Chapter Twenty-Nine: Find
"How was your first day?" Brooke asked as Ryan walked into the house followed by Sam and Jack.
Ryan ignored her as he walked straight up to his bedroom with his arms crossed across his chest.
"He didn't talk the entire way home either. Jack pretty much had to make him get in the car when we went to pick him up; he's really upset with you." Sam said as she slung her backpack onto the floor before throwing herself into the armchair.
"We better go talk to him." Julian said as he got up and extended his hand to Brooke.
"I think I should talk to him by myself." She said. "I'm the one who upset him."
Julian nodded and watched as she made her way up the staircase to their son's room.
"Hey buddy. Can I come in?" She said softly as she knocked on the door. When she didn't hear him answer she pushed the door open slightly.
"I didn't say you could come in!" He yelled when he saw her standing in the threshold of his room. "Go away!"
She stayed put. "I know you're really mad at me for not being here this morning and I'm really sorry for that but I have a surprise for you."
He looked at her for the first time. "You do?"
Brooke nodded. "But you have to let me come in so I can tell you."
He looked at his stuffed bear, then at Brooke and again at the bear. "Okay." He said meekly. "You can come in."
She smiled as she made her way over to his bed where he was sitting playing with the ratty ears of his bear. "I'm really sorry, Ry." She said as she wrapped her arms around him.
"You already said that." He replied. "And sometimes sorry doesn't always cut it."
She nodded. "I know." She wasn't quite sure what to say next but somehow found the words. "When I was your age my mom and dad didn't really care what I did. They'd leave me all alone in my big house with a nanny while they went off to Paris or London or someplace really nice for long periods of time. I hated when they did that because I didn't like being left with my nanny; I wanted my mom and dad to drop me off and pick me up from school. I wanted them to be the ones to help with my homework or to go as chaperones on my field trips. When I was your age I promised myself that I would never become them and that I wouldn't miss my son or daughter's first day of school or school play or soccer game but I did. I let you down and I am so sorry I did that, Ryan."
"It's okay." He said quietly.
She shook her head. "I know you're upset with me and that's okay because I'd be mad at me too. I told you I'd be here when you woke up but I wasn't—"
"Where did you go?"
"To my mom's house."
"Why?"
"I was scared."
"I was scared too and I needed you but you weren't here." He argued.
"I know you were but you had Julian and Sam and Jack."
"They're not you."
She could tell there was something else going on with him but she wasn't sure just what it was. His attachment to her was unlike his with anyone else; he hadn't bonded like this with Julian and she was curious as to why. He had been just as nice, just as nurturing, just as fatherly as she had been motherly so why was he so worried and concerned about her? Why did he hold her to a higher standard than Julian?
"What's my surprise?" He asked tearing her away from her thoughts.
"What?" She asked slightly confused.
"You said you had to tell me a surprise; that's why I let you in my room."
"Oh, right." She grinned. "Remember the other day when we were in the car and you asked to have a little sister or brother to play with once Sam and Jack leave for college in a few months?"
Ryan nodded and Brooke could tell he was completely lost. She opened her mouth to speak again but he cut her off suddenly. "Wait! Shouldn't Julian and Sam and Jack be in here when you tell me the surprise? I wouldn't want them to miss out. I want to share it with them because I bet it's a really good one."
"Go get them." She said. His compassion for others was something she couldn't get enough of.
He returned with everyone in tow and out of breath. "Got 'em." He said as he plopped down on the bed next to Brooke. "You can tell me now."
She smiled as she felt Julian's hands on her shoulders and saw her three kids staring at her, waiting to hear what Ryan called 'a big surprise.'
"I'm pregnant." She said simply.
Sam squealed and began to jump up and down while the grin that grew on Jack's face was almost as big as Julian's. Ryan, however, was quiet and pensive as he stared down into his lap.
"What's wrong, Ry?" Julian asked. "Aren't you excited to be a big brother?"
"I have two questions." He replied. "One is are you going to get rid of me now since you can have your own baby?"
"Baby," Brooke sighed. "How many times do we need to tell you that no matter what we are never getting rid of you. Never ever."
He shrugged. "I just get scared."
"Well you don't have to be." Julian assured him. "We love you."
"I love you, too." He responded.
"What's your other question?" Sam asked.
"Are you going to get rid of the baby?"
All four of them furrowed their brows as they looked at each other before at Ryan. "Why would we do that?" Brooke asked.
"My daddy got rid of my little sister because he said that I was being a terrible big brother and letting her get into too much trouble. He said that a boy was better to keep so I could help him when I got older or else he would have gotten rid of me too."
Brooke looked horrified and had paled about three shades. "When did he do that, sweetheart?" She asked.
He shrugged. "A little bit before he went away to heaven. I didn't even get to say goodbye." He said sadly.
"What was her name?" Julian asked as he reached for Brooke's hand.
"Emma." He answered.
"We're not getting rid of this baby," Brooke assured him as she pulled him closer. "Just like we're not getting rid of you."
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A few days later, Julian and Brooke were on their way to Dr. Turner's office. He had finally convinced her to talk to someone about how she was feeling concerning contemplating suicide and Ryan's latest horror story from his past life. "I told you that I'm fine and it's not going to happen again." She said softly as he parked the car.
He cut the engine before turning to look at her. "I know you did. I'm just scared because you didn't show any signs of depression. I didn't pick up on your suicidal thoughts and that scares me more than you'll ever know. I'm hoping that this will help both of us." He said as he reached for her hand. "You ready?"
She nodded and they both got out of the car and headed into the office.
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"How's Ryan doing?" Haley asked as she, Sam and Jack ate lunch in her classroom. Sam and Jack had been coming up there for lunch everyday to work on assignments under Haley's supervision to ensure that they got done.
"Good," Sam answered before taking a bite of her sandwich. "He had his first day of school last Monday. He really likes it." She wanted to tell Haley about Brooke's pregnancy but she as well as Jack and Ryan had been sworn to secrecy by Brooke and Julian; they didn't want anyone to know just yet.
Haley nodded at her words. "How about Brooke and Julian? I haven't seen them in a few days and that seems like forever."
"They're pretty content with their lives right now." Jack shrugged. "You know, constantly smiling and laughing and giggling. It's kind of nauseating."
Haley couldn't help but laugh. "How come?"
Jack and Sam glanced at each other before replying in unison. "No idea."
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"I hear you're pregnant." Peyton said as she stood in the kitchen at Jess and Lucas's house. Jess nodded and blushed. It was awkward just standing and making small talk with her fiancé's ex-wife. She wished Lucas and Connor would hurry up and get downstairs. Finally, she heard them making their way toward the kitchen.
"Hey buddy." Peyton greeted. "Did you have fun last night?"
Connor nodded eagerly. "I'm going to be a big brother again!"
Peyton smiled as she tried to hide her surprise. She hadn't thought Jess and Lucas would tell him so soon. "I just hope she has a boy. A boy would be so much funner!"
"I bet Sarah's a bunch of fun." Lucas tried.
Connor shook his head. "All she likes to do is play with her stupid dolls."
They all couldn't help but laugh.
"When can I stay there again?" Connor asked as Peyton drove home.
"Whenever you want." She answered.
He stayed quiet for a few minutes before speaking again. "I asked her if I could call her mommy."
Peyton stared at her son through the rearview mirror. "What did she say?" She asked warily, unsure she wanted to hear his response.
He sighed. "That it would probably hurt your feelings since you're my real mommy but if she's marrying daddy doesn't that mean she'll be my new mommy? Daddy said the baby in her tummy will either be my brother or sister so won't that make Jess my mommy if she's the baby's mommy? I was really mad when they told me no so I told them I'd ask you if I could call her that, can I mommy?"
Peyton didn't answer. Instead, she focused all of her attention on the road in front of her because if she didn't, she knew she would lose control of the car just like she felt she had lost her son to another woman.
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"When did you start having thoughts of suicide?" Dr. Turner asked Brooke who sat nervously across from him holding Julian's hand.
She shrugged. "Maybe two months ago?" She guessed.
"Do you know why you had them?"
"I felt like a failure. I came home for this all those years ago. I gave up everything I had because I wanted a family so when I found out I couldn't have one I was devastated." She said. "And I know I could have just adopted and everything would have been fine but we did that and I thought it would be but it wasn't."
Dr. Turner nodded as he scribbled a few words down on the notepad that sat on his lap. "Do you love the child that you adopted?"
"Of course." She answered quickly. "I love him as if he were my own…"
"But," Dr. Turner encouraged.
She looked over at Julian who squeezed her hand. "It's just not the same."
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"So when does the baby come out of you?" Ryan asked as Julian and Brooke tucked him in bed.
"Not for a little while, sweetie." Brooke said as she sat down on the edge of his bed. "The baby will be here in September."
"Right when I go back to school?" He asked incredulously. "I'm never going to see it!"
Julian smiled. "You'll see the baby all the time. You'll see her in the mornings before you go to school and then you'll see her in the afternoons when you get home and you'll get to spend all night with her. And, guess what?"
"What?"
"It'll just be you, me, Brooke and the baby since Sam and Jack will be off at college."
Ryan's eyes lit up. "I won't have to share her with them! I'll be the biggest and best brother ever!"
Julian grinned as he leaned down to kiss him goodnight before Brooke did the same. They were almost out of his room when they heard him call their names.
"I have a question." He said softly.
"It's getting late, buddy. You really need your sleep." Brooke responded. Lately, Ryan's questions had been long and involved and he had been asking them right before he was supposed to fall asleep. Brooke and Julian both knew that he was trying to put off going to bed for as long as he possibly could but they couldn't make him stop because he'd just ask anyway. Last night's question had been why are certain people different colors and why does everyone look different from each other. He wanted to know if he had a twin somewhere in the world because there were two twin boys in his class at school.
"It's a quick one. I promise." He assured them.
"Okay," Julian said tiredly as he leaned against the threshold of the door. "Ask away."
"Am I allowed to call you mommy and daddy because that's who you are to me? You give me a house to live in; you make me pancakes every morning because you know its my favorite food and you love me even if I color on the walls—"
"Yes." Brooke cut him off as she made her way toward him and wrapped her arms around his small frame.
"I didn't mean to make you cry." He said when he felt Brooke's tears hit his skin.
She shook her head. "These are happy tears, Ry."
He looked up at her and smiled before hugging her again. "Come on daddy! Join the hug!" He exclaimed as he waved Julian over.
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"Are you scared?" Sam asked as she and Jack lay in her bed. They weren't allowed to sleep in the same room but they could be together until ten-thirty each night before they had to separate. That was the rule and if it were broken there were consequences; Sam and Jack had learned that the hard way even though it was a total accident.
"About what?"
"Next year." She answered. "What if we don't get into the same school? What if we do and something happens and we break up? I need you in my life, Jack."
He turned on his side so he was facing her. "Just remember what you just said and we'll be fine. We're going to make it and everything will work out like we planned."
"Plans go astray all the time." She argued. "What's going to make ours work?"
"I love you and you love me. That's all that matters and that's what's going to make this work. We care way too much about each other to just let something small tear us apart. We're going to make it through college, get married, have kids and live happily ever after together."
Sam was about to respond when she heard a fierce knock coming from the front door. It was almost ten at night, who could possibly be at their house? She opened the door and was surprised to see the person standing on the other side.
"Can we spend the night?" He asked.
She crouched down to his height. "What are you doing here, Jamie? Where are your parents?" She asked as she looked outside expecting to see Nathan or Haley but instead she saw no one.
"They're yelling at each other and Chester and I can't sleep when they're yelling so I told him we are going to Aunt Brooke's house to get some rest." He said as he moved inside the house with Chester on a leash.
"Do your parents know you're here?"
Jamie shook his head. "They were too busy yelling to notice that I left."
"Jack's in my room if you want to go see him while I go tell Aunt Brooke and Uncle Julian you're here, okay?"
Jamie nodded and led Chester up the staircase while Sam headed toward Brooke and Julian's room. She knocked twice before entering. "Jamie's here." She said.
"With Nathan and Haley? Why? Did something happen?" Brooke panicked.
Sam shrugged. "All I know is he walked two blocks from his house to our house with that rabbit on a leash at ten at night."
"Do Nathan and Haley know he's here?" Julian asked.
Sam shook her head.
"Hey buddy," Brooke said as she entered Sam's room where she found Jack petting Chester and talking to Jamie. "What's up?"
"Can I stay here tonight? Please?" He begged.
"What's going on at your house that you can't sleep there?" She inquired.
"Momma and daddy keep yelling at each other. They're too loud."
Brooke nodded and glanced over at Julian who shrugged. She got up and whispered in his ear that she was going to call Haley to let her know they had Jamie. Julian sat down on the edge of the bed and started asking Jamie about school and other things to keep him distracted.
She paced in the kitchen while the phone rang on the other end; finally she picked up. "Haley!" She exclaimed. "What the hell is going on over there?"
"What do you mean?" She asked.
"Jamie's here. He—"
"What do you mean he's there? At your house? How is that possible?"
"He walked over here because he said he couldn't sleep since you and Nathan won't stop yelling at each other. What's going on, Hales?"
There was a long pause on the other end and with each passing second of silence Brooke grew more wary. "Haley?"
"He's leaving, Brooke." She said so softly Brooke had barely heard her.
"What do you mean he's leaving? Nathan? Where's he going?"
"Los Angeles. He's going to play for the Lakers."
Brooke sighed. "Okay," She said. "It'll be like the time he played for Phoenix. You'll just have to rely on e-mail, skype, phone calls and that sort of thing."
"When he played for Phoenix we didn't have a family, it was different back then. The only reason I wasn't with him was because my dad was dying and I needed to be there for him. I told Nathan how I felt about him taking the position in LA but he completely disregarded what I had to say. I told him if he took the job we wouldn't be here when he came back."
"Don't you think that's a little unfair?" Brooke asked.
"Whose side are you on?" She asked bitterly.
"I'm not on anyone's side but I do have to look out for Jamie. He's my godson and right now, I'm not sure who the worse parent is: Nathan for leaving his kids behind while he goes off to play basketball on the other side of the country or you, for giving your husband an ultimatum without thinking about how it'll affect your kids." She said. "I was just calling to let you know that Jamie is here and he's safe and he's begging to spend the night. I think it is in you and Nathan's best interest to let him stay here while the two of you figure things out. I can come and get Sarah in the morning if you want."
"Okay." She said meekly.
"And Haley?"
"Yeah?"
"You've been together almost nine years now; don't throw it all away over something like this. Talk to him, listen to him. He's your husband and the father of your children and I know deep down you don't want to lose him just like he doesn't want to lose you. You're going to make it through this." Brooke assured her.
"Thank you."
"Anytime." She replied. "Goodnight."
"Night, Brooke."
As she placed her phone down she wondered how long Nathan had before he left. Could they save their marriage in time or would it all be over before he left? She wasn't sure but she knew as she climbed the staircase back to where she heard everyone laughing, she couldn't let Jamie suffer as a result of his parents' anger toward one another. "You're spending the night!" She exclaimed as she walked back into the room.
"Yay!" Jamie cheered as he jumped up and down on the bed.
"But you have to go to sleep mister, it's late." She said.
"Where?" Jamie asked.
He had a point. They were running out of room in their house and with Sarah coming over the next day they were going to be crammed for space.
"We can put a sleeping bag out in Ryan's room on the floor. You just have to be super quiet when you go in there so you don't wake him up." Julian suggested.
"Okay." Jamie shrugged. "Can Chester sleep with me too?"
"You didn't bring a cage for him?" Brooke asked.
Jamie shook his head. "It was too heavy."
Julian laughed at Brooke's face of terror when she realized the bunny would be loose in the house all night. "Just make sure he stays in Ryan's room with you, okay?" He said.
They had finally gotten everyone settled and by that time both of them were exhausted but she couldn't sleep. She was tossing and turning unable to get comfortable. "Julian?" She whispered into their dark room. "Are you awake?"
He laughed quietly. "How can I sleep with you constantly moving?"
"Sorry." She mumbled as she scooted closer into his embrace so his arm was wrapped around her and her head rested on his shoulder.
"What's on your mind?" He asked before kissing the top of her head and squeezing her.
She stayed quiet for a few minutes as she contemplated how to put what she was thinking into words before speaking. "We need to find her, Julian. We need to find her and bring her home."
"Emma?"
She nodded. "Who knows what kind of a life she has now. What if she's sitting in an orphanage somewhere where they don't take care of her? What if she was put in someone's home where they abuse her? She's his sister and they're supposed to be together."
He remained quiet for a few moments before he divulged a secret. "I hired a private investigator earlier today."
She pulled away and looked up at him. "You did what?"
"They belong together; they're brother and sister and I'm not going to spend the rest of my life wondering what if we had looked harder for her? If we don't find her with the help of the PI at least we can say we tried but I'm not just going to sit around and pretend like she doesn't exist."
She looked at him for a few more seconds before leaning in and kissing him. "I love you, you know that?" She whispered huskily against his neck.
He nodded. "This is nice." He said softly.
"What? Me you and our baby lying together in bed in total bliss and happiness?" She grinned.
"That, and having a house full of happy kids. I didn't realize until I was sitting in Sam's room with all of them how much I've been craving this my entire life. They're happy and safe and content and it got me to thinking. Maybe this is the way my life was supposed to be; maybe all these kids are a part of my life for a reason and I was meant to do this."
"Do what?" She asked.
"Be a dad. I really doubted my ability until earlier tonight when Ryan asked if he could call me daddy. It makes me think that all the Megan drama, all the infertility mishaps and all the other hardships we've encountered along the way were worth it. It got me to today where my son is able to look up to me as a role model and call me dad."
She smiled at him before snuggling up to him. This time, sleep came easily for both of them but she fell asleep first. He grinned down at her sleeping form in his arms before placing his hand on her stomach. They had come a long way in two years and he couldn't be happier or more excited for the months that were about to follow.
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