Author note: sorry this is a little late, I had a bit of trouble with the chapter but that's over with now. Also, while I'm here I just want to let you know that I reached 100 reviews in the last chapter! (Not just for that chapter obviously) this is by far the biggest milestone I have ever reached in any story I've written and I would like to say thank you to everyone single one of you who reviewed and helped me get to this number, especially FerFrie D, who was my 100th reviewer. You are all amazing, thank you.
Disclaimer: For this chapter I've had to use some dialogue from the book Harry Potter and the Halfblood Prince, in order to make it fit with the book. Obviously I don't own that, just like I don't own any character, other than the ones I made up, or anything Harry Potter related that I didn't add to the story myself. I own nothing.
Chapter twenty-nine: Only Human. Part one
Ivy
You reach a point in life, even as young as I am, where you look at the mess around you and think that things cant possibly get any worse. I had arrived at that point. Exhausted both physically and emotionally from a battle where my every action was to protect the people I loved and the school I lived in, I had to wonder, hadn't I reached the end yet? Born a Seer in a Muggle town I was treated like a freak throughout my primary education, with my unfortunate habit of staring off into space when having a vision helping nothing, it had always seemed more like a curse than a gift. A notion proved even truer by the fact that Voldermort had found out that I was a Seer and began to hunt me down so that if I had a vision about his plans, I couldn't warn Harry about them. I'd been forced to forever leave my childhood home and say goodbye to my family for God only knows how long, on Boxing Day of all days. They were now in hiding from the same monster who was trying to kill me, probably scared witless. I had also just been forced to watch one of my closest friends endanger himself in the name of revenge and had seen my other friends in life threatening situations. And last but certainly not least, I had been betrayed, taken for a fool by a boy I believed I had feelings for. I trusted him despite his actions in the past and yet again he left me standing there, lips blushing red and heart pounding, to run off to his master. He'd probably been laughing behind my back the whole time, poor, simple, trusting Ivy, such an idiot for swallowing all that rubbish about being sorry and wanting to change. Surely all that was enough heart break, just for now. I hadn't complained too much about all that stuff, but surely that was it all by now, there couldn't possibly be any more pain left to come my way. However, it is exactly when you reach that point, where you are barely able to keep from breaking down in tears, when life says 'sorry, I'm not finished with you yet!' and the thing you thought was impossible happens, things get even worse.
Blinking furiously I fought against a fresh wave of pain, knowing that now wasn't the time to fall to pieces, no one but me would understand why I was hurting so much anyway, they didn't know about Draco and I and to be honest I didn't feel like telling them. I had to be strong, to put on a brave face and just move on, I'd get over him and this whole thing would just serve as a lesson to me, a lesson never to trust someone so freely again. I didn't think that it would be a difficult lesson to learn, the thought of never feeling the pain that was gripping my heart again was motivation enough. Choking back yet more tears I fixed a hard expression on my face, held my head that little bit higher and straightened my back out as we finished putting out Hagrid's house.
"S not so bad," Hagrid said as the three of us stood still, regarding the smoking remains of his home "Nothin' Dumbledore won' be able to put righ'..."
Looking to my left I had a clear view of both my companions as Hagrid spoke, so even in the dark I could plainly see the agonized look on Harry's face as he listened to Hagrid. I could only watch in confusion as Harry wrapped an arm around his stomach, as though he had just been punched there. Feeling a cold chill run down my spine that had nothing to do with the wind that whipped my hair around my face, I felt my stomach drop even further, though I had thought there was no more dread left for me to feel.
"Hagrid…" Harry started, turning to face both me and Hagrid as he spoke, hurt in his expression and seriousness in his eyes. He didn't get the chance to finish though.
"I was bindin' up a couple o' Bowtruckle legs when I heard 'em comin'," Hagrid said solemnly "They'll've been burnt ter twigs, poor little things…" he said with a saddened sniffle for the lost Bowtruckles, however I had a terrible feeling that there was worse news than that still to come for Hagrid and I.
"Hagrid," Harry tried again, my mind was whirling, what did Harry want to tell us?
"But what happened, Harry, Ivy?" Hagrid asked and I opened my mouth to answer only for my throat to close up and my eyes to fill again, I shut my mouth, unable to answer that question yet. "I jus' saw them Death Eaters runnin' down from the castle, but what in the ruddy hell was Snape and tha Malfoy kid doin' with 'em? I knew tha Malfoy wa no good, just like his fa'ther. Where's Snape gone – was he chasin' 'em?"
I cringed, Hagrid's use of Draco's name hitting me harder than I ever though it would, now my anger was slowly subsiding all I was left with was the alternating numbness and pain, it was agonising, I wanted my anger back but couldn't summon it. I felt so used. I wanted to close my eyes but I stopped, noticing that Harry was watching my reaction the way I had his earlier, I didn't realise I was hugging myself tightly until I felt his gaze upon me. Feeling disgusted with myself I let my arms fall by my sides, it might hurt but I had to get over this, I had to be strong.
"He…" Harry tried to speak but his voice failed him and he had to clear his throat before answering Hagrid's question "Hagrid, he killed…" my breaking hitched, oh God, I'd forgotten about that, feeling panic renter my system I stared at Harry as Hagrid cut across him, who had Snape killed?
"Killed?" Hagrid asked as I thought about Harry's reaction earlier, how pained he'd looked when Hagrid spoke, but why? I wondered with a slight frown, all Hagrid had done was mention Dumbledore. "Snape killed? What're yeh on abou', Harry?" Harry's serious expression clouded over with pain again and I felt my heart pounding in my chest in genuine fear, no, I thought as an idea occurred me, I had to be wrong, Harry had reacted like that for a different reason, it couldn't be him, it couldn't.
"Dumbledore," Harry said, sounding as though simply saying it caused him great pain "Snape killed…Dumbledore." My wounded heart gave a great and agonising throb, my eyes slid shut, not Dumbledore, I thought even though I knew what Harry said was true, I felt it with every fibre of me and I knew Harry wouldn't lie about this or say it if he wasn't one hundred percent sure. Our headmaster was dead. Snape had killed him.
"Dumbledore wha', Harry?" I heard a bewildered Hagrid ask, the thought inconceivable to him. I kept my eyes shut, letting this latest misery dawn on me on top of everything else. Dumbledore was dead, by Snape's hands, that was why Harry had acted the way he had earlier and why he had been so hell bent on catching up to Snape and making him pay. It made sense but I couldn't wrap my head around it, Dumbledore, old as he was, always seemed like a fixed presence, unaging and permanent, I couldn't imagine Hogwarts without him, I couldn't imagine him not being here any more. It didn't seem right.
"Don' say that," Hagrid told Harry as I opened my eyes, something like panic in his voice "Snape kill Dumbledore – don' be stupid, Harry. Wha's made yeh say tha'?" Hagrid's voice quivered as he spoke and I took a step forwards, laying a hand on his arm in comfort, I couldn't give him anything else but that right then.
"I saw it happen," Harry answered and I lost a little more of the hope I'd been clinging to, Harry would lie about this, I might have lost all faith in one friend but I still trusted Harry whole heartedly and always would do. However I wished that he was lying right then, I was starting to tremble and I wasn't sure how much longer I could keep it together, this on top of everything else was making it incredibly difficult to keep a brave face.
"Yeh couldn' have," Hagrid insisted before looking down at me and saying "Ivy, it couldn' a happened, Dumbledore's not dead."
"I didn't see it, Hagrid," I said shaking my head, my voice croaky since this was the first time I'd spoke since I suggested putting out the fire "but Harry wouldn't lie about this."
"I saw it, Hagrid." Harry repeated softly and Hagrid shook his head, looking completely unconvinced and almost sympathetic for the two of us, silly enough to believe that Dumbledore was dead.
"What musta happened was, Dumbledore musta told Snape ter to with them Death Eaters," Hagrid told the pair of us with authority "I suppose he's gotta keep his cover. Look at yer both," Hagrid said brandishing a large hand towards Harry and I, Harry with his bruises, messy hair, slightly and surprisingly damp clothes and me with my cut cheek, tear strained face and windswept hair. We must have looked a right picture, however right then I couldn't have cared less. "Let's get yeh back up ter school. Come on."
Harry and I didn't say anything else; together with Hagrid we turned back towards the castle and started walking. I looked sideways at my friend, Harry was walking on my right hand side and still looking as agonised as I felt, watching him for a moment I reached out and took his hand, we were both trembling; the both of us having lost people dear to us today. I wasn't as close to Dumbledore as Harry was, but like every other student in the school I felt hurt by his loss, but I couldn't pretend that Dumbledore was the only reason I felt like I did, no, the death of the beloved Headmaster was the final straw, the very last thing to push me over the edge. I'd lost Draco, and while my former friend wasn't dead he might as well have been, I'd never see him again and after finding out that he'd lied to me all this time and that he was one of THEM, I was sure that I never wanted to. Harry squeezed my hand reassuringly, sensing my distress but not knowing the extent of it, how could he? He didn't know how I felt about Draco, hell; I didn't know the extent of it until over an hour ago in the Astronomy Tower. I had really felt something for him, I though, tears threatening to flow again. Scowling I blinked away my tears and fixed my gaze firmly ahead of me, yes, I had felt something for Draco, FELT, past tense, it was just a stupid teenage fancy, nothing else, he was nothing to me now, just a Death Eater I was foolish enough to trust. My big mistake.
As we neared the castle I noticed that there were quite a few windows lit up, making the school stand out and illuminating the grounds, the Dark Mark still tainted the sky above the Tower, filling me up with hate and revulsion at the mere sight of it. Scowling I tightened my hold on Harry's hand and felt my friend's gaze land on me, I didn't turn to face him though, I just carried on walking, heart poised to explode from the intense emotions inside me and determination forcing me forwards as I watched the students wandering out through the destroyed front doors, into the grounds. I felt Harry's trembling grow even more violent and turned to look at him, he was staring just like I had been, but not at the doors, he was looking at the foot of the Astronomy Tower, where there was a dark figure laid out on the floor. My stomach plummeted, oh God.
"What're they all lookin' at?" Hagrid asked from my other side, I heard a whine behind me and looked to find Fang there, head bowed and looking sheepishly towards the Tower. I felt sick. "Wha's tha', lyin' on the grass?" Hagrid continued to ask as he diverted our course and we headed for the figure, around which a few students were already starting to huddle. I looked towards Harry with wide, frightened eyes, the idea of seeing our Headmaster dead more frightening than any Death Eater, Harry met my gaze and looked solemn, confirming my fears. "You two see it? Righ' at the foot o' the Tower? Under the Mark…blimey…yeh don' think someone got thrown-?" Hagrid fell suddenly silent and I turned to him, he looked thoughtful and as we made our way through the crowd of students I felt myself start to panic, I didn't want to see him, I didn't want it to be confirmed, to see it would make everything that had happened tonight seem real suddenly, and I wanted to pretend this was just another dream.
My damaged heart pounding in my chest and blood roaring in my ears, I couldn't hear anything for a while, not the muttering of the kids, not the weeping, nothing until Hagrid let out a moan of misery. At the front of the crowd, at the foot of the Tower and with a half moon of clear space around him, separating him from the others was Dumbledore. A gasp worked its way up my throat but stopped before it could escape, forming a lump instead, a gasp wasn't enough to describe how it felt, how surreal it was, to see brave, dependable, intelligent Professor Dumbledore laid there, arms and legs at odd angles, half moon spectacles askew on his crooked nose. He really was dead. Slowly, I raised a trembling hand to my lips, feeling tears well up in my eyes again but unable to say a word as Hagrid shouted his pained denials and Harry made his way towards the fallen wizard. Harry straightened Dumbledore's spectacles and used the sleeve of his jumper to wipe the blood away from Dumbledore's lips. I wanted to comfort them, to help both Harry and Hagrid for whom this was incredibly awful, probably more so than most others, but I couldn't, I couldn't bring myself to move or say anything. All I could was stand there and shake, lost in my own misery and loss and thinking that this wasn't right, that out of all the things that happened tonight this was the least expected. Dumbledore couldn't be dead, but he was. I watched as Harry picked something up from the grass by Dumbledore and looked at it, I couldn't bring myself to be curious as to what it was though, it didn't matter to me then and I was slowly drawing inside myself, feeling more and more detached from the scene around me and this time it wasn't because I was having a vision. It was anguish, it hurt so much that my mind was trying to distance its self, to make Draco's betrayal and Dumbledore's death hurt less, it worked, I couldn't feel anything.
Fang let out a howl, shocking everyone but having next to no effect on me and Harry, he stayed exactly where he was and so did I. It wasn't long after that I felt a comforting hand touch on my arm for a moment; I looked up as the hand moved and spotted Ginny heading towards Harry, whose body was shuddering with sobs. Hagrid moved past me too, going towards Harry and that knocked me out of my trance, my friend needed me so much more than I needed help, me losing Draco was nothing compared to this, I told myself as I started towards Harry as Hagrid said,
"C'mere, Harry…"
"No." Harry replied, his anguish painfully evident in his voice as he sat their, head bowed and crying, Hagrid tried again to get Harry to move, tears streaming down his own face, but he had no success. Harry continued to fight our attempts to move him until Ginny said,
"Harry, come on." In a gentle tone and took his hand in hers, pulling him to his feet. Harry fought no more, resigned to let Ginny guide him. Numb I walked on Harry's other side, my hand on his arm as Ginny led us through the crowd of horrified students, Hagrid bringing up the rear. Harry was lost to pain as we made our way towards the doors and into the Entrance Hall; rubies still littered the flagstones, like little droplets of blood.
"We're going to the Hospital Wing," Ginny said and Harry looked at her.
"I'm not hurt," he said.
"It's McGonagall's orders, everyone's up there, Ron and Hermione and Lupin and everyone -" she said, cutting off in a pained way causing the three of us, me, Harry and Hagrid, to look at her.
"Ginny?" I asked, suddenly worried, my numbness was fast leaving in the wake of fresh fear, Harry soon voiced my concerns.
"Ginny, who else is dead?"
"Don't worry," she told him "none of us."
"But the Dark Mark – Malfoy said he stepped over a body –" Harry said and I cringed, the mention of Draco's name cutting though me like a knife, shocking me and causing Hagrid to ask me if I was okay, somehow I managed to tell him that I was.
"He stepped over Neville, but he's alright." Ginny answered and I breathed out, remembering Neville saying that when the Death Eater's cursed him before they
got to where I saw them, he had passed out, it was entirely possible that Draco could have stepped over him.
Harry asked Ginny if she was sure and she answered that she was, Harry then asked after everyone else and Ginny told us they were all going to be fine "Bill was attacked by Greyback," she said looking at me since I already knew this, having been there "but we don't really know what the effects will be, him being a werewolf but not transformed at the time. He's a bit of a mess," she said softly, concerned for her brother and looking deeply worried though she tried to hide it "Professor Flitwick was knocked out, but he's all right, just a bit shaky. He insisted on going to see to the Ravenclaws. And a Death Eater is dead, he got hit by a Killing Curse that big blond one was firing off everywhere. Harry, if we hadn't had your Felix potion, I think we'd all have been killed, but everything just seemed to miss us…"
"She's right," I added, my voice a little croaky still, but I had to thank Harry, without him I probably wouldn't be standing here now "I don't know what we'd have done without it."
"You helped too, Ivy," Ginny said looking at me intently and causing me to feel confused as I looked at her, Ginny carried on, explaining what she meant "half of us owe our lives to you; if you hadn't been having visions a lot more of us might have been hurt."
Understanding what she meant I nodded and looked at the floor, feeling oddly annoyed even though I was glad that my friends were safe, it didn't take long for me to pinpoint the cause of my annoyance. At least they were useful this once, I thought irritably, my visions never did any good any other time and they had done me no good where Draco was concerned. I didn't say any of that out loud though, what I did was thank Ginny and tell her than it was nothing, since it was, I wouldn't have let them die or be hurt if I could help it. I loved them all too much for that. We soon reached the Hospital Wing and once we were all inside I immediately spotted Neville, looking pale and apparently sleeping in a bed by the door. Remembering what a state he'd been in when we were duelling I hoped he had a speedy recovery, he was badly hurt and I owed him a lot, he'd saved me more times than I could remember during the duel. Farther down the ward were Ron, Hermione, Luna, Tonks and Lupin, gathered around a bed, blocking the person laying there from our view. At the sound of the doors opening they all looked up, Hermione took off towards us and pulled Harry and I into a hug, over her shoulder I saw Lupin take a step forwards, looking worried.
Hermione released Harry and I after we assured her that we were fine and together we all walked down the Hospital Wing towards the bed they were all stood around, my battered heart gave another prang when I realised who was laying in the bed. It was Bill, barely recognisable with all the gashes and cuts on his face, he had looked bad during the duel and Ginny had told us that he was a mess but I didn't know really how bad his wounds were, not until then.
"Cant you fix them up, with a charm?" Harry asked and Madam Pomfrey, who was beside Bill dabbing something into his wounds, answered with,
"No charm will work on these; I've tried everything I know. There's no cure for werewolf bites." I suppose it hit home then, it actually registered with me that Bill had been savaged by a werewolf, it was a hard thing to digest, even more so in emotional state.
"But he wasn't bitten during a full moon," Ron insisted as he looked down at his brother's face, suddenly I remembered how hard Ron had tried to save him and wished I'd done more myself. "Greyback hadn't transformed, surely he won't be a real-?" he asked and looked up at Lupin, looking lost and afraid. Lupin shook his head "No, I don't think that Bill will be a true werewolf, but that doesn't mean there wont be some contamination. Those are cursed wounds. They are unlikely to ever heal fully, and – and Bill might have some wolfish characteristics from now on.
I came to a stop next to Tonks, who looked down at me from behind her mousy fringe somewhat concernedly, she could probably see the pain and loss in my eyes, she knew me well enough by now that I was sure could read me like a book, however she didn't ask me about it, which I appreciated more than I could say. I wasn't in the mood for talking right now. Instead Tonks rose a hand and rubbed my back gently as Ron said,
"Dumbledore might know something that will work," Ron said sounding hopeful at the idea "Where is he? Bill fought those maniacs on Dumbledore's orders, he owes him, he can't leave him like this-" Ron said, looking around for the Headmaster I knew he would never see again.
"Ron," Ginny said gently "Dumbledore is dead."
"No!" Lupin exclaimed, looking from Ginny to Harry and I, as though hoping we might tell him she was wrong. We didn't and Lupin sank down into a chair, distraught, trembling. He dropped his head into his hands and refused to look at anyone, out of the corner of my eye I saw Tonks look at him, pain of her own in her eyes and one hand reaching out to go and comfort him, she didn't though.
"How did he die?" Tonks whispered from by my side, trying to keep it together "how did it happen?"
"Snape killed him," Harry told them his voice filled with anger and a scowl in place "I was there, I saw it. We arrived back on the Astronomy Tower because that's where the Mark was…Dumbledore was ill, he was weak, but I think he realised it was a trap when we heard footsteps on the stairs. He immobilised me, I couldn't do anything, I was under the Invisibility Cloak – and then Malfoy came through the door and Disarmed him – "
My heart contracted in agony, it was so painful that I couldn't help but raise a hand to my chest and press it against where my heart was, trying to muffle the pain. "Malfoy," I repeated weakly, wondering if it were possible for me to throw up, just like that, and Harry looked at me, hearing the misery in my voice and probably knowing some of what caused it. He nodded and I fought down a whimper as it dawned on me, not only was Draco a Death Eater, he was a favoured Death Eater, one with a job to do, he wasn't just a foot solider, he'd Disarmed Dumbledore. I'd seen him, I thought furiously, I'd seen him before he went up onto the Astronomy Tower, he must have gone right up there after he…after he kissed me, I had been intending on following but I'd seen the fighting going on downstairs and gone to help. What would have happened if I'd followed Draco? Would Dumbledore still be alive?
"- more Death Eaters arrived," Harry continued, eyeing me worriedly "and then Snape…and then Snape did it. Malfoy was supposed to do it, but Snape got there first. The Avada Kedavra." And Harry stopped there, seemingly unable to say any more. I was trembling again now, my hand balled up into a fist against my chest, my mouth set in a firm line and my heart breaking anew. Draco was supposed to have killed Dumbledore, and would have if Snape hadn't done it first? Oh God, I thought as my eyes filled up with tears that I refused to let fall, he was going to kill Dumbledore, the boy who I had trusted and cared for had been about to kill our Headmaster, he was part of the reason he was dead now. And I had known what he was, I had known for months now that he was a Death Eater, I'd just naively assumed that all Voldemort wanted from him was for him to keep an eye on me, when really he had a much more important mission. Murder. I truly was the worst judge of character, ever.
Tonks carried on rubbing my back and from the corner of my eye I saw her watching me even more worriedly, she couldn't understand why I was reacting this way, no one here except my closest friends would, she just saw me starting to break down. Madam Pomfrey burst into tears at Harry's words and around our gathering everyone looked equally distressed; everyone was lost in their own grief until Ginny said,
"Shh! Listen!"
And we did, Madam Pomfrey pressed her fingers against her lips to quieten her weeping, everyone fell silent and I untangled myself from my thoughts, unable to hear anything but them for a short while. And then I heard it, a phoenix, singing somewhere off in the night, singing a song of heartbreaking misery so beautiful that no one said another word, we all just stood there, listening as the majestic bird sang for the loss of its owner. My eyes slid shut as I listened, the sound of the phoenix song covering me like a blanket, oddly soothing and almost dulling the pain somewhat, I didn't think any more, I only listened, thoughts of what I'd lost tonight a million miles away. I knew it was only temporary, but I gave into the relief gratefully, I couldn't deal with my own pain now, it was too much, especially when I was surrounded by everyone else's grief as well.
Author note: Right, just to explain why this ends so crappily, when I wrote this chapter it was ridiculously long, and I mean seriously long, like 18 word doc pages and 10,420 words, there was no way that I could post that. So in the interest of putting up a manageable chapter I've decided to put chapter twenty nine up in two parts. Hopefully part two will be up soon, I just need to tweak then ending, I'm not happy with it.
