Note: I have this horrible, sinking feeling that I'm forgetting some big, important event… so this chapter might be heavily edited later. It's not my longest chapter but it's longer than the last, so I guess that's good. It took up 26 pages in my little notebook, so I'm a little disappointed it only translated into 7 in MS word! I think the writing's shaking around the end but, this hasn't really been proofread… Sora doesn't sound too much like how I usually write him. I think Riku (or, my twisted interpretation of him) kept slipping through for some reason. Roxas's characterization sucks. Just a warning.

But anyway… I just wanted this up on FFN as quickly as possible. FFN's weird formatting really messed with chapter 28... I hope it doesn't do that with this chapter too.

So… yeah. Enjoy.

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Chapter 29
(Sora's POV)

I'm glad that at least the summer ended on a good note for Riku and I. He was around a lot at the end of summer, teaching me to swim, and he's hardly going out anymore. We're inseparable again.

There's just one little problem.

I think Riku gets mad at me when I choose to hang out with Roxas instead of him. He's so possessive and that never doesn't strike me as weird. Jealousy doesn't seem very "Riku". Maybe it's because of the times Roxas slept over and I'd kick Riku out of the bedroom so Roxas would have a place to sleep.

But whatever.

I really can't concentrate on that. I don't want to.

The first day of school sneaks up on everyone, but it ends up being surprisingly easy. In my first period class I look around absently hoping to find some friends. Any. I know a few of my classmates from last year. There are going to be a lot of jackasses in this class it looks like… fun, fun. The guy I danced with at the semi-formal last year takes the seat behind me and we chat idly until the door opens one last time.

"Roxas!" I shout. Okay, I guess that wasn't necessary. I'm surprised no one's staring. He waves bashfully, probably embarrassed by the attention.

"Hey," Is his delayed reply.

"You look tired." I note as he sits in the seat in front of mine.

"I am." He shrugs and turns around. "I got too used to sleeping in till noon."

"Me too." I laugh, but he doesn't. "…Yeah. You don't know how happy I am to see you." He grins and shrugs.

--

Riku and I have a class together.

Health studies. I'm stoked. It's automatically my favorite class now, and the only one worth sitting through. At the beginning of class, the teacher explains the assigned seating, and how that's going to work. We're going to rotate four times throughout the term. The first time is by first name. R, S. Riku and I sit together. Second time is by last names. Hart. Imakura. We're next to each other. After that, birthdays. There are no September birthdays, so Riku and I are together again. It couldn't have worked out better if it were planned. In fact, it's such a funny coincidence that when she announces that the last rotation we'll be arranged by middle names… mine starts with A, and I tell the teacher that. She writes it down. Riku says, "Mine starts with B." We're simply greeted by an incredulous, raised eyebrows look. "…Okay, I lied. It starts with N." A few people sitting by us laugh, and Riku does too. He's really seeming better.

The year is looking up already.

Maybe turning seventeen changed him. Maybe he's realized he needs to set his priorities straight for his senior year.

And I'm starting to think that I may have overreacted to Riku's drinking. I mean, he had nearly three years of work to make up in less than ten months. He needed a break. I spent all summer either at the beach or at the mall with Kairi, plus camp… I guess we just have different ways of letting loose. I'm just glad that it's all over, that he's not acting so freaking scary. I shudder, recalling the icy stares, the yelling… and all the while I was just so worriedabout him. I hate worrying. It's not like me and normally I think it's a waste of time. And I think it almost tore us apart. One night, he basically picked a fight with me, went out for about ten thousand hours, then came home and tried to kiss and make up without even offering an apology or any acknowledgement that he was being a butthead.

And I do wish it hadn't been drugs. I think all of that stuff is so wrong… the impression that I've gotten from him is that the people he does that kind of stuff with are so damaged that I don't think it's good for him… he's not totally better yet and those people aren't helping. No matter how much he insists that everyone's different and I'm just stereotyping and assuming they're all basket cases… I don't know.

At least it's all behind us now. I've even invited him to move back into my room.

--

Right after dinner, Riku stands up, pushing in his chair and setting his plate in the sink. He stands behind his chair, tapping his fingers.

"Yes…?" Dad says.

"I'm going to go out." Riku says carefully, looking at Dad. Oh God. Not this again. "Just for an hour or so. …Is that okay?"

"Where are you going?"

"Just for a walk." Dad seems wary. "I promise."

"…One hour."

It's eight when Riku leaves.

It's eleven when Riku gets back.

I can hear him and Dad arguing in the next room really clearly, and the house has thick walls. "I'm sorry." Riku says. "I lost track of time and I missed the last bus…"

"I gave you an hour! You should have been back." Dad replies. "You shouldn't have gone so far that you risked not coming back on time." There's a lull. "You can't do this anymore."

"I said I'm sorry!"

"Your curfew is nine."

"…What?"

"I've let you be completely free and you've proven that you need stricter rules. You've failed proving yourself trustworthy time and time again."

"I wasn't doing anything wrong. I wasn't getting drunk."

"That's not the point!"

"God. Fuck you!" Riku's really loud now. I don't have to struggle to hear.

"Riku."

"Fuck you!" The door slams and Riku barges in; I scramble into bed and act as if I didn't hear a thing.

"What's wrong?" I ask him innocently. He says that nothing's wrong and he's going to bed. That's more like him. But I still can't help but worry after he exploded like that. "I love you so much." I tell him, sliding under the covers. He groans. I kiss his forehead, blurting: "I'm sorry about your curfew." He shoots up like a rocket.

"What?"

I blush crimson. I don't know why. "I overheard some stuff."

"…God."

"Riku?" He storms downstairs. I can hear him stomp down every step. Well, damn.

I should have seen that coming. At least by now I'm used to sleeping alone!

--

At school the next day I'm tired and sluggish. I must've woken up every hour last night. I'm talking to Roxas in the hall, half-asleep against my locker when someone starts screaming.

HOLY CRAP.

That woke me up… We both jump and I grab Roxas's arm automatically. I vaguely recognize the guy, yelling at someone just behind a locker or something. I think his name is Chris. I've seen him making out with his boyfriend a thousand times around campus.

Well, I guess they're breaking up.

Very, very publicly. And loudly.

After all of his yelling I can hear the other guy start, and they're really going at it for a few minutes. I'm surprised no administrators are here yet. After what feels like hours, Chris finally starts yelling again, concluding with, "You weren't even that good in bed!" No one even blinks at the statement, acting as if this is totally normal.

I ask to no one in particular what that was all about and a girl quietly replies that they do this every so often. That she's known them both very casually since Middle School.

"Sora!" Chris says. His voice is kind of hoarse, but his hint of a stereotypical lisp is present. How does he know my name? "Eat lunch with me today?"

"Uhh…"

"By the tree where you used to eat with your boyfriend?"

"Err…"

"You two still together?"

"Um, yeah…"

"Awesome. Good for you." I shoot Roxas a half-horrified, half-apologetic glance before ditching him, literally dragged off by Chris. This is going to be a long day.

--

During lunch, Chris doesn't stop talking for one second. Selphie, Kairi, and everyone else are here too, considering we kind of stole their spot. It feels nice to be eating with them again, really. Even though Tidus keeps shooting me dirty looks. Probably for bringing a….guest. Either way, it's all good. I've spent most of my time with Roxas lately, and I haven't even seen Tidus and Wakka since the end of last year. It's nice to be around them again. In fact, I think I see him more than I see Riku. But… jealousy aside, Riku's coping pretty well, I always joke…

Or… maybe he's not so well.

A few nights later, when I go up to take a shower, I notice that we're totally out of soap upstairs. I head to the guest room that Riku sometimes takes and into that bathroom. Bingo. It's full of soap, but as I grab one bar, the rest tumble out to reveal… what a surprise, alcohol. Well, at least it's not cocaine this time. I accept it dully, feeling oddly guilty to once again be the one who finds his stash and gets him in trouble.

…And it appears that Riku pretty much sees it that way, too. He's super pissed off at me. He ends up with kitchen-cleaning duty tonight and probably for the rest of his life, and is none too pleased about this whole thing. While Dad's in his room, I head downstairs. I know Dad didn't want me to try to help… that Riku's being punished… but…

"Hey, Riku." I say. He glares at me. I shiver, picking up a mop and getting started on the floor. Riku murmurs something that I don't quite catch.

"What was that?" I play it up really sweet and cutesy because I feel so bad. He doesn't buy it.

"Stop it." He repeats, louder.

"…What?"

"Goaway."

"I'm really sorry for getting you grounded. But… I just want to help you. You know that right? We really, really care about you."

"Go the hell away." He continues scrubbing at the counter mindlessly, never looking up at me. "It's your goddamned fault I can't get any privacy around here." I shrug, wanting more than anything to say something about how he shouldn't have started drinking in the first place but I bite my tongue. I set the mop and prepare to leave, gently running my fingers through his hair once.

He punches me.

…What the?! "Riku!" In one swift movement he throws the sponge in the sink and grabs my shirt collar.

"For once in your life… go the fuck away. Leave me the hell alone. And mind your own goddamned business… your pity makes me sick." He's turned me into a stuttering mess. I bet my face is red where he hit me.

"I--I… I'm sorry." I swallow hard, almost wanting to cry. He's actually scaring me. "Dad--"

"You both can shove it." I don't know why I brought him up in the first place; or maybe I was calling for him so he could save me from being killed at the hands of my boyfriend.

I forgot how stupid Riku can make me feel.

"…Riku, come on. Please…" He hits me again; I was expecting that even less than last time. "Dad!" I shout. Riku and I start yelling at each other, starting with variants of, "what's wrong with you?" He takes another swing at me and I dart behind the couch, yelling for Dad again. I could probably take Riku if I tried. But… the idea of fighting back has always bugged me. Dadfinally comes out of his room once Riku chases after me. Fine timing too… I can't dodge him anymore. He once again has me by the shirt collar, grip only loosening when he sees Dad. I take the opportunity to free myself, hiding behind Dad as he tries to calm the hysterical, swearing, and shouting Riku down. I go upstairs and lock myself in my room. I'm shaking. But at least I don't feel like I'm going to cry anymore.

But I feel so overwhelmed… I hate Riku. I hate him, he disgusts me, but I feel bad for him. And why? He's a total ass, and Zakku was right. He does these things to himself. But… he wouldn't do this for no reason, would he? He's suffering. That's always what I believed his motivation was: he lashes out in fear and anger, because it momentarily soothes his pain. Even through the jokes and smiles… I don't think that sadness ever went away. There's something seriously up with him. Obviously. So I'm going to have to be a good boyfriend; I'll just suck it up, smile and take it, love and support him. Once he's off drugs for good he'll get better. Dad and I just need to get him to that point where the real healing can begin. The damage, the root of his problem has been ignored for way too long now.

I'm glad it takes Riku a long time to get upstairs. I've calmed down, and he has too. He doesn't apologize… he just says, "I really want to get some sleep."

I say, "Okay." Hating myself just a little for not telling him off. But I know I'm better for holding back.

It blows my mind that after that whole display earlier Riku still kisses me before getting into bed. I don't know whether to be annoyed or relieved. And the worst part is that I kiss back, wrapping my arms around him and pressing my body up against his. He's gotten really thin, pale too. He looks almost as unhealthy as he did when we first met. I close my eyes so I don't see him and think about it, only concentrating on us. He pushes me gently onto the bed and crawls on top of me, kissing up and down my neck. But I don't want that now… I don't want playing or teasing, I just want him. I connect our lips, loving every moment of his affection. Our make out sessions are getting rarer and rarer.

Sometimes when I see happy couples in the hallway I want to smack them.

I absently think of Chris, then fall asleep.

--

Riku and I both wake up at 3AM. I don't know why. Immediately we're kissing, hands wandering everywhere and limbs tangled. As we shift around, signing and moaning, I'm taken over completely by instincts I never even knew I had. I push myself against him, suddenly hating how thick and constricting our pajamas feel. He gasps and grunts as I roll on top of him. I pause, waiting for some kind of signal to either stop of keep going. He doesn't resist, so I keep going. The clothes are getting even more frustrating. I really, really just want to get the access to his body. I do what I can with what he's giving me until my body demands Ido something. This is it. I can't take it anymore. "Riku, please…" I pant, pleading hoarsely.

"Do it." At first I think I heard him wrong but he says it. I nod even though I know he won't see, before yanking down his pants, then mine. My boxers are down by my knees and I'm about to get at his. Man, I've wanted this for so long, wanted him to do me, to love me… but he says suddenly, "Wait. Stop."

"…Oh. Uh… sure. Alright." I climb off him, pulling on my clothes and feeling like a total moron. Thanks a lot, Riku. "Whatever you want." He apologizes.

"Don't be pissed…" He says. "I just… am not ready. Sorry." But he doesn't mean it. And I don't mean it when I say it's alright. That everything's okay. No hard feelings... "But… hey, if you want to…" I shrug.

"Nah, I'm fine." I get up, ignoring Riku when he asks me where I'm going and if I'm mad at him. I really just need a cold shower, even if it's almost 4 in the morning and I have school tomorrow.

When my alarm goes of at 6 AM, we're both exhausted. It takes all of my will to get up and dress. All morning Riku and I bounce ideas of ditching school off each other. "Let's just miss our stop," I say as we board the bus. "Wait a while, then go get some coffee."

"Okay." He replies, playing along. When we get to our stop I get up... but Riku doesn't.

"Riku?"

"What?"

"Come on! We're going to be late."

"...Oh." Oh. He thought that I was being serious. He looks disappointed for a moment, but the look vanishes as quickly as it came. I guess fair is fair... I mean, I thought I was going to get some last night.

--

At the end of the day I'm prepared for an uneventful health class... but that's not what I get.

You're not mad at me, right? Riku writes in a note and passes it over to me.

No way! I pause, thinking of something else to add. Why would I be mad at you?

For what happened last night.

I'm over it, Riku. I hesitate handing him the note. It makes it sound like I was mad at him at some point, but I never was. While he's reading it I pass another note. No big deal.

Okay. Thanks. For what? I'm about to ask him when I suddenly feel his hand resting on my knee, right over mine. I smile at him quickly, looking back at the white board before the teacher tells us to pay attention.
His hand snakes between my thighs, rubbing me carefully and gently. I rapidly scrawl out, What are you doing?! When he doesn't even look at the note I write more. Are you crazy? He reads it and grins, hand against my groin now, moving faster. I can't believe this is happening.
Is it?

Am I going to wake up in a few minutes, panting and sweating? Oh Christ.
Riku has the decency to stop before it gets serious and writes, We'll pick this up later, okay?I look at him and nod. He smiles, putting his hands back up on the desk, where I can see them and they aren't so dangerous.

--

Riku's been going out more and more and it really scares me. I finally confide in Roxas. He's the only person I trust enough to tell these things. I tell him about my Mom, Riku's drug problem, running away... everything. I spill my guts to him the weekend before my birthday. I'm sobbing the whole time. I don't know why.

"...And my Mom never stopped drinking! All she'd do was get drunk and hang out with her newest boyfriend. Whenever she'd talk to me she'd just pick, pick, pick at every little thing I did... she'd call me names: Stupid, queer, useless. She was cold and unpredictable and the worst part is that now Riku's heading down the same dead-end loser path. Fuck!" He's quiet. I continue. "I just miss my old friends, Donald and Goofy... I know they wouldn't be able to help, but I haven't seen them in way too long and they haven't been writing me.

I guess I should be glad to have my Dad around, but he's gone all the time! I mean, with everything going on he's home more often but he's still a major workaholic. I wish he could work from home like your Dad does, Roxas." I gasp and continue. "And I miss Sandy, too. I could always talk to her... I haven't seen her in months. I think she and Dad are going to break up. And while all this is happening, I won't get to see my family for the holidays this year. Dad doesn't want them getting involved or getting worried. God! What about me and what I want? And I have a project due Monday, too. God, I hate school! But at least the kids there don't beat me up and call me a faggot! Oh, and to top everything off, Chris won't stop clinging to me and it's getting so irritating!" I bawl until I get a headache and have to lay down. Roxas lays a tentative hand on my shoulder.

"It's going to be okay." He says. "You need to tell your Dad how you feel. Call up Sandy. Either break up with Riku or get him sent to rehab. I can help you with your project. You can write Donald and Goofy. And... please tell me his parents didn't really name him that."

I laugh a little despite myself, sniffling. "It's not... it's just what we call him because of his last name." He grins before becoming serious.

"I'm really sorry that your life sucked. But you've come so far... everything is going to work out. You deserve it."

"Thanks."
But because of the look in his eyes... I can't help but wonder who he's talking about: me, or himself.

"And at least your nickname isn't Goofy." And I laugh again, even though it's a jab at my friend. I guess it's just nice to know that no matter what I have at least one really good, reliable friend. Even if, I now notice, he's never told me anything about his own past.