January 1998

It was the night before his thirtieth birthday and he could not sleep. He was actually thirty. He was the oldest member of the group. Phoebe would be next but he was the first one. How was that possible? How had he lived thirty years already? He leaned over and grabbed his phone, knowing someone would be up to hear him complain and when Kristi picked up, he went right into it.

"I'm thirty. How the hell did this happen? I had a plan, I even prayed for it."

"What was your plan? By the way, happy birthday," Kristi said.

"Thank you and my plan was just to not get old and to let the others get old first so I could remain young," Joey said.

"I'm not sure that's a viable plan."

"I wanted to be twenty-one forever. Thirty, I'm thirty. Gross and I'm the oldest. Phoebe's thirtieth is next month. Ross and Chandler turn thirty next year and Rachel and Monica turn thirty the year after that. Ugh."

"I'm sorry. So, speaking of Chandler...how are you doing with him now?"

"Good, good….I just...I adore that guy. I want to punch him the face but I also wanna hug him and-" Joey stopped as he heard a rather loud moan through the wall that separated his room from Chandler's. He had been hearing the moans and they were getting louder and louder and he had a feeling Chandler was being loud on purpose. He couldn't help but laugh.

"What?" Kristi asked.

"Chandler's getting some. I can hear it through the wall. Much better than with Janice. He's been practicing."

"Wow….that's not creepy."

"It's the wall….although, Kathy sounds like she's enjoying herself far more with him than she did with me."

"Makes sense, she likes him more than you."

"Hey."

"Although, you know, this thing with Kathy...were you really that serious about her?" Kristi asked. "It was two weeks."

"No, not really but….I just wished he had asked. After everything….it just felt disrespectful and you know how I feel about respect. Come on, I grew up around Tony. You know how important respect it."

"Understandable. Well, you didn't take a hit out on him."

"Well, thought about it. I'm glad he's happy," Joey began before hearing a loud intense moan through the wall followed by Chandler's signature, 'oh my G-d.' Joey let out a laugh as he stared at the wall, "whoa, nice work. Sounds like he's killing her in there. Oh, so proud of him right now, seriously, beaming with pride. You go get some, buddy."

"Why don't you two date?" Kristi joked.

"I've asked, he said no."

"Awww."

"And we've kissed twice, you know. I'm not gonna pretend it doesn't sting a little," Joey joked.

"You love him so much," Kristi laughed.

"I really do. I think he's actually cooler than Shane. What the fuck, Shane? This is the kid you beat up?" Joey asked.

"Remember at school and he was like walking around, puffing out his chest, talking about the guy he beat up at his old school and pretending he was all tough-"

"Yeah, it's like punching a marshmallow or a puppy, you were gonna fight me 'cause you were proud of beating Chandler Bing up," Joey said. "And you know, Shane apparently damaged him. Severely. Kid couldn't pee for a week."

"What a douche."

"Exactly. Shane really messed him up. You know, Chandler and his buddies were at one of my Halloween parties and Shane walked up to him and was apparently gonna beat him up again. Remember the party where I hooked up with your friend that dressed like Bo Derek?"

"Yes, really? Oh, G-d…I don't wanna speak ill of the dead but ass," Kristi said.

"I'm starting to think so."

"If Shane was still here, would you say something to him?" Kristi asked.

"No, 'cause I would no longer be his friend. He would be out of my life, completely."

"You'd choose Chandler?"

"In a second. Not even a question," Joey said before hearing another moan, "nice."

"That's sweet. It's sweet that you two are that close, so you're gonna stick with this group. You've decided to not leave."

"I think I'm in too deep. I love 'em too much. They're good people, you know and...yeah, they have a lot of drama but-"

"Hey, Christopher and Tony have drama too. Just their drama ends up with people dead. Pick and choose your drama. People who kill others or you know, people where there's a fight every now and then but no one dies."

"I've gotten close. Yeah, besides like I said I couldn't leave Chandler. I mean, Shane may be a douche but I made that promise to him right? That if I had another friend who was struggling, I wouldn't leave so…I can't leave. He may not be struggling now but who knows? He might be currently struggling to breathe properly but I don't need to worry about that."

"It's just nice to hear you say that. This group has changed you, Joe. Embrace it."

"Hey, you wanna come over tomorrow night. Monica's making sandwiches and pizza. I want a low key birthday. To mourn my twenties."

"I gotta work, Joe."

"You know what my birthday wish is?"

"To get laid every single day for the next year?"

"Yeah, but that's easy. How about a new job….for you? Come on, we're both gonna be thirty."

"I have a daughter and at least I have a job."

"Kristi, you can do better than this...come on."

"I like what I'm doing."

"You wanted to be an actress. You're the reason I'm even an actor. Can you at least try another audition? For me, for my birthday? Remember when you took me to your audition? Can you do that? Please?"

"Alright, for your birthday," Kristi said.

"Good," Joey said as he heard the front door open and slam shut, "now, I gotta go. Chan Man is apparently done and I wanna congratulate Big Chan and Mini Chan."

"Did you just tell me the name of his penis?"

"Yes, I did."

"You two are so weird and wait, why is he mini and you're general? That's not fair. Clearly, he's better than you. He got your ex-girlfriend more excited than you did."

"Lieutenant Chan," Joey said thinking it over.

"Better."

"I'll talk to you later," Joey said as he hung up, he quickly grabbed his robe and walked out the door towards Chandler's room where he saw his roommate lying there, grinning so broadly Joey could see it in the dark.

"Having a good time, Chan Chan man?" Joey asked.

"Yeah, baby," Chandler grinned.

"Goodnight, asshole," Joey said, giving him a smile.

"Oh, yes it is...yes it is," Chandler said,"Oh and hey, Joe."

"What?" Joey asked.

"Happy thirtieth...dude, you're old," Chandler teased.

"I hate you," Joey shot back as Chandler laughed. "And by the way, Kristi thinks it should be Lieutenant Chan, not Mini Chan."

"I like that. Wait, did a porn star and stripper just say my penis should be promoted?" Chandler asked.

"Yeah."

"I am just having the best time on your birthday," Chandler mused.

"Good night, Lieutenant Chan," Joey said, laughing.

"Night. Oh and hey, Joe….thank you," Chandler said.

"Don't worry about it. She sounds like she's having more fun with you."

As Joey turned to walk back to his room, Kathy returned. They stood awkwardly staring at each other.

"Where were you?" Joey asked.

"Oh, Monica's….I had to thank her...and….long story," Kathy said as she walked towards Chandler's room. "You know, Joey-"

"It's alright. We weren't that serious. Take care of that one, though. He's sensitive."

Kathy smiled at him and disappeared into Chandler's room, closing the door behind her. He looked over at the closed door. Kathy had visited Monica? He figured Monica must be up. He walked out of the apartment and knocked on the door, thinking it would probably be creepy of him to walk into their apartment after midnight. Monica opened the door and looked confused.

"Joey?" Monica asked.

"Who the hell is that!?" Rachel yelled from her bedroom, clearly annoyed.

"Wait," Joey said before yelling across the room, "hey, Rach, how you doin'?"

"I will kill you," Rachel yelled back.

"You were on a back," Joey yelled, beaming. He was laughing, knowing Rachel was not a morning person and was enjoying purposely pissing her off.

"Fuck you, Joey. I will cut you," Rachel yelled. Joey was cracking up as Monica playfully smacked him.

"You wanna die on your birthday?" Monica asked.

"It's just so much fun. She's just so not a morning person."

"No, so...why are you here? I haven't made your sandwiches yet."

"No, I just...Kathy was over here and I just wanted to check in with you," Joey said.

"I'm fine."

Joey looked at her, raised an eyebrow and she let out a sigh. He motioned for her to join him in the hall. They sat on the steps even though Monica seemed slightly irritated.

"Now, I'll ask you again. What's going on? Why was Kathy visiting you?"

"I gave Chandler sex tips."

"It's working."

"Yeah but….you know...you know how Rachel hated Julie and Bonnie and just...hates anyone Ross dates?"

"Yeah."

"I don't like Kathy. The relationship is doomed 'cause….she tried to tear you two apart."

"Naw, Chandler and I can't be torn apart. It's Jandler, but it has nothing to do with me. You know, on the beach, when he peed on you, I saw you look at it."

"I did."

"And you were both flirting."

"I know. G-d, I just-and I know if-if I walked into his room right now and said 'hey Chandler, when you're done blowing Kathy's mind come over and visit me', he totally would."

"I don't think he's blowing her mind."

"You know what I mean."

"Then why don't you say something. Look, I already know you've made out with him. He's told me. When he took you to dinner, he said he made out with you in Central Park-"

"You two tell each other too much," Monica said.

"Why don't you just give in? It would be easier, wouldn't it? Clearly, you both like each other," Joey said, staring at Monica who just kept staring ahead.

"I'm a control freak," Monica said, taking a deep breath before looking at him.

"What?" Joey asked, confused.

"I'm a control freak," Monica said.

"Well, yeah but-"

"No. I like to control things. I like fixing things, people. I fixed Phoebe, Rachel, you...doing a good job with you….hell, I've even tried fixing Ross but what's wrong with Chandler, I can't fix. I can't control. Does that make sense? He's an alcoholic and drug addict who doesn't realize he is one and I don't-it's a disease, right? So….I will never be able to fix or control that disease. It will always be stronger than I am. I sound insane."

"A little but I think I get it."

"And I know people say I won't be doing this alone. I know everyone says they'll help and I know but...and I know I'm stringing him along and it's so not fair to him and I hate Kathy and-and you know, I dated Kip. His roommate before you and Kip was in college with Ross and Chandler and he knew that Chandler and I liked each other and we should never have dated but we did. It was a mistake and I know Chandler and I flirted at the beach but-"

"You're not stringing him along."

"Joey, come on. You're always blunt with me. You more than anyone else in this group gives it to me straight. Am I being a bitch?"

"Alright, yeah, you are being a bit of a bitch. You are stringing him along and you're right, you could go in his room right now, tell him you want him and he'd dump Kathy right then and there but...I get it. Right now, he's fine and he's happy….believe me, he's really happy but there's always that worry and you don't know and I know you like to fix stuff and I know you're a control freak. We all know that. We discuss it often. Why do you think we never invite you to play games with us?"

"If I wasn't a control freak, this group would fall apart," Monica said.

"That's true too. Why do you also think we keep you around? You're right, though. It is terrifying, when I left for Los Angeles, Shane was completely clean. Had been for years, I wasn't worried or thinking he wouldn't be able to pick me up from the airport 'cause he'd be dead on gurney in front of our apartment-"

"I love how you word stuff sometimes," Monica mused, "by the way, I hate Shane and I know I shouldn't 'cause he's dead and I should be respectful and I never met him….but I hate him."

"I'm not too fond of him anymore, either, but the point is...yes, it's scary but you've already got the tools to fix him if something does happen. You've done it twice and when you're ready, you'll tell him. You know he's not going anywhere."

"I know…. he's not going anywhere although he has disappeared before and I managed to track him down. He vanished for seven months before Ross' wedding to Carol. It's just when he's…. when the drugs and alcohol have him….that's when it scares the shit out of me and that's when I can't figure out how to get him back."

"Yeah, I get that but I have a feeling that….and forget Rachel, Ross and Phoebe, just you and me, I have a feeling that if he falls again….I think we're stronger than his addiction."

"What?"

"The way he feels about the two of us? The man peed on you when you were in pain, he stuck himself in a box to prove how much I meant to him. He loves the two of us more than he loves drugs and alcohol."

"You believe that?"

"Yep. I think if he thought he could lose you or me or both of us, he'd stop. Of course, I mean, he does love me more than you," Joey said.

"That is so not true. He loves me more."

"No, he doesn't Mon."

"Okay, what he's doing in there with Kathy, he would rather do with me than you," Monica said.

"You don't know," Joey said.

Monica let out a laugh as she patted his leg and let out a sigh. Joey put his arm around her as she fell into him.

"Thanks, Joe. I think I'm gonna go to bed now…..oh, just letting you know, your birthday cake? It says Happy 29th."

"G-d bless you. Hey, can I crash on your couch?"

"Why?" Monica asked, looking up at him.

"Well, whatever you taught Chandler….he's doing….loudly."

"Loudly?"

"On purpose. He's heard me through the wall for years. He's getting revenge and having a good time."

Monica started laughing as she stood up and reached for Joey's hand. He grabbed it as she pulled him up.

"Get a blanket and you can crash on our couch."

"Thank you," Joey said as he got up and walked into his apartment where he grabbed his blanket and a pillow and returned to Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica had helped herself to a glass of water and was getting some for him as he set himself up on the couch. Once he had set up, he looked over at Rachel's room. It was just too hard to resist. How could he not play with her? He walked towards her bedroom ignoring Monica asking him what he was doing. He walked over to Rachel who was sound asleep. He began to gently put his finger in her ear as he quietly said her name. Suddenly, Rachel grabbed his finger hard and stared at him.

"I will cut you," Rachel said.

Joey began laughing as Rachel grabbed her pillow and began smacking him with it. He laughed as he got up and noticed Monica staring at him.

"I told you," Monica said.

"Good night, Rachel," Joey said, grinning as he followed Monica out of the room and fell onto the couch. Monica walked towards her room and shut the door behind her as he lay there soaking it in that he was now officially thirty.

The next day, he was a little shocked when Chandler and Ross suggested taking him out for the day to go dirt biking along the Brooklyn Park Bike Trails. These trails were very much like the trails he had done as a kid and he still loved doing it when he still lived in Queens but ever since he had called Bedford Street his home and began to prefer hanging out with Ross and Chandler over Christopher, he figured those days were over. Chandler loved tennis and hockey and Ross liked watching all the games, as would Chandler but actually playing anything, that was a little different. He didn't mind, figuring it was just a price to pay but when Chandler and Ross suggested taking him out dirt biking so that Monica could prepare for his birthday without him bugging her by eating the sandwiches beforehand, he went.

"You two really wanna do this?" Joey asked, sitting on his bike, staring down at one of the trails, "you guys don't seem like bike trailing kinda guys."

"You know, Ross…..I get the feeling that Joey here thinks that you and I spent our entire childhood watching movies and playing with dinosaurs and reading comic books," Chandler said.

"You've told me that's what you did," Joey said.

"I think he thinks we weren't as cool as he was," Ross said.

"You weren't," Joey said.

"I think the nerds need to show the cool guy how we can play," Chandler said.

"Uh-huh," Ross said.

Joey was going to say something else but instead motioned for them to go. They could try it, it would be interesting. First, Chandler went and Joey watched him carefully as he maneuvered the hills with ease and then Ross took his turn. Joey was mildly impressed, maybe he hadn't given his friends enough credit. Joey rode his bike towards them as they were both waiting for him.

"You doubted us," Chandler said.

"I did. G-d, I used to love doing these trails. I miss four wheeling too."

"We can play, you know. You think we're like all wutzy," Chandler said.

"He misses his old friends, he thinks they're macho," Ross said.

Joey laughed, knowing both of them were messing with him. He would mess back.

"His old friends used to put bullets in people's heads for fun," Chandler said.

"You know he doesn't know what we used to do in college," Ross said, motioning between himself and Chandler.

"True. I had a Corvette," Chandler said.

"That you crashed into a house," Joey said, "and you know, you are dramatic."

"I blame the girls," Ross said.

"I blame Monica and Rachel. Not really Pheebs," Chandler said.

"Yeah, Pheebs isn't that dramatic," Joey said, "although, of the three. Phoebe's the hottest. Monica and Rachel are hot, sure….but Phoebe."

"I'm still going to go for Rachel. Phoebe's hot but Rachel's….Rachel," Ross mused.

"Mon's my type. Lizzie looked like Monica and Janice kinda had Monica features. Kathy's….not so much like Monica," Chandler said.

"Rachel tried to kill me last night," Joey said, smiling slightly.

"Why? What?" Ross asked.

"Well, after Chan man over here was banging Kathy so loud our walls shook, I slept on Monica and Rachel's couch."

"I was loud on purpose," Chandler said.

"No, shit...so I mean, of course, I had to mess with Rachel so I stuck my finger in her ear….and she almost broke my finger off," Joey said.

"Was she asleep when you did this?" Ross asked.

"Yeah," Joey said.

"Be glad she didn't punch you in the face," Ross said.

"So okay, you've already hooked up with Rachel. Would you hook up with Pheebs?" Joey asked.

"I have. I made out with her the night Carol told me we were divorcing. That was what you guys walked into in the bar that night," Ross said.

"I knew it. Phoebe's wild, though. I've made out with her too….she's fun," Chandler said.

"Didn't you sleep with her when she first moved in?" Ross asked.

"No, we made out….we didn't have sex," Chandler said.

"Who's better? Rachel or Phoebe?" Joey asked.

"Both are different. I'm not answering. Rachel was a relationship, Phoebe was comforting me. What about you, Bing?" Ross asked.

"I can't answer really 'cause you're her brother, so my answer will make me look pervy " Chandler said.

"If Monica had come into your room last night and said, 'Chandler, get rid of Kathy, come to me now', what would you have said?" Joey asked.

Chandler smiled slightly as he looked over at Ross and then back at Joey, "I would have said….goodbye Kathy but it doesn't matter, I like Kathy."

"You really do like my sister, don't you?" Ross asked.

"Yeah, I do, but I like Kathy and Monica doesn't want me like that. What about you, Joe?"

"Pheebs. I'm gonna choose Pheebs. She's not high maintenance. Monica and Rachel are great but I'd choose Pheebs, now can go we go play?" Joey asked but didn't wait for the answer before biking off, Chandler and Ross trailing behind. This was how Joey wanted to ring in being thirty. He wanted to get dirty, wanted to be outside in nature and he loved that he got to do it with Chandler and Ross. They were right, ten years ago he would never have even thought of being friends with guys like Chandler and Ross. They were so different but they were his brothers, he cared more about them than he had ever cared about Christopher or Shane. Dramatic or not, he would always be there to protect them.

That night, the emotions hit him again as the group gathered to celebrate Joey's thirtieth in Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica made a lot of sandwiches and made a lot of cake. Chandler set up his video game system in the girl's apartment so they could play and grabbed all of the movies he knew Joey would like. The boys began by playing video games but Joey was simply overcome with emotion.

"Oh, dude...stop crying," Chandler said as the girls who had been chatting at the kitchen table walked over to join them.

"It's just...I'm thirty. I'm old," Joey cried as he fell towards Chandler who in turn shoved him away.

"Joey, I'm gonna be thirty next month," Phoebe said.

"I know, you're old too," Joey whined.

"No, I'm looking forward to it. I mean, my twentieth I spent being raped and tortured in Prague, my tenth...oh, on my tenth, my step dad and mom could only afford to give one of us a gift. Ursula got the gift. But I got the box...so I think thirty will be good," Phoebe said as the group just stared at her. Phoebe always seemed to have a habit of just randomly talking about her past as if it could happen to anyone. Joey both loved and hated hearing those stories. It made him love her more but he wished he could have done something.

"Well...we weren't planning on raping or torturing you," Chandler said.

"And we're buying you gifts and not Ursula," Rachel said.

"See, it's already looking good," Phoebe said.

"It's just so strange that we have to start planning for the big 3-0," Ross said.

"Oh, G-d," Joey said.

"Here he goes again," Chandler groaned.

"I'll go get the cake," Monica said as she walked towards the kitchen. Rachel followed her and Phoebe joined the boys on the couch. Joey sniffled a little as Ross and Chandler continued playing. Phoebe reached over and grabbed his hand.

"Don't be sad. You made it to thirty. That's how I look at it. When I had my first my birthday on the streets, my friend Marjorie told me that you got to look at it like you survived another year," Phoebe said. "Congrats. You survived another year."

"True. You're next, what are we doing you Ms. Pheebs?" Joey asked.

"Well, hopefully, I'll be pregnant," Phoebe said.

Ross and Chandler stopped playing and looked at her, Joey looked stunned as well. He had known Phoebe had recently gotten in contact with her step brother Frank Jr. and he knew he and his much older wife had asked Phoebe to carry their child but he hadn't paid attention. Now he definitely was.

"What?" Joey asked.

"I'm gonna carry Frank and Alice's baby. I'm gonna do it. I wanna do that. That's….gonna be my birthday gift to them," Phoebe said.

"Seriously?" Ross asked.

"Yeah," Phoebe said.

"You're amazing, Pheebs," Joey said, placing his arm around her. He would always choose Pheebs. Ross could have Rachel. Chandler could have Monica. Phoebe would always remain his favorite girl. He even loved her more than Kristi.

"For your birthday, we'll go to Chuck E. Cheese," Chandler said.

"I've never been there. I've always wanted to go," Phoebe said.

"Well, then we're doing it," Ross said as he and Chandler turned back to the video game.

"Joey, I got cake, " Monica said as she and Rachel returned to the couch. He loved that Monica had indeed put that it was his twenty ninth birthday.

"I like cake," Joey said as they sang him happy birthday. He would enjoy his cake and he would have to figure out a way to enjoy being thirty. It did help when he and Chandler got to switch apartments with the girls a week or so later. It was a trivia game, girls versus guys and the guys won and got to move into Monica and Rachel's apartment and Monica and Rachel moved into the guys apartment. This was the best birthday present ever. He could not believe he got to call the big apartment his new home. Thirty was going to be a good year. Once settled, Joey and Chandler initiated the apartment by having a Baywatch marathon in their chairs.

"This is the best twenty ninth birthday ever," Joey said.

"You're thirty," Chandler.

"Stop it," Joey said, getting choked up. He would remain twenty nine, despite what Chandler said.

"You're not twenty nine...you're old," Chandler said.

"You're an idiot."

"An idiot who in three months, will only be twenty nine," Chandler teased.

Joey shook his head, "you may only be twenty nine, but I'm the one that'll get laid more."

"I have a girlfriend."

"Hey, how is it going with Kathy?" Joey asked. He hadn't seen much of her since his birthday. They had switched apartments and Kathy had not been over. He did find it a little odd but wasn't sure how to push forward.

"Good...you alright with me telling you?" Chandler asked.

"Yeah, I'm over her. I'm twenty nine...I'm maturing."

"Thirty."

"Fuck you," Joey shot back which made Chandler laugh. "Seriously though...you and Kathy are doing well?"

"I like her. I do...she's...yeah, I like her."

"Good. Glad to hear it. I want you happy, man. That's my wish for my twenty ninth birthday."

"Thanks...and you're thirty," Chandler said.

"Don't make me kick you," Joey said.

Chandler laughed as he and Joey continued watching Baywatch. Joey kept thinking about Monica though, about what he, Chandler and Ross had talked about on the bike trails.

"So are you over Monica?" Joey asked.

"She's not interested."

"You know that's not true."

"I don't wanna talk about it. I wanna watch women in bathing suits run around on the beach."

"Alright. G-d, I love this apartment."

"Happy birthday, my man."

They continued watching in their brand new apartment. This was the life, drinking beer, watching Baywatch, hanging out with his brother. There was no better way to kick off being thirty.