Summary: Faith knew her mind-walk with Spike would be different than her Orpheus mind-walk with Angel. She just didn't know how right she'd be. When The New Initiative and the old Watcher's messed with Spike's mind Faith went into help—literally.
In this Chapter: some Willow & Kennedy & Wes/Fred, but mostly about Spike & Faith. There will be more Buffy, Willow & Kennedy and more Connor (and maybe Dawn?) soon.
Visited Themes:
("Orpheus," Angel Season 4, Faith, Redeemed Faith, Mind-Walks, Magic, Willow's struggle with Magic, Connor, Angel, Wes, Fred, Nikki Wood, Spike&Nikki Wood, 1970s punk Spike, Evil Spike, Crazy Spike, Redeemed Spike, "Lies My Parents Told Me" Spike's past, Season 7 Spike &Buffy)
"Bad, bad, bad…all bloody bad. No good I tell you, no good," Spike whispered to himself.
Faith could at least appreciate that crazy people told it like it was. Nothing good was happening here; it was just her fucking up as usual. Faith's mind was spinning as she paced back and fourth. They were still in Spike's mind, trapped in his worst memories. Faith didn't want to think about what she had just seen. It made no fucking sense, and the sense it did make she couldn't seem to think about without wanting to scream, or try to rip Spike's head off. But, she couldn't do that because she couldn't touch Spike and Spike couldn't see her. She was fucking useless!
They were in a new place now. The walls were grey and the room was damp and dark and familiar. Very familiar--- because it was like every hovel she and everyone had been in when they were stuck in hovels. Faith knew it didn't fucking matter where they were; this was no place where Slayer/ Girl Scout training was going to come in handy. Like when she was in Angel's head, everything kept shifting and changing. The difference was when she was in Angel's head no matter how bad It got, even when she thought she was about to die, it was always damn fun to watch Angelus squirm. This was Spike's mind and he was a vamp and he had never apologized for it. Faith got that or at least she thought she did, but after what she just saw… She expected to see Spike killing—expected to see evil, but she didn't expect what Spike's mind gave her for her viewing pleasure.
"You know what your problem is? You are best buddies with your demon and that's what leads you into shit like the last scene. Not to mention it gives a chick like me nothing to work with. Asshole!" Faith yelled at the vampire that was deaf to her, but she wouldn't look at him.
It was easy not to with him cowering in the shadows in the familiar looking dump.
"Nothing good, doesn't matter how much you scrub, there's no cleaning it. Won't wash ..."
Spike was crazy now; no he had been crazy and now she was just seeing how crazy he really was. This is what that mad scientist bitch, Walsh, really did to him. She trapped him in his mind and made him relive all his worst memories so she could have control over him on the outside. Of course, that wasn't really what Walsh wanted. The mad scientist wanted good old fashioned revenge. It turned out the mad scientist chick had a mad scientist mom. The mom was the one that put that chip in Spike's head back in the day. The mom ended up dead-- and guess what vampire her kid blamed for her death. Faith missed prison. There if somebody blamed somebody else for a death they just tried to shank them.
Faith was such an idiot to ever stay in Sunnydale. She should have just left the minute the damn place resurrected along with Spike after he burned to close the Hellmouth on it. Everyone would have been better off –especially her. She wouldn't be in Spike's head watching him be tortured by it. What the fuck was she thinking? That she could handle Sunnydale and hook-up with one of B's exes? Yeah, because that worked out so well before.
Was she thinking she could just go into Spike's mind and yell at him, fight with him and save him from being trapped in it forever? Yeah, that was it. How could she be so stupid? This wasn't Angel; this was Spike. When had anything with Spike ever been so cut and dry? Angel had nice cut edges as square as his jaw—Spike was a fucking bloody mess. If anyone should get that it was Faith. Or maybe not, maybe she was too stupid to even try to really get Spike. Every vampire was supposed to want to kill their family. It was Slaying 101. Well, she supposed Spike did kill his mother, but what Faith saw with Spike and his mom-- it just wasn't right.
"Dropped my slate. Dropped my slate wanted it clean, but it's gone…all bloody gone."
"Shut-up! God, you really never fucking do that do you! And I just gotta add you gotta be the stupidest vamp ever—turning your mom into a vamp so she can live with you forever and then being a big ass shocked cry baby when she does nothing but try to fuck you over—literally. What the fuck did you expect? The whole point of being evil is you aren't supposed to give a fuck about anyone or anything. Why the fuck do you think I turned evil? For the leather pants? I already had those. You are supposed to be free—free—and you had no excuse you had no soul. You are so fucking----"
Faith's rant stopped as Spike walked out into the light.
"Bad. It's too bright. It burns. Burns dust to dust—ashes to ashes," he said.
Faith sat dumbfounded. The first thing she noticed was the self-inflicted slashes on his chest that he was too crazy to try to hide with his open black shirt. Faith didn't need anyone to tell her what self-inflicted cuts looked like; she has spent a lot of lonely nights with sharp things in her younger years. Spike's hair was different again. It was clumpy and curling brown strands with bleached blonde ones like some kind of fucked-up basket weave. It wasn't the fruity dusty light brown do' he had when Faith watched him kill his mom and then kill her again. But that wasn't what shut her up. It was his eyes. They were blue burning embers of misery. Embers—that was a word she learned from all the poems Spike had read for his mom.
Faith heard Spike read some poems when his mind showed her the English tight-ass days. She wasn't gonna pretend for a moment she was the kind of chick that understood poems. She just knew that he meant all the things he wrote, and she could feel that he meant them. Faith could feel along Spike's poems like a blind person to get what the poem meant even if she was too stupid to really understand.
So, Faith wasn't really sure she knew what embers were. She just felt they were powerful piercing jewels that could turn you to stone, and they were what Spike's eyes were now. There was something completely off about his eyes—something insane. But, that wasn't what made her quiet. Faith could deal with insanity like no one else. It was that they were miserable insane and desperate for relief. Relief Faith couldn't give.
"It's like a spark that keeps burning and burning an eternal flame. Searing, will it go to red to blue to white? Its better If your still. The edges don't singe or get hard," he said.
Faith forced the corners of her mouth up. They felt really dry compared to her eyes.
"Spike, I know you can't hear me but I won't leave you. We're gonna figure this out, okay? I don't care if I have to stay on this bad trip with you. I don't care if it takes me spending the rest of my already borrowed days in this coma where I might as well be deaf, dumb and blind. I won't leave you like this. I gotta figure something out eventually. If were lucky it won't take longer than my year and a half coma."
Spike gave her nothing—literally. He was staring off into some fixed spot. Faith knew that trick. The one where stuff got so bad in your head you had to float out of it. She did it more times then she cared to remember on occasions she refused to remember.
"You rest now, baby. Enjoy your little trip, but I won't let you do that too much 'cause if you go too far there might not be enough of you to bring back," Faith said.
Although she had no idea how she was going to stop Spike from going all catatonic for too long when he couldn't see or hear her…or feel her. Faith sat next to him as he vegged out in the corner. She wanted to touch him. She knew it was stupid. She was just going to reach out and feel air. Maybe she could just try it. What would she have to lose? Just everything…just knowing he wasn't really there. She wasn't really there…that they didn't exist for each other any more, and that Spike was trapped in his own Hell. Faith heard the sound of high heels clicking and she pulled her inching hand away from Spike.
"God, now what?" Faith groaned, "If it's more of that crazy cow Drusilla I'm gonna go catatonic myself. I can't take her, Spike. How did she not drive you insane with just her voice alone? Let alone all that crap she says with it."
But, it wasn't Drusilla. It wasn't Drusilla at all. It was the total opposite of that crazy evil bitch. It was the picture of all that was good and sane and made sense in this world.It was B.
She was wearing a silky white flowing top and mahogany leather boots. It was her usual $200 outfit that made B look like the little pixy goddess she was, or had been. Faith could tell by the way B looked, by her too-natural-looking-to-be-natural hair and by the way her big round eyes scanned the room that this was another past flashback and B couldn't see her. One thing about B was that she always gave Faith a lot of attention with her eyes, even when she was trying not to. The other thing about B was she changed her hair so often that Faith could tell exactly when this little flashback was taking place. Due to those lame bangs, Faith knew it had to be around the time The First was in town. Of course, this is when Spike first got his soul. Faith was glad that B wasn't really here to see her be unable to figure out simple things like this.
"Hey, B. Nice to see you. I forgot how contempo casual your clothes were," Faith grinned and got up off the floor.
It wasn't like anyone was gonna know she was doing it, or how relieved she was to see B. Even if it wasn't live B, taped B probably had great nuggets to offer. B's face was still set in stone even as she unfolded her arms and bent down in front of vegged out Spike and snapped her fingers. She sighed impatiently as if the whole thing was boring to her. Leave it to B to find saving Spike from the crazies easy and boring. Hadn't she done this for Angel too? No wonder B thought she could convince Faith to stop being crazy and evil. Faith was probably the only one that didn't make it easy for her.
"I guess you're gonna do what you do best and save him? Maybe this little flashback has a point. Too bad it's the one I already know. What Faith does wrong, Buffy does right," Faith laughed.
But, she still stood over them ready to watch and learn and see just how B did it. She hadn't completely given up on the idea that she was being shown this for a reason. Maybe if she copied B here she could get Spike sane again.
"Spike, what are you doing?" B snapped with her voice as she did with her fingers.
"Nothing," Spike said as he tried to keep looking straight ahead.
Faith grinned, it had worked. B snapped him out of it.
"If I don't move, if I don't think, if I don't listen to the voices, then I won't hurt...much," Spike told B.
"I need to ask you something," B said impatiently.
"Don't," Spike said.
Faith didn't blame her for being tired of this I'm-so-tortured-I'm-crazy shit. The only way to snap someone like Spike out of it was to tell him you weren't having any of it.
"There's a girl, she's in danger, and she needs your help. Now. Time is running out. It's Friday, the day Cassie said she's going to die," B said.
"I can't. I can't hear you," Spike said miserably.
"Is there something evil in the school? Down here, maybe. Spike, please, do you know anything?" B demanded.
"Yes. There's evil. Down here. Right here. I'm a bad man. William is a baaad man. I hurt the girl," Spike rose and started punching the wall.
"Spike, stop it! What did you do?" B demanded as she grabbed one of Spike's fists in her tiny little grip.
"I hurt you, Buffy, and I will pay. I am paying because I hurt the girl," Spike said.
"Spike. No. It's not me. It's a different girl, OK?" B said.
She was fed up. Faith was very familiar with that B look.
"Her name is Cassie Newton. Please, do you know anything specific?"
Spike shook his head miserably. He knew he was letting B down again. On top of getting his soul back and going crazy. Faith failed to see how this was helping Spike. But, she was sure B had some back up plan if trying to get Spike to save a girl wasn't working. Then Faith saw that B was walking away.
"Don't?" Spike seemed to ask, "Don't leave me. Stay here, and help me be quiet."
"Aw, don't worry, baby," Faith said, "I'm sure she's coming back with the big plan that makes you all better."
B turned to Spike with another all-too-familiar look. She was disgusted. B was disgusted by Spike while he was sitting here in pain. No, Faith had to be misreading it. Maybe B could see Faith somehow and she was really looking at her.
"I think it's worse when I'm here," she said coolly and turned to walk away.
"B, no," Faith whispered as she felt like ice was sliding down her insides, "She's coming back, right?"
"Don't let him hurt the girl," Spike said to no one—to B's ghost.
Then, Spike sunk to the floor making cries like a wounded animal.
"You bitch!" Faith yelled to B's ghost.
Faith tried to run after B, but she realized being in Spike's mind she couldn't leave this place, which she now realized was the basement of the new-old Sunny D High.
"Fuck!" Faith yelled, "How can she just leave you? She has to come back, right? I mean, how else could you get better? She was all you had. Didn't she see how you had a soul? How you needed her? Instead she goes on about some girl she has to save. I mean any idiot can see when one of their own needs serious…She can't, can she? B can't see stuff like that."
Faith stopped and took a breath as her thoughts echoed back to her along with Spike's whimpers.
"We gotta save ourselves, don't we?" Faith said, "Heroes like B aren't for us."
"I can't hear you," Spike said with shut eyes as he was kneeling, "I can't hear you. I can't. So, you can stop all the prattle. It won't work."
"I know," Faith said softly, "I know you can't hear me. We'll just have to think of something else."
She reached down to touch his blonde/brown weaved together curls. She thought she may've felt them all sticky and tight, but before she was sure Spike jumped back.
"Oh, god, no!" he yelped, "There are two of you now. That's not playing fair. Ganging up!"
"You know I ain't going anywhere, foxy," a soft voice whispered, "I was always with you and I always will be. You couldn't shake me if you tried."
Now it was Faith's turn to jump back as a woman literally materialized out of nowhere. She had skin the color of dark oak with a bushy afro that reminded Faith of "Good Times" reruns. But, somehow the hair didn't make her look outdated or stupid. She was lithe and tall and she strutted around Spike like she owned him. She had a comfort in her own skin that Faith knew from experience. She was a Slayer.
"Nikki Wood," Faith said, "You're her ghost. You're haunting Spike's mind. Stop it and I'll forgive your son for dumping me when I needed him. He's a good guy—your son—and so is Spike now. So, you gotta help a fellow ex-Slayer out and move on."
"It's kinda funny but I kinda dig you," Nikki Wood said as she clearly didn't see Faith, "You know what I like about you? You try real hard. It's all a big show, ain't it? Nothing but a bunch a' flash. Ain't nobody ever gonna love you. You're nothin' but a piece of jive nasty trash I kick into the gutter. Why don't you just give up? Give in…go for that sweet release."
"You're not Nikki Wood. You're The First," Faith said, "You're wasting your time. He's stronger than you. You'll lose."
"Nobody loses and nobody wins. We just dance 'round and 'round. Round and round she goes and where she stops nobody knows. But, you—you have to stop now," Spike said.
"You tell 'em, baby," Faith said knowing neither The First nor Spike could hear her.
Faith knew sticking up for Spike was pointless. He couldn't hear her and this was an old battle Spike already won, but Faith had to entertain herself somehow.
"Let a dead man lay down," Spike smiled sadly, "Don't dance on his grave. I know what you're tryin' to do, and it won't work. I had my last waltz with you. Pick another partner."
"Right," Faith said to herself, "The First loser will just have to go pick on someone else, pose as their dead ghosts. 'Cause even when you're down and out you aren't gonna fall for it. I'll tell ya, we're all lucky that First dude didn't get to me a couple of years sooner. I'm not a Champ like you, all it takes for me is to be a little down on my luck and I reach for the first—"
"Not the bloody First!" Spike yelled and looked Faith in the eyes, "You. You stop. Go!"
"Spike!" Faith gasped, "You can see---"
Faith felt something fast and powerful lunge for her and she quickly dodged out of the way. What ever it was that was aiming to hit her hit the thing behind her with a crunch. Faith looked over and realized what had been going for her was Spike's fist. He grinned a sharp faced human grin, the human grin that still looked deliciously demonic. His hair was now as bleached as the sun. They were in another place now. Yet another place Faith knew she should know instantly, but didn't. The room had windows and the walls sped by them, rumbling quickly showing off spray painted words that were going by too fast to read. There were metal poles holding the place up and puke yellow colored hard seats embedded in the walls. They were on a subway.
"Spike!" She called to him, but he was completely focused on the thing he just hit.
The thing jumped up in a black leather and coco colored swirl and hurled itself at Spike with amazing force and speed. It slowed to grab Spike by his bleached white spiked up hair. Nikki Wood again. Her mouth was a jagged line of determination and hate as she put Spike's head through the subway window as it whizzed by Christoper Street. Spike yelled out of the window not in pain but in giddy triumph. Nikki grunted as she pulled Spike back in. Spike was thrown across the subway and into the wall. His laugh made Nikki Wood shake with rage. She was as pissed as he was delighted.
Faith recognized Nikki's look. She wanted to pulverize Spike's insides and dance on them. Spike looked like he just won front row tickets to "The Sex Pistols," and he looked fit to go in his total punk get-up. Faith knew that this probably happened in a year where you could win Pistol tickets. She just didn't get what they were doing here. Hadn't Spike heard her? Shouldn't he be popping out of his memory loop now? This didn't exactly look like a bad memory. Spike never looked so alive and undead.
"So, you wanted to come back for more," Spike laughed, "Just like a woman to never be satisfied."
But that was the thing Faith knew about being evil, it may be quite a rush, but the hang over is a bitch. Faith supposed Spike had to live this memory where he was so high, just so he could crash and feel low about it later.
Nikki only cursed Spike with her wordless grunting as she took a missed swing at him.
"Yes," Spike said, "You have such fire. I may not be the first, but I'll be the best, and I'll be the last if you stay much longer."
Spike yanked off a subway poll and twirled it at Nikki while he twirled his tongue and grinned again. All the muscles in his arms tensed and bulged as he wrestled for the poll. Nikki cursed and spat as each move she made had as much fury as the next. Faith could see Spike's body working with all its moves as he sat back grinning like it was on auto-piolit. Spike's arms were pumping with life. Faith could see veins popping out of his muscles like healthy vines. She knew vamps didn't have working hearts, but something was pumping him up...lust. The twenty-something safety pins on his skin tight black vest seemed to pump too as they shimmered with the shaking subway light.
"You look really good," Faith said, "I'm a sucker for guys in eyeliner, and I love the hair. You know if I was any other girl it might bother me that you are rolling around with my ex's mom ignoring me. You heard me before; I know you did. So, hear me now, and let's get out of here."
"But, it's all for you, baby. Givin' you a good go. I heard about the fire in you a long time ago, and I knew it was all going to come down to me and you someday," Spike whispered as he held Nikki down on the subway floor.
"Oh," Faith groaned, "I get it. We jumped to a new scene, so now you can't hear me again. Well, you'll never hear me now. You are way too rapped up with her. At least I can watch. You're leaving yourself way too open to get hit, moron."
Nikki kicked Spike off of her and his head cracked up against a subway poll along with some safety pins on his vest. Together they made a great loud PING. Spike looked angry for the first time as he looked up from the floor.
"You may be the brilliant shining star here," Spike said as he exchanged even blows with Nikki, "But, at least I realize when the game is over and it's time to get out. Time to lose faith. You know you want to give up. You know it's not bloody worth it."
"So, this was your witty banter?" Faith rolled her eyes to herself, "This is how you killed Slayers. You got them to admit they wanted to bight it. What a regular brainiac you were to be the first vampire to realize Slayers have a death wish. Why wouldn't we? Most of us were just poor working slobs that had to fight off loser vamps by the dozen every night. The learning curve for vamps is kinda slow for you to be the best and brightest. You may've thought you were the shit back in the day, but you're not showing me anything new."
"How 'bout something retro," Spike said, "And like I said I may not be the brightest bulb, but at least I realize when someone is talking to me."
Faith felt something real and hard and warm and scratchy with safety pins back her up against the half-real feeling subway wall. It was Spike grinning at her. Straight in the face. Waiting. Spike had backed her into the subway wall and he was so close and real she could see where he tried to stick a safety pin in his eyebrow scar but then realized it was a stupid idea when fighting a Slayer and took it out.
"Now here's something I know how to work with," Faith grinned back.
Faith gave Spike's body a hard shove away from her because with him smiling with his chin all sticking out that was what he wanted and it was what she wanted. She wanted to feel the stretchy spandex vest and the cool safety pins and she wanted to push hard to feel the muscle and bone under it. She wanted to feel his real-feeling body and to force it to move---to wake up.
"If you really knew when someone was talking to you, you'd have answered me a whole lot sooner," Faith said.
"What do you mean?" he demanded.
She grabbed him back from her shove by his lean muscled arms giving them an angered squeeze. They felt real and firm…alive. It was everything else around them that felt dream-like and fake. The air around them was that dream kind that wanted to float her away. Away from this grinning angry man whose head she was in. Faith grabbed him by his safety pin vest and took his chiseled face roughly in her hand.
"We're in your brain, genius. This mad scientist chick has you stuck reliving your worst memories and I'm here to get you out. None of this is real," she said.
"Right," Spike said as he grabbed her hands roughly and held them away from him, "Well, if none of this is real you won't mind just fading away so I can get back to killing my second Slayer."
"God, you are really out of it, huh? You see killing Nikki might seem like a real good idea now, but soon it's gonna haunt you. You might not believe me right now, but see when you get out of this memory you're gonna remember a lot of stuff…like that you got a soul," she said.
"You really think a bloke would forget something like that? Look, whatever you're up to it won't work. Now do you wanna watch the show with me and my second Slayer or do you have to go?" he said as he looked at her like she was the crazy one.
"God," Faith groaned as she pulled her hands out of his rough grasp, "I should have sent Willow down here. I am no good at explaining stuff to the brain damaged. It's like the blind leading the blind, or the former evil leading…Look, I guess you can't remember, but killing Nikki is gonna turn out to be a bad thing. Like when you tried to save your mom by turning her into a vamp but then she turned into some nasty-ass Freudian monster and you had to kill her anyway."
"How do you know about that?" he demanded his forehead wrinkling.
"I saw it. I had Willow---I've come into your brain with magic to get you out of this memory loop you've been stuck in. I'm in here to wake you up. Get you out. You aren't really---"
"You've been seein' all the bad in me...all the things I've done?" Spike asked.
"No, thank god. I wouldn't have time to see all the bad shit you did, and by now I'd be really bored. I mean how many pillages, plottings and killings can you see until it gets really old? I never watch past the second movie in any horror series. I learned from 'Alien'—not worth it," Faith said, "I've been seeing all your worst memories. The times you've been down and kicked for it in life. You see, there was this crazy scientist girl who's made it so you relive these memories over and---"
"So, you saw what happened with my mum," Spike said shutting his eyes for a second, "You really think she was nothing but a Freudian monster when I…"
"That's the right word 'Freudian', right? That's the sleep-with-your-mom guy, right? Not that you did that. You did the right thing. Well, not the right thing, but man…I thought my mom was mean when she was drunk—Anyway, look, I could see all your bad memories but I couldn't talk to you until now. I thought I was gonna be like some useless hologram forever but--"
"You heard my--the poetry, didn't you?" he asked his eyes suddenly looking more round with the eyeliner around them.
"I did and I didn't get all of it but—"
"Oh, balls!" he rolled his eyes and ground his jaw.
He turned away from her and she grabbed his arms roughly again. Faith had to make him listen—to make him believe her. Maybe if she was smart enough to say something about his poems he'd believe her. Instead all she wanted to do was pound him into the floor out of frustration in more ways than one.
"Look, Slayer, why don't you just stop haunting me and go?" he mumbled as he avoided her eyes by looking down at the floor.
"'Slayer,'" she repeated, "So you know me? You know who I am. I knew it. I knew if I just got through to talk to you your brain wouldn't be mush."
"Do I know you?" he said defiantly.
They locked eyes and Faith knew in that instant he did know her. He knew everything. It was all in there---somewhere. He looked into her eyes and he stopped with the stuck-out-chin face and his whole face seemed to sink into misery. Faith knew it was because of the way she had been looking at him. No! This wasn't time for her to go soft and screw up.
"Spike, I don't know how much you remember---"she said as she stiffened and tightened the grip on his arms
"Oh, I remember it all," he grinned and stuck out his tongue, "A man doesn't forget having it all no matter how much it hurts remembering he lost it. And don't ever ask me if I know you. I know you better than you know yourself."
He caressed her bare arms and then clamped onto her forearms too. She was suddenly glad she was wearing her signature red ribbed plain tank top. She couldn't remember if she was wearing it back in real life or if this was just how she saw herself. Plain, tight and simple. She hoped it was enough to get Spike out of here. It looked like it was more than enough for him in other ways as he was practically drooling over her while keeping that sly look. He pulled her into him so their faces almost touched.
"I remember the first time I ever saw you. All those nasty little things you said to me—promises. How you'd pop me--- break me, but you weren't really you, and that's so like you," he said.
"Spike, that's not me. Not anymore. Maybe that's all you remember right now but I—"Faith tried to speak as she felt like she was shrinking as Spike moved his hips forward to not quite touch hers.
"I said don't tell me about who you are and what I bloody remember!" he yelled into her face, "I remember it all. The confrontation you promised in Buffy's body. The talk about bad movies in her basement so you could rub up against me and share cigarettes. Then I remember how I was supposed to die for you. It was what was right and good and true and all that rot, but you wouldn't let me. Then I remember more promises and talk when you let me love you…Then, I remember very clearly-- you tossed me out. I know it's just like you to meet a man and promise to pop him—break him and then not take your chance... and it's even more like you to throw away a second chance destiny made for you with him, just so you could really break him. And it's just like you to come back when you're not wanted to toy with him again. When it comes right down to it your nothing but a tease, Faith."
Faith heard the sound of angry wailing and realized it was her own voice as she saw Spike and his safety pin vest fly over across the subway and hit the wall. She felt her mouth fall open as she realized she had been the one to throw him there.
"That's right," Spike laughed as he slid down the wall, "You gave that up—your Slayer power, and you gave it up for me, so I could live. Feels good to have it back, doesn't it, love? Too bad I can only give back to you in my mind."
"You know we're in your head? You know someone stuck you here and I'm trying to get you out?"
"She may be a little slow, but she does catch on eventually," Spike said as he tapped a black polished nail to his white-blonde head, "I also know, little girl, that the magic you probably bullied Red into doing to get you here is more dangerous than you could ever imagine. Every second you spend here with me is another one getting you closer to that Mr. Death who you seem to so desperately want, but we both know you're just teasing the bloke like you do the rest of us."
Faith planted a good Slayer punch right to Spike's nose. One that bobbed his head back like a punching bag and when it came up his nose was bleeding. He gave her that arrogant smile and licked the blood from his face. He knew the real her. The pissed off killer that wanted to take herself down, but he didn't know that she refused to take anyone down with her anymore.
"I may be a little slow and I may fuck a lot of things up, but if there's one thing I'm not it's a tease," she said punching him again, "You can ask all the boys. I always come through."
"Yeah, I know, I can ask bloody Angel. You were so willing to dance with death for him to get him out of his head. You want one last dance with me, Slayer? Is that it? Well, let's dance, "Spike said as he landed his own punch to her face, "Maybe if I hit you hard enough you'll wake up."
She felt the force of his fist, but it didn't feel real. There was still pain, but there was no heaviness to it. It was the pain with Slayer power, which was something she missed but not as much as what was causing her the pain.
"Hey, you know my motto," Faith hit back cleanly with a grin, "Whatever it takes."
"Right," Spike said as he grabbed her fist and turned her around to hold her arm behind her back.
"I think you'll find I have better moves than Angel being that my head's not up my ass," he hissed in her ear as he ground his hips into her ass, "I always know what the Slayer's next move is gonna be."
Faith grinned at the realness of the pain as the subway around her seemed so fake and dream like. The pain was real. Spike up against her ass was real. All the moves she made were real. They mattered. Faith felt her grin turn to teeth gnashing and skull cracking as she head-butted Spike as hard as she could. He fell back with his angry "ow."
"Didn't seem to see that one coming," Faith turned to him and laughed, "You seem to be the one that's predictable. Jealous I did Angel's mind before yours. Letting your issues get in the way of being saved. "
"Bloody jealous?" he snarled and she was a little surprised when he jumped up and hit her, "Try unimpressed with your recycled bloody stupid life risking ideas. I really have to argue with which one of us is more predictable."
He backed her into the subway corner that seemed to have too much give to be a real wall. His hits were the only thing that was real. His pissed off face. He was so angry at her. Then he caught her eyes and he seemed to give her a sad smile. Seemed to? No, it was real. He was the only real thing here. He wasn't happy here. He was just pretending because he was so pissed off at her. Spike needed her help.
"But no matter," he said as his fists turned to hands again, "Now you can see how it's really done. How a real man doesn't let a woman trifle about in his head so she can die. He chases her off the minute she arrives so she can live her own nice full life."
"I'm the one with stupid recycled ideas?" she said as she landed a good one.
His sad smile disappeared and the angry smirk was back. That's it—fight. They were exchanging even blows now.
"The deeper I get into your head the more I realize you're a one trick pony," she said as she kicked a subway poll lose and tried to hit him with it, "Tryin' to prove you hit as hard as your Pops Angelus when I can feel your soul in every hit. I'd love to see all the vamp Freudian memories you have of him. I bet they're hot."
"You wanna see me without my soul?" he grinned and grabbed on to the subway poll she held and when he did there felt like there was a current running through it.
"I knew that's what would do it for you. That's why I brought you here the minute I knew you'd come," he said.
His face was the only thing she saw now as he lay on top of her with the subway poll in both of their hands. It buzzed with electricity—like his life force.
"Spike, what—"
"I've bragged about this a thousand times but you're the only one that gets to see it how it really happened. No special effects. Enjoy the show."
Suddenly, Faith was no longer under Spike but across from him and there was someone else under him--- Nikki Wood. It took Faith a minute to recognize her. She was lithe and tall, but she was weak and wounded and afraid. She wasn't the force of anger and energy that Faith saw and felt before.
"Now, that was fun," Spike said, "Told you I was gonna ride you hard before I broke you. You put up one hell of a fight. I'll be feeling it for days."
Spike lay over Nikki as he pinned her arms down over her head. Faith could see the top of his head that looked like a teased up straw colored cotton candy wonderland. She could see the tip of his long nose and his lined black silky lashes. She still liked the look. It was his voice she didn't like. It sounded different. It still had about a million candy coated layers to it: anger, sarcasm, lust, playfulness. They were just all cold. Dead.
"Please," Nikki said as her voice was shaking, "Let me go."
A Slayer shouldn't beg! It pissed Faith off. What kind of Slayer was she? The kind that wouldn't go evil just to piss people off. Faith begged a vampire for something once too.
"You're begging for you're life?" Spike asked Nikki.
Faith begged a vampire for something once, and it wasn't life.
"Yes, I'm begging for my life. Ain't that something you could always have over me? If you left me alive," Nikki said weekly but she wasn't crying.
Faith had cried, bawled. Angel, please kill me. She didn't make a good argument as to why he should do what she was asking. Not like Nikki was.
"Well, well, well," Spike laughed, "You're a surprise a minute. Begging was the last thing I expected from you. I like the sound of it. Maybe if I hear a little more I'll consider it, love."
Spike squeezed Nikki's arms—crunched her bones so she would answer.
"I ain't your love!" Nikki spat.
Faith could actually smile. At least Nikki was fighting.
"Like hell you're not. I've been watchin' you and you've had the itch for a while," Spike's tongue came out to lick his lips, "You know you're tired of it or else you'd never go chasing a known Slayer killer into the scary dark tunnels all by your lonesome. Would you?"
"No," Faith said, "That's not true. She just thought she could take you. She didn't want to die."
Faith had gone back to being not heard, but she still had to say something. Still, Faith knew she was nothing, nobody in this fight.
"If I admit it. If I tell you I'm nothing, nobody in this fight, and that I know all you evil motha fuckers are gonna win, will you let me go?" Nikki asked.
"Only one way to find out," Spike said.
"No! Don't give him what he wants!" Faith yelled.
"I've known I was on the sucker side for years," Nikki said, "Ever since my man was killed. There was never a better man than him. All he'd been through. It would've made the devil pale, but he still managed to stay good. Fight the fight. I know if he could get killed by those mother fuckers-- all my power means nothin'. I've always known the Mission was already lost."
Faith was almost glad when Spike started to laugh. It rang in her head and made this all seem fuzzy. Fake. It drowned out the sound of her own painful breath.
"A dead boyfriend," Spike said, "How incredibly boring. Maybe if you tell me why you've kept going and lived to be the ripe old age you are I'll be interested enough to keep listening."
"You know why I keep going. You've seen him. My son. Robin, and if you touch him--"
"Yeah, you care about the boy so much you followed a creature you loathe down to your death trap. As much as I'd love to feed your brat to Drusilla I can't. It was part of the deal."
"Deal?"
"That's right, sweet heart. You're Watcher's dear old dad sold you out. He seems to want your boy much more than you. He told me how to get to you. He just gave me some pointers on your weak spots. I did all the work myself, mind you. You're not like that Slayer Dru says I can't count as a kill 'cause I had too much help from that ol' demon what's-his-name. That woman is so hard to please. Sometimes I just wanna give up. I know I don't have to explain that one to you."
"My Watcher will never let his bastard father get my son!" Nikki said.
"Well, I hope for his sake you're right. I really don't like that bloke. He'd turn your son into a snob that wouldn't know what an amazing, hot, mother he had. But, that's what you really wanted all along? Isn't it? You tell yourself he'd have a better life without you, but it's all bullocks you just want to be free." Spike said coyly.
"Please," Nikki said, "Please, let me get back to my son."
"A mother that would rather die than live to be free from her son," Spike's voice seemed to grow dark for a second but then went back to the mocking tone, "I think I'd cry, if I cared at all. Oh, who am I kidding? I do care because it's a bloody laugh riot."
"You bastard!" Faith yelled.
"William…Spike. You have to let me get back to my son. Think of the stories you can tell," Nikki said calmly.
"Yeah," Spike said, "But none of them would be as good as killing a begging Slayer."
"No!" Faith yelled.
She ran to stop Spike from breaking Nikki's neck even though she knew she was invisible again. She couldn't stop herself.
"How do you like me now, baby," Spike was grinning as his face hung over her.
Still think I'm worth dying for?"
Faith was in Nikki's place under him. She brought her knee up to his balls as hard as she could.
"That's what I thought," he smiled before he curled up in pain and grunted.
"Now get outta my head," he said his voice strained in pain, "Let me rest in peace."
"Yeah 'cause this is you at peace," Faith felt her voice rumble out of her as she stood above him as he was curled up in that I just-got-hit-in-the-balls-ball.
"Living everything that ever hurt you over and over. I may not know how to get you out of it, but I know what that's like. Just when you think you can't relive any more painful shit that was done to you-- you start reliving the times that you hurt others. It's Hell, and I won't let you stay in it."
He turned away from her as she tried to look at him.
"Maybe B isn't around anymore to make you do good, and I'm more the kind of chick that inspires you to kill and hit things," Faith said, "It doesn't matter that I bring out the worst in you and you can hate me all you want. The thing is there was always good in you, Spike. No matter how much bad there was. And you never needed me or B or any chick to bring it out. So, I may be too stupid to know how to pep talk you out of this, but it doesn't matter. You know you belong in the real world now, fighting the good fight."
"You're right," he said looking up at her from the floor, "You are completely stupid. I don't hate you. I love you more than you could ever get. That's why I want you gone. You're right about one more thing. Buffy would never bullocks this up because she would know better than to come down here into the mind of a man like me. She wouldn't risk herself, not for me and not for Angel because deep down she knows the kind of men we are."
"You and Angel are Champions. You came back from the worst evil to do good, and you're the only one out of all of us that wasn't chosen--you chose it," Faith said.
"No!" Spike said jumping up and wrapping his hands around her neck, "Don't you see? What more do I bloody have to show you? This is the kind of man I am. This is what I do. This is what I'm good at."
He tightened his grip around her throat until she choked.
"Maybe if I kill you here you'll wake up. Sure, I should have seen it before," his voice was shaking along with his hands and his hands were loosening, "I'll do it. It's easy. I can do it. I'll kill you to make you live and—and I'll stay in my head so I can't hurt you anymore. You'll be free. All I have to do is…"
"Spike," was all Faith could say as his hands rested limply on her shoulders as he cried. She took her hands from his arms where she had been trying to push off his grip. Before she could put her arms around them he stepped back swallowing his sobs. He stuck his hands in his pockets and looked down revealing his bleached spikes. He was going to be so pissed they shaved his head when he woke up. He looked up at her with his hands still in his pockets. Thanks to the fact that they were in dream-land his eyeliner wasn't running, but he looked like he was a kid trying to be a punk.
"I did always have it over Angelus. I am the true artist. I destroy the things I love. Haven't you learned yet? Every woman I ever loved I ended up destroying. Accept for Dru because she was already destroyed. Maybe that was why I could be evil and love her the way that I did. It was a selfish love; I used to think that was all there was. Then, I tried to destroy myself for Buffy. Sure, I said it was for the world, but it was what she wanted, but it didn't take. Now, I never loved anyone the way I love you. I've never seen anyone try so hard to do what's right and still not want to be free of a man like me, and that's why I have to stay here in my head to protect you from me, even if it's not what we want. You know you don't belong here with me. Because we know I'll hurt you again. I hurt and I kill. It's my nature."
"You think I'm the fucking stupid one! If I belong anywhere it's here with you. I'm just like you. I fuck up. I hurt people; I kill people because I can't see what else I can do. But, no matter how much I fuck up I'll do anything to get it back to good again. You're sayin' you'll hurt me? I just nailed you in the balls for something you did before I was born. I know it's just magic-in-your-head land, but you probably won't be able to have kids after that. Maybe we'll hurt each other all the time, but I don't care as long as we come through in the end."
"Doesn't hurt much," he sniffed and adjusted his balls, frowned, and then gave her a little smile, "Besides vampires can't have rugrats anyway. Thank god for small favors. Imagine the father I'd make? Well, I wouldn't bullocks it as bad as Angel. How's Connor anyway? I bet he's beside himself that you're doing such dangerous magic."
"Connor is cool," Faith said, "He knows I gotta do what I gotta do."
"Yeah, 'cause you really must risk yourself for pathetic weepy creatures like me," Spike scowled, "You made it very clear that you don't want me in the real world and now you've come inside me and seen all the worst I have to offer. So, you really must have me out there with you."
"Yeah, u-huh," Faith said, "So are you coming with me willingly or do I drag you out?"
"Hello," he laughed, "None of this is real. We're in my head. You can't make me come with you."
He strutted up to her with bleached blond teased hair, black lined eyes and that chin out smile that made his cheeks look sharp and nasty. But something about his face was soft no matter how much he tried to hide it. Even with the punk get-up he looked like the Spike she knew.
"I know Slayers can be very literal but for one that messes with the magics as much as you do you'd think you'd know more. But, I guess you'll always just be the physical type no matter how much experience you get."
He smiled in satisfaction. The sharp smile—chin-out waiting to be hit.
"You are such a dick," she said as she grabbed a handful of his nylon vest and safety pins.
"And you're so right," Faith said and kissed him full on the mouth, which opened in surprise and then started giving back as good as it got.
"A girl's gotta stick to what she knows how to do best," she said pushing him back by the nylon and safety pins against the subway door.
She noticed the subway was moving. Maybe it never stopped. She hadn't exactly been paying attention. She was pretty sure it hadn't been racing and rumbling like it was now.
"There's a way I can make you come with me with all my literal mad skillz," she said, unable to stop the big achy grin that came to her face, "Now let's take this metaphoric train through some tunnels. Give me some poetry, metaphor boy."
She kissed him with all she had and started climbing his body like a subway poll. He kissed back hungrily now. She got her hands under the nylon vest and heard the safety pins pop open as she ripped it off.
"Oops," she said after their lips broke apart with a smack, "I liked that. We'll have to go to Hot Topic and get you another one."
"That was an original. Bloody Hot Topic knows nothing about that," he said and then he went to work on her neck.
"Yeah, you're the real thing, baby. The original punk rock," Faith shut her eyes as Spike pushed her into the subway doors with his whole body, "You're the real deal and so is this."
He slid her up the subway doors as he attacked her neck with his lips. She loosened her legs around his waist enough to open his pants. She smiled when his huge English sausage sprung out like it was in tight pants jail. That never got old. She saw him smiling too and it was that wicked smile he had when they had been fighting but his eyes looked different. They were embers. She had to laugh for thinking of that word, knowing soon she wouldn't be thinking of anything but the rock 'em sock 'em.
"No, this isn't real," Spike frowned suddenly and lowered her back to the floor, "This may feel bloody good, but this isn't what you really want. I'm not the kind of man you want and you know it. You left me. You left me because I hurt--"
"I know we're in your head and all, but you think too much," Faith said as she rapped her arms around him. She licked up his neck.
"This retro-look may serve you well, but I don't want you to think about the past anymore. I want you to live in the now. I want you now. I came here to take you now, and I will have you now."
He let out a whimper and his eyes rolled back in his head and she simultaneously ground into him and lowered him to the floor. Yeah, there were all kinds of things she could miss her Slayer strength for when she woke up, but she had it now in Spike's head. That was all that mattered.
"No, Faith," Spike whispered with his eyes still closed and his hands on her tits, "I—I can't keep you here. Every minute you're under this spell is bringing you closer to death."
"Sounds like a relationship to me," Faith said as she pawed her way down his chest, "Now who's the tease?"
"You know how weak I am," he said in between deep breaths, "A man that does nothing but talk. You've seen it all now. You know how it works. You have to be the one to go…to free yourself."
"Again this proves you're the stupid one," she said holding his face, "I've seen it all yeah. Everything you went through, and you may've talked a lot but that was just so you could do it all. You make shit happen with all the words."
"I—"
"You talked your way into doing shit that was impossible," she said grabbing his lips and kissed him.
"Whether it was killing Slayers alone," she kissed him again.
"Getting a soul."
She kissed him
"Or talking down The First Evil and dying to save the world."
She kissed him. This kissing him after every sentence thing was really helping to shut him up so she could win. She'd have to remember this for later.
"I'd love to hear how you talked the real power into letting you rise up from the dead. That musta been poetic."
"It was all nothing but selfish rubbish!" he said fighting off her next kiss.
Damn that was two sentences. She should have known she couldn't distract him that long.
"You want to know what I was doing before those damned Watchers and that bitch tried to make me kill you? I found that man that hurt you when you were just a girl and I tortured him and I killed him. I said it was all for you, but it was really only for me because you left me. Now does that sound poet---"
"Shhhhh," Faith bent down to his ear and started nibbling it.
She would have just told him to shut-up, but he was getting all weepy again and the soothing sex thing really seemed to calm him. He wrapped his arms around her and groaned.
"We'll have plenty of time to talk about what a bad boy you've been out in the real world when we get there," she told him as she leaned back again, "But, for now we're not there we're here and I want to make you come with me."
She opened her pants and pulled them down.
"There's a hole," Spike said
"Uh, yeah," she said and caressed his face, "We may be in dream sex magic land, but we still need that. Maybe you are a little brain damaged. It's okay; I'll walk you through it."
"No," he rolled his eyes and sat up so she was in his lap, "There's a hole—a portal. It's prolly a way out of my head."
He turned her head to the left and she saw a little swirly grey and black hole that was in front of the subway seats. It had a clear ring around it that made it look like the puke yellow and orange subway seats were being sucked into it—erased. Faith saw it get bigger and bigger and make a sucking sound that sounded like something a doctor would use at the free clinic. That made Faith want to turn away from it and back to Spike's face that looked at it peacefully.
"I wouldn't bet on that. Maybe it's some new neurosis of yours we gotta deal with," Faith said.
"You really don't know much about the magics," he sighed and smiled, "That's an escape inter-dimensional transcendental portal if I ever saw one."
"Well, excuse me. Mr. Wizard," she said, "but I---"
"Is it working, did you do it? What's happening?" a voice demanded from the hole.
"Connor?" Faith said out loud. It sounded like him.
"I think she said my name," Faith could hear Connor gasp; "It's me, Faith. Now wake-up! You have to wake up."
"You heard the boy," Spike said, "Time to wake up."
"I totally agree" Faith said, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours. You gotta wake-up too."
"I don't think it works that way," Spike said.
"It doesn't work that way," a really angry English voice that came from the hole said, "If there's any chance of this working at all you can't distract us."
Wes.
"Your Watcher," Spike smiled, "He may put you in idiotic dangerous mind-spells that I like to beat him for but at least he does what it takes to get you out."
"No one puts me in these things but me, Spike" Faith said, "and Wes didn't even know about this. It was---"
"Are the two of you deaf?" an angry female voice said that sounded like Willow's, "You are going to ruin everything if you don't get out of here!"
"Is that Willow?" Faith said, "She sounds like such a bitch."
"When you mess with the magics demons come out," Spike said simply, "Now you have to get out of here."
Before Faith could respond she heard a voice that made her chest tighten—Kennedy.
"Honey, you don't know what you're saying," Kennedy said, "You want Connor out of here-- he's gone, but I can't leave. You need me to keep you balanced."
"Go, Faith," Spike said softly as he stood the two of them up together.
"Ha!" Willow's voice said to Kennedy, "You're the last thing I need right now. Get out of here."
"Only if we go together," Faith said to Spike.
"The spell is just for you," Spike said,
"You do need me," Kennedy said to Willow, "You just aren't thinking straight. I can see your eyes are turning black."
"I'll show you black eyes if you don't get out of here. It's you, Kennedy, you and Angel's girlie looking kid. You are messing up this spell with all your boo-hoo negative energy because you know your stupid skanky friend is dying. You think it'll be all my fault if she dies, won't you? You just thought I could bring her back 1, 2, 3! You always all blame me," Willow said.
"Willow, no," Kennedy said in an even tone that Faith gave her a lot of credit for, "None of this is your fault, but I know you can do this. You just have to focus."
"What's the matter with her? Is she turning evil?" Connor voice asked, "Could that hurt Faith? Make her stop. Wesley can do it by himself."
"We don't have time for that," Wes's voice said, "Just like we don't have time for you and your emotion setting off this delicate spell. You have to leave."
"I'm not leaving her," Connor said.
"You heard him," Spike said, "He won't leave you. Now go."
"No," Faith said, "I won't leave you like everyone else did. I can't."
"You don't know what it's like to try to bring her mind back into her skanky body. I can feel it all—all her pain. Those holes they ripped in her that she made pointy like weapons. They stab at your will to live. I can't--" Willow's voice yelled.
"You can," Kennedy's voice said, "You can Willow, and I'll be here for you through it all."
"Go now, Faith," Spike said to her, "Your cavalry's come."
"Yeah," Faith snorted, "Like I'm going back to that. Everyone's fighting 'cause of me. I don't want a cavalry. When I was a loner I could just do what I had to do without worrying. Now every time I get a scratch I have to worry about how everyone will take it. Not only that, I have to worry about how their girlfriends and their fathers and their grandfathers and their dead enemies kids will take them taking it."
"Sounds like relationships to me," Spike said.
"Can you blame a girl for wanting to live inside your head until stuff gets less complicated?" Faith asked.
"No," Spike said, "You'll always be in my head, in my heart, in my soul, in my blood. No matter what."
"Now you're catching on with the poetry," she smiled.
Faith kissed him and she could still here the sound of familiar voices from the swirling grey whole, but it was getting weaker.
"Yeah," Spike said, "Can we keep the poetry thing between us?"
"Wouldn't have it any other way," she smiled, "There's gonna be a lot of stuff just between us for awhile until we find a way to get us both out of your head. For now I figure we can have that metaphor of trains going through tunnels. The train is always in the tunnel when it's a subway, isn't it?"
She had jumped on him again and kissed him.
"Yeah," he said walking forward with her in his arms, "I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry," she said, "I think we just found the best metaphor a mind-walk can have."
"Not for that," he said smiling and then his face grew very still, "For this. I'm sorry."
Faith could hear Wes's voice very clearly now.
"The orb of Rah-Tah is glowing," he said, "That means Faith's consciousness is in the portal. You only have to keep it open a moment longer."
Before Faith could even think about what that meant she felt Spike throwing her and instead of bouncing off a subway wall she felt like she was resin smoke being sucked through a grey pipe. Everything was full of grey and her ears were rumbling. That bastard through her in the hole! Spike threw her in the hole when she'd been offering sex. Faith suddenly wished he had been a prison guard or a real punk, or a murderer, anything but a Champion that would throw her in a hole when she was about to rock his world. Leave it to her to end up with the most devious Champ. Now Faith felt a heaviness she couldn't even describe. Her ass, her hips, her back were hit with something hard and all encompassing. Wow, being in Spike's memory and hearing all that tight-ass English helped her vocabulary. Now her head slammed down on the all encompassing hard thing. That would be the floor, Faithy, her own voice said to her as she opened her eyes. She forgot her real body had been floating in that magic circle and now it was crashed--literally. Maybe she could learn new words, but she was no genius.
Was her body always this heavy? She shut her eyes and let her head fall to the floor. She could feel herself slipping into sleep. All she could think about was when she saw Spike again she was going to belt him as hard as she could. She could feel her fingers turn to fists even though they felt thick and heavy. How dare he make her...
"Wake up, Faith!" an English voice yelled.
Wes. So, he brought her out of Spike's brain, not Willow. When would these Brit boys let her make her own decisions? Something shook Faith and her bowling-ball head bounced.
Before Faith knew it her fist was connecting with the suck-ass thing that was shaking her. Only it wasn't a satisfying crunch her fist hurt and Faith could tell it hit face. Her eyes flew open.
"Wes!" Faith gasped.
Great, she just hit Wes as hard as she could. If only she had Slayer power it would be like the old-school days. Who was she kidding when had things really changed?
"Wes, do you have memory damage? I don't want your help. I said things were even between us after you screwed Spike over. You know neither of us has really changed and we only have room for one fuck-up here," Faith said and her voice was so croaky she wondered if anyone heard.
Great, she was back in a world where no one could hear her. Faith saw a white steady moving blur followed by a big black mass. What were they? More magic holes? Faith couldn't take anymore damn magic holes. Even with all the familiar pain of waking up out of a coma, she was most upset her own magic hole didn't get filled by Spike. Then the thing that Faith thought was a little white fuzzy magic hole started talking:
"The Mystical Department just told me what you all were doing. I can't believe you would do this…"
Fred. Faith recognized the white fuzzy little thing was Fred the waif wiz. She sounded stressed. Then Faith felt stressed—literally. Something was hitting her face. It was Wes's fist.
"Would somebody like to tell me what's going on here?" the big black mass that came in behind Fred said.
Oh no. It was Angel. He wasn't gonna be happy that Faith was messing around with magic to save Spike in his town—his company—without telling him.
"Wesley, what's wrong with you?" Fred demanded, "Tell me you just didn't hit Faith after putting into another dangerous Spell!"
Faith had hit Wes first. It was just a reflex. He didn't mean to do it. It actually helped her wake up, even though it hurt like hell.
"Faith chose to do this spell, just like she chose to do the others. I only found out about this one when it started to go wrong. I helped pull her out. As far as hitting her, she struck me and it was a reflex," Wes said in that stony Brit-misery tone, "Fred, I killed one man for trying to give you a fate worse than death. I'm not a---"
"Asshole!" Connor yelled and Faith saw him grab Wes, "I'll kill you!"
"No one is killing anyone as long as everyone tells me what's going on. Right now," Angel said stepping in between Wes and Connor.
"Yeah, I'll just hit him a little," Kennedy said and crouched down to Faith's side "God, Faith! Are you all right? Say something!"
Faith took Kennedy's hand up and it felt like she could feel the whole world spin. Before she could open her mouth Angel and Connor were getting into an argument about which one of them was more clueless. Then, Fred and Wes seemed to get into something like a college debate because Faith heard phrases like "power and responsibility" and "ethics" being used. Faith had never been to a college debate, but she was sure they didn't get this pissy with both people storming out. Faith noticed Wes looked really stressed. He was all scraggly in an exhausted-not-sexy way. Faith really hoped he didn't hear her call him a fuck up that hadn't changed.
"Oh god!" a chick said and Faith realized it was Willow, but not the strong bitchy Willow Faith had heard just a minute ago.
Willow put Wes's stress-look to total shame. Her hair looked dull-red, like she just washed a bad Goth-black dye job out of it, and she looked like she could have Goth make-up on too, only the paleness and dark rings were natural. Willow looked how Faith felt.
"I can't do this anymore! I just can't! There are all these lies and Buffy's not here. Spike was right. This place is evil. It's not a safe place to do good magic. It—it has to be this place or maybe it's you," Willow turned to Faith, "Your mind made me go dark."
"Willow!" Kennedy said, "Don't say that. Faith doesn't need to hear that after what she went through."
"Yeah," Connor said, "It was Faith that went through it, not you. Don't blame Faith if you can't handle your own magic. Dawn did some healing spells for Faith and she didn't have to turn into a bitch to do it."
"Don't talk to her like that!" Kennedy snapped, "You don't get magic at all. Willow went through something too and who do you think taught Dawn those spells? Without Willow none of this would be possible."
"No," Willow said, "He's right. I'm slipping. I'm losing my balance. Those things I said to you, Kennedy. I never did that before. How can you even look at me?"
Willow seemed to decide she was the one that didn't feel like looking at anyone now and she bolted out of the room.
"Willow, wait!" Kennedy called and turned to Faith, "I have to go after her. Just say something so I know you're okay."
"Yep," Faith chuckled, "I'm back in the world where drama has no intermission."
"I knew you'd be okay," Kennedy said and let her hand linger on her shoulder before she ran off to find Willow.
"I AM okay," Faith said to the matching wide concerned puppy dog eyes of Connor and Angel.
She was sure her jaw would bruise from Wes's hit, but it wasn't broken. No trauma.
"Are you sure? Dawn's working on some more healing spells. They aren't dangerous like—like real magic, but they should help," Connor said.
"Great," Angel said, "Now when were you going to tell me about this?"
"Sorry," Faith said, "but you already have so much on your plate, and what could you do anyway? Spike and you may have more history, but he and I don't try to kill each other, at least not for real, and we have the whole kindred thing going. And I did risk myself with a mind-walk for another Champ and that worked out okay."
"Fair enough," Angel smiled a little.
"So," Faith gave a good casual sigh, "We know I'm okay. Does anyone know anything about Spike?"
It had to be the longest hallway designed by man. Faith hated it here. The section of Wolfram and Hart she had been in was hospital- like, but this place seemed lab-like. Faith expected to see alien babies in glass jars. Instead she got to the end of the hallway and went to a room and saw Spike. In a bed. With tubes in him. Faith just stared at him. His shaved head. His closed eyes. His stillness. It was wrong. She stared until she could feel a pair of eyes staring at her. She found Connor's eyes and he looked away.
"I told you," Connor said to Angel, "I told you she wouldn't like this. She'd want him to be awake, to walk around, to have people try to talk to him. Maybe if they talk to him enough…"
"We're still tryin' that. Don't think we've given that up," a perky voice said.
It was Fred the wonder-waif again. She looked a lot more in focus than the last time Faith saw her. She was checking charts and reading things.
"But you haven't gotten through, have you? The spell I did made no difference," Faith said.
"No, but I'm sure I'll think a' something. It helps that he's a vampire. His body can take a lot. I mean…I didn't mean it like that…I mean---"
"All these tubes and things that go in him," Faith said, "You decide what goes in him and how much and if it's working?"
"I do," Fred said, "We aren't doing anything to hurt him. I can go through each thing and explain it all real easy. I'll make it so you can sign off on every idea."
"No," Faith shook her head, "You know what you're doing more than I ever could. It would just go in one ear and out the other."
"Well, please let me know if there's anything you want me to do," Fred said.
"There is," Faith said, "I want you to forgive Wes. I found out what all the beef was about and I know he killed a guy for you. I know that probably makes you feel like shit every time you see Wes because you think: 'Damn, I made this guy kill someone. What other fucked up shit will he do for me? I don't wanna deal with that.' Well, you probably don't curse but that's probably the gist. I could talk about how Wes was right to kill the guy because he was going to turn your body into a host for some goddess. What kind of goddess needs a host? That's like a parasite, right?"
When Fred didn't answer Faith kept going.
"Anyway, I could say Wes was right to kill the guy. But he was probably wrong, but he did it because he's crazy about you, not because he's a killer or you made him one. You're one of those nurturing chicks. I know you probably can't ever get wanting to kill someone, but bad asses like us need mother earth heroes like you. Even if we do really stupid shit—wrong shit—for people we care about or maybe because we do it. I dunno. I just know you should forgive Wes."
"I curse sometimes," Fred said "And I do get---Wesley did more than kill Knox. We have a whole history and--and-- He allowed Spike to be captured. He hit you in the face and he--"
"There are far greater heroes than Wes that let Spike be captured by the bad guys and hit me in the face. Still Wes is one of the best. If you're too freaked out to get your freak on with him because he's so into you, that's your business. Just don't use his mistakes in the game as an excuse to push his piece away from you."
Fred was silent. Smart girls got quiet when you wanted them to talk a lot. Faith didn't think Willow was talking to anyone still. Suddenly, she realized Fred was watching her, and then she realized Fred was watching her touch Spike. She liked to touch his arms without realizing it. Faith was thankful Angel ended the awkward silence.
"It was my idea that he sleep most of the time," he said, "Fred found a way to drowned out him reliving all his bad memories, but he has to sleep for that. If you want we could---"
"No, you're right. He needs to rest in peace," Faith said.
To be continued…
