Bilbo sat there, just enjoying this proximity to Thorin even as the dwarf began to put more of his weight on the hobbit than he was accustomed to. He tried to pull away as it became uncomfortable, but Thorin merely shifted as he did.
"Thorin," Bilbo said quickly thinking of an excuse so he didn't have to tell his lover that he was crowding him. "I'd . . . I'd like to get some tea, if you don't mind." There was no reply from the dwarf in question, though the rest of them and Frodo were beginning snigger and even Gandalf had a smile on his face. Bilbo glanced at them before he tried to look up at the very large and very heavy dwarf that was currently squishing him.
"He's asleep, isn't he?" Bilbo sighed looking at the others. A quiet snore from Thorin was answer enough. Bilbo sighed. Of course Thorin would think it was a good idea to stay up all night and then fall asleep at the breakfast table using Bilbo as a prop.
"I don't suppose any of you want to help me get him off, do you?" Bilbo asked wincing as the words left his mouth and he realized how they were likely to be taken. But no one rose to the bait. As normally as Bilbo was behaving that day, they had no desire to test him just yet. But they also had no desire to disturb a sleeping Thorin.
"Afraid we can't," Bofur said with a shrug. To which the other dwarves and Gandalf nodded.
"Can't or won't?" Bilbo muttered.
"Won't," Dwalin replied. "You know what he's like if you wake him. I want no part of that."
"So you expect me to just sit here until he decides to wake back up?" Bilbo demanded, more than a bit miffed with them. They were overreacting. Yes, Thorin could be a bit cantankerous if you woke him, but he wouldn't wake in shifting him off Bilbo and onto the table.
"Aye," Balin said pressing a cup into his hand. "Here's that tea you wanted." Bilbo glared at him from under Thorin and turned to his nephew.
"Frodo, be a good lad and fetch a pillow from the couch," Bilbo ordered.
"Wouldn't one from your bed—"
"The couch, Frodo, my lad," Bilbo cut him off, quite mindful of the fact that his room still wasn't straightened up from their romp earlier. Last thing he needed to do was traumatize poor Frodo. Now that they had the luxury of closed doors what happened behind them should stay behind them. The younger hobbit gave his uncle an odd look but nodded and came back with a couple of pillows.
"Good," Bilbo praised. "Now move that plate and put them on the table."
"You're going to make him sleep here?" Frodo asked, surprised that Bilbo would do that. For years he had said that the table was not an appropriate place to sleep, save if one fell asleep writing and even then it was a poor substitute for a proper bed.
"Yes," the old hobbit said with a laugh."He's the one that chose to fall asleep at the table, he can just sleep here. Besides, he's quite heavy and I don't fancy trying to haul him to bed. Maybe waking up with a crick in his back will teach him to sleep when a bed presents itself."
"Thorin's slept worse places than your kitchen table," Balin said, laughter in his own voice at Frodo's troubled look at his uncle's callous behavior towards the dwarf Bilbo claimed to love. "I doubt this will trouble him overmuch."
Bilbo nodded a sad half-smile on his face at the reminder of what Thorin had endured in his lifetime. "Are you sure that none of you will help me?" he asked. They all shook their heads. "Alright then. Frodo, this may be a bit of work, lad, but I want you to lean him back a bit and support his weight until I can scramble out from under here and help you lay him down."
"Uncle," Frodo said warily, "why won't they help?"
"Because they're cowardly scoundrels who take far too much amusement in my suffering," Bilbo deadpanned ignoring their protests at being called cowardly. "Trust me, Frodo, Thorin is mostly harmless. And he's unarmed. You'll be fine." Frodo seemed unconvinced but did as he was told and leaned the sleeping dwarf backwards against him surprised at just how heavy he actually was. It took Bilbo only a moment to come to his aid and together the two of them leaned Thorin forward onto the pillows, where the dwarf let out a small moan and nuzzled them a bit before slipping back into a deeper sleep.
"See," Bilbo said clapping Frodo on the shoulder warmly. "Easy." Frodo disagreed with his uncle's assessment of the situation and wondered what Bilbo would call "difficult" but said nothing and merely shook his head with an indulgent smile on his face.
ooOO88OOoo
It took a bit of quiet debate before they decided that it was a nice enough day that they would move their planning sessions to the garden to allow Thorin to nap in peace. There were only a handful more details to iron out before presenting the plan to Bilbo's cousin, Paladin for approval.
"Tell us the truth now, lad," Balin said looking at Bilbo levelly where the hobbit sat on his front step, "what are the odds of your Thane giving us leave to stay here?" Bilbo sighed and took a long drag on his pipe before he answered.
"I don't know," he finally said. Dwalin snorted that it had taken the hobbit that long to come up with an answer. "It's unprecedented. No one has ever asked to start a foreign settlement in the Shire. And you do have to remember that you are sending Thorin as your spokesman." There was true laughter this time.
"Laugh all you want," Bilbo replied pointing at them with the stem of his pipe while Frodo looked on with wide horrified blue eyes. "I don't see how you ever planned to get through any negotiations. I love Thorin, I do but . . . he's not exactly diplomatic. Unless you dwarves go about diplomacy differently than hobbits. Why I could just see it now! Thorin in the middle of a negotiation suddenly shooting to his feet and grabbing some dignitary by the collar only to drag him outside and challenge him to a duel to settle the debate."
"Thorin's a mite better at diplomacy than you give him credit for," Balin said with a smirk that Bilbo didn't like in the least. "He was king for more than a hundred years and only led us into one major battle. He managed to keep us out of the rest. I think you're being a bit unfair, lad."
"If anyone talked you out of war, we both know that it was you," Bilbo scoffed. "Thorin's temper and pride would never have allowed him to engage in the flattery necessary to prevent war. I mean, he was even snippy with Lord Elrond who was doing nothing by being nice. If there was an argument you and I both know that Thorin would have taken it personally and it would have ended in violence."
"Like this will?" Thorin's voice asked. Bilbo turned only to find that his lover was done with his nap and was leaning against the door with a sardonic smirk on his face and humor in his voice. "I'm wounded. Is that truly what you think of me, Bilbo? Do you really think so little of my self control that you believe I would assault visiting dignitary over a debate?"
"If they were elvish," Bilbo replied with a smirk of his own. Thorin grimaced a moment before his smirk returned.
"I would never," he said simply with a resolute nod.
"You wouldn't even be tempted to drag Thranduil from the chambers and trounce him?" Bilbo asked coyly. He knew the answer even before he asked it; not only would Thorin be tempted, he would do it and relish in it.
"No," Thorin said, his voice showing the strain he was under to keep a straight face at the mental image of dragging that pompous elf out to the training yards and . . . he cut himself off before that thought could go any further and reveal his lie to Bilbo. It was unnecessary, Thorin could have indulged had he wanted to.
"You can try to lie to whomever you want, Thorin," Bilbo said with a laugh, standing to wrap himself around the dwarf, sighing contentedly when Thorin's arms wrapped around him as well. "But you can't lie to me," Bilbo continued, brushing his lips against the sensitive flesh of the dwarf's wrist. "I saw that twitch. I know that you would like nothing more."
"Can you blame me?" Thorin asked, his blue eyes pleading with Bilbo to say that he could not blame him for wanting to thrash the elf that had abandoned them so long ago and impeded their quest.
"No," Bilbo said honestly. "I might even enjoy watching that."
"You still surprise me," Thorin whispered as he leaned down to kiss the hobbit only to be stopped by a stuttered protest from the direction of the gate. Thorin pulled back—ignoring the frustrated groan from Bilbo—to see two hobbits, and adult male and a boy standing at the gate with shocked expressions.
"M-m-mr. Bilbo?" the elder of the two asked.
"Yes, Hamfast," Bilbo said, masking his irritation at having been interrupted well enough that only Thorin heard it, "what can I do for you?"
"I didn't mean to interrupt, sir," Hamfast said quickly. "I . . . I was just c-coming to tell you th-that I would take care of the garden now if you didn't mind clearing . . . never mind. I can come back later. I can see that you are quite busy entertaining."
"No, Hamfast," Bilbo sighed. "We need to go to the market anyway. This lot is trying to eat me out of house and home."
"We did offer to pay," Bofur countered only to be shushed by Bilbo.
"We'll go do that and you can have the free run of the garden," Bilbo continued. "Come on you lot. As much as I know I'm going to regret this I can't in good conscience leave you here to traumatize young Samwise as you seem so intent on traumatizing Frodo."
"We don't traumatize the lad," Dwalin muttered only to get a glare from the rest of the dwarves and Gandalf for interfering. If Thorin and Bilbo knew the effect they had on the lad they might tone it down and then Dwalin would have an unfair advantage. At their glares he sighed before climbing to his feet and heading for the gate, offering the two hobbits a small smile in an attempt to look less intimidating as Hamfast backed across the road and the smaller hobbit peaked out behind his father with wide brown eyes. He was followed by Bofur who just so happened to have a small toy on his person that he had made one night while he was bored and knelt to offer it to the hobbit. Samwise looked up at his father before creeping out a bit and moving closer to the strange dwarf.
"Go on," Bofur said gently. "It's a gift. Have it." Sam looked at his father once more and when Hamfast nodded reached out and cautiously took it.
"Thank you," the boy whispered, looking up at Bofur through his curly bangs. The dwarf smiled and ruffled his hair before setting off down the lane into town.
"That's cheating," Dwalin said once he was in earshot.
"No," Bofur disagreed. "I merely gave a toy to a child. Nothing wrong with that."
"Just remember that children don't count," Dwalin said with a smirk.
"Don't count for what?" Bilbo asked joining them. The two dwarves shared sheepish glances. Betting on Bilbo's people was one thing, Bilbo knowing about it was another. "Are neither of you going to tell me?"
"They're betting on which of them can make more hobbit friends in a year, Uncle," Frodo explained. Bilbo snorted and shook his head before asking, "Is this an open wager?" Bilbo saw no reason to stop them. They weren't hurting the hobbits and if they were trying to make friends perhaps that would help rein in their behavior.
"Aye," Dwalin said warily. "Just know that if you enter you can't attempt to sway the hobbits one way or the other."
"I don't need to sway them," Bilbo said with a shrug. "Bofur's going to win and ten gold pieces say so."
"I always knew you were a smart one!" Bofur crowed throwing an arm around Bilbo and looking at Dwalin smugly. "He sees genius when it's present."
"No," Bilbo corrected dancing out from under Bofur's arm and patting Dwalin's affectionately. "I just know that Dwalin here looks a bit intimidating until you get to know him. They won't have time to do that in a year or he would win. Underneath that gruff exterior is a fluffy bunny of a dwarf." Dwalin sputtered indignantly for a moment while the rest nearly collapsed with laughter.
"A . . . A BUNNY!"Dwalin roared once he was able. "I assure you, Bilbo Baggins that I am no fluffy bunny. If you'd like I can prove it to you. We can turn right around and you can get your letter-opener and me an axe—I'll take mercy on you and only use the one—and you and I can see which of us is the fluffy bunny. If I recall, that was once a title of yours. Was it not, Master Bunny?"
"Why I. . . I thought we agreed never to speak on that again," Bilbo finally managed. "Wasn't that the price for me freeing all of you from prison?"
"What are you going to do, Bilbo?" Dwalin said with a smirk. "It's not like you can ask Thranduil to put me back in. He'd never do it. Relations are too good between him and Erebor for him to risk jailing one of the nobles."
"Did you forget about me?" Thorin asked with a laugh as he clapped Dwalin on the shoulder. "If you do attack my mate I will talk to Dís about a momentary imprisonment for you. She'd might be more than willing to do it. I seem to remember an incident involving the two of you that had her begging me to jail you. Something about . . . what was it. Oh, I remember. You accidently lit her braid on fire at a dinner. She wanted your head, you know. Claimed you were a bad influence on her lads. She blamed all of their pranking on you."
"Not you?" Dwalin asked elbowing his old friend harder than Bilbo thought was strictly necessary. But Thorin didn't seem to mind and only returned the elbow with one of his own as he released Dwalin.
"Never," Throin replied with a smirk. "She never caught me teaching them bad behavior."
"Which is not to say you didn't," Bilbo said reading between the lines. "If we do get a child only the Valar will save you if you do the same. So help me, Thorin Oakenshield, if you create another menace I . . ."
"You'll do nothing and we both know it," Thorin said cupping his face gently. "Don't threaten things you don't intend to do, âzyungâl."
"That's enough you two!" Balin said swatting them both, Thorin a bit more forcefully than Bilbo. "We're shopping. Last thing we need is the two of you getting us kicked out of the market for lewd behavior. Behave yourselves!" The irony of Balin being the one to remind him of propriety caused Bilbo to disolve into laughter once more and he was wiping tears from his eyes as he threaded his arm through Thorin's and walked into Hobbiton.
The rest of them followed behind, shaking their heads with confused expressions on their faces as they wondered just what Bilbo had meant by talking about them getting a child.
ooOO88OOoo
There we are all, more fluff. There may be a bit of time jumping in the next few chapters but we will hit all the high points, including a chat with Paladin that may just have information that will make Thorin a very happy dwarf . . . and a simlutaneously depressed dwarf. *sighs* Anyway. I hope you enjoyed the new chapter and I'd love to hear what you thought.
As always, thank you to those of you that reviewed!
Guest: Thank you :) And don't worry, there will be action coming up :) And I'm so glad that I could make you love them even more. Yeah . . . I think Gandalf may have overestimated there but we'll see. And you are more than welcome. I am here to offer support *hugs* Ha! I wondered if you would be freaked out by that! ANd I'm glad that it made it even more amusing. And happy late birthday! I tried to get this new chapter out in time for it but . . . they refused to participate :/ I hope it was a good one!
Guest: Hi :) And don't worry, I took no offence. It is a reasonable question*sighs* and actually a hard question to answer. I've sat down and tried to think about why I do it and, you're going to hate this, but I really don't know. As for slash in general, I don't slash things up just to slash things up and there are pairings that I cannot get behind (though I do respect those that can even if I can't. Fíli/Kíli is one of those for me). For me, and for this pairing, it's because it makes sense in a way. For these two, if you look at cannon, you can almost see having happened without messing up the universe. Thorin was royalty. His one job—other than ruling the kingdom—was to produce heirs. True, he had nephews, but even then, it would have still been his responsibility to do so. Now, you can argue that with the ratio of dwarf men to dwarf women being so skewed he just never found a female but *shrugs* I just don't buy that. The same argument cannot be made for Bilbo. He was a rich hobbit. The ratio there is roughly equal. If you look at the LOTR hobbits, Merry, Pippin and Sam all married young (in their 30's) and here you've got Bilbo in his fifties all alone. I suppose the argument could be made that he just didn't want to marry, but again, it was expected in that time (even in the 20's when Tolkien was writing) to marry as marriage secured your line. So Bilbo never married even after the quest (when he was richer than sin) and had to adopt an heir. It's a stretch, but you could almost see it happening. Also, for me, it's more about the interaction and the feels than the sex. I know that some people write for the shock value but that's not why I do it. That's why my sex scenes are completely separate from the main story. They are part of the story, but they don't have to be there to make it work. I suppose the same question could be asked of any non-cannon pairing really. And on any of them I would give you the same answer: we all have different reasons. For me, it was the chemistry that made this pairing, others (if they answer) will most likely tell you something different. However, I will say that part of the reason it is so prevalent in both this fandom and LOTR is probably the lack of cannon female character. If you want to write a romance in this world you almost have to write slash. Either that or create a OFC (dangerous territory in Tolkien fandoms as some readers assume that any female OFC is a Sue whether or not she is and you catch slack for not playing with what you were given) or messing up a cannon couple (again, very dangerous as the purists (who I'm not really sure why are reading fanfic anyway) will hang you for). Neither are particularly viable options so . . . slash it is. I hope this helped (and that I made any kind of sense at all)
Well, that's all for now folks! I hope you enjoyed it but would love to know what you though, even if you hated it!
Stickdonkeys
