A Study in Scarlett
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Word Count:
3,815
Rating/Disclaimer/Summary:
Same as chapter 1, really
Author's Note:
I had a really hard time working on this one the last bit. There was a computer mishap, too, where my tablet died just after I had posted my update for another story and then I couldn't get my charger working to get it back up and running. So that was fun, and with my brain not really working, it was harder to focus it on this story, which seems to take more to do for some reason. Not sure if it's the historical part or not.

And I know they were doing some bonding, and bonding should be good, but with Will, I think it's a bit one step forward two steps back, and so this happened.


On Waking

"You need rest as well, Christian."

Robin nodded. He knew that, but he found it difficult to leave his brother. He'd gone to see Marian a few times, wanting to be sure she was well after all that had happened and that his people were not too great a burden on her, but he had gone back to Will soon after, afraid he would lose his brother if he did not stay by his side. He wasn't sure if he thought he was encouraging him to be stubborn or being that himself, trying to will his brother to recover.

"He will not fade the instant you close your eyes."

Robin sighed. "I know that. I know I've been able to leave and talk to the others, but I feel so guilty for leaving him, even if Marian and the men need me. I failed him so many times, Azeem. I cannot change them. I did him great wrong, and I cannot undo that. I can do this, but if I leave..."

Azeem shook his head. "This is not the way to assuage your guilt, my friend."

"I don't know how else to do it, and I can't stop myself from feeling I failed every time I leave," Robin admitted. "I have other obligations, but I owe so much here it seems like they can't compare."

"That is untrue, and were he awake, I think he'd tell you to do something rather profane with your opinion of that matter," Azeem observed. Robin had to smile at that. "Remember, he does not want your pity. You know that is not what you feel, and you are not doing this because of that, but you cannot ignore the way he will perceive it, either. You must be careful, or he will push you away as he has others."

"He did that with you?"

"Indeed. Every time I learned a painful part of his past or wanted to praise him, he found my words difficult to accept and would avoid me for days," Azeem answered. "It was not an easy path to our almost friendship, and he told me that he did not believe any man would call himself friend to him and mean it."

"You do, though. A man could ask for no better friend than you," Robin told him. "I know I am undeserving of your loyalty, though I thank God daily that you chose that blood debt."

"I did not choose it, but I would not have it otherwise. My place is here now."

"What about your family?"

"I told you. There is nothing for me back there."

"There is here. I will always need your counsel, and I fear my brother needs it as well." Robin looked back at Will. "And he needs your healing even more."

"He is strong yet. He should recover."

"You heard him, Azeem. He didn't want to."

"Were you not in the middle of great despair when he returned to the camp? Did you not consider abandoning your fight against Nottingham when it proved to have such a high cost?" Azeem asked. "He came and admitted the truth of your shared heritage, and that was enough to get you fighting again."

"That is not the same. He always knew I was his brother. He did not gain back a family he thought completely lost. He did not want to acknowledge me, and I do not know that I blame him."

"Not all of the guilt is yours. Your actions were that of a child, but you give no weight to those of the man. Your father may have loved you a great deal if he ended his relationship with this woman for you, but can you say his actions were right? He threw away one son, and while you may have influenced his decision, you did not make it for him. He could have chosen to ignore your anger and married her anyway."

"I wish he had. I was a fool, and had I known my brother... I want to believe I would have been a good one to him, as I was friend to Peter. I want to believe it would have been better for both of us." Robin shook his head. "I've even passed the time here telling him of that foolishness, of the moments I think we could have shared if he was always my brother."

Azeem smiled. "I think you both might have enjoyed that."

"I don't know that we will ever have that, though."

"There is time yet, Christian. When your brother is well, you will have a chance to be the brother you want to be, even if he does not want that." Azeem put his hand on Robin's shoulder. "You will need to rest if you are to be awake when he might be ready for it."

Robin laughed. "I will go in a few minutes. I just had one more story to share."


"It's nothing to be scared of," Robin told his younger brother, picking Will up when he tried to duck behind his legs again. He had to force himself not to laugh. Will would hate him for it, since the boy wanted to be fearless, but he seemed genuinely spooked by the horse. "He won't hurt you."

Will wrinkled his nose. "What about Peter?"

"Peter should have known better than to tease his horse like that," Robin said, shaking his head. "And that mare of his is a temperamental one. This old boy here is a sweetheart, or so my mother used to say when she was alive."

Will bit his lip. "Are you mad?"

Robin frowned. "Why would I be mad?"

"Sad?" Will asked. "I... My mother's still alive, but yours isn't. Are you... sad about that?"

Robin shook his head. "I was sad for a long time, but I'm not sad anymore. Your mother isn't the same person, and I don't think I'll ever see her as my mother, but she gave me you, and I'll always be glad about that."

Will gave him a small smile, and Robin hugged him close for a moment until the younger boy started to squirm. "Let me down. You're squishing me."

"I am not. You just don't seem to like hugs much, and of course as your older brother, I'm obligated to give you as many of them as possible."

"I hate you."

"No, you don't," Robin said. He shifted his hold and lifted Will up onto the back of the horse. "There we go. You look like a natural rider."

"No, I don't. I want down. This is... weird."

"Just give it a minute. Stay calm. You don't want to upset him. The horse can feel what you feel, so you want to be nice and calm."

"I'll be calm after I kick you."

Robin ducked that one before pulling himself up behind his brother. "Let's go for a ride."


"Am not... afraid of horses," Will said, and Robin looked over at him. "Never was."

"You never seemed inclined to spend much time around the ones we did have in camp," Robin couldn't help observing, wondering if his brother was actually awake now or if this was another false start. Will talked sometimes in his sleep, as a part of a nightmare or memory, and Robin had been disappointed more than once to hear his brother's voice only to find Will was still deep in his fevered dreams.

"They smell, and they always want food I don't have," Will muttered. "Doesn't make me scared of them."

"Do you know how to ride?"

Will shook his head. "Never learned. She taught me... to swim... said they used to... swim together... was how... they started... but riding... no. That's for rich nobles."

Robin smiled. "Not just for the rich, though I suppose you never really had access to one. Maybe I can share that with you, teach you to ride. If you'd like that."

"Rather learn from the Moor."

Robin wasn't surprised by that, though it did hurt a little all the same. "That's fine, so long as you agree to accompany on a ride once you've learned."

"What for?" Will asked, and he tried to sit up then. He looked around in confusion. "Where the hell are we?"

"Marian's family home," Robin answered. "She offered to give us shelter. None of us felt it wise to stay in Nottingham's castle, and Sherwood still needs to be rebuilt, though most of the men have gone home. John's been supervising getting their houses in the village built or repaired. I know I should be there helping, but I couldn't leave you."

Will snorted. "More like you couldn't leave her."

"I have spent most of the past week with you," Robin said. "Though I suppose you might not believe that."

"If that's true, you're a fool." Will grimaced, putting a hand over his stomach. Robin reached over and grabbed the bowl, holding it out in case Will did vomit again.

"The infection was severe, Azeem said. You have been out for over a week since we stopped Nottingham. It didn't help you thought Azeem would act like that apothecary and hurt you when you were healing."

Will stared at him. "How do you know about that?"

"You told me. You were feverish, and I knew you would not want me knowing, but I know," Robin told him. "I wish I could have spared you that."

Will snorted. "Oh, yes, because you sending me to the dungeons when I was thirteen was truly kind. Go away."

Robin sighed. "I was a stupid, prideful idiot. Is there no hope you can forgive me for that?"

Will turned away from him. "I want you to leave."

Robin should have known that the moments he'd created for them were only dreams, illusions of things that would never be. He had hoped that when his brother woke, he'd feel less of that hatred toward him, but he'd been fooling himself. "I also wanted to find that man and kill him myself."

Will grunted. "He's already dead."

"I know, but no child deserves what he tried to force on you, and I am not sorry he's dead. I'll never forgive myself for allowing you to be in that position at all. I should never have forced my father to send your mother away. Azeem says it was my father's choice, but I still blame myself."

"I hate both of you."

"That is fair."

"Oh, do not talk of fair. You're annoying me. Go away."

"I will go," Robin agreed, "as I want to find Azeem and have him look at you again."

Will didn't respond, and Robin almost thought he'd be unconscious again when he returned with Azeem.


"You seem to have improved, young Christian."

Will groaned. "I do not feel like it. Why am I still alive?"

"I fear," Azeem told him, "you are more stubborn than even you know, and you would not accept letting go or giving up and dying as much as you might have thought it was the easier solution. You are not the sort."

"Guess I am an idiot, then," Will muttered, and Azeem smiled, though he did not like to laugh at such a statement. "I thought he'd come back with you."

"I had the lady waylay him, thinking she might coax him into resting. He has barely left your side since you were taken ill. I could not convince him that he would do himself harm and you no good in his own poor state."

"Yeah, I know. He has to make everything up to me." Will sighed. "I shouldn't have told him. I don't want his pity or this... farce of caring. I am nothing to him. I was nothing before, and I am nothing now. Calling me a brother does not change that."

"It has, though it is you that refuse to see it," Azeem said. "You do not want to let go of your anger."

"He can't just apologize for the past and take all that pain away. The memories don't disappear because he says he's sorry. I still have to live with what happened to me and..."

"And there are times when you wish you did not," Azeem finished for him. He sighed. "You did not live an easy life. It would seem like the Christian did. He had no troubles at all save losing his mother until he left for the Crusades. War is an unpleasant thing, and it changes us all in ways we cannot predict. He has changed. The boy who sent you off to that dungeon was not the man that returned from prison in Jerusalem."

"He didn't give much proof of that by starting this damned war with Nottingham," Will said. He winced, putting a hand on his stomach. "Damn it, that hurts."

"It was infected," Azeem said. "It will likely be tender for some time, even if the fever is now gone and you are once more with us."

"What other stupid things did I saw when I was feverish?"

"What do you mean?"

"I told Locksley something I've never told anyone," Will said. "I don't know why I would have, even if it was a fever. I... I never admitted it, never spoke of it. They might know I killed the apothecary, but they just assume I didn't want to pay or that I ran out of money..."

"He wanted something else for his services."

"Great. Now I've told you, too. Damn it."

Azeem sighed. "It is not so dire a thing to share with others, even when those secrets we hold are painful or even seem shameful. None of us are perfect, though I would argue that the fault in these incidents lies not with you but with the men you encountered, for something truly great was wrong with them for them to desire such a thing from a child."

Will grimaced. "That does not make it any easier. Or less... shameful."

"You allow your own feelings too much weight here. No one is judging you for what they did except you. The rest of us understand the fault is with the man who perverted his own desires and not the child made the victim of them."

"Don't call me that. Ever."

Azeem should have guarded his words more carefully. He had upset the younger man by the use of the word friend, and this was much worse a choice. "I merely wanted you to understand that it is not you who is to blame, nor do we see you as that person. I cannot take that pain from you, though were it within my power or your brother's, we would gladly do so."

Will turned to face the wall. "I'm tired. Leave me alone."

"I hope someday you will see that it is not as devastating as you think to share with anyone and that people can still care about you despite these secrets you try to hide."

"Go away."


Marian slipped into the room, knowing that its occupant would not be the only one upset with her if they knew she was here. She did not know what else to do, though. Robin was greatly distressed, blaming himself for every wrong in his brother's life, and she had not thought he would rest at all. She wasn't sure her mother's old trick with the humming would work, but eventually he stopped pacing and managed to sit still long enough for the fatigue to catch up to him.

She had seen Azeem before his prayers, and he looked quite upset as well.

She hoped this did not mean that they were concealing something about Will's condition from her and that he was doing worse. He should be better, since Robin had said he was awake, but something was still wrong.

"You know your skirts make more noise than you think," Will said, and she jumped, putting a hand on her chest and shaking her head at her foolishness. "I suppose I should be thanking you for my current lodgings."

"I did not come for that."

"If you wanted to know how I am, I think Robin or the Moor could have told you."

"No, I didn't come because of that," she said. "I do not know if you know this—"

"He never left my side. Yes, I know," Will sat up, leaning against the wall for support. "I suppose you think I should be glad of it, but I'm not."

"A rather selfish part of me is glad he has been so preoccupied with you," she admitted, seeing him frown. "It was... rather unpleasant for me when Nottingham had me in that tower. He had the bishop perform a farce of a wedding ceremony and was quite intent on... having a wedding night then and there."

Will stared at her. "I... I don't think you want to be telling me this."

She shook her head. "I cannot go around denying it, for more than Robin and I know what happened there, but as I am both hopeful and dreading that your brother will ask me to marry him, I may yet become your sister, and you... you would know of it eventually."

"You don't have to tell me. I'm not really his brother, not in a way that matters."

"Don't say that. To Robin, you mean a great deal, and it would like to break him that he did so much harm to you without knowing it," she said. She gestured to the bed by Will's legs. "May I?"

"It's your house."

"And your bed. I could stand," she said, though she took the place he'd offered her, needing it for a moment. "I cannot pretend that I do not feel... ashamed of what happened there, though I also had to tell you that."

"You didn't?"

She shook her head. "While I wanted to see your condition for myself as both Robin and Azeem seemed upset despite you waking, I had... Duncan told me something before he died, and I believe you were the one that demanded silence of him, a silence he could not keep, the guilt weighed upon him too much."

Will frowned. "The idiot did ask me to forgive him, but I was too angry, and it didn't even matter. I just wanted to make sure he didn't say anything to Robin. I thought he had, that was why Robin apologized to me, but he hadn't."

"I fear he may still have done you the same kind of harm Robin did," Marian said. "He admitted to me he burned letters to your father, Lord Locksley. About your birth and later when you were ill and she asked for help. He believed your mother had lied and never let Lord Locksley see the letters."

Will swore. "I think if he wasn't dead, I'd be tempted to make him that way. Bastard. If I hadn't been sick, she would never have—Damn it. The fever is gone. I don't know why I'm still talking like it isn't."

Marian reached over and touched his hand. "I think, if what I just heard you say part of is true, she loved you a great deal, and that is probably what you should remember of her when you think about her. We are not all so fortunate."

"I don't know that she did. If I were her, I would have hated me. Her life was hell because she had me, and it wasn't a secret."

"Love seems worth the risk."

"If you and my brother are... intimate, that is not something I wish to know."

She flushed red. "No, that's not at all what I was saying. I just... your mother loved your father, and she did that knowing the possible outcomes and consequences. She felt that love was worth it. In the end, I suppose it wasn't, though Lord Locksley was one of the better men I knew, and I see many of his admirable qualities in his son now that he has grown and changed. I would like to see them in you as well."

Will laughed. "I doubt that very much."

"Nevertheless, I am glad you recovered and I also have a chance to know more of you than those bitter exchanges at the camp. Oh, and little Rosie has been asking everywhere for you. 'Up, up,' she says. I fear we all thought she'd be bad for your recovery, climbing on you as she does."

He looked down at his front. "Azeem says they may take longer to heal because of the infection. They're still sore."

"You sound much better than you did the last time I saw you, though," she said. "You weren't truly awake then, though we thought for a time you were. You even insulted Robin, and he was so sure... but then you rolled over and his face fell. It was almost funny and yet... heartbreaking."

"It would be better for him if he did not care. I don't know that I can ever be what he wants. I don't know how to forgive anyone."

"Perhaps you will learn. You might try and start with yourself."

"Excuse me?"

"I was standing next to Nottingham when he called you a turncoat," she said. "I know, from what everyone has said, that was not true, but with your anger, you are likely confused about that and with the way that crowd turned against you... you must feel that he was right."

"I have wanted to kill Robin several times."

"You never did."

"Don't make me a hero. You'll only disappoint yourself."

She shook her head. "I am not looking for a hero, only the good man that child sees in you, and I think he exists and deserves your forgiveness. Now, I should go, and you should rest. Try not to get too irritated with your brother, as difficult a task as that seems to be sometimes."

"You sure you want to marry him?"

She smiled. "You tempt me to tease you."

"I think you flatter yourself now," Will told her. "I'm not interested in you. You might have been one of the prettiest women there that night, and your dress was certainly the fanciest, but I don't exactly like nobles, so it would never have worked between us."

"What a pity. I would so have enjoyed letting your brother think you might steal me away."

He snorted. "I'm not sure if that's a cruel thing to say or a stupid one. For someone who claims to want us to reconcile, you would not be helping by causing a division between us, though... his reaction might be amusing all the same."

"Well, perhaps when you've rested and thought it over, we may yet agree to tease him together. Until then, sleep well, Will Scarlett."