Chapter Twenty Nine:

"It hurt like hell for me."

"It was my fault," she reminded him.

"This is not about blame, Sara. There is no blame. It was an accident."

"Then what is it? Do you want me to hurt?"

"I want you to feel something…to accept what happened…to grieve…with me."

She looked at him. "I didn't think about how you felt…I'm sorry….Grissom…I'm sorry."

"No, you didn't. You crawled inside yourself and shut me out. You said we were family. You moved in here letting me think we were family and then you shut me out."

"I uhm…"

"I sat and watched you withdraw from me, from the others and then the world."

"I uhm…"

"You wouldn't talk with me. You still don't talk…are you happy? If I don't make you happy Sara…"

"That's not it."

"Then what is it? I can't take back the things I did in the past but I'm here now." He stepped forward, "I'm here."

"I've always fixed myself."

"Then I guess you're telling me you don't need me."

"No, that's not it."

She stared at him. She saw the pain.

I trusted him…

I shouldn't have trusted him…

"I never had to rely on anyone. I don't know how to share my…it's my own hell…" she was surprised when she looked around and found they had somehow left the kitchen and was now in the living room and she had not even noticed. She looked around as she saw him standing there leaning against the wall with arms folded. She didn't recall retreating. The conversation angered her. He was being Grissom, the supervisor.

"You don't share…when did you ever let me in? When did you ever open yourself for me to see your pain…" she shot back.

"Fine. You want to see my pain? This whole week has been pain. It's been hell watching you go through what you have and being shut out by you. You beg me to let you stay and I'm begging myself to have the strength to stand up and give you the help you need."

"Stop," she said. She turned and found herself in his office and she suddenly felt trapped because there was only one entrance and he was now standing there with arms folded.

"Let's share, Sara. Tell me what could possibly be worse than what I just went through with you. Let's compare pain."

"Grissom, please…stop."

I trusted him…

"My father divorced my mother when she was going deaf leaving me behind because he was afraid I would turn deaf as well. Perfection was something he valued. I wasn't perfect. I was different; I didn't act like other kids. I didn't have the same likes as other kids and then mother went deaf and that made me even more different. My mother didn't kill my father but I cried every night wishing he were dead….and then he died…I felt guilty as hell because I thought I had caused his death."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"I have pain, Sara. Talk to me."

"I always thought that when and if I ever got pregnant I would know. I mean I know my body. I know my quirks…my periods were never normal but I could still rely on some predictability…after we made love I felt different…I felt complete…I felt loved…that feeling remained with me despite the hell we put each other through…the feeling remained... I had this little voice inside my head that whispered I might be pregnant and I scoffed at it. It wasn't possible…then I was sick…the unexplained nausea…I thought it was nerves…I had been pushing myself hard at work…I climbed up on top of the car and my little voice told me not to but I did. When…they told me in the hospital that I had suffered a miscarriage I already knew. I didn't feel complete anymore…the feeling was gone and I thought I did this to myself…the best thing that ever happened to me and I did this."

His arms were no longer folded now. He was no longer standing at the entrance but he was sitting in the chair and she was curled in his lap. She did not remember when it happened only that they were there together and they were sharing in the pain. His arms were wrapped around her firmly as she hugged her body tight to him as if wanting to crawl inside him for protection.

"Thank you Sara, I need this. I need to feel connected to you. There's nothing you couldn't tell me, you know that, right?"

"I'm sorry I put you through this. I haven't been myself. I let too much build until I couldn't process the feelings anymore…I'm not going to let that happen again, Grissom…I promise. My sessions with Dr. Randle were getting difficult and I thought I could get through it by diving into work…work helps me cope…but then the accident happened…and then the miscarriage and I felt so guilty…I still do."

"Let it go, Sara" he whispered as he kissed her lovingly on the forehead.

"Grissom?"

"Yeah?"

"the hospital…I'm glad you didn't send me…I don't think I would have been able to…"

"I'm glad you got better."

"I don't like…"

"restraints?"

"yes."

"Most people don't like being confined…."

"It reminds me of the rape."

"I'm sorry," he gulped, "I uhm…"

He was silent for a moment before speaking, "Did he restrain you during the…"

"I had been working a scene by myself. I just finished up and was packing up my kit. I put the kit in my car and was about to leave when I was pushed against the car. I was startled at first feeling the air knocked out of my lungs. Before I could react, I felt the jab. I saw the needle and felt myself sliding to the ground as he picked me up."

"I remember waking and finding myself in some hotel room. My head was groggy but I wasn't hurt. I tried to get up and that's when I found myself restrained. I panicked. I had never been confined before and I remember breaking my wrist from twisting my hands, trying to get free. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't fight back. I had to ….I saw him…I remembered every detail praying I would live long enough to give an ID. It was then I realized he fit the description of the rapist we'd been trying to catch. We…didn't make the connection that he was burglarizing houses and then raping the victims later. I just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time."

"I expected him to kill me. I expected to die. When he left, I worked and worked until I was able to get free. I knew that if I didn't get away before he returned, I would be dead. I made my way back to my car. I sat there and glanced at the clock and told myself I would be late for work…my shift started in just a few hours. I sat there Grissom and I couldn't bring myself to call the police. As soon as I did, I would become a victim. I didn't want to be a victim."

"You didn't report it?"

"The police scanner was going off in my car. I sat there and heard a burglar had been cornered in a home and there had been gunfire. He had been shot and paramedics were on the way to the scene. I found myself driving there saying it would not be him. I pulled up and I stood there as they carried him out with the sheet over his head. I pulled the sheet back and smiled. It was him. The whole time he was…I wanted him dead and then there he was lying there dead eyes staring back at me and I'm smiling."

He heard her crying softly as she now paced the floor having left the comfort of his arms the moment she began to speak about the abduction.

"It was so surreal. Donnie arrives on the scene and starts kidding me about my scanner. He tells me I can help out with the crime scene but it's just a burglary gone bad. I then start laughing. I can't stop. They think it's just a burglary and he's a serial rapist and killer and he's being labeled a poor stupid burglar. I keep laughing until I find myself sitting on the steps to the home and I'm sobbing. Donnie is going nuts trying to figure out what's wrong and then he sees my wrist and then the bruising on my arms and he is then yelling for the paramedics to return."

She stops and stares into space.

"I went to counseling a couple of times but I dropped out. I promised I would start back once I got settled in Vegas. I really was going to but then when I came here, no one knew and I thought I could…"

"Work through it while pulling doubles and triples?"

"Yes."

"I can see why your counseling has been so hard for you."

"I never told Dr. Randle about the rape…I feel safe with you."

He smiled. "You are safe."

She smiled through the tears and found herself back in his arms but now they were in bed and she curled her body up next to his. She was asleep immediately letting the exhaustion overtake her.

I think you're ready to go back to work…

I think I can let Catherine take over supervision now…

I think you're better…

You feel safe….

He sighed. He slept as he held her close. He was up before her sitting in the office with a cup of coffee. He heard her footsteps in the living room and waited for her to come into the office but instead he heard the door to the guestroom open.

One last thing to do….

"Sara?"

"Yeah?"

"Greg offered to get you another kitten."

"It wouldn't be the same. You gave me Gizmo…you can't replace something you love with another."

"I'm glad to hear that."

She smiled. He smiled with her.

"I thought we could get a dog," he said.

"A dog? I never had a dog," said Sara.

Grissom smiled. "Me neither."

"Grissom, when can I see the file on my apartment?"

"Whenever you want…ready to go through your things in the guest room?"

"I didn't want to see how much was gone…I didn't have much to begin with…I only began to collect keepsakes when I worked in San Francisco."

"I can help you …go through it."

She nodded.

"The guys have been asking about you."

"I'm…not sure I'm ready to go back to work."

He sighed then grinned.

"Let them know you're okay, especially Greg."

"Grissom?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you ever want children?"

"I never thought about it until now."

"Did you mean it when you…"

"Yes, I did."

"Oh."

"Did you mean it when you said you didn't want to try to have another child?"

"No…I didn't mean it."

He squeezed her hand and then kissed the palm.

"When you're ready."

"Grissom?"

"Yeah"

"I love you."

He felt the lump in his throat.

"I love you too."

They spent the morning going through the boxes in the guest room. Sara pulled out the books and stacked them in a pile, feverishly hunting for a particular one.

"It's not here," she said sadly.

"What's not here?"

"The book you gave me for Christmas one year…remember?"

He smiled. "I'm not very romantic, am I?"

"I'm not complaining…now anyway."

He rummaged through some more boxes and then smiled pulling out the book. "The guys must have packed some of this stuff…Catherine packs orderly while the guys…they just pack."

She held the book in her hand flipping through the pages. She pulled out a Polaroid picture tucked between the pages and she stared at it.

"What's that?"

"Gizmo."

"I didn't know you had a Polaroid camera…"

"I don't."

He reached for it but she held the ends of it. He saw the look on her face.

"I'll get a bag." He returned and she dropped the photo inside.

"Grissom…someone killed Gizmo…then put that picture of his body…inside this book. You gave me both."

Their eyes met.

They slowly went through the rest of the things, sifting through all of it carefully finding only the one photo.

Grissom looked at the photo.

I think Lurie is becoming unhinged.

"I'll give this to the lab and let them check for prints."

"I can do that."

"Sara, you can't…"

"I'm sorry. You're right."

"Grissom?"

"yeah?"

"Do you think Vincent had anything to do with this?"

He glanced at her but remained silent.

"Me too," she said softly.

She doesn't trust him anymore…

As they searched through the boxes, Grissom noticed a copy of a case file that was stuck inside a binder. He pulled it out and stared at it. She saw his face and pulled it away from him.

"That's mine…the police report…when I was raped."

He looked at her.

"I'm sorry. I uhm…would you let me see it?" he asked.

She looked at him and slowly handed it back to him. He left the room taking it to his office and then shut the door. He sat down at his desk and breathed in deeply. As he read through the file, he heard her voice recounting the details. It had sickened him to listen to the details and now as he sat there with the report in his hand, he wondered how she had been able to endure the pain and manage to work in such a profession that she faced the same horrors every day. As he stared at the report, he made the following observations.

Abducted from behind…

Still sensitive to these kinds of cases…

She's strong….

She would have wanted to fight…

Explains why she doesn't like restraints….

Or shots….

It was a different kind of dream, returning each night since she had begun sleeping again. She felt the restraints but looked to find none on her wrists. She rubbed her wrists as she feverishly told herself to wake up and leave the nightmare behind but there was no waking. She felt the sting of the needle as the sense of loss washed over her causing her to burrow herself into a ball wishing the dream would end so she could once more feel his arms about her but she felt nothing but emptiness. She cried out his name until she was sure she was hoarse.

It was the kiss of her palm and the tenderness in his voice in her ear that made her grab for him clinging to him until she heard only his voice inside her head. It would end the same way as he held her while she silently cried in her sleep until he gently woke her. He did not push her about the dreams letting her cling to him until she slept again. The same broken pleas followed by the same outburst convinced him that Sara still held something within that she could or would not face and he was convinced it occurred at the hospital.