Chapter 29
As the sun began to rise the following morning, I stirred to the sound of a bird chirping on the window ledge. Rubbing one eye I heard breathing behind me and the memories of the previous night flooded back to me. Feeling Babe's hard chest at my back and his arm draped securely across my waist, I was surprised that the first thing I felt was warm and safe and, surprisingly, no regret. Despite this, however, all I could think about was the consequences I was going to have to face over this. Lightly, I turned myself round to face him, careful not to wake him. Watching the illumination the rising sun was casting on his face, I lightly stroked his forehead. He mumbled in his sleep- he would soon wake up. I didn't feel like dealing with those consequences right now. I was happy in enough just to be in the moment. Kissing him on the forehead and gently detangling myself from him, I quickly dressed and left the room to shower.
………………
After showering, I walked down to the hotel restaurant to have breakfast, hopefully with some of the other men if they were there, too.
I walked in and spotted some of them, looking worse for wear, all seated around a long table. Babe hadn't come down yet. I waved over at them and walked over towards the breakfast buffet. Yawning, I placed some fruit on my plate.
"Morning," Carla said, joining the queue behind me.
"Oh, hi," I said, turning round to greet her.
"Are you feeling better?" She asked, concerned. "We couldn't find you last night. I was worried because when I saw you in the bathroom you didn't seem like you were feeling okay, when I was…telling you my news."
"Your news? What ne-" I said, and stopped, as it all flooded back to me. Carla was pregnant. I almost dropped my plate. "You're pregnant."
"Ssssh," She said, looking around. "Keep your voice down. Sorry to be harsh there, but I haven't told Bill yet…or anyone actually. I just want to wait until the timing is perfect, you know?"
"I understand," I said, looking away. "I won't say anything."
"Thanks," She said, smiling at me. "So, are you sure you're okay?"
"I'm fine," I said, quietly, pouring myself a glass of juice and almost wishing I had some vodka to mix with it. "I'm sorry I left, I just wasn't feeling well. Too much drink, I suppose."
"Oh, you poor thing," She said, sympathetically. "Guess I won't be drinking for a while."
"No you won't," I said, dryly. I picked up cutlery as I walked past the end of the buffet table. "Congratulations, again."
I walked over to the table with my plate and glass, sitting down at the nearest seat.
"Kill me now," Luz moaned from across the table.
"Sore head?" I asked.
"Like you wouldn't believe,"
"What were you drinking?" I asked.
"Whatever was going. Beer, rum, whiskey and wine," He said, head in his hands.
"Luz, luz," I scolded, jokingly. "What did I always tell you? Never mix the grain and the grape."
"You're one to talk," He said, throwing a piece of fruit at me. "You were drinking it last night like it was going outta style. What gives? Why aren't you like me this morning?"
"I don't know," I lied. "But I feel really great this morning."
"Morning," Babe said, sitting down next to me.
It took me by surprise, and I coughed, a piece of pineapple getting stuck in my throat. "Uh…good morning."
"Sleep well, buddy?" Luz asked him.
"Like a log," Babe said, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye. I looked away.
"Hey, where did you two go last night? We were lookin' for you but we couldn't find you," George asked.
"Oh, I drank too much, like you said, and Babe found me outside feeling pretty ill, so he took me home," I said, too quickly.
"Oh," George raised an eyebrow. "I see."
"I'm gonna go get some more juice," Babe said, going back to the buffet table.
"Okay, what's going on here?" George asked as soon as we were alone again.
"What do you mean?" I asked nonchalantly, eating a grape.
"Come on! I'm not stupid, you two can't even look at each other!" He cried. "Did something happen?"
"No!" I insisted.
"Yeah right," George rolled his eyes. "I know I'm no David Webster but I'm not completely stupid. You can't look at each other, but you both have the rosiest cheeks and neither of you can hide your little smiles."
"Sshhh," I hissed. "You don't know what you're talking about."
"Oh, don't I?" He said, smiling coyly, beginning to stand up. "I guess I'll just have to go ask Babe then.
"Waaaaait," I said, pulling him back down into his chair. "Alright, I'll tell you. Babe and I…we had a moment, okay?"
"A moment?" George repeated. "Enlighten me. What's a moment?"
"Ssssh," I said, watching Babe walk back to the table. "You know what I'm talking about. Now ssshh, he's coming."
"They ran out of apple," Babe said, sitting down.
"Shame," George said, giggling a little at everything as he stood up. "Well, I'm off to get my things together before I have to check-out. I'll leave you two…alone."
"Bye George," I said curtly, my eyes spitting fire at him as he left. I'd have to get him back for that.
"Did you sleep okay?" Babe asked, awkwardly.
"Uh, yeah," I said, shyly. "You?"
"Yeah"
Silence.
"So why did you leave this morning?" He asked me, sounding hurt.
"I'm sorry," I said, still not able to look him in the eye. "I didn't know how you'd feel, and I was feeling a little embarrassed at how forward I was last night and…"
"Do you regret it?" He asked, bluntly.
"No, I don't regret it, Babe," I said. "But it was very irresponsible and for that I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry," He said, emotionally. "I'm not."
"I…," I said, standing up. "I better go and pack my things, our train leaves in two hours."
I walked quickly to my room and sat down on the bed.
Knock knock.
Slowly I walked over to the door and looked through the peephole. It was George.
"What's up?" I asked.
"Can I come in?" He asked.
"Sure," I said, motioning him inside.
"I just wanted to talk to you some more about what happened downstairs. I know I kid around, but I can see this is really getting to you," He said. "Sorry for giving you a hard time."
"Hey, I've given as good as I've gotten in the past," I joked. "Don't worry about it."
"So…," He said, motioning for me to start talking.
I sighed as I sat down in a nearby armchair. "I had a really good time. A really good time. But, who knows what it means."
"Well he likes you," George said.
"Maybe. Maybe I like him too. But I don't know what that means, and I don't know if I'm in the right frame of mind right now to offer him anything more. Know what I mean?"
"I know," He said. "It's okay though, you don't have to figure all of this out at once."
"No?" I asked.
"No, the guy's waited over a year for you," George laughed.
"I don't want to hurt him, George," I said. "And I really think I have the potential to."
"Hey," He said, patting my hand. "Don't worry so much. We fought a war so that you could be worry-free!"
I mumbled in reply.
"Hey," He said, looking at his watch. "I need to take off if I'm going to be back in Rhode Island by dinnertime."
"Okay," I said, walking him to the door. "Thanks for stopping by George. It was so good to see you again. I'm gonna miss you."
"I'll miss you, too. Come here, give me a hug." He said, pulling me into a bear hug and whispering into my ear. "I know things haven't worked out the way you wanted them to, but look around at what you do have. The guy's a 10, Fiona."
……………..
The train ride home was fairly uncomfortable. No one really spoke, but then most of us were hung over so, like Spina, I slept during the whole thing more or less. Or I pretended to, at least.
When we got back to Philly, I headed straight for my parents' place. I needed to talk to my mom.
"Mom, did you ever have anything that you regretted?" I asked, sipping a cup of coffee.
"What do you mean, Sweetie?" She asked.
"Have you ever done anything that felt right at the time but that might really have been a mistake?"
"Is everything okay?" She asked, concerned.
"Oh, yeah," I put on a smile. "I was just asking hypothetically."
"Okay, well to answer your question…no, I don't regret anything I've ever done. I'm a big believer in everything happening for a reason." She said, smiling.
"Really?" I asked.
"Yes. I've always believed that everything that happens to you, happens for a reason."
…………….
As I trudged home that evening, when I got to my apartment door I felt like I didn't even want to open it. Instead, I turned on my heel and headed for Babe's apartment without even thinking about what I was going to say when I got there.
I stood outside for a few seconds, building the courage to knock on the door.
"Stupid," I whispered to myself, turning around to walk away.
"Is someone there?" Babe asked, opening the door and looking out. "Fiona?"
"Hi," I said, turning round, feeling stupid. "Surprise."
"Are you okay?" He asked. I nodded. "Do you want to come in?"
I nodded, and followed him inside to the kitchen, where he gave me a glass of water.
"I'm sorry," I said. "For not being honest with you this morning. The truth is that I was scared. I didn't want to deal with the consequences of what happened."
"Consequences?" He asked.
"I had a wonderful night with you, Babe," I said. "But I don't think I have anything to offer you, or anyone, right now."
He looked down. "That's okay."
"No, it's not. I don't want you to think you mean nothing to me, because you know how I feel about you. It's just that I don't think I'm in the right place to give you what you want."
He just looked down.
"I was also scared because I thought I'd feel guiltier about sleeping with you than I did," I admitted.
"You didn't feel guilty?" He asked.
"No, Babe. I didn't. What I felt was safe, protected, loved…and alive."
"Alive?"
"Yeah, you made me forget everything. When I was with you, it was like everything just melted-" I said, but stopped as he reached forward, pulling me into a deep kiss.
"Woah," I said. "What are you doing?"
"Making you feel alive," He breathed into my neck.
"But I told you that I can't…," I began to say, despite willingly letting him fumble at my blouse buttons.
"Shut up," He said, sighing. Picking my up and kissing me again. "I want you so much.
"Even if it means …," I asked, slipping my hands under his shirt.
"Even if it's meaningless," He said.
"Babe?" I breathed, wrapping my legs around his waist.
"Yeah?"
"Where's the bedroom?"
………………………
