Hello! Sorry for the wait. I started school again and I am really busy, blah blah blah. I don't think that I am going to update on the weekends anymore. I may just update whenever I can.
So, here is just a little kind of crappy chapter just to show that all the characters are okay again, kind of. I really was just done with this chapter and wanted to move on, so sorry if the ending is terrible. And sorry if the grammar is messed up or if there are spelling errors. I didn't thoroughly read through it. I am just feeling particularly lazy today.
Also, who forgot that the first half of this story actually exists, BECAUSE I SURE DID. I was going back over some of the early chapters and I was like, Wait, this actually happened? There was something before the shit fest that I created out of this story? Like, I pretty much forgot that Divergent is actually a book series and that these characters are not mine. And it's really blowing my mind that my writing used to be that bad.
CHAPTER 29
The winter chill of the hallway tiles seep through my slippers.
The cold barely reaches my center, my chest all warm and fuzzy like your fingers feel when you drink too much alcohol. The nurse came to my room to bring me to therapy, dragging me from my semi-dead state and up into life again. Well, the broken remnants of life that exist between the thick walls of this "correction center".
I can hear the fuss of far off voices down the hall. We are near the common room, where Tobias probably is right now, if Carmindy is watching over him. Unless he has changed again, and he isn't a bumbling comatoes mess anymore. I wish I could see him for once. Two and a half days without human contact really messes with your head. It's not much different than usual, though. My head is pretty much as messed up as it gets.
I don't notice the person on the other side of the hall at first. I am too preoccupied picking the bits of dried blood from under my finger nails. But when I happen to glance over, I am met with those beautiful blue eyes that were once so full of life, full of love, for me. They stare at me as he approaches, alone, so alone without me by his side. Part of me screams to run to him, another part whispering in my ears that silly love doesn't matter in the end. The world is moving in slow motion as our paths converge, my hand reaching out on instinct, fingers outstretched to meet his that long for mine. I cling onto his hand as if he were hanging from a cliff, me being the only thing keeping him from falling. Letting go feels like letting him fall, watching him disappear into the dark pit that we are constantly on the brink of. My hand falls back to my side as my head twists to keep eye contact with him, fighting against the nurse that drags me around the corner, farther and farther away from him.
I didn't even get to talk to him.
I jog down the hallways, trying to get to the cafeteria as fast as possible. Dr. Marshall officially ungrounded me this morning, and after three days of being dragged everywhere by nurses and orderlies, I can finally do whatever I want. And all I want to do is see Tobias again. A little voice in the back of my mind would much rather get more meds, but I ignore it, along with the searing stitch in my side that only gets worse the longer I run.
By the time I reach the cafeteria, which isn't really that far from Dr. Marshall's office, I am wheezing. I have to stop to catch my breath before entering, heading straight to our table, skipping the food line.
He sits there, talking animatedly to Carmindy, who seems to be completely enthralled by his story. Even Kacey has looked up from her food tray to get in on whatever he is talking about. I feel...jealous, almost, that they have been getting along so well without me here. I didn't know Tobias would actually talk to anyone but me. I feel betrayed that he feels comfortable to share his-our-stories with other people.
I sit down next to him, not being able to ignore the full cup of medication sitting on his tray, untouched. He turns to me immediately, face lighting up like the sun, so much brighter than the dim one that faintly drizzles through the windows on the other side of the room.
"Tris, you're back!" He exclaims, smiling that foreign smile at me. I can't help but smile back, sudden overcome by a warmth in my chest, tingling down my arms and to my fingertips.
"Hey, Tris. We have missed you," Carmindy says, Kacey nodding along. I smile at them, almost completely forgetting that the reason I was gone was that I went off on a girl and almost killed her. That memory wipes the grin off of my face.
"Oh, Tobias, why don't you tell her what you were telling us. The story about the girl that got kidnapped and started a war."
The rest of lunch is almost pleasant, Tobias spouting stories like a broken tea pot, being himself in a way that is so unlike himself, Carmindy adding in points that he missed, Kacey asking timid questions that Tobias is happy to answer. It seems like it has only been a few minutes when the bell sounds and people are starting to leave.
I wait until Tobias stands, and offer to take his tray, not missing the relief in his eyes as he glances down at his still bandaged hand. I make sure that he everyone is ahead of me before is snatch up his forgotten pills and dump them down my bra, silently grumbling about how these uniforms don't have pockets.
We are back at group therapy again. We only go twice a week, so, lucky for me, I didn't miss any sessions.
I made an excuse to stop by room to hide the pills in my drawer so they wouldn't be dropping out of my shirt throughout the day. I am sure Tobias won't even notice that they are gone. I am helping him, anyways. Dr. Marshall said that he was acting all loopy because of the drugs, so if he doesn't take any, than he will never act like that again. I don't like the way the meds make him act, stripping him of his consciousness and leaving him some kind of mindless zombie. All I want is for him to be okay, and his meds do not make him okay.
But I know the dangers of taking meds that are not yours. I picked out the ones that were different than mine and flushed them. I can't wait until tonight when have gathered up all of my pills so I can down them all at once. I can already feel yesterday's wearing off, the incessant urge for my knife already waning back in, whining in the back of my mind like a baby with a dirty diaper. It might take more pills than I have to shut that up. My normal prescription is no where near enough, but can four times that do the trick? Maybe I can tell the Doc that the meds aren't working , and she'll raise my prescription. No, that may seem suspicious.
I slouch next to Tobias, who is furiously tapping his pencil to an unknown beat, staring blankly at the white board, where the word 'Introductions' is scribbled in fancy red script. People still stare at me, maybe because of my stitched lip, maybe because I am still the girl who was screaming bloody murder up and down the hallways just a few days ago.
The teacher clops in on her too-high heels, sleek hair scraped up into a bun, stiff skirt ironed into perfection, smile just as fake as always.
"Hello, everyone! Today we are going to continue where we left off with our introductions." She starts handing out papers, the 'Get to Know You' sheets from last time. "Remember, just tell us your name and read three things that you wrote on your sheet."
She reaches me, sliding me a blank sheet. "Now, since you had to leave early, Beatrice, you can work on this while to others are doing their introductions." I can hear snickers and not-so-subtle remarks about why I happened to leave early, but I choose to ignore them. Instead, I just grip my pencil and bury myself in my paper, answering stupid questions like 'What is your favorite color?' and 'What are your hobbies?' I make up answers, because I don't think 'contemplating death' is an acceptable hobby.
I barely listen to Justin who likes the color blue and Suzie who likes to talk about herself too much. I only really pay attention when Tobias stands up next to me, nose to his paper as he scans it for something interesting to say.
"Uh, my name is Tobias, uh, and my favorite thing to do is read, I really like computers, and I only have one arm," he jokes rather confidently, moving his shoulder up and down, earning a laugh from the room. I am pretty sure that everyone already knows who he is and about his time in Dauntless, but I don't think many really knew of his hobbies and such. It makes him seem so un-Dauntless, or like a nerd, as many Dauntless would state simply. It's a side very few see of him. His Tobias side, I guess, the part of him that was left when the last of the Four parts of him were carved away by depression and war.
I don't realize that I am up next until the teacher calls on me. I clumsily jump from my seat in surprise, snatching my paper from my desk and scrambling for interesting things to tell about myself. There isn't many. Growing up in Abnegation, you don't really get to be yourself or learn about the person you really are. Between the war and Abnegation, I have had time to do any soul-searching, so scrounging up anything about myself was nearly impossible with out breaking rule number one: don't talk about the old world.
"My name is Be-t-Tris. And, uh, my favorite color is grey, um, I like drawing, and reading," I mumble, dropping back down into my seat, my cheeks burning. I don't know what's so embarrassing. I have literally single-handedly stopped a war and fought my way out of the city that chained me for almost seventeen years. Saying a few silly things about myself in front of a small group of people shouldn't get me all red in the face.
"Okay, is that everyone?" Mrs. Dalent asks. When no one answers, she nods and gathers up a thicker stack of papers. A few groans flitter around as she hands out the large packets.
"These are to test your knowledge. Based on your grade, we will place you in different classes depending on your level of education," she says as she drops a huge packet in front of me with a loud thunk!
"What? More learning? I already graduated!" a girl rants from the other side of the room. A few more voices rise in agreement, all complaining in unison. I glance over to see that Tobias has already started on his test, ignoring the outbursts.
"Well, you may have graduated from your own schools, but that was before you came here. The world out here is much different. Back in there, you missed almost a century of learning. There are many things that have happened since your ancestors closed their doors on the rest of the world."
I stop paying attention too, quickly noticing that I not know any of these answers. Tobias seems to be speeding through them, circling answers with no second thought, already halfway done with the first page. I make a quick decision to copy off of his, knowing that if I make a bad grade on this, I will end up in a different class than him.
"...And, remember to just do your best to answer the questions that you know the answers to. You do not need to know everything on this test. That's why we are going to teach you."
I scribble down Tobias's answers as he moves along, making sure to mark one or two wrong so it isn't too obvious that I am not putting any actual effort into this. I don't really care. I just want to make sure that Tobias and I are in the same class.
That isn't cheating, is it?
They are going to place us in classes the day after tomorrow. I am a bit worried that someone will figure me out and make me take the test again. There is no way I could actually end up in the same class as Tobias. I didn't know the answer to any of those questions. I never really listened in school, especially in the end. It didn't really matter to me. None of it was important to anything we had to do in Abnegation. But it obviously was important to Tobias, for some reason. I never thought of him as that smart, clever and good with computers, but not book smart. I can just hear the Dauntless calling him a Nose, and I keep imagining him with those stupid useless glasses, not wanting to admit that he would look adorable in them. But, oh God, that would be cute.
I sit curled up next to Tobias on one of the couches in the common room, like always, eyes closed and ignoring the way my body is painfully craving so many things at once. My knife, meds, food. I push all of the thoughts away, telling myself to just wait. The meds will take it all away, the darkness, the nausea, the need. I just have wait until tonight. Wait until I can get back to my room and wait until curfew so I will have nine whole hours undisturbed.
With my throbbing head tucked into Tobias's shoulder, I barely hear the loud beep of the intercom, only sitting up when Tobias does, unsettling me.
"Since you all have responded well to group therapy, we believe that you have earned the privilege to have a visiting day. Tomorrow, after lunch, you will need to report back to your rooms, because we will be allowing one family member to visit you for an hour. Stay well, everyone."
No. Oh, please no.
DISCLAIMER: This story is purely fiction, but it deals with very real issues that occur in this world all the time. I really don't want you to read this story and think that any of the things these characters do, especially Tris, are okay. Self harm and substance abuse are in no way good ways to deal with any problem. If you have a problem that prohibits you from living your life normally, then don't hesitate to see a therapist about it. Therapists are nothing like the ones portrayed in this story. They are very nice and understanding. And you will in no way get locked up in a mental hospital, ever. The elements of this story are extremely exaggerated, and completely fictional. THIS STORY IS NOT A RELIABLE RESOURSE FOR ANYTHING. DO NOT LISTEN TO IT. IT IS JUST A STORY.
And of course, DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW!
