You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide
"Collide"
-Howie Day
Chapter 29:
Where the hell did my brain go?
Jacob was staring curiously at me, Um, are you okay? You haven't said a word for five minutes now…
I had gotten so used to getting lost in thought this past week, that I didn't realize how silent my thoughts had actually become.
I nodded, I'm just trying to figure out at what point in my life things actually started to go right. It was all a little weird. I'm just so used to things going wrong that I get a little freaked out when something goes right, I admitted.
So do you want the job or not?
Of course. I was still flabbergasted.
Cool.
Are you sure you're not high? I laughed.
Oh yes, because I spend all of my free time smoking pot with Edward behind his garage, Jacob snapped sarcastically.
I couldn't help but laugh at the mental picture of Jacob and Edward passing a doobie back and forth and laughing about how shiny Edward was in the sunlight.
Don't make me regret making you my second in command. He shook his head.
I won't disappoint you, I said seriously.
I know, Jacob nodded.
I took a moment to realize how much this truly meant to me. The fact that he had chosen me for this position meant that he wanted to keep me in his pack permanently. And, he was also keeping his promise that I wouldn't ever have to go back to Sam. That really meant the world to me.
This would be interesting. When Jacob wasn't around, that meant that I was in charge. It was a bit intimidating, but I had confidence that I could pull it off. It couldn't be that hard to manage three other wolves.
I had to wonder how those three other wolves were taking the news that I would be telling them what to do. Those suckers were mine. Quil would probably be a smartass. Ha, he could be the new me. I was the one who used to cause trouble in Sam's pack. I'm sure that Quil would resent me enough to fight me on everything I said. Embry would be a lot easier. He would probably be the complete opposite of Quil, because he would listen to everything I said. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't use Embry's feelings for me against him.
Seth would be a completely different story. I understood now why he had been pouting in my room earlier. But it was only natural for him to feel upset. He had been the first one to follow Jake when he broke away from the pack. I hoped he understood why Jacob chose me.
He does, Jacob interrupted my thoughts. He's not exactly happy about it. When he found out that his big sister was going to be giving him orders, he was caught so off-guard that he actually ran into a tree. He laughed. I laughed with him when I saw the memory. He didn't just tap the tree, he slammed into it head first. But after I explained my reasons, he seemed pretty okay with it.
And what do Embry and Quil think? I was almost afraid to ask.
They're both just so stoked to be part of the pack that they don't care, Jacob shrugged. There was a short period of silence, followed by a laugh. I grumbled a little to myself. I knew exactly what he was thinking. So, you and Embry? He teased.
Shut up, Jacob.
Seriously? He cackled.
Hey, you're the one who's going to be smooching on vampire girl in a few years.
Watch it. I had obviously touched a nerve mentioning Nessie.
Alright, alright, I can see how much you miss the kid. Get back to her before I throw up from all the love, I laughed.
He had already started racing back to the Cullen's place as he responded, Embry's at home. Apparently, he'd overheard my thoughts about needing to talk to Embry. I was actually a little surprised at Jake's reaction to Embry and I. He was pretty damn cool about it. Nessie had really mellowed him out. His mom grounded him again for "sneaking out." It's gotta suck having your parents in the dark about something this big.
I seconded that. It was hard enough keeping the dangers that Seth and I were constantly facing from my mother. I couldn't imagine having to lie about everything to her. Embry's mom probably thought that he was some horrible juvenile delinquent committing crimes by moonlight, when in reality, his job was to stop bad things from happening.
Embry's mother had no clue that he was a werewolf. And the laws prohibited him from telling her. So, she thought he was just being rebellious. I always thought that the "not aging" thing would eventually be a huge clue that something else was going on. But, since his dad wasn't in the picture, she probably assumed that Embry was just acting out and being an angry teenage kid.
It had to suck for him; growing up without a father. I hadn't been very nice to him about that. In fact, I was a downright bitch most of the time we had shared the same thoughts as wolves. I figured that since I was in such pain, that everyone else should have to suffer, too. I needed to make amends for that. Embry hadn't deserved my misplaced rage. He was already going through enough, having to hide things from his mother. I remember once seeing through his eyes a picture of his mother screaming at him for sneaking out and causing trouble. He didn't say anything back. He just stared into space and tried not to lose his temper or cry.
I'm sure Embry's mom won't be clueless for too much longer. Now that you two are in love, it's only a matter of time before you lose your temper and phase in front of her.
We are not in love, I growled a little. Though he was right about me and my temper.
What the hell do you think imprinting is?
Well, obviously Embry was in love with me. He had said so that night on the cliff. But what did I feel for him? God, relationships were so confusing.
Tell me about it, Jacob huffed. I used to think of nothing but cars, but now it's the Nessie channel 24/7…
No freaking kidding.
Yeah, I know. It did get a little tiring to hear him constantly doting on her.
You'll feel it one day too, Leah. It's a strong bond.
No, thanks. If I never bond with anyone again, I'll be perfectly happy. I had already experienced a bond like that before. And it nearly killed me when that bond had been broken. Even if I could feel something for someone else, I would always love Sam. Ironically, I think that's the reason that I hated him so much. Since I loved him, I would never be able to love anyone else. And that pissed me off. It would be so much easier if I could just stop loving him.
Until Nessie, I used to think that I would never stop loving Bella, Jacob sighed.
And you haven't. I could feel his love for Bella still weighing in his heart.
But it's not the same kind of love. I do love her. She's my best friend, even if she does stink. But the love that I have for Bella can't even hold a candle to what I feel for Nessie.
I still didn't understand how he could love Bella after everything she had put him through.
It's the same reason you still love Sam even though he left you for Emily, Jacob explained. See, no one is perfect… I scoffed. Bella damn sure thought she was. Jacob continued, We all screw up. Things happen. Some of it we have control over; but most of it, we don't. All relationships go through periods of complications. But the fact of the matter is, if you love someone, you still want to be around when things suck.
Thank you, Dr. Phil. I rolled my eyes. Since when are you so in touch with your feelings?
A lot's happened in the past couple of weeks. I could see he was back at the mansion. But I had one more question for him before he phased back.
Hey, have you talked to your dad since Nessie was born?
We've spoken on the phone once or twice. He sounded sad. Why?
I just thought maybe you should visit him. I'm sure he's lonely. Rachel is always with Paul, and Charlie spends most of his free time with Bella…or in my mom's bed…
I heard Jacob snort, Oh thanks, now I'll never be able to get that image out of my head. He curled his lip up in disgust. Now I'm going to need like ten years worth of therapy. He shook his head, trying to get rid of the mental picture I had created.
Not even a lifetime's worth of therapy could help you, I laughed.
Well, I guess that explains why your mom is spending so much of her free time playing nice with a bunch of vampires. And here I thought she was just trying to keep an eye on Seth. She was probably doing that, too. Hmm, who can I get you to sleep with so you'll brave the Cullen's mansion just like your mom? Oh, I know just the guy… I could feel the stupid grin on his face.
Phase back before I kill you, I threatened.
He howled in laughter and I felt him phase out. I'm sure he was still chuckling in amusement. Okay, it was pretty funny. I started to giggle as I made my way back home.
When I walked through the front door, my mother greeted me with a batch of muffins.
"Try this." She practically shoved the baked good at my face.
"Who are you, and what have you done with my mother?" I questioned.
"Just try it."
I shrugged and took a bite. Oh my God… The muffin was delicious. I didn't know my mom could bake! I quickly inhaled it and searched for another one.
"What do you think? I got the recipe from Emily." She looked at me curiously.
Oh, right, I hadn't praised the treat out loud. I was going to have to get used to talking out loud again as opposed to thinking everything in my head like I had been doing for the past week.
"I would answer you, but I'm too busy thinking about how awesome that muffin was," I smirked. My mom smiled in satisfaction and opened a tupperware container to get me another one. She handed it to me. I savored every bite. "What are you baking for, anyway?" I asked with my mouth full.
"I decided I was going to go by the Cullen's place today after all."
"Um, you do know that they don't eat anything without a pulse, right?" I questioned as I stared at the muffins.
"I made them for Jacob, Seth, and Charlie."
"What about me? I like muffins, too. Are you really going to make your only daughter go hungry and muffinless?"
My mom rolled her eyes at me and laughed. "There's another container on top of the fridge."
"Sweet." Score.
She went back to packing the muffins up. "You weren't out for very long."
"Told you I'd be back." I paused. "I'm just going to change into a different outfit and head back out." There was only one place that I wanted to go.
I disappeared into my room and started digging through my closet. My clothes were all pretty boring. I didn't have much to choose from. I didn't own many nice things. I used to until my temper started getting the better of me. The day that I shredded my favorite pair of jeans after having an argument with Sam and exploding into fur, I vowed never to spend another dime on brand name clothes.
I laughed at how stupid this was. Why was I trying to become someone that I wasn't? Man, I was being such a girl. I threw my closet door shut, and grabbed a pair of shorts out of my dresser.
After I changed, I quickly looked at myself in the mirror. I tilted my head in bewilderment. I hardly recognized the reflection staring back at me. The hateful, bitter Leah was fading. My astonishment continued as I was able to force out a genuine smile. I guess my life didn't completely suck after all. I had a place in my pack, the days of protecting the vampires was over, and everyone I cared about was happy.
Before I left, I went into the kitchen to say goodbye to my mom…and to steal another muffin.
"Heading out again?" she questioned.
"Yep. How long do you think you'll be out at the vampire's place?"
"Hopefully not too long." I saw her cringe. "But it's hard to pry Charlie away from there these days."
I sighed, "Yeah, the things we do for people we care about…"
"Oh, it's not all bad," she assured me. "I'm always surprised by something advanced that Renesmee does. Sometimes she'll do something that will make me think about you and your brother when you were younger. You were both very intelligent kids."
"Yeah, but we weren't potty trained when we were three days old." I rolled my eyes.
"No, unfortunately for your father and I, you weren't."
I suddenly let out a laugh remembering Seth's potty training days. He had gone through a phase where he would pee on everything.
"I remember when Seth peed on your flowers. You were pissed."
She laughed softly, "As crazy as it sounds, it's kind of neat to watch her learn things. She's a cool little kid, even if she is half vampire." She shivered a little.
"Well, have fun watching Baby Einstein learning how to recite the Declaration of Independence," I joked. Or at least, I thought it was a joke. But with Nessie, who knows? Anything was possible with that kid.
"Mmhm, and you have fun with Embry…"
How on Earth did she know where I was going? Her mother's intuition was a little spooky sometimes. I finally got why Alice could sometimes be a nuisance to the rest of her family. Psychics were annoying.
"Have fun and stay out of trouble." Mom smiled at me.
"You too," I smiled back as I walked out.
As I made my way to Embry's house, I tried to figure out what I was going to say to him. After an entire week of me completely ignoring the fact that he was in love with me, he deserved to hear some kind of heartfelt speech or something.
I grunted. I hated heartfelt speeches. They were all so generic. I was trying to come up with something, anything, to tell him. But my mind stayed completely blank as I paced towards his place. I got aggravated at myself. Stupid mind. I had spent an entire week with nothing but my thoughts, and my mind was choosing this exact moment to completely run away from me? I mumbled something about jamming a q-tip in my ear to shake my brain up a little.
By the time I reached Embry's house, I still had no clue what to say. How do you go from, Hello, how are you to I know you love me, but I don't love you, but let's date, anyway?
The brain was still missing when I knocked on the front door. Suddenly, a thought occurred to me. What if Embry's mother was here? Jake had said he was supposed to be "grounded." If the town's resident "bad seed" came knocking at her front door asking to see her underage son, she might freak. I had to come up with an excuse pretty quickly if that was the case.
I heard shuffling around behind the door. Crap. Think Leah, think. It didn't take me long to get it. Seth and Embry went to the same school. They were pretty good friends. I could just say Seth needed to borrow some notes or something.
It was his mother at the door. Interestingly enough, she wasn't frowning at me.
"Wow, Leah Clearwater?" I didn't know if the fact that she recognized me was a good thing or a bad thing.
"Hi, Mrs. Call."
"I haven't seen you in ages." The last time we had seen each other was my dad's funeral. And even then, we never really spoke. She just doled out her condolences, and then ran off to make a casserole of some kind for my mom. Why did adults feel the need to cook when someone died? Here, I know your husband is dead, but this broccoli slathered in cheese will make it all better.
"I know, it's been a while."
"How are you?" she questioned.
"Pretty good." I peeked around her inside the house to see if Embry was around. "I actually came to talk to Embry."
"Oh?" she asked curiously.
"Well, my brother missed a couple days of school…" I tried not to laugh. He'd missed more than a couple of days. It was a good thing he was smart, otherwise he would be completely lost the few times he did show up to class. "He wanted me to see if he could borrow Embry's notes." I smiled, satisfied that I had come up with this excuse.
"For what class?"
Damn it. I hadn't thought that far in advance. Let's see, what classes was Seth taking this semester. "Um, Gym…" Well, that was stupid. What kind of notes would you take in gym? How to keep your balls from sweating? I wasn't good at this lying thing. I frowned, "Is he home?"
I think she could see through my façade.
"He's grounded, Leah. No visitors."
I was about to give up when I saw Embry walk up behind her.
"Just give me a few minutes, mom. Please?"
I heard her grumble something as she walked away. She was probably angry that she couldn't control him. I saw his expression lighten up when his mother disappeared.
He leaned against the door frame and smiled, "It's good to see you. I was getting a little worried that you were never going to talk to me again."
"Why would you think that?" I questioned.
"I dunno. I just thought you were mad at me."
"No." I shook my head and looked down at his feet. He wasn't wearing any shoes. "No, as a matter of fact, go get some shoes on. We're going out."
He looked at me, speechless.
