Guilt in Life

Chapter Twenty Nine

Caspian and a troop of centaurs and Telmarines rode from the Western Woods handing to the Witch's castle by twilight in the third day of Edmund's arrival. They were expected to return by dawn. Susan was worried, but she had a strong faith on Caspian.

It was a night when many could not sleep. Edmund still saw people, women and children, pacing back and fro in the woods when midnight came. Eventually, Susan urged everyone to get some sleep. Peter was comforting a child whose father was riding with Caspian.

"It's going to be fine," Edmund saw the girl sitting on Peter's lap, Peter was a good brother, always was, "your father will come back."

Edmund sat with Lief, gazing into the woods. Claus went to the castle too, hoping he could help. Leif was still injured, he couldn't move much and he insisted not to waste Lucy's cordial.

"It's really going to happen, isn't it?" Edmund mused.

"What is it?"

"The final battle of the Witch and me," Edmund said, "I've always known I should be the one finish her, but it's hard. I'm all alone on this."

"You're not," Leif said, "everyone here is with you."

"But I'm so weak," Edmund said, "almost useless."

"You are not," Leif said, "You're just not getting over some guilt, and someone."

"I'm over Natasha," Edmund sighed, "really. She's just a friend."

"Then why did you glare at the High King when he held her hand today?" Leif asked knowingly.

"I wasn't glaring at him," Edmund denied, "I was just looking."

"Uncomfortably," Leif added helpfully.

Edmund hated to say that Natasha and Peter grew very close in these few days. They did almost everything together. She was happy, Peter was happy. Beth was happy, and Edmund was supposed to be happy too. His heart sunk when he saw Peter laughed along with Natasha, and the way they talk, the smile they had in their eyes.

"Maybe," Edmund shrugged, "she is just a friend."

"Beth is coming, you should spend some time with her," Leif said, glancing at his back, "just remember that she's innocent in this relationship."

Was Edmund hurting her indirectly? The way he felt about Natasha was nothing like the way he felt about Beth, he tried to remember this.

"Hey," came Beth's voice and she sat down next to him. Her blonde hair was glowing in the dark, "finally urged Lucy to sleep."

"Sorry," Edmund said, putting his arm about her, "my sisters must be giving hard nights."

Beth giggled, "They are lovely. It's wonderful to feel like I have sisters—I'm the only child."

"They like you too," Edmund lay his chin on the top of her hair, "Are you sure you're used to life here? We can go back if you want. The Ancient Shield may need some help."

"I'd like to stay if I can, I love it here," Beth said.

They talked about random things and Edmund knew Beth was helping in the kitchen all day and washed the dishes, she would be a wonderful wife, a great life partner. Yet, Edmund wondered if she was really meant for him.

"I'm so happy for the High King and Natasha, they are so happy together," Beth sighed, grinning.

"Yeah," Edmund said. Soon Beth fell asleep and Edmund carried her to her tent, found Susan was still sitting on her bed, looking worried.

"He'll be fine," Edmund assured her as pulling the blanket on Beth's body.

"I know," Susan whispered, "I'm just worried."

"Where's Peter?" Edmund asked, trying to sound normal.

"He's sitting by the lake with Natasha," Susan replied, "he said she's worried. About her sister I suppose."

"Right."

Edmund swiftly left the tent. He was going back to his tent, but his feet led him to the lake in the centre of the woods. He saw Natasha, sitting against Peter, who had his arm around her. Edmund waited, and sat behind the brushes like before. It had been his habit of stalking Natasha at night. Sometimes she sat alone. Sometimes she was with Peter. Sometimes she slept, but muttering Natalie's name.

"Don't lie to me Natasha," he heard Peter's impatient voice, "You're upset. Tell me what's happened."

"No I'm fine," Natasha's voice was cracking, "I just...You know High King-"

"I've told you more than ten times to call me Peter," Peter urged gently.

"Peter, I'm trained not to cry, not to show emotion to anyone," Natasha's voice was tired, "but when I am with you, I feel like I can really feel something, to..." Edmund knew the word was love, he was glad she didn't say it out loud, or his heart was going to burn.

"It's all right," Peter said, Edmund saw Natasha's head leaning on his shoulder, "You can tell me anything. I don't mind your past."

"I'm..."Natasha broke down completely, her sobbing was heard echoing in the woods, Edmund's breathing was speedy, his hands were clutched to fists. He saw Peter kissed her forehead, held her as she cried. Edmund glared, forgetting the fact that he had no right to intervene anything about Natasha.

"I'm—I'm w-w-worry s-s-sick about-t-t Natalie-ie-ie," Natasha's voice was so loud as though she was sobbing in Edmund's ear, "I'm sc-scared if I will-ll los-se her-er. I'm an or-or-orphan. I've b-been living wi-wi-with her f-f-for my en-entire l-life."

"Shh—," Peter said, "Caspian is going to save her, don't worry."

"I lo-lo-love h-her," Natasha sobbed, Edmund leaned closer to the brushes, shutting his eyes with angst and anger.

Again, all those time during their journey to the Western Woods, she should have told him, she should her let out her feelings, and he should have held her like what Peter was doing now, and she chose not to.

Edmund hated himself for letting this to happen, for him being so idiotically stubborn for not understanding her intimately. The memory of that night when they made their way out of Haza came back to him, about him hurting her. This scattered Edmund's soul.

"It's okay," Peter comforted, stroking her hair, "you can cry."

Natasha cried, in Peter's arms. Peter comforted, Natasha cried, Edmund pained. After what felt like decades, Natasha's sobbing voice was quiet. Edmund shot up from the floor, he couldn't hold back, he strode to Peter, "Peter, I saw something from the edge of the woods, you'd better go and see."

"What's it?" Peter frowned, "Susan told you where I am? Never mind, I'll just go and see. Nat?"

"Just-t-t g-g-go," she whimpered, staring at the lawn so Edmund wouldn't see her face.

"Stay with her," Peter said, trust was gleaming in his eyes, he turned to Natasha, "I'll be back soon."

She just nodded. Peter hopped up from the floor and raced to the woods. The woods was quiet, Natasha stared at her toes, Edmund sat down next to her. He wished he could crush her to his chest, let her eyes rest and let his soul rest.

"Why did you lie to Peter?" Natasha said composedly, it was dark here but Edmund could see her reddened eyes and nose.

Edmund looked at her, awed.

Natasha replied with a smile, "Told you before, I always know when you're lying."

"Don't tell Peter that," Edmund said, eyeing at her, "I just...I don't want you to be with him."

Natasha raised her eyes at him, "you have no right-"

"Don't tell me what right do I have," Edmund's eyes burnt into hers, "I don't want to see you with him. It kills me."

"You're with Beth," Natasha pointed out, "hours ago, Beth was sitting in your laps, you were talking delightedly. Why can't I be with the High King may I ask?"

Edmund grabbed her hand, "you can come to me, like when you cried just now. You should have come to me instead."

"No Edmund," Natasha pulled her hand away, but Edmund didn't let her go, "you belong with Beth, she is the only one who can make you happy. You. Me. All left is hurt and scars from the past."

"Don't be with Peter," Edmund leaned closer, he could see every one of her eyelashes, long and elegant, "I will take down the White Witch, and you don't have to worry a thing ever again."

"What about Beth? And the High King? They are innocent in our relationships."

"So stop dragging Peter into this!" Edmund almost shouted.

"And you don't let Beth go," Natasha said, her eyes were burning into his.

Edmund leaned in, he didn't want to care about a thing but kissing her, feeling her petite body in his arms. But Natasha pulled back, Edmund dropped her hand.

"Don't Ed," she whispered, "don't you dare to think a kiss will solve all the problems. I'm not good enough for you. I'm the main reason of the Witch coming back to life. It's all because of me. Nothing will change that."

"Peter can bear that, and so can I," Edmund promised firmly.

"You'll hurt Beth," she stated.

"I don't care."

"I do," Natasha said, "she is a wonderful person who doesn't deserve any hurt. Don't be selfish, Just King, and I think we should keep a distance between us. For both of our sakes."

Natasha stared at the lake in front of them. It was clear and calm, the exact oppose of what Edmund was raging inside. He was selfish, he was shameless as a king, he was awful as a brother, he was a wreck.

"Ed!" Edmund jumped as hearing Peter's voice, "there isn't anything."

"I was probably too tired," Edmund lied.

"Go and get some sleep," Peter flashed a smile at him, "you're tired after today's sword practice."

Edmund nodded to Peter, and glanced at Natasha before retreating back to behind the brushes.

"Are you feeling better?" He heard Peter's tender voice, he fought the urge to raise a fist at him.

"Way better."

"I've," Peter paused, "always wanted to ask you something."

Edmund knew it was about their past, and their complicated relationship, and he didn't want to hear the answer, but he chose to stay.

"Shoot."

"Can I kiss you?"

Edmund's breath stuck in his throat. Say no Natasha, a voice urging in his brain, just say no, slap him, or walk away. Say no.

Edmund was glad Natasha didn't say anything, he wished the silence would stay.

"I know there was history between you and Ed, and I'm not going to care about that, because everything about you get me hooked. I don't know why, but I just really like you, and Edmund is with Beth now. Happily I shall add. But of course, I understand if you do not wish-"

Edmund thanked the night for being so dark. He saw Natasha leaned in and kissed Peter, Peter's hands were on her waist, while Edmund's were grasping the grass. With, for the first time, hatred towards Peter.

But then, his hands relaxed. He felt hopeless.

"You're right," Natasha pulled back, Peter was grinning like an idiot. Yeah, the name idiot suited Peter, "Edmund is with Beth. I guess I've been trying to tell myself that. Thank you, Peter, for making me strong."

"Anytime."

"Can we stay here tonight?" she asked.

"I've got guard duty two hours later, you go ahead and sleep, I'll carry you to the bed," Peter leaned in and kissed her again. Edmund turned away.

They talked about Natalie, about things Edmund didn't even know, like her favourite food, her favourite place in Narnia. Edmund saw Peter carried Nat back to her tent hours later. Edmund, like before, followed him and sat on Natasha's bed edge when no one was around.

"I wish you know that I love you," he said, and he left.

Yes, he was with Beth, and Nat was with Peter.


Hey guys, my mother tongue is not English, so I seriously need your review on my writing style and language use. Please tell me what you think of the story plot so far. :D