The Marauders Discover Fanfiction
Chapter Twenty-Nine: Black Lilies
First Uploaded: May 2nd, 2015
Re-done: January 1st, 2016
Disclaimer: Nope, Harry Potter or anything else connected to him or his world do not belong to me. Unfortunately.
Warning: Following chapter contains Sirius' creative swearwords (you'll see), discussions about sex (nothing too serious) and semi-intense fanfiction!snogging (nothing to worry about). Enjoy!
"This story had better be good." Sirius grumbled. "Or at least better than that godforsaken nightmare we were just forced to read."
"I'll read this one," Remus offered, moving into a more comfortable position in front of the device. "It's called 'Black Lilies'."
"Goodness, that sounds dark." Lily said.
"It reminds me of the last story, Fifty Shades of Black." Sirius said, shuddering.
"Why?" Peter asked.
"They've both got the word 'Black' in their title." Sirius said as though it were obvious.
"I think the last story traumatised him." James said in a loud whisper to Remus. "He's still in shock."
Sirius suddenly looked around the classroom in panic. "And it's the four of us," he pointed to himself and the other marauders, "And the two girls in an unused classroom. Exactly like in the story! Oh Merlin's dirty pants, this is terrible!"
"Sirius, calm down." Lily said, trying to hide her amusement. "You're taking these stories too seriously."
"Easy for you to say." Sirius muttered. "You weren't even in the bloody story."
"I'll start reading, shall I?" Remus suggested. Upon the nods of the others, he took a deep breath and began the story.
Black is the colour of her hair. The colour of her life.
"It's very dramatic," Livia said, amused.
Her name is Lily Evans.
"Hang on a second, my hair isn't black!" Lily said, twirling a strand of her fiery red hair. "That's just plain wrong."
"It's called creative license, Evans." Sirius said.
Lily snorted. "You're such a hypocrite. You were making such a big deal about the fact that you have silver eyes, but at least that could be a misinterpretation, seeing as you have grey eyes. My hair, however, is not black, not in any light! And my life isn't black, either." She added as an afterthought.
She is quiet, barely says a word.
Lily scoffed. "Puh-lease. I say tons."
In class, the professors overlook her,
"Alright, I'm pretty sure this story isn't about me."
she has no friends.
"Excuse me?!"
Nobody even knows she exists.
"I have to agree with Lily." Remus said. "This really doesn't sound like her at all."
She dyes her hair black
"See! The story is realistic; you dye your hair. It's still red naturally." Sirius pointed out.
"Padfoot." James said. "If you think this story is realistic, you've taken a couple of bludgers too many to the head."
"I didn't mean realistic realistic, I just meant that the author knew her stuff-"
"She just chose to ignore it all." Livia interrupted.
to fit the mood of her soul.
"Yuck. Talk about badly-written angst." Remus said, shaking his head.
Her dark grey eyes
"And," Lily said, pointing at her eyes, "I don't have grey eyes!"
"I'm beginning to understand how you feel," Sirius said. "And I can sympathise."
are lined with layers of black eyeliner,
"So, apparently Lily's some kind of a gothic, loner, bad student that pities herself terribly." Peter said.
"I can't tell you how weird it is for me to listen to myself being described like this." Lily said. "I don't like this one."
her lips a dark purple. She's a
"Uh, I think I'll skip this bit," Remus said worriedly.
"Don't be such a wuss." Sirius said. "Just read it. No matter what it is, we've probably heard worse."
mudblood.
Lily frowned and opened her mouth, only to snap it shut. "Excuse me?"
"I'm 'fraid so," Remus said sheepishly.
"Did I just call myself that?" She asked, outraged. "I can't call myself that! I – I. Never mind. Just continue reading."
Nobody cares about her.
"Boo-hoo. Grow a backbone, fanfiction!me, and stop whining." Lily said, beginning to get annoyed by her fanfiction!self.
Her mother hates her because she's her father's illegitimate child.
"Whoops, it's a Mary Sue." Livia said.
"I'm not sure about that," Remus said slowly. "I'm starting to think that it's a… semi-Sue. She hasn't been described as flawless yet, and so far everybody ignores her, so she's not the centre of attention. I think we've just encountered a new type of Sue, the wangsty!Sue."
"What's that?" Peter asked.
"Well, I just made up the name, but this is a rather stereotypical character type. It's the rejected, lonely and misunderstood character that spends most of the story whining about her tragic life. That's why it's 'wangst', it's whining and angsting in one."
"Makes sense," James said, nodding. "But why's it a Sue?"
"You'll see, I bet someone will be the one to understand her, and they'll fall in love. It's practically inevitable."
Lily wrinkled her nose. "I really hope you're wrong."
Her father hates her because of the guilt he feels towards her mother.
"So, basically, everybody hates her." Peter said.
"Yeah, except for the one love-interest that will probably make an appearance soon." Said Remus.
Her sister, Petunia, used to care, but even she shut her out.
Lily shifted nervously. This sentence was uncomfortably close to the truth.
She's invisible. The invisible Lily Evans.
"Great, now I'm just imagining her as some sort of a super-hero." Livia said.
"I think it'd be more like a permanent disillusionment charm." Sirius said.
"Miss Evans?" Slughorn calls her to the front of the classroom.
"I swear to Merlin, if Slughorn is the love interest, I'm going to throw something." Lily said.
She shys away from the looks the class give her.
"Yes, Professor?" She asks quietly. She's invisible.
"Now it really does sound like a disillusionment charm." Sirius laughed.
"Your essay?" The professor looks at her expectantly. She gulps.
"I – I didn't do it." She mutters.
"Alright, and Fanfiction!me is wondering why she's not doing well in school."
She had spent the afternoon crying in her bed because the Slytherins put her down for her birth again.
Lily shook her head, frustrated. "No, no, no. Listen, Fanfiction!me, if someone puts you down for your birth, you don't cry about it. You ignore them, and strive to show that you're better than them in every way!" She didn't see the curious gazes that she was receiving from everybody, suddenly, to the others, a lot about Lily was making sense.
It's odd,Sirius thought, that between reading these stories and laughing, shouting and ranting, we're really getting to know each other better. He thought back to when Remus had told the girls about his furry little problem, and when they had revealed that they were animagi. However, it wasn't just the big things like that – he was also getting to know the girls a lot better than before. He was even learning new things about the other marauders – and they were as close as could be.
Yes,he thought, satisfied. I'm very glad I found this strange device.
The professor tsks and makes a cross in his book. "Third time this week, Miss Evans."
"Is it odd that I'm feeling the strange urge to punch my fanfiction!self?" Lily asked.
"Nope," Sirius said cheerfully, "I'm quite familiar with that feeling. What with the many stories about me being a seducing creep, a walking shag mobile or a seventeen-year-old that behaves like I've drank four cans of soda and I'm on a permanent sugar high, I often wish I could give fanfiction!me a good kick in the place where it hurts most."
She wants to scream at him, but instead she just nods.
"See, now they're introducing how 'helpless' she is." Remus said.
"What do you mean?" Asked Livia.
"Look at her inner turmoil," Remus said in a mock-dramatic voice. "And how she can't do anything about it." He finished normally.
Invisible Lily Evans.
"Why do they keep just shoving that in there?" Peter asked. "It's annoying."
"To build suspense, or tension, or dramatic energy or whatever." Remus said, rolling his eyes. "Needless to say, it's not really working."
"Oi, Evans! Fall into a dumpster?" Sirius Black yells at her.
"Huh? Why would I say that?" Sirius asked. "Don't worry, Lily, I would never insult you – and definitely not with such a first-year insult."
"Thanks, I guess," Lily said, a little miffed. "But I know that. The question is, why did the author make you do that?"
"Because everybody is against you, you don't have anybody in your life, before the love interest comes along. They should be making an appearance soon."
"I hope it's me." James said, giving Lily a wink. Everybody laughed, there being nothing out of the ordinary with James' comment, only Lily knew the true significance of it. She blushed and tried to calm the flurry of butterflies in her stomach.
She blinks back tears and rushes out of the classroom.
"Oh, come on, Fanfiction!Lily, grow a backbone." Livia sighed.
"Miss Evans! Class has just started!" The professor shouts after her. She ignores him.
"Does this author really think that Lily is anything like this?" Peter asked.
"Probably not. They just wanted to write an angsty story, and they decided that Lily was a character that they could warp. Anyway, we already talked about the fact that she is a Mary Sue, albeit a different breed, and therefore, as is usually the case in Mary Sue-featuring stories, everybody (including the character themselves) is completely different than in reality." Remus finished.
He doesn't care about her. She's just invisible, anyway.
"Stop repeating that!" Peter said, annoyed.
She crashes into James Potter, who is late for class, as usual.
"I'd take offence to that if it wasn't mostly true." James said.
"Lily," he breaths,
"Ah, here's the long-awaited love interest." Remus said.
"How do you know?" Sirius asked.
"First of all, he called her by her first name. Second of all, he said it 'breathily'. A very important detail." Remus said dryly. "Just trust me. He's the love interest."
holding her in order to keep her from falling.
"What a gentleman, Prongs," said Peter.
"What – what did you just call me?" She asks quietly, his eyes boring into hers.
"Uh, your name?" Livia snorted.
"Lily," he repeats, his gaze not wavering. He's seen her.
"Why is the author so insistent on this stupid invisibility metaphor thing? I'm really sick of it." Peter complained. "I get that it's supposed to be dramatic and poetic, but it's really just not working."
As his lips capture hers,
James blinked. "Well, that certainly moved fast."
"I told you he was going to be the love interest." Remus said, somewhat smugly.
she's in heaven.
"C'mon, fanfiction!me, just because he said your name once doesn't mean that he's your prince in shining armour!" Lily sighed.
She's not invisible after all.
"Stop it with the invisibility!" Peter ran a frustrated hand through his hair. "Enough is enough!"
He presses her against the stone wall, her lips moving frantically against his.
Lily swallowed nervously, and James ran a hand through his hair uncomfortably.
She wraps her legs around his waist, he moves against her, causing wonderful friction between them.
Lily shifted in her seat, glancing at the others who seemed oblivious to her discomfort. James scratched the back of his neck, trying not to look at Lily.
He slides his tongue into her mouth as the kiss becomes more heated, more passionate.
Lily couldn't help but feel her gaze pull towards James, who glanced at her at the exact same moment. They both looked away hastily, red in the face.
The others, meanwhile, listened to Remus read the story, laughing at how Fanfiction!Lily was so unlike real!Lily, because real!Lily would never, ever consider kissing James. Lily gulped.
She sighs happily as he begins to undress her.
Lily stood up noisily, causing all the others to look at her. "Uh," she stammered. "I realised that I forgot my… um…" she looked around frantically, her gaze latching onto the Charms book poking out of Livia's book bag, "Charms homework." She said, standing up straighter. "I need to go and do that. And, uh, James – I mean Potter, or, uh, James Potter, needs to help me with that. Yes, and I mean now. Right now." She looked at James nervously, who jumped out of his seat immediately.
"Uh, yeah, I'll go do that." He said, clearing his thought and running a hand through his hair. "Um. This story is rubbish anyway. Just read without us. I'm going now. With Lily – I mean, Evans. Uh, bye."
The two dashed out of the classroom, leaving four very confused faces behind.
"Now, what in the name of Merlin's grandma's granny-panties crotch hole was that all about?" Sirius asked.
"What did you just say?" Livia snorted. Being a girl (and as such being blessed with the intuition that only girls possessed), she had a slight hunch of what was going on, but she was going to wait until Lily was ready to tell her before she poked her friend for details.
"It's a special swear word reserved for special occasions. And anyway, if those two little buggers didn't just run off to snog in the nearest broom closet, then I'll eat my hat."
"You don't even wear a hat," Remus pointed out. He, too, had an idea of what was happening.
"What do you mean, Lily and James are snogging?" Peter asked.
"Don't worry, about it, Wormy, we'll tell you when you're older." Sirius said in a mock-condescending manner.
"Oh, shove it up your-"
"Ahem," Livia interrupted. "Are we going to continue the story?"
"Fine." Peter grumbled. "But when it's finished, you lot have to explain what I'm missing out on."
Sirius scanned over the page. "They skipped the sex scene?" Sirius asked. "How cheap."
"Maybe this is meant for younger readers," Remus said mildly.
"Then they wouldn't have written such an intense snogging scene that little Prongsie and ickle Lily felt the need to go out to relieve some of the pent up tension." Said Sirius.
"Urgh, Black, can you-" Livia stopped suddenly, frozen. The others stared at her.
"Livia?" Peter asked carefully.
"Do you lot realise the implications of this?" Livia asked suddenly.
"Uh…?" Sirius looked at her blankly.
"Lily and James just ran out to – most likely, and I strongly hope – snog. This implies that they fancy each other, and are considering dating. This implies that Lily finally realised her feelings for James, and that the two of them are BLOODY SNOGGING AT THIS VERY MOMENT!" She finished triumphantly.
"She's right!" Sirius exclaimed after a moment. "She's bloody right! Merlin, you know what that means? They read our story and realised their feelings for each other, and that means our plan totally worked!"
"It did!" Peter said excitedly, catching on to the happenings. "Great Godric, now they can date and Prongs can stop lamenting his failings when it comes to Evans! This is brilliant!"
For a couple of minutes, the group continued discussing this latest turn of events happily.
"I suppose we should read on?" Remus asked, still grinning broadly.
"Bring it!" Sirius said, leaning back in his chair. "I feel like I could handle even the worst Mary Sue at the moment."
Black is the color of her life.
"Whoops, and we're back to angsting." Livia said.
Tears fall.
"Heavy angsting." Sirius said, nodding in agreement. "Why would she be upset, though? She was just 'seen' by a guy, with whom she made passionate love in a smelly broom closet, or at least I hope they had the decency to find a broom closet, since they were snogging in a corridor. Blimey, do you think they just shagged in the corridor next to the potions classroom? Imagine if old Sluggy would walk out and see them."
"I – uh, I really don't know, Sirius." Remus said.
He says it was a 'mistake'.
"Psh. Like Prongs would ever say that." Sirius scoffed.
"It's for the sake of drama in the story," Livia said. "And so that she can angst some more."
She can't look at him.
She's invisible.
"NO! JUST STOP THE INVISIBILITY COMPARISONS!" Peter yelled suddenly, causing the others to start.
He's always the center of attention.
"That is to say, he and his fellow wonderful marauders," Sirius said.
She's failing her classes.
"I wonder if this author knew anything about Lily at all." Remus said. "This sounds absolutely nothing like her."
He always is top of the grade.
"Ahem, no he's not." Sirius said. "I mean, both he and I get really good marks,"
"Especially considering you two do no work whatsoever and rely purely on talent to get through your classes," Remus muttered.
"Exactly, but, as I was saying, we're not top of the year. Lily, Remus, Alya and Alma, those two twins in Ravenclaw, and Jeffery Macmillan are."
She's a social outclass.
"She's not!" Livia exclaimed. "She has tons of friends!"
He's the most popular boy in school.
"Cough-except-for-Sirius-cough,"
"Do you need any help with that nasty cough?" Livia asked sweetly, pounding Sirius on the back.
"No, I'm fine," Sirius wheezed, moving away from Livia.
She wants to die.
"So now she's suicidal," Peter deadpanned.
He's full of life.
"Urgh, these comparisons are getting really boring." Remus said.
She loves him. He couldn't care less about her.
"This story is wrong in just about everything that it could be wrong in. Perhaps the author wanted to experiment by creating a world completely opposite to reality." Peter said.
"Lily?" Her ditzy roommate, Marla, says carefully. "I brought you some coffee and toast."
"So she does have friends," Livia said. "Why was she angsting about it, then?"
She hasn't gone to breakfast for the past week.
"What? She's mad." Sirius said, shaking his head.
She can't cope with seeing him, seeing him so careless; not when she's breaking inside.
"Can I please be alone?" She says without looking up.
"Fanfiction!Lily needs to stop being so anti-social if she wants to have friends." Livia said. "Oh, and she needs to stop pushing away the people that do care about her."
"O-okay." Marla says, leaving. "If you need anything…?"
Marla's a stupid know-nothing.
"What? Then there is a reason that Fanfiction!Lily doesn't have any friends." Livia said, rolling her eyes. "If she's going to be so mean, and so picky when it comes to who she permits to be around her, then she can't expect everyone to love her. Also, she has to stop angsting about not having any friends if she pushes them away herself."
"No, Marla. Please leave."
Lily slept with Marla's boyfriend last year,
"What? That is so nothing like Lily, I'm pretty sure that this story has nothing to do with her. They just borrowed her name and inserted it." Remus said.
causing her to scream at Lily in front of the whole school. She can't forgive Marla,
"Excuse me? Marla managed to forgive Lily – I mean, Fanfiction!Lily – for sleeping with her boyfriend, and is making an effort to be friendly, and Lily – I meant Fanfiction!Lily, damn it – can't forgive Marla for rightfully yelling at her after she did something terrible? No wonder she doesn't have any friends." Livia said, shaking her head.
not when her life is in shambles.
"Then instead of wangsting, she should do something, for Merlin's sake!" Sirius said, shaking his head.
She finds a letter from her father on the window sill.
Lily.
I heard you're failing all your classes. Please try harder or I'll have to talk to your teachers.
-Dad
"See, her dad obviously doesn't hate her as much as she thinks he does, because he cares enough to ask her to try harder in school. If he really hated her, he wouldn't give a shit of how well she did." Sirius said, thinking of his own family.
Lily feels the tears begin to fall again. Her father doesn't understand what it's like for her.
"And here we go again, wangst, wangst, wangst." Peter said.
Neither do any of her professors. She doesn't know what to do.
"Maybe stop wangsting and start sorting out her life?" Remus suggested dryly.
She's invisible anyway.
"NO! NO MORE INVISIBILITY COMPARISONS!" Peter bellowed. "They are terrible, stop repeating them!"
She makes a half-hearted attempt at her homework, but can't find the energy.
"I want to smack Fanfiction!Lily. She's so unlike real!Lily that it makes me want to scream." Livia said, folding her arms.
Instead, she explores the school, looking for new passageways.
"Lily," The familiar, husky voice causes her to spin around.
"Enter: James. The failed love interest that will most likely realise his true feelings for Lily in three seconds, and is nothing like real!James whatsoever." Remus said.
"James," she breathes.
"I… It wasn't a mistake. I miss you. I love you."
"What did I tell you?"
"I love you, too. I've always loved you, I will always love you."
"CHEESEY! Too cheesy! Trashy! Yuck!" Sirius yelled.
Lily whispers, tears flowing down her cheeks.
"Urgh."
This time, they make love.
"What were they doing before?" Peter asked. "I thought they had shagged before, too?"
"Yeah, but before it had been just sex, now it's emotional, spiritual love-making. Because they confessed their undying love for each other before doing the deed." Sirius said.
Black is the color her hair used to be.
"Oh?"
Now her hair is blonde.
"C'mon! At least they could have made it red." Remus said, glaring at the screen.
She's ready for a new start.
"Finally. I'd be more glad, however, that Fanfiction!Lily finally screwed her head onto her shoulders and stopped whining if it didn't take a guy for her to do so. Where is feminism in the world? What are young girls going to learn from this? That it's only possible to lead a good life if you have a guy?" Livia said angrily. "Why couldn't she make this change without Fanfiction!James?"
She's ready to no longer be invisible.
Peter groaned, burying his face in his hands. "Urgh. I hate this story."
She's ready to take on the world.
"And that's the end." Remus said.
"That one was rubbish." Sirius said. "Utter crap."
"I agree," Livia said. She suddenly jumped up.
"Um…?"
"Well, I don't know about you lot, but I'm going to see what Lily and James are up to."
The other three also quickly stood up, and the group slowly and quietly walked out of the classroom. They didn't have to look for long, just around the corner in an empty corridor, Lily and James were kissing like there was no tomorrow.
A/N: Wohoo! Thank you to everybody who reviews, you lot are the BEST! So, how about YOU (yes, I mean you), leave me a quick review? They mean so much to me.
Alright. Hope you were all satisfied with the Jily bits, and next chapter, they shall encounter… the badly written time-travel fic. Mwahaha.
Xo
~Coco
