NB: Sorry I haven't replied to reviews before posting the new chapter as usual but it is very late! So I will do it tomorrow at a more respectable hour :) hope you all enjoy!

Chapter 29

Duel

"He went where?"

It was as Anders had feared. When he and Cousland had reached the mansion Hawke was not at home and the place was a mess. It had looked as if a hurricane had blown through it; chairs were overturned and broken, tables smashed and doors knocked in. There was only one that still stood closed. When they knocked there was a soft cry that was swiftly silenced from beyond the heavy wood. They had announced themselves; the sound of scraping furniture and other things being moved was their only reply. Then the door sprang open to reveal Oranna, Bodahn and Sandal hiding in the kitchen. The elf girl had been overjoyed to see them, rushing to Cousland and throwing her arms around him.

"Relax, it's alright," Cousland had said with a soft laugh, "we're here to help, everything's fine."

For one moment Anders was sure that everything was going to be fine and that they would find Hawke and the others, make their way out of the City to safety...then Bodahn had told him exactly where Hawke had gone.

"Gone to the Viscount's Keep...that fucking idiot!" Anders said angrily, shaking his head in worried disgust, "What does he think he's going to do? Take on the Arishok all by himself? He's going to get himself killed!"

"Anders, calm down," Cousland said sternly, "we can't lose our heads, that won't help anyone. We need to decide what we're going to-hey!"

Cousland stopped short, his shout full of consternation and anxiousness, as he watched Anders turn on his heel and march towards the main door. Anders heard Cousland quickly telling Oranna and the others to barricade themselves back in the kitchen and not to come out until they returned. Then there was the sound of running footsteps as the Commander caught up with him just as he reached the door.

"Don't think you can just rush into this," Cousland was saying as Anders opened the door and stepped out, "hey, Anders! Come on, don't be a reckless arsehole, not now of all times!"

"I'm not being reckless," Anders said tightly, looking around the deathly quiet streets; dark clouds had turned the evening into a dark imitation of night all around them, "I just know what I'm going to do, so now I'm going to do it, that's all."

"Well you won't get to do any of it if you're dead, will you?" Cousland said wryly as he hurried to keep in time with Anders' purposeful steps, "I can see what's going on here. If I were the Arishok and I was instigating a coup de tat then the first thing I'd do would be take out the leader and then take over their stronghold."

"Then that means kill the Viscount and take over the Keep," Anders said, looking at Cousland as if he were only further affirming his rash actions, "which is exactly where Hawke was headed, which is exactly why I know where I'm going."

Cousland opened his mouth to argue further, his frown deep, but was stopped by Anders next statement.

"If it were Alistair would you hesitate?" Anders said seriously.

The Commander snapped his mouth shut. Anders was glad that at least Cousland understood, to an extent, how he felt. Not that Cousland was happy about it, oh Anders could tell that he wasn't from the continuing frown and the downturn at the sides of his mouth. Still, Anders thought, at least he isn't blowing up like he usually does. He's probably saving that for Hawke. Anders tried to push away the trivial thoughts as he and Cousland ran through the streets towards the Keep. Hightown was an uncanny juxtaposition of burning carts and barrels, partly destroyed buildings, roaring fires and deathly quiet streets. Anders and the Commander had bumped into a few citizens as they had made their way up to Hightown but, once they reached the deserted marketplace, they hadn't seen a single soul since. It was as if someone had come along in the night and snatched them all away. And that's probably exactly what happened, Anders thought angrily. All of this mindless violence and for what? Religion? A code of conduct? Disagreements over lifestyle? The Arishok may have had qualms with the Kirkwall way of life and, in all honesty, Anders could empathise. He could see many flaws in their society, many things that could be changed for the better, but kidnapping people and forcing them to accept your views and your law was not the way to do it.

Not much different than your plan now, is it? Anders conscience bit back at him. He swallowed and continued to run, choking on the thick smoke and smell of burning flesh on the air. No, he tried to argue back, this wasn't how it would be when he liberated the Kirkwall Circle, he wouldn't let it be like this. He swallowed down the bitter taste of his self assurance and forced himself to focus on the present. There's no time for that now, he thought as he and Cousland ran, panting, up the long stairs to the Keep. When they reached the top it was to be greeted with more fire, although not the natural kind.

Anders watched with a certain amount of awe as the mage before him lit up the narrow palisades and columns with bright licks of golden flame. The Qunari that stood before him, at least twenty in number, were being swiftly reduced. As Anders hurried forwards he could see that there were already at least ten lying dead on the ground by the door of the Keep. He looked around as the Commander gestured for him to follow, seeing no one else around. He raised his staff as they neared the oblivious mage, twirling it around his head before letting out a deadly fork of lightning from the end. The electric blue and white bolt shot through the air and slammed into the nearest Qunari warrior, sending the large beast to its knees in shuddering agony, before it leapt to its next target. Four fell in total, making the unknown mage look over his shoulder in surprise. Well, well, well, Anders thought as he shook his head, I'm just running into all the important people today am I not? Not that he recognised First Enchanter Orsino by looking at him, Anders had never actually seen him before, but he'd recognise the robes of a First Enchanter of the Circle anywhere. That and the distinctive staff that the man carried. Anders stopped at the elf's side while Cousland continued to rush forwards, straight towards the remaining Qunari force.

"Cousland stop!" Anders shouted futilely after the man; honestly, he thought, he's worse than Hawke.

"I don't know who you are," Orsino said, his voice rich in tone, "but thank you, I appreciate your help."

"There will be plenty of time for you to thank us later," Anders said as he readied his staff.

Orsino nodded and, without further ado began sending offensive spells into the approaching wave of Qunari. Anders, in contrast, kept all of his focus on Cousland. He revitalised the man with vigour spells, keeping his reaction time sharp, his blows powerful and healing him when necessary. As always, even though he was trying to stay focused on Cousland's health, the man was captivating in battle. Anders would always be the first to say that Hawke was graceful, his style of fighting allowing him to be brutal as well as devious, but he had to admit that, skilled as Hawke was, he had nothing on the Commander. Cousland's style was so subtle that it almost didn't look like a battle at all, more of a deadly dance between enemies. He hardly ever made physical contact with the hulking Qunari that surrounded him; his daggers were the only things they touched and, once they had, they tended to fall to the ground in a lifeless heap with a slit throat or a lacerated torso. Cousland wove in and out of the blows as if he were entirely unconcerned with the situation, rolling, ducking, sending out poisoned throwing knives into legs and arms, slicing at ankles and sending daggers into chests. Soon the only sound in the small square was the crackling of burning flesh and the distant yells and screams from within the Keep itself.

"Well," Cousland said as he approached, brushing away the ashes from his armour, his face and his body splattered with blood, "the Qunari aren't quite as hardy as I remember."

"Just who are you?" the First Enchanter said quietly as he looked at Anders and Cousland, focusing more on the rogue.

"Hardly important right now, is it?" Cousland said with a shrug, "although you're the First Enchanter of Kirkwall if I'm not mistaken, right?"

"I-I am," Orsino said , a little confused.

"Look, this little chat is all very nice and all," Anders said tightly, "but we really have more pressing issues to deal with. Have you seen Serrah Hawke?"

Orsino looked at him as if he couldn't possibly believe that he and Hawke could know each other. Oh for Maker's sake, Anders thought with a roll of his eyes, I don't look that bad do I?

"He and his companions are inside the Keep," Orsino said; he indicated to the dead Qunari around their feet, "these Qunari were blocking the entrance. I was distracting them to allow Serrah Hawke to gain entry."

The sounds of screaming from inside the Keep had fallen strangely silent. Anders couldn't help but let the lull fill him with dread. If there were no screams then surely that was because there was no one to scream. He rushed forwards, stumbling over dead bodies and discarded weapons, ignoring the shouts of Orsino and Cousland alike. All he could see in his minds eyes was Hawke dying or Hawke dead, and he couldn't stand it, he couldn't believe it to be true, he wouldn't, he needed to see him. He needed to know he was alright, more than anything. He rushed up the stairs and pushed his way through the small gap in the massive front doors. He was greeted with more corpses inside, Qunari and City Guard alike, some with their insides laid open and others with arrows through their throats. He paid no heed, only kept moving forwards. He could hear Cousland and Orsino following him but there was also something else which was becoming all too apparent. The sounds of battle.

Anders had been so busy convincing himself that his worst fears couldn't possibly be a reality that, when he ran into the throne room, he almost didn't believe what he was seeing. Fenris and Varric were the first people he recognised, before he saw Merrill and Aveline standing behind them. The shock made his feet slow as he stepped towards the familiar figures standing off to the left of the main hall, their eyes trained on the same unbelievable event.

Hawke was slowly circling the Arishok. The Qunari leader dwarfed the smaller man, his usually impassive eyes intent on his enemy, his hands gripped around his twin swords. Hawke's twin daggers looked paltry in comparison. The people in the hall, mainly nobles of Hightown, looked on in tense trepidation. Anders looked on in horror. Hawke was duelling the Arishok.

"How..?" he said without even truly realising he was talking aloud.

"Anders!" Merrill almost whispered as she rushed to him, taking hold of his arm in an awkward half hug, "you're alright, I was so worried!"

"I told you not to run off!" Cousland's voice was nothing but a harsh whisper as he and Orsino appeared behind him.

He turned to look at his Commander, at the First Enchanter, at Merrill and the others, at the rest of the spectators with their wide eyes and their open mouths. He couldn't take any of it in, it was too much. Everything was narrowing down to the amazement and the disbelief.

"How did this happen?" Anders said in anger, "This has to...we need to stop them!"

Anders blinked away his initial shock and made to step forwards, determined to stop this insane duel before it had even truly started. He was never more confused than when Fenris stopped him. The elf looked serious, verging on grave, and more than a little worried.

"Don't," he said, shaking his head.

"Don't?" Anders repeated, incredulous, "what do you mean don't? There's no way he can..!"

"It's the only way," Fenris said, pulling Anders back towards the group, "you don't understand. The Qunari they, well, this is just the way it turned out. Hawke was determined to stop this and a duel was the only way the Arishok would agree to end the bloodshed."

Anders watched Fenris closely, seeing the sadness and anxiousness that the elf was trying to hide beneath his apathetic exterior. Of course he's worried, Anders thought as he turned back to watch Hawke and the Arishok, of course he is. Who wouldn't be worried by this? They stood together and watched. Anders had never felt more helpless than when he watched as the Arishok moved in, when he watched as the massive Qunari swung his two mismatched swords, Hawke only just managing to roll out of the way, when he watched as Hawke managed to leap forwards and slash a long laceration down the Qunari's leg. The Arishok didn't even seem to notice the wound. Instead he lashed out with his leg, catching Hawke squarely in the chest. Fenris tightened his grip on Anders' arm as the mage jerked instinctually forwards as Hawke tumbled across the ground, coughing roughly from the force of the kick. The Arishok gave him no time to recover, striding in to swing one blade down, meeting only hard marble as Hawke rolled to the right and stood up. The rogue dodged as the second blade swung at his head, ducking in to stab at the Qunari's exposed chest but, unluckily, sending his dagger directly into one of the leather straps that crossed across the creature's pale skin. Hawke was forced to abandon the blade, stuck into the Arishok's armour, and spin away as the Arishok made to grab at him. Anders felt his chest tighten as the Arishok reached up with one hand and batted away the offending dagger which was still imbedded in his armour. Hawke spun his one dagger in his hand, he and the Arishok back to sizing each other up. Anders nearly jumped out of his skin when Cousland spoke.

"Oi Hawke!" both the rogue and the Arishok looked to Cousland, Hawke in surprise and the Qunari only with seeming curiosity, "Catch!"

Hawke caught the dagger that Cousland threw with practiced ease. He looked down to the weapon, longer and more curved than his own. The Arishok stared at Cousland as if affronted, although Anders found it very difficult to tell what the Qunari was thinking as his facial expressions were so very slight and subtle. Cousland just folded his arms and shrugged.

"Don't try and argue that it's illegal," Cousland said sternly, "I know the rules of a duel."

The Arishok didn't reply. Instead he simply looked back to Hawke and attacked without warning. Anders felt the need to close his eyes as Hawke blocked the Arishok's huge longsword with his crossed daggers, the force of it sending him stumbling backwards; somehow he managed to keep them open. The Arishok wasted no time in lunging in again with his twin headed blade, sweeping high, aiming for Hawke's throat. The rogue ducked under the fatal blow at the last second before throwing himself forwards, twisting through the air to send his dagger sinking into the Arishok's forearm. The Qunari let out a deep growl of pain and reared back, his wrist bleeding heavily. Hawke watched him carefully before darting in again, faking right then going left, getting in close to land a critical strike at the Arishok's neck. Yes, Anders thought, yes you can win this Hawke! His anxiety began to lift, reminding him that Hawke was a trained warrior, he knew how to fight, what on earth was he worrying about? That was before the Arishok lifted his right fist and slammed the hilt of his twin bladed sword down onto Hawke's forearm. Anders swore he could hear the bone as it cracked.

"We have to stop this!" Anders turned to Fenris, his eyes practically begging.

Anders would give him his due, Fenris looked ready to step in and interfere just as much as he wanted to, but thankfully they didn't need to. Fenris' eyes lit up and Anders looked around to see what could possibly make him react like that. He watched in sheer relief as Hawke, his right arm hanging loosely at his side, had taken the opportunity to strike at the Arishok's exposed chest once more, only this time driving his dagger deep into his heart. The Qunari let out a choked grunt and stumbled backwards, his back hitting one of the tall pillars that surrounded the room. Anders watched as the Arishok looked up at Hawke, his eyes clouding over, his hand reaching up to clasp the hilt of the dagger. Only he never got the chance to pull the blade free. His massive body slumped slowly to the ground, sliding down the pillar until he sat upon the floor as if simply resting. The death was so quick and anti-climactic that the room was left in a hushed silence, broken only by Anders' footsteps as he ran forwards, followed closely by Fenris.

"Hawke don't move, you have a broken arm," Anders said apprehensively, catching the rogue as he staggered backwards and nearly fell, careful not to touch his right wounds.

"You don't fucking say," Hawke said, his eyes glassy.

Then suddenly everyone in the room began to cheer. The sound was almost deafening, people hugging, people crying, people calling out for their champion. Hawke tried his best to look alive for them but Anders didn't care about that, didn't care about reputation or fame. All he wanted was to get Hawke somewhere safe where he could practice his creation magic.

"We need to get him out of here," Fenris said as he looked about anxiously, echoing Anders thoughts, "I'll keep the way clear."

"Good idea," Anders said, looking to Hawke who didn't seem to be taking much notice of him, "can you walk?"

"Think I'm going to...pass out now," Hawke said with a laugh as if he hadn't heard Anders at all, before his eyes fell closed and his legs gave way.

Anders struggled under the sudden full weight of Hawke's body in his arms. Between them both he and Fenris managed to gather Hawke a little awkwardly and carry him from the hall. People were still cheering, trying to run forwards to thank him, trying to touch him, show their gratitude, express their sher relief. Anders warned them off rather frighteningly, trying to stay calm and failing. It was as he shouted at a rather scared looking woman who had tried to catch his arm that he realised she looked different from the others; she was wearing robes. Anders looked up and stopped when he was suddenly staring into the eyes of Bethany Hawke.

"Bethany," he breathed out in shock; Fenris stopped walking, holding Hawke's uninjured arm around his shoulders.

"Is he alright?" Bethany said, her eyes wet with tears, "Please tell me he's alright!"

"He will be, I promise, he'll be fine," Anders said automatically, still amazed that she was here.

Staring at Bethany was like looking into the past, back to days when things had seemed so much simpler. It was then that the thought struck him. Anders knew that it was a terrible risk but he had been acting on instinct ever since had been told that Hawke had put himself in danger. Also it wasn't just Hawke who had lost a mother, Anders thought, Bethany had too and now she must be beside herself with worry over her brother's safety. Now, with this seemingly once in a lifetime opportunity staring him in the face, he couldn't pass it up; he grabbed at it before it became too late.

"Come with us," he said seriously.

Bethany stared at him as if he had two heads. To have Hawke's sister there for him when he woke up, Anders knew that it would mean everything to him. Then, with Bethany out of the Circle, he could try his best to get her out of the City to freedom. Anders' mind was working on overdrive as the First Enchanter walked up beside their group and watched them all. Anders would admit that, even though he'd never liked the sound of the man, that he was looking rather sympathetic just now. Of course, that was when Cullen showed up, pushing his way through the crowd. Anders ground his teeth. He handed Hawke to Aveline, who had been standing behind him.

"When you get him home lie him down and don't move him," he instructed the stoic woman, watching as she tried to hold back her worry.

He and Bethany watched as Hawke was carried out of the main doors, Varric and Merrill rushing out after him. Anders looked back to Bethany as he heard Cullen's voice.

"First Enchanter," Cullen was saying, "I need to talk to you."

"Come on," Anders urged Bethany as Cullen pushed closer, "I'll make sure you aren't hurt, I swear on my life."

"I can't," Bethany whispered back, looking as if all she wanted to do was run.

Then, suddenly, there was an arm around Bethany's shoulders and a friendly smile looking back at her. Bethany started badly, blinking at Cousland as he smiled.

"Yes you can," Cousland shrugged, pulling everyone's attention to him as he looked to the Knight Captain, "hey Cullen! You don't mind if we borrow your mage for a little while do you?"

Anders swore that if the whole situation hadn't been so dire that he would have found Cullen's reaction incredibly funny. At first he looked around in shock, then he blanched, then his face fell into a resigned expression.

"Oh," Cullen said, "it's you."

"What do you mean 'oh it's you'?" Cousland said, sounding insulted, "Is that any way to greet the man who saved your life?"

Bethany was looking around in sheer confusion, the First Enchanter following suit. Cullen sighed roughly, his templar escort holding back the crowd and keeping order as their Captain struggled with Cousland's rather indomitable nature.

"No I suppose not, but this is hardly the time to be talking about that is it?" Cullen said, "I need to speak to the First Enchanter and Bethany Hawke needs to come with us."

"Oh we'd only be borrowing her for a little while," Cousland said rolling his eyes as if it wasn't as big a problem as Cullen was making out, "you can come if you want, make sure we don't spirit her away somewhere."

"Cousland please, I don't have time for..." Cullen started.

"Well send one of your little lackey's then," Cousland said, shaking his hand at the multitude of templars dotted about the entrance hall, "just hurry up about it will you?."

Anders glared at Cousland but, in truth, was more than glad that he'd decided to bring his influence into the equation. Anders had forgotten that Cousland and Alistair had been the ones to save Cullen from Uldred at the Ferelden Circle. It seemed like he wasn't the only one being reminded of the fact, if Cullen's face was anything to go by. The Knight Captain looked incredibly frustrated and flustered.

"Alright, fine, just get out of here!" Cullen groused, looking distinctly uncomfortable, "And no funny business, you hear me? Anything happens and it's on my head, you understand?"

"Perfectly," Cousland smiled, looking genuinely appreciative, "thanks Cullen."

Anders frowned as Cullen blushed a little before turning away and clearing his throat, but in truth the mage wasn't even listening anymore, too busy rushing with Bethany out of the door after Hawke and the others.


Hawke was still unconscious when they arrived. He had been placed on his bed, his blood soaking into the heavy covers beneath him. Cousland had persuaded the templar that Cullen had sent with them to wait outside Hawke's bedroom door. Anders was glad that he could freely practice his creation magic without having to think about hiding it too well. Aveline had looked distinctly relieved as Anders and Bethany walked into the bedroom. Anders had immediately switched from worried friend to stern doctor. He ordered Varric to get him some bandages, Aveline to heat up some water and Merrill to bring him any elfroot she could find in the storeroom. No one argued. Anders only stopped when Cousland touched his arm softly.

"I need to go," the Commander said, making Anders panic irrationally.

"You'll be back though, won't you?" he said before he realised how stupidly desperate it sounded.

"Of course I'm coming back," Cousland said with a smile and a shake of his head, "got to bring your lost brats back, don't I? Anyway, have other things to do here that I might need your help with...better not to say too much. We'll be back by dawn."

It was only after Cousland had left that Anders realised that Cousland had said 'we'. He frowned but didn't think on it further. It was now only he and Bethany alone in the room with Hawke. She looked worried but strong in the face of it. Anders patted her reassuringly on the arm before he walked forwards towards the bed.

"I can help," she said quickly, making him stop; Anders watched her, she sounded like nothing would change her mind.

"Good," Anders said as he pulled off his coat and dumped it on the nearest armchair, "you see to that laceration on his leg, I'll deal with the broken arm."

Bethany looked as if she wanted to protest, perhaps thinking that she should have more say in her own brother's care than Anders, but thankfully for him she simply followed his instructions. Luckily, Anders thought, the break in Hawke's arm was clean. He could thank the Arishok for that much at least. He found the process of healing the wound really rather soothing. It was orderly and familiar. First of all setting the bone and being glad that Hawke was still unconscious for that part of the procedure. Then, once everything was in place, stopping the bleeding and healing the flesh where the bone had torn through. He was forced to stop half way through and rummage through his pouch for a lyrium potion and replenish his energy. He drank half and offered the rest to Bethany. She took it gratefully and they both got back to work. It was just as Anders began removing Hawke's armour so as to get a look at the quickly forming bruise on his chest that the rogue woke up. His green eyes were a little fogged and his smile far too happy considering everything that had happened. Probably concussed Anders thought, leaning in to check Hawke's eyes. He frowned when Hawke reached up to hook his arm around the mage's neck.

"Just can't wait to get me out of my clothes, can you?" Hawke said, making Anders swallow, his eyes widening with astonishment.

Anders was unable to react in time to stop Hawke pulling him down into a deep kiss. Anders could hear Bethany draw a startled breath in the background as he tried to extricate himself. What hurt the most, however, was probably the shiver of familiar pleasure that slipped down his spine as Hawke pushed his tongue into his mouth. Hawke's beard was slightly wiry, scratching against his face. It was unfamiliar, odd and it pulled Anders back to reality. He wrestled Hawke's uninjured arm away from his neck before leaning back, his breathing unsteady. Hawke was blinking, his eyes far more alert than they had been. When they focused on Anders the rogue reacted as if he'd been hit. All the relaxed happiness drained from his face, leaving the air around them tense and morbid. Anders hated it, he couldn't stand it, this estrangement. Hawke opened his mouth to speak, his eyes turning hard, but Anders beat him to it.

"Excuse me," he mumbled quietly as he stood, avoiding Bethany's confused stare, "I'll...be outside."

He rushed from the room before either brother or sister could speak. He pushed past the templar standing guard at the door and headed downstairs. All he really wanted was to be alone but unfortunately the living room was still full of people. Aveline look up from her seat by the fire next to Merrill. Varric stood by the writing desk and Fenris paced back and forth in the middle of the room, only stopping when he caught sight of Anders at the foot of the stairs.

"Is he well?" Fenris asked, ignoring Anders' own discomfort.

"Yes," Anders said, still feeling a little flustered but trying to calm himself down, "yes he's fine. He just needs some rest and...he'll be fine."

Anders was aware that everyone was staring at him and tried to act as normal as possible. He walked further into the room, purposefully not making eye contact with anyone.

"You alright Blondie?" Varric asked as Anders walked to the chair by the writing desk and sat down.

"I will be," Anders smiled as best he could, dropping it when he realised that it probably wasn't very convincing.

"Can we see him?" Merrill asked, standing from her chair.

"He's with his sister just now," Anders said monotonously, "it's probably best to give them some time alone."

Merrill nodded solemnly before sitting back down. Everyone was silent as they waited. Anders wished that he could think of something to say, something to start a conversation that would at least distract them all, but nothing would come. His mind was still in a state of disbelief from the impromptu slip back into the life he'd left. The kiss had been like some cruel snapshot of the happiness he should have had. Yet, as Anders sat there, listening to Fenris' light footfalls as the elf continued to walk around the room, unable to sit still, that he realised it wasn't just the kiss that had him unable to think straight. It was the look on Hawke's face after he had realised exactly where he was and what he had done. A look filled with remorse and completely devoid of hope even as it wished for something it knew it couldn't have. It made Anders feel like a complete and utter bastard for putting it there in the first place.

When Bethany eventually descended the stairs, followed by the templar, saying goodbye to everyone before she was taken back to the Circle, Anders couldn't even bring himself to face her. There would be no rescue, there would be no 'spiriting away' as Cousland put it. Hawke would probably never speak to him again if he did. He'd only be putting Bethany in danger, keeping her further from her brother than she already was. Even as the others headed upstairs to see Hawke, Anders stayed where he was, his eyes trained on the nothing before him.

"Aren't you coming?" Aveline said in confusion as she neared the bottom of the stairs.

Anders just shook his head and smiled a little. Aveline, and Merrill who stood behind her, looked at him a little oddly before they continued up the stairs. It wasn't his place anymore, Anders thought. That was just the reality of it. People liked to pretend that there was the chance of friendship after love and perhaps for some people there was. Not for him and Hawke it seemed. There was too much underlying need between them for a friendship to be viable. Anders ignored the hollowness in his chest at the thought of never seeing Hawke again. It didn't seem entirely conceivable. No Hawke? They'd known each other for three years now and, even then, when they met Anders felt like he'd already known him for much longer than that. His mother used to tell him that everyone had someone they were destined for in this life. Anders had never believed her, he'd never believed in the idea of only getting that one opportunity for love. Yet now, here in Hawke's living room, the heat of the fire warming the coolness of the summer night, he felt like he was throwing away his one chance at happiness. Anders felt the distinct need to get up and leave. He was only stopped by the fact that he had left his coat upstairs and that Cousland had said he would return. He looked to the clock, grimacing; only ten o'clock. Cousland had said he'd be back before dawn.

"Looks like I'm in for a long night," Anders mumbled to himself.

The visitors filtered back down the stairs at different intervals. Aveline was the first to appear, looking far less worried and a little more irritated than she had before she had ascended to Hawke's bedroom. Anders blinked as she said her goodbyes.

"Honestly," the Guard Captain said, "that man is incorrigible when he's injured."

Anders couldn't have agreed more, wondering how many times Hawke had probably tried to get up before Aveline had threatened to tie him to the bed. Varric and Merrill came next. The elf looked tired but happy, giving Anders a comforting smile that seemed to say that everything would be alright. Anders felt bad that the blank look he gave her back said that it didn't believe her.

"You've done a good job as usual," Varric said, trying to be light-hearted, "no one would have known that he'd been duelling someone way out of his league with the patch up job you did."

"Bethany helped," Anders said dully.

"Yeah, well you can be as modest as you like," Varric shrugged.

"Don't you want to come and stay at my house tonight?" Merrill said, shifting on her feet, "Get some sleep? You look exhausted."

"I would," Anders said, actually tempted by the thought of uninterrupted sleep, "but I have to stay. Cousland said he would come back and I should really take another look at Hawke's wounds before I go."

"Oh, okay," Merrill capitulated, seemingly unwilling to persuade him further, "then I guess we'll see you tomorrow?"

Anders nodded his goodbye to them both. It was another few minutes until he felt the familiar rub of a cat around his ankles. Anders looked down and smiled genuinely at the little, alert face that looked back at him.

"Hello you," Anders said as he reached down, Madam smelling his hand a little timidly before she recognised him and allowed him to stroke her.

Yet another teasing slice of something I can't have, Anders thought wistfully as he stroked the cat, scratching behind her ears. Madam began to purr with the quality of a baby dragonling and just as loud. Anders laughed softly at the sound. She was basically a cat now but still gangly like a kitten. Anders watched her swirl about his hand, moving her head to make him scratch just the right patch of fur. He didn't hear Fenris coming down the stairs at all. It was only as the elf spoke that Anders realised his presence, hiding his surprise rather well he thought as he looked up.

"He's asleep," Fenris said slowly, watching Anders with an odd light in his eyes, "if you want to tend to him."

Anders nodded slowly, a little confused by Fenris' blunt statement. He watched Fenris and Fenris watched him back. Is it just me or is something odd going on here? Anders thought with trepidation. Fenris seemed to be looking at him with purpose, as if searching for a sign. Eventually he looked away, his eyes downcast but determined. Anders almost thought he was going to stand there in front of him indefinitely until he spoke again suddenly.

"If you break his heart," Fenris said, making Anders look at him even as the elf avoided his eyes, "I'll never forgive you for it."

And with that Fenris turned on his heel and marched down the short corridor to the main door and left without another word. Anders stared after him, trying to figure out the odd exchange they had just taken part in. In a strange way it felt to Anders like a realisation and not just for Fenris but for them both. It seemed to the mage that Fenris had finally realised that he could never fully have Hawke in the way that he wanted to, for whatever reason that was Anders wasn't sure. A small, silly and irritating part of Anders mind liked to think it was because Hawke was still in love with him. Anders hated that part because it gave him hope while taunting him. His own realisation was a little harder to deal with. Anders stood up, leaving the cat staring up after him, and thought about it as he walked to the stairs and ascended them slowly.

He loved Hawke and he truly didn't care what the rogue did, it would never change. Anders liked to think he was perhaps strong enough to resist, or to make himself fall out of love or be discerning or have better taste in partners, but it wasn't true. Anders loved Hawke, flaws and all, just Hawke seemed to love him despite his faults. The realisation wasn't a new one, he'd give himself that. It was just something he had rediscovered. A knowledge he had buried so that he could survive his own decision to leave. But you aren't allowed a normal life, his conscience argued, you can't afford to be involved, to care, to love. That was when Anders realised exactly where he had heard that argument before and the thought made him a little ill. It was what the templars and the Chantry priests had drummed into him as a boy and continued on through into his adulthood. You will never be normal, you will never live a normal life, you will never be worthy of the things normal people are worthy of. How did I end up like this? Anders thought as he walked across the landing and opened Hawke's bedroom door, spouting the Chantry's own abusive lies back at myself, allowing that to become the doctrine by which I live my life? It was as his amber eyes met Hawke's green that he realised he'd been living a lie to protect himself and had somehow ended up practicing the very thing he was trying to fight against.

You shouldn't deny yourself anything, Anders said to himself, I thought you wanted to be free.

"Fenris said you were asleep," Anders said for lack of anything better.

"Then Fenris is a liar," Hawke said, his voice suspiciously toneless.

Anders walked into the room and closed the door behind him. Hawke was following his every move with alert eyes as if he expected Anders to attack him at any moment. The mage approached the bed, his nose wrinkling at the smell of the blood still soaked into the bedclothes.

"Are you in any pain?" he asked clinically.

"A little," Hawke said, looking away, "nothing serious."

"I can help if you'll tell me where it is," Anders said, crossing his arms.

"No, it's fine," Hawke said.

The silence that descended was awkward and, paradoxically, rather loud. The rustling of fabric as Hawke moved on the sheets was like gusting wind through trees. Anders shuffling on the carpet was akin to sheets of rain falling against the ground. He hated it more than their rather formal and stilted conversation. It shouldn't be like this, Anders thought, you should be able to tell him how you feel. No hesitation, no unease, just tell him that you love him and be done with it. Don't lie anymore Anders, he thought to himself, it's not worth it. Be as happy as you can for as long as possible, remember? Only what came out wasn't quite the forward confession he'd hoped he could say. Instead what he said sounded unfoundedly jealous and irksome.

"Fenris was up here for a long time," Anders said.

"We were talking," Hawke said, moving carefully as he pulled himself into a sitting position.

"Oh really?" Anders said, irritated even as he reached out to help Hawke sit up, "What about?"

"Actually he said that I shouldn't let go of the one thing in my life that seems to make me truly happy," Hawke said, looking straight at Anders as he said it.

"Well that's good advice," Anders said tightly, hating that his heart began to race.

"Yes," Hawke agreed, "which is why I think I'm going to take it."

"That's good," Anders evaded, standing back up and brushing himself down, "I'll be downstairs if you need me."

Everything was conflicting. Anders wasn't used to feeling this way, it was odd and difficult to deal with. He was used to being focused on what he wanted. Before Justice he had wanted freedom no matter what, after Justice he had wanted the same thing only on a large scale; he wanted it for everyone and forever. Now, with Hawke in the mix, Anders couldn't decide on what he wanted. One moment he would be so adamant that he loved Hawke and their life together that he couldn't imagine having anything else and then, moments later, he would be desperate to be apart as he was scared to death that he would only hurt himself and Hawke with their relationship. Now was one of those moments. Yet as he neared the bedroom door, ready to walk through and extricate himself back into the world of solitude, nightmares and regret, he was stopped by a single word, a word that rekindled the hope that he thought he'd lost the day he told Hawke that there was nothing between them worth fixing.

"Wait," Hawke said.