So, I have a new update for you. I hope you like it as well. And of course you're like always welcome to share your opinions. Enjoy.
T73.
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I sit in the Dirty Robber and roll the bottle of beer between my hands. I thought I would di Boston a favor by my actions. Instead, I risk everybody's life. I've attacked an Detective who probably is in the position to feed us with information. If I would be Cavanaugh, I would make me handing in my badge. I glance at my wristwatch and order another beer because it's only five pm. I still see Maura's troubled gaze as I attack Parr. It was full of horror and concern and something I can't name. Maybe fear? Yeah, I think I saw fear. If I die in a car crash later, I probably do everyone a huge favor. I furl my eyebrows as I down the rest of my old beer. Where the hell did that thought came from?
I sigh heavily and rub my buzzing forehead. Normally now I would feel soft hands on shoulders which tries to soothe me, but this time they don't come and I don't expect them to. Because Maura seemed to be mad and shocked.
"Should I call a cab for you," the bartender asks as he places the new beer in front of me.
I glance at him and shake my head with a small smile.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"You don't wanna hear my story."
He smiles sympathetically. "I'm a bartender, Jane. I get pay for that."
I chuckle and sip my new beer. "Next time, Chris."
He shrugs his shoulders. "I can't force you to."
I smile again and throw a few bills on the counter, "See ya, bud."
"Same time, same place."
I don't comment that and leave the bar, I can feel his eyes on my back because I gave him a good tip.
I look up in the sky and see the first cumulus clouds in this season and see in-cloud lightning. It's like heaven's prognosticating a doom-laden end of an screwed up day.
The first thick raindrop huts the ground and is followed by thousand others.
I hear a loud thunder rumbling in the distance and sprint to my Mazda. Tomorrow it will be hot and stuffy.
Maybe then I don't care anymore.
I sit down in my car and exhale through my mouth. I know that I am not really in the condition anymore to drive a car, but I have a meeting with Ben Everman. If I don't show up then he'll become suspect. I start the engine and switch on the windshield wipers. I maneuver the car in the street and head off to my next stop.
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I turn the car into the alley from yesterday and frown when I see only a single car. Yesterday it looked other here. Yesterday it looked more like an car pool.
Today, here's only a Lexus IS-F in the color of red and black. But it's pimped, too.
I stop were I forced Ben yesterday to talk to me.
He stands under a roof and steps into the rain as soon as I bring my car to an halt.
I get out of it and look around, "Where are the others?"
He shrugs his shoulders. "They don't wanna play in the rain. So we don't drive races tonight."
I raise an eyebrow, "So my entire test should have been a damn race?"
"One of a few," he replies. "You passed one by showing up. My brother said you would fail."
"He doesn't like me, huh?"
"You held a gun to his balls."
"I call that power of persuasion."
He glance at me and starts to laugh.
I join him and frown slightly. "So, what's next?"
"Now," he says and holds up an tequila bottle. "we're drinking."
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I lay down on the mattress and wrap my arms around Maura's middle, burying my hand under her head.
She shudders as my cool skin touches her hot.
I didn't bother me with taking a shower, I just brush my teeth and changed into one of my BPD shirt and a shorts. I sigh and kiss her shoulder.
She sighs too and turns in my arms to face me. Her hazel eyes meets my brown ones.
Well, right now her eyes are more brown than green. I learned early that it means that she's worried.
How can I know that? Because her eyes are like a mood ring to me.
Green with a hint of gold: Fantastic mood.
Green with brown: Normal to it could be better.
The shade of light brown: She is mad or she is worried.
Bilious green: Careful.
Emerald green: Love, safety, satisfaction.
Now she has light brown eyes.
I furrow my eyebrows and wimper pitiful.
She runs a hand through my damp hair and my eyes fall shut.
My whole body warms up as her lips brushes mine.
She sobs as she let her hand wander along my facial contours down to my chin. "I am afraid that I am losing you."
I keep my eyes closed and lean into her touch. "No, you won't."
"You frightened me today, Jane."
My eyes snap open. "I would never hurt you."
"I know," she whispers.
"I'm sorry," I mumble. Even though I brushed my teeth I know that she still can smell the hint of the alcohol that I drank. I will never touch tequila again. "I saw the fear in your eyes. I ... I am not like that. I am not a brutal basher. It's just ... I thought that Eric Parr would be in cahoots with John Dillinger. And it drove me nuts, I just saw red as I saw Parr standing there and acting like he would be best friends with Cavanaugh and Korsak. And you were standing next to him, smiling. It was all just too much."
She searches my eyes with her own. "Maybe you need a break."
I furrow my eyebrows and am silent for a moment. She isn't all that wrong. Maybe I really need a break. Maybe this is case is a little too much for me right now. "Yeah," I say and take a deep breath. "Maybe. But not until we solved this damn case."
She sighs heavily and runs a hand over my cheek, her thumb caresses my skin. "Just a day or two. For me."
I close my eyes and groan low as she runs her nails over my neck. "I can't," I whisper. "I can't just stop, Maura."
A tear runs down her cheek and she closes her eyes.
I furrow my eyebrows again and wipe the tear with my thumb away. I close the last distance and kiss her gently. That I am the reason for her tears breaks my heart, that I am the cause of the state of her emotions. I roll her gently on her back and kiss her along her neck. "Don't cry because of me, Maura." I mumble against her skin. "Please don't cry, Maura."
Her sobs turn into sighs as my hand wander over her body. It wasn't my intention that we have sex bow, but I can't stop myself right now. And I don't think that Maura want me to, either. Because she tries to pull my shirt over my head.
I help her by doing it myself.
Maura gasps and let her hands roam over my back.
I close my eyes and kiss her again, this time determining.
She moans and pulls me closer.
I roll my hips as she does so and she spreads her legs even more.
An alarm goes briefly off in my head and I pull away. I look down at her and pierce her wife my gaze.
Maura holds it but shudders.
A growl rumbles from my chest.
She closes her eyes but places an hand on my collarbone. "Not tonight." she whispers.
I furl my eyebrows. I must have misheard. "What?"
She licks her lips and runs her hands over my shoulders. "Not tonight, Jane."
A thousand thoughts swirl around in my head. What the hell just happened? Did I read the signs wrong? Is it because of my behavior of today? Is it because she doesn't want me.
"Stop worrying," Maura says and cups my face. "I would like to, but it would be in the heat of the moment."
"Isn't it always in the heat of the moment," I ask confused.
She smiles understanding at me and takes a deep breath. "Yes, it is. It normally is. But tonight I just want you to hold me. Please just hold me."
I glance down at her and scrutinize her face and a deep frown crawls upon my forehead.
Maura soothes the wrinkles and smiles broadly. "I love you, Jane. And nothing will change that. Can you hear me?"
The whole tension leaves my body and I kiss her gently before I roll off of her. I pull her closer to me and sigh as she roam with her hand over my exposed stomach. Now I am only dressed in my short and sports bra. My eyelids suddenly feel heavy as she caresses my skin.
She kisses my bare shoulder before she places her head on it.
A smile tugs on the corners of my lips before sleep welcomes me.
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I slowly come back to reality as soon as the first sun rays touch my skin but I am surprised as I feel strong arms around me. I open my eyes and look down at me.
Maura lies fast asleep next to me, using my shoulder as an pillow. She almost buries herself into me.
My heart swells and explode in my chest.
I scrutinize her face and smile as I let my thumb wander along her bottom lip.
She sighs and tightens her grip, mumbling something. I smile and suddenly a thought hits me. Not the kind like with Brian Kendall. Although, I'd almost forgotten him. The thought why I'm doing this. Why I risk my life with this operation. To keep people like Maura or my Ma safe. But another thought invades my mind. Something Maura has told me shortly after we have met for the first time. She told me that I will never be able to safe every poor soul on this planet. And she is right. She is so right that I am too proud to admit it. I know it's stupid and selfish, but it's a part of my personality. I have to make a decision and I am not quite sure if Cavanaugh or Korsak will be happy about it.
Maura stirs in my arms and opens her eyes. She glances up at me and smiles. "Good morning."
I smile back at her and run a hand over her arm. "Hey," I reply.
She closes her eyes and sighs. "How did you sleep?"
"Better than the last night," I answer honestly.
She kisses my chin and frowns. "Why didn't you told me that you didn't sleep well?"
I shrug my shoulders and stare at the ceiling, "It wouldn't have changed anything."
"We could have talked about it."
I pause for a moment and sigh, "I am not the person who put feelings into words."
She leans on her elbow and let her eyes over my face. "I know." she says and let her fingers wander over my jawline. "I know that talking about your feelings isn't your strength. But just saying that you had a bad night sometimes helps."
I sigh and furrow my eyebrows. "I know, Maura."
"Something else is bothering you, isn't it?"
I think thoughtfully about my answer. I don't know how she will take it. I don't know how I will take it when I say my decision out loud. I take a deep breath. "I have thought ... a lot. About the case, about us ... about everything. And I came to a conclusion. I think ... Well." I take another deep breath. "I think it is best when I take a break from this case. Because I get the feeling that the boundaries get more and more blurred and that I start to get lost. That I am bogged down."
Maura scrutinizes my face and frowns deeply. "And it's not because of what happened yesterday with Eric Parr? Or because of what I said to you?"
"It's two factors of my decision," I answer honestly and frown as well. "It's just ... I start to feel sympathy for those guys I normally put behind bars and from my co-workers I am hacked off. I feel the need to do things that I normally wouldn't do."
"Like attacking another Detective," she asks.
I hesitate for a moment and narrow my eyes. "I wouldn't say that, no. If he's an asshole than I am willed to smash the person's face in."
She huffs and swats my shoulder, but then she is silent for a moment. "You do this because you want to, right?"
I close my eyes briefly and listen deep into myself, "Yes. I mean, we started our relationship and I moved in with you just a few days ago. And I want to do this right and enjoy it with you. But this case seems to make it impossible and I don't want it to be impossible. I want it to work."
She glances at me and sighs. "But I don't want to be the reason that you give up a case on which you work for two years."
I take a deep breath. I can understand her objection. "There are many reasons, Maura. Our relationship is just one of them."
Maura hesitates and places her head back on my shoulder. "If this decision feels right to you than I will support you."
I close my eyes and caress her arm with my hand. "You don't think I am a quitter?"
She smiles and shakes her head. "Not at all."
I sigh relieved and kiss her temple.
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I was totally right. Neither Cavanaugh nor Korsak are happy that I want to drop the case for a while. I tell them that it is just a break until we don't tread the water anymore. I can convince Korsak after I say that maybe, after the whole situation cools down, Dillinger becomes incautiously and that we can caught him in the act.
With Cavanaugh I need a little bit more arm-twisting but in the end her agrees, too.
He tells me to take a few days off.
I am not really happy about that but agree teeth-gnashingly before I inform my girlfriend and go home.
