I was still spun from the high of fucking Gidget into submission but angry too... I loved her, but lately her prodding and mothering was going further than I was comfortable with and I wanted to keep things together but there were days I just couldn't pull the prison Franky out of my head long enough to replace her with the law firm Franky I was expected to be. I knew Gidge expected that, she helped me with that but she also covered my tracks and everything was hazy and staggered.
She spent her days slugging through Wentworth looking for me in other inmates... currently in Stella who's name haunted me so much but I knew there was no way it was my Stella..Right?
Bridget had nearly ruined her career over me, I knew she wasn't stupid enough to mess it up for another inmate... especially if Stella was who I thought she might be... But Bridget was on her own path of self-destruction and her drinking was at a point that made me wonder if I was sleeping with a different woman than i came home with five months ago so I tested her, prodded her to see if I could make her bite. Analyze me, lecture me, fall back to herself and when she didn't I started to get my own style of destructive and it felt horrifyingly right to be back to the parts of myself I'd shrugged under the rug.
I taunted the adorable little blonde at work. She had rosy cheeks and had to be at least ten years older than me but she was as baby faced as they come and so tiny I swear I could have bench pressed her. But it was the smile, that smile that told me she was far more into me than i needed to drag Gidge along... But I played with her heart anyways and told Bridget the stories to appease her voyeurism when I made it home each night until shew rode me raw... But we weren't happy and I was spiraling further from the path she'd tried to right me many damn times.
"Hey Franky..." She whispered from on top of me feather light against my ear and on top for once..."Yeh Gidge whad'ya need Bub" She looked so sweet and content tonight and the look of her was so comforting it almost made me forget how fraught things had been between us... until she royally fucked up the moment. "The girl at work that you toy with , for-for our benefit." I scrunched my brows hard together at her tone, she was making me uncomfortable and I almost covered my ears because I knew she'd only be able to follow that statement with something I wasn't going to like. "mmm" was all I could manage as a response.. "She looks like Erica doesn't she?"...I threw her off of me. I'd never wanted to hit her so bad. "Fuck of Bridget!" I was drooling on myself i was so mad. "How fucking dare you!"
"Franky i'm sorry, I just kinda figured she must remind you of her cuz..." "Hhhhm Nuh! Bridget you know fuckin betta than to say shit like that!" I was so angry I could barely get words out through my need to scream aimlessly. "fff fucking hell what is wrong with you!? Hey? hitting the wine harder this week ya fucking alco!?"
"Franky! That's not fair I was just asking because I feel like maybe you're trying to fill-" I could feel the urge to smash something well up in me. "No-No fucking stop! Stop analyzing me Fuck! Bridget do you know how the hell to see me!? me-Not a fucking pet-project! or is that all I am to you?! Ya she fucking looks like Erica does that make ya happy!?"
I paced the end of the bed wiping the spit from my mouth as I tried to speak through my fluttering lips. I wrung my fingers through my hair searching for my rat tail wishing it was still there to fiddle with. A huge clump of hair came with it and I knew I needed something desperately to do with my hands and I knew as I looked at Gidge on the bed nearly in tears but trying to keep her composure if I didn't get away from her soon i might literally break her fucking jaw... I'd never felt that way toward her... Ever.
And then she stood up, dared walk toward me and put her hands on my face. I could feel my blood boil looking at her try to be my mother... I shook my head violently trying to stop the image of my birth mom flooding my mind... I watched her try to yank Stella away from social services while I stood there barely cared about and right now when I looked at Bridget all I could see was mum and what's worse I was pretty sure now that she was counselling my sister...
"Franky please! I want to help you but more than that I want to love you! don't you see that?" I put my hands up to shh her but she just kept talking so I made her stop. As forcefully as I could muster I pushed her hard against the bed with my hand cupped over her mouth. "Shut up-fucking shut up!" She went still and quiet quickly and I could see how truly scared she was. She looked at me like I was a monster and I instantly regretted it and let go. I rolled over into the fetal position and sobbed. I'd murdered two people but never felt so out of control as I did in that moment ...
The worst part was she still loved me, still trusted me. I felt her spoon me and start rubbing my back... This woman that had taught me how to trust, heard how I murdered Meg and knew that in some way I'd killed my mother... Held me through the sweat filled nightmares I faced and loved me... and I'd dared put my hands on her in haste. I felt like I could spew.
"Franky I'm okay Puss, you didn't hurt me. You got out of control but you stopped-that's a big step baby !" I couldn't believe her, how well she responded to crisis like this. Its no wonder she drinks I thought... and within five minutes I wanted nothing but to show her how much she meant to me. From bitter, cold anger to more love than I knew how to give. This was so fucking complicated. I wanted to curl up with a book in my cell and I hated that feeling. I'd worked so hard for this-we'd worked so hard for this and I had the nerve to dare and fuck with my freedom and hers. I couldn't stop my sobbing, my chin quivered so hard I could hear my teeth clank together and I couldn't even be bothered to try and stop it. I let her hold me terrified to bring her down as low as I was in that moment.
I rolled over and faced her, laid my face on her chest and just listened hard to the thumping of her heart and missed Liz, the only other woman to care even close to this much... and I'd nearly hurt her too... I refused to let that happen to Gidge I loved her so much but I was starting to think I needed to get as far away from her as possible, I had no idea how else I could protect her from everything we were hiding and everything still to come.
We held each other close for over an hour without saying a word and I battled my urge to pee just to stay still a moment longer but eventually I got up and went to the bathroom. Weirdly, she followed me, hung in the door way like she was afraid if she left me alone too long I'd snap... And I guess I couldn't blame her for that.
We both had to work in the morning, but none of that mattered right now. I dragged her by the hand to the kitchen table not even bothering to wash my hands... She sat and drummed her fingers lightly on the green table top as I poured us each a glass of white wine. I sat across from her soaking in the shock on her face. "I need it tonight too." I said softly. "I'm sorry... There are far worse vices you could have Gidge an I know that... I shouldn't fucking judge heh..." I lost the plot to my tears again and she nodded smiling. "Thank you, but you're roght Puss, it does need to stop being my crutch."
We held each others gaze and just sipped wine quietly for awhile and then she spoke. I studied her face, she looked tired and far more blue eyed than I remembered her. Her brown roots were showing and she had bags to match the crows feet by her eyes but she was stunning and in that moment I could see none of the pushy psychiatric crap she tried on me... I could only see her and that was far more grounding than I expected.
"I think that Stella might have some sort of connection to you... That's the only reason I have been paying her so much attention at work." I just lifted my brows at her questioningly and waited for her to continue. I knew she was waiting for me to tell her myself I had a sister (two to be honest but one I had yet to even meet... and that wasn't important just yet) but I just waited, I wanted to see how much she already knew.
She studied my face, I could see her picking apart my motions, searching me to see whether or not I knew where she was going with her query but I clamped down on my lips with my teeth forcing them to keep my secrets inside.
"Your sister yes?" She probed dangerously to see if I'd bite. After everything we'd been through tonight I submitted, she deserved a bit of peace tonight. "My twin." I said slowly and even saying it stung my lips slightly. I ached to see her, have a sense of togetherness with someone who knew a fraction of what I'd been through but even she couldn't hold a candle to it... She'd gotten out, been adopted and yet she'd still fucked it up it seemed, wound up right where I'd been and that thought sickened me.
My face must have hardened because Bridget scrunched her brows together in unison with me. Realizing it I let go of the tension building in my face and sat restful and patient so she could continue. "Why didn't you tell me?! Fuck Franky she's like seeing a damn ghost in those halls when I know you're safe at work or at home." She gave me goose bumps. Did Stella really grow up to still look that much like me? Why the hell was she there? I knew I needed to see her. "You need to get in and see her Franky. " I nodded at Gidge once again prying into my psyche so timidly. "We have to be fuckin careful Bridget." I hissed. "I know..." she barely whispered. "We always do..."
