I did as I said I would. I updated. Yes, after this.. We are almost closing in on the end! I hope this aint confusing for you. SPOILER: Edward's letters are in italics. (:
I don't own twilight or Edward, I just own the content of his letters.
***
Just for a little while more, I wanted to stay in my cocoon while I tried and blocked out the voice that was still mocking and scorning me.
"Liar, you liar! Now, positively the heart and mind are on fire."
***
I sat there with my thoughts scattered until two in the morning, and only stirred from my position to shut the doors leading to my balcony when the rain became too heavy to ignore. My throat was parched from crying and my eyes felt swollen. I despised looking into the mirror and headed out my room to get some water from the kitchen.
I took my time walking down the steps, holding on to the hand railing, afraid that my shaky legs might ultimately cause my death. What an ironic thought that crossed my mind, and I felt like smirking, but did not have the strength to do so.
I paused when I got downstairs, the lights in the den were still on and I could hear the sound of soft cheering blaring from the sports channel Charlie was watching. Since when did Charlie stay up so late?
I headed straight to the kitchen and gulped down several glasses of water, straight from the tap. Who cares about hygiene at two in the morning anyway? As I passed the den, I peeked in and saw Charlie head on the arm rest of the sofa; his snoring was almost as loud as the television was.
I stared at him from the doorway for awhile, and finally went back upstairs to his room to fetch him a blanket. The rain was pouring cats and dogs, and he would have gotten ill from lying here all night. Pulling the blankets up to his chins, I turned off the television and turned out the lights from the lamps, plunging the den into an immediate darkness.
Charlie's snores were soothing in the dark, communicating his presence to me. I stood in my spot for a little longer, staring at my old man and when my eyes finally adjusted enough to the darkness, I left and went back to my room, not bothering to turn on the lights in my room except the bedside lamp.
I finally gave in to the urge that was overwhelming me now. I moved from my spot by the bed and headed over to my desk, reaching around the desk to grope for the stack of letters. I was the moth and I was finally giving in and flying to my fire.
Will the fire consume me in his flames?
Will the fire reduce me to ashes?
Or will it smolder me and leave me searing and scalded?
I could only make my guesses, and none of which left me convinced that I would be the same girl I was twenty four hours ago. I took a deep breath and let it out, blowing my bangs out of my eyes before settling down on the floor against the bedside table, pulling my comforter over my legs for warmth. Slowly and tantalizingly, I pulled apart the knot on the string that held the stack of letters in place and took the first letter on top of the pile, leaving the rest beside me on the floor.
Here goes nothing, I thought to myself non-humorously and flipped open the light blue envelope. The front of the envelope was sprawled with my name in Edward's classic script, and looked like it had been smudged.
2nd January 2009
Dear Stranger,
The New Year was odd and peculiar without your presence. It felt as though there was someone close whom we have left out in our celebrations, and Alice could not even offer her constant energy to be the life of the party. The spark was missing, and the spark was you.
You have probably been in London for five days already, and I never felt more lost. It was like the times when Emmett brought us to that maze in the park, and we couldn't find our way out. That thought was scary and raw, and I never felt like that before. Even back then in the maze, I had you for company.
I tried calling you today, and yesterday, and the day before…And the day before that, but it went straight to your voice mail. When I told Alice that your cell phone probably had some problems, she called me a bastard and told me that if she was in your place, she would put me on auto reject.
We got into an argument about nothing in particular, and she stormed off after calling me a bastard again. I guess I am. And the fact that someone was saying it in my face made the realizations almost relieving. Bella, my dear, I am writing this letter to let you know about the things I left unspoken in my heart and head; and I am also writing this letter partially to keep myself sane, despite knowing that I have no address to mail this to.
Bella, love, I wished you screamed at me before you left, instead of looking at me with sad, soulful brown eyes, tears brimming and on the edge of falling. I wished I would have caught those tears with my fingers, and smooth away the frown on your face. I was blinded, I was a bastard… For not having the courage to return your feelings, for… It's so ironical, isn't it?
I'm writing this letter, but I do not have an address to mail it out to. My only odds are that deep down in your heart you will receive these letters of mine. Sometime, somewhere, somehow.
Do you remember that day we first met, Bella? When you smashed your ice cream into my favorite jacket? I knew it there and then at the back of my mind that you were going to be a permanent feature in my life. I tried to fight it, not allowing you to come close to me, disturbing you, giving you every reason to loathe me. But when that accident happened and I saw you so weak and helpless, crying and yet resisting the urge to sob fully, I couldn't help the surge of love that flowed through me. I wanted you to have someone, and that someone was me. I know that we were only children at that point of time, Bella love, but I started loving the girl who creamed me with chocolate chip, and I still love this same girl who has packed her bags and ran abroad without saying Goodbye.
The only underlying problem now is, does the girl love this idiotic coward? I hope she does, because he loves her, always will.
I know I sound insane already but I'll keep writing, love. I miss you and I love you.
Edward with love.
***
I felt my tears dropping onto the paper and his signature became a smear of black ink against the cream paper. What he had said today at the tree… what he had confessed obviously took him courage and I had destroyed that for us. Me and my stupid mouth. I was crying fully now, sobbing and sniffing and hugging the piece of paper to my chest, gasping as I reached up to get that tissue box.
I cleaned my tears and felt my heart constricting again as I laid the first letter on my lap and reached for the next one. The stack of letters was still high, and each one was a piece of jigsaw and a map for my heart to become whole again.
3rd January 2009
Dear stranger,
Remember when I told you how I felt that Harvard was not the place for me? Well, my heart was never with Harvard. My body might have been there physically but my soul and heart was somewhere else. It was 204 miles away in New Jersey, with my best friend who has become a stranger now; thanks to no one but me.
I arrived on Princeton campus yesterday. And it's exactly like you have described, beautiful, warm and very sunny. But somehow there's a cloud hanging over my head. Literally, Bella.
The place was brimming with life, and exactly how I imagined. Only in my imagination, you would be greeting me here and not thousands of miles away. I feel your presence so strongly in every part of city even though I've never been here with you, only in my dreams and your descriptions.
Alice is
finally talking to me again; or screaming at me rather. She's upset
that I haven't told her about my decision to transfer to Princeton
and kept her screaming constant after I explained to her that I had
left for Harvard right after the homecoming fair to submit my
transfer documents and to pack my things from the dorm.
When she
finally cooled down enough to tell me about what happened at the
fair, I felt my heart breaking. I never knew, Bella. I never knew how
you felt. I was so consumed with the way I felt about you, the way
you seemed so right for me, that I was afraid; very afraid to let you
know of my feelings.
I haven't got the courage to tell you the truth, my love; and that will always be my biggest regret. For everything that has happened between us, I feel I owed you that much, the freedom to explore the world without me, to spread your wings and reach your goal. It took all my restraints not to fly to you and of course more screaming from Alice about bothering you.
Enjoy your time in the United Kingdom, sweetheart… But my love, please don't take too long, for back home, a man is waiting for you.
I love you.
Edward.
***
Edward had finally explained about the day at the homecoming fair and I felt my heart squeezed tightly against my ribcage, pounding and screaming in tune with my head. I tugged the comforter off my legs to reveal the scar on my knees and touched it gingerly as the tears kept falling. Edward, oh Edward… what have I done?
What have we done?!?
The letter was slightly crumpled in my hands as I clutched it desperately, trying to find some kind of assurance that this was not just a dream. Not another one of those dreams where Edward fell in love with me, and where we lived happily ever after.
I reached immediately for the next letter, wanting to be assured of his confession, wanting to hear and read more. I could almost hear his velvet voice cracking while I read the letters, it was like reading Edward's journals, only they were addressed to me. The letters were like my drug, my glue, and I was the sniffer. Desperate for more. I read the third one, and then the fourth, watching and reading Edward's days passed for him. He wrote every day, every single day. On some days his letters were sad and heart wrenching, and on some days, he talked amicably about school and his life… they all had a common trait. They always ended with "I love you".
***
14th February 2009
Dear stranger,
I came by your apartment in Princeton to help you clean it up for the first time today. It took a lot of coaxing from Charlie to make me a spare set of keys. To be exact…Three months, Carlisle, Esme and a lot of whining and dazzling from Alice finally did the trick.
Being in the space which you have called home last semester. I felt like you were here with me. The kitchen had your touch in it. Spotless and free of oil and dirt. I saw the photo albums on your table, my Bella. Pictures from the time we meet, up till last Christmas.
I never got to tell you last year, that you looked beautiful in that dress Alice picked up for you. In fact even when you were dressed in your sweats and hoodie, you could make me swoon. What a joke isn't it, love? You always thought I was the kind that never noticed what you wore.
Sweet Bella, I always noticed. I always adore how blue complimented your skin perfectly. The way it made your skin glow and shine, I miss you Bella. The album held the ten years we knew each other and each picture always had a memory attached with it. Remember the story we read, about how it took three times the amount of time you knew someone to get over them? I don't ever want us to end Bella, and if it takes all but forty years to get you back, I'll do that. I hope you will still love me when I'm fifty, balding, fat and have failing eyesight, my love. I know I will love you, even at eighty.
Everywhere on campus, people are telling their crushes, their significant other, their infatuations, their girlfriends, their fiancées, their wives that they adore them. It was only then did I notice that it was Valentine's Day. I bought a rose, wanting to give it to the girl I loved, but she's in London now, and she still doesn't know about my true feelings. She's not picking up my calls either, but I don't blame her. I only blame myself…
So with this letter, I have added a rose. I don't know if you will ever receive it, but I'm sending my love and a greeting for you to have a Happy Valentine's Day in U.K. I hope we get to spend the next eighty valentine days together.
I love you, my Bella.
Love, Edward.
***
Edward was opening himself to me in these letters. He was sharing so much, and telling me, assuring me about his love. The tears were slowing down, but they were still slipping out from my eyes. I laughed as I read, and I smiled at the dried rose I found in the envelope. It was wrinkled and all dried up, but the full flower, though now brown and lifeless hinted that it was once a magnificent beauty, red and bought with the most truthful heart. I cradled it in my palm and brought it to my lips.
"I received your love Edward, and I hope we can spend the next eighty Valentine days together too…" A smile crept onto my lips as I whispered my reply to the flower. There was so much I needed to say to this man, who drove me mad and drove me over the edge, but made me fall in love with him after all.
I placed the dried rose softly into the musical box that had travelled the United Kingdom with me and back and left it open, so that the comforting sound of Claire de Lune filled the room as I reached for the next letter in the decreasing pile.
17th April 2009
Dear Stranger, my sweet love
I went to visit Alice over the weekend, and was on her laptop when I came across pictures of you in a folder labeled "Bella at Lake District".
Unable to contain my excitement, I googled Lake District and saw the beautiful and breathtaking sceneries there. I immediately felt a connection with you. Did you stand on the edge of the hill and look down at the magnificence of having the lake beneath your feet while feeling the wind swirl around your slender body? I imagine you would.
And I imagine myself there with you, my arms wrapped around your tiny waist, feeling your heat against mine. We must go there one day in the future…will you have a future that included me? I pray to the heavens you do.
Many thoughts ran through my mind. It felt almost liberating to see your face again, even if it was just a photograph of you on the computer screen. I sent the picture to my own emailed and crossed my fingers that Alice wouldn't have discovered my snooping.
What are the thoughts that were going through your mind while you stood at the edge, overlooking the beautiful lake? What were you thinking about when the picture was taken? You looked faraway and enchanting, a beauty against nature's splendor. I wished, I can only wish that I was there to capture and lock the look on your face while you admired the scenery with my own eyes.
I love you, beautiful Bella, always did, always do.
Edward
***
At that moment when I put down that letter, I ran immediately to get my camera and strolled to the picture that I send Alice of my visit to Lake District. I thought back to that day momentarily and realized the thoughts from that day were similar to what Edward wrote. I wished that he had been there with me.
One day, I promised myself. One day, Edward and I will return there and he will wrapped his arms around me and enjoy that picturesque view with me. And the winds will surround us and whipped our hair around our faces as we stand on the edge of the hill, looking down at the fig trees below and the green lake; and I will finally get my answer as to which was deeper. The lake, or Edward's green orbs.
29th May 2009
My sweet Stranger,
Just two more months and a day more to your return. Yes my love, I know I have probably written about 150 letters by now, and they are piling up high. Jasper came down yesterday and he saw the letters in their envelopes with your name on the fronts lying on my desk.
He gave me one of his most incredulous looks and asked me, "Are you still thinking about her? What about Adeline?"
I left with him without an answer, but I am telling you the answer. Yes, my love, yes. I am still thinking about. The thought of you and us has never left my mind since I was twelve, and it would stay that way, even if you were miles and miles apart from me. Distance won't erase you from my mind, neither can time. They only make me think and miss you more.
Adeline… She was my test to you. I wanted so much to tell you of my feelings last fall. So I used Adeline to gage your reactions. I thought my heart would break when you told me to go for her, and you fell asleep after that. I went back to my room and thought long and hard that night; and in the morning, I had breakfast with Adeline. But I realized there was never going to be that spark and that chemistry I shared with you. Adeline was always a friend, and nothing more, love.
I went by your apartment again to help clean up; and ended up writing this letter there. So if you thought this paper looked familiar, it's yours. I watched the news while I dusted around the hall and they reported about the temperature. You must be laughing now. Since when does Edward Cullen care about temperatures?!
I do, only because my love and my heart are at that continent.
It's summer in the United Kingdom. It was reported that even thought the sun was warm, the winds are still really cool. Remember to keep your jacket on hand, love. And if you're wearing flip-flops, do be really careful. Don't argue with me, I know you're clumsy like that. I miss your silly clumsiness and absent mindedness. They never cease to amuse me and make me fall for you even more.
I love you, dearest.
Edward.
***
I kept reading; the letters were like my life line. And I was right. Four hours ago, I was a wreck, but now, hope was bubbling in my chest. I have to fix this. Whatever it was between the both of us, I hope we get it back. I nodded my head to that thought and reached for more letters. Only about sixty more to go. He wrote without fail, everyday, rain or shine.
30th June 2009
Oh silly Bella, my dearest stranger!
It's been six months! A hundred and eighty days and counting!
I don't know how you get pass your days, but mine are the equivalent of a zombie's- lifeless and almost to the point of meaningless. It was as though my existence had become meaningless, my days nothing more than a rut and a routine.
If there's one thing that is pushing me on, it's your impending home-coming. Honey, I'm counting all the days desperately. I miss you, I feel like I can't say that enough to bring my point across. I miss you! I miss you! I really, really do miss you!
I just got back to Princeton from home. It was tough being back there with Alice and Emmett when there is a prominent absence. I'm not letting you go again. EVER.
On my first day back, I wanted desperately to call you. Hear your voice and tell you that its one big stupid mistake. Once again, it was your voicemail that greeted me. I somehow am grateful that you record your own voicemail and not use one of those default ones. At least I can hear your voice telling me to leave a message after the beep!
Right after we came back from the summer vacations, Princeton released it monthly paper and I saw your face in the paper, reporting outside the old Edinburgh palace. The palace is a splendor isn't it? But the biggest beauty I know is definitely in that place right now. You look beautiful, love. Your hair is longer, your bangs have grown out; but your chins look somewhat sharper. Have you not been eating well? My heart breaks that you might have lost more weight on your skinny frame, sweetie.
I could not bring myself to disrupt the peace you've given yourself by my selfish, wistful ways. So I'll wait, for you to come home and then we'll talk. I cannot wait to kiss those lips of yours sweetie. For now, I shall be contented with a recent picture of you in my wallet. Stay warm, and safe.
And don't forget, I love you.
Edward
20th July
Dear Stranger and my love,
It was weird for me today, not waking to your chirpy birthday greeting.
I stared at my cell the entire day, wishing that your name would flash across the screen. Halfway during my mid day lectures, I was horrified to see that my battery was dying and I ditched class there and then, only to go home and charge it.
If you were here, you would probably laugh that musical laugh of yours and tell me that I'm being silly. That's my biggest problem, you're not here and somewhere off in the United Kingdom, without me and a bunch of other blonde hair dudes trying to seduce you. Are there any blonde hair English men as Emmett claim???
Well, hopefully Carlisle being a doctor and his awkward "abstinence is key" lecture had some effect on you. I'm kidding sweet Bella. If there is nothing more that I could trust in the world, I trust you.
Finally I gave in to my desires and call, knowing in my heart that your voicemail will greet me again; but when your voice came on the line.. I was almost rendered speechless. You remembered; you remembered my birthday and it was all I could ask of you! You sounded distant, and scared and I was worried sick about how faraway you appeared to be. I can only comfort myself that you were probably busy.
The conversation lasted barely five minutes but that was enough. More than enough. I have had my best birthday gift. And it was from you, thank you darling.
Take good care of yourself for me would you? Alice misses you so, so much too. Come home soon, my love.
I love you.
Edward
***
The letters varied in length, but they never failed to evoke some sort of emotions in me. I could laugh, I could smile, I could cry… but I could not deny the fact that I was irrevocably in love with Edward. I love him… and I was going to repair the crack I created. He waited for me for eight months, and I will not let him wait any longer.
My heart was done waiting, my heart was done with being afraid. The ball was in my court, and I was going to make my serve. I know my sporting abilities are probably few and rare, but this was one serve I would put my whole heart, mind and life into.
Behind me there was a soft glow. The sun was rising slowly, but surely and the rain was nothing more than a soft drizzle now. It was a new day; a new start. And I was determined to make this the beginning of a new life.
Edward, I am coming for you. Finally.
***
What's the most memorable letter you have ever received? I have quite a few.
Doesn't that answer sooo many of your questions and do you love me slightly more now? LOL. (: Ah wells, review and let me know what you think! This has been tiring to write for me, having the need to swap between Edward and Bella, but keeping everything in Bella's point of view! Hope I did not confuse you too much! Cheers!
