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Chapter Twenty-nine – Two Steps Back Into a New Direction

Breakfast the next day was later than normal but no one minded. No one was awake to mind. So, it was more like brunch when they finally got downstairs for scrambled eggs and French toast.

Emmett squeezed so much ketchup onto his eggs that when he mixed it all up, the eggs went pink.

"That's disgusting," Rose told him as she sipped coffee.

"It looks like brain," Nessie said, her head to one side.

"Nessie, not at the breakfast table," Carlisle said. "If anything it looks more like a tumour."

"Carlisle!" Esme said, nudging her husband with her hip as she passed him to sit down. "Enough, everyone, eat don't play."

"Jazz, can you past me the toast, please?" Nessie asked.

Jasper passed the plate, nearly dropping it when he saw her arm. She followed his eye line from his face to her arms. "Mom and Dad won't let me wear my gloves at the table," Nessie said.

"Sorry, didn't mean to stare," Jasper became flustered not knowing what to do. A year on, the scars were silvery bands, knotted and ragged, around Nessie's wrists. No longer red and angry looking, they were never the less still disturbing to see. To imagine what happened to her to create them. The track marks had long since faded as Nessie had not used morphine since she had beaten the addiction.

"Its okay, Jasper. I should have worn longer sleeves, sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable." Nessie put her hands in her lap. Under the table, out of sight.

"No! Nessie! It doesn't – I'm not uncomfortable." He pulled up his own sleeves to reveal brawny arms covered in scars. He had never worn short sleeves before, but being Forks it didn't stand out so she had never thought about it.

Nessie cradled his arm in one hand, stroking the scars with the other. There was something about them that differed from the scars James had given her when he had cut her. It took her a moment to figure it out. "You did this to yourself?" she asked. It was as though no one in the room existed but her and Jasper.

He smiled sadly, covering her hand with his to hold it to his marked arm, the raised scars pressing into her skin. "I wanted to get the bad out. Drugs let me forget it for a while, but it didn't get rid of what was inside me."

"What was inside you?" Nessie asked.

"The same thing that is still inside me," Jasper said, "just me. I've always been my biggest problem."

"I'm my own worst enemy," Nessie quoted softly.

Jasper nodded and took his hand of her. Nessie let go of his arm and sat back, looking at her own scars. All of a sudden, they didn't bother he quite as much as they used to. She still hated them, they were still signs of how weak she had been, had controlled by James she had been. But they weren't a symbol of her self-loathing like Jasper had to see every time he looked at his arms.

"I didn't mean to upset you," Jasper said quietly, seeing her carefully blank expression and misinterpreting it as distressed.

"I'm not upset, Jazz, I'm fine," she said, squeezing his arm reassuringly.

"There was probably a better time than the breakfast table in front of everyone," Jasper said ruefully, shaking his head.

"Timing rarely works out when you're trying to comfort someone," Nessie said, smiling at him, her bangs falling into her eyes. She brushed them away with a gentle brush of her fingers.

The rest of breakfast was a little strained with no one knowing what to say, but soon enough it was over and they dispersed to get ready for the day and when anyone bumped into each other again they were all fine again. Apart from the young redhead woman struggling with herself upstairs...

Upstairs, Nessie was sat on her bed, running a finger round and round the cuff of one glove, staring out of the window. March 20th to May 24th – the bad period. Last year, abduction. This year, more curve balls than she could face thinking about. Soon though, soon it would be over. The first anniversary would be behind her. It had to be over. She just had to keep going, keep remembering that even during the hard times there were good days. Like yesterday.

Today was not such a good day. Today she would talk to Rosalie about Royce. She had to. It had been eating her up inside for weeks and she needed to know.

She needed some Dutch courage but all she had was regular straight forward Nessie courage. Not that that was up to much. Still she had to try.

Going downstairs she found Emmett and Rosalie on the sofa. The football was on but they were too interested in each other's lips to pay attention.

"Sorry," Nessie said, chickening out when they heard her and sprang apart. "Didn't mean to interrupt, I just wanted to get a drink." Her throat was dry.

"No, it's cool," Emmett said. "We can watch TV."

"Actually, I was hoping to talk to Rose. Upstairs?" Nessie said, looking at the blonde.

"Oh, okay." Rosalie slid off the sofa, looking confusedly at Emmett. "That's cool. I'll be right back." She gave Emmett a kiss and let Nessie lead the way to her room on the fourth floor.

Emmett sat smiling smugly at the TV. Nessie had had problems with Rose but he was confident that they would sort them out. A little girl talk and it would all be fine.

Upstairs, Nessie closed the door and led Rose to the sitting area. There was little furniture – a sofa, a couple of easy chairs, a pile of books in one corner. Nessie sat on one of the chairs in her standard position – protective ball with her knees drawn her to her chest with her arms wrapped around her legs and her chin resting on her knees. Rose settled herself gracefully in the middle of the sofa, still unsure of what was going on.

Not liking to be on the back foot, Rosalie opened the conversation. "So, what's up?"

Nessie did not look at her for a long while. "I know you think I don't really like you. And it's true, I don't." Rose was hurt but forced herself to remain composed. "But not for the reasons you think. When I first met you I didn't like you because I thought you were beautiful and cold. But then, I couldn't hate you because I knew you weren't cold – you wouldn't take care of Jazz the way you do if you were."

"So, why don't you like me now?" Rose asked, keeping her voice from wavering.

"Because you're cheating on Emmett with a guy named Royce."

Rose looked like Nessie had slapped her. She reared back and the blood drained from her face. "I see."

"I hear you and Jazz talking the morning we went to Seattle. I'm guessing you were talking about Royce King Junior, son of Royce King Senior, the Senator."

"Yes," Rose said quietly. She looked down at her hands.

"What are you going to do?"

She looked up, her eyes brimming. "I don't know."

"Are you going to end it?"

"Which it? The 'it' with Royce or the 'it' with Emmett?"

"Pick one."

"I don't want to," Rose said miserably.

"Why are you doing it?"

"I don't know," Rose said, throwing up her hands. "My parents introduced us last year, before we left Texas. I didn't hear from him for months, but then he turned up out of the blue, here in Forks. Said we could try it – he's new money and needed a girl from an old family. I had only just met Emmett; I didn't really know how I felt about him. My grandmother told my parents and suddenly they're calling again, telling me to go for it. I don't see him that often, he's usually in Texas, working in his father's office."

"Why you, though? If he only wants a girl, if it's not love, why make so much effort?" Nessie asked.

Rose gave a bitter laugh. "Because he's never met anyone as beautiful as me. He's says we're a very photogenic couple. The press would love us."

"The king and his stunning queen," Nessie said softly.

"Pretty much," Rose sniffed. "I don't know how it all happened. I wasn't going to. I never meant it to go this far, not with Emmett. But I can't end it."

"Why not?"

Rose shrugged – the least delicate movement Nessie had ever seen her make. "Because I realised I loved him. I came here one day intending to break up with him and I lost my virginity to him instead."

"Whoa," that surprised Nessie. "You were a virgin before you met Emmett?"

Rose nodded. "Back home, cameras are on you all the time. Any girl that puts out is instantly labelled a slut. What with Jazz's drug habit Mom and Dad couldn't take anymore bad press. It became a challenge for men. See who could get into my pants." Tears slid down Rose's cheeks.

"Why the hell would you want to go back to that?" Nessie asked. "Why would you want to go back to be putting on a pedestal like that, a plaything for everyone else to use as they needed?"

"Because I was adored," said Rose. "I'm not like you or Alice or Bella or your Mom. I like being adored. I need it. I'm not strong enough to be disliked."

"I better there are people back there that dislike you," Nessie said.

"Yes, but not to my face. Even with Jasper's cocaine and heroin addiction, I was still the Bell of the Ball, the most beautiful, the one that would make everyone forget the rest of the rumours about my family."

"And that's why you're dating Royce? For your family status?" Nessie said disdainfully.

"Nessie, you don't understand," Rose said earnestly. "My family isn't like yours – for the Hales children are commodities to be invested in then traded where they will have the most return."

"You mean your parents hold love hostage in exchange for social prestige. Which is why they won't call Jasper – he has no value for them." Nessie felt sick – no wonder Jasper used drugs.

Rose nodded. "I love Emmett, I do, but Royce can give me something Emmett can't: my family."

"It won't last forever." Nessie told her it straight. "Your parents won't stand beside you when you're unhappily married to the wrong guy. And what about Jasper and Alice? How are you going to deal with them? Drag him kicking and screaming back to Texas? He'll come back for her. And then what? How the hell are you two going to deal with being in-laws when Emmett is the one that got away for you? Or your biggest regret – the guy you didn't end up with."

"Nessie, please stop!" Rose begged. She had thought about this but it was worse having someone else say it. Every day it got harder and harder. Every day she fell more and more in love with Emmett. "I'm not good for him. He's needs someone else. Someone who will choose him over wealth and society."

"And that person isn't you?" Nessie said, finally beginning to understand.

"No," Rose said. "As much as I love Emmett, I love myself more."

"I guess there's nothing else to say." Nessie stood up and stalked to the door, Rose trailing miserably behind. Nessie flung the door open and stood next to it so Rose could leave. "Oh, and by the way, Rose?" Rose turned to look at her. "You're a crappy liar." With that Nessie slammed the door in Rose's face.

Outside, Rose leant against the wall, trying desperately not to let the tears fall. Once she felt she had it under control, she made her way shakily down the stairs to the living room. Emmett was still on the sofa watching football. "Hey, babe," he said, when he heard her.

"Em?" she said quietly. "I feel kind of ill. I'm going to go."

Emmett looked up at her. When he saw her he leapt over the back of the sofa to get to her, gently taking her face in his hands. "Babe, Rose, what's wrong? You look pale. Did Nessie –"

"No, Nessie didn't upset me. I was feeling rough so we didn't talk," Rose lied smoothly. Nessie is wrong, Rose thought. I'm a great liar. To Emmett.

"Well, come here." Emmett pulled her into an embrace. "Do you want to see Dad? Or should I take you home?"

"It's not enough to go to hospital," Rose said. "It's just a bit of a headache, I didn't sleep well last night. I'm going to go home and have a lie down. I'll see you later." She kissed his cheek but he did not let go. Instead he looked at her, confused.

"Rose, I'm driving you home," Emmett said. "What did you think I would do? Wave you off and hoped you got home okay? Come on, let's go." He took her hand and gently guided her to the car.

Royce would have. I had a headache on our date and he put me in a taxi so he could keep drinking with those friends of his. Rose recalled those friends. Like Royce, they were all sons of Senators and the like. With power and money they thought they were invincible. Just thinking about them still sent shivers down her spine.

"Here," Emmett took of his sweater and wrapped it around her, thinking she was cold.

"I love you," she said. She did not know how long she could say it before he didn't believe her. Before she had to break his heart. But she needed to say it. Because no matter what happened, it was Emmett she loved. He just was not the one she could choose.

Emmett smiled at her and kissed her. "I love you, too, babe."

He drove her home then walked her to her room, tucking her into bed and getting her a glass of water. "Call me if you need anything, okay?"

"Okay," she nodded.

"Where's Jasper?" Emmett said, wanting someone at home with her.

"He's with Alice...somewhere." Rose couldn't remember where he had said they were headed. "I think they went for a walk."

"Okay," Emmett said. "I'm going to give him a call and tell him you're here."

Rose put her hand on his arm. "You don't have to do that. It's not a big deal."

"I'm just going to let him know," Emmett said kissing her forehead. "Where's your grandmother?"

Rose shrugged. "I don't know. She doesn't really tell where she's going – she just waltzes in and out. It is her house I suppose."

"She's supposed to be your guardian," Emmett muttered.

"It doesn't matter. Jasper and I are used to it."

"Hmmm." Emmett still was not happy about it. "Do you want me to stay?"

"No, you go. I'm just going to sleep."

"Are you sure?" Emmett asked, brushing the hair off her face.

"If you stay I won't sleep," she smiled at him.

"Hey," Emmett put his hands up. "I can just lie here! I have self-control enough for that."

Rose laughed. "No, it's okay. We have that assignment due and I know for a fact you were too busy staring at my legs to do it when you came over."

Emmett grinned. "So, I don't have enough self-control for that. I don't think anyone would blame me."

"Yale won't accept you if you don't pass your senior year," Rose said.

"Babe, they're already accepted me! I'm in!" Emmett had gained early admission but when James had kidnapped Nessie, he, like the others, had stopped going to school. Although the other three had made their deal with the school, Emmett had been forced to redo his senior year because Yale would not take him without the finals that would get Emmett his high school diploma.

"It's still important," Rose persisted.

"Alright, alright," Emmett said. He kissed her cheek and got of the bed. "You know, anyone would think you're trying to get rid of me."

Rose could not do anything by smile weakly. Emmett gave her one last grin and disappeared. When she heard the front door slam close, Rose let the tears fall.

After ten minutes she had decided she had felt sorry for herself long enough. And now her head really was pounding. She went to the bathroom, washed her face and took and aspirin for her headache. Then she went back to bed and fell asleep.

It was late when she woke up. At first she was not sure why she had woken – it was dark outside. Then she heard the knock at her door again. Opening it, she found a worried looking Jasper outside her room. "Are you okay? Emmett called me to say you were unwell."

"I'm fine. Where were you?"

"Me and Alice went for a walk in the woods by the house," Jasper said.

"A walk, huh?" Rose plucked a twig out of his leonine hair and held it up.

Jasper had the good grace to blush a little. "We went with every intention of walking," he corrected.

"Huh." They walked to her bed and sat down.

"So, what happened? You never get ill. You won't allow it," Jasper said, smiling.

"Nessie knows. About Royce. She spoke to me about it." Rose rubbed her face.

"Oh." Royce was a sore spot between them, too. Jasper loved his sister, he loved Alice and he genuinely liked Emmett. He had no idea what he was meant to do in this situation.

"Yeah." Rose sighed.

"What did you say?" Jasper asked, frowning.

"I told her I didn't know how this would end. That I wasn't going to end either relationship."

"Why not, Rose? Fuck Royce, choose Emmett!" Jasper said.

"But Mom and Dad-"

"Fuck them, too," Jasper said harshly. "Fuck them all to hell! It's what they deserve! Don't make yourself miserable for people that don't give a shit. In that shiny world of mirrors and cameras no one is real, Rosalie! They're all fakes! God, I couldn't fucking stand it! At least when I was off my head I knew what I was seeing wasn't real. And you! You were the worst, Rose!"

"Why?" his sister asked, deeply hurt.

"Because you're better than that! Better than them all put together but you sold yourself out to be just like them! Everyone's little darling when you're not! You tough and your smart and, yeah you're beautiful but that's not all there is to you! Rose, you be so much more! You could be happy! That big house with the garden that someone else cleans? You could have that with Emmett!" Jasper knew all his sister's dreams. "And those babies? Rose, Emmett would give you as many kids as you wanted! Just to make you smile! And he would love them, Rose! He would play with them and make them laugh and take care of them when they were sick! He wouldn't shove them out of sight with a series of nannies that he was screwing like Dad did! And you wouldn't have to pretend you didn't know he was out there banging any piece of skirt that came his way! Because Emmett's a simple guy – he wants it, he has it, he fights for it. And he wants you!"

By this time the tears were again streaming down Rose's face. "It's not that simple."

"Yes it is," Jasper knelt in front of his sister and took her hands in his. "It can be. Just leave the glitter behind, Rose. Choose the diamond. Have it all."

"What about Mom and Dad?" Rose said weakly.

Jasper sighed. "Rose, I tried, okay? I tried to be the perfect son. I pretended I was someone I wasn't. And do you know what they did? They punished me for it, everyday, until my only way out was the drugs. When I was high I didn't care that they didn't love me. And they don't. They don't love you or me. I'm the failure and you're the princess. We're pawns to them, Rose. They don't care about us. It's you and me, okay? Just like it always has been. You and me?"

"Together in the womb," Rose said, blinking the tears away.

"Together in the world," Jasper responded. They didn't remember when they came up with that – it was something they had said ever since they were too young to remember. He laid his forehead against his sister. "Whatever you do, Rose, I'm in your corner, backing you up, okay?"

Rose nodded. "I love you, Jazz. I'm glad I came to this place with you."

"'Cause I'm awesome or because you met Emmett?"

Rose laughed. "Both."

"I love you, too, Rosy."

Jasper left her with one last smile and Rose crawled back into bed.

That night she dreamt. It was the same dream twice over with one very important difference. Once she was married to Emmett, once to Royce. In her first dream, she and Emmett lived in a big white house, so much like the one he lived in now. They had children and she watched as Emmett chased them around the house, picking them up and throwing them up only to catch them in his strong arms. Their children squealed with laughter, curly hair a mess, huge dimples on their cheeks. Jasper walked through the door, towing Alice who in turned towed a young child – a little boy, the spitting image of Jasper at that age but with his mother's raven hair. Edward was sat at the piano, Bella watching as he showed a bronze haired little girl how to play. She stood next to him, too little to reach the keys, her father's arm around her waist to hold her steady. Esme and Charlie watched, smiling at their grown family. But someone was missing...until a hugely pregnant Nessie walked in. She was different – smiling, without gloves. They were all so happy. They were a family.

The next dream pulled her down into it's depths. It was cold here, and the light was wrong, as though the last dream was in Technicolor, but this was sepia. She and Royce sat at either ends of a huge table laid with crystal and silver. It was just the two of them but the table could have easily sat twenty. So much distance. A woman led in two little children, perfectly pressed and neat, their hair brushed into straight waves. They looked so sad. She wanted to hug them but she felt weighed down. The children sat goodnight to Royce, the nanny sharing a suggestive look with him. She noticed but looked at her children instead. Her pride and joy, her babies. She opened her arms and they shared a long hug until Royce cleared his throat. Chastened, they all dropped their arms and the children left for bed. "You shouldn't pander them like that, Rose."

"They're our children, Royce," Rose heard herself say.

"They must learn to behave properly."

Rose looked around at her opulent surroundings. She caught her reflection in the mirror. Her hair was swept up showing off the diamonds at her throat and ears. She looked older – thirty five, maybe – and unhappy.

She found her eyes in the mirror and felt chilled. They were like the diamonds she was wearing. Cold. Dead. Where was the life? Where was the laughter?

"I'll be late home, Rose," Royce said, getting up.

"As always," she said. She knew where he went. She knew how many women he had.

Royce did not look happy at her comment. She should not have said anything. He did not like it when she spoke out of turn. He walked towards her and she trembled. "That was unkind, Rose," he said. He put his hand on her cheek. "You should not have said it." He slapped her...

...and she woke up.

Running to the mirror she looked at her reflection. No, she was not that woman yet. She was not beaten and broken. She was not old and alone in a huge house with an unfaithful husband and children she could not even hug. She was young. She was still full of fire.

And no one was taking that from her.

It was over. Royce, her, her parents. Done.

She tore through her bag until she found her cell. She scrolled through her contacts until she found 'Home'.

As usual it went to voicemail – her calls always did. "Mom, Dad, it's Rosalie. You know, your daughter? I'm calling to tell you I'm done with it. You want a Senator? Go fuck one because I'm done with Royce. It's over. I'm with Emmett. I love Emmett and he loves me and I'm going to be with him.
"Your son is fine by the way. Jasper? The one that nearly died. That you haven't call since. He's great. Wants nothing to do with you but then that's no real loss to you guys, is it? Since you never wanted anything to do with us.
"Don't bother calling back, not that you usually do, because I'm not picking up. So, I guess that's it. This family is officially divorced."

She snapped her phone shut. She had done it. And she could not take it back.

She started to freak out.

"Jasper!" she yelled as she sunk to her knees. "Jasper!"

Jasper came running in in nothing but his boxers, his hair a complete mess, looking frantic. "Rose? What's wrong? Why are you on the floor?" He put his arms under her shoulder and pulled her off the floor.

"I did it, Jazz. I told Mom and Dad. It's done. This is it. This is our family, you and me. I did it!"

Jasper looked at her stunned for a moment then gave a yell. He picked Rose up and spun her in a circle, still whooping. "You mean it? You told them?"

"I told them that I loved Emmett and I was going to be with him," Rose beamed proudly.

"How did they take it?" Jasper asked, too happy to care.

Rose smile faltered. "I don't know, it was the answer machine," she said, looking sheepish.

Jasper looked at her incredulously before bursting out laughing. Rose joined in until they could not stand any longer and ended up collapsed on the floor again.

"So, it's really it. No more you-Royce-Emmett love triangle?" asked Jasper when they could breathe again.

"Nope."

"Do you think they'll come down here? See us to talk it through?" Jasper could hide the longing in his voice.

"I don't know. Maybe. But do we want them to?" Rose asked. "The last time you and Dad were in the same room you OD'ed afterwards."

"Yeah, that was dumb," Jasper said. "But hey, I'm clean, you're tough. Maybe they'll see us and realise they were wrong to distance themselves."

"Or maybe they'll come down because I've just thrown away the society wedding of the century and they want to tell us that we're fuck-ups and they were right to distance themselves."

Jasper shrugged. "Whatever. We can blame it all on them anyway."

"Says who?" asked Rose, perplexed.

"Freud."

"Can't argue with the man with facial hair and a cigar."

"No, you cannot."


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