"You know I can see you right?" that was Mac looking back at me as I stood outside her hospital door. She was propped up by pillows flipping through a medical journal. I had been hiding behind the half glassed door, unsure of whether I should enter or not. I warily pushed the door open and stepped in. "Come closer, I won't bite …" she promised and I took a breath and moved forward. "It's good to see you …"
"You too." I admitted. "You look better." She did, anything above death looked better.
"You look like crap." Mac told me. I accepted it for the fact it was. "Was that me or her?"
"Her …" she was asking about the bruise.
"I'm sorry. I know she wouldn't have, if it wasn't for what I did." Mac apologized.
"Mmhmm" I nodded tight-lipped.
Mac sighed. "She loves you Holly. A fool can see that." She closed the magazine and frowned. "She would never intentionally hurt you. Even I can admit to that." Mac patted the space beside her and moved to sit on the bed. "I was told she had drugs in her system … bad drugs. We didn't see the signs and things got out of control. She didn't mean to hit you."
"But she did." I frowned.
"Forgive her." It was a command. "If I can find forgiveness. It should be a cakewalk for you."
"How can you?"
"I picked a fight and I got one." Mac smiled at that. "Those who start a fight and get more than they bargained for cant then claim to be a victim." She told me. "I'm not a victim. So don't you dare play one." She touched my hand then. "Maybe it's my near death experience giving me perspective but we both wanted your heart but Gail had it all along. I just refused to accept that."
"Thanks for not pressing charges .."
"I never planned to." Mac confessed. "I want you to be happy Holly. Allow Gail to make you happy. I will no longer stand in your way of happiness." I felt her squeeze my hand. "In fact, I won't even be here."
"Hmm?"
"I gave up my job, I'm going home to my parents … Alberta, for a while to rest .. Recuperate, sort out my life."
"Oh.." I nodded teary eyed. "Thank you."
"For what? Finally leaving?" Mac joked.
"No .. no" I smiled. "For the good times you brought to my life, cause there was some."
"There was …" Mac pulled me into a hug that made her wince and laugh all at once. "This is goodbye Holly." She said releasing me.
"I know…"
"Hey …" I said stopping by the detective's office in 15th Division. Tracey was there, her head bent as she tapped a pencil against her forehead as she read over a file.
"Oh … Hey …"She looked up and frowned slightly having seen the bruise. "What's up?" she said sliding over the obvious and not asking questions. I appreciated that, but I was sure Steve had filled her in on the details.
"Steve said to stop by …" I stepped into the office and leaned on the door jam. "He had something for me …"
"Hmmm, I don't know what…." her mouth twisted slightly as she spoke. "Let me call him." she suggested and used her pencil to punch in a numbers on the office extension.
Steve's phone line opened on the second ring "Hello?"
"Hey hun .." Tracey greeted.
"Trace …Hi. I can't talk now…" his voice was a mere whisper and his background was a little noisy. Two persons could be heard in the distance, the conversation was suggestive in nature and language. One of the persons sounded familiar. Gail? Trace looked up at me; it seemed she'd caught on too. We listened more keenly. It was Gail! "Make it quick..." Steve was saying. The background conversations moved to talks about unbutton shirts and lipstick kisses…
"I have Holly here. She said -" Tracey began and the background noise from Steve's end immediately died. You could now hear a pin drop.
"I'll be right around." Steve said before disconnecting the call.
"Wasn't that a little … hard to hear?" Tracey ventured looking up at me.
"Yes …" I agreed. It was exactly the type of conversation I had imagined was taking place between Gail and the red wigged lady who she had shared the booth with at the V Lounge. I had witnessed the conversation from a far, but my imagination wasn't naive. "I trust Gail." I told Tracey simply because relieving that I had tracked my girlfriend down and accused her of cheating was a conversation for another time. A time when it was a faded distant memory that could be laughed about with a round of beers. That time had yet to come.
"Still, I would wring Steve's neck, undercover or no undercover." Tracey said jokingly. "Lipstick stains on his shirt …some woman want to unbutton his shirt."
And that's when it hit me. The lipstick stain from Gail's shirt! "Holy Molly!"
"What?"
"Your double murder from a year ago, the new one that came in 5 days ago and Gail's case."
"Yeah?" Tracey wasn't making the connection.
"I think they are connected." I told her. "Let me see the report again."
"How?" she asked shuffling papers on her desk, before she produced the required file.
I quickly scanned through it. "By a red wig and a ruby red lipstick."
"Holly?" Steve called behind me.
"I think Gail's undercover case is tied to the murders from year ago and the one last week." I told him as he came into the room.
"How so?" he asked.
"Gail came home with a red lipstick stain on her shirt a few days back. It was from her assignment. I need to test it. I'm 95% certain it will match the one on the murder victim last week and I need the sample from the red wig ..." Steve raised a brow at me. "Don't ask how I know about the red wig … can you just get me a sample?" Steve remained silent and kissed his teeth lightly. He seemed troubled and unwilling to answer my question.
"Well can you get it?" Tracey asked. "It could help solve both my murder cases."
"It's going to interfere with my drug operation and we don't have enough evidence yet." he sighed and looked at his girlfriend. "I'm sorry …I'm going to have to ask you to put your case on hold for now."
"You're sorry?!" Tracey was aghast. "This woman could have committed three murders! We have to bring her in if the evidence matches!"
"Honey I know, but this operation is important. We've been trying to get this cartel for years. We're finally close."
"What about the three murder victims?"
"Their already dead!" he snapped. "They can wait a few more weeks! I've been on this case for years. I'm finally going to be able to bring down their entire operation and get them off the streets for good. How could you deny me that opportunity?"
"I can't believe you are being so selfish! All you are thinking about is how this will make your career look good!" Tracey shouted storming out, she slammed the door in her wake and I was left there to awkwardly face Steve.
"Steve .. I'm so…"
"Don't! Holly! Just don't! " His pale features had gone red as he glared at me. "Didn't you fuck over your relationship enough already?" he accused. "Now you gotta hurt mine too?" his normal clam demeanor was gone as he paced before me. "How am I going to fix this?" he was talking to himself as he stared at the door Tracey had just stormed through. Steve sighed and closed his eyes for a moment before he opened them slowly. "Against better judgment. I'm giving you this …" he reached into his jacket pocket and produced an envelope before he handed it to me and walked out of the room.
I gazed at the envelope for a long time … My name was clearly scribbled on it with the handwriting that was distinctly Gail's…. Carefully I peeled back the flap as I took a seat at Tracey's desk and read the three page letter…
Holly,
Let me first be clear that I've never written a letter before … much less a letter to a loved one. So I want you to take this for what it is. A poorly drafted scribble of mixed tenses and incomplete thoughts. There is so much I want to say … that I need to say to you but I feel like schooling as failed me somehow because I don't know how to say, what needs to be said. I don't know how to articulate what I need you to understand.
So as you read this and it's filled of things I want to say but don't have the right words to express them and feelings I want to convey but don't know how to write them. Please remember one thing …. I love you… I love you Holly because that I can say, with the simplest of words, the clearest of mind and the fullest of hearts. I love you…
I remembered …
It was bits and pieces at first, scattered fragments that felt out of reach, but I now remember most of it and what I couldn't Steve filled in the blanks. I am sorry …So sorry and yet I know it's not enough.
I was reckless, my actions unwarranted. I put you in harms way… I made myself a danger and you got hurt by me. I'm so sorry Holly. I could cast the blame on the drugs and disregard it as one drugged episode that would never happen again and it won't happen again. I can promise that but I know its making you question things about me .. about us. How could it not? I know its making you scared … unsure. I know it's causing you to loose faith. Please don't loose faith in us…
I need you to have faith.
I've seen the damaged I caused to both you and Mackenzie. Steve showed me the pictures. At first I was in disbelieve and in blind denial that I could cause such … carnage, but I've now come to accept it. I admit to it. I hurt you. I'm too proud to blame the drugs. I know I hurt you.
I never wanted to hurt you.
I took my hands and caused pain. Hands that have only ever wanted to hold you close and keep you safe. Hands that want nothing more than to caress you with the softest of touches and want to excite your emotions and stir your desires. I want us to get back to a time when I could run my fingers across your lips to part them with the invitation of a kiss, move a fallen strand that's blocking your vision and touch the cutest nose I've ever seen. I want you to want my touch. Not fear it …which you surely must do now. I don't know how we are going to fix this, but I want to try. We'll figure it out, somehow. Together we can work it out but I need you to understand I will never hit you again, unintentional or otherwise.
I will never use my hand to harm you.
I'm sorry I hurt Mackenzie. I know she's in the hospital because of what I did. I never meant to physically assault her. It was never my intention to hit her. I don't usually resolve conflicts with violence. I'm praying that she makes it through this, not just to save my own ass .. There is that, but I honestly don't want her to die. No matter our differences when it comes to you. A life shouldn't be lost because of it. Not that you aren't worth dying for ….
I'd die for you …
I just want her to be okay, because if she's not, how can we? How do I ask you to love me still if I take away the one other person you ever truly loved? How can I expect you to forgive me of that? So I hope she will be ok. I've prayed that she will be. If she's out of your life I hope it's because you walked away from her and not because I took her from you.
Please don't want away from me.
I'm still the me, who wants to be with you. I'm still the girl who ran from a baseball, played dress up in a coat closet. Danced like crazy at a wedding. Got jealous over a random date and kissed you senseless in a dimly lit interrogation room. The only thing that has changed is that I have loved you more and more with each passing day. This is not the end Holly. I'm still too much in love; I still get a silly smile on my face when I think about you. Through it all I always wanted you.
I want you.
In such a short time you have become everything that I could want and more. You're my whole life, my whole world. Holly. It's like God sent you in those woods to save me that day. I'd been lost, abandoned and unchained from my life. I needed saving.
You saved me.
I was only half of who I was meant to be before you. You made days better .. brighter there is sunshine in your grace. The nights with you are longer and more peaceful. I found peace in your presence. I need you for the days of doubts because looking in your eyes brings a certainty to my often troubled soul.
God gave me you. I need you.
I know you're worried, but this is just another bend in this crazy beautiful relationship of ours. I'd gladly take the crazy if it means being with you, because you make me feel, you make me believe, you make me dream, you make me love. I've never loved the way I love you.
I love you Holly.
So I'm asking you to wait. Please wait for me. I'm working hard to come home to you.
Love
G.
