Chapter 29.
"-think, Mia?"
"What?" I look up and around away from the view I was just wholly concentrating on enjoying. "Someone say something?
"Do you ever pay attention?" Alice snipes, her round eyes peeking at Marlene to see her reaction.
Suck up. I think while Marlene and some other follower snicker.
"Ladies, ladies, don't make me throw you all in the lake." James drawls lazily. "And yes, I was saying that I can't believe 6th year's over and we go back tomorrow. Then I said over the break we should get everyone together when we go places like the cinema and stuff, what do you think?"
I didn't even notice James walking over, the last time I'd checked on him, he was in the lake with everyone else while Lily and I read and these morons gossip.
Well, Lily was reading…I was perving.
Now Lily's perving too.
On a shirtless James.
"Sounds good to me." I smile.
"Cool. Come in the lake?" He asks, pouting and widening his eyes. "We're about to play chicken and kinda need you girls for that."
Thank fuck!
The heat's killing me even from where I'm sat in the shade but I hadn't wanted to intrude on the boys having fun.
I glance down at my shorts and t-shirt and shrug. "Sounds good." I grin, walking over to the lake.
"Is it cold?" I ask Daryl, slipping my shoes and socks off. "Wait no, I don't trust you." I change my mind and turn to Rik. "Is it cold?"
"You don't trust yo baby daddy?"
"Daryl?"
"Yes, baby momma?"
"You're making me want to vomit all over your existence." I say, making Rik and Adrian laugh. "Please stop."
"It's just right." Rik assures me.
"Thank God." I mutter and jump straight in.
The frigid temperature of the water seizes my body straight away.
"Prick!" I complain as soon as I break the surface and the traitor chuckles.
"I didn't think you'd come in if I said it's cold to start with, you'll get used to it in a minute."
"I'd have come in anyway, it's too freaking hot."
For some reason I can't stand being hot and this stupid heat wave makes it impossible to be anything else.
A shocked gasp repeats itself around the group boys.
"Mia! You mean to say…" Adrian starts.
"You DON'T like the heat?!" Daryl continues in a shocked voice.
"We never knew this!" Rik adds wide-eyed.
"You should've said." Devon says patting my shoulder.
Buttheads.
I may have been complaining every day since the heat-wave started.
I can't help it.
It's been two weeks.
Two fucking weeks.
The heat makes me feel weirdly antsy, nauseous and I can't stop thinking about everyone at home.
I miss them so much.
I want to see them.
"Oh shut up, I haven't complained that much." I protest.
I go to cross my arms but then remember how much I'd rather not drown.
They all snort or scoff or just laugh.
"Fine, I know I've been whiny. I'm sorry."
It's really bugging me why I can't place my finger on it…part of me thinks it's got something to do with the memory that Charlus won't let me see because I get the same feeling from as I did with my dislike of not being able to breath properly and lying down outside before I knew why I didn't like them.
"At least you can catch a tan." Cajoles Devon.
I just look at him.
"I'm brown." I say, stating the obvious. "Do I look like I need a tan?"
"Oh yeaaah. Y'know, sometimes I forget you're brown." Devon looks at me. "Just like Daryl but except for when he does that baby momma thing."
My friends used to forget too at times.
"I apologise for not living up to your stereotypes." Daryl tells him, laughing slightly.
"Oh shit, is that offensive?" Devon asks looking slightly agitated and I snort.
"No, my friends from ho- erm, from where I came from were way more offensive about pointing out my "un-brown attitude. I think it was Tom that started it off, but they all eventually started saying I'm a coconut." I laugh lightly.
No one gets it.
"Prickly on the outside but wet-" Adrian begins but Rik elbows him and I slap him around the head. "Sorry, habit."
"Brown on the outside, white on the inside." I state as we all tread water.
"Ooooh, clever! Daryl, you're a bounty too!" Devon laughs.
"That's racist." States Daryl with a straight face.
His face drops "What? No it's not! Is it?"
His innocent, boyish behaviour always makes me smile.
I hope he stays like this.
I hope he doesn't die.
I hope none of them do but a voice inside my head I prefer to ignore tells me it'll be unlikely.
"They'll be like this for a while." Rik whispers. "Daryl likes getting at him."
"Everyone likes getting at him, poor kid." I counter, laughing.
"True."
We don't get the chance to say anything else as James blows a whistle and calls us all over.
Then again, she's probably used to being in that position.
I don't usually judge people based on how many people they sleep with but I don't like her so she's my exception.
Slut.
"Alright." Sirius calls everyone's attention. "There are 5 girls and 9 guys…1 guy's going to need to be ref and one guy's going to need…actually one sec." His attention is drawn by a pretty brunette. "OI, GIRL IN THE BLUE SKIRT!" He calls.
Wow.
Just wow.
"My name's Elaine." She calls back and even from where I am, I can see her trying not to grin in delight that Sirius is talking to her… and judging from the slight smirk on his face, he can see it too.
"C'mere, we need another girl to play chicken and I've chosen you, bring 2 of your friends!"
Of course, she obliges.
To be fair I've actually realised he doesn't use girls all that much, he has a few girls who know the score and while he does flirt sometimes when there's nothing else to do –aka when James isn't around – he's not the playboy that people make him out to be.
Once Elaine's joined, the boy's take a moment to choose who they want on their shoulders and It offers to be ref.
No one would want to be paired with you anyway, you murdering bastard.
Sirius calls for Lily making James scowl and aim several rude hand gestures at him every time Lily's back is turned.
A boy in the year above I've never talked to named Frank Longbottom calls for Alice Prewett – I figure these are Neville's parents - at the same time that Marlene calls for Rik.
Whore.
"Marlene, boys choose girls." Adrian adds, annoyed about something.
"Where does it say that in the rules?" She counters.
"Nowhere, but ref's say goes…ref?"
Of course the cowardly ref –Peter - looks towards James who nods and does as he's told and agrees.
Spineless oaf.
"Guys, I forgot the prize in the dorm, I'll be right back." James shouts, getting out of the lake. "Lily's in charge!"
"Aid, you next." Lily instructs.
I raise my eyebrow at her bossy mood and she just shrugs. "Sooner the game's over then the sooner I can go back to reading."
Fair enough.
"I choooooose…blondie." He points at Elaine's pretty blonde friend and she gets over pouting over not being chosen by Sirius and swims over.
"Remus?"
He looks at Lily sternly for a moment before rolling his eyes and choosing Grace who squeals and sidles over to him.
Betrayal.
"Mmmm…Rik."
"Errr…" I look at Marlene who smirks at me from out of his line of sight. "Mia, do you wanna partner up?"
I smile at him. "Sure."
The rest of them pair off, Elaine still scowling over Sirius calling her over and then not picking her.
Although I don't think he was being insensitive to be a prick.
"We can sit out if you want?" Rik asks, looking at me a bit concerned.
"Don't you want to play?"
"No, I thought it might…er, never mind." He looks embarrassed and I unconsciously put my hand on his arm.
"What is it?"
"I was just wondering if you'd be alright playing something quite…handsy after everything? Marlene's not going to play fair either."
His concern makes me smile.
"I'll be fine, Alastor made me get over any qualms about stuff like that."
Plus I'm looking forward to knocking Marlene off her peg.
"Christ. He doesn't hold back, does he?" Rik mutters.
"Ha. That was him holding back." I state drily. "As soon as I could use both legs fully he told me to run a mile...not great when you're a chubster."
Rik looks hesitant for a moment.
"Ask or say whatever you want, I won't get offended." I promise.
"Do you want to practise getting balanced on my shoulders now? It'll save some wobbling about trying to get used to it later."
"I doubt that, have you seen how much she eats? She'll act like an anchor and weigh the both of you down." Sirius laughs.
His words send shame and embarrassment running through my body.
I know I'm not fat or chubby anymore and saying it about my past self myself is one thing but after a lifetime of being called fatass, lardass, cow, a heifer and other such hurtful names by my bro- birth brothers who would also pick at my eating habits, it's a sensitive topic and I can't help but feel ashamed and a bit disgusted with myself.
"Mia's not-"
"If Potter's going to be worried about anything weighing her down, it should be those tits." Some guy on the side yells over.
They're not even that big!
Although according to Lily the fact that I have to use the word "that" means they are.
"And her arse." Marlene adds chirpily.
"She's n-"
"If I'm worried about anything sinking it'll be you with the weight of your ego," I smile and direct to Sirius, pretending his words didn't hurt.
"What did you just say to him?"
"Marlene, for God's sake just stop." Lily argues.
"I don't give a shit, I'm sick of her."
I'm not aware I did anything.
It amuses me that she actually swims over when yesterday she told me she couldn't even be in the same room as my "pathetic pathological need for attention".
"How about you repeat it?" She asks when she's in front of me.
"Marlene. Stop it."
She ignores Rik and so do I.
"I said that if I was worried about anything sinking it's be the weight of Sirius' ego." I repeat in the same bored tone I always talk to her in.
I'd also be worried about you with the weight of all the bullshit you carry around to convince yourself that you're better than everyone else.
"You really think you're something special don't you?"
"No, not really."
She ignores me.
"You walk around acting oh so innocent as though you care so much about your new parents and your new brother and family and friends and you think that everyone loves you." She rant.
"Nope, I'm quite aware that majority of the schoo-"
"Shut up. Just. Shut Up."
I just raise my eyebrow at her, pull myself out of the water to sit on the bank and make the go ahead sign.
"You think that everyone loves you and buys into your little act of caring oh so much about the Potter's, Remus, Sirius and Lily but it's bullshit, you don't care about any of them and do you want to know how I know this?" She asks triumphantly. "Because you don't seem to give a flying fuck about your birth family having been killed. Not once since I've been here have you cried for them, talked about them or-"
"Marlene, that's too far. Stop now." Rik warns.
"Seriously, you've crossed the line." Adrian or Daryl adds.
"No, she needs to hear just how everyone sees her. You're not fooling anyone, you heartless little bitch and other people have said it too, not just me, even Sirius." She sneers at me and Lily approaches her to get her to stop but she casts a shielding charm to keep everyone away from us and continues.
"Do you think people haven't noticed how quick you were to agree to Mr and Mrs Potter adopting you after your own parents' deaths? How quick you were to latch onto Lily, Remus and Sirius and build friendships with everyone better than you after your own friends died?
You don't deserve to be around people and you don't deserve to have people care about you because you're nothing but a traitor to them and in the worse way possible.
You don't give a flying fuck about your birth family because you've landed with a no doubt richer and better family. Your friends are dead and you don't seem to give a flying fuck because you've replaced them with everyone whose arse you lick now but tomorrow if anything were to turn around and happen to them then what? I'll tell you what, you'll replace them too because despite the fact they've given you a home, name and money behind you, they mean nothing to you just like the people who gave you life, a home and everything you had before clearly meant nothing to you. Do you think no one's noticed? Were you even attacked or did you make your way onto the Potter Manor and curse yourself a few times so they'd take pity on you?" She asks derisively.
"You don't know a singl-" I start but am interrupted.
"She might not have cried in front of you but how dare you suggest that she doesn't care or that she attacked herself?"
"Because she doesn't." Marlene shouts at Lily.
Everything she's said apart from having attacked myself is everything I've thought myself.
I don't know what to say.
And the triumph on her face tells me she knows it too.
"Why, because you're argument will actually have some basis if any of that bullshit were actually true?" James ask quietly.
I don't know when he returned but he must've heard enough to get the gist of what just happened.
"Because Mia doesn't walk around crying her eyes out 24/7 then she doesn't care about anything that happened? You honestly think that she hasn't cried since coming here? That she doesn't struggle every fucking day?" He gets angrier with every word. "Why, why the hell would my sister show any of you her emotions when every time she'd show some, you all act like it's a weakness and rip her to shreds for it? Straight away you all made judgements, started ridiculous rumours about her and even made bets about her and you expect her to let you see how she feels? Are you fucking kidding me?"
I want to say something but I can't remember how to open my mouth.
It's not functioning.
I want to tell James to leave it because majority of what she says has a point.
I don't show emotion.
I act like I don't care.
I have replaced my birth family and my friends.
I'm a traitor to them, just like they say in some of my nightmares.
"James, don't." I manage.
"No, I've had enough of people talking shit about you and I've had enough of her acting like she can get away with treating everyone like garbage. You lot don't see the Mia that Lily, me and the boys see and you never will because not only have none of you have ever given her a chance but you blindly made judgements you've pulled out of your fucking asses and stuck her with them without any thought about if it might hurt her."
"James is right." Lily speaks up when he glares around at Marlene. "Why should she walk around crying and never allowing herself any happiness because a bunch of people who don't have anything interest going on in their own lives deem her dealing with things privately and in her way to be improper?"
"And why the hell should she have to try and prove anything to anyone? After everything that's happened to her don't you think it's up to her how she handles her grief?" Rik adds.
Grief.
But I'm not grieving.
James goes to say something again but I cut him off.
"Stop."
I'm thankful my voice doesn't shake and stays emotionless.
"People can think what they want. That's their right. I don't want to be stood up for." I stand up and walk away.
I don't know what to say.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to react.
All my thoughts that have been plaguing my mind and torturing me are ones everyone else have been thinking.
About me.
I'm almost at the entrance to the castle.
"Mia!"
Do they believe her?
They should, it's true.
I'm heartless.
"Go back, I'm fine."
"No, I refuse to be around such idiocy. I'm coming in with you."
"She's your best friend, you shou-"
"No."
"Lily, it's fine. I'm fine." I protest.
"Well I'm not. If I stay I'll punch the lights out of someone and right now I genuinely think it'd be her so we're going."
I stay quiet until we're half way up the staircase.
"Is that what everyone thinks? That I don't care?"
"They don't know what they're on about, Mia."
"That's a yes then."
"I thought you said you don't care. She just said it because she knows it would get to you. Mia, no one that matters thinks anything like that."
"I don't and I know. I'm going up to the seventh floor, I'll meet you in the common room in an hour."
"Mia, wait." I stop and turn to face her.
I need to run.
I don't want to think, I just need to run.
"You swore, remember?" Lily reminds me, looking concerned and stubborn.
"I just need to go for a run, there's too much – just too much inside me, I need to r-run and then we'll talk."
I leave Lily at the entrance to the sixth floor and make my way to the seventh floor, my head feeling foggy and thick.
Everyone knows you're a traitor.
Everyone knows.
"Traitor."
"- a traitor in the worse way possible."
"She needs to hear how everyone sees her."
I walk past the portrait of Barnabus the Barmy teaching his trolls to dance and imagine a huge track.
I need a place to run until I'm too tired to think.
I need a place to run until I'm too tired to think.
I need a place to run until I'm too tired to think.
As soon as the door opens I persuade myself to do a warm up.
I don't want to bother anyone if I get hurt so I do the bare minimum and start my run.
It's not long until I've built up my speed to full out sprinting and the only thing I let myself focus on completely is keeping my breathing as even as possible and using the burn of my leg muscles as incentive to keep going.
I have replaced them.
I have.
I had birth parents and before I even knew if they were dead or alive I had adoptive parents.
I had brothers – now I call other guys my brothers and I care about their opinions more than I ever did back then.
I had friends and even though I loved them more than anything, I've replaced them with people who have brought about a whole level of protectiveness and concern that I've never felt before.
James, Lily and Remus worry about me when I run to think things through, they think I overdo it, but when I get overwhelmed it's the easiest way to sort through everything.
Except this time it isn't working.
Every time I go to slow down the guilt
I don't know how long I've manage to keep it up for so far but sweats dripping out from every pore but after an innumerable amount of time my body gives up and I literally collapse onto the floor panting.
I miss home.
I want to go home.
I want my friends.
I want my bed.
I want to go home.
I don't know when I started crying but some amount of time later I notice my sobs and about the same time I notice I'm not lying on the cloud, hard ground anymore either.
My entire bodies resting on something soft and comfortable.
I don't bother opening my eyes – I don't care enough to check.
I don't care.
I just want to go home.
I wish I was in my bed, in my room, in my home.
I wish I could hear my Mum talking too loud on the phone.
I wish I could hear my eldest brother talking too loud and my second brother swearing at something or other.
I wish I could vaguely hear the sound of the TV show my Dad's watching downstairs.
I can hear it.
Almost.
In my head.
But not quite.
I squeeze my eyes, refusing to accept that it's not real and pretend I'm in my tiny box bedroom trying to sleep.
I used to lie in bed listening to music on my Walkman to block them out.
I want my Walkman.
I want my life back.
I replay songs in my head over and over in my head.
The familiarity of the situation I've recreated calms my frayed nerves.
I almost convince myself that I can smell the fabric conditioner my Mum would use as I inhale.
I can almost pretend nothing's happened.
That I'm curled up in bed at night with the lights off letting the music lull me to sleep.
When I come to I realise I'd been asleep for several hours.
And that my entire body is cramped and in pain.
I don't bother opening my eyes.
This isn't one of those times when you wake up in the past until you open your eyes and reality slaps you in the face.
No.
I'm fully aware in 23 years in the past.
I just – I don't want to face it.
I'd rather focus on my physical pain.
"Mia?" A hushed voice whispers.
I immediately recognise it at James'.
"Quit pretending." He tells me.
"M'not." My voice is hoarse and croaky.
"Well open your eyes then. I'll reward you with the sight of my devilishly handsome face."
Slowly and unwillingly I do as he asked and look at him.
My eyes feel swollen.
"You look like shit." Is the first thing he says.
"You smell like shit too." Is the second. "Did y- how long did you run for?"
"A while."
"A while being so long you were too messed up from the run you couldn't manage to get in a bath or a while being a normal person's idea of a while?"
I don't bother answering.
Leave me alone.
I want to stay in bed and pretend that this isn't happening.
Just a bit longer.
"I'll save the lecture for now." He tells me unhappily. "Stupid question but are you alright?"
"Fine."
My head hurts.
"Suure." He eyes me again. "I've run you – well, thought you up a bath and put the achy muscle potion thing in in the bathroom and you're going to go and de-stink.
By now I've past that limit and have been awake long enough that my delusion has ended.
I'm stuck back in reality.
Mindlessly, not really caring that I smell like shit and look worse I attempt to get out of bed but my throbbing, cramped up arms give out as soon as I put the slightest amount of weight on them and as soon as my head lifted off my pillow I felt dizzy.
As soon as I open my eyes and my vision focuses enough to look over at James I see his expression torn between concerned and furious.
"We left you alone because Adrian said you might need some time to sort your head out. I knew I should've come after you."
"Didn't want to talk."
"No, you just wanted to run yourself to death."
Sometimes I think that would be a better alternative.
"You could've hurt yourself!"
Too late.
"You've been here for over 4 hours."
Is that it?
"I'm going to carry you into the bathroom and dunk you."
"I'll be fine in a bit." I rasp.
He doesn't respond.
As he said he would, he drops me in the bath fully clothed, I can feel the effects of the bath potion on my overused muscles.
He hands me a bottle of water which I practically inhale while he sits next to the tub looking completive.
"Say something." He says after a minute of silence.
"Say what?"
"Actually talk to me, Mia."
I don't know what he wants to hear.
"You'd think there'd be a handbook on this stuff but what's the protocol for comforting someone who's blocking you out and isn't telling you what they think or feel?"
What am I supposed to say to the boy who's treated me better than anyone in my life ever has?
That I feel guilty for accepting him and his family and letting them accept me?
"You agree with her don't you?"
I don't turn my eyes away from the lightly rippling water.
"You can push everyone else out but I'm not going to accept you doing it to me." He warns. "I'll sit here for as long as it takes."
I don't respond.
We sit in silence for ages and eventually some of the fog lifts from my mind, however, not wanting to talk yet I let the silence continue until James' natural fidgety nature makes him too bored with simply tapping away on the side of the tub and re-heating the water every so often.
He pokes me.
"Do you agree with her?"
Is there any point in denying it?
"Yes."
"You agree that you're using Mum, Dad and me for our name?"
"Ye-" wait, what? "No!"
"Do we mean nothing to you?"
"No!"
"What do we mean to you?"
Everything.
You're all I have left.
I watch as my knee twitches.
"Mia? How do you feel about Mum, Dad, me, Lily and the boys?"
"I care about you all." I whisper, stomach rolling.
"So you're no using us?"
Am I?
Aren't I?
I don't want to be alone.
"I don't want to be alone."
"And that makes you feel like you're using us?"
Yes.
I nod once.
"You care about us but you feel like you're using us because we chose to accept you out of our own free will?"
My knee twitches again.
"Does being around us make you forget how much you love and care about your family and friends?"
"No. Yes."
"Do – huh?"
No!
I didn't want to say that.
"Why do you feel like that?"
"What are you, my therapist?" I snap.
"No, just someone who cares a hell of a lot about you." He says, tone not changing. "I care about you too, by the way." He adds with a cheesy grin.
That doesn't help.
"So explain." He says when I don't reply.
"The way you all treat me here makes me angry at them." I say reluctantly.
"Why?" He asks calmly.
I don't hear an ounce of judgement in his voice but that doesn't mean it can't change.
"Do you not like the way we treat you?"
"NO! I mean yes – untgh! I don't not like it." I mutter quickly.
"Theeeeeeen?"
Silence.
He pokes me again.
And again.
"I don't like being pushed out." He whines, pulling a pouty face. "You're hurting my feelings."
Fucks sake.
"You all treat me really well."
…
"Riiiiiiight and that makes you angry because…?"
"Because why is everyone here so accepting when the people I'd known my entire life before coming here never accepted me like you lot have."
Even my friends sometimes made me feel a bit out of it.
Even with Jamie and she wa-is my best friend – she was always more popular and was friends with everyone…sometimes I'd feel second best I always put her first and made sure she was okay.
Lily's always in my face about turning to her when I need her – when I had arguments at home, I couldn't even tell them the full extent of everything and I'd told you before we even really knew each other. I loved them – they were literally my world and they made me laugh so much – I just…"
"What?" James whispers.
I take a deep shaky breath focusing again on the ripples my shaking hands are causing.
James put his hand in the water to hold it comfortingly. I hold onto the feeling of being comforted and force myself to continue.
"I would never have let one of them go to a library alone when they were pissed out of their face. I'm glad they weren't there-" I rush to add "they didn't know I was going to be attacked but – I'd have gone with them…why didn't they want to go with me?"
I finally look up to James who's staring at me.
"Why didn't I mean enough to me? To any of them? I was never good enough and now – now I have so much I have to do and there's jus- I..I'm not good enough. I'm never good enough, James."
"You're good enough."
"I'm not, I-"
"You are." James insist, squeezing my hand like his Mum does. "You're good enough."
I'm not.
"I don't doubt that your friends love you, Mia."
I don't doubt that either.
"And I don't doubt that wherever they are, if you had let them they'd feel guilty for letting you go alone – isn't that one of the reasons you cast the spell?"
I nod accepting his point watching as a tear falls and disrupts the patterned rippling creating more ripples.
"But after over 5 years of being their friends I feel so connected to you lot so quick? They were mine, they were my family and now you're all mine and you're my family and I felt like that before I even knew if they were alive or dead?"
"Why shouldn't you?"
"It's not right."
"Why not?"
"I'd replaced them an-"
"You keep saying that. How have you replaced them?
"I've been here for 2 minutes and I love you all just like I loved them. I had my birth parents for 17 years and I wasn't even adopted for a day before I was thinking about why they couldn't have been more like Charlus and Dorea.
I hadn't even met you and already I had made comparisons between you and my brothers."
"Mia, it's not your f-"
"Don't you dare say it's not my fault!" I snap. "There were times when I hated – literally hated my parents, I had no respect for them, I resented them so much. Now I've replaced them. I've replaced them all and I hate myself for doing it and I – a part of me hates them for making it so easy."
"So you feel guilty?"
Nod.
"You have every right to be angr- no, you do." He insists when I go defend them. "Does caring about us make you love them any less? Do you miss them any less than if you were pushing us away? Think about it for a second before you answer."
After a few seconds I shake my head.
"You love them and miss them?"
I nod.
"Despite your anger would you give anything to have them back?"
I nod.
"And you l- you care about us?"
Nod.
"Can I ask you something?"
"When you were with your friends back then, would you have stopped yourself from making new friends?"
Confused, I shake my head.
"You said you considered your friends a part of your family – did that detract anything from the love you did and do feel for your biological family?"
"No." I whisper.
"So who says you have to replace them? Who says you have to keep us and them separate?"
I stare at him like he's speaking a foreign language.
I-I…
It takes me a second for reality to smack the idealist idea back out of my head.
"But…I – I'm never going to see them again."
He looks at me with a slightly cheeky expression on his face which confuses me some more. "I know you said you weren't ready for me to make sense when you first arrived but can we agree it's time now?"
The expression – both facial and verbal – is one that he uses often and usually makes me chuckle but this time I simply nod once.
"Maybe you're not going to see them again but if you care about us all, consider us all family then why does one have to take precedence over the other?" James asks logically. "Me being your brother doesn't detract from the fact you have two brothers – my being here for you, accepting you doesn't take away from that fact. Neither does you having extended family and circle of friends here."
He pats my head.
"I know you've struggled with having Mum and Dad adopt you as well, but that doesn't take away the place your parents had in your life – it just gives you stability and people you can always turn to."
But I want parents – I want to consider them parents…I just can't bring myself to say it to them.
Or deal with the guilt.
"I want to accept them as parents, James – Charlus and Dorea, but it's not as easy as accepting a brother or friends." It's true – I want that absence filled by them but I can't. "People can have however many siblings or friends but you only have one set of parents-"
"Says who?"
"What?"
"Who says you have to have only one set of parents?"
"It's – well, erm…it's just the way it is."
"Well fuck the way it is, rules were made to be broken, sis." He grins before becoming serious again. "All I know is that if I had a kid that me and it's Mum couldn't be parents to for whatever reason, then I hope they'd go to someone who they'd accept as having the same role so that they can have that stability and support. Any decent parent would."
"It hasn't even been a year. It shouldn't be this easy to do." I whisper.
"Easy? Mia, are you telling me the guilt you feel is easy to deal with? Are you honestly telling me that even with us the guilt isn't so strong it holds you back from letting yourself have something that would give you some semblance of happiness? You're miserable, Mia. You're so sad all the time and it's not fair. It's not fair on you and it's not fair on the people who care about you who know they can make some difference but who you don't let do so."
That makes me frown.
"It kills me that I can't do more for you and I know Mum, Dad, Remus, Lily, April and the boys all feel the same way. You know the people you love wouldn't have been that blind that they'd begrudge you that."
They wouldn't have.
They'd want me to be happy.
I think.
"Traitor."
"Your biological family could never accept you, we, your so called friends never really accepted you so do yourself a favour and don't expect the ones you've replaced us with to do so, either."
"But what about their voices?" I ask not realising I hadn't told him about them. "In my head."
The alarm my words caused are smothered quickly by a blank look.
"Voi-err…voices?"
Oh.
Mm…shit!
"Mia, what kind of voices?"
"It-it's not a big deal."
Too late.
"What. Voices?"
Shit.
I don't want to tell you.
"It's not what you think." I hedge, one last attempt at trying not to answer.
"Mia!" He almost yells. "Are you losing your mind? Can you hear the voices now?"
"They're voice I remember, not ones in my mind, James."
He still looks suspicious and panicky.
"I…" I take a deep breath and release it. "I have this nigh-dream where the people from home are say- they're angry …and stuff and saying I replaced them." I peek at James who's listening intently.
He inclines his head as if to say 'continue'.
"S-sometimes when I get close to someone. Mum, Dad, Lily, y- …anyone, my – I kinda remember them accusing me of replacing them, calling me a traitor and stuff."
"How long's that been going on?" James asks quietly.
I don't want to say.
Lie.
You're doing enough of that as it is.
"Pretty much on off since I got here."
"And you didn't tell me because?"
Because you deal with enough when it comes to me as it is.
"That's bullshit." He exclaims.
I need to get saying my thoughts out loud under control.
"You can come to me with anything."
I don't reply.
He turn my head by the chin to face him.
"If it were the other way around wouldn't you want me to be able to turn to you?"
Of course I would!
I nod.
"And would you get annoyed or impatient with me?"
No.
I shake my head.
"Why not?"
I feel like a child whose parent is trying to coax them into seeing something from an adult's point of view.
"Because you're my brother?"
"And you're my sister." He nods. "If I expect there not to be a limit to the amount of things I can turn to you with then it's only fair that it goes both ways."
His tone makes it clear he won't accept any counter arguments so I just nod yet again.
"Those voice aren't real, Mia." He tells me, his voice more gentle. "They were just a part of a nightmare. They wouldn't want you to think so little of them as to believe you'd genuinely think that."
I should know that.
I really should.
So why, is it that it's taken me up until James saying it for me to even entertain the idea?
However my mind struggles to accept it.
"But – but nightmares are a product of your subconscious… wha- maybe on some level I know that they-"
"You're not psychic and nor are you stupid so quit acting like your both."
"I'm not." I scowl getting annoyed.
"You are. These people may not have been perfect but the genuinely cared about you, right?"
Nod.
"So they'd want what was best for you?"
I hesitate slightly but nod.
They would.
"Is the best thing for you to carry on like this? Fighting off people's concern for you? Holding them at a distance because of them?"
"No."
"Then why are you doing exactly that and making yourself feel so guilty over it?"
"No one says you have to let go of them." He continues when I don't answer, referring back to his earlier point. "They're your family, no one expects you to…you're allowed to add to them."
He upturns my chin again.
"That includes Mum and Dad – if you want to accept them as that then that's your choice and they'll accept it as long as it's something you're truly ready for and if you don't, they won't be offended. It's all entirely up to you, Mia."
I don't say anything but he doesn't miss when I twitch at his words.
"You don't owe anything to anyone, you're not letting anyone down." He continues in a whisper. "You love them, you remember them. That's it."
My eyes shoot up to meet him.
I didn't know it.
Not until now.
But he's hit the nail on the head.
I've always been a disappointment.
That's what I'm afraid of.
I'm afraid of disappointing people who wouldn't even recognise me as their own if I was stood right in front of them.
Knowing this doesn't take away the guilt.
Or the fear.
…But maybe in time?
"Am I getting through or do I need to set Lily on you?"
I don't know.
"I don't kn- maybe."
"That's not the answer I'm looking for, Mi – you know, we really need to get you a nickname!"
That's like the fiftieth time he's said that – he's been pestering me to "hurry up and find out my patronus form".
Except it's not up to me when I do that, it's up to McGonagall.
But still.
It makes me quirk my lips slightly.
"I saw that." James grins.
"Can I trust that you'll be a good girl and listen to your big brother?"
I feel the usual pangs of guilt but I try to override it.
"Yeah." I smile.
It's only a small smile.
But it's genuine.
"That's a good girl. Time to get out of the bath."
My body's still sore but I'm able to move about – that doesn't stop James from carrying me back out as soon as he sees me wince.
Back in the room I'd collapsed in I see it's been transformed into the Gryffindor common room, he points at the fresh clothes, seems to realise I's ned to undress to get into them, pauses and waves his wand putting me in my smiley face pyjamas and we crash on the sofa – him lying back against the corner and me leaning back against his side facing the cold fireplace.
I love that James is as affectionate as he is, he's constantly hugging me, has his arm around me, links his arm with mine or guides me through crowded corridors with a hand on my back.
Remus is the same.
Lily too.
Even Sirius to a large extent is quite protective – just not in a touchy feely way.
For a while – 15 or 20 minutes – we sit and talk about random things until the door slams open.
"An hour? Is this your version of an hour?!" Lily shrieks as soon as she sets eyes on me. "Do you like worrying us?"
"Lily, calm down." James tries to placate her.
"Ca-calm down?" She sounds eerily like James when she says this.
Only higher pitched and more scary.
No offence to James.
"An hour, she said. An hour!" She fumes. "It's like she wants me to turn grey! Because that's what's going to happen, I'm going to go grey and it's going to be entirely your fault!" She points at me. "
I know she doesn't mean anything by the comment but it makes me feel guilty again.
"M'sorry." I repeat.
"I've already yelled at her if that helps." James adds.
She just looks at me for several seconds before her anger fades from her face entirely leaving only the concern and worry it stemmed from.
Lily sits down on the floor, grabs my hand and places it on her hair.
"I swear if you ever do this again, I'm…" She flounders for a moment while I play with her hair before she turns with narrowed eyes. "I'm telling your Mom."
I already know how she'd react.
She'd be disappointed and tell me off.
"Oooooh."
"Then I'll tell Mrs Weasley." She continues, ignoring James.
"Sorry." I whisper again as he "Oooooh"'s with even more intensity this time.
She'd tell me off and shout at me.
"And then I'm telling Remus."
I hate, hate, hate doing anything that Remus doesn't approve of. He just – he has this manner about him that is so protective and giving that you just want to do anything to keep him content and happy in return but when I do something he doesn't like and gets all protective over, like work out too much he doesn't like it and his mouth quirks down a bit.
It gives me the same sinking feeling as when Twinky's ears wilt.
"Sorry." It's the only thing I can think of to say.
"She went there."
My mind's still muddled.
"Shut up, Potter!" She glares at him before turning back around so that I can carry on playing with her hair.
"Everything she said was a bunch of-"
I keep my face blank. "I know. James kind of went on a rant for ages until I…"
"started to see the light." James supplies. "I don't mean my handsome face either. Well, not just my handsome face."
"I'm not going to let her set me back." I say honestly. "I'm not through it or anywhere near being through it but I'm not going to let her make all the ways I have been able to move forward be for nothing. I l-l…love you guys and I'm not going to push you away, regardless of it makes me heartless."
"It doesn't make you heartless." Lily and James say at the same time making them blush slightly and look at each other while I smirk.
"I'm alright, I just needed to work through my g…some stuff." I say when their little moment's over. "I'm not going to back out on my pinky swear." I say and direct the last bit to Lily.
"What pinky swear?" James asks, curious.
"Don't be so nosy."
"That we'd always turn to each other if we need someone."
Lily and I say at the same time.
"Be nice." I tell her and she sticks her tongue at me in response.
"Yeah, be nice, Evans." James retorts childishly and sticks his tongue out at her.
I feel proud of him for actually having started treating Lily like a normal person.
Not that he isn't still head over arse in love with her, of course.
"Bloody Potters." Lily mutters, her lips twitching.
"We might drive you potty," James begins.
"-but you can't help but love us." I finish, grinning and turn to James. "Seriously, that should be our motto."
Traitor.
His eyes go wide. "YES! That should be our motto!" James shouts excitedly. "Mum and Dad can have the old one and that can be our one! Clever Mia!" James pats me on the head, making me laugh.
"What's the family motto?" I ask.
"Puritas, dignitas, integritas et felicitas." James recites immediately in a perfect Latin accent.
Not that I know what a Latin accent sounds like…but he rolls the r's and I've been around the Indian language enough to know it's not butchered.
"Is that Latin?" Lily asks, interested.
"Yeah, 'purity, dignity, integrity and happiness'."
"It's beautiful." I say quietly.
"Yeah, it is." Lily agrees.
"Well we have one "beautiful" one and one best one ever! We drive them potty because we're Potters! That's hilarious!"
"I find your reaction funnier than the thing itself." I inform him, laughing.
He sticks his tongue out and gets up. "Right I'm going to the kitchen to get some food and bring it up to the common room, I expect you to be there when I get there."
Lily nods. "She will be."
"Good." He kisses my forehead and musses up Lily's hair. "Onwards and outwards, my two favourite girlies!" He declares before skipping out of the room.
"He's such a dork." She mutters looking at the door.
"That's true." I agree.
"Rik feels bad about today." Lily says matter of factly after a few moments of silence as she turns around and thinks up a cushiony leg rest to lean back on.
"What for?"
"Well, Marlene's targeting you because she sees him giving you attention." Lily starts and looks at me nervously to see if I react badly to the mention of Marlene.
I roll my eyes at her and she continues.
"Rik sees that and blames himself." She concludes.
"But that stupid."
Why's he being stupid?
"He's entitled to talk to whoever he wants without expecting his ex to go all psycho bunny boiler on his ass." I realise too late that the psycho bunny boiler is in fact Lily's friend. "Sorry, I know she's your best friend."
"She is." Lily muses quietly. "Would it be bad if I said she barely acts like the girl I first called my best friend? That since fifth year, I've not been able to handle her attitude long enough to be around her for huge amounts of times even though I still love her to death?"
I consider that for a moment.
Lily's one of the most stubborn, persistent and loyal people I know.
Even if I have known her for less than a year.
"Does she always talks down to you as though she's above you?" I ask.
Even when Marlene isn't hacked off at Lily for hanging around with me there are times when she talks to her as though she's dumb and immature.
Never have I wanted to punch anyone as bad as when she does that.
Lily nods slightly after hesitating.
Gryffindor loyalty.
It's a pain in the ass at times.
"Then no. It's bad enough that she talks to other people like that, friends are supposed to build you up, not tear you down." I tell her, leaning back against the tub.
"I love her to pieces that won't ever change and I really want the old her back. Lily says and fall into a moment of silent consideration. "You're more of a friend to me than she is. Even before she changed. You accept my thoughts and decision, you don't try to make me change things if I don't want to. I consider you one of my best friends, you know."
"Traitor."
"You're not fooling anyone, you heartless little bitch-"
"You don't deserve to be around people and you don't deserve to have people care about you because you're nothing but a traitor to them and in the worse way possible."
"Me?"
She nods.
"But I just thought – so soon -no don't get me wrong, I consider you my b - that too." I assure her hurriedly at her slightly hurt look. "I love you, Lils but you've been friends with these people for years, I just didn't think you'd class me up there so soon." And especially not with the way I was with her at first.
"They are my friends, I love them and that will never change." Lily muses quietly, trying not to look at self-conscious. "I - I don't mind that you have a best friend already..I'm just saying, I don't expect it to be mutual or anything. I- I feel like I can talk to you without feeling like you don't really want to listen, or like I'm annoying you."
"You don't annoy me." I assure her just as quietly "Well, only when you try to put me in skirts and stuff but yeah, at the same time I - it's alright, I suppose. You're one of my best friends too."
"Here anyway." Lily corrects under her breath.
She'd tried to cover it but her voice is slightly insecure and the tone slams through me.
I never meant to make her feel not good enough.
Along with the guilt is a rush of affection for her not trying to replace anyone.
"How could you replace us so easily? Get over your best friend so easily? You don't even know if I'm alive…you used to tell me I was like a sister to you." Jamie's voice echoes in my head but I push it away along with any guilt it brings.
"No." I say eventually, realising I was silent for too long and squeeze her hand. "You're one of my best friends full-stop."
We hug for a while before talking about less heavy topics such as why if I ever worry her like this again, she'd charm a broom to shove itself up my nostril and eventually, just as James demanded, we're back in the common room before him.
I don't want to hurt her anymore – I don't want to push her friendship away anymore.
But can I put everything and everyone from home aside enough to do that?
"Traitor."
I can try.
The night went on enjoyably as we all – quidditch team included – went up to James' dorm and had an impromptu last-day/night-of-the-school-year party and I ignore all heavy thoughts and instead focus on the people and laugher around me.
This lasts well on into the night and everyone decides to sleep wherever they land when they decide to go to sleep in this dorm.
"Mia, fancy being part of the end of year prank?" James whispers in my ear as Remus closes in on my other side and Sirius –It too – stands in front of me, closing ranks as everyone else chatters, drinks and generally has fun.
"Okay!"
