Chapter 29
Dumbledore's progress on Sirius's mind was slow. But he had not expected anything different. It was foolish to think that he could break through nearly twenty years of brainwashing in mere hours, days, or even weeks.
Dumbledore stood over Sirius's bed, his wand held lightly in his hand. Sirius lay still, his eyes closed. Dumbledore was unsure if he was merely asleep or unconscious. The almost daily probes Dumbledore had done on Sirius's mind the first few weeks had quickly exhausted the younger man, even to a physical extent. He remained unconscious longer after each session, and even after awakening he hardly had any energy.
Dumbledore sighed. It was to be another long afternoon. With a flick of his wand, Sirius opened his eyes. The dull grey orbs, that had lost much light in the past few weeks, narrowed at the sight of the aged man. A frown soon followed. "What do you want," Sirius grunted. He held back a cough.
"I think you quite know what we will be doing today, Sirius," Dumbledore said. "But I think we will take a slight change in procedure."
Sirius frowned. Dumbledore turned and picked up something from the table behind him, moving the large bowl to the bedside table. Sirius immediately recognized the large stone bowl as a Pensieve. If he arched his neck, he could see the swirling memories inside. "I trust you know what this is," Dumbledore said. Sirius's expression pointedly portrayed Sirius's general indignation at the stab to his intelligence. "Of course," Dumbledore said. "You refuse to listen to spoken word, but perhaps if we can show you."
Sirius soon found himself in the Great Hall of Hogwarts. The hall was filled with students and faculty and was decorated festively with banners displaying the Hogwarts Seal. Sirius could only assume, what with McGonagall leading up a group of young students to the front of the hall, that it was the Sorting. Sirius attempted to move, but found that he was still magically bound. He could feel Dumbledore standing over his shoulder.
"Do you remember your Sorting," the old man asked. Sirius did not respond. Truthfully, he didn't. He had a few flashes of something, but it didn't matter. He knew he was a Slytherin. "They have told you that you were in Slytherin," he continued. "But watch."
Sirius almost growled at him, but instead kept his grey eyes focused on the singing Hat. The Sorting began immediately after. There were only two names called before Sirius's. He watched as he was called up. It was odd to see one's self, nearly thirty years younger and just a child, walking through the parted crowd of students up to the stool. His younger self held his head high, just as was expected. He sat on the stool as though it was a throne, and the Hat was placed into his head.
The Hall was silent for nearly a minute. Sirius frowned. Not many would notice it, really, probably no one in the hall, excluding Narcissa, seated at the Slytherin table, did notice, but his younger self looked uncomfortable. He was gripping the knees of his pants tightly. Sirius frowned. Why was this taking so long? What was the Hat saying to him?
Suddenly the Hat yelled out for all the Hall to hear, "GRYFFINDOR!" Sirius, both older and younger, lost all color in his face. The eleven year old was frozen to the stool and had to be gently pushed up by McGonagall.
"You were a Gryffindor," a voice over his shoulder said.
"I am a Slytherin," Sirius spat back. "I am and I was."
Dumbledore sighed. "I have other things to show you."
They were suddenly brought to another place. Sirius looked around. It was an office of sorts, filled with numerous items. Had Sirius not been a prisoner of the Order being forced to visit its head's memories and subject to continual brain probings, he might have found many of the possessions interesting. There were portraits of past headmasters of Hogwarts along the walls. Sirius recognized his ancestor among them.
A slightly younger Dumbledore sat behind the large desk, a beautiful phoenix perched on his chair. He was thumbing through a stack of parchment and looked up in amusement when the door flew open. Sirius looked to the side to see two boys, probably around fifteen years old, being pushed inside by a fuming Professor McGonagall. The boys were both dark haired and dressed in Gryffindor robes. One had messy black hair and hazel eyes gleaming behind thin glasses. The other had shining, smooth hair and a perfect aristocratic appearance.
"You can't prove a thing," the fifteen-year-old Sirius Black proclaimed.
"Innocent until proven guilty," James Potter added.
"Black, Potter," McGonagall growled lowly. "Address the headmaster properly."
James walked up to Dumbledore and grasped his hand, shaking it, and greeting him, "Hallo, gov'nor," as Sirius tusked, "Come on now, Professor McG! You can't prove that we've done anything. We've got an alibi. Just asked Peter."
"I hardly trust Mr. Pettigrew more than you, Black," the older woman said. "And I certainly don't doubt that you would have given him a story to repeat back to me. Furthermore, you and Potter are the only students at this school who would ever stoop to such low levels!"
"What have they done now, Minerva," Dumbledore asked.
"The suits of armor are singing love ballads to the girls and challenging the Slytherins to duels of honor," she said exasperatedly. James and Sirius exploded into loud laughter. Dumbledore himself cracked a smile. "It is not funny, boys! This sort of behavior is juvenile and pointless and certainly against the rules."
"For once, I agree with McGonagall," the elder Sirius said. He would have crossed his arms had he been able to move.
Over his shoulder, Dumbledore sighed. "Let us move on," he said.
They were thrown into another memory. It was Harry's birth. James and Sirius cooed at the baby in Lily's arms as their former headmaster congratulated them. "So now you try to sway me by showing me my son," Sirius said to Dumbledore.
As was usual with these excursions, Sirius didn't know how long Dumbledore wasted his time. He was subjected to numerous memories before finally the aged wizard pulled them from the Pensieve. Sirius frowned at Dumbledore. "That was pointless," he said.
"You have now seen what you used to be like," Dumbledore said, "before Voldemort took you and changed you."
"First," Sirius growled, "you will not speak my master's name. Second, anyone with a brain cell can brew up a set of false memories. I would never conduct myself in such a manner as what you showed me. I am a Slytherin. I am a Death Eater. I am a Black."
Dumbledore considered Sirius's words. Yes, it was possible to brew false memories. In fact, he believed that had been something Voldemort would have seen to in his brainwashing of Sirius. But he would not give in. He had promised James, Lily, and himself that he would do everything in his power to resort Sirius to the way he had been all those years ago. Obviously, he would have to continue using both the Pensieve and Legilimency.
It was months into the process. Dumbledore was steadily becoming more forceful yet gentle in his mind probing. Sirius's mind was completely exhausted from his attempts to block Dumbledore's attempts, but Dumbledore knew that his former student's state was ideal for breaking through. But Dumbledore did not want to destroy Sirius's mind, and if he was not extremely careful, that would likely happen.
Dumbledore sighed sadly as he looked down on Sirius. For the past week, Sirius hadn't even had enough energy to frown at the older man. He merely gazed up at him through half lidded eyes, grey orbs completely lifeless. Dumbledore hated having been the once to cause such a thing in a man like Sirius. From the first moment he had seen Sirius, Sirius's eyes had always burned with fierce emotions, loyalty, pride, determination. It felt like a sin to take that away from those eyes.
Even as exhausted as he was, Sirius still attempted to fight back. Due to his weakened state, Dumbledore was easily able to break through and into his former student's mind. He pushed and prodded, attempting to undo the damage the Blacks and Voldemort had done. He treaded carefully. Sirius was unstable.
Dumbledore concentrated. He had come so far, too far to lose the boy—no—the man. Dumbledore still thought of Sirius as the too young boy who had fought face to face against Voldemort, who had overcome his dark family's prejudice and befriended all those he had been taught to hate, and who had proven himself as a hero in more ways than he could even know. Although he had been forced to convince himself that that boy was dead to face against Sirius as Voldemort's General, Dumbledore had never let Sirius's memory die. He could not do that to the boy.
Something was drawing Dumbledore. It was locked deeply in the boy's mind, deeper than Dumbledore had ever ventured before. He pushed his way towards it. It felt right.
Dumbledore pushed hard against the barrier. There was a darkness to it. Dumbledore knew this was what he had been looking for. This barrier, along with Sirius's relentless will, had been what was keeping Sirius on the dark side. Dumbledore had already broken through Sirius's will. He just needed to destroy this barrier. He pushed into Sirius's mind with a newfound determination. His efforts doubled, he could feel physical strain on his own body to break through Voldemort's spell.
He suddenly felt a sensation much akin to glass shattering around him. It was clichéd, perhaps, but accurate. He emerged from Sirius's mind, wary of what had just occurred. Looking down, he saw that Sirius was staring at him through squinted eyes, as though his vision was fuzzy. His expression seemed confused. "P-professor," he asked before his eyes rolled back and he lost consciousness.
Hermione Granger stared over the top of her book in shock. She and her parents gaped at their entry hall. Someone had knocked on the door. Although Sirius Black had been captured by the Order a couple of months previous, Dumbledore had still thought it wise to keep the protection on the Granger house intact. No one should have been able to get to the front door of the house. Warily, Hermione grasped her wand and walked to the front door. "Hermione," her mother hissed.
Hermione shot her mother a look over her shoulder, warning the two Muggles to run if there was any trouble. Hermione wrapped her hand around the doorknob. She took a deep breath and ripped the door open, thrusting her wand forward. "Whoa, whoa," a surprised male voice cried.
Hermione let out a sigh of relief and removed her wand from the tip of James Potter's nose. "James," she breathed, "Lily, you two nearly gave us heart attacks."
Lily smiled. "I'm sorry, Hermione, dear," she apologized. "We weren't anywhere near a fireplace."
Hermione nodded and ushered the senior Order members inside. She tugged at the hem of her stomach exposing t-shirt and adjusted her yoga pants. She greatly looked up to the Potters, both as experts in their fields of knowledge and as heroes of the war. She felt terrible for looking like such a slob in front of them. "Please, make yourselves at home. I'll get some tea." She walked back into the parlor a few minutes later with a tray. The Potters politely took the offered cups as Hermione slipped on a sweatshirt. "So," Hermione asked, "what can I do for you?" She was certain they weren't here on social business and wondered if they would be taking off the wards from the house.
The older couple was immediately serious. Lily glanced at James, as if she was still unsure about something. James, however, had that confident spark that he always seemed to carry. He leaned his forearms against his knees as he regarded the young woman in front of him. "You're a clever girl, Hermione," he began. Hermione blinked, unsure of where he was going. "I'm sure you've questioned, at least to yourself, why after your first battle I wanted you and your parents immediately protected."
Hermione nodded. After the battle when Sirius had found out that there was something going on between his son and she, James hadn't wasted a second getting Hermione to a safer location. She had at first thought that it was just instinct that James had gained after years of fighting the Death Eaters. But once she had had time to think about it, James had seemed to know something. He had been so busy fighting Death Eaters, how could he have had time to pay attention to her during the battle? But she hadn't questioned it. Questions would have led to people wondering why Harry had stopped his father from hurting a Muggle-born witch.
James ran a hand over his beard, as if wondering how to place his words. Bluntly, he asked, "What's your relationship to Sirius's son, Harry?"
Hermione blinked, but immediately answered, "We were both Head Boy and Girl in our last year. Other than that, his group hated mine."
James narrowed his eyes. "Hermione," he said. His tone actually frightened Hermione, but she forced herself to relax. There was no way James could know anything. She and Harry had always been so careful. And James wasn't around either of them on a regular basis. "Hermione, we have Sirius in custody. If you tell me, there's no way he can get to you."
"Hermione," Lily said gently, "if we tell you something about Harry and Sirius, will you tell us what we want to know?"
"I don't know what you want me to tell you," Hermione continued to play innocent.
"We'll try this anyway," James said. "I'm guessing that all you really know about Sirius Black is that he's Voldemort's general and head of his family." Hermione refrained from stating all the traits about Sirius that she knew from Harry. "But Sirius's life for a long time now has been a lie."
Hermione blinked in confusion. "A lie?"
James nodded. "The Black family has always been Slytherin, since the founding of Hogwarts. No one had ever been anything else until Sirius went to Hogwarts. He was a Gryffindor."
At this, Hermione laughed aloud. "Sirius Black, the Sirius Black, a Gryffindor," she asked.
James nodded. "Not that he was pleased with it at first," he continued. "His family never forgave him. I gave him a hard time about it at first. We met on the train ride up and immediately hated each other. It was what our families had always taught us to do." He ran a hand through his hair. Hermione thought he looked remorseful.
"Well, it was close to the end of our first year that something happened. It made Sirius and I gain a respect for each other. And that respect turn into friendship. Since then, he was my best friend, my brother."
Hermione raised a skeptical brow. Sirius Black and James Potter, best friends? It made no sense at all. Sirius was constantly trying to kill James. Hermione was about to protest James's statement when she remembered something Bill had said during that battle in Diagon Alley. He'd told Hermione not to hurt Sirius, and he'd almost said something about James but had cut himself off. Hermione knew that there was no reason for Bill and James to be conspiring to trick her. So why would James be adding Sirius into his Marauder group?
Hermione suddenly gasped. "Padfoot," said, pressing her hands to her face.
James and Lily both blinked in surprise. "What did you say," James asked.
"How do you know that name," Lily asked. "How could you?"
Hermione drew in a deep breath. "You don't speak of Padfoot," she said. "You don't talk about him because of what happened to him, because he's a Death Eater now."
Lily gripped James's hand. "Well," she said slowly, "not quite. I guess we should finish the story." She looked up at James.
"First, how did you know that name," James asked.
"The Map," Hermione said. "Fred and George Weasley gave it to Ron after they graduated. Olivia told us a little bit about it. She's got it now."
James nodded. "She told me that she'd found it," he said. "Continuing, Sirius and I were best friends for years. When he ran away from his family in our sixth year, he stayed with my family. When Lily and I got married, he was the best man. When our son was born, we named him the godfather."
Hermione opened her mouth to ask, but Lily silenced her with a raised hand, as if say later. "Sirius used to be an Auror," she said. "He was one of the best. He was in the Inner Circle of the Order with us. He was probably the most outspoken person I've ever met against the old prejudices. He hated the Dark Arts with everything that he was. But his family and Voldemort wanted him to be on their side. Except for being in the Order, Sirius was the perfect example of everything the Old Families were striving to create. One day, they captured him. He was gone for months. There was no sign of him anywhere. None of our spies had any information. We were beginning to think he was dead."
James frowned. "We didn't," he insisted. "He showed up at a Ministry function dressed as a Death Eater. He killed the minister. We figured it out then. Voldemort had wiped his mind clear and retrained him as a Death Eater."
"They brainwashed him," Hermione asked.
James nodded. "He's been at the top of their ranks ever since," he concluded.
Hermione was in shock. It seemed unbelievable. But what cause would James and Lily have to lie to her about something like this? There was no reason. But then why would they have need to tell Hermione all of this? She wasn't close to the Potters, nor was she high in the ranks of the Order. She asked.
Lily smiled slightly. "Leaving it at that does make it seem strange to tell you," she said. "But there's more to the story." Hermione nodded to show she was listening. "It was many years ago," Lily started, "when you were only about two or three years old. You're the same age as our son, after all." Hermione didn't ask. She had the feeling she was about to be told.
"It was almost two years after Sirius got captured," James said. "Lily and I had taken our son to a nearby park to play. Sirius came and took him. He almost killed him, but then he decided to bring him to Voldemort."
"You see, Voldemort had been after the baby since before he was born," Lily said.
"After a baby," Hermione asked. "What threat could a baby pose to him?"
"A large one," Lily said. "There was a prophecy that stated that the Dark Lord would be defeated by a child whose parents had defied him three times, and only by that child. This child would have powers that the Dark Lord didn't and would use that to defeat him. Neither could live while the other survived. The baby was to be born at the end of July. That left either our son or Neville Longbottom."
"Neville," Hermione cried.
"It's not Neville," Lily said. "Voldemort targeted us. He made our son the one the prophecy spoke of."
"This prophecy was accurate then," Hermione asked.
"Voldemort knew half of it because of a spy," James said, "but Dumbledore heard all of it. The Divination professor made it."
"Trelawney," Hermione cried. "That old bat?"
Lily chuckled. "I see you have the same love for the subject I did," she said. "But the prophecy was legitimate."
Hermione looked crestfallen. "Then he's won," Hermione said. "You-Know-Who's already won, and we're just pushing back the inevitable."
"Not at all," James said firmly.
"But you said Black brought your son to You-Know-Who," Hermione said.
"The Sirius we knew is still inside the General somewhere," James said with such ferocity that it left Hermione with no doubt that he believed this about all else. "Sirius loved his godson more than life itself. He brought him to Voldemort, but he couldn't kill him or let Voldemort do it. Somehow, Sirius was able to convince his master to let him adopt the baby. Voldemort let him do it, under the circumstances that Sirius always keep him loyal and never let him know he was really a Potter."
Hermione's heart began to hammer in her chest so loudly that she was sure they could hear it. What they were saying, there was no way it was true. It couldn't be. "You mean Harry—"
"Biologically, he's our son," Lily said.
Hermione shook her head. "No," she said. "There's no way that's true. Absolutely no way."
"Hermione," Lily said. "Think about Harry. Think about him and look at James." James reached up and removed his glasses. Hermione stared intently at the older man. She imagined him without his beard. She imagined his face with fewer lines. She imagined his eyes were grey. He and Harry were exactly the same. She gasped, her hands flying to her mouth. "You see," Lily said.
It was several minutes before Hermione was able to speak again. "Harry is going to be very angry," she said softly.
"Hermione," Lily asked, "please tell us the truth about you and Harry. He stopped Sirius from killing you. Why?"
"He—we met when we were seven," Hermione spilled. "We've been friends ever since. He'd visit me once a week late at night by flying to my house. At Hogwarts, we found this room to meet in. In sixth year, we—" She stopped short, blushing heavily.
"Secret dating," Lily asked with a smile. Hermione nodded.
James leaned forward and took hold of Hermione's hand. "Hermione, we have Sirius, and Dumbledore is doing everything he can to break Voldemort's hold on him. Now, we need your help getting Harry to the Order."
"I—he'll never come," Hermione said. "He's so angry with the two of you."
Lily blinked her moist eyes. "If you and Sirius talk to him, there's always a chance. You're the two people he cares about the most, right?" Hermione nodded. "As soon as we're sure Sirius is back to his old self, we can at least try to get Harry back."
"Have you had any luck," Hermione asked.
"With Sirius," James asked, leaning back in his seat. "Like you know, we got a hold of him a couple of months ago. Dumbledore's been working almost nonstop to uncover his real memories. We think he made a break through a couple of weeks ago, but Sirius has been unconscious since, so we can't be sure."
"Two weeks is a long time," Hermione said softly. James nodded stiffly. Almost as if on cue, there was an eruption of orange light and a beautiful cry. Hermione screamed in surprise. The Grangers ran into the parlor, expecting to see it alight with flames. Instead, they saw a magnificent phoenix perched on the back of the couch.
"Fawkes," Lily asked. She took the note held in the phoenix's talons. Her brilliant eyes scanned the parchment, widening. "James, Sirius is awake." James didn't waste a second before leaping from his seat and throwing Floo Powder into the fireplace. Lily followed, sparing a second to look over her shoulder at Hermione. "Are you coming?" Surprised, Hermione stood and disappeared after Lily in the bright green flames.
The three Order members were met by Headmaster Dumbledore in his office. The aged wizard considered Hermione for a split second before nodding. James immediately asked, "How long has he been up? Does he remember us now? Is he still in the room? I'm going to go see him."
Dumbledore held up a hand to stop James in his tracks. James regarded him impatiently. "I am not completely sure of what to expect from him, James. He was still extremely groggy. We can't get our hopes too high," he warned.
"Well, let's go find out what's going on," Lily said, she and James walking quickly from the room, Dumbledore following and Hermione bringing up the rear. They entered a hallway that Hermione had been unaware of as a student, but she figured that she was unaware of a good portion of the castle. They entered a room that Hermione was surprised to discover was a sitting room. Actually, she discovered upon further investigation, it was a suite. She hadn't known the castle had had such accommodations, but she decided it made sense for visiting officials and the like. They walked into an adjacent room.
On the bed, positioned comfortably, was Sirius Black. His eyes were closed, and he looked to be sleeping. Madame Pomfrey was watching over him, and at muttered questions from Dumbledore, Sirius opened his eyes. Hermione couldn't pretend to be an expert on Sirius Black, especially considering she had only seen him once, but she was shocked to see how lifeless his eyes were. He looked just a few notches up from dead.
James was the first to approach Sirius. He stepped forward with a mixture of anxiety and excitement. He locked eyes with him, an expression of almost childlike curiosity on his face. Stopping beside Sirius's bed, he asked, "Sirius?"
Sirius looked up at him. He seemed completely exhausted, barely able to shift in the bed. He blinked up at James, his brows furrowing angrily. He glared up at James for several seconds. Just when James was about to step back, Sirius whispered, "J-James?"
James's jaw dropped. "You-you said my name," he gasped. "You remember me?" Sirius arched a brow. "You remember everything?" The tension in the room was thick. The others in the room were hardly breathing. James's heart had stopped. He was frozen. His entire life depended on Sirius's answer. If Sirius was still under Voldemort's spell, his hopes would be dashed, and they would be back to square one. But if he remembered…
Sirius bit his bottom lip and slowly nodded. James's face lit up with more intensity than the sun. He jumped forward and wrapped his arms around Sirius in a fierce hug. Sirius tensed stiffly. He growled, "Get your hands off me, Potter."
James jumped back as though he had been stung. "Sirius," he asked.
Sirius glared back at him, his eyes finally blazing, albeit with anger. Noticing that Lily was about to cry, Hermione grabbed hold of the older woman's hand. She too was shocked. Hadn't Sirius just affirmed that he remembered his previous life?
Sirius shook his head. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. After slowly releasing it, he said, "J-James, I didn't mean..." He trailed off, staring intently at his hands.
"Sirius," James asked as he took a seat next to the bed, "what's going on?"
Sirius watched him with slightly narrowed eyes. "I just don't want you to touch me," he said. He began to squirm a bit, as though he were trying to sit up. Lily moved forward to help him. Sirius immediately sent a nasty glare at her, growling, "I said not to touch me!" Lily immediately backed away. Sirius shook his head with a slight groan. He almost looked apologetic.
"Sirius," James said, "I don't understand. If you remember everything, then what's wrong? Why are you acting like this?"
"I'm not acting like anything," Sirius snapped tiredly. "It's just that, well, I don't know."
James tentatively asked, "But you do remember what Voldemort did to you, right?"
"Don't say the master's name," Sirius growled.
James frowned. He looked back at Dumbledore. "He's not back to normal," he accused. He looked back sadly at Sirius.
Sirius looked confused. "The master," he asked softly, almost to himself. He ran a hand over his tired eyes.
"You're still loyal," James said with a disappointed tone.
Sirius was silent for a few minutes before saying, "I was an Auror." James looked up, hope sparkling in his eyes again. "I hated my family," Sirius continued. Then he frowned. "You were my friend."
James almost moved forward again but was stopped by Sirius's renewed glare. Confused and fed up with it, James asked almost angrily, "What is going on with you, Sirius?"
Sirius held his head in his hands, teeth nearly grinding. "Stop yelling at me," he hissed. "Just get out of here, Potter." James's anger dropped. He attempted to apologize. "Potter—James, just go."
Dumbledore stepped up over James's shoulder. "Sirius, I'd really rather you sit and talk with James," he said.
"Well, I won't do it," Sirius said.
"Then will you speak with myself or Lily," Dumbledore asked.
Sirius laughed. "As if you or the mudblood would be any better," he said with a cackle. Then a few seconds later he turned to Lily with a look of utter horror on his face. Lily, who had become quite used to Sirius referring to her as such in the past twenty years, merely blinked back at him. "Lily," he stuttered, "Lily, I—I didn't mean that. I didn't." He buried his face in his hands.
"Sirius," James said, placing a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder. Sirius tensed again. James drew back his hand.
Sirius lowered his hands, fists clenched in his lap. "It's just that this is confusing, you know. The first ten years of my life, I was raised to hate you. Then for ten years you were my best friends, and for the past twenty years, I've wanted nothing more than to kill you."
"Sirius," Dumbledore said, "we can appreciate how this feels, but it would be best for one of us to talk with you."
Sirius looked up at James and then over a Lily. His eyes narrowed. "I don't want to talk with any of you. It's too confusing. But I'll talk to her," he said pointing at Hermione.
"Hermione," James asked, almost hurt. "Why?"
"Because the rest of you I knew before and after he did this to me," Sirius said. "On one hand, I hate you, but on the other, you were my friends. But her, either way, I hate her."
Petrified, Hermione grabbed hold of Lily's arm. Reassuringly, Lily hugged the younger woman. "Sirius, will you promise to not hurt her," she asked.
Sirius growled, "I can hardly move. How do you propose I harm her?" He shot an unpleasant glance at Dumbledore. "Besides, you have my wand. I can't kill her."
Hermione hardly felt less assured. She looked up at Lily, who was sending her a pleading look. Hermione could only imagine how all this must feel for her and James. Sirius had been their best friend, and he had been captured and corrupted by Voldemort. She would have died if that had happened to any of her friends, although for some reason it was different with Harry. Harry, their son, who Sirius had also taken from them.
Now that the Potters had Sirius back, they wanted their son too. Hermione and Sirius were middle ground to reaching Harry. They had that in common at least. But Hermione really didn't fancy being left alone with a man who wanted nothing more than to kill her.
"Okay," Hermione said softly. "I'll stay." Hermione took the seat next to Sirius's bed and the older three Order members shuffled out of the room. James hesitated in the doorway for a couple of seconds before closing the door behind him with a soft click. And Hermione was all alone.
The tension in the room was thick. Hermione was sure it was physically trying to suffocate her. She drew back her shoulders, sat up straight, and focused all her energy on being calm and meeting his eyes. For his part, although he appeared endlessly tired, Sirius sat in bed watching her like a hawk. His gaze was intimidating, but Hermione fought the urge to look away. He seemed like the kind of man who might respect that. Sirius might have been uncomfortable, but he wasn't showing a bit of it.
With a frown, Sirius asked, "Are you frightened of me?" Hermione knew he could read her like a book. It would do no good to lie to him. She nodded. "Because I wish to kill you?" She nodded again. He smirked. "I am guessing that they told you what happened," he assumed.
"About how You-Know-Who took you," Hermione clarified. "Yes."
"So why did they drag you into this," he asked.
Hermione bit her bottom lip. She didn't think it was wise to bring up the very reason Sirius was out to kill her, but she had made an unspoken promise to Lily and James. "Because of Harry," she said.
Sirius's face immediately darkened. "My son," he growled, "what did you do to him, you filthy creature?" He didn't look at all apologetic as he had with Lily. Hermione knew that he wouldn't.
"I didn't do anything," Hermione said. "He's always been the one to come to me."
"I don't believe that," Sirius said. "I taught him better." He shook his head. "Not better," he reprimanded himself, "but that's not how I raised him."
"What do you know about it," Hermione asked.
"I had Draco drag the truth from him," Sirius said. "Something about him running off from his nanny and meeting you in a Muggle park. And he continued to see you. Then you," he trailed off for a moment.
"And that's simply what happened," Hermione said. "He's always come to see me, before and after I found out that I was a witch. He's always been the one to make the first step." The two were silent for several minutes. Hermione chuckled. "I can't believe I never noticed how much he looks like James."
For a second, Sirius's eyes lit up with the fiercest fire Hermione had ever seen. He growled low in his throat, and Hermione was sure that if he'd had the strength to move, he would have choked her with his bare hands. Then, just as suddenly, the fire disappeared, and his eyes were dead again. He looked so completely defeated that it nearly broke Hermione's heart. "He does look just like him, doesn't he," Sirius whispered. Hermione pursed her lips, unsure of what she could possibly say. "You know," Sirius continued, "his eyes aren't really grey. It's a spell."
"A spell," Hermione asked.
Sirius nodded vaguely. "He has Lily's eyes, that beautiful green. He should have glasses too. But I corrected his vision. Glasses would have made him look even more like Potter." Sirius clenched his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. "God, I took Harry from them," he muttered. "I took him and turned him into a Death Eater."
"You kept him alive," Hermione said. Sirius looked up at her, surprised, as though he'd forgotten she was in the room. "You kept him alive," she repeated. "If anyone else had taken him to You-Know-Who, he would have killed him. You-Know-Who was never able to completely erase your old self. You were still in there, deep down. And you saved Harry."
Sirius bit his bottom lip. "I considered it, for a few seconds. I was so close to killing him. He was just a baby, but I still almost did it."
"But you didn't," Hermione said, "and that's what matters. Even though you took him from his parents, can you see how your reluctance to kill him and desire to raise him is proof that You-Know-Who never had complete control over you?"
"Are you some sort of shrink or something," Sirius asked sarcastically, as though he'd finally remembered to whom he was speaking.
Hermione shrugged. They lapsed into silence again. It was completely awkward. Hermione supposed Lily and James would want her to try and help Sirius through his confusion. "Er—Mr. Black," she asked.
"Sirius," he said immediately. Hermione blinked. "Sirius," he repeated.
"Sirius," Hermione said, "I know that I'm not your number one pick of someone to open up to." He let out a single bark of laughter. "Understatement of the year, I know. And I'm nervous just being in the same castle as you, and you don't even have your wand. But listening to Lily and James tell me about you and seeing their faces a few minutes ago, I can't help but want to make everything right. I can't imagine how I'd feel if something like this happened to one of my friends."
"Every time I saw them, in every battle, even as I was throwing the Killing Curse at them, they always tried to remind me," Sirius said. "I've been trying to kill them for almost twenty years, and they've never thrown so much as a Jelly-Legs jinx at me."
"They're your friends," Hermione said. "They didn't want to hurt you."
"But I've been trying to kill them," Sirius insisted.
"You weren't yourself," Hermione said.
"Does that make it right," he asked. "So I didn't have my true memories. I wasn't under the Imperius Curse. Everything I did, I did of my own free will."
Hermione considered this. He hadn't been forced, but he had been tricked. He had been led to believe that what he was doing was the right thing, that it was what he had been doing all his life.
"It isn't right," Hermione said slowly. "But do you regret it?"
Sirius was slow to answer. "Only half of me does," he finally said. "Only the half of me that feels groggy, like just waking up after a long sleep." He growled. "This is endlessly confusing."
"Just a bit," Hermione said.
Sirius glared at her. "Do I look like I'm in the mood for jokes or sarcasm," he asked nastily. "You have no idea what it's like to look at someone and simultaneously hate him and love him, to want to cut his throat and block the knife from reaching him."
"James," Hermione asked softly.
Sirius buried his face in his hands. "My best friend, brother, and person I hate most in the world," he muttered brokenly.
"I can't say that I understand what you're feeling, Sirius," Hermione said. "There's probably no one who completely understands. All I can say is that I hope time helps. I hope that the more you're around James and Lily, the more you'll see them as you used to, without You-Know-Who's influence clouding your mind. They really seem to have missed you."
Sirius frowned, but he seemed more thoughtful than angry. "It's odd that I've spoken so openly to you about this," he finally said a few minutes later.
"It's like you said, I'm the only one around who isn't confusing you," Hermione said wisely. "And sometimes we have to lean on those we don't necessarily like to get by."
Sirius regarded her thoughtfully for a moment. Then, he surprised Hermione by offering her the smallest ghost of a smile. "Harry would like you," he said. "You're like his mother."
Hermione's nose scrunched and her lip curled in disgust. Crossing her arms indignantly, she retorted, "Forgive me if I take that as an insult."
Sirius blinked in mild confusion. "No, not my wife," he clarified. "I meant the one eavesdropping on the other side of the door."
Hermione jumped in her seat when she heard a scream of surprise from the hallway. "James," Lily's muffled voice scolded, "You said he wouldn't notice!"
Sirius chuckled as James responded, "I figured the Marauder instincts were dull." Hermione then saw a flesh toned string poking out from under the door. She immediately recognized it as one of the Weasley twins' Extendable Ears.
"That's all the world needs," she muttered to herself, "the Marauders and Weasleys joining forces."
