Tim Robbins couldn't have been more surprised when his bedroom door, well really his sister's guest bedroom door, burst open, Arizona storming in with her hand protectively covering her eyes. "Tim? Teddy?"
"Um, she's at work," Tim answered her, confused. "What's wrong?" She dropped her hand and he put his video game to the side as he saw her expression, eyes wild and panicked. "What happened? Is Callie okay?"
"She's perfect," Arizona gasped out, pushing the door closed behind her and starting to pace.
"Then what the hell is wrong with you? You look like someone just slapped you," he said, shifting to sit on the edge of the bed.
"She's perfect," repeated the blonde, only stopping when her brother took her wrist and pulled her to sit beside him.
"Now, I love Callie, but no one is perfect, Arizona. Just breathe and talk to me," he requested patiently. "What is Callie's apparently huge flaw that you just found out about four months into being engaged?"
Arizona closed her eyes and took a deliberate deep breath. It wasn't that Callie had a flaw, they just had different things that they wanted from life. And apparently one of the things Callie wanted was a baby. The problem with that was that Arizona had never wanted one. As a matter of fact, she'd been pretty adamant about never having a baby. But somehow it had never come up before. So Callie's offhand comment about car seats had hit her like a punch to the chest.
"Come on, sis - how bad could it be?"
Bad, her mind filled in the answer. "She wants kids, Tim."
He was very familiar with his sister's determination to never have children, but he (or their mother) had never understood it. "Okay, well, you guys'll have cute kids," he said, knowing that it would get Arizona's eyes opened. And glaring at him.
"Tim! This isn't funny!"
"Arizona, have you even talked to her about this?" She just narrowed her eyes at him further and Tim shook his head. "Maybe you can get her to understand your 'no kids' thing."
Arizona's blue eyes rolled. She knew her family didn't understand her aversion to having kids. "Knock up Teddy and I'll simultaneously kill you and be grateful you got Mom off my back about grandkids," she shot back sharply, her temper already frayed. That particular wheedling had come more and more often from her mother since her parents had met Callie, but she'd dismissed it every time, just like always.
He laughed shortly, watching his sister's expression closely. "I know you don't want kids, but have you even thought about doing it with Callie?" Arizona's lip twitched. "I know you, Arizona. You've never felt for anyone the way you do about her. I mean, you've never wanted to marry anyone either."
She sighed, shoulders slumping. "Tim…"
"If she really wants this, are you willing to lose her over it?"
He cut to the heart of the dilemma with a single question. Was this something she could let go of, or could she let Callie go? The thought was stifling. She could almost feel her heart stop. Life without Callie… it was unthinkable. Oh God. But a baby, a squalling, screaming, smelly little baby, one that could end up in her Peds ward…
"Don't do this to yourself," Tim advised, interrupting her heartrending musings. "Don't do this to Callie either. Talk to her." Arizona swallowed hard, nodding her head as she struggled to control her sudden anxiety. Her feet were unsteady as she stood up. "But, sis," he called her back as she reached for the doorknob, "if you don't even try to find a way through this, if you lose her because you're scared of something that you would absolutely be amazing at, you're going to regret it every day for the rest of your life."
"You think I don't know that?" Arizona asked, looking over her shoulder at him. "Tim, I love her. I love everything about her."
"Then think about this," Tim suggested. "Think about her coming into the Peds floor with a baby - her baby. Dark brown eyes and that black hair, Callie's face and everything. Think about how much that would hurt you." Seeing Callie like that, her child hurt, would destroy her. "But it's not your baby. She's not your wife, maybe you aren't even friends anymore. You're just her baby's doctor." His face was sympathetic but serious. "Can you live with that? Because that's your best case scenario if you let this break you two up."
Arizona sighed, shaking her head. "Tim, don't you think I'd do anything to stay with Callie? I love her! I just don't know - kids isn't something I've ever wanted. You know that."
"Just don't let her get away without fighting for her," advised Tim seriously. "Even if you're fighting yourself, okay?"
She wanted to argue with him, but she knew that he was right. If Callie seriously wanted children, she had a lot of arguing with herself to do. She couldn't be the one who kept Callie from having what she really wanted, but could she really make herself walk away from the love of her life, her future?
Callie was straightening up in the kitchen when Arizona came down the stairs, the brunette crossing her arms over her chest and leaning back against the counter when she turned to face her fiancée. "Are you going to talk to me now?" she asked, simultaneously frustrated and concerned.
Arizona just looked guilty. "You know?"
"I know something's bothering you," Callie said. "You covered pretty well, but you barely said anything after we left that second lot. And we got home and you ran straight upstairs to talk to Tim and Teddy."
"Just Tim. Teddy's at work," Arizona corrected her sheepishly.
Callie asked, "Well, are you going to tell me what's going on?" She sighed. "I mean, I had to have said something, right? What did I say?" Arizona just took a deep breath. "Arizona, please talk to me," she pleaded.
She could feel Callie's eyes on her, the brown gaze that was capable of swallowing her whole. "Calliope…"
"Please don't 'Calliope' me," requested Callie tiredly. "Just talk to me. Tell me what's going on." Still Arizona hesitated. "Are you breaking up with me?"
It broke her heart to even ask the question, but it got Arizona's head up, blue eyes wide. "No!" Taking a breath, she continued, feeling it shred her heart as well, "I don't want to, at least."
Callie closed her eyes, unconsciously unfolding her arms to hold onto the countertop. She couldn't stay standing otherwise. Her life was ending and she didn't even know why.
"I don't want kids, Calliope," Arizona said, voice soft and clearly hesitant. "I never have." Callie didn't look up. "And you said car seats earlier…"
"I do want kids," Callie confirmed in a whisper. "That's what this is about?" She sounded exasperated and Arizona blinked, surprised.
"You don't think that's significant?" the blonde asked, her own frustration with the situation they found themselves in showing in her tone.
Callie's arms were crossed again. "Okay, it's significant, but I'm not losing you over it, Arizona, so we'll work it out!" Despite her comforting, confident sounding words, her voice was short and sharp.
"Work it out?" Arizona demanded, her own volume rising. "How can we possibly work this out?"
"Do you want me to leave? Are we done?" countered Callie, her chest feeling tight. Before Arizona could answer, the pager on the counter behind them went off, buzzing and beeping. Callie retrieved it with a growl of frustration. "It's a 911. I've got to go." Without speaking further, she left the kitchen, Arizona left confused, frustrated, and scared behind her.
Coming home hours later, Callie was braced for a fight, had been preparing herself mentally all afternoon for a knock down, drag out, screaming match. Because she wasn't going to let Arizona walk away from her, from them. And she wanted kids, but the thought of doing it with someone else, raising children, being a family with someone who wasn't Arizona… it made her chest ache.
Nearly midnight, the house was dark, the driveway empty. It hurt to think that Arizona had left instead of staying to talk to her, and she walked up to the door feeling heavy. Opening the door revealed a quiet darkness and she bypassed the living room and kitchen and went straight upstairs, not noticing the lamplight in her own bedroom until she was already there.
Arizona was on her back in the bed and dressed for sleep, her arms crossed over her eyes, but her breathing was steady. Unsure if she was asleep (or if she even wanted to wake her up if she was), Callie dropped her bag silently to the carpet and toed off her shoes just inside the door. Normally she would be the first to put them away, but she left them where they were and moved as quietly as she could around the bed and toward the sanctuary of the bathroom.
Closing the door behind her, Callie let out a deep breath, not sure how she felt about anything anymore. Arizona was still here, hadn't run from her, from their home, from the life they were building together. But now, with this hanging over them, where the hell were they going? What were they moving towards? And how the hell could they seriously consider staying together if it would only lead to a life of resentment and unfulfilled longing?
Because she wanted to have a baby. It had always been something she'd wanted, something she'd planned on. And she desperately wanted Arizona in that plan. She wanted the life she'd been imagining for them long before they'd ever said the word marriage. She wanted forever with Arizona, and she wanted their children. That wasn't wrong. Actually, them together with their children was the most right thing she could imagine.
But Arizona didn't share than vision, apparently. And she didn't know how to fix it, make it okay. Because, unfortunately, neither one of them was wrong. It didn't make sense to her personally, but not wanting children was a perfectly valid decision. And Arizona wasn't some trauma case - she was a rational, responsible, grown woman. And this wouldn't be something she'd just decided arbitrarily.
They just had to figure out how to deal with their mutual desires without it destroying their relationship, which was not an easy thing and seemed likely to be easier said than done.
Flipping on the water in the shower, Callie let it warm up as she slipped out of her clothes, leaving them all where they fell without bothering to toss them into the laundry. The first blast of hot water was refreshing and she bowed her head into it, one hand adjusting the temperature gradually. There was no doubt in her mind that Arizona Robbins would be an amazing mother. And she wanted to see that. But Arizona had to want it too or it was meaningless. She couldn't force her partner to have a baby.
So the question became whether the possibility of never having children was going to lead her to resent Arizona five or ten years down the road, or if she could genuinely give up that dream and have a happy, wonderful, amazing life with the woman she loved.
Further musing was interrupted by the bathroom door opening, Arizona leaving it open behind her as she slipped into the room. She looked dwarfed in oversized (and obviously borrowed from one of the boys) sweats that were practically hanging off of her hips, a sliver of her stomach visible where the pants had dropped. Their eyes met through the water speckled glass of the shower wall but neither spoke for a long moment.
Blue eyes were pained, worried, and scared, and it broke Callie's heart, making her ache to fix it. But she didn't know how. Because she couldn't promise the rest of her life to Arizona if she was only going to resent her for it later. That wasn't fair to either of them. But giving up what she wanted wasn't going to be easy either. Arizona was the love of her life, of that she had no doubt, but nothing about this situation was easy. There was no quick fix, here.
"Arizona…" Callie sighed, the soft sound of her name snapping the other woman into motion. Her top was over her head in a second, the baggy pants discarded at the same time and then she was in Callie's arms, driving her back against the cool tile wall and kissing her before she could say anything more. More words could spell their doom and she wasn't ready for that. She wasn't ever going to be ready for that.
Wet hands in her dry hair made it catch and pull but Arizona didn't let her mouth be dragged away, her own hands sliding across a slick cheek and down a smooth neck. "Don't," she pleaded into a necessary gap for breath, lips closed around Callie's bottom lip before she could speak.
Neither one of them were quite sure what she was pleading for, but Callie wasn't going to stop what was happening to question her. This was not going to be their last time like this. She wouldn't let it. But if Arizona needed something from her right now, she would give it to her absolutely. There was no one else she could imagine a life with, with kids or without, and she didn't even want to try picturing it. Was it better to have kids with someone else, settle for someone she loved less, and spend her life pining for the woman she'd let get away? Or was having a life with Arizona but without children going to be enough?
There wasn't an answer that she could find beyond that she was not going to lose Arizona without a hell of a fight.
Desperate kisses drew her back from her thoughts again, Arizona nipping hard at her lip. It was enough to make her jump, a moan tearing from her chest when a hot, slick tongue soothed the bite. Suddenly a little desperate herself, Callie let her body rock down on the thigh that had squirmed in between her legs. Arizona's hand slid between them before she could do it again, fingers finding their place without faltering, the blonde backing the next thrust with her entire body, free hand bunching black hair tightly.
Tearing her lips away for a needy breath, Callie was left gasping as Arizona drove her up without a pause, the water beating hot and hard against them. Her lover didn't relent, curling her fingers as she pushed in deep. Callie couldn't do more than bury her face in Arizona's shoulder and hang on, both hands gripping her shoulder and her side as she moaned and rode the thrusts the blonde was giving her. Licking the water from her neck, Callie sucked on a mouthful of pale skin, the steady jerking thrusts ensuring that she was going to leave a mark. She couldn't be bothered to stop though. At this moment, marking Arizona was something she wanted.
"Callie, please," Arizona groaned into her ear, voice husky and low.
Lifting her head to see her eyes, Callie felt her peak coming fast and hard. "Arizona…" The gasping moan of her name was all the warning she could muster and Arizona didn't stop anyway, driving her up and over and swallowing her moans and breathless cries in her own mouth.
Callie didn't give herself a moment to come down, spinning them along the wall as soon as Arizona pulled out, her own hands hiking one pale leg around her hip while two fingers of her other hand drove home. Their kiss broke as Arizona's moan tore itself free, her body going tight around her. "Oh, oh fuck," she gasped, eyes squeezed tightly closed. "Callie, please," she pleaded again.
It resulted in Callie freezing, going motionless immediately. Arizona moaned her protest, surprised to feel soft, gentle pecks to her neck, her jaw in the midst of what had been a rather forceful encounter so far. "Open your eyes," Callie requested, her voice hoarse and breathless but soft. "Look at me, Arizona. Let me see you." What she really wanted was for Arizona to see her, see how fully invested she was in this, in them, how completely it would destroy her to lose her.
Blue eyes were dark when they struggled open, eyelids fluttered as Callie started moving again, her body moving into the blonde's and practically lifting her off of her one balancing foot with each push inside her. She wasn't afraid to fall though. Callie wouldn't drop her. She just wished she believed that statement could be applied at this moment to parts of their life that weren't sex. Because she couldn't be the one that kept Callie from having a kid. But she wasn't cut out to be a mother. That had never been a desire she'd had, whatever that said about her.
"Arizona, look at me," Callie repeated when her lover's gaze went hazy, unfocused, and she leaned in to lick the mark she'd left on her neck. It was definitely going to bruise but she couldn't find regret or remorse about that. She wanted her mark on Arizona's skin, as possessive as it sounded in her head. "I love you," she whispered into her flesh, dragging her nose against her neck to suck on her earlobe, breathing hard into her ear. "I love everything about you."
It was the same thing she'd said earlier about Callie to Tim and it was enough to send her over the edge. The blonde head rocked against Callie's own, Arizona crashing headfirst into oblivion, her body spontaneously tightening and relaxing around her in waves. Callie brought her back down gently with soft touches and even softer words, steadying her on her wobbly legs when she finally set her down. They caught their breath together but didn't speak, Arizona looking away only after a long silence, sticking her face in the cooling water and pushing her wet hair back with both hands.
Callie could only watch her leave the shower stall in silence, not sure what that was supposed to mean for them, whether it was a spontaneous round of shower sex, or some attempt to say an impossible goodbye.
She wasn't sure what anything meant anymore.
So, this one went through a lot of changes in editing (and went in a different direction than I was expecting), so if you spot any typos, please let me know!
