Chapter 29 – One step closer*
I caught myself pacing in his apartment, waiting for him to come back. Knowing Bens I was a bit scared of how she'd explain all the weird thoughts that had passed through my mind to him.
He didn't take long – he stepped in the living room only about half an hour later. He looked a bit dazed.
"What? What did she tell you?", I blurted out nervously.
He lifted his head slowly, still looking dizzy. "That… you'd have given us a chance if I hadn't…", he gulped and looked back down. "I'd have had a chance…", he said again, sounding lost.
"What else?", I muttered.
"That… if we'd been… together… you'd have forgiven me. Because… you would have known… that I love you…"
"… but I know it now. I… realized it, just back there. That's why she let me go before you."
He gulped again and asked, very quietly, with a very controlled voice "Does knowing it… help you… forgive me?"
"… I… Maybe. Yes. Yes, I think it does."
He looked up, with hope so wild and so shockingly, breathtakingly there in his eyes, that my heart skipped a beat. But then he quickly looked down again as he continued recollecting what Bens had told him.
"She also said you should…", he cleared his throat, "since we've come to terms with our feelings… you should try sleeping in my bed."
I stepped back. He looked up, shaking his head, obviously panicked.
"N-not like that! She said you needed to overcome your fear of that place and w-what happened there. That if we were to ever be together again, we both needed to get over this and make… make… new memories there. Better ones. It doesn't mean we have to have sex! Kotetsu, please! … She… she just said we should try sleeping together in that same bed till the fear and nightmares that include it are gone."
"You're missing something. You said we've come to terms with our feelings. Sure, I realized you loved me. But I haven't said I loved you back."
And I wanted to kick myself the moment I said that. I saw him crumble, seconds away from collapsing – emotionally, if not physically. He avoided my eyes again.
"Oh. I … Of course. I'm …", I heard him muttering about idiots, as he clenched his fists. "Well then I… excuse me…", he turned to leave (hide) in his bedroom.
"I think I do. Really… lo-… like ..you."
He froze. He didn't turn back, but his rigid form said he was listening.
"Not being able to hate you doesn't automatically mean that I love you, I know. But... messed up as it is I… have never had those feelings for anyone else. Being ready to try and forgive you, for all the pain and humiliation you've caused me… I think that counts for love. Don't you?"
His body was shaking by now. Not really knowing what I was doing I walked closer to him and embraced him from behind, arms going around his shoulders to meet on his chest. His hands covered mine. His knees gave way and we fell, kneeling, hugging, there, on the floor.
He finally broke down and cried, clutching my arms.
That first night, together, in that bed… was a little nightmare in itself.
For a second before we'd laid down we'd both stared at the bed as if it were an animal, that could bite us. We made an absurd picture – two grown up men, standing in a bedroom, both only wearing pajama bottoms, staring at a bed.
Izumo rubbed his upper arm with his other hand, looking quite like a nervous school girl. "I guess I'll… yeah."
He tentatively removed the blanket and laid down, covering himself up again and laying like a dead man. I followed him, on the other side of the bed, leaving considerable space between us, laying just as stiffly. We looked ridiculous – like teenage boys, who'd just had their first time having sex… or about to do it - we were that nervous and awkward.
"I, eer… well… goodnight then", he said.
"Yeah… 'night…", I muttered.
I woke up, tucked in the blanket. I turned to see him – he'd taken another blanket for himself and was curled in it in the very corner of the bed, like a small wounded animal…
Since I'd woken up earlier I made breakfast this morning. He dragged himself to the kitchen a few minutes later – he still wore the pajama bottoms, but also socks and a thick pullover.
"Good morning", he rasped.
"'Mornin'. … Are you ok?"
"Huh?"
"Are you cold or something?"
He snorted. "I'm always cold."
"Didn't seem like that when you were walking around mostly, and then stark naked."
He blushed heavily, bowing his head. Again I felt bad for making him feel uneasy.
"Were you cold last night?"
"Mm?"
"Were you cold? I saw you'd picked up another blanket and were clutching pretty tightly to it."
"I… yeah, yeah… was cold and… stuff."
He was a terrible liar. But I decided I'd let it slip this time, since I'd already made him feel uncomfortable and since he looked so small in that baggy pullover. I pushed the plate towards him.
"Here, eat."
He muttered his thanks and dug in – no refuses, no comments, no looks.
There'd been a strange expression on his face when we'd walked out (together this time) and I'd jumped on my bike, while he stepped into the car. I swear I saw it all in his eyes – pain, bad memories… worry. Fear. For me.
He'd said a quick goodbye and hurried into his car.
My day at work passed off quickly – Kurenai was rounded and irate, Anko and Gai had obviously passed stage 3 and were all lovey-dovey, Kakashi read his porn as nonchalantly as ever (obviously having a serious relationship didn't change that habit), Tsume was almost constantly on the phone, consulting with the vet about some new puppies. Ha! Puppies! My "puppy" was the size of a pony by now!
Talking about said "puppy" there was a real endearing sight, waiting for me when I got back from work – Jash was curled in a half moon pose, front paws majestically stretched on the floor, making him look kinda like the Sphinx; curled like a puppy to their parent's body was Izumo – on his back, head resting on Jash's side, mouth slightly open and snoring. The whole apartment smelled delicious – as barely as he ate Izumo cooked really well; I think he learnt from his mother.
I knelt down, a small smile on my lips, and gently moved back a lock of dark honey-colored hair. He fidgeted and opened his eyes. I smiled wider.
"Hey."
"Damn… I cooked… wanted to wait for you…"
"Let's try again. Hey."
He smiled a bit. "Hey. Welcome home."
"Mmm. Better. Shall we eat?"
"Yeah… yeah, let's."
"Smells good. What is it?"
"Lasagna. And honey cakes."
"…Is it my birthday?"
He chuckled nervously, then looked away. "No, I just… you know… apologize. For… the recent scenes… and all."
"Don't. You don't need to apologize."
He looked back. He looked right into my eyes. I held the gaze. Then I smiled.
"But I will eat that lasagna and a dozen honey cakes though."
He laughed again.
I laid in the bed, wide awake; and waited.
It was around midnight when he got up, crept slowly to the drawer and opened it.
"Izumo."
He jumped, hit his hand, cursed and finally looked back.
"Hey. Didn't mean to wake you, go back to sleep…"
"Come back here."
"It's ok, I'm just getting myself another blan-…"
"Get the fuck under the blanket, Izumo."
He hung his head dejectedly; but he did come back. I held the blanket up and he crawled under it… and right next to me. Even like that, he tried to lay stiffly. I sighed and pulled him closer. He gave a choked gasp.
"Don't…"
"I said it's ok. As long as we just sleep, it's ok."
"… I snuggle", he murmured; I was sure he was blushing madly.
"Sure you do", I grinned.
"I'm terrible, I'm telling you. I'll end up laying onto you, seeking more warmth…."
"Shut up and sleep already!"
"But…"
"Quiet down, Kamizuki!"
He finally did; after some time his breath evened. Ironically, no matter what he said, it was me, who fell asleep, lulled by his warmth.
I woke up in the morning with extra weight on my body – just as he had predicted he was laying on me, head on my chest, drooling a bit, arms clinging onto me… his morning erection pressed snuggly next to mine.
I laid mortified. If I moved, even to dislodge him, it'd create friction. The idea of that sent mixed signals all over my body. My panicked mind screamed at me to stop with the stupid ideas and run. My body on the other hand purred "Friction? As in, coming, along with someone else? Why not? In fact… please do that."
He fidgeted, moaning quietly. I bit my bottom lip as his prick grinded on mine – Kami sama, yeeaaaah!
He suddenly froze. He laid just as stiffly as me. That's when I realized he'd just fully woken up and realized the situation. He shuddered. That didn't help with our "problem".
"Um… I… oh, Kami… S-sorry…", he mumbled, beet red and trying to move away as quickly and… less friction-creatingly as he could.
I grabbed his arm, stopping him. He turned his head, gasping a bit, looking at me. Again, I held that gaze, confused and shocked as I was. Not saying a word, I moved my hips.
He bit his bottom lip hard, closing his eyes. I thrust upwards again. He shuddered all over.
"Haaah! Oh, don't, don't…!"
His trembling, glossy lips… his face, contorted with pleasure, helplessness and guilt… My hands slid down his back and cupped the perfect half-globes of his firm ass. I thrust up again, and again…
"Kotetsu… Kotetsu…", he whispered reverently.
He finally began moving with me. We rutted against each other like teenage boys, moaning, half-consciously encouraging and begging for more. It'd been so long… so long since each of us had felt that indescribable feeling of another warm body moving next to our own… in sync… tensing…hardening even more… close… closer… someone to push you over the edge… and still be there when you fly…
"AaAAAAAh!"
Was it me? Or him…? Both?
He collapsed on top of me. We were panting… sticky… sated.
Sated. Floating…
My eyes shot open. I was hugging my violator. I had just come, and made him come…! Oh, Kami…! How sick was that?
Or… was it?
I needed to see Bens.
"I… shower…", I muttered, untangling myself from him and literally running.
I burst in her office, again, blurting something like "We almost had sex this morning!" Genma glared at me.
"Seriously, Kotetsu?! Can I PLEASE, eventually, have a word with OUR psychiatrist as well, without you rushing in?! Maybe talk about MY partner, ask for advice for MY relationship problems?!"
"I… Gen, I'm really sorry…"
"Never mind…", he grumbled, walking out.
Fuck. I'd need to apologize properly later. But now I had to get that outta my system!
"Bens, I just, I…"
"Sit down and start from the beginning", she said calmly.
I told all about that morning and the night before, that had led to it – us sharing the blanket, him seeking warmth… ending up on top of me… both of us waking up hard…
"And-and then I… I mean it should be a normal reaction – we're both guys, and gays, we have certain needs, a-and he just … was there, flushed face and glossy lips and I… Kami! I'm so disgusting! I'm sick, aren't I? I lust after my violator! I even said I loved him! It's… it's Sweden Syndrome!"
Bens' eyebrow twitched violently. "It's called Stockholm Syndrome and it is not the case at all. Plus, I think we already discussed it and agreed that you do not see Kamizuki Izumo as your violator. Rather, you have accepted him as… another victim. Part of you wants, needs to point the finger, to accuse and say "He did that, he's the bad guy" That part is disgusted with yourself when you feel drawn to Izumo. But the bigger part saw his tears, united with your heart and soul and said "No. He was in just as much pain as you were." That part, again – the bigger part – demands you comfort him…thus comforting both of you."
Suddenly feeling drained, I collapsed on the sofa.
"What do you suggest?"
She gave me a thoughtful look. "I think you'll feel… a bit more… reassured with your feelings… if you test a theory, in better time than early in the morning when you can blame it all on being half asleep."
And again, she had that look that parents give their children when they wait for the kids to understand something by themselves. I knew that I'd hear nothing more from her for now, not until I'd understood her confusing message, so I just stood up, nodded and left for work.
He was at home when I got back.
He didn't even see it coming.
He suddenly found himself pinned to the nearest wall, our groins grinding, my lips merely a few inches from his. He looked up, huge eyes looking for answers, confused…
"K-Kotetsu?"
I silenced him with a kiss. Deep, searching, hungry kiss. He moaned helplessly. It scared me, how much I liked seeing and hearing him so helpless under me. It made the recently found (accepted?) animal in me growl with pleasure.
"W…What are you… doing?", he panted when our lips parted.
"Testing a theory", I growled.
It was daytime. We weren't sleepy, there were no usual morning erections we could blame… Just us. Fully awake, sober and understanding what was going on.
I needed that. I needed to know there were no obstacles between us this time, just us, and if I didn't feel disgusted or terrified now… it was ok. I had finally gotten that. That was what Bens was trying to say…
And… I didn't. I didn't feel disgusted, nor terrified, nor ashamed…
I was horny.
My hand slipped in his unzipped, by me, jeans… in his boxers… He was hard. Already. I had made him hard, horny and wanting… wanting me.
The monster inside me purred.
"Ko-te…tsu…!"
"Shhh…"
"P-please… I can't…"
I pulled down my own boxers and lined up our pricks. Then I started stroking.
Whatever he'd wanted to say was reduced to moans, grunts of pleasure and even small cries. We came just like that, in few seconds, few strokes, against a wall – our bodies had become that needy.
His knees were shaky. He was trembling.
I needed a few seconds to understand that it wasn't only from pleasure in the afterglow.
"Izumo?", I asked, my voice still hoarse.
"If… if you're gonna leave … me … again… go now. Please. Don't … don't embrace me if you're gonna… leave… again…"
Oh, Kami… I'd never thought what it had been like for him that morning, when I literally ran…
"I mean… I know I deserve it… just… can you… do it quickly, leaving… cuz it fucking hurts…"
"I'm sorry, Izumo", I murmured, kissing the top of his head. "I'm sorry. I'm not leaving. See?", I hugged him tighter. We slid to the floor. He clung to me, still shaking, though I heard no sobs. It didn't matter that we were tired, sticky and on the floor… it had been hard, it had been very difficult, but… we were there, together. I thought we'd remain like that for a while…
A.N. The title's idea was to point out that they are close to solving some of their problems and close to a climax – next chapter includes the long awaited smut scene. Also, the title was kind of inspired by Linkin Park's song named like that – it was one of the first of theirs I fell in love with…
