Time to Heal – Part 29.
I was gonna make this the last chapter, but then I got inspiration, and I wrote some more! Sorry for any mistakes!
I hope this chapter is a lovely read. Reviews are loved and appreciated, thank you for all the other reviews!
Disclaimer – I own nothing.
Two years officially. Andrea couldn't believe it had been that long. Two years since Dr Rachel Scott had told the then, Captain Tom Chandler about the virus that would end up taking half of the population. In the space of two years, live had been lost, lives had been saved, hearts had been shattered and far too many tears had been shed, and for the most part, people, the crew of the Nathan James kept going, they dealt with the pain and fought for the country, but today would be different, today every single event from the past two years would be brought back to the surface.
Today the crew of the Nathan James would each be awarded a 'Medal of Honour'. It was an emotional time for them all, after two years for them to be awarded something that most didn't feel they deserved, that Andrea didn't feel she deserved. Still, she was stood in her bedroom, staring at herself in her full dress white uniform. She was half expecting them to all be in Dress Blues, but the President had said otherwise, reading out something about white symbolling hope. Andrea had attended the briefing, but her focus had been elsewhere.
She wanted to look at herself in the mirror some more, check her uniform, give herself a pep-talk, but she could already hear Amy and Katie's laughter from down the hall. Mike had insisted on picking her up, and meeting Tom at the White House, he'd also mentioned bringing the girls, Andrea knew it was his week, but still she didn't think it was the right place for children to be at an award ceremony, more so this one, but they were not her kids.
Looking at herself one last time, she turned to her bed and grabbed the things she needed before going to answer the door. Letting all three of them in she gave Amy and Katie a hug before they went to sit on the couch, Andrea gave them a smile before letting Mike in and closing the door behind him, to then be pulled into a hug.
"Hey."
"Hey. You scrub up well, Captain," Andrea said with a small laugh, reaching up to straighten the medals he was already wearing.
Mike didn't need to look at her to know how nervous she was. He knew it would bring up memories, for all of the crew, but he didn't care for the rest of his crew like he cared for Andrea. Of course, he wanted to support all of them, and he and Tom had worked hard to make sure they were prepared for today, but Mike had been worried about Andrea, she seemed to hide back in her shell, she worked long hours, the girls had been upset when she stopped staying the night.
Mike assumed that was the only positive over the last few weeks, that the girls had figured out that their father and Andrea were something more than friends. Neither of them seemed too shocked, but like most girls their age, they seemed set on questioning Andrea about moving in, wedding, and Mike was sure he overheard a conversation about siblings, all of which made him laugh.
"You look lovely, Andrea." He told her, still not moving any further into the apartment.
"I'm fine. Honestly, I just want to get this day done and over with so I can sleep." Mike nodded in understanding, he wanted to push her, but he knew when to stop, he knew when to leave her be, knowing she would get through today on her own.
"Are you gonna sleep at our house, Andrea?" Katie asked from her place on the couch. Both girls were wearing nice dresses, seemingly new dresses, but neither of them cared as they laid on the couch.
"I'm not sure yet, love. Anyway, we need to get going…" Andrea said, looking at the clock on the wall. They had a few more minutes, but she'd promised a few of the crew she'd see them beforehand.
The ceremony was nice. Or at least that was what Andrea was saying to those who asked. The ceremony, in her own words, was heartbreaking and infuriating, only parts of the ceremony making her feel as though she did some good. Still, she stood to attention when needed, and saluted when she received her medal before walking off stage, standing in between Mike and Tom. Which seemed off considering the orders of ranks, but she didn't have time to question it without looking rude or as if she was speaking while the President was.
"We thank you all for your sacrifice and courage. We must now look to the future and those who are still with us. Because of the Nathan James, many can go on to live a happy life." Andrea felt her eyes water and her hands shake slightly when the President spoke. She was sure the woman meant nothing by it but the words hurt.
How could she just look to the future? How could she just move on? So many lives had been lost and she didn't even think to mention them. How could she just focus on those who were still here? How could people live a happy life after all that had happened?
Andrea felt a hand on her back but didn't turn to see who it was. She didn't care, she was angry and upset, she felt so many emotions all at once. Today was a reminder of all she'd been through, all she had lost, what the world had gone to, how they were trying to rebuild, the pain, the heartache, the loss.
Looking up when she heard a round of applause, she turned to Tom who seemed to be watching her carefully.
"I, I…" She stuttered, before shaking her head. She couldn't leave, people would notice, people would see her.
"Do you need to sit down?" Tom asked, the applause masking the sound of their conversation.
"How can we just move on, Sir?" Andrea asked, not answering his question, somewhat forgetting about it all together. She didn't need to sit down or have a drink or get some sleep, she needed to understand how everyone could just move on. She lost her baby girl, she lost everything, she couldn't look to the future, Lily was her future.
"Come on, love, let's go sit down," Mike said, looking at Tom who just nodded, stepping closer to Burk as Mike and Andrea made their way inside.
It made him feel bad, but Mike had expected this, he had expected something from her, he had mentioned it to Tom, but as a friend and not the CNO. Mike didn't know if it would come in the form of anger or a panic attack, or Andrea simply shutting down, and right now, as he got her a glass of water, he still didn't know.
"Just take a few deep breaths, I'm right here, and you're okay." He tried to say something that would help, but he didn't know if he was sounded patronizing or not.
"What she said about looking to the future, how can she say it so easily, people died out there, we lost people, I lost people and for her to give me a medal as if I did a good thing," Andrea said, in what seemed to be disbelief.
"You did do a good thing, Andrea." Mike tried to reassure her as he crouched down in front of her, resting his hands on her knees while she took sips of her drink.
Andrea shook her head, tears forming in her eyes, she didn't do a good thing, she did her job, and still, people died. She was supposed to protect the crew, she and the crew were supposed to protect the homeland, but they couldn't. The President just kept telling them how much of a good job they did, but she couldn't think like that, people died, they should have tried harder, she should have tried harder, fought harder, worked harder to save lives.
"Hey, look at me, you did a good thing, we found and distributed a cure that saved thousands." Mike felt for her, he wanted to wrap her up in a blanket and let her sleep for hours, hoping he could make it all better by the time she woke up, but he knew he couldn't do that, all he could do right now was sit with her.
"No…"
"Yes, Andrea…" Mike wanted to go on, but she interrupted him by raising her voice, something that shocked him at first, of course, he'd heard her shout before, but back then she was shouting commands it was part of the job, now she was trying to prove a point.
"How can you say I did a good job when I couldn't even save my daughter? That was my only job, I was a mother I was supposed to protect her!" Andrea broke down, thankfully Mike caught he glass of water before it splattered all over her uniform, but even as he turned his attention back to her, all he could do was watch as she sobbed.
It had never crossed his mind.
That was why it hurt her so much to talk about all the 'good' she'd done. Andrea was a mother, a mother's job was to protect her children, and now Lily was gone.
"I was supposed to protect her, and I couldn't, and now she's gone, and I have to live this life with people thinking I did a good job, but if that was true she would still be here." Andrea's voice was quiet and strained, full of hurt and anger, but all Mike could do was move to the chair next to her and pull her into a hug, not caring about uniforms or regulation, or how many people could see him, right now Andrea needed him, and that to Mike was more important than following the rules.
Mike wasn't sure how much time had passed, or how long they had been sat in the small room, but when he looked up again he saw Tom stood in the doorway.
"I brought the girls, but if you need some time I can take them back with me." Mike sighed, it wasn't that he'd forgotten about the girls, he just didn't want Katie or Amy to see Andrea like that.
"I'm going to clean myself up," Andrea said, without looking up, but aware of the others in the room, when Mike nodded in understanding she stood up and made her way to the bathrooms down the corridor.
Andrea made her way down the hall, having been in the building so many times before, she knew just where she was going and where she needed to be without really looking. She took some deep breaths but didn't move her hands to wipe her tears away.
Pushing open the door to the bathroom, she locked herself in a cubicle, leaning against the locked door and taking some more deep breaths, finally reaching up to wipe her eyes. She stood for a moment, letting herself get lost in thought. She hadn't planned to break down, she didn't want to make a scene but the words she'd heard made her feel so useless, helpless, angry and like a failure.
She felt as though she failed as a mother.
"Pull yourself together, Andrea." She said aloud, then hoping she was alone in the bathroom. Once she was sure she was alone she unlocked the cubicle door, taking the few steps over to the sinks so she could splash some water over her face.
"You're okay. You're okay." She repeated the mantra until a small part of her was beginning to believe it.
Andrea knew it would pass, which was something she was grateful for, had this had happened a year ago she didn't think she would have been able to calm herself down. Now, she knew she was able to, she could think straight, if only just for a few moments until she could get somewhere safe, be with someone who knew how to help her. She was comforted knowing that Mike was just down the hall and that half the crew would still be outside on the lawn making conversation with each other.
A part of her wanted to laugh at herself. She had really lost it.
What she said to Mike was something she'd been holding back for a long time, and even though it was said through tears she was pleased she got it out, she was happy that she was able to say it, admit it. She felt like a failure. So many people said she'd done a good job, she had helped the crew, but really, she felt like her only job since the day Lily was born was to be a mother, and when she saw her daughter's name written, scribbled, on the list of those who'd died from the virus, she felt like she had failed at the most important job she would ever have.
She reminded herself that neither Bill or Lily would want her to live like this, they would want her to be happy. She, herself wanted to be happy, but it was easier said than done.
She wanted a life, a life filled with love, pride, duty, and everything else she valued, she wanted happiness on a daily basis, she didn't care if it came in the form of morning kisses, teenage girl talk, engineers joking, or memories of her baby girls first words, she just wanted happiness.
Standing up straight she wiped her eyes a final time, taking a few more shaky breaths, bringing her heart rate back to a normal rhythm, she smoothed down her uniform, knowing that when she walked out of the bathroom she needed to be as professional as she could.
She wanted to be happy, she wanted to move on with the memories of her husband and daughter.
"They wouldn't want you to live like this, Andrea."
Back in the room where Mike had originally taken Andrea, he was greeted by his daughters and Tom. All of them sharing the same look of worry.
"Is she okay, dad?" Amy asked, stepping forward, looking between her father and the doorway Andrea had gone through.
"Yeah, sweetheart, she's just having a bad day," Mike told her, standing up, moving to pull his eldest daughter into a hug, before extending his free arm, so Katie could join in too.
"I don't want you to think you have to, but if you would like to, you can go and spend some time at Uncle Tom's, hang out with Ashley and Sam?" Mike knew it would be easier for them to go, not to be out of the way as such, but he knew he needed to get Andrea home, and while she was so upset he didn't think the girls needed to see it, or if Andrea would want the girls to see her like that.
"We can go with Uncle Tom. Ash wanted to show us her new makeup anyway." Katie said with a smile.
Mike looked over at Tom who didn't seem too impressed at the mention of makeup, but at least the girls were happy.
"Are you sure you don't mind?" Tom shook his head, taking a few steps into the room.
"Girls, why don't you go find Sasha, Ashley, and Sam, and I'll be out in a minute, we'll finish up here and head home," Tom said to the girls, waiting for them to hug and kiss Mike before they said quick goodbyes.
"Be good, okay." The girls didn't say anything back, instead just heading for the door to go and find Ashley.
There was a moment of silence between Tom and Mike as they waited until they were sure it was okay to talk openly. Mike didn't want to have any kind of conversation about Andrea in the public arena, certainly not about what happened today, and a part of him knew Tom would want to respect her privacy.
"She doesn't understand why POTUS keeps talking about how much of a good job she did when her only job was to be a mother and protect Lily. She feels like she failed, and now with it being the president's favourite line, I think it's getting too much for her." Tom sighed rubbing a hand over his face as he listened to his friend.
"I don't know what to say, Mike. We both know as parents you want to protect your kids; did she say anything else?" Mike shook his head. Tom was right, all you wanted to do as a parent was protect your children and Andrea couldn't do that.
"I'm going to take her home, make sure she gets some sleep. I think today was going to be hard for the whole crew, and I thought she would handle it, she'd been doing really well, since her transfer, and meeting the girls, it felt like a big step forward, I just don't know what to say to her half the time." Mike admitted, sitting down in the chair he'd vacated minutes ago.
Tom sat down in the chair next to him, almost at a loss of what to say. Today was hard, he knew it, Mike knew it and so did the rest of the crew, but Tom knew this wasn't just about today.
"Sometimes it's one step forward two steps back. Who knows, tomorrow you might be on the same path as you were yesterday. Get her home, tell her that it's going to be okay, I'll look after the girls, and before you begin to feel bad about that, don't. They're teenagers, they'll get over it, and besides, I think Sasha is getting a little tired of the impromptu make overs that Ash seems to spring on her." Tom said.
"I thought Cooper was intelligence?" Mike asked with a smirk.
"I think it would take a lot more than the whole US Navy Intelligence Department to work out the emotions of teenage girls," Tom said as he stood up.
When Andrea walked into the room she gave a smile, it was weak, but it was there. She just hoped Mike and Tom could see she was okay. Although smiling, she didn't think she could deal with the questions, she assumed it was clear to both men that she wasn't doing her best.
"Tom is going to take the girls for a while," Mike said as he stood up. Putting out his hand to take hers.
"Well, maybe Ashley and Sasha will seem a little more excited about makeup than I do." Andrea shrugged.
"Ashley, yes, but I think Sasha is beginning to get a little annoyed with the constant talk of mascara and lipstick," Tom said, watching Andrea for a few moments before speaking up again.
"Look, Andrea, whatever you need, we're all here for you. I don't care if it's extra work, a heart to heart, or just someone to scream at, whatever you need, we're all here." Andrea smiled and nodded, not feeling strong enough to say anything back.
"Let's get you home," Mike said, watching as Andrea nodded. Tom nodded too, leaving the pair of them alone, going in search of his own family.
"What time will the girls be coming home?" Andrea asked as they navigated their way through the grounds of the White House, heading for the cars. They'd said a quick, but quiet goodbye to members of the crew, and Andrea overheard plans of another gathering of sorts, and although she was drained, it seemed like something to look forward too.
Mike shrugged, he would text Tom later, but Andrea seemed to have other ideas.
"You should text Tom and give them a curfew, I'm sure they'd feel happy that you're letting them walk home alone," Andrea said, before getting into the jeep.
Mike got in but didn't turn the engine on.
"I'm sure they'd love the independence. Now, your place or mine?" Mike asked but instead, silence settled, but it was only for a moment.
"I don't want to go home and cry, I've done it and nine times out of ten it didn't work, so instead, I want to go home, with you and spend some time together before your girls get back. I know domestic home life isn't your thing, but I think we should try it." Andrea stopped, reaching out to take his hand. She knew she looked a mess, she had looked at herself in the mirror on the bathroom wall and told herself that no matter how much cold water she splashed on her face, she would still have red eyes and stained cheeks.
"If this works out I would hate to be living in an apartment with two teenage girls, hosting dinner parties for half the Navy, maybe this would be good practice for the future that everyone seems so set on talking about." Andrea smiled, knowing it would take Mike a while to believe she was okay, and she knew right now she wasn't, but she wanted to at least try.
Mike gave her a look, one of concern and slight confusion.
"I know about ten minutes ago I was close to an emotional breakdown, but if I've learnt anything today, it's that life is short, and we can lose people so easily. I will never be over losing Lily, but that doesn't mean I can't move on. I want to move on with you, and your daughters, and with a dog and a nice house with good jobs that we love doing. I want love and happiness, Mike. I know it is all so sudden…" Andrea was stopped by Mike leaning over to kiss her.
"You know I've been waiting so long to hear you say that." Andrea laughed a little, before shaking her head.
"I'm sorry it took me so long to say it." Mike only kissed her again, not having anything to say, because he was mainly in shock. He had been ready for a while, to move on with her, to be happy with her and his girls, to create a life they both loved. He would never forget Lucas, much like Andrea would never forget Lily and Bill, but she was right, just because they both lost loved ones didn't mean they couldn't move on and be happy.
"I just want to be happy, Mike. I am done with crying and feeling so hopeless. I just want happiness and love and to live with the memories."
Mike leaned over to kiss her again.
"You wanna go home, Captain?" Andrea asked, after a moment, her eyes still red and sore, but the smile was becoming real.
"Yeah, I think me and you could spend some time together before the girls get home," Mike said, waiting a moment so Andrea could buckle up her seatbelt.
"Mike…"
"Yeah?" He asked, glancing over at her as he turned the key in the ignition and began to move the car out of the parking lot.
"I love you."
"Yeah, I love you, too."
Thank you so much for reading, reviews are loved and appreciated. Bethany.
