A/N: An Idea given to me via an ask through Tumblr!
Anonymous asked: got an error the 1st time so idk if my request sent - sorry if this is redundant. Canonverse: Eren's mind is so fucked up by other memories than he has to depend on what he knows clearly- his training days. Anyone associated with that allows him to keep his thoughts in order and he's essentially a liability without that support. Cue Annie being freed and mirroring their previous interactions, Eren is close with her again. The SC work out a deal with her so they don't lose (1/2)
(2/2) their biggest asset and they gain another shifter. However, the 104th have to deal with eren's lapses in memory and Annie especially gets the brunt of it when Eren loses touch and calls her Dina, or things like that. (This is if you're still doing requests, if not feel free to ignore this. I thought it'd be interesting after those answers given about Eren from that event)
Relapse
He saw her cry again. He watched helplessly, as tears ran down her cheeks, dyed crimson from the numerous cuts on her face, he could hear her choked sobs so clearly this time. Before it was just the sound of distant weeping echoed in pitched darkness, before it was just silhouettes, but now he saw- and he heard, so vividly, it was as if these memories were his own.
Were they his own?
"Grisha," The woman turned to him, on her knees she sat, with her arms bound behind her. Her blonde hair matted to her face from sweat, and blood. Those savages. And even if she were sobbing, she kept her voice steady, perhaps to show him that she was not afraid of death, and neither should he be. "It's okay, It doesn't matter what monster they turn me into,"
A man held a needle above her neck, the needle punctured her nape. His pulse raced. The needle. The serum. It's the serum. It's that dreaded serum!
"Because I'll come find you."
His heart plummeted, and so did the woman. Right down into the Island of the Devils. Where she herself transformed into one.
"Eren?"
He watched, and he screamed for her countless times, he wailed her name. Tearing out his own hair, cursing his own traitorous son. Damning him. Damning them. Then a hand was on his shoulder-
"DINAH!"
"Eren!" He was shoved backward, he felt himself fall, limbs loose, flying, before the back of his head banged against solid wood.
With a pained groan, Eren's eyes slowly opened. HIs sight was met with two women who stood above him, staring down at him, one with worry, one with pity.
The one who pitied him was dressed royally, in white, Her goldspun hair tied into a neat bun, a shining crown sat upon her head, sky blue eyes observed him, seeming apologetic, but for what?
"Historia." he croaked. The Queen. His Queen. "What…?" He blinked, then he turned his gaze to the other one, and was met with coal black eyes, dark hair, and darker clothes against pale skin, a scar on the left side of her cheek, the scar he'd inflicted on her when he had first lost control of his titan. He remembered.
"Mikasa, what's wrong?" Mikasa knelt by his side, helping him to sit up, dusting off the dirt from his arm.
"Eren," Historia came to other side, "You were daydreaming… again."
"Again?" He turned to her, "What do you mean? Did I hurt you?"
She shook her head, solemn as she appeared, "No, Eren, you were hurting yourself…" Historia pointed to his hands, Eren looked down, emerald eyes widened a fraction as he took in the bits of familiar brown hair that stuck out in his fists, his chewed up bloody nails… his bruised knuckles.
He... did this? What the hell was wrong with him. What was going on in his own head?
With one hand, Eren clutched his right wrist, trembling as he brought it up to his face.
"This is my hand." He meant to only think those words, but both The Queen and his childhood friend had heard him. Mikasa squeezed his shoulder, brushing away some tendrils of long hair that fell over his eyes. He'd hardly bothered to keep trimming anymore, he looked so much like a person who lost his all in the war. Mind, and body.
"This is my hand." He said again, more firmly. He needed to believe he was himself, with no anchor to hold him down, he felt his sanity drifting away into dark waters, the deepest parts of his mind.
"Yes, it is." Mikasa enveloped him in an embrace, yet even that felt pitiful. "It is."
Commander Zoe Hange, 14th Commander of the Survey Corp, sat behind her desk, hands folded in front of her. She took in the sight of her young shifter- the dark purplish rings around his eyes, his unkempt hair, fatigue in his mannerism and his fidgeting from her scrutiny.
Was this the very same boy that she had come to respect and rely on four years ago? He seemed like a completely different person from the boy he'd been. Well… she supposed change did come with growth, and maturity. She recognized that familiar heavy weight of guilt that sat upon her own soldier's shoulders, she too must go through the same thing, time and time again. It is just the protocol for war. Death begets death begets death, and so on and so forth. It was crucial to have a mind of fortitude and bear it all.
And Eren, for all purposes, was in fact, bearing it all, and more.
"Eren." He sat up straight in his seat, hearing his own name seemed to pull him back into reality. "I hear you've had… another incident."
He said nothing.
Hange leaned forward. Cutting right to the chase. "I understand you've had a lot to endure in the last couple of years, we all had. But I feel that, you aren't being very vocal about it as the others. All of us here must work as a unit, Eren. That's how things get done. And for you, our biggest asset in this upcoming mission, to suddenly be having these… episodes of memory loss-"
"It's not."
"Pardon me?"
Eren sighed, his gaze fell to his hands. "It's not memory loss, i-it's," He sighed again. "They're not even my own memories, but I keep remembering them like they were, all of them, not just my father's."
Hange sat back, perturbed, but she listened intently.
"I feel like I'm trapped," Eren swallowed, "I feel like… my freedom has been taken from me, my will, like I'm losing my identity, like I'm slowly forgetting what parts of me are actually me."
Hange closed her only eye for a moment, when she opened it again, the exhaust etched into every crevice of Eren's face was so apparent, that even she recoiled. It truly was like he was a different person. Sapped of life, of his youthful energy.
"The mission-" She spoke, but held her tongue. Their final mission was of utmost importance, but how could she bring that to attention when Eren was not even in the right state of mind. They needed him. But they needed him sane, too. "My apologies, Eren, I still don't grasp how a shifter's access to their previous holder's memory works, but I'm trying to understand. It it like a relapse? Do you go into a trance like state?"
"I don't know. I don't know what I do, or what things I say, all I know is that whenever it happens, I don't just relive the memory, I feel their emotions too, everything they've ever felt in that moment," Eren pressed his fist to his heart, "I feel it too, and it's like I'm there, like I am them, and they are me."
He was losing it. Hange thought as she took in his words. Eren was losing sight of himself, of his touch with those around him. He had called Historia 'Dinah', he had once referred to Mikasa as 'Kiyomi'. Despite Hange's curiosity of these people, and knowing they'd probably be crucial information tidbits to their mission, she refused to bring them up in this meeting, or Eren's vicinity in general. If he heard those names, he would relapse again, she foresaw it. Her soldier's sanity was more important to her than anything.
"Eren, I want you to be ready for when we cross that sea, I need for you to be able to suppress those memories that overtake you, bury them, forget them, otherwise, they'll ruin you, they'll wring you out until there is nothing left of Eren Jaeger. Do you understand?"
Eren huffed. "I wish I could, but they come to me even when I don't want them too, no matter how hard I try to resist." He sounded broken, "I can't be helped, I'm sorry for becoming such a liability, Commander."
Hange rubbed her temple, leaning into her seat as Eren wallowed in being a burden to his peers. There must be some way. She tried to think of anything that could reel Eren back into their world when he became lost. If it was not Mikasa, if was not Armin, nor Historia for all her resemblance to the Fritz line. Then who?
An alarming idea purged its way into her thoughts. She pushed back, but that only made it stronger than the rest.
Maybe it was not that he needed a loved to bring him back. Maybe…
Hange eyed him. Eren sat stiffly. If the one's he saw in those memories that weren't his, are loved ones of the past shifters, then the only other way must be through… an enemy. Someone he could never love. Someone he remembered through pure trauma.
"Commander?" Eren's voice snapped Hange from her reverie. Immediately she stood from her chair, "Eren, come with me for a moment." She paced to her office door, unlocking it to step outside. Eren followed obediently.
"Where are we going, Commander?"
"The dungeon cells."
He blinked. "For what?"
Hange smiled thinly, "To pay an old friend a visit."
Drip drip drip
Water that leaked from the cracks of the stone walls.
Rustle rustle rustle
A rat scurrying off into it's hiding hole with yesterday's rations.
Clack clack clack
The sound of the night guard's boots pacing outside of her cell.
Clack Clack Clack- Kreeen
She sat up, what was that? The sound of another door opening? Was supper already being served?
Clack Clack Clack - Clack Clack CLACK
More booted footsteps abruptly stopping right outside, more than one. Two. There were two people, and then-
"Ah! Commander, I didn't expect to see you down here, is there an emergency? Why is Jaeger here?"
Red-rimmed sapphire eyes widened. Jae-ger?
"I asked for him to accompany me, how has she been holding up?"
"Quiet. As usual. Won't eat much, and her chamber pot is nothin' but piss. Not that I'm complainin', probably the worst is her stench though, girl could use a bath, Commander, not that I feel sorry for her, but I'd rather not take care of a prisoner that smells like rotted ass."
"I'll see to it."
There was some shifting, another step, quick. Anxious.
"Are you okay, Eren?"
"I just-"
His voice. She closed eyes. She remembered that voice…
"I don't think I can, she's- it's been so long."
Why did he sound so pained?
"Three years may be a long time, Eren. But not once have you ever gone down here, you never even went to her trial. I realized that this girl may be one of your biggest obstacles yet, perhaps, if you spoke with her, face your demons, you might feel more at ease."
Inner demons? She laughed mentally. What was this lunatic woman speaking of? She heard a soft sigh, then a, "Yes, Commander."
"But… what if she doesn't to face me?"
"She has no choice in the matter."
There was a jingling of the night guard's skeleton keys as he approached the large plated cell door. Through the metal bars of the small window, she saw his beady black eyes glare down at her form. "Wakey, wakey, Princess."
The heavy door unlatched, and slowly creaked open, the firelamps of the halls bathed them in an orange glow. Her two visitors. The Commander confidently strode in while her underling lingered behind every two steps.
"Hello, Annie."
The door slammed shut behind them. A gust of wind followed, threatening to blow out the firelamps her visitor's had brought with them.
"It's been a while." Commander Hange was cold, and course as Annie remembered her being, with that hint of insatiableness in that one amber eye of hers. What did this crazy woman want this time?
"You must be wondering why we're here. There's no real reason as to why I'm here. I'm only here to escort Eren."
"Commander, you won't be leaving will you?" Came his anxious voice.
From behind the Commander stepped forward a tall lean man. He was broad shouldered, he had a tapered waist, long legs and long hair tied into a low ponytail. While his eyes shone bright emerald from the flames, there was little life in them. Who was this man? Annie scrutinized him. This couldn't be Eren, could it?
"No. But I will be observing this conversation, should anything get out of hand."
A nod, and then he finally turned to her. "Annie… you remember me, don't you?" Eren placed down the firelamp by her bedside, he dragged the chair the nightgaurd often used to sleep outside on to the front of her bed. He sat down, wringing his hands together as he drank in the sight of her disheveled state. She did the same with him. Those once vibrant eyes of his looked so drained…
"I haven't seen you in years, your hair is so long… don't you put it up anymore?" He asked. Such a stupid question, too. Her hair fell at her waist now because she could not use scissors. She was not allowed sharp or pointed items within her cell- she ate food either with a spoon, or her hands, and wrote with a piece of lead. They kept her alive, maybe, partially groomed, and she also hadn't bathed in a week, she wondered if Eren picked up on the smell- she felt the slightest bit self-conscious of it.
"I probably look different to you too, huh?" Eren attempted to smile, but it was fruitless. Something was bothering him.
"Like a wreck." Annie tried to go for light tone, but her voice was dry, and rough from misuse.
"Yeah," Eren shrugged, "I haven't been in my prime for a while now."
She could see that so clearly from his appearance to his body language.
"It… It looks different outside too. We regained Wall Maria, rebuild many of the stuff we'd lost."
She knew that, too. Commander Hange was quick to inform her after they had cracked opened her crystal like an egg.
"Even our customs are changed," He cleared his throat, "We gained insight on many technologies, they're inventors and engineers in the walls now. More than there ever was. New recipes are being made every day, the wall's have really been flourishing in these past years."
Annie wished she could feel something as he spoke about his home to her. But all she felt was dread. An ache in her heart. Father. Then of course, there was recalling the gruesome details about the death of one warrior. It made her shoulders slump, and her head hang low, to even think about it. Eren stopped talking of the walls as he picked up on her mourning.
"Is Reiner…" She looked to Eren, "Is Reiner still alive?"
Eren chewed on his bottom lip, he turned his attention to his Commander who'd been silently watching the exchange from a corner in the cell. "I believe I told you this before," Hange folded her arms, "But no matter. Reiner had escaped four years ago, along with your War Chief. It was Bertolt who was sacrificed to save Armin. It was… Our previous Commander's choice."
Annie was quiet for a moment. "... I see." It hurt. Whether Bertolt was an acquaintance, or an ally… or maybe even a friend. It still stung. All of them dying. Being plucked from there roots, and thrown onto the ground. Soon Reiner will also pass on, and then the Chief, such was the way of their life, of a warrior. Of a damned titan shifter. She hated who she was more than she hated these people who chained her to these cell walls.
Eren watched her. "I never wanted to kill him, Annie." He spoke steadily, like he was refraining from an outburst. Was there still a bit of the Eren she once knew in this empty shell of person sitting before her?
"But he gave me no choice."
"No- I just forgot who had died is all," Annie sniffed, she could feel her eyes sting- no matter how much she's cried, she would never run out of tears, "I don't want to talk about this. If we're going to discuss something, let it be about your world, or your people, or any other thing I don't give a shit about."
Eren leaned back into his seat, wearied. The Eren she once knew would have jumped from his chair, and tear her apart with either his words, or his hands.
"This is war, Annie. I know you lost people, but I've lost more." He leaned forward, forcing her to look into his eyes, the firelamp casted eeries shadows on one side of his face, and he looked like a completely different person. His voice trembled. "I've lost so much more than just the lives-"
"So this is a contest now?" Annie seethed. How dare he?! "Who's suffered more? Who's lost more?! Have you gotten a good look at me Eren? I don't know if you knew this, but I will expiring soon, sooner than you think-" She threw a nasty look to the Commander- "My body will rot away, my bones will turn to dust on this shitty bed. But maybe before all of that, you'll eat me, or feed to Armin. I'm sure he'd be so thrilled."
Eren screwed his eyes shut. He stood from the chair, turning his back to her.
That angered her even more so.
"What's the matter? It's the truth. It's what will happen. And you know if you steal my shifter power, I will haunt you. Even in death, I will find you, Eren, and I hopethat then, maybe, you'll understand what real suffering is."
He stayed silent. Back turned. There were was a single tear rolling down Annie's cheek, she scrubbed away at her face until her cheeks burned bright red.
"Look at me, Eren."
He didn't.
Annie growled. "Look at me!"
"NO! DINAH!" Eren swung around.
Just as soon as that name left his mouth, he recoiled. Blinking rapidly as if he were being blinded, Eren clutched at his head. "You see?" He exhaled, "I'm already losing my mind. I can see it too," Eren gave a breathy humorless laugh, "You lost yours as well."
Annie could not understand what was going on with him. Or what he was talking about. Who the hell was Dinah?
"No you innate bastard," she spat, "You still just don't know how to talk to girls."
Eren snapped his attention to her, he looked alarmed rather than hysterical this time. Green, green eyes narrowed at her, as if picking apart her words. "What?"
Then he clutched at his head once more. "... Commander?"
Immediately Hange was by his side, lightly touching his arm. "Eren, are you okay? How're you feeling?"
There was a long pause, because Eren was too busy regarding Annie in a way as if he were seeing her for the first time. As if they were on the training grounds of the 104th camp, all those years ago.
"I- shit. My head, it kind of hurts."
Annie was intrigued, the anger she felt seconds prior turned to ash. Was this… a test?
"Come on than, Eren, I think we're done here for the night." Hange shared that same intrigued look with Annie. It was. Eren was quick to leave the cell just as soon as the nightgaurd unlatched the door.
If that one amber eye spoke volumes to Annie, it was that the Commander was definitely up to something, as she always was.
Before the Commander could step out of the cell, she turned to Annie. "We will continue this tomorrow, early morning. Be awake then." Then she was gone, and Annie was left in the shadows once more.
Her back hit the hard cot bed, she threw her arms over eyes.
Eren, what happened to you?
