh, it really doesn't bother me," the pretty brunette chuckled, "because Aya is such a good writer. When we were younger I would tell her she was amazing, and it was great she'd won so many awards and I was so glad I could be her friend."
"She's always so happy for me! How can she be happy for me when I've treated her so badly? Is she a saint? If I were in her shoes I definitely wouldn't congratulate someone like me! I'd be green with envy!"
"S…Stop it already!"
"I'm not the kind of person you should be complimenting!" Sawada warned her, in mock annoyance, "Every time you compliment me like that, I realize just how bad a person I am!"
"But Aya is a really great writer. She got the "Best New Junior Writer" award and her story was published in a book."
"What?" Miyazawa stood up, "A story? In a book? The kind you buy at a bookstore? You're an author? Wow, a real pro. You're a real author. I'm actually sitting with a real author!"
"Its no big deal, just some short stories and stuff. I'm a pro only in the strictest sense of the word. There are lots of people like that."
"Yeah," Sena went on, "but that's pretty cool, especially for a high schooler. You have a lot of talent Aya, You're going to be huge! I'll be able to say I knew you when…"
"I told you to stop complimenting me like that!"
Sakura broke in.
"Since it's summer vacation you have more time to write, right?"
"Yeah, I'm working on a novel."
"Wow…" Miyazawa made an awed sound.
"It's not all that special. Everyone can do something. Tsubaki became a first string player when she joined the volleyball club. And Rika's great at sewing and dressmaking. I can't believe how beautiful some of the things she makes are. It might take months, it might take years but everyone has a talent that eventually comes out."
This seemed to affect Miyazawa. I watched her. She spoke quietly and seemed puzzled by something.
"That's great! You all have something you want to do."
"I never really thought about it before," Sawada the writer offered, in an off-hand way.
"I'm jealous," Miyazawa said, looking sulky, "All I can do is study."
"But even that's enough to make us all jealous," Sakura encouraged her, "that's a talent in itself."
Tsubasa sat munching away. They all looked at her… no one commented. She was in a cosy little world of her own. Her and her sundae. As happy as a cow in a field.
I thought that for Tsubasa life would be easy, really simple. Looking like that she would have no trouble meeting a good looking kind guy and getting married and not having to worry about a thing.
"What about you Ryusaki? You swim don't you?" Sakura asked.
"Yeah, how did you know that?"
"Well everyone knows it. You're the best freshman swimmer in the school. You're better than many of the 11th and 12th graders. People talk about you."
"They do?"
"You didn't know?"
"No. Since when?"
"Since you swam sixty lengths in two hours a while back. And before then."
"It was fifty eight. And I was shattered."
"Not according to what I heard. So, you should try for Olympic standard."
I sat there, wondering. Was I that good? I had no idea. I just swam because I liked to.
And so I could escape from the people - the world - around me.
That made me feel odd. Here I was just doing this as an escape route yet other people saw that it had value.
I looked across the table at Maho. She looked back, still hiding behind her tea cup.
Very solemnly she gave me a brief nod.
Just the one.
- - - oOo - - -
"Well I guess this is where we say goodbye."
We were outside at the Crossing again.
"We'll all meet up again soon yeah?" Miyazawa asked.
"Right!"
"Ryusaki, are you okay now?"
"Hm."
"You watch it, yeah? Be careful with that karaoke business, its dangerous stuff!"
"Hm, right…"
And then I had to say something. Something really important.
"Uh, look everyone…um… I just want to say sorry for earlier. I get emotional a lot these days. I'm having a bit of a funny time. At the moment. And well… gomen. I don't like speaking in front of people but. Well, I just wanted to say that today. Well, I didn't say much and you must all think me rather boring but… I did have a really good time. You know, I think this is probably the best day I've ever had. You see… oh, gomen, gomen… I'm going to start leaking again. You see I've never had friends before. Not one. Ever… and today was… well it was great. Arigato…"
My eyes were wet. I hung my head.
There was silence for a moment and then a hand came onto my shoulder. And another on the other side. And a third on my back. And then…
"C'mon guys! Group hug on Ryusaki!"
"Yay!"
People pressed all around me, hands tousled my hair, someone patted my back and then I was being squeezed from all sides, all kinds of pressure and smells.
And then I went again, more tears.
Damn, I'm useless.
"Hey, Ryusaki-chan, you wanna meet with us in town or come to our houses to study or just chill out, well you have our numbers. You can call any time, yeah?"
I sniffed back up a big runny string of snot and nodded.
"Yeah. You guys are really nice."
"No problem. Friends yeah?"
"Yeah."
The group opened out. Miyazawa and Maho had their hands on my shoulders.
Tsubasa suddenly turned to Miyazawa and hugged her.
"Huh? What's wrong Tsubasa?"
"My turn now. Don't want to go home yet."
"Okay. Do you want to hang out a little more?"
Sakura spoke up.
"Aww, Yukinon, you're too kind! Looks like Tsubasa's taken a liking to you! But I'm telling you, once she hugs you like that, it's all over. She'll never let go! In other words, you have a big problem!"
"We don't want her to do that to us, so we'll be going now," said Sawada, smirking wickedly.
"See ya later!"
"Bye!"
"Keep in touch!"
"Okay, c'mon Tsubasa, let's walk," Miyazawa said.
We walked.
"You okay?" Maho asked me.
I nodded. I wasn't but I didn't want to go into details right now.
Shibahime walked in front of us three. I was in the middle a little behind the other two. After a couple of minutes companionable silence, Miyazawa spoke.
"Being good at studying isn't everything. Everyone has different things they're good at. Its hopeless, I'm the only one who doesn't know what I want to do with my life."
"That's unlike you," Maho commented, "Does it worry you?"
"It's just that… I've realized my life has been lacking something. While I was doing nothing but studying, everyone else found other things they enjoyed doing and other goals they wanted to reach. Their lives have purpose. I never realised it before. I feel like I've been left behind."
"So you can start looking for your purpose now. It's good that you've realized there's more to life than studying. It's hardly too late for you. And besides, you're not alone. I want to make some changes too. Maybe we can take this project on together."
I had never heard Maho talk like this. She was being warm and supportive. Where did this Maho come from?
She turned to me.
"What about you Sakana? Are you in?"
"I don't know what it is that I'm in or out of. I thought I was useless at everything. I know I am. Suddenly people back there say I'm a great swimmer. But it doesn't feel like it. Swimming's just an escape route, something to do so I don't have to face the world."
"You know, I think that's true of everyone to some degree. We all have things we do so that while we're doing them we can have an excuse not to face the world."
She stopped walking and looked at me. I stopped too.
"Do you?" I asked.
"Maybe you've seen the wall I've put up already. A wall of competitive fighting I hide behind because I don't want people to see the real me."
"Uh…" said Miyazawa, "Tsubasa's gone on ahead. Where is she? I'm gonna go get her."
"Okay. We'll catch you up," Maho called after her.
She turned back to me. Suddenly she seemed a lot closer and a lot warmer. There was something about her. A caring thing. I didn't know how to interpret this.
My heart was bumping. I had imagined a conversation like this so many times.
Now it was finally happening I couldn't handle it.
Too intense.
This was…
…too much.
…too soon.
"If you do it well, your swimming," she went on, "you should nurture it. Focus on it. As Sakura-san said, you'll be perfectly placed in five years time for the 2000 Olympics. You'll be 21. In top form. Bang on the nail."
"Don't be silly. I'm not that good."
"Not now maybe, but in five years time. If you try to reach out…"
"I can't do it alone."
"Well that's what I'm here for. And Miyazawa. Friends. We'll help and encourage you."
"What about you? You know… the real you?"
"Well," she paused and looked thoughtful, "I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm not in the top grade academically. I can deal with that now. A certain someone helped me to get my head straight over that."
She looked at me.
"Did they?"
"Yes. They did. And I never said thank you."
"Oh, well."
"So. Arigato. You were great."
"Uh…"
And then it happened. I stood there like an idiot, doing nothing. And she moved. She lifted her arms and put them round me and gave me a big tight squeeze. It wasn't a hug, not a loving gentle thing, but very tight. She was strong. There was lots of energy in her body, in her muscles.
There was just lots of her, all round me.
I felt…
…enclosed. Comforted.
I felt.
Wanted.
Valued.
Appreciated.
Thanked.
My arms were pinned to my sides, but her front pressed tight to my front and I felt her.
My nose breathed in her scent and for a moment her hair tickled my face.
She let go. Left her hands resting on my shoulders. She gave me a gentle shake.
"Sakana, whatever it is that's hurting. What's making you cry a lot. You wanna talk about it? Well, you know where I am. Just call me. Now, come on. Let's go find that crazy dwarf air-head."
I moved. But I wasn't with it at all. I was drifting dreamlike.
Feeling the warmth and strength of her.
Remembering her smell.
The crispness of her shirt collar against my jaw.
Her words.
I wiped away a tear.
"Maho?"
She turned back, "Hm?"
"Do you know that was the first hug anyone has given me in… oh, I don't know how long… eight years at least. Half my life."
"But you've had loads of hugs today. Today's been Hug a Ryusaki Day."
"No, the karaoke thing and then just now when you all did. That was me doing that mostly. But you… just then… you're the first person to do that to me for such a long time."
"You need to get into this friends thing much more than me then."
"Yeah. I guess I'll make that my plan."
"Sounds good. Come out of your shell more, hm?"
"Hm. Arigato. I'm glad it was you who hugged me. Um… I like you a lot."
"No problem. Dunno why you like me, I'm no-one special."
Yes you are, yes you are, yes you are, oh yes you are…
"Oh. Anyway, arigato."
"No sweat. Now let's go find Miyazawa."
I breathed in deeply and let out a huge sigh.
Friends.
Even if she never loved me and even if I never had the guts to tell her how I felt, being friends would be good.
I thought of Shibahime though, and how her world had been turned upside down when she'd had Arima as a friend only to discover later that someone had taken him from her.
How would I feel if that happened to me and Maho?
I didn't dwell on it. I didn't want to.
I let that quick fierce hug satisfy me for all the rest of that long and very strange day.
And it wasn't over yet.
In fact the strangest part, the worst part, and the best part, was just beginning.
- - - oOo - - -
29 May - 2 June 2007
(1) For notes on Japanese words, please see my forum. This particular greeting has an interesting background.
For author notes about Chapter Twenty Nine, please see my forum (click on my pen name).
