Disclaimer: We do not claim ownership for Twilight or any of its characters. Stephenie Meyer gets that privilege. However, we do have to take responsibility for the creation of the diva's personality. All bail money we'll need for his crazy self can be sent to us directly.

A/N: Raise your hands. Who had expected a second chapter today? Yeah, thought so. LOL Thanks to Sherry for her pre-reading services. You are the best, honey!


Chapter 29

Cold Shower

"You either attend the baby shower or I attend your next shower. Your choice."

I'd been awake no more than five minutes that morning before James had launched himself on me before I'd even gotten out of bed. Apparently, he'd lured Bella into opening the front door with the promise of some still warm apple danish. I'd gotten no pastries. Instead, I'd received an elbow in the gut before I'd managed to push him out of the bed and been threatened to go to the baby shower he was organizing.

I didn't even know what a baby shower was. Since BC hadn't arrived yet, I could rule out an actual shower of a baby.

"No way you're getting in the shower with me," I grumbled and sat up, careful to keep everything that needed to be covered under the sheet. I didn't need anymore photographs of myself half-naked hanging on James's walls. He still had the one from last time, and, of course, Alec just thought it was hilarious. Dumbass.

"What's a baby shower exactly?" I asked.

His eyes widened comically. "Oh, poor BC. Her daddy is so ignorant of all the important things in life."

I rolled my eyes.

"A baby shower is a celebration of the pending birth of Auntie James' little princess. There'll be gifts, cake, games, balloons, streamers, glitter, maybe strippers, some colorfu-"

"What? Strippers at a baby celebration? Are you insane? And BC's not a fucking girl!"

He stomped his foot. "She is too! Until yummy Dr. House has given a second opinion, I'm not believing your little amateur doctor, who obviously doesn't know a penis from a vagina."

"Who the hell is Dr. House?"

"Like I said…poor BC for having a daddy who knows absolutely nothing. Now excuse me. I'll go talk to your wife since I'm just wasting my time with you." Shaking his head, he marched out of the bedroom, allowing me to take a relieved breath.

When my knee finally decided to cooperate, I went to shower – though, only after double checking that I'd locked the bathroom door. When I emerged, I heard Bella yelling in the kitchen. Apparently someone hadn't learned not to mess with the pregnant lady.

"Get out!" she yelled.

"But I didn't mean it!"

"Didn't mean what?" I asked from the doorway, trying not to laugh – or cheer – when I saw that Bella was threatening James with a potato peeler.

Her eyes were watering when she looked at me, and her bottom lip quivered. "He said my ass is fat!"

"Lies! I said it was huge!" James objected. "I mean…no, I didn't say that!"

The potato peeler hit the wall just inches from his face, and he gasped. "Murderer!"

"Get the fuck out of my kitchen!" Bella yelled again. "You're a horrible, mean, little man!"

"I am not! I'm fabulous – so fabulous I pee glitter!"

And Bella had started throwing spoons. While crying. Digging out the semi-dormant sergeant inside of me, I ordered James out and sat down at the table with Bella sideways in my lap. "Don't listen to him," I told her.

"But he's right," she sniffled, wiping her face in her sleeve. "My ass is huge!"

"It's not huge. And you're sitting on me, so I'd know," I pointed out. "Besides, as the husband, my opinion should matter more than the flamboyant friend's – and I think you're more beautiful than ever."

Another sniffle. "You're full of shit. You're sweet, but completely full of shit."

I hugged her close and buried my face in her hair. If I'd been good with words, then maybe I'd been able to convince that she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. The fact that she was carrying my child didn't change that – quite the opposite, in fact. When I looked at her, I saw my whole world, and it was beautiful. Besides, her ass was spectacular.

"If you don't believe me, then why do you think I'm letting you sit on me?" I asked. "I don't just let anyone do that, you know."

That made her giggle. "You better not! I'll have those skinny girls' asses. You know, when BC stops slowing me down."

"Who said anything about skinny girls? I was thinking that James would probably be first in line."

"Damn diva can sit on his own soldier," she muttered.

"Speaking of the diva…what's this baby shower business?"

She groaned and hid her face against my neck. "Don't remind me. I may have to claim bed rest that day. Hell, I'll take labor over diaper games or whatever the hell he's planning."

"Diaper games?" I shuddered. "You have to come. He threatened to join me in the shower if I didn't attend, but there's no way I'm facing something called diaper games alone. Can't we just wait until BC's born and then let him attend alone? It's called a baby shower, after all. Not a parents shower. Oh, hey, there's an idea! We can take our own shower while James throws BC a baby shower."

"Clearly, I married you for your smarts. Let's do that," she decided. "You know, if my big ass can fit into the shower."

I squeezed said ass. "Shut up. I married that ass – along with the rest of your beautiful body – and I won't have anyone talking badly about it. Not even you. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go break James' fingers."

"My hero."

I didn't break his fingers, but I did make him clean and check all the kegs after he'd spent an hour apologizing to Bella. Being the kinda-boss was awesome. Alec liked my idea of making James slave because that meant that he could check out the Georgia peaches. I had no idea what that meant until I saw him looking at James' ass. Then I fled upstairs to help out at the diner for a while.

In the end, it took Alec's help to make Bella and me go to the baby shower. He'd suggested to James that if the photos of me naked and the one of Bella and I in the office were to be put on sale on eBay, then James would have no problems getting us to agree to the baby shower thing. And he was right. I tried tattling to Sue, but she was all excited about the baby shower, too. She was also the one who had seen right through Bella's excuse of contractions that meant she and I needed to go to the hospital.

We'd been so sure it would work, but no. So we sat in the middle of the bar, slightly afraid of what was going to happen. I'd heard from Charlie that there'd been a heated discussion between Sue and James about the decorations. Sue – being the rational of the two – had wanted everything to be in blue since she had no problems accepting that she was getting a grandson. James, however, had not yet seen the light. So based on the decorations it kind of looked like we were having twins – one boy and one girl.

From what I'd learned, baby showers were mostly for women, but James being James didn't want to miss out. How he'd gotten everyone to attend was beyond me, but I wasn't the only man who looked uncomfortable in the maze of streamers, balloons, and diaper…creations. Emmett and Jasper were holed up in a corner, peering suspiciously at something made of diapers that looked like…well, I didn't actually know what it looked like. Maybe The Leaning Tower of Pisa. Or a moose.

"Can you get me a whiskey?" Bella asked, never taking her eyes the line of people coming through door, all carrying colorful presents, one bigger than the other.

I snorted. "No. But I can get you a bottle of water or some juice."

"Spoilsport. You love torturing me, don't you?"

"Of course I don't. I just think BC's a little young to be drinking yet, that's all."

"Son of two bartenders? Ass-kicking his way through a condom? Yeah, I think he's going to be spitting out the milk and demanding alcohol soon enough," she said, patting her stomach.

"Awesome. An alcoholic baby. I hope there's a gift card for antabuse or an invitation from AA in one of those gifts. Now, water or juice?"

She laughed. "Water, please."

"Coming right up." I leaned over to give her a kiss before going around the bar to find something to drink.

While getting a bottled water from the fridge, I heard voices in the office.

"I'm too big. It won't fit!" Alec said, exasperated.

"Yes, it will. Just try again, but slower," James replied.

I frowned, not sure I wanted to know what they were up to.

"Ow! Don't do that! Babe, I'm telling you. I'm too big," Alec insisted.

James grunted. "You think Eddie-poo would fit?"

Alec snorted. "He's even bigger than me."

"But I need this!" James insisted. "You big soldier boys suck."

"You like it when I suck."

"Focus! Less sucking and more fitting into this lovely tight thing, please."

Alec snorted again. "I won't fit no matter how much we try. I'll just rip it, and then who's going to cry?"

"All right, all right. I'll do it. Sweet baby Jesus, must I do everything myself? Pull that off and give it to me. I just need to take off my clothes. At least give me a hand with that?"

I didn't stick around long enough to hear Alec's reply, but hightailed it back to Bella as fast as I could.

"You look like you just met a ghost who vomited on your favorite shoes," Bella commented when I sat down next to her and handed her a bottle of water.

I stared at her. "Huh? How the hell do you come up with that stuff?"

She shrugged. "I'm bored. Has this thing started yet or are we waiting for BC to arrive first?"

I had no idea, but an hour later I was kind of wishing that I'd appreciated the calm before the baby shower storm a little more. It was difficult to be ungrateful because James and Sue, who were the shower generals, clearly wanted to do their best for Bella and me. We were drowning in gifts, and our family and friends wanted to celebrate BC with us. But it was madness. I couldn't turn my head without Sue snapping a photo, and Bella had slapped the last three people who had wanted to touch her stomach.

At one point, I even heard her beg BC to save her. "Come on, baby," she told her stomach. "Help your mommy, please. The presents are already here, so today would be a really good day for your birthday. Please come out?"

There was torture, only everyone insisted it was called games. Baby Shower Bingo. Name That Baby Tune. Pregnant Twister. What Will Baby Look Like. Baby Stroller Olympics. Diaper Changing Marathon. Who's That Baby. Personally, I thought it should all be called Edward's Nightmare.

There were a couple of highlights, like when my baby picture turned up in Who's That Baby and Sue told me how she'd called my mom and asked her to send a stack of pictures of me as a kid. My mom hadn't been very cooperative, but relented when Sue threatened to come to Seattle to pick them up herself. I also liked the Diaper Changing Marathon where all the men competed against each other. I found out that I wasn't as bad at it as I'd expected. Charlie won and Alec was the absolute worst, turning the diaper inside out.

The rest just made me wonder what the hell the point of a baby shower was. It didn't help when a big cake was rolled in and James popped out of it wearing a pink glitter top and a diaper. A very tight, pink glitter top. And a very big diaper. He started reciting a poem or something about BC being a girl, but he didn't get very far before Charlie interrupted him and said that either he stopped reciting and put on some clothes or he got used for target practice. Charlie was my hero.

Alec found it all hysterically funny and was nearly crying when he sat down next to Bella. "I tried to talk him out of it, I swear, but it was either him or a stripper jumping out of that damn cake, and I figured he would wear more clothes."

"That glitter outfit is going to give me nightmares," Bella said, peering up from one of the many cards we'd received. "But at least Dad intervened before he could finish his poem."

"They're…creative," Alec said, diplomatically, unable to suppress the smile completely.

Bella just snorted. "So, which one of you handsome soldiers is going to get me another piece of cake?"

Alec looked torn. On one hand, he feared the pregnant firecracker, but on the other hand, there was still a part of him that saw me as Sergeant Cullen.

"Baby, you already had two," I pointed out gently.

That earned me a glare. "Your son wants another piece."

Of course she had to use that one. And of course he did – Sue had made the cake, and my kid had great taste. Alec saw the surrender on my face because he jumped up to get Bella her cake. James had really struck gold with Alec. I wished I'd known him better when we'd been in the Army because he was a great guy and a great friend. He fit into our lives effortlessly, and the only one who'd needed a little while to warm up to him was Rose. She had to be certain that he wasn't another one of those Army stalkers she'd thought I was at first. The girl was protective of her friends.

Alec and Bella had connected instantly and developed a special bond, which touched something deep inside of me. She had never really connected with Jasper, and my family had never given her a chance, so Alec was the only one who played part of my past that she had formed a relationship with. I wasn't selfish enough to think that I was the reason they'd bonded, but I liked it. If any one person had pulled them together, it was likely Jake. Or maybe James. Just like it had been the case with her and me.

When people started get ready to leave, Bella and I thanked everyone for coming and for the gifts we'd received. They had been incredibly generous, and although parts of the afternoon had been kind of horrible, I loved that they all wanted to celebrate BC with us. Alec had even managed to subdue James into behaving like a rational human being after the whole cake thing. I was going to ask Alec how he'd done it later, praying the reply was nothing dirty.

Just as they all began filing out one after one, Leah started yelling up by the bar. "Don't touch me, asshole! I don't want to hear your stupid excuses! In fact, I never want to see you ever again!"

"Come on, Leah, you know I didn't mean to hurt you," Jasper argued.

"How the hell can you call texting all night with your stupid ex not hurting me?" Leah asked. "And I'm sure you were just concerned about her health when you asked her what she was wearing, right? Seriously, how stupid do you think I am?"

"What the hell were you doing with my phone anyway?"

"Checking the time!" Leah spat. "And when I saw that you'd changed the picture from us at the Space Needle to some unknown woman, I fucking snooped! Sue me!"

"Baby, I swea-"

He didn't get any further in whatever he was saying before Rose's fist connected with his chin. I was pretty sure he hadn't even seen her coming. Jasper swore, Rose cried out in pain, and Leah obviously got inspired as she promptly kicked his shin.

Emmett already had ice ready for Rose's hand, and he led her over to a booth in the corner before she took anymore swings. She did look like she wanted to even though she was obviously in pain. Bella and Sue took care of Leah, and I decided to get Jasper out of there. Not so much for his own sake, but to keep everyone inside calm.

"Explain," I told him while steering him up the stairs. Alec had tossed Jasper an ice pack on the way out, and he was holding it gingerly against his chin.

Stepping into the parking lot, he leaned against his car before he started talking. "Fucking hell. Rose packs a mean punch."

"I saw that part," I replied, impatiently. "What did you do to Leah?"

He dropped the ice pack and stared at me. "What did I…shit, Edward. I thought you were on my side."

Snorting, I crossed my arms over my chest and shook my head in amazement. "That's rich coming from you considering how you were never on my side. Now I'm going to ask you again – what did you do to Leah?"

"Nothing! She overreacted, that's all. And I was on your side."

"I don't believe you in either case," I told him. Then I sighed. "You know, back when you emailed me and asked me to call you, I kept wondering if we could somehow get back to the point in our lives where we were best friends. And for a while I thought we'd succeeded at least a little bit. But the fact is that if you hurt Leah, I'll have no problems kicking you as far out of town as I can.

"I didn't say anything when you started dating my sister all those years ago, and the two of you can keep fucking up each others lives until the end of time for all I care. But I do care when you hurt an innocent girl in the process. You're forgetting that Leah is family, and not having your family's back might be okay in Seattle and the Cullen family, but it's not okay up here."

He nodded slowly. "I guess that's it then. You've made your choice."

"You were the one who chose, Jasper," I corrected him. "It just took you almost a decade to realize the consequences of your choice."

"We don't all have it as easy as you, being guided by some divine destiny, going to war and coming home a hero to have everyone fawn over you. The rest of us have to work for it."

"Fuck you, Jasper. Just fuck you. You have no idea what you're talking about, and if you think I came home a hero and not broken, then that just shows what a shitty friend you are – what a shitty friend you've always been!"

"Whatever." He threw down the ice pack and unlocked his car, only to stop short when Emmett came jogging over.

"Dude," he said, looking at Jasper. "That's so not okay to be sexting the crack bunny behind Leah's back. What the hell did she ever do to you, man?"

Jasper looked torn between wanting to get the hell out of there and explaining himself to Emmett. "She didn't do anything, and I wasn't sexting with Alice. I was ju-"

"Don't," Emmett interrupted him, holding up Jasper's phone. "I read the texts."

Jasper closed his eyes and leaned his head back. Dude was so busted. When he opened his eyes again, Emmett threw him his phone, and I cracked a smile when his aim was off, sending the phone smashing onto the asphalt.

"Nice, Em," Jasper commented and picked up the pieces.

Emmett shrugged. "Oops? Now get lost or I might see if I can hit you harder than my wife did. Maybe Edward wants to take a swing, too, since there is – sorry, was – a text on your phone that proves that you were the one who told his parents where to find him."

I wasn't even surprised after finding out how he'd treated Leah. "So you've been lying the whole time? That's nice, Jasper. You and Alice are really perfect for each other, and I hope there will be a lot of mutual destruction going on between the two of you."

I turned to leave, not interested in wasting anymore of my time on him.

"It wasn't like that, Edward!" Jasper called out. "I just…fuck. I know she's bad for me, but she's like a drug. I can't stay away, man."

I didn't care, so I just kept walking. Behind me, Emmett and Jasper were still yelling at each other, but it had nothing to do with me anymore. Emmett was arguing with his roommate from college, that was all. I believed in second chances because I felt that I'd been given one in Forks, but I regretted giving Jasper one because Leah had ended up getting hurt. At least now we all knew better when it came to him.

Back inside, I went over to Leah, who was entertaining everyone who'd listen by telling stories of how much Jasper sucked in bed. I waited until she'd illustrated with her fingers how small his cock was. The girl was awesome.

"Leah, I'm really sorry for having part in that bastard coming into your life," I said to her.

"It's not you fault he's an idiot, Edward," she replied, sighing deeply and downing her drink. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I'd love to blame someone, but the fact is that I can't blame anyone but myself for falling for him."

Alec appeared with another drink, and after thanking him, she tilted her head thoughtfully. "I think the problem was that he wasn't a soldier. Look at Bella and James. They're happy as clams with you soldier boys. Can't you guys set me up with someone from you old unit or platoon or whatever?"

"Um…" I didn't know what to say, but Alec didn't have the same problem. He sat down next to her and gave her a bright smile. "You betcha, honey. But let's wait a while, okay? These are good guys, so don't use them as rebounds."

She sighed. "Okay. But you promise to find me a soldier boy?"

Alec nodded. "I promise."

"Good." She stood up and addressed me. "Do you have a shift here at the bar for me tonight? If I go home, I'm just going to cry, and I refuse to waste any tears on Mr. Tiny Dick."

I looked around. While the Jasper drama had been going on, the bar had been cleaned up and the decorations had been taken down, and the guests had given place to customers. All the leftover food and the presents had been removed, as well. It was work time. "Sure. Alec or James can have the night off if they want. Maybe keep Bella company or something."

"Thanks, Edward." She downed the drink she'd just gotten from Alec and went around the bar.

"How about you take the night off and keep Bella company?" Alec suggested to me.

"Don't make it sound like a question, baby cakes," James said behind me. "Just tell him to go home to his baby mama."

Alec laughed. "You tell him. He wasn't your sergeant a year ago."

"Sadly, no. I would have been good at saluting Sergeant hot buns, though," James snickered.

"And you'd have looked great in a uniform," Alec added.

I just waited for them to realize that they were drifting off topic. I liked James' idea about me taking the night off. I was mentally exhausted after the crazy baby shower, and an evening on the couch with my lovely wife sounded like heaven. I didn't even know where she had disappeared off to, and I didn't like not knowing where she was so I couldn't check up on her. Or as she put it – annoy her. I figured a guy had the right to worry.

When I returned my attention to the lover boys, they were still blabbering.

"It's just a shame that the uniforms aren't a bit more fashionable," James lamented. "And that all the yummy soldiers can't just wear dress whites all the time. They'd look like Tom Cruise!"

"White's not very good as camouflage in the desert, though," Alec pointed out.

"Stupid desert." James pouted. "They should move the war to Antarctica."

I cleared my throat.

"Oh!" James looked at me, grinning. "Go home!"

"All right," I replied, obviously surprising him by not arguing. "Call me if you need me."

"Oh, muffin stud. You had your chance. I don't need you anymore now that I've got my own sexy soldier." James smiled serenely, and Alec laughed so much that he had to hold onto the counter behind him.

"Goodnight, guys," I said, shaking my head and fighting laughter. "Be nice to Leah, and don't forget to lock up, James."

"Yes, Daddy," James teased.

"Big Daddy!" Alec chortled.

And that was my cue to get out of there. I waved to Leah and hurried upstairs. While climbing the stairs, I got a text from Emmett, saying that Rose had had her hand checked out and everything was fine. And that his hand was fine, too.

I frowned. Had Emmett punched Jasper after I'd left them in the parking lot? I texted him and asked.

Upstairs, I found Bella on the couch with her feet up on the coffee table, chewing on a carrot stick and trying to balance her laptop on her stomach.

"Hello, husband. On lackey duty tonight?"

I chuckled and sat down next to her, pulling her in for a kiss. "You're a riot."

"I try," she replied and put the laptop down next to her. "You know, you're a much better lackey than Alec. He never kisses me like that when he comes up to check on me."

"I'd hope not! Wait. He never kisses you like that? That suggests that he does kiss you."

She shook her head and patted my cheek. "You're funny when you're jealous of a gay man so in love with his boyfriend that he can't see straight. I hope you know that."

I huffed. I wasn't jealous. "Speaking of gay men, then they were the ones to suggest that I took the night off. Leah wanted to work a shift so she wouldn't be stuck at home crying over Jasper."

Bella turned so she could better look at me, and I placed her feet in my lap so I could massage them. "Oh God, you are the best," she said and moaned when I started working on her foot. "What happened outside?"

I sighed. "He was a bastard. He's been lying from the start, both to Leah and me, and he spouted some nonsense about me having it easy because I came home a hero, which made everybody fawn over me. He just…he never even tried to understand. Emmett looked in his phone – before he smashed it, by the way – and he said that Jasper was also behind my parents showing up here. He's been playing us all."

Bella reached for my hand. "I'm so sorry, babe. I know you were starting to trust him again. When BC decides to bless us with his presence out here in the real world, I'm gonna go hunt down Jasper and tell him what I think of him."

I smiled at her. "I appreciate the thought, and it's kinda hot, but he's not worth it. He's a chapter that should have been closed with the rest of the miserable family book."

My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I pulled it out. "I don't know if you heard, but Rose's hand is okay," I said.

"Thank God. The last thing that girl needs is another cast."

I read the text from Emmett and chuckled. "Emmett punched Jasper, too. Got him in the eye. His hand is also fine."

Bella snorted. "I love those two."

"Yeah…" I smiled to myself and put my phone on the coffee table.

Tugging my hand, Bella made me look at her. It wasn't a chore. She looked cute with ruffled hair. "I know that it might take more than words to convince you considering your shitty family and just as shitty best friend, but BC and I are never leaving you. And no matter where you want to go or what you want to do, I'll always be there for you and be your biggest supporter. You need to know that, and if you don't know it now, I'll convince you."

Overcome with emotion, I pulled her into my lap and buried my face in the crook of her neck. "I know," I managed to say. "I love you so much. So much."

Bella let me fall apart for a while, letting me hold her while she ran her fingers through my hair. "I love you, too. More than anything."

When I'd pulled myself together, I looked up and gave her a smile. Then I kissed her before bending down to kiss her stomach. I had my whole world in my arms, and no one but me could ever claim to have the world's most amazing wife, because that title belonged solely to Bella. And I couldn't wait for BC to come out so I could meet him. I already knew my little man was awesome, but I wanted to hold him. And see him.

"Edward?"

I looked up. Bella was biting the inside of her cheek. "Yes?"

"Do you think it's weird that we haven't discussed names for BC yet? Mom and Rose keep pestering me about it."

I frowned. "Well…what if we decide on Peter and BC comes out not looking like a Peter?"

"Exactly!" she exclaimed. "But we're not naming him Peter, right? I mean, there's no way we could make a baby that looked like a Peter."

"Nah. We make awesome babies. Not sissy Peters."

I felt her nod against my neck, and we sat in silence for a while. I was trying to picture what BC would look like. I hoped he looked like Bella and grew up to be as awesome as all his Swan relatives.

"Edward?" Bella asked again.

"Yes?"

"Are you going to cook? Your son is hungry."

I chuckled. Now he was my son again. "Yeah, I'll cook. What do you – sorry, BC – want?"

"Pasta. And something with apples."

And was there really anything better than spending an evening cookies pasta and something with apples for your wife – sorry, son?

I couldn't think of one damn thing.